We just arrived at our apartment in Killarney. It’s really lovely. We are just settling in now. Later we are going in to town to do a bit of shopping and have food. The weather is even cooperating. It’s 14 degrees c here now. We are here until Sunday. Tomorrow it’s Lauren’s birthday. We might go billing tomorrow if we have time. I’ll post more later tonight.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
Someone said that to me today. In response to me saying I felt unstable.
Seems a rather odd thing to say, but on reflection its so true. And that my friends is more than one line, but oh well. It is what it is.
I clutch at straws. I am fine, I tell myself. I will be fine.
Do I believe it? Hell no.
Emotionally I am unwell, unstable, very, very much so.
I clutch at straws in the hopes it will all be ok, and I will get through it. Really though? I am unsure.
But it helps to try to remember, I’ve gotten through this before. I have made it out the other side in the past. This too shall pass, that is going to be my new motto.
And just for today, I will be kind to myself. I will do some self care. I will work on remembering to breathe, I will smile and I will say to myself, I am a survivor.
Always keep fighting! ❤
ug i feel awful. i woke up after a nap feeling bla. head hurting. achy. pain and weakness. dizziness too. it is horrible. i drank some water to try to feel better. mom said i might be dehydrated. it helped. but i still feel yuck. and i feel teary and emotional and very overwhelmed too. my mood is still kinda low. i am just not feeling it tonight. i just feel sad, overwhelmed and it feels awful.
I decided to skip volunteering for today. I just dont feel up to helpping people today. I need a day at home. I need to just relax and rest and take things easy. I am feeling kind of off today. Mood is low sorta anyway. We’re having a lot of issues with after therapy effects. Some inside are scared about therapy. Not sure why. They just are feeling like its all too much.
I’m sure we’ll be ok though. I am watching the ellen show right now. I love ellen.
so an interesting session for me today with eileen. i hadnt been to therapy in ages. i mean we had, but i personally hadnt. and it ended up I didnt even have a whole lot of time, as Shirley was out and needed to talk. But I did have a few minutes at the start, and end of our session. And when I did, we were talking about did, Eileen asked me what I think did is? How would I explain it? That kinda threw me. Not many people ask me that. I said I thought did was many people sharing one body, then that led to her asking me if I know we’re all part of one whole person? I told her I did know we shared a body, but I didnt feel we were part of a whole person. There is no whole. There has never been. She said she understood how I felt. But that her idea was that we’re all parts, parts of a whole. And logically I know this, but well, I guess it doesnt come up to often, so I dont really think about it. I mean, I do know we share a body. I know there arent tons of different people, but I also know as parts, we are individuals, we are separate in that we all have our own feelings on things, ideas about things, etc. Eileen agreed with me on that. She said she realises that we all think about the world differently, express emotions and feelings in our own unique way. She said she is just gently telling me that we’re one being, one body, and parts of a whole. Man! That is a tough one to take. I am my own person, I want to be my own person, I hate that we share a body. Mostly I hate that. Mostly I want my own body. I just want to be me, but deep down I know I have to conform, I have to take the whole system into account when making decisions, i know this. I guess I am just ranting a little because I can, lol. It was just an interesting session to me. We havent actually talked much about did, about what it means and what it is and how we see it. Eileen said the reason she asked us was because the questionaire we did last week, the first question in it says, do you believe you have a diagnosis of did or a dissociative disorder, do you and all parts believe that to be true? We do believe it to be true. That isnt the issue here. But Eileen just wanted our opinion on what we as parts think did is and what it means to us to be did to have that disorder. It was just interesting to me. I have to now go away and reflect on it a little.
After a month or so without talking to her, we finally got to talk on skype. Well I called her. She’s ok, but she was having a lot of trouble with her words, I think it was due to her meds, she couldn’t quite say what she wanted to say to me, she was having a lot of trouble stringing sentences together.
For those who aren’t aware, my partner jess, lives in a psychiatric residential unit, she’s been there since 2015. I am so sad that she has to be there. She was meant to be going on a home visit this weekend but her mom got sick so she couldn’t go. She was quite upset about it when we talked.
She was delighted I called her though. It was so good to talk to her. I miss her so much. I think of her every day. I would anyway, but well she thought I didn’t. I told her I do. I wake up, and i think of her. I wonder how she is, what she’s doing etc.
I told her to go switch on her phone and we can text. Her phone wasn’t working for a while. It is now again though. So if she switches it on we can text and facetime using our phones. That will be good.
I’m happy now. I can go to bed happy tonight.