So this morning, I met with my mentor. We worked on goal setting, and here are the goals I’ve set myself for 2020. I’ve set quite a few of them. I am looking forward to achieving them all if I can!
- To lose another 2 stone by January next year
- To be fitter and take up running
- To have lower, more manageable levels of anxiety
- To disassociate less frequently
- To improve internal communication with my alters
- To have and maintain a stable improved mood
- To have positive self-esteem and self confidence
- To further resolve trauma and build my resilience
- To improve my singing skills and confidence
- To practice yoga
- To have a successful holiday to Colorado
- To have better independence in mobility
- To join a hobby group to socialise with
- To continue volunteering with Friendly Call
- To find suitable employment
So the public health nurse came out to me yesterday, and she helped me to apply for more PA hours. We went through everything together, and she filled out all of the forms that she needed to fill. She went through all of my history also before filling them out, as she had never met me before. We decided to use my did as the primary disability, since I struggle more with that, and my other mental illnesses, than I do with my blindness. Of course, we did also include my blindness, and we also put down my other health issues, like epilepsy, diabetes and asthma.
We talked about what I wanted to use the extra hours for if I get them, and I told her I’d use them for doing housework, socialising and going to appointments, etc. So she decided to ask for 3 extra hours for me per week. I already get 7 hours so 3 extra would be great and if I got those I’d be very happy.
So we’ll see what happens. She was going back to the office to speak to her manager, and see what she would say. It will be up to her whether the forms need to go in or whether they can just call the agency who delivers my pa services, and talk to them directly without actually putting in the application at all.
She said they’d be in touch with me once they know more. I hope thats soon. I have a feeling I’ll be waiting a while, though.
ITS LIZ. I HAVE A LOT OF FEAR IN ME RIGHT NOW. I FEAR EVERYTHING, AND EVERYONE. ITS HARD TO ADMIT TO IT. I AM NORMALLY A STRONG PERSON. NORMALLY I’D JUST SAY, FUCK IT. I WOULDNT LET FEAR RULE ME. I WOULDNT GIVE IN TO IT.
BUT THIS LATEST CONTACT LAST WEEK FROM A PAST ABUSER HAS SHAKEN ME, I FEEL UNSAFE, UNSAFE IN OUR HOME. IT FEELS HARD. ITS HARD TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. ITS HARD TO COPE. ITS HARD TO SOOTHE THE KIDS, THEY GET SO FREAKED OUT, AND TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, WE’RE ALL FREAKING OUT, KIDS, TEENS, AND ADULTS.
WE ARE NERVOUS TO GO OUTSIDE. EVEN LETTING NITRO OUT, WE’RE NERVOUS. WE’RE NERVOUS IN CASE SOMEONE COULD BE OUTSIDE WATCHING US. I KNOW THAT SEEMS REALLY IRRATIONAL. I MEAN, MORE THAN LIKELY NOBODY IS GOING TO BE OUT THERE. BUT BEING BLIND, ITS HARD, WE CANT SEE TO SEE SOMEONE IF THEY ARE.
I GUESS I AM JUST VERY SPOOKED, AND SCARED. WE’RE ONLY GETTING 3 HOURS OF SLEEP AT A TIME. WE’RE CONSTANTLY ON HIGH ALERT. ITS HORRIBLE AND AN AWFUL WAY TO SURVIVE AND LIVE. I WISH IT WASNT THIS WAY. BUT I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CHANGE THINGS.
I’M JUST HOPING WHEN WE SEE EILEEN TODAY THAT WE CAN TALK TO HER. I PLAN ON TALKING TO HER ABOUT ALL OF IT. IF ANYONE CAN HELP, SHE CAN. I’M SURE OF IT. SHE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE FAITH IN HER.
I love having a great sense of humour!
It really makes a huge difference to my day!
Our little, darina, whose six, loves to joke around and tell jokes. She’s constantly laughing and its so nice to see her smile.
The kids in my system have so much to deal with, that when they are able to smile and laugh, it makes me happy.
So heres one of her latest jokes!
Why did tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!
I told you, funny stuff, Darina just loves to tell that joke!
Have an awesome day and enjoy whats left of Monday!
From Carol anne and all of the alters!
