I feel like shit. My mood plummeted. Really quickly.
I feel low, so so low.
Suicidal, impulsive, scared I might do something irrational.
Its hard to think. Its hard to put it into words.
I feel like shit and I feel like a failure. I can do nothing right.
tonight i really would love to contact eileen. i havent but god i want to. the main reason i havent is because of last time i did. last weekend i contacted her to ask her about our session time, because i genuinely forgot the time of the session, since she changed it at the last minute. so i texted her. in session on monday she asked me about it, and casually she said i am wondering why you did that and on a sunday, you dont normally do that? as soon as she said it i immediately felt so embarressed. she’s right, i would normally not contact her on the weekend. she asked me if i’d been struggling and just needed to have her reassurance, and i wanted to say no, but i couldnt, because the anser was yes.
its so hard, the boundaries, and knowing what is and isnt appropriate as far as contact, she isnt restricting me contacting her, but she said she just needs to hold good boundaries, because of the fact that I havent had consistency in my life around holding boundaries and around what is and isnt appropriate.
all very well, but when your desperate, all that goes out the window!
tonight I feel desperate. the little parts need to be heard. they need to be soothed. they feel sad. i dont know why they’re alone and sad, but i feel the intensity of the ache in my heart, and it hurts to breathe.
and i want to email or text eileen. but i’m scared to. what if she gets angry if i do it. what if she wants a break from me, what if I’m too much? what if, what if. i suppose i could email, after all at least with an email its not instant, she can read it when she wants or has time to.
so hard to know what to do for the best but I just know the young parts of me crave a mom and not our bio mom because they do not consider her their mom!
Any advice on what to do would be appreciated!
well we celebrated moms birthday and had a blast. there was myself, my mom, dad, sister and my sisters 2 kids. despite my dads whining and being a groan, we enjoyed ourselves. he’s all about routine, and he wanted to leave the garden centre after an hour, after we’d eaten our meal. but we wanted to stay and look around at the flowers and other items they sell. me and my sister also wanted to get dessert and get our mom a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. we did end up staying which my dad wasnt to thrilled about. the garden centre has so many amazing flowers and plants, but a lot of them are very expensive. my sister bought some flowers, she said she wants to try her hand at gardening. i would have bought some but my fear of bees and insects keeps me from having flowers in my back yard. i did see apple trees though and I really want one. My friend rose said they draw wasps too though and my sister said they draw worms. I would also love a swing for my back yard. then I could sit out and read or listen to music while nitro played in the garden. i’d also love a water feature but they are so expensive. then you have to get a plumber to plumb it all in and stuff. it sounds like too much hard work but maybe i can dream? the food was lovely. for my meal i had a sweet chili and chicken rap with fries, and for dessert I had red velvet gateau. it was delicious. they make all of their cakes fresh every day so its extra nice. my mom won five euro on one of the lottery tickets I gave her. she didnt get anything on the other two. when we drove back to ur parents and dropped them off, mom said to me and laura that she’d had a fantastic day, then she kissed both of us which was a big surprise but a nice surprise. i think she felt special and was happy to have her family around her today. the weather here is still really hot. the temps are supposed to get higher tomorrow. we had a little thunder shower earlier but I think thats because of the heat. I’m feeling good tonight. I feel settled, calm and happy which feels so nice. Its been a wonderful day.
it is very hard for me to write but i am going to try. i never spoke out loud to anyone, that is, until today. today i spoke to our therapist eileen. it was totally by accident. therapy started off going in one direction and then it totally went in a differeyt way, simply because carol anne happened to mention that she doesnt seem to have as much access to certain system information any more like she used to in the past. eileen was curious why that might be. carol anne didnt know but i did. i am what is known as a blocker. in fact i am just called the blocker. my job is to block people in our system from feeling emotions, my job is to shut the emotions down, and dissociate them away. up to recently i was doing this all of the time. then i started to allow little bits of emotion to get through, but each time i felt that we were getting overwhelmed, i’d put on the breaks again. my job is also to keep people at arms length, not to get too close to anyone or let anyone gt too close to us. for fear we’d get hurt. i noticed some of the insiders really starting to trust eileen. and that caused me to panick. so that is basically what me and eileen talked all about today. eileen said she can totally understand where I’m coming from, she said i had to do what I do to survive, and if I didnt, I wouldnt have survived the abuse. We looked at different strategies and ways of me not doing that, ways of me allowing the others to process memories and trust in a safe space, like eileens office. and i do feel safe in there. if i can allow anyone in its eileen. she has proven over and over again that she is trustworthy and that she cares. i told her i’d allow us to be ourselves in therapy, but that maybe i’d continue to wall things off in everyday life because it felt safer. eileen agreed that for now that was probably a good plan. she kept asking me what do i see when i look at carol anne, or liz. i told her i see carol anne as the 14 year old she was back when she first started coming out. she has aged since then but i dont see it. its like my brain hasnt caught up. i still see her as that vulnerable 14 year old who needs protecting. eileen kept saying that carol anne and liz are a team, that they run things for us now mostly. and that they are doing a very good job of it. and i agree they are. we’d be lost without carol anne. and liz is just liz, she kicks ass. so we talked about the time and date and year and the past versus the present for a while too. that was interesting. the session has given me a lot to think over and reflect on.
Things are a lot better for us today. A lot calmer. We had a terrific day. The weather here was beautiful today. I spent the day at my parents house out in their garden. Nitro was in his element, he really enjoyed being out in the garden running around. My sister came with the kids and we all had a fun time. Tomorrow mom and us and our sister and the kids are going to the beach and doing a BBQ on the beach. I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to a long walk on the beach, and a big 99 icecream cone on the way home. I promised the kids I’d get them an ice cream cone with a chocolate flake in it. The BBQ should be fun. We’re going to BBQ sausages. The weather for the rest of this weekend is supposed to be fabulous. Its my cousins birthday tomorrow, I got her a card and am giving her some money and a lottery ticket. Mom and me and my sister were going to go to my aunts today to drop her presents and cards off to her but then my sister was too tired so we never ended up going. My other aunt whose moms other sister called this evening and I spent some time chatting to her and mom which was cool. I’ve also been burning cd’s all day onto my computer. I am trying to rip all of my music and rip all of my movies and its going to take me forever lol. I have so many you see. My new dvd’s and cd’s i got on ebay havent arrived yet. I’m anxiously waiting for them to arrive. Maybe they’ll come on Monday. I hope you’ve all had a good day today. What are your plans for the weekend?
this is jade. we are very very suicidal. actually, emily is very very suicidal. she almost overdosed. i am scared. we’re alone, and have means to end it. trying desperately to do everything we can to manage this. manage the feelings. distract. cope. its all very well saying all that. doing it is another thing. just the feelings have overwhelmed us, memories have overwhelmed emily. she is unstable aned frightened and irrational. the scary thing is she could if she chose to block all of us and take the pills, without any of us knowing. she has that sort of power. right now i’m watching her like a hawk. i’m not letting her out of my sight. if anyones around if you have some time maybe we could talk?
jade and emily
o guys i sad cus my head hurts
and the voises are bak
and i hate them
and they be mean
say mean things to me
like i horible girl
and no budy liks me
and i shud die
it mak me cry
why them voises jus no leav me be
i so sad i want someone to sit with me
taylor i six