No volunteering today

I decided to skip volunteering for today. I just dont feel up to helpping people today. I need a day at home. I need to just relax and rest and take things easy. I am feeling kind of off today. Mood is low sorta anyway. We’re having a lot of issues with after therapy effects. Some inside are scared about therapy. Not sure why. They just are feeling like its all too much.
I’m sure we’ll be ok though. I am watching the ellen show right now. I love ellen.


Eileen asks me what I think did is?

so an interesting session for me today with eileen. i hadnt been to therapy in ages. i mean we had, but i personally hadnt. and it ended up I didnt even have a whole lot of time, as Shirley was out and needed to talk. But I did have a few minutes at the start, and end of our session. And when I did, we were talking about did, Eileen asked me what I think did is? How would I explain it? That kinda threw me. Not many people ask me that. I said I thought did was many people sharing one body, then that led to her asking me if I know we’re all part of one whole person? I told her I did know we shared a body, but I didnt feel we were part of a whole person. There is no whole. There has never been. She said she understood how I felt. But that her idea was that we’re all parts, parts of a whole. And logically I know this, but well, I guess it doesnt come up to often, so I dont really think about it. I mean, I do know we share a body. I know there arent tons of different people, but I also know as parts, we are individuals, we are separate in that we all have our own feelings on things, ideas about things, etc. Eileen agreed with me on that. She said she realises that we all think about the world differently, express emotions and feelings in our own unique way. She said she is just gently telling me that we’re one being, one body, and parts of a whole. Man! That is a tough one to take. I am my own person, I want to be my own person, I hate that we share a body. Mostly I hate that. Mostly I want my own body. I just want to be me, but deep down I know I have to conform, I have to take the whole system into account when making decisions, i know this. I guess I am just ranting a little because I can, lol. It was just an interesting session to me. We havent actually talked much about did, about what it means and what it is and how we see it. Eileen said the reason she asked us was because the questionaire we did last week, the first question in it says, do you believe you have a diagnosis of did or a dissociative disorder, do you and all parts believe that to be true? We do believe it to be true. That isnt the issue here. But Eileen just wanted our opinion on what we as parts think did is and what it means to us to be did to have that disorder. It was just interesting to me. I have to now go away and reflect on it a little.
carol anne


Getting beautified

Well I feel all relaxed now. I just had an amazing bubble bath. It was so nice.

I put on my nice rose scented lotion after it. That scent always reminds me of my therapist Eileen. My friend Ray kindly sent it to me for Christmas, thanks Ray! It is lovely.

Mom is gone to the store with my dad, when she gets back she’s going to wash my hair for me. What a nice mom! I am being pampered! Its so nice.

Then I have to get her to wax my lip and stuff. That I am not looking forward to at all. It hurts. It has to be done though.

I could pay 25 euro a go to have a beautician do it or I can let my mom do it for me. I plan to have her do it for me.

So now I am going to drink my cup of tea, and relax before that. Feel so good now 😀

Morning update

Slept well last night. Managed a few straight hours of sleep.
Was glad to be able to sleep good. I needed it. Feeling ok today. Decided to stay at our parents until tomorrow.
We’ll get our sister to drop us home after therapy tomorrow.
Nothing much planned today. My plan is to have a nice bubble bath and catch up on reading blog posts. Ya’ll might see me comment a lot today on your blogs.
Going to go read my book now and try to finish it up.

Treatment review

So last night Eileen called me. We had to fill out the questionnaire for my treatment review that Remy is doing, it wasn’t that hard to fill out, Eileen made it super easy, she was great. She really came through for me. I don’t know why I worried so much. I was able to do it, me and Liz both did it together, Eileen said it would be good if Liz did it with me, so she did. And it was fine.
There were 32 questions on the questionnaire, all to do with symptoms of a dissociative disorder. You had to say how much you experienced the symptoms within the past week, from 0 to 100 percent. I think I did ok but a lot of our answers were like 50 percent up to 80 percent. We had only 2 100’s out of 32 questions.
Eileen told me she also had to fill one out for Remy, about her experiences of treating us, I am now wondering what she said on hers, I didn’t ask her. I didn’t want to just in case she wasn’t able to say what she put on hers.
But I am glad it is over and done with now. I feel relieved.

Home today

I am having a day at home today. mom was just here, she came over with some groceries for me. she stayed a little while, cleaned the yard, helped me put away groceries, etc.
now she’s gone with my sister to get her own groceries. i only got a few things, just some milk, and some other things I needed, like fruit, water, etc.
just had lunch, crackers with spreadable cheese, it was so good.
No plans today, just spending the day at home with Nitro. The guy who fitted my house alarm is meant to call to me, to see about putting new batteries in the alarm, not sure when he’ll call though, I told him to ring me first before he gets here.
Eileen and me are meant to check in today too, we’re doing our treatment review questionaires over the phone, I rang her earlier this morning, but she wasnt able to talk then so she said she’d call me back this afternoon when she gets home.
Other than that, I am having a cosy afternoon here at home, reading blogs, my email, and enjoying my coffee.


Lunch time post

A quick post. I’m sitting here, coffee in hand. Just had a bite to eat, quickly, in between appointments. Just had a very hard morning. College was tough today. We were discussing a lot about the brain, emotions, CBT, and anxiety. It was a lot to take in.

My brain is just a little bit fried, lol.

Tiredness is also playing a part. I am completely exhausted but running on auto pilot. I know what is going to happen. I am going to get overtired, and then later tonight when I want to sleep I wont be able to.

I need to run soon. I have an apt with dr. barry at 3. Need to talk to her about our emotional state. How overwhelmed we’ve been lately. About the darks and therapy and contacting abusers. About the loss of some of our clients recently, she doesn’t know about the recent losses of our friendly call clients, she only knows of one of them.

Its going to be a busy apt I think. I am really looking forward to getting her perspective on things.

Now I will sit here and slowly drink my coffee and breathe.

I can do this, I can, I can!