ITS LIZ. I HAVE A LOT OF FEAR IN ME RIGHT NOW. I FEAR EVERYTHING, AND EVERYONE. ITS HARD TO ADMIT TO IT. I AM NORMALLY A STRONG PERSON. NORMALLY I’D JUST SAY, FUCK IT. I WOULDNT LET FEAR RULE ME. I WOULDNT GIVE IN TO IT.
BUT THIS LATEST CONTACT LAST WEEK FROM A PAST ABUSER HAS SHAKEN ME, I FEEL UNSAFE, UNSAFE IN OUR HOME. IT FEELS HARD. ITS HARD TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. ITS HARD TO COPE. ITS HARD TO SOOTHE THE KIDS, THEY GET SO FREAKED OUT, AND TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, WE’RE ALL FREAKING OUT, KIDS, TEENS, AND ADULTS.
WE ARE NERVOUS TO GO OUTSIDE. EVEN LETTING NITRO OUT, WE’RE NERVOUS. WE’RE NERVOUS IN CASE SOMEONE COULD BE OUTSIDE WATCHING US. I KNOW THAT SEEMS REALLY IRRATIONAL. I MEAN, MORE THAN LIKELY NOBODY IS GOING TO BE OUT THERE. BUT BEING BLIND, ITS HARD, WE CANT SEE TO SEE SOMEONE IF THEY ARE.
I GUESS I AM JUST VERY SPOOKED, AND SCARED. WE’RE ONLY GETTING 3 HOURS OF SLEEP AT A TIME. WE’RE CONSTANTLY ON HIGH ALERT. ITS HORRIBLE AND AN AWFUL WAY TO SURVIVE AND LIVE. I WISH IT WASNT THIS WAY. BUT I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CHANGE THINGS.
I’M JUST HOPING WHEN WE SEE EILEEN TODAY THAT WE CAN TALK TO HER. I PLAN ON TALKING TO HER ABOUT ALL OF IT. IF ANYONE CAN HELP, SHE CAN. I’M SURE OF IT. SHE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE FAITH IN HER.
I love having a great sense of humour!
It really makes a huge difference to my day!
Our little, darina, whose six, loves to joke around and tell jokes. She’s constantly laughing and its so nice to see her smile.
The kids in my system have so much to deal with, that when they are able to smile and laugh, it makes me happy.
So heres one of her latest jokes!
Why did tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!
I told you, funny stuff, Darina just loves to tell that joke!
Have an awesome day and enjoy whats left of Monday!
From Carol anne and all of the alters!
Daily Prompt – JusJoJan the 20th, 2020
With shaking hands
and a pounding heart
I link your arm
you guide me in to your office
we sit down
and start to talk
I’ve never met you before
but you tell me there is no pressure to talk to you
that I should only
tell you what I feel comfortable to talk about
you are honest with me
telling me you don’t know much about did
I appreciate the honesty
it helps me feel safe
I begin to open up
Trusting that you can help
You will know what to do
With much trepidation
I tentatively start to talk
And before I know it
I’ve said so much
But your so easy to talk to
You’ll make a fine doctor
You have what it takes
Thank you for making me
Feel so comforted and at ease today
So well, I went to see Dr. barry. But I didnt actually see her. I had to see a junior doctor, her name was Jennifer. She was extremely nice, very friendly. I never knw Dr. Barry wouldnt be there today. She didnt know either it seems. Jennifer told me one of Dr. Barrys team passed away suddenly and Dr. Barry was attending the funeral this morning, thats why she wasnt at her outpatient clinic. When Jennifer called me I first said to her that I wasnt going to see her. But then when she told me the circumstances and why she was calling me instead of Dr. Barry I decided I’d give her a chance. And I am so glad I did. It was so worth it. She said I didnt have to tell her stuff if I wasnt comfortable, that there would be no pressure and that I could just tell her what I wanted to, what I felt comfortable talking about. That put me at ease right away, so much so that I did end up telling her a lot of stuff. I told her about the abuser contacting us, and how distressing that was for me. She sympathised, and said how sorry she was that that had happened. I told her I had did, and she said that she had never met anyone with it, and she knew very little about it. But she was open, and she didnt try to stop me from talking about alters, about symptoms of did, etc. She let me say exactly what I wanted to say. For that I am very grateful. I told her about Emilys distress lately, about how she’s been throwing up after we