dr. barry tells me…I’m so proud of you!

Dr. barry and me had a great apt yesterday. It was so lovely to see her. I was so looking forward to our apt after a 3 week break.

During our apt we were talking and she said to me…

Your out of the hospital two years this week. Were you aware of that?

Me? Two years, wow! It has flown!

Dr. barry: I’m so, so proud of you. Your doing great. Your managing so much at the moment, and your coping, you arent in crisis. Well done!

Just hearing her say those words, I’m so proud of you, really helped me so much. I am managing a lot. Easter is hard. Our birthday week is hard. I’ve been dealing with a lot of ptsd symptoms lately. But I am managing, I’m getting through each day. I’m finding that I am able to cope more nowadays.

A few years ago I’d never have been able to do that. I’d have drowned in all the turmoil of the emotional upheaval that is my life sometimes.. I’d have gone into a crisis. I’d have ended up in the psych ward.

Thats real progress that I’m not in there. And to hear dr. barry say that meant the world to me.

I want nothing more than to make her proud. She’s done so much for me. She’s been through so much with us. For six years she’s stood by our side, she has helped us through a whole lot of stuff and we are so so grateful for her support.

When we came out of her office and went to the desk to make the next apt, she asked the secretary to fit me in in two weeks time, the secretary said, I cant, your not here that week, is 3 weeks ok?

Dr. barry hesitated, knowing that I usually see her every two weeks, and knowing also that its hard for me to go longer than that, I panic, I usually cant cope, I get all worried and insecure. But I said, thats ok, 3 weeks is ok.

She said to me, are you sure? I said I was. As we walked together to the front entrance, she said to me, you know, I’m so, so proud of you, you know that? The fact that you even agreed to wait 3 weeks to see me, I know thats a huge deal for you.

I was touched that she realised how important it is to me and how I didnt agree to it lightly. I think we’ll be ok though, although eileen is on holidays too next week, so we have little support next week, but we are able to email eileen if we need to do that.

I’m happy we had such a great appointment, and it feels so nice to be told how proud she is of me. It makes me glow. My heart swells with pride.

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Kelly and therapy yesterday

Hi guys
My name is Kelli. I am 16 years old.
I dont come out to often. But I wanted to come out and write about the time I spent in therapy yesterday with eileen. I had a really good session. It was really useful to be able to talk things out with Eileen. She is a really good therapist, and she was so nice to me.
I am a dark, in Liz’s system. I have a lot of trouble with contacting abusers, I dont initiate it, but when they email us I have responded to them before. I know now that this wasnt a good idea. I should be staying away from them. I do know this now. And I am trying hard.
I want to do right by our system. Liz doesnt allow us to contact the abusers. When she found out I did it, I got in a lot of trouble.
So she said I had to go to therapy and talk. So thats what I did.
Me and Eileen talked about my feelings surrounding the abusers, I have a lot of feelings that are very confusing. In a way contacting them makes me feel valued. Even though deep down I know they are using me. I know they dont care, I talked to eileen about the response I got from one of them when I told him I wouldnt be meeting him over easter, he got mad at me and threatened to hurt the kids in my system.
Thats a huge worry for me, as they’ve been though enough trauma and hurt in the past from abuse and I dont want that to happen to them again.
Eileen asked me if I’d be disappointed if they didnt contact me. I had to think on that for a while. I guess honestly? Yes, but only because its part of who I am, I’ve always been abused, and I dont know any other way to be. I dont have another job, or role in our system, but I am going to try out some stuff, starting this weekend, I am going to come out when we’re away with our mom, and go shopping, and eat out etc. Just to see what thats like. Normally I am only out for reasons that are bad or when someone needs to respond to an email from an abuser.
It will be good to be out for something else, some other reason.
I am glad I talked in therapy. I was able to see a lot. Wendy offered to support me which was also nice. She’s been through this in the past, and Eileen asked her specifically if she’d be willing to support me through it.
I am so glad I have people inside who get it, and I have eileen, dr. barry and all of you our friends too. Thanks for being there for us.
love you all,
Kelli age 16

