Therapy Bits

In the internet community, there is a lovely little thing called a “trigger warning”. The theory behind these is that you are letting the reader know that they are getting ready to embark on subject matter that may trigger them into remembering subject matter in their lives that they have had first-hand experience that may not have been so pleasant. I admit I do not use trigger warnings as much as I probably should or could. If it is something obviously terrifying such as some sort of violation, I will use one. However, it is difficult to know when to use them other than that type of subject. There are so many triggers it is impossible to use a trigger warning for everything.

In the real world, we don’t have the luxury of trigger warnings. So what do you do when you come across such things? As a child, I suffered at the hand of not only sexual abuse but also mental and physical. I got the triple whammy. For at least 40 years I have compartmentalized these traumas and hidden them neatly in a dark space of my psyche. When depressed, they would come out from time to time to remind me what a horrible person I was and how I deserved the treatment. In the last few years, I had gotten to the point where I forgave my abusers. Not because I am kind and have a big heart, even though I am and I do, but for my own sanity and peace. This doesn’t mean that I have forgotten the horrible things that have happened to me. It just means I’m trying to move on.

With the #timesup movement currently going on in our society, it is impossible to forget the things that have happened to me. It makes me question my forgiveness. It has dredged up all of those horrible experiences and is facing me to relive them all, as snippets of a movie. Piece by piece. Event by event. Somedays I am able to talk myself out of feeling horrible. Reminding myself how strong I am for getting through those situations. Even if I put a good spin on it, I have to relive them. Because I’ve been triggered.

How you deal with being triggered is completely up to you. There are plenty of options; from dealing with them yourself or getting outside help. But I imagine right now, a lot of us are reliving a lot of pain. After all, you can’t turn off the world. It’s everywhere; tv, newspapers, magazines, radio. It has reminded me that there are so many people that have been through so many things. Not only do we need to be gentle to ourselves, but we also have to be strong and deal with those demons, no matter how painful it may be.

Maybe it is not the right answer. Maybe it’s not the right way to deal with it. But I’m not sure exactly how you are supposed to deal with these types of things when they are literally in your face. So I have decided, what is right for me, is to deal with the demons head-on. It is the only thing that makes sense to me. I’m not going to forget what happened to me. The memories will never go away. But perhaps I can control something out of this mess. Perhaps I can control how these things that happened in my past effects me today.

To my brothers and sisters that have lived through this pain, you have my love. You have my support. You can make it.