Daily Prompt – JusJoJan the 20th, 2020
With shaking hands
and a pounding heart
I link your arm
you guide me in to your office
we sit down
and start to talk
I’ve never met you before
but you tell me there is no pressure to talk to you
that I should only
tell you what I feel comfortable to talk about
you are honest with me
telling me you don’t know much about did
I appreciate the honesty
it helps me feel safe
I begin to open up
Trusting that you can help
You will know what to do
With much trepidation
I tentatively start to talk
And before I know it
I’ve said so much
But your so easy to talk to
You’ll make a fine doctor
You have what it takes
Thank you for making me
Feel so comforted and at ease today
ITS LIZ HERE. WE DIDNT MENTION IT HERE BUT…
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, ONE OF OUR MAIN ABUSERS, CONTACTED US VIA PHONE, AND EMAIL. THEY TRIGGERED RUBY AND SASSY, WHO IN TURN WROTE EILEEN, VERY UPSET. THEY WERE VERY DISTRESSED. AND VERY TRIGGERED.
THEY ARE ONLY 13, BOTH OF THEM ARE 13. WE SPENT THURSDAY NIGHT IN AGONY, IN SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND IN A HIGHLY TRIGGERED STATE.
SO ON FRIDAY WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS PLACE. WE WERE GOING THERE ANYWAY, BUT THE FACT THAT THIS HAPPENED, MADE US WANT TO GET OUT OF OUR OWN HOUSE, AND GO TO OUR PARENTS TO BE SAFE. WE JUST WANTED TO FEEL SAFE.
WE HAVENT HAD ANY MORE CONTACT, SINCE WE GOT BACK HOME. THANK FUCK! I WAS SO SCARED TO COME BACK HOME! I AM AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS, AS YOU WOULD BE. I MEAN, THEY DID AWFUL THINGS TO US, AND I AM AFRAID OF THEM.
TOMORROW WELL TODAY NOW AS ITS ALREADY MONDAY MORNING HERE, WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY. I AM PLANNING ON SPEAKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. I AM PLANNING ON ASKING HER FOR SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AS OUR MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD LATELY. THE ANXIETY HAS BEEN SUPER BAD, AND THIS LATEST INCIDENT OF CONTACT FROM AN ABUSER HASNT HELPED IT.
I AM GOING TO ASK HER IF SHE’LL EITHER PUT SUPPORT IN FROM THE WEEKEND TEAM, OR FROM OUR CPN SARAH. THE WEEKEND TEAM ARE A MENTAL HEALTH TEAM WHO CONTACT YOU OVER THE WEEKEND, THEY’LL CALL TO YOUR HOUSE, TO SUPPORT YOU. THEY CAN ALSO GIVE SUPPORT OVER THE PHONE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS GOING TO GET TOUGH. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH IN ILL HEALTH. MOM HAS COPD, AND MY DAD HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS, BRITTLE BONES, ARTERITIS, AND HE CAN BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE AROUND AT TIMES.
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY HOME SOME WEEKENDS, AND NOT GO TO THEIR HOUSE.
I STILL WANT TO DO THAT. BUT I CANT HAVE ALTERS BEING TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CALLING, AND MAYBE EVEN SHOWING UP AT OUR DOOR. THE LITTLES WOULD OPEN IT WITHOUT HESITATION, THANK GOD EILEEN IS WORKING WITH THEM ON NOT DOING THAT.
BUT IF THE WEEKEND TEAM GAVE US SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AT LEAST WE’D HAVE THEM CALLING AND CHECKING IN ON US. WHICH WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.
I’M PRETTY SURE DR. BARRY WILL APPROVE THAT SUPPORT. SHE KNOWS WE WOULDNT ASK UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT, OR WE WERE DESPERATE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TODAY. WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOMS ILLNESS, ABOUT APPLYING FOR MORE PA HOURS, AND ABOUT THIS MOST RECENT CONTACT, ABOUT OUR SLEEP, EMOTIONAL STATE, ETC.
I FIND MYSELF JUMPING AT EVERY SOUND. I AM LISTENING OUT FOR UNKNOWN SOUNDS. WHEN I HEAR ANY UNFAMILIAR SOUND, I AM STARTING TO SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY. I AM SO FEARFUL. ITS NO WAY TO BE OR LIVE.
SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT!
I’LL LET YA’LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON WHEN WE SEE DR. BARRY!
I’ve been having a mental health day today. I am at my parents house, and I did absolutely nothing today.
I got up late, 9 AM which is late for me. I slept really well last night, I always do though when I am at my parents. Well mostly I do.
I just relaxed, read a book, watched some tv, and chatted with my mom.
I ate leftovers for dinner, I had cooked a shepherds pie yesterday, a slimming world friendly one. I had leftovers of that today, and I have some which I’ll have during the week also.
I’m enjoying a coffee now, and catching up on blogs. Yay for a happy day. I love those.