I had time with Eileen

Hi

I got to have time with Eileen this week, I like that. We talked about a lot of things and are used the punters. I never used them before. They helped me to be able to bring up memories, and they weren’t all bad memories either. Some of the more happy memories, like memories of being in preschool and the phone are used to have when I was there. We talked about the assessment and I told Eileen I am upset with Doctor Barry because she thinks I don’t take my mads because I want to stay sick but that’s not true I don’t take the medication because it makes me feel sick especially since I overdosed so many times on medication before and so when I take it it makes me feel sick like I’m gonna throw up. I do like Doctor Barry I’m just murdered her right now. I will have to talk to her and tell her that the reasons why I don’t take my medication sometimes are not the same reasons that she thinks. Right now though I don’t want to talk to her I just want to talk with Eileen. We talk about my feelings and how sometimes I feel very hopeless and very sad and like I want today. Eileen said that was very sad. She keep me some homework for the week. I’m supposed to do one activity and take time for myself and do something nice. So I think I’ll probably listen to music and look up some information about butterfly something like butterflies a lot. I know this phone is messing up and not getting all my words right I think it doesn’t understand my voice sometimes. Dictation can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes. Anyway I like having time in therapy and I hope I can have time again soon

Emily

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Something my therapist said…

so today eileen was telling me how when she was doing her masters she did some research into the medical model versus the recovery model.

she said one phrase that really stuck with her when looking at the recovery model was

“nothing about me, without me”

I must say I loved this. It says it so well. All therapy whether with a psychiatrist, therapist etc should be a 50 50 partnership between therapist and client.

Mine is. And I am so thankful for that fact.
carol anne

Monday musings

another week has begun. and mines off to a good start.

i slept well last night. it helped that i went to bed early.

I went to therapy this morning. that was good…emily had some time with eileen. she needed it. herself and a couple of young insiders had emailed over the weekend and eileen responded to those emails today.

we talked about the did reassessment. it was a very full session.

now i’m back for another week at the ILS course. we finished off the team work exercise we’ve been working on this afternoon. we all then had to write a review of how we thought it went. i was honest in mine. i said i did not enjoy working as part of a team because i was left to do a lot of the work.

I also went to the bus stop with Nitro. He found it without any problems. He has improved so much since we started working on that route. I didnt even give him food today, and he found it anyway without any treats.

His trainer is coming back next week, on Monday, to do the next part of the route with me. That part involves getting a bus so that will be interesting.

we are having a christmas party here at the centre on thursday. its a christmas meal. it should be fun. i’m looking forward to it.

i’ve started back on my healthy eating kick. i did really well today. i had cerial for breakfast, a toasted sandwich with ham in it for lunch and a bowl of soup, and lemon pepper chicken for dinns with broccoli, cauliflower and potatos. I passed on the really rich desserts and i just had fresh fruit and yogurt instead.

so i’m pretty happy with myself. i worked on goals last week and i decided a goal for me is going to be to lose 4 stone, which amounts to 56 pounds, by the time i finish this course, which will give me about 18 months to lose it.

realistically I think I can do that. It will involve getting exercise every day and one of my tutors has said she’ll come with me for a few weeks while I am just getting started. there is a park right on our doorstep and we will do a couple laps of the park to start, increasing it gradually. we also go to the gym on friday mornings and when I go i will do the bike and the treadmill.

and of course i intend to eat healthily also. i’m determined to do it, i want to do it for myself though, not for anyone else.

ok off to browse net flicks now and see if there is something good that i can watch. the problem is there is too much on there and i cant ever choose haha.

