it me taylor. and gess wat? i taked us to therapy this week. i was out wen we goted ther. im not usuly loud to be ote, but it wasnt my fault cuz tha bigs were all not able to front, thay was feelin icky and depresed and sad. so i came ote in the midle of the nite, and me and emily stayed up and got us dressed and emily came ote in the taxi cuz she can sorta act lik a gron up but then wen we goted to eileens ofise i came ote and wen eileen came in she got a suprise! she said i did good to get us ther in one piece! but she said i needed to let her try to talk to the adults and go inside and rest. so i did. and she was able to get liz and that was ok then cuz liz can take care of us. i was glad cuz it fils betr wen liz is out or carol anne. they can take care of fings then. but i did a good job and i was hapy she thot so too!
so the last couple of days have been sort of ok i guess.
i am still depressed but trying to manage it as best as i can.
eileen says now that our dissociative walls are coming down a little more, that things effect us more, for example pixie’s low mood lately is now effecting both me and liz.
i think she’s right. i hadnt thought of that though.
i’ve had the week off from the ILS course. but i sorta wish i didnt. i’d have prefered to be busy. it keeps my mind from wandering into awful places.
yesterday was therapy day. therapy was very intense. but good. we mostly talked about our mood, and we decided for now we are going to back up a little and not work on memories so much because they were starting to overwhelm us.
we stayed in our mom and dads house last night. we went there yesterday after therapy and spent the day there and had dinner with them and then decided last night to spend the night.
other than that its been a pretty quiet few days.
saw dr. barry this morning. it went well.
we talked about the depression and low mood.
she said she thinks something is triggering it, perhaps something that happened during the did reassessment.
i said i wasnt sure but maybe that could be it.
i told her that i am managing it for now. i didnt want to go in to the hospital. i want to try to get through it on my own, in the community.
she agreed with me. she said to keep doing the things i am doing that help me cope with it.
i said blogging had really helped me lately. that everyone on my blog had been so supportive. and so helpful with their lovely comments.
we also talked some about therapy and about insiders who havent worked with eileen before now starting to trust her and work with her. she congradulated us on that.
it was a very good appointment. i was happy to get her perspective on things.
I miss Eileen tonight.
we shoulda been having our session today. but we didn’t cuz it was a bank holiday.
we’ll see her on Thursday. but it seems so far away.
I did email her though. I told her how much I loved her. and am missing her.
I took out her rose scent and sniffed it over and over. I don’t care if people think I’m weird. Eileen gave me the empty bottle and I always smell it and the scent still hasn’t gone out of it.
I also listened to her reading in my heart to me. I have that recorded. she said we can read another book soon. I cant wait. I will record her reading to us again. we left the book today I feel silly, and other moods that make my day in her office. so we’ll probably read that one.
Thursday better come quick. I need to go to therapy.
I need a hug from Eileen.
allie, age 9
tonight I am scared. i have a longing to hug eileen. I feel scared. Scared she’ll leave us. She hasnt said she will. Nothing happened to prompt this feeling but I just feel sad and scared and alone.
I emailed her. I’m sure she’ll respond when she reads it and reassure me everything is ok.
These feelings feel huge.And its hard to manage them.
The littles are freaking out and tears are falling tonight.
We miss her. We need her to hold us. Tell us we are ok, it will all be ok. We’ll get through it.
There is a break coming, the week after next. We arent really prepared for it. We never are prepared though for any break. Breaks are awfully hard for us.
Why are we thinking about it now with two weeks to go?
Who knows. We are worriers and its in our nature to worry.
I guess we were just missing her tonight and so thought of the break and how we wont see her for almost 10 days and we got really freaked out because it felt so long.
sigh. always something isnt there? The therapy process and relationship can be so hard.
