Thanks to everyone who supported me last night when I felt so bad. I am ok now, I am feeling a lot stronger, I am sorry if I upset anyone, or made anyone feel uncomfortable with talk of suicide and being depressed.
Sometimes I forgot and I know they are hard things to talk about and sometimes people arent in a place to talk about that stuff. Bcause sometimes I am not either.
anyway I had a good sunday. I am going to talk with our therapist eileen in the morning. I know she’ll help. She always does.
I been reading the secret garden and watching netflix. I been watching disney plus also. I love Icarly, austin and ally, and jesse.
We also took a nap this afternoon, cuz we was up early so we got tired.
Naps are good!
love, emily xoxo
Well, Em had a bad night. She was struggling a lot tonight. She finally got some sleep and she is now sleeping. But I am wide awake. I am worried about her. She has been so depressed lately. Its such a worry. We that is myself and liz, and jade, have been trying to help her best as we can. The thing is though, she doesnt want to talk to us. She keeps everything to herself. Jade lives with her, in the area inside where Emily lives, and she has said she’ll keep an eye on her. I worry when she is so suicidal. She can be quite impulsive. And she has an ability to block the rest of us from knowing what she’s doing, and she can block us from having control of the body, if she wants to as well, I need to try to keep focused, and keeping a close eye on whose out, what they are doing when they are out etc. I’ve told emily she isnt to come out if she feels suicidal, unless myself or Liz or Jade are close by to watch her. She has agreed to this. I’ve taken all of our meds, and hid them. The last thing I want is for her to get hold of our meds and take the whole lot, which is something that could easily happen when she gets the urge to die and because she is so impulsive at times. Her depression debilitates her. You can tell, just from looking at her that she’s not ok. Did you ever walk into a room with someone whose depressed and the energy in the room feels awful? The air is heavy, the atmosphere is heavy? That is how it is here when Emilys out. She says she feels flat, and she has no energy to care. thats the worry, when she has no energy to care. i’ve told her she can write to people, on our email list, and on our blog over the next few days for support and she said she would do that. she’ll also talk to eileen on monday I hope. I’ve emailed eileen to fill her in on the situation. Just one more day to get through before we see eileen. Thank god.
hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
emily age 12
Darina one of our child alters, is six years old.
She can be extremely funny.
This morning she said to me, wide eyed, and oh so serious:
You know how in therapy eileen always talks to people about whats wrong?
Yes, I said.
Well what about the insiders who arent sad? What about us?
Do happy ones get to talk to?
Of course, I said, with a smile.
Everyone is welcome to talk, remember eileen said that.
Oh yeah, she said, but I just thought the happy kids were forgotten about cuz we dont gots problems.
Lol. She’s so cute.
FOWC with Fandango — Classic
Ok so I was thinking. A dangerous thing to do hehehe.
I thought I might do a series on the blog. and call it meet the alters.
Where we’d introduce some of our insiders, and give each of them a post of their own.
Are people interested in meeting some of the alters?
I know our insiders are really excited to do this.
What do people think? Is it something you’d like us to do?
Hi. Its lisa. I am 17. I am one of Emilys insiders.
We had a really great therapy session this morning. Guess what we did?
I was feeling really depressed. And I was having awful flashbacks. And I just felt awful.
Eileen said we could do something fun. She asked me what I enjoyed. I had no clue. Then I thought of music, I love music.
So she got her phone and she put on spotify. And we listened to music together. She showed me songs that she likes, and I showed her songs that I like. It was so much fun.
She showed me a john legend song and a bruno mars song that she loves. I couldnt believe she likes up to date pop music. That was so cool.
I got her to play this is me from the greatest showman, and there’s nothing holding me back by sean mendez, and a thousand miles by vanessa carlton, and happy by farrell williams.
We talked all about music and how i felt listening to it. And it was so cool. It made me feel better in no time at all. I calmed right down and the memories lessened.
Eileen is so creative, in how she does therapy. I love that about her.
She always makes our sessions so interesting. Plus now that we’ve done that, I can use the music to feel connectd to her. I can play the songs we played when I am feeling bad.
Like I felt at 5 AM this morning, and I had nobody to call. Now I have music to listen to. yay.
its me em. for those who might not know, i am an insider, i am 12.
i’ve been feeling real bad lately. i am very depressed.
i talked to eileen yesterday, and she helped me.
we talked about how much i hate my body. i hate how I look. I hate everything about me.
eileen said I am beautiful, precious, lovable, kind, caring, and she said she’ll keep telling me those things until i believe her.
that might be a while. but i am trying to believe her.
i want to believe her because i trust her, and she makes me feel loved and safe.
i’ve been throwing up a lot lately, becaue my body feels disgusting and awful and i feel fat and unlovable.
i know i shouldnt throw up but i cant help it.
eileen said we’ll keep talking about stuff and processing it.
she is going to hold some of my memories in a huge container and keep them in her office far away from me.
i just feel so sad lately. my heart is broken.
i have been suicidal too. thoughts about ending it are constantly in my head.
jade encouraged me to write here, she said everyone who reads our blog is very supportive and that you’d all be nice to me.
im just scared about the thoughts in my head.
im scared of myself. and of what I might do.
love, em age 12