WE ARE A HOT MESS

I’M A HOT MESS TONIGHT. OH YES I AM. TRYING TO HELP LIZ RUN THINGS IN OUR SYSTEM, WELL ITS HER SYSTEM NOT MINE BUT I AM HELPING HER OUT SHE IS STRESSING OUT. REPORTER ALTERS ARE AROUND AND THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE CHAOS. ZOE AND ALANNA BOTH ARE WORKING IN THERAPY WITH EILEEN NOW AND THAT HAS STIRRED UP OTHERS AND THEY ARE WREAKING HAVOC. ITS A NIGHTMARE. WE’RE JUST A CRAZY HOT MESS. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST. THESE ALTERS NEED NEW JOBS. CONTACTING OUR ABUSERS FROM THE PAST BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS THEIR JOB, THATS JUST NUTS.
WENDY

therapy: putting our anxietys to rest

so therapy yesterday was intense. we were so anxious going in. mosty due to friday. it was awful. insiders were panicked and we were dissociated. but eileen was great, as always. she layed so many of our anxieties to rest. she said that she did not believe that the did experts would look to take any of our support away. that they are simply coming in with another pair of eyes, looking at where things are at for us now 7 years on after initial diagnosis. that she feels we are not anywhere near ready to slow therapy down or go less often. that we have a long long way to go and that we havent really even started on the processing of memories yet, but that she felt as a system we were becoming more cohesive, and opening up more to her as time went on. she told me that the doctor who initially diagnosed me, Paul Miller, he’s a psychiatrist specialising in EMDR in northern ireland, well he is her supervisor and supervises her trauma and EMDR work, so that is good, because he already knows us and so he has a good idea of how things are for us system wise, and I felt better knowing that he was supervising eileen. she thought I’d be mad that she hadnt told me this sooner. but of course I wasnt. she told me that the funders who fund my therapy had reassured her that they would not be pulling our sessions and that this assessment was just basically to see where things were at, a sort of review. i told her about a conversation we had with dr. barry last week. basically dr. barry told me she has a list of questions to ask Remy on friday, she wants to talk to him about our attachment issues, and about how best to go about helping us to move forward because right now she feels she and us are stuck in a loop. she feels we arent secure in the attachment with us and that if we dont see her for a week or if she goes on vacation we panic and we think she is never coming back. this is true, we do. but i do think we are somewhat secure in our attachment to her. she told us of her anxieties around spacing out our apts to bi weekly, that she is afraid to do that in case we will destabilise and she doesnt want to set us back. however i told eileen yesterday i feel ready to go bi weekly now, i feel this is a good thing. its the kids, the kids dont want to, they see it as dr barry leaving them, or abandoning them. its hard for them, confusing, they see both eileen and dr. barry in similar roles, and eileen said yesterday that she feels spacing out our dr. barry apts will be a good thing because the roles wont be so blurred. she said that she feels psychiatry and therapy are similar but very different at the same time. psychiatry is about managing symptoms and meds, where as therapy and the work we are doing with her is about healing the past. i agree. she said that the kids are seeing both her and dr. barry as mom figures, when there really can only be one mother figure because otherwise it gets muddy and merky. i also agree with this. she said sometimes we need different people in different ways, and different relationships can bring us different things and get different needs met for us. it was a very good session.i felt so much better after it. i feel less worried about friday now. i feel more at ease. i am going into it with a new outlook.
carol anne

Not finding the words

Therapy was so hard today. I have literally got no words. The session was all about Friday and the upcoming assessment. Can’t talk much about it now, can’t find the words to say when I want to say. Could use a bit of support and friendship if anyone is around, feeling a little on stable at the moment everything swirling around inside my head. Really just can’t find any words right now

the book came!

it came, it came! our book came in the mail!

we got the book today i feel silly and other moods that make my day, to take to eileens office for her to read it to us.

i am so excited! we cant do it tomorrow but next week carol anne said we might be able to if eileen is ok with it.

we have to ask her first. i will ask her! im not scared to ask!

has anyone ever heard of this book? its written by jamie lee curtis about feelings! you can look it up on amazon that is where we got our copy.

also if you look on youtube you’ll be able to hear people reading it. bet none of them are as good as eileen though. im gonna ask her if i can record her reading it to us!

love
allie