Clamming up…losing my words…

I have so much I wanna say. I cant. I am lost for words.

My chest is tight my stomach hurts.

I feel clammy, sick, sweaty.

I am losing my shit. I wanna talk but I cant. I need to. I just cant though.

Everything is wrong. So much going on. I just need someone to hear me. Hear what I am not saying…

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The book pimped

I’m reading a fantastic book at the moment, it’s called pimped and it’s by Samantha Owens. It’s a really really good read and I would highly recommend it.

It’s a non-fiction book, a memoir, a true life story.

The thing is this poor teenager had to go through our shocking, really shocking. But they are all to relate able to me some of them at least especially the sexual abuse. Since I was abused not in the same way but in a similar way. I mean I wasn’t pimped out to men, it wasn’t that sort of abuse, but I was raped and so I can relate to what she went through in that way.

If you’re not easily triggered, and you enjoy true stories, I would highly recommend this book to you.

It’s available on audible and probably in kindle format as well.

Shit mood

I feel so shitty right now. My mood is very bla. I feel very down. I am depressed. I just feel so awful. Its not cool. I am so done with this shit. I want to feel good!

I had a bath to see if that would help. It sorta did. I still feel crappy, though.

At least I am drinking a lot of water, and eating a lot of fruit, so I am being healthy atleast which feels good.

At least I am taking care of my body! Although I did have a very unhealthy lunch today, but I am pulling back now and being more mindful of what I put in my face.

I just wish this low mood would go away! I hate it!

At least I am remembering to take my meds!

I have remembered all week, win win to me!

I am trying my hardest, that will have to be enough! I cant do any more than that!


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I’ve been thinking

So I’ve been thinking. You remember I said I had an opportunity to do a training course in IT and then do a work placement? Well I’ve decided not to go ahead with it. Basically if I was to go ahead with it, I stand to lose my benefits, and I just cant risk that. I need my medical card, I have to continue seeing dr. Barry, I cant lose her and if I lost my medical card I’d lose her too. That just isn’t an option for me. Plus also, the work placement was only for six weeks, and there was no guarantee of employment at the end of it. I am volunteering right now, and the staff at my volunteer job are really good to me, dropping me and picking me up, and generally being very helpful. If I was to do the training and then go into a six week employment somewhere, I might get somewhere really far away and it would cost me a small fortune to get there every day as I am not confident enough to do the route to get to where it would be. So I think this is the best option for me. I texted the person organizing it and I just said something came up and I wouldn’t be able to commit to the training. I left it at that. I’m happy with my decision. It was a nice offer, but for now I dont think it fits my needs. Maybe in the future if things change I can do something like this if its offered again. Also, my depression and mental health issues are not great at the moment, and I wouldn’t want to start into something and then not be able to complete it. And really, losing dr. Barry was the deciding factor, there was never any way that would even be a possibility for me, I am far too attached to her and I need her to function and if I didn’t have her I’d be in a far worse position than I am in right now.

Happy pills

Well its time to go take my happy pills!
I am proud because I remembered! Well sorta!
Only after reading a blog post from someone where they mentioned taking their meds did I remember mine!
So not really on my own but oh well. I will go take them and hope they start helping soon.
Mom has been on to me about my eyes being closed, after I take the morning meds. She says its due to the meds. I am not so sure. I think most blind people go around with their eyes half shut most of the time. Do you agree?
Have you ever seen a blind person and their eyes are closed or almost closed when they are talking to you?
I dont think its anything to do with the meds! Maybe it is, but I have my doubts.
Anyway! Off to take the morning meds now!

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therapy, being present

TODAY IN THERAPY I GOT TO CHAT TO EILEEN AND WE TALKED ABOUT BEING PRESENT IN YOUR BODY. THATS SUPER HARD FOR US. WE DONT DO WELL WITH THAT AT ALL. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM, SO I COULD GROUND MYSELF AND ORIENTATE MYSELF TO HER OFFICE. USUALLY SHE GUIDES ME BUT TODAY SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND ON MY OWN. SHE TOLD ME TO TOUCH EVERYTHING, SO I DID. THAT WAS GOOD. COMFORTING. AND IT DID HELP TO ORIENTATE ME. I FELT SAFE. COMFORTED BY ALL OF THE THINGS IN HER OFFICE. WHEN I SAT BACK DOWN WE TALKED ABOUT MY BODY AND BECOMING AWARE OF IT. EVEN THOUGH WE’RE AN ADULT NOW, WE’RE NOT CONSCIOUSLY BODY AWARE. EILEEN SAID WE’RE AFRAID TO INHABIT OUR BODY. I THINK I AGREE. WE ARE SO AFRAID OF OUR BODY. SO I STOOD UP AGAIN AND WE DID A FEW EXERCISES WHERE SHE HAD ME NOTICE THE DIFFERENT MUSCLE ROUPS THAT ARE HOLDING UP MY LEGS, ARMS ETC. THAT WAS WEIRD. I MEAN I WAS ABLE TO DO IT, BUT IT JUST FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. IT WAS INTERESTING TO ME TO DO THIS. WE TALKED ABOUT MINDFULNESS AND SHE GAVE ME SOME HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEK. SHE TOLD ME TO TRY TO COME MORE INTO THE PRESENT, AND IF I FEEL MYSELF DISSOCIATING TO DO SOMETHING TO BRING MYSELF BACK TO THE PRESENT. EASIER SAID THAN DONE BUT I SAID I’D TRY IT. SO I WILL. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. THAT WASNT THE WHOLE SESSION BUT IF OTHERS WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PART I’LL LET THEM WRITE ABOUT IT SEPARATELY. I KINDA GOT PUSHED OUT OF THE WAY DURING THE SESSION BY TAYLOR THE LITTLE QUIRT. SHE JUST POPPED OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN AFTER WE DID THE BODYWORK. I THINK SHE FELT A LITTLE SPOOKED BY IT. I DIDNT MIND REALLY. SHE NEEDED EILEENS COMFORT JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.

Awake early!

Its 5 AM. I slept for a few hours, maybe 4. I woke up with a jolt. I still feel crappy. I am so glad I have therapy this morning. I really need it. I will be so happy to see my therapist, connect with her, she makes me feel so safe, she brings me such comfort. I am looking forward to our session.

I hope the day goes well. Right now my mood is still very low. I still feel depressed and very sad. I also feel quite emotional. I hope I can release some of it in therapy. I hope I dont get there and lose my shit, lose my words. That happens to me sometimes.

I guess we’ll see what happens. Send me good vibes if you can. I can use them.


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