it me darina and i hapy
i hapy cuz i got to hav lots nummy food las nit
lots of turkee and ham
that wat we always hav to eat on crismas
did yu merican peple kno dat bout europeans
thay eat turkey well UK and ireland do
not sure bout everywher else
but las nit at the partee
we had turkey and ham
mash tato vegebles and gravy
stufing and roast potato
and thay even served fries on the side
hahaha that was funy
i like fries
i ate a buncha them
then for dessert we had crismas puding
wif cream and it was nise
i was so full i thot i wuld burst
i like food ha
i lik to tast all the yummy food wen we go ote
wat yu eat for crismas diner guys
so yesterday friday we had our did reassessment with the did specialists from the pottergate centre for trauma and dissociation in the UK. it went great. it was not really a reassessment as such but a sort of chat meeting to discuss ways that dr. barry and eileen could help us going forward.
the specialist remy decided that he is going to make a report and then he will sent it on to all 3 of us me, dr. barry and eileen to get our in put, befroe making any recommendations. he said it would be a partnership. i like that idea.
so i got there early yesterday. i was first there. eileen came a little while after i did and we sat together chatting in the waiting room.
then dr. barry and remy came up and remy introduced himself to us. he said he remembered us well which triggered liz because the last time he was here liz was a real bitch to him and so when he said he remembered us very well she was like oh no he remembers me and that sorta triggered her but eileen was able to reassure her.
dr. barry spoke to remy by herself first. he wanted to get a catch up as to how things are now. and have been for the past few years since dr. barry took over our treatment.
then eileen went and spoke with him and dr. barry while we waited in the waiting room. after that eileen came to get us and we went and had an hour and a half long meeting with remy.
that went really well. we talked about the system being active by night, the kids not sleeping, and being up late switching by night etc. remy said its important to allow insiders to have time in the evenings, so that their not active in the middle of the night because they’ve had no time by day that day.
he asked me if we are able to write in a diary, a physical diary, to which i said no, but that we do email one another, and leave each other notes via email.
he said thats a good idea and encouraged us to continue to do that.
we talked about meds and how taking them and complying is hard for us, some of us want to take them, others dont, and in the talking about it it came out that drugs were used during our abuse in other words we were drugged, and so that is why now for us it is hard to be in that position again, and taking some meds reminds certain insiders of being drugged.
dr. barry said that she felt some insiders try to sabbotage thinge things because they are afraid to get well. this upset emily a lot.
eileen said she felt she needed to work more with emily, since emily is the centre of our system, and holds a lot of info regarding other insiders, memories, etc.
so yeah. overall it was good. we got to discuss a lot. and it went well. and we are happy with how it all went.
sorry i went quiet over the past few days. things have been crazy here. first on friday i had my did reassessment. i’ll write about that separately because i have a bit to say about it. then last night i went to a xmas party with my family. we went to see a michael buble tribute band and there was also a four course meal. it was great. i did not get home until 4 AM and spent most of today in bed recovering lol. i did not drink, but the night was exhausting. between eating, dancing, waiting for taxi’s home, yeah it was just full on. then when i did eventually get to bed i couldnt sleep for ages. eventually i did fall asleep and slept well had a few weird dreams though. overall i enjoyed the night out though as i hadnt been out in a while. alls good here though. thank you to those of you that emailed me privately to see how i was doing and check on me. i appreciate it very much. it means a lot to know people care when i dont write and they care enough to check and see how we are doing. so thanks guys.
I’M A HOT MESS TONIGHT. OH YES I AM. TRYING TO HELP LIZ RUN THINGS IN OUR SYSTEM, WELL ITS HER SYSTEM NOT MINE BUT I AM HELPING HER OUT SHE IS STRESSING OUT. REPORTER ALTERS ARE AROUND AND THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE CHAOS. ZOE AND ALANNA BOTH ARE WORKING IN THERAPY WITH EILEEN NOW AND THAT HAS STIRRED UP OTHERS AND THEY ARE WREAKING HAVOC. ITS A NIGHTMARE. WE’RE JUST A CRAZY HOT MESS. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST. THESE ALTERS NEED NEW JOBS. CONTACTING OUR ABUSERS FROM THE PAST BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS THEIR JOB, THATS JUST NUTS.
