SO AFTER WRITING THE LAST POST ABOUT BEING IN CRISIS, I WENT TO BED. I DIDNT TEXT EILEEN, I DECIDED I’D WAIT AND HANG TOUGH, SEE IF I WOULD BE ABLE TO RIDE IT OUT ON MY OWN. THANKFULLY I WAS ABLE TO, AND I AM GONNA EMAIL EILEEN THIS MORNING TO UPDATE HER. I KNOW SHE’S GONNA BE SO PROUD OF US FOR BEING ABLE TO GET THROUGH A TOUGH NIGHT ON OUR OWN. SHE’LL PROBABLY SAY I SHOULD’VE REACHED OUT, BUT TO BE HONEST, WE’D HAD A LOT OF CONTACT WITH HER ALREADY THIS WEEK, AND I WASNT SO SURE SHE’D APPRECIATE IT IF I TEXTED AGAIN IN CRISIS SO SOON. I KNOW YOU CANT HELP WHEN A CRISIS HITS, BUT I JUST DONT LIKE TO BOTHER HER TOO MUCH. EVEN THOUGH SHE’S TOLD ME ITS FINE, AND THAT I CAN ALWAYS TEXT OR EMAIL HER IF THE NEED ARISES. ANYWAY, I WENT TO BED, AT 8:30 AND I FELL INTO A DEEP SLEEP. IT WAS BLISS. I SLEPT FOR 5 HOURS AND WOKE UP FEELING WAY BETTER. MUCH BRIGHTER. I GOT UP AND LET NITRO OUT, HAD A SHOWER, MADE A COFFEE, AND AM NOW SITTING HERE READING EMAIL. THE CRISIS HAS PASSED…YAY. AM SO THRILLED. AND WE DIDNT SELF HARM. ANOTHER WIN. THIS MORNINGS GOING TO BE A BUSY ONE FOR US. OUR PA FRANCES COMES AT 9, AND WE GOTTA GO TO THE STORE TO BUY GROCERIES. I HAVENT BEEN TO A STORE SINCE ALL THIS SOCIAL DISTANCING STARTED, SO I AM A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE ABOUT GOING. I HEARD THEY’RE ONLY ALLOWING A COUPLE PEOPLE IN AT A TIME, AND YOU HAVE TO GET IN LINE IF YOU WANT TO GO IN. I DO NEED FOOD THOUGH SO I’LL BRAVE THE STORE. I’M GOING TO WALK THERE, ITS ABOUT A HALF HOUR FROM MY HOUSE. THE FRESH AIR WILL DO US GOOD. I’LL GET A TAXI HOME AFTERWORDS. I ALSO AM WORKING ON FRIENDLY CALL TODAY, WAS MEANT TO HAVE NEXT WEEK OFF OF WORK BUT NOW IT ISNT HAPPENING, I HAVE TO WORK AGAIN ALL 5 DAYS NEXT WEEK. AT LEAST ONCE I GET DONE TODAY I’LL HAVE THE WEEKEND OFF. I’M GOING TO FIND SOMETHING ON NETFLIX AND BINGE WATCH IT. ANYONE GOT ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ME? OR SOMETHING ON AMAZON PRIME? I’M LOOKING FOR GOOD SHOWS TO WATCH, SO IF ANYONE HAS ANY LET ME KNOW. WELL THATS ABOUT IT FOR NOW….THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR THE SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS YOU LEFT FOR ME. WE ALL APPRECIATE THEM. YOU ALL ROCK!
WE ARE IN A MAJOR MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS! I AM IN SO MUCH TURMOIL! I STARTED FREAKING OUT EARLIER, AND I CANT CALM DOWN. I AM SOOO ANXIOUS. I HAVE HAD MEMORIES AND FLASHBACKS GOING ON FOR HOURS NOW. WE’VE BEEN SWITCHING LIKE CRAZY, I’VE JUST COME OUT LONG ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN TO WRITE THIS NOW. BEFORE THIS KIDS WERE ALL CRYING AND FREAKING OUT, TRIGGERFEST, WHAT A FUCKING MESS! WE ARE HAVING URGES TO SELF HARM, AND FEELING LIKE WE SHOULD JUST END IT. WE FEEL SO SO UNWELL AND VERY UNSTABLE. THINK I SHOULD TEXT EILEEN BUT DUNNO IF I CAN? AFRAID TO? JUST CAUSE I DONT WANNA BOTHER HER? LIKE CAUSE WE ONLY SAW HER YANNO TODAY? AND MAYBE SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED? I NEED TO PUT MY FEARS ASIDE AND JUST TEXT HER! OMG GUYS I AM IN SUCH A MESS. I’M LITERALLY SHAKING FROM HEAD TO TOE! I CANT EVEN PUT WORDS TO THE MEMORIES. THEY’RE ALL JUMBLED SNIPPETS, NOTHINGS CLEAR. ALL I GET ARE GLIMPSES, BUT WHEN I TRY TO PIECE IT TOGETHER I CANT. MY ANXIETYS THROUGH THE ROOF! I AM SO, SO ANXIOUS. I AM ANCI AND JITTERY, AND CANT SIT STILL FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES! HELP SOMEONE HELP ANYONE I NEED SOMEONE! I AM NOT OK!
Therapy today was awesome! We had a great session and Eileen was amazing.
During the session some of the kids had a hard time feeling eileens presence, they didnt understand that she could see them, some of them do, but some dont understand about it being online now. They were wondering why we werent in eileens office, and seeing her, sitting next to her, and being with her.
Then eileen had an idea. She said for us to put our hand our left hand on our right shoulder, just like she does when we’re upset or stressed out.