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therapy today was draining, and other random stuff

busy day today here with therapy this morning and then work this afternoon. I am so wrecked now. absolutely shattered and just feeling so drained. feel like i’ve been hit by a frait train. i am trying to unwind, watching tv and maybe going to read in a little while.
therapy was hard. darks got time to talk about contact from abusers and their feelings around that. they also talked about last week and eileen managed to get it out of one of them why we didnt come in. I will try to write about it at some point, or have Kelli the teen who actually talked to eileen write about it.
I just really feel like having an early night tonight. I am shattered.
I dont know if I can though. Not sure how our sleep will be. We didnt do well last night as we had a storm here, wind and lots of rain and it was lashing off the windows and keeping us up.
Going to try for an early night though, if I can I will have one. I am working again tomorrow afternoon. Also, got on to tech support for my broadband as it keeps dropping the connection, and they made an apt to come out to me on thursday morning, to look at it and see what the problem might be.
At least my morning is free tomorrow, I can relax for the morning before working in the afternoon, work was good today, despite the weather being bad, the atmosphere in the office was awesome.

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One word challenge, confusion

pain is etched on her face
she feels
nothing but confusion
over so many things in her life
frantically searching
for answers
to questions, an answer
is what she craves
however, the more she searches
the less she finds the answers
and confusion reigns
supreme
so its off to therapy for her
a session full of fears
tears
and more confusion
will it ever end for her?

Confusion

Woken by the wind…unable to get back to sleep…

So I got woken by gusty winds. Its wild out there guys! Really wild!
Now I cant go back to sleep! I keep thinking weird things! Frightening thoughts. Scary scary thoughts. I hate this!
Its 3:41 AM. I’m wide awake. So might as well make a cup of something, chose to make some coffee.
I’m kinda nervous about our therapy session this morning. I wonder how it will go. I get anxious just before session a lot. But because we didn’t show up last time, and I know Eileen wants to get to the bottom of it as to why, that’s making me a little more anxious than usual.
I trust Eileen though. I know if anyone can get the full story as to what is up she can. I just have to leave her to it. She is kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, she will help whoever is scared of therapy right now to talk about why.
Well better go drink my coffee before it gets cold. I hate cold coffee. 😛

an afternoon of Decluttering

Well I had a very busy afternoon, cleaning my house, getting rid of unwanted items, decluttering the place. I gave the house a good going over, making sure I threw out what I didnt want. Mom helped me to do it. I am so grateful to her for her help. Now I feel a million times lighter. It did me the power of good to actually throw some stuff out. I even threw out an old talking weighing scales, that had been sitting in my bathroom collecting up dust for years. I always said oh, it might work, I’ll just replace the batteries, etc etc. But I already have a talking bathroom scales which is in my bedroom, so why would I need two of them? It just doesnt make any sense. I also got rid of some of my old slimming world braille books, as we got new ones earlier in the year, and braille books take up a lot of room, so they had to go. I got rid of some braille magazines that were hanging around the house also. I just dont need them as I’ve already read them all. I even went through my bathroom cabinets to see what could be thrown away, and I found some expired stuff in there too. I also went through my food cupboards. I had to throw out some spices, and some other packets and jars that I’d never used but were out of date now. So overall a good tidy up was had, I was very productive, I am very proud of my efforts. It takes a lot for me to do this, as I dont like throwing things away, I tend to hang on to things even though part of me knows I might not even need them or I might never use them. I’m not a hoarder, but I just like to hang on to stuff more than is necessary. Anyway its all done now and Im feeling good. I’m also in a great mood as well. I think doing the tidy up has lifted my mood. Now I’m off to read some and then prepare for therapy in the morning. This time I wont forget or dissociate and not go to my session. There’s no chance of that happening!

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I’M A WARRIOR

THIS IS MY CURRENT FAVOURITE SONG! I HOPE SOME OF YOU CAN RELATE TO IT AS MUCH AS I DO. TONIGHT, IM SITTING HERE, IN TEARS, LISTENING TO IT OVER AND OVER, A DEEP SADNESS JUST CAME OVER ME ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SENT THIS TO EILEEN TOO, I THINK SHE’LL APPRECIATE IT AND WHY I CAN RELATE TO IT SO MUCH.

SOMETIMES ITS HARD BEING A SURVIVOR, SO HARD..
LIZ