HARD SESSION TODAY

TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

I’M JUST SAD

I FEEL SAD DONT KNOW WHATS UP WITH ME TONIGHT I JUST FEEL BAD TONIGHT FEEL INSECURE AND DEPRESSED SAD AND ALONE NUMB AND EMOTIONAL ALL AT ONCE IT SUCKS I HATE IT I WISH I COULD TURN OFF MY FEELINGS I WOULD REALLY LOVE IT IF I COULD DO THAT BUT I CANT I JUST HAVE TO GRIN AND BEAR IT I GUESS I WISH WE COULD TALK TO JESS THATS CAROL ANNES PARTNER I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE IS SHE IS STILL IN RESIDENTIAL IN A FACILITY BUT SHE HAS HER PHONE TURNED OFF AND WE TRIED RINGING THE PATIENT PHONE BUT NOBODYS ANSWERING IT SO WE HAVENT TALKED TO HER IN A FEW MONTHS AND WE MISS HER IN FACT I MISS HER WHOLE SYSTEM SHES MULTIPLE TOO ANYWAY OH WELL WHAT DO YOU DO NOTHING I GUESS BETTER GO TAKE MY MEDS NOW
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

TALKING IN THERAPY ABOUT TIME LOSS

THERAPY TODAY WAS HARD. WE WERE TALKING A LOT ABOUT TIME LOSS And US LOSING TIME.
WE SEEM TO BE LOSING QUITE A LOT OF TIME. THIS IS BECAUSE SOME INSIDERS WHO HAVENT BEEN OUT IN YEARS ARE NOW STARTING TO COME OUT MORE.
THEN WHEN THAT HAPPENS WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND IT IS VERY DISCONCERTING.
EILEEN TALKED TO A FEW OF THEM ABOUT THE REASONS WHY THEY ARE STARTING TO COME OUT NOW.
IT EMERGED THAT SOME OF THEM ARE BEING TRIGGERED OUT AND IN MAY WERE TRIGGERED BY CONTACT FROM A PAST ABUSER. BUT ITS NOT ALL ABOUT CONTACT FROM PAST ABUSERS. WHILE THAT WAS WHAT STARTED IT IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE FACT THAT WE’RE NOW LOOKING MORE INDEPTHLY AT THINGS IN THERAPY IS SCARING SOME OF THEM.
THEY ARE AFRAID OF THERAPY. AFRAID OF TRUSTING EILEEN. AFRAID TO BUILD UP A BOND WITH HER. AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PAST. AFRAID OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEM IF THEY DO.
THANK GOD EILEEN WAS ABLE TO REASSURE THEM. SHE DID A TERRIFIC JOB OF DOING THAT. I DONT KNOW WHERE WE’D BE WITHOUT HER HELP.
SHE ASKED ME TO HELP THEM BY SHOWING THEM OUR LIFE NOW, SHOWING THEM THINGS THAT WE ARE DOING IN THE PRESENT, AND HELPING THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE FREE, AND THIS IS 2018. SO I SAID I WOULD.
AND I HAVE BEEN DOING IT. WE’RE GOING TO WORK OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS WITH SOME OF THESE TRIGGERED INSIDERS.
EILEEN SAID WE NEED TO HELP THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE SAFE NOW. THAT THEY DONT NEED TO COME OUT UNAWARES TO EVERYONE ELSE AND DO THINGS WHILE OUT THAT MIGHT PUT US IN DANGER.
SHE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THE REALITY IS THAT WE ARE SHARING A BODY, AND IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US WHEN ONE OF THEM IS OUT AND DOING DANGEROUS THINGS, THEN WE ALL COULD END UP DEAD. THAT SHOCKED THEM. I DONT THINK THEY WERE EXPECTING THAT BIT OF INFO. BUT ITS GOOD SHE TOLD THEM I THINK.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION TODAY BUT VERY HARD. SOME OF THE INSIDERS WHO TALKED TO HER MIGHT WRITE LATER ABOUT IT. THEY JUST ARE NOT SURE RIGHT NOW, THEY DONT KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE AND ARE QUITE TRIGGERED AND SCARED TO OPEN UP TO ANYONE.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

me taylor

it 10 clock
i cant sleep
i posed ta be in bed
but im fraid
that purson who bang on ar door
thay skard me
i not likin when peple bang tha door
i tryin no be skard
i lisend to tha book eileen read to us yeserday
i lik hearin her voise
it mak me fel safe
i tryin memorise the book
i woner cuz nitro bark
if it meant danger
he never barks ever
or very litle anyway
it a scary thing that peple come at night
it was afer 8 pm wen thay knocked
is anyone up and abl to tok?
taytay

pet farm

it taylor
i hapy cuz kno why
we going to a pet farm
proly tomoro
but i cant wait
i jus lov tha aminals
specialy tha goats
and i want pet them
i think thay so funny
i going to get some pictures
of me petting them
it wil be sooo much fun
we ar havin a great vaction
my favorit things that we did were bolling
and the horse and cart ride
and the pet farm wil be my othir favorit
hugs
taylor six

FROM LIZ STILL STRUGGLING

IM STILL STRUGGLING THINGS HAVENT CHANGED FOR ME SIGH I DONNO WHEN OR IF THEY WILL IT JUST SUCKS TO BE STRUGGLING SOOOO MUCH
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I EVER DID TO DESERVE THIS SIGH
LIZ