We did it, and it was instant, the connection! Eileen said she was reaching out to us, and connecting, doing it too, and she even said she felt heat under her own hand, as if our shoulder was right there under her hand.
Then, she had us do the butterfly hug, which is part of EMDR, and she also did it with us, even going at the same speed with the tapping that we were doing.
Being virtually held made us all feel so safe.
She kept saying to us, you are safe, I am here with you, listen to my voice, I am in your living room, we are connected.
It was such a validating experience! I never thought online therapy would work so well, but it actually does. Even Eileen agrees, she said she had misgivings too at first, but she’s glad we’re doing it now, and she still feels our connection as strongly as if we were in her office and sitting together.
I am so glad she does, because, I do too.
So Eileen just called us! She said we’ve been on her mind a lot, and she wanted to know if we were free tomorrow to have a session then.
We jumped at the chance to do that!
She spoke to Allie too, because Allie had sent her a text to ask her if she was mad at us. Of course the answer was no!
So we’re going to see her tomorrow at 12:30 and we’ll have a good chat then!
Everything seems to be going good for us with our team all being so supportive and first today dr. barry rang us, and then eileen called us to fit us in even after we couldnt do our monday session!
I am so thankful to have such an amazing, incredible supportive team around me!
Eileen is just the best! I love that she thinks of us even outside of our session time with her.
We are incredibly lucky to have such an attuned therapist!
And Allie is happy now too and she’s stopped worrying!
Its allie. for ya’ll who dont know me im 9. im realy sad. and kinda freakin out. i think eileen might be mad at us. but im scared to ask her!
see we was meant to go to therapy on monday, but we had a migraine, and felt overwhelmed, so liz texted eileen to tell her we aint going. she asked eileen if we can reschedule, but eileen said she didnt have another time available, but if she gets a cancelation shed get in touch with us. but i am gessing nobody canceled cuz she never texted us.
but the text she sent us back after liz texted her was real short, and not how she normally writes. so what if shes mad at us?
do ya think i should ask her?
i want to but im so scared of the answer being yes!
She called me! I wasnt expecting a call from her at all! I had postponed my apt, or I was thinking it would be postponed, when I said I didnt wanna go up to the clinic due to the coronavirus outbreak. But she called me! I didnt recognise her voice when she called, and she was like, hi carol anne? And I was like, whose this? I was surprised someone was calling me who knew my name! Then of course she’s like its me Dr. Barry, and I went, oh! Hi! Thanks for calling me! It was such a nice thing! So good to chat to her! She said they are doing most appointments via phone for now at least, but they may move to using zoom later on in the month, they are awaiting the technology from their employer. If they start using zoom, that will be 3 things that I am doing that are now using it. Therapy, slimming world, and dr. barry. Good thing I learned how to use it! We talked about working from home, and she encouraged me to do my work from just one room in my house, and then to have some wind down time afterwords, which I was doing anyway. She said its important for me to take care of me during all this, do a lot of self care stuff. I am taking next week off from working, as I’ve worked every day for the last 2 weeks, and its taxing, and overwhelming to listen to people being so anxious and upset and depressed. It doesnt make me feel any less anxious or fearful thats for sure. So I’ll take a week off next week, and Dr. Barry encouraged me to do that. We talked about the social worker contacting me, which happened recently. She’s helping me to try to get more PA hours. She’s a new social worker, so I dont know her and I told Dr. Barry I wasnt very open with her since I didnt know her. Dr. Barry told me she’d explained to her about me having did, and she told me to trust her, and that the new social worker is very thorough, and she did seem that way when I spoke to her last week. We talked a little about therapy, and about meds, and about my plans now for traveling. That was most of the appointment, she said she’d make another appointment for me for 2 weeks time, and that she’d phone me again, which I am so glad about. Its a bit weird not seeing her face to face. Even she said the same thing, she said its very weird doing it over the phone. Its actually the first time me and Dr. Barry have spoken on the phone. I’m just so touched that she decided not to postpone my appointment, and that she took it upon herself to call me, even though I’d said I’d be ok with postponing, I made that decision in a rush, and was sorry after I’d made it, but now I still had my appointment, which is great.
I never went to therapy this morning. I got too overwhelmed. I tried not to cancel the session, but the anxiety got too much. At 8:30 I texted Eileen, and told her I was cancelling. I asked her if there was any possibility we could reschedule the session for later on in the week. She texted back to say at the moment she doesn’t have an opening but if she gets a cancelation she’ll get back to me.
Then I went back to bed. I didn’t really sleep though. I got maybe half an hour of good rest. The rest of the time I just layed there overthihnking and ruminating.
My friend Norma called me and we chatted, that was a good distraction. Also my friend sarah was texting me, she offered to talk to me but at the time I was too wound up and I couldn’t think straight so I said it was fine, that I’d be ok.
I rang Dr. Barrys office, and my appointment is not going ahead on Wednesday. We might be doing a phone session, the secretary needs to talk to dr. barry to see what she wants to do. So I guess I really should have tried harder to get to my therapy session, since now I don’t have any support from my mental health team for the week. Well, I can email Eileen, or text I guess, but I feel bad doing that when we didn’t have our session.
I’m still feeling very off. This self isolating has me all up in a heap. I feel triggered, really triggered by it. And I heard on the radio this morning that Ireland might actually be definitely going into a lockdown phase, because some people are being so damn stupid, going to beaches, not taking social distancing seriously, being so disrespectful of others who might get sick from their carelessness.
Its ridiculous. I guess its just a waiting game now. But they even closed macdonalds here, and I think that says a lot, most places are now closed down.
Well, I think I’ll go make some lunch, try to get my focus on something other than this damn anxiety monster, I hope it works.