so therapy yesterday was intense. we were so anxious going in. mosty due to friday. it was awful. insiders were panicked and we were dissociated. but eileen was great, as always. she layed so many of our anxieties to rest. she said that she did not believe that the did experts would look to take any of our support away. that they are simply coming in with another pair of eyes, looking at where things are at for us now 7 years on after initial diagnosis. that she feels we are not anywhere near ready to slow therapy down or go less often. that we have a long long way to go and that we havent really even started on the processing of memories yet, but that she felt as a system we were becoming more cohesive, and opening up more to her as time went on. she told me that the doctor who initially diagnosed me, Paul Miller, he’s a psychiatrist specialising in EMDR in northern ireland, well he is her supervisor and supervises her trauma and EMDR work, so that is good, because he already knows us and so he has a good idea of how things are for us system wise, and I felt better knowing that he was supervising eileen. she thought I’d be mad that she hadnt told me this sooner. but of course I wasnt. she told me that the funders who fund my therapy had reassured her that they would not be pulling our sessions and that this assessment was just basically to see where things were at, a sort of review. i told her about a conversation we had with dr. barry last week. basically dr. barry told me she has a list of questions to ask Remy on friday, she wants to talk to him about our attachment issues, and about how best to go about helping us to move forward because right now she feels she and us are stuck in a loop. she feels we arent secure in the attachment with us and that if we dont see her for a week or if she goes on vacation we panic and we think she is never coming back. this is true, we do. but i do think we are somewhat secure in our attachment to her. she told us of her anxieties around spacing out our apts to bi weekly, that she is afraid to do that in case we will destabilise and she doesnt want to set us back. however i told eileen yesterday i feel ready to go bi weekly now, i feel this is a good thing. its the kids, the kids dont want to, they see it as dr barry leaving them, or abandoning them. its hard for them, confusing, they see both eileen and dr. barry in similar roles, and eileen said yesterday that she feels spacing out our dr. barry apts will be a good thing because the roles wont be so blurred. she said that she feels psychiatry and therapy are similar but very different at the same time. psychiatry is about managing symptoms and meds, where as therapy and the work we are doing with her is about healing the past. i agree. she said that the kids are seeing both her and dr. barry as mom figures, when there really can only be one mother figure because otherwise it gets muddy and merky. i also agree with this. she said sometimes we need different people in different ways, and different relationships can bring us different things and get different needs met for us. it was a very good session.i felt so much better after it. i feel less worried about friday now. i feel more at ease. i am going into it with a new outlook.
we are having a bit of an unsettled night tonight.
i think it is due to having therapy tomorrow morning and knowing there is a lot to talk about.
we are having the did experts from the pottergate centre in the UK come over this friday and do a reassessment. Its a big deal for all of us.
its been 7 years since they saw us and a lot has happened in that time. mostly positive stuff.
lots has changed for us.
I guess we are afraid in part that they’ll say we are now too stable for ongoing support on a regular basis. we do not want to lose our support system.
if anything in order for us to remain stable we need to keep it within reach.
i am however ok if they say we can go a little longer than a week without seeing dr. barry. I think I’m ready to space out those apts a little bit, even to fortnightly apts.
I guess we’ll see what happens.
nitro and me started learning a new route this week. we are learning how to go from the centre where the independent living skills course is held, to the gym and to starbux, so its kinda two routes really, but we are doing the routes very slowly over a few weeks. on thursday his trainer Nathalie came out and she walked me as far as the bus stop, which is only about a 5 minute walk from the centre, we walked with nitro, bringing food along to give him incentive, and giving it to him once he’d found the bus stop and the seat I needed. we did the route there and back twice, and now i have to practice each day for the next two weeks, until Nathalie comes out again on the 11th. its nerve wracking for me doing the route. i’m just not used to public transport or walking on my own in public as i take taxi’s pretty much everywhere due to my high anxiety. so the fact i am doing this is a huge step. one i am very proud of.