Yesterday I had an apt with my OT mark. It was a really good apt. We talked some more about options for me to do a college course. I am still interested in something related to childcare. at least I was until I got a phone call yesterday evening from one of the tutors on the other course I am interested in which is called issues in substance use in youth and community work. When the tutor rang me she said she’d send me an application form and brochure which she did and i’ve sent it on to mark, I also sent him an email this morning asking him to fill out the application form with me. But back to yesterday and the apt. We talked about the childcare course. And the supports I may need in the college. Funnily enough the course in issues of substance use in youth and community work is taking place in the same college where the childcare courses I wanted to do are. The thing is I only want to go part time. And the substance use course is part time. The childcare one is full time and that is way too stressful for me. Plus I’ve gotten a volunteer position with cork city partnership as an office admin worker I’ll be doing up letters, writing email and answering phones. Its only 1 day a week but then I also volunteer at the basement club, I’ve taken a small break while I was hospitalised recently but I will be going back to it soon. I work better under less pressure so that is what myself and mark talked through yesterday. Then we got on to talking about the adaptive technology and home improvements. I had asked him to request a price on a frame that goes around my toilet, which he did, but yesterday he said that rather than having me pay for it, he should refer me to the community OT and she could do an assessment and then I should be able to get the frame on my medical card. Since I’ve been having balance issues and postural hypertention that is why I need the frame. I told him I am having the blood pressure monitor done next week to see if my meds are causing my blood pressure to drop. so we decided to wait until we meet again in 3 weeks time to make a final decision about the adaptions to my home. I also have to see what equipment I might need and send him a quote for it, then he will get Karen the social worker to do a funding application for me. That was the bulk of our appointment. I did talk to him some about my ongoing symptoms. He always checks in with me about how I’m doing, what is going on for me, etc. Which is really nice. He’s a good listener and I was able to get a lot off my mind before I ever went in to see dr. barry.
this is jade. we are very very suicidal. actually, emily is very very suicidal. she almost overdosed. i am scared. we’re alone, and have means to end it. trying desperately to do everything we can to manage this. manage the feelings. distract. cope. its all very well saying all that. doing it is another thing. just the feelings have overwhelmed us, memories have overwhelmed emily. she is unstable aned frightened and irrational. the scary thing is she could if she chose to block all of us and take the pills, without any of us knowing. she has that sort of power. right now i’m watching her like a hawk. i’m not letting her out of my sight. if anyones around if you have some time maybe we could talk?
jade and emily
i just had my phone check in with eileen. i thanked her for responding to allie’s email the other day. she said she realised she broke her own rule of no replying to email, but that she really just wanted us to know she was ok so that we wouldnt be worrying. i appreciated that she broke her rule for us. we talked about the two weeks she was away. i told her it felt like an eternity. i told her about my dads UC and my moms results and how i’d been trying to be there for both of them to support them. she asked me who was supporting me? i jokingly said you are but really that isnt far from the truth. i told her my dad is in a lot of denial about his UC and he is drinking non stop. if i say something nice he loses it with me, if i say nothing at all he still loses it and starts arguing with me. last week he tried to convince me he’s not drinking that much, but in reality he is drinking every day. eileen said i am not going to change him, which i kind of know but hearing it really brought it home for me. she said you cant change another person, he will have to want to change himself, but he doesnt want to do that. he wants to go against all the advice his doctors are giving him and therefore make his UC worse. I told eileen I’d been isolating a lot these past two weeks. She encouraged me to go out to the basement club tomorrow. She said sometimes when we isolate we can stay in our heads. I agree this is so true. But I feel like I cant face anyone I really just want to hide. I’m not even going to my parents this weekend because I dont want to be around my dad. I told mom I’d come on sunday for dinner and go home again that evening. Eileen said to just see how i feel but that I am to look after myself and keep myself well. Think of myself now and put myself first. I know she’s right. So why then is it so hard for me to do it? I told her about last week and how I never went to see dr. Barry because I had a panick attack and my ptsd symptoms got very bad. So bad that I just had to go back to bed. She was really understanding and it felt so good to be able to connect with her and talk to her. I feel secure in the knowledge that she will look out for me and be there for me when I am unable to look out for myself.
What one thing would you like to change about the mental health system?
Do you think having a mental illness has made you a stronger person? And why?
i’ve managed to get my anxiety under control. i distracted, thats my normal thing to do. i went out to the living room and watched some tv with my parents. there was a quiz show on which i was able to take interest in and then some cheesy dating show came on and i was like um I am not watching this so went back out to the bedroom and started browsing my email. it worked though. my anxiety is less now. i feel normal again. i am going to listen to some music now. a bit of adele. and a bit of taylor swift. and a bit of rihanna. yeah love me some music. lol. everyone inside is happy right now too so i am relieved about that. i just noticed i didnt wear my apple watch today. maybe i should have and then i could have used the breathe ap on it to do some mindful breathing. i’m doing better though and i’m grateful for that.
I leave to go to respite on Monday. I am going for four nights. The respite place is a centre for people with physical disabilities. It is my first time going there. I am looking forward to it. I feel I need the break. After recently getting out of the psych hospital, and dealing with recent depression and ptsd symptoms and anxiety, I really feel the break is needed. I packed my stuff this morning and now everythings ready. My mom helped me. I had a lot to pack up because Nitro is coming with me so I had some of his stuff too as well as all of my own stuff. I am feeling a little apprehensive and nervous about going but I am trying to think positively about it. Hoping the staff will be nice, show me around, help me take Nitro out to potty, etc. I’m pretty sure they will though. Its just me worrying like I always do about things in advance of them happening. If this works out, I may have respite a few weeks in the year. That would really be good and cut down on hospitalisations for me I hope.