Storm ophelia

we are getting the tail end of storm ophelia tonight. it is supposed to start at 9 PM. Please pray we’ll be ok.
There is supposed to be a lot of heavy rain and high winds. Its a status red weather warning.
Eileen just texted me and asked me if I’d prefer to cancel our session for tomorrow. As much as I didnt want to cancel it, I said maybe we should. I am afraid of something happening while I am traveling.
She has a heart of gold, to text me on a sunday, think of me and of my safety…in fact the words she said to me were, I dont want you to take any unnecessary risks.
So I wont. I’ll have a chill out day at home tomorrow.
Please send good vibes our way guys.
carol anne

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This is Allie

yesterday i had time with eileen in therapy. i had almost the whole session. i felt so safe and so happy it felt good to be able to have time with her. we talked about some memories i’d been remembering. she held my hands while we talked so that i wouldnt get pulled into the past. i like it when she holds my hands. i play with her jewelery and i was nervous so i kept switching hands and holding one first then the two of them ha. it was nice to just sit with her holding her hands. she asked me how i felt being able to just talk to her. i said i felt loved and seen and validated. how does that feel in your body? she asked. it felt like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. soft and warm and safe. she said i am really good at describing how i feel and how my body feels. she said some adults wouldnt be able to do that. that made me feel good to hear that. i did not think i was that good at describing things. but she said i am. the memories were hard to talk about. i cried a lot. got really upset. was shaking and sad and stuff. but i am glad i talked to her about them. cuz it did help me to feel better once I did talk. i hadnt slept on monday night at all cuz the memories were bothering me. so at the end of our time together yesterday eileen hugged me and told me to go inside and try to sleep. i asked her if i can bring her with me to sit by my bed. she said thats a great idea and she would come with me. we also talked about how eileen sees us when she talks to the kids. she said when she talks to one of us she pictures how we’d look and so she sees a child when she looks at us that she doesnt see the adult body. she asked me when i got upset if i knew we’d grown up. sometimes i do but sometimes i dont. we talked about being grown up and life now and now not being the same as back then when we were in dublin. she has to keep reminding me of that. sometimes i get all mixed up between what is now and what was then. im glad i got to spend time with her though. i needed to do that to feel better again.
allie

Inside out

Yesterday we had an embarrassing moment in therapy. We were chatting to Eileen and all of a sudden she very gently and kindly said to us:

“Who got dressed today?”

“I’m not sure, I said, why?”

“Because your sweatshirt is inside out!”

OMG! Seriously? Are you serious?

Talk about embarrassment! Must have been one of the littles that got dressed!

So then I had to take it off, in front of her, exposing my bra, and all and turn it around and put it back on with the right side showing.

Thank god she is kind and cared enough to tell us!

She even smoothed it over for us when it was back on. She was being very motherly and helping us fix it so that we looked presentable.

I just cant believe we came out of the house, went into a taxi, with our sweatshirt on inside out!
The joys of being blind and having did!

I want my therapy mom!

this is allie. well if you wanna you can call me licia or lish or ali or just trouble. haha.
i am so sad. i need a hug from eileen.
i need her to wrap her arms aroumd me and then i will be able to feel safe. safe in her strong arms.
i love to listen to her heartbeat. it sounds so sootheing.
it makes me happy and i feel safe when i hear it.
i dont feel my age. i feel about 6, or maybe even 5. my 5 year old needs hugs from mommy.
she needs to feel loved and cared for.
she is hurting. sad. alone. in pain. feeling abandoned and rejected.
she needs her safe mommy, thats eileen.
its the middle of the night here though, so even if we emailed eileen she wont get it. she wont see it. she cant hear our pleas for help.
she is probably asleep and in bed and me emailing her would probably bother her.
so i didnt email.
i just feel so sad. not sure what to do Smile
feel so unsure…crying…lonely…missing eileen…
Smile someone give me some ideas because I am struggling here…
x
allie

My life updates email notification group

hi everyone
I have made an email notification group, where I will be posting some more detailed updates about therapy, and other things to do with my life.
I’d love it if you’d join it.
Feel free to subscribe by sending a blank email to the following address
my-life-updates+subscribe@groups.io

Looking forward to all of my readers joining me! 🙂


xxx

Change is hard

i’m a little stressed out right now. i guess all this change has caught up to me. so much change. and i am not good with change.

first of all i’ve started with the new cpn sarah. she has already spoken to dr. barry. last week i spoke to sarah about the hard week i’d been having. yesterday i find out she told dr. barry everything. i dont know how i feel about that. i did not realise our sessions werent confidential.

part of me feels relieved that she did speak to dr. barry. but part of me is like, i dont want her to tell her everything i say to her. i know dr. barry is my consultant. and she needs to know how I am doing. I guess I just thought some things would be confidential. After all that is how you build a relationship with someone.

I think though with the mental health team, they all write everything into your chart. So say when i see sarah or mark the OT or the social worker, they write a note in my chart for dr. barry telling her what we’ve been discussing and working on. At least that is what I think happens.

I’m a bit miffed it has to be this way. It feels like everything I say or do is scrutinized. I hate that.

Then there is the did assessment. Its happening soon. Its not an assessment for diagnosing did, thats already been done 7 years ago. But rather an assessment to see where we are going with treatment going forward.

I am nervous. What if they say I can only be treated for so many years. What then. I doubt they will but the worry is still there. These are the did experts, after all. What they say will have a major impact on how dr. barry works with me in the future.

She will take her guidance from them. She will do what they suggest. Eileen reassured me on Monday she isnt going anywhere. That she will be here for us for as long as we need. That it is and will be our choice when we finish therapy. But what if it isnt? What if the funders wont pay for therapy for more than a couple of years. What then?

Its hard to think about. It makes me incredibly stressed just thinking about it.

With my new college course, and the independent living skills course there is also a lot of changes going on with the structure of my days. I will not be able to spend as much time in the basement club as I have been doing. I am afraid of losing that community. Technically I wont, because technically once your a member then your a member for life. I know I can always go back. But when you have been out of the loop for a while it can be daunting to go back again.

I wont be able to go to the basement club once th eindependent living skills course starts. I wont have time. I’ll literally be doing the course from 9 AM until 5 PM every day. There wont be much time for anything because outside of that I’ll have to do my college work for the addiction studies course. I’ll be lucky to be able to keep up with blogs, email and facebook. I hope I will as these are all very important to me.

So yeah a lot of change going on. I just hope I’ll be able to cope with all of it.

Dream

I WOKE FROM A DREAM. A DREAM ABOUT EILEEN. IN THE DREAM WE WERE SITTING TOGETHER. I WAS HUGGING HER. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS SAFE. WE WERE FEELING SAFE AND HELD AND CONTAINED. WHY CANT THIS FEELING LAST? I AWOKE AND TEARS DRIPPED DOWN MY CHEEKS. I NEED HER. I NEED EILEEN. I NEED A HUG. I NEED HER TO HOLD ME. I NEED HER ARMS TO HOLD AND COMFORT ME. THIS FEELS SO HARD. IT IS SO DIFFICULT. THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE NEEDS A MOM. A MOM TO HELP HER HOLD HER COMFORT HER AND VALIDATE HER FEELINGS. I NEED CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS HER SAFE PERSON, A SAF BASE. SHE FEELS SO UNLOVED, SHE NEEDS CARE AND LOVE. FROM EILEEN.
LIZ