ITS ME, PIXIE. YESTERDAY I HAD MOST OF OUR THERAPY SESSION. IT WAS SO HARD. I WAS NOT IN A GOOD PLACE EMOTIONALLY. I WAS DEPRESS, FELT HOPELESS. EILEEN TOLD ME THOUGH THAT THE HOPELESSNESS IS ACTUALLY A MEMORY SURFACING. THAT THATS NOT ME. THAT ITS A YOUNGER PART OF ME. AND YOU KNOW, SHE’S RIGHT. BECAUSE I FELT A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME RIGHT THERE RIGHT THEN. SHE WAS ABOUT 16. AND SHE FELT SO HOPELESS, TRAPPED, LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. YOU SEE, THE ABUSE CAME OUT WHEN OUR BODY WAS 14, THAT IS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE WAS REVEALED. BUT, YEAH THERE IS A BUT. IT DID NOT END. WE WERE LEFT IN THE BORDING SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER YEAR AFTER THE INITIAL DISCLOSURES. WHY, YOU MAY ASK. TRUTHFULLY, I DONT KNOW. IM NOT SURE WHY OUR MOM CHOSE TO SEND US BACK THERE, ITS SOMETHING WE HAVENT FORGIVEN HER FOR. BUT WE WERE LEFT THERE, AND THE ABUSE CONTINUED, AND NOT ONLY DID IT CONTINUE BUT IT GOT WORSE. WORSE BECAUSE WE CHOSE TO TELL SOMEONE. WE CHOSE TO TRY TO GET OUT, TRY TO GET HELP. BUT WE WERE WRONG. WE DIDNT DESERVE THE HELP. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE THINKS. ALL SHE CAN SEE IS THAT SHE’S TRAPPED, AND THERE IS NO WAY OUT. SHE HAS TO STAY IN THE ABUSIVE SITUATION EVEN LONGER. NO ONE CARED. NO ONE TRIED TO HELP HER. NO ONE GAVE A FUCK. NO ONE CARE IF SHE DIED, OR LIVED. SO YESTERDAY IN THERAPY SHE WAS REALLY NEAR THE SURFACE. EILEEN SAID SHE’D WORK WITH ME ON TRYING TO GROUND HER INTO THE PRESENT. AND I SAID I’D TRY IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP HER FEEL BETTER. BECAUSE THE HOPELESSNESS IS HORRIBLE, AND EFFECTS ME AND I HATE IT. THE FEELINGS ARE SO SCARY. BIG AND SCARY. AND UNMANAGEABLE. SO WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. AND IT WENT WELL. I MANAGED TO SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. OUR HOUSE AND WHILE WE SHOWED HER DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF OUR LIFE NOW EILEEN ALSO TALKED TO ME, KEEPING ME ANCHORED TO THE PRESENT. SHE HAD ME FLASH BACK A FEW TIMES TO 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE’S MEMORIES. BUT SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK, I TRIED TO FLASH BACK ON MY OWN BUT I GOT STUCK, I COULDNT COME BACK OUT OF THE MEMORIES ON MY OWN, I NEEDED EILEENS HELP TO DO IT. BUT YEAH. IT WAS A VERY INTENSE SESSION. WHEN WE GOT DONE WITH THE EMDR I TALKED TO EILEEN FOR A WHILE ABOUT MY OWN INTERESTS. ABOUT HOW I LIKE TO TRAVEL. ABOUT HOW WHEN I WENT TO AMERICA TO MEET OUR NOW PARTNER WELL CAROL ANNES PARTNER WE HAD SO MUCH FUN BECAUSE SHE’S MULTIPLE TOO AND IT WAS NICE TO JUST HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER MULTIPLE WHO REALLY TRULY GETS IT AND GETS US. THAT WAS SO COOL. WE WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKING FOR HOURS. I HAVE FRIENDS IN THEIR SYSTEM AND WE’D HANG OUT AND DRINK HARD LEMONADE AND PLAY MUSIC AND WATCH SOUTH PARK. IT WAS COOL. EILEEN HAD ME WORK WITH THE PULSERS TOO FOR A WHILE BRINGING UP THE GOOD MEMORIES OF TRAVELING TO AMERICA AND WORKING WITH THOSE. SO YEAH IT WAS A VERY GOOD SESSION. AND BY THE END THE 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE WAS CALMER. WHICH WAS NICE. WE LEFT FEELING A LOT CALMER. WELL SO THATS GOOD, RIGHT?