all i can do is ride the wave. and that, my friends is what ive been doing for the last two hours.
ive been reading, and texting, and binging on netflicks shows, and downloading media, anything and everything to keep busy…
because when im busy im not anxious, im not emotional, im not crazy…
im not a mess of insanity…
its going on for 6 AM. after countless cups of tea and coffee, and no sleep, its time to face another day.
question for you all my loyal and faithful readers…
if you had some words of wisdom for me right now. something that you’d tell me to do to ride out this wave and get through the storm, what would they be?
fuck fuck fuck
my thoughts are racing. oh fuck. its baaad
i cant cope this these thoughts. just feel overwhelmed and sad.
oh gawd, why is it always at night?
why? i just want to sleep. but every time I try
The tears fall
Pain, raw pain
It threatens to overtake me
Think I should go sit with nitro, feel his soft fur against my cheek
now thats the best idea I’ve had all night
It be darina
and want to kno somfin
I wish I had reeces penut buter cups
I love them
and I don got any
actuly I gots no candees here
everbudy shud kno littles need candees
who liks penut buter cups
jus in case yu woner why I rit lik this
I am a insidr
in this body and I am six
six yars old
and dats jus how I rit
I like food all food
and sweets and cookies
and cake and stuf hahahaha
I wanna kno whose gona share ther candees wif me
and I need some candys
darina ballerina hoose six
i am a little worried today. i feel really dehydrated. i mean literally i am gasping, have been drinking a ton of water. cups and cups of it out of the water cooler. i had a headache this morning when i woke, i didnt know why. i told noelle and clodagh about it. they wanted me to talk to the nurse here but i didnt want to, because the nurses here make a huge deal out of everything, they’d have had probably wanted me to go to the doctor or something, when all i need to do is lie down for an hour. anyway, it turns out i didnt lie down at all, i just got some water and it went away on its own. i even did two laps around the park and i felt much better after a bit of fresh air. im not used to being dehydrated though. i am diabetic and i thought my sugars might be high because sometimes when they get high you can become dehydrated. i have no way of testing them though as i left my kit at home. i guess all i can do is keep drinking as i need to.
I got to have time with Eileen this week, I like that. We talked about a lot of things and are used the punters. I never used them before. They helped me to be able to bring up memories, and they weren’t all bad memories either. Some of the more happy memories, like memories of being in preschool and the phone are used to have when I was there. We talked about the assessment and I told Eileen I am upset with Doctor Barry because she thinks I don’t take my mads because I want to stay sick but that’s not true I don’t take the medication because it makes me feel sick especially since I overdosed so many times on medication before and so when I take it it makes me feel sick like I’m gonna throw up. I do like Doctor Barry I’m just murdered her right now. I will have to talk to her and tell her that the reasons why I don’t take my medication sometimes are not the same reasons that she thinks. Right now though I don’t want to talk to her I just want to talk with Eileen. We talk about my feelings and how sometimes I feel very hopeless and very sad and like I want today. Eileen said that was very sad. She keep me some homework for the week. I’m supposed to do one activity and take time for myself and do something nice. So I think I’ll probably listen to music and look up some information about butterfly something like butterflies a lot. I know this phone is messing up and not getting all my words right I think it doesn’t understand my voice sometimes. Dictation can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes. Anyway I like having time in therapy and I hope I can have time again soon
so today eileen was telling me how when she was doing her masters she did some research into the medical model versus the recovery model.
she said one phrase that really stuck with her when looking at the recovery model was
“nothing about me, without me”
I must say I loved this. It says it so well. All therapy whether with a psychiatrist, therapist etc should be a 50 50 partnership between therapist and client.
Mine is. And I am so thankful for that fact.