Anxiety! Fuck! I’m so so anxious!
I’m shaking like a leaf! I have palpitations, and my heart is pounding!
this is no fun, no fun at all!
I am seriously fed up with the massive amounts of anxiety that hits me at night. But what to do! I do everything I can to distract from it!
I wish I knew how to fix it!
I feel so out of it right now! Not sleeping at all either! Its gone midnight here now!
I just hope the anxiety monster lets up soon!
So my public health nurse called me back. She wans to come out and meet me. She said she’d like to assess my needs.
I already have a file with them, as I’ve seen public health nurses in the past for various things. She provisionally booked me in for next wednesday, but she said she’d be in touch next week to arrange it and firm up dates.
I am so nervous. I will have to tell her my history, about my mental health, how I struggle so much with that. Its not just my blindness causing me problems. The mental illnesses are a far more complex part of my history and actually I would say they are more what I struggle with.
Although I will of course put down blindness also, as thats my primary disability. In order to get more PA hours, I have to say what I am going to use them for. She told me to think about what I need, why I need the hours, she gave me a few suggestions, like we can use them to batch cook, or for my PA to iron clothes, do laundry etc.
All of this relates to my blindness, but in regards to my did and ptsd and anxiety, we can also use hours for socialising, going places, getting out and about. The PA doesnt have to know all of my history, and probably wont be trained in anything to do with mental health anyway.
So between now and next week, I will think on somc ideas for what I will use my hours on, and I will write down some notes. Then I can use my laptop and read out to the nurse what I’ve written down.
I’m not sure how long its going to take to get extra hours, the place providing them are very slow, there’s lots of red tape, paperwork to go through when applying, and then it has to go before a bord. They’ve refused me in the past, saying I was too independent. I hope they dont do that again. Who says how independent a person is anyway, they dont know me at all.
I am hopeful, and hoping for the best outcome once I apply.
I’m so anxious. I cant breathe good. My chest hurts. My heart is pounding. I got really triggered. I was having flashbacks, which triggered me to have a panic attack.
I’m so scared. I dont know what to do. Its hard to breathe, I’m also shaking a lot.
Is anyone around to talk? If you are able to write me that will be good. I might feel better if I chat to someone, it might take my mind off the memories.
Right now I am just feeling so anxious. Its 1 AM now. I’m going to make some tea. Because, tea makes everything better.
Emily, age 12
One small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means you were put to the test and didn’t fall apart.
its 4:13 and I cant sleep. I went to bed just after midnight, but I woke up again at 2:30. I’ve been awake since then.
I’m going crazy. I am super anxious. Not sure what is causing it. Other than not going to therapy this morning, that is probably causing some of it, with kids inside feeling sad that we’re not going to see Eileen today.
I’ve made a cup of tea. I hope it helps.
WE ARENT GOING TO THERAPY TODAY. THERE IS A STORM COMING, AND WE’RE UNDER A WEATHER WARNING FROM 7 AM TODAY UNTIL LATE TONIGHT. SO WE DECIDED TO STAY HOME, ITS PROBABLY BEST THAT WE DO, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WINDS ARE MEANT TO BE HIGH, 130 KM PER HOUR AND THE RAIN IS MEANT TO BE VERY HEAVY ALSO. I TEXTED EILEEN, TOLD HER I WASNT ABLE TO MAKE IT INTO OUR SESSION, SHE WAS TOTALLY FINE WITH IT. WE ASKED HER IF SHE COULD POSSIBLY DO ANOTHER DAY NEXT WEEK INSTEAD OF MONDAY, AS WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY ON MONDAY, AND SHE OFFERED US TUESDAY AT 4:30. SO WE TOOK IT. SO WILL SEE HER THEN, SAD WE DONT GET TO SEE HER TODAY BUT NEED TO STAY SAFE, NEED TO STAY INDOORS…WE CAN EMAIL HER IF WE NEED TO…THAT WILL HAVE TO BE ENOUGH…
There is so much noise inside my head! Kids chatting, some are excited, some are crying, some are scared, some are just chatting to each other.
Its like a zoo in here!
The teen insiders are just as bad! Some are complaining about how unfair their life is, some are in the midst of trauma and stuck in their own pain and memories, some are in their rooms with their music blaring, some are writing their thoughts on paper.
And here we are me and liz and sienna and the other adults, trying to manage the unmanageable!
And it does feel really unmanageable tonight!
Its always like that the day of therapy and the day or two after it!
We had a really great session yesterday, which I will write more about in the coming days. But Shirley came out for part of it, and our eyes were opened. Also Liz talked to Eileen about her own feelings and I know that really helped her a lot.
We came home last night from slimming world, ate dinner, and simply crashed, but sleep didn’t come easily, every time that we tried to settle, the kids were crying, afraid of having nightmares, so they were afraid to go to sleep!
We finally slept a bit, but woke at 3 AM! Got up, showered, and now we’re ready for the day!
I just gotta get our zoo in order! 😀