my appointment with dr. barry, and no goodbye

so i saw dr. barry this morning. i left to go see her at 8:30. it was pouring rain so i left nitro at home. i had a bit of a wait because dr. barry doesnt come in until 9:30 because she gets her kids off to school first. she saw me at around 10 AM. i told her how anxious i was about saying goodbye to karen. then she said it wont be happening today…karen got called away to a meeting. she said you can wait until 11 AM until karen comes back if you want, or we can leave it until next week. i decided i’d wait until next week. i dont want to rush the goodbye. dr. barry encouraged me to internalise the positive things about our relationship and remember the good things about karen. she said its very positive the fact that I was able to forge a relationship with karen despite my attachment issues and trauma issues. she said i could have put boundaries up and distanced myself and not engaged fully with karen but i didnt do that. she praised me and said that i did a great job. we talked about therapy and eileen being on break. i was telling her how i find the space hard to deal with. i find when eileen isnt there it feels like there is this huge distance between us. i need to hear her voice or have some tangible way of connecting with her. otherwise the space just feels like this huge gaping hole. i think she got it. she seemed to understand. she asked me what resources i was using and we talked about my blog and twitter and my email support group. she said those were all good resources. we also talked about reaching out to friends and using grounding techniques that I’e learned. i told her that in therapy i’d worked with eileen and created a room that is like eileens office and eileen is internalised in there and when we need to we go in there and bring eileen in there with us. she thought that was a great idea. we talked about sleep and i told her i am not sleeping again. over the past few days i’ve gotten about 8 hours sleep in total. she said that wasnt good. she asked if i’d like to go back on a sleeping tablet for a week. at first i said no. then she said it might be a good idea just to get my sleep pattern regulated again. she said she could write me an emergency prescription for halcion. so i took that and will go back on it for 7 days. we talked about meds then. i was telling her how a couple of years ago i was on 40 mg of valium and she said that benzos are so addictive and she doesnt mind prescribing them short term but long term she said its not good prescribing practice to use them for patients. i agree. she said we may try lamictal again if my mood doesnt lift. but i’m already on depokate and keppra and lyrica so another anticonvulsant med might not work or might cause unnecessary side effects. she said we’d wait and see. i’ll see her next week and then the following week she’s on vacation because her kids are going back to school and so she’s taking the week off to be with them. i told her that i’d need to prepare for that. its crazy how i get so worked up and need to prepare for every vacation she takes. it makes me feel like i am abnormal. but i literally do need to prepare myself before she goes. its like i need to build myself up to it. she reminded me that its only a week and she’d be back before i know it. so i have another week now to ruminate about karen leaving and to get all anxious and worked up about the goodbye. i’m trying not to but its so hard. i showed dr. barry the card i’d maded for karen and she said it was very touching and she thought karen would love it. i hope she will.

Wide-awake

Cant sleep can sleep. Cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to Karen this morning. My thoughts are racing. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. My anxiety is through the roof. Feeling so nauseous like I want to throw up. Emotions all over the place. Is anyone awake? Could really use some support.

its allie

its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.

i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.

why is night time so hard?

I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.

allie

still sad still hurting

its me allie and tonight i am sad. my heart is hurting. i cant get it to stop hurting. i am just sad. everything is feeling so hopeless. i want to change and be happy and be positive. i realy would like it if i could be happy. but i just cry and feel sad and get mad and feel angry and then am sad because i broke my stuff or was mean to someone. when i get angry i am mean and then i hate mysef because i was mean. and then it makes me wish i was dead. and one time i told eileen to just go ahead and kill me. i was crying in her office and having a melt down and i told her to kill me and i sat on the floor and just melted down. she didnt obviously but it was so scary to me just to feel like that. it was one of the scariest times i had besides the abuse i went thorugh. i hate having melt downs buti have a lot of them. can anyone relate? does anyone have melt downs? i hope someone can understand what it feels like because i hate being alone. i do stuff to get dr. barrys and eileens attention sometimes too. when we were hospitalised the last time and dr. barry went on holiday i stopped eating. i stopped eating because i thought if i didnt eat the nurses would call dr. barry and she’d have to come back. but they didnt do that. i did end up telling dr. barry what i’d done. she understood and she was really nice to me about it and she said i ended up hurting myself and she was encouraging me to not do things like that. am i bad? i dont want to be bad. i just hurt so much. i just want dr. barry and eileen. nobody else will do.

i wish i wasnt me

hi its allie. and i am sad. very very sad. and scared. i cant sleep. and i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was someone else. and i wish i had a forever mom. my mom bio mom hates me. she doesnt like or love any of us young insiders. she only likes the adult parts. it makes my heart so sad. i hurt. i want eileen or dr. barry to be my forever mom. they are caring. they are loving. i know they love me because they tell me. they show me by their actions. they pat my arm. or my shoulder. or talk softly to us. or say kind things like calling us pet or hun or telling us to have a good week, take care, stuff like that. our mom doesnt do any of that. ok she does practical things like housework and stuff but i dont want a mom like that i want a mom who will talk to me about hard stuff, play with me, be there for me when i feel sad and cry and am lonely. right now i dont want to be me. i realy realy dont. i’d like to run away. run far far away. but i cant. i am stuck. i cant move. i am trapped. i feel like i cant move like this is one big nightmare.
allie 9

I MAY REGRET THIS BUT I MAY NOT? :-) WE CAN HOPE

I MAY REGRET THIS OR I MAY NOT
BUT IS ANYONE OUT THERE?
ANYONE WITH DISSOCIATIVE PARTS, OR WHO HAS DID
OR WHO FEELS ALONE AND LIKE THEY HAVE NOBODY
I AM HERE AND I WANT TO TALK
I REALLY REALLY WOULD LOVE A CHAT
I AM FEELING SO ISOLATED AND DESPERATELY ALONE
I AM PART OF A DID SYSTEM AN ALTER IN A DID SYSTEM
A TEEN FINDING HER WAY IN THE WORLD
I’D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW OTHERS WHO CAN RELATE
OR ANY OF MY FOLLOWERS WHO MIGHT LIKE TO CHAT TO ME
I SOMETIMES AM A LITTLE VOLATILE AND ANGRY
BUT I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I ONLY KICK OFF IF I FEEL THREATENED OR HURT
I PROMISE NOT TO KICK OFF NOW I PROMISE TO BE CIVIL AND FRIENDLY
PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME?
LIZ

Rock botto

swirling and spinning

quickly downward

nothing to grip onto

the hole seems endless

yet i have a sense of rock bottom

and i think i’m about to hit it

i brace myself for the collision

but i am tugged away by voices

my mind can’t prepare

and combat hallucinations

enter the flashbacks

on top of the voices

memories stabbing my heart

suddenly i hit the ground

the fall is hard

my arms out to brace myself

now bleed in a self injurious way

this is the bottom

its a familiar place

i’ve been here many times before

and i know that unless i get help

the right sort of help

i’ll be here again

Carol anne