eat. I’m not sure if I mentioned that here or not. I may have, but I am not sure if I did. So anyway, we talked about sleep, she was very interested in hearing about our sleep issues. We did ask her to refer us to the weekend team, but she said she’d need to ask the consultant who was covering for Dr. Barry. So she left the room to ask her, and I waited. When she came back, she said that they’d decided that on wednesday, she’d speak to Dr. Barry. Since she knows me, they wanted to leave it up to her as to whether she wanted to refer me to the weekend team. So she’s going to talk to her on wednesday and then if she refers me the team will contact me at the weekend. I said I was ok with that plan of action. I’d rather Dr. Barry makes the referral anyway, because she knows my history and she’ll know what issues to put on the referal form. I have another appointment to see Dr. Barry in two weeks. But Jennifer told me that if I did get suicidal or wanting to self harm, to either present to my GP or else go to the emergency room to be seen. I said I would. We did discuss suicidal thoughts, since we’ve been having those too lately. And since the contact last week, they’ve gotten worse. I told her I was seeing Eileen tomorrow, and we’ll discuss all of this stuff. Thank god for Eileen. Where would I be without her? I dont actually know how I’d cope. I probably would be in the hospital now if I didnt have her. She’s a life saver and I am so grateful to have her. I do hope Dr. Barry refers me to the weekend team. Or else maybe she’ll ask Sarah to call me. I wont know until later in the week what the outcome will be. But I am glad I decided to give Jennifer a chance. I’ve decided that she’s going to make a really good doctor. She seems so open and willing to learn. Thats how a doctor should be. Some arent though. I am sad we didnt see dr. barry today though. But that couldnt be helped. Usually if she wasnt going to be there someone would call me to let me know. They must have forgot. Its ok though, I managed, I am actually very proud of myself for seeing ennifer, that was huge for me. I never see junior doctors. That was a big step for me to take, but I’m happy I did it.
I’m so anxious. I cant breathe good. My chest hurts. My heart is pounding. I got really triggered. I was having flashbacks, which triggered me to have a panic attack.
I’m so scared. I dont know what to do. Its hard to breathe, I’m also shaking a lot.
Is anyone around to talk? If you are able to write me that will be good. I might feel better if I chat to someone, it might take my mind off the memories.
Right now I am just feeling so anxious. Its 1 AM now. I’m going to make some tea. Because, tea makes everything better.
Emily, age 12
One small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means you were put to the test and didn’t fall apart.
There is so much noise inside my head! Kids chatting, some are excited, some are crying, some are scared, some are just chatting to each other.
Its like a zoo in here!
The teen insiders are just as bad! Some are complaining about how unfair their life is, some are in the midst of trauma and stuck in their own pain and memories, some are in their rooms with their music blaring, some are writing their thoughts on paper.
And here we are me and liz and sienna and the other adults, trying to manage the unmanageable!
And it does feel really unmanageable tonight!
Its always like that the day of therapy and the day or two after it!
We had a really great session yesterday, which I will write more about in the coming days. But Shirley came out for part of it, and our eyes were opened. Also Liz talked to Eileen about her own feelings and I know that really helped her a lot.
We came home last night from slimming world, ate dinner, and simply crashed, but sleep didn’t come easily, every time that we tried to settle, the kids were crying, afraid of having nightmares, so they were afraid to go to sleep!
We finally slept a bit, but woke at 3 AM! Got up, showered, and now we’re ready for the day!
I just gotta get our zoo in order! 😀