So that possible move? Not gonna happen! Never going to happen! Not feesable at all!
I did a little research. I talked to mom and dad. They told me that the complex I was thinking of, they only accept over 60’s. Well I have a looong way to go to get there! So its a no go!
I’m a little bummed. It sounded ideal! And oh so good if it could happen! I would be secure, safe, and happy!
I guess for now I’m staying where I am! And going to just keep working with Eileen on staying safe! The thing is we dont feel very safe where we are. Dont get me wrong, its a nice area I live in now. My neighbours are nice. Especially the lady who lives next door to me!
I just dont feel safe though! I am constantly anxious. I constantly am worrying about someone getting in, hurting me, breaking in, etc. Its just a constant thing. I wish it wasnt so!
I’m sad this move wont work out for me. But well better I know now. It means I get to try to work on making myself safer, and happier in my home I have right now!
we had a low key therapy session this past monday. We decided we need to wind down. We have one more session before our christmas break, that, too will be a low key session where we’ll just have a general chit chat and wind down.
Eileen keeps reassuring us that we’ll manage the break. She said its ok to put things away, its ok to just reflect on the hard work we’ve done, and enjoy our christmas, that therapy will be there in january, and for now, for now its ok to shelve things and put them away.
Have fun, relax, chill out, enjoy time with family, friends, enjoy the holidays.
I hope shes right. I hope we’ll manage the break. I can feel some inside tensing at the thought of it. We talked about it with her though so that did help some. Its just some inside only feel safe in eileens office and nowhere else. Thats the hard part.
We plan on giving her a christmas card next week to end our therapy work this year. Emily made it for her. She is looking forward to giving it to her. We also have a card that we bought from a friend, which is signed by a lot of us in the system and which we will also give to her.
Therapy this past year has been really hard but also really good. Its been intense a lot of times, but so worth it, we’re progressing, we’ve done a lot of hard and very intensive work, which wasnt always easy, but then, when is therapy ever easy?
I’m happy we have one more apt before the christmas break. I’m also happy our last one will be an apt where we can reflect, where some inside can talk and chat in general, not have to worry about disclosing, or about doing anything too intense.
well I had very little sleep. Went to bed around 1 AM. Couldnt settle. Eventually I did and I got around 4 hours of sleep total. Feel quite tired this morning. But I am up and awake and have had a couple mugs of coffee to get me up and going!
Just getting ready for therapy now. Booked my taxi. Finally got myself dressed too. Have an hour and a half before I have to leave! So plenty of time!
Am going to cancel my after care with nitro tomorrow. My week is just super busy! I can do it after the christmas rush is over! There is no hurry. I’m sure the guide dog school will be fine with me canceling it.
Other than therapy I have to go to my gp today. I have to get a medical done. You know a medical after the car crash, the solicitor is requesting that we all have medicals done so she can get reports on our injuries. So I have to go there at 3 today.
I plan on walking to the surgery, to get my exercise in! Thats if its not raining!
I hope you all have a fab Monday!
Therapy tomorrow morning! Yay! So glad we get to see eileen! So looking forward to it!
For once I dont feel any anxiety at all around going in!
I’m just happy we get to go! Im kinda excited to see what the session will be! We’ve been making such good progress lately! I hope we’ll have more of it tomorrow!
Its our second last session before the christmas break. I am going to ask Eileen if for next week, our last session before the break, if we can have a kinda low key session, where we dont really do any trauma work or deep work, where we can just generally wind down!
Im sure she’ll agree to that!
For tonight though I will just look forward to my therapy time! And I will look forward to eileens support tomorrow morning!
so I decided to text Eileen and ask her if I could talk to her. I wasnt sure if she had college tonight, she is a lecturer in the psychotherapy programme at the local university, she did have college, but I texted her, I asked if she had a few mins to check in and I told her I’d gotten bad news. She rang me back within 15 minutes. She was on her way home after lecturing. So we talked as she drove home. I told her about my client who killed himself. She was so understanding. She told me that it would be understandable that I’d be in shock. I was telling her about Emilys two insiders who were suicidal, and upon hearing this news today, they became very upset and shocked. I think it was like a wake up call for them. We talked about completing suicide. Eileen said there was nothing more we as a system could have done. This client of ours unfortunately had his mind made up already. I know this is the case. I just keep thinking I should have could have done more. Logically I couldnt though. Its just a hard truth to swallow. Hard to take that he’s dead now. He’s gone. I told eileen that I am sitting here thinking about how one minute someone can be here, the next they’re gone. She talked to me about resilience. About how some people dont have as much as others. She said to me that I need to remember how resilient we are. How we’re fighters. We have come through so much. She said she knows that the client doing this has stirred up a lot for us. In a lot of different ways. I agreed. She said she hopes my supervisor is giving us support. I said she was but that I couldnt actually talk much to her about my own feelings, because my supervisor doesnt know I have mental health difficulties, and she doesnt know I’ve tried to kill myself in the past. So that is why I reached out to Eileen. I know I can be honest with her. I know she gets me and gets it. I was telling Eileen I really dont want any more bad news today. Not only did I hear this news about my client, tonight I got the bad news that my cousin whose only 50 has stage four liver cancer. And then earlier I got the news that I need to discuss nitro retiring next tuesday with the trainer who comes out to do our aftercare. I really cant handle another thing today. Eileen told me to wrap up in a soft blanket. Make some tea, get a blanket, wrap up in it. And draw a line under today. And that is what I am going to do I think. I am exhausted but unable to sleep. I will do some self care things tonight though. To care for myself. I will do some writing, drink some tea, maybe read, and wrap up warm and cosy in a blanket. I am so grateful for Eileen. She never lets me down. She always comes through for us. I feel so so lucky to have her in our lives. She said that I shouldnt worry about texting her, she was fine with it. All I could say is thank you, thank you, I love you. And I do. I love her. She has made me feel contained tonight. Contained, and safe, and I know she’s with me in spirit, I know she is here, talking to her just reaffirmed that
it is me em
im not sleeping. im feeling sad. I have a lot on my mind tonight.
my online friends are great though. some of them have been so kind, saying they missed me. that was so nice of them to say so.
I missed them too. I didn’t come out much lately. well until this morning in therapy. me and Eileen had a nice chat then.
I love our chats. they always help me feel better.
I love eileens hugs too. she gives good ones.
im doing a lot of hard work in therapy lately.
its not easy. but its so worth it. it lets me not feel so sad when I work with the pulsers and do EMDR.
my insiders are also doing a lot of work, hard hard work in therapy lately.
im proud of them all. especially the little ones.
well im going to go make a cup of tea now. cuz tea makes everything better.
em age 12
im not felin safe tonight
i fel so sad
my hart hurts
we’re all sad in here
i wish i was at eileens ofise
it helps me wen she holds me
i fel protected then
safe and warm and loved
i wish she was here now