this is allie. well if you wanna you can call me licia or lish or ali or just trouble. haha.
i am so sad. i need a hug from eileen.
i need her to wrap her arms aroumd me and then i will be able to feel safe. safe in her strong arms.
i love to listen to her heartbeat. it sounds so sootheing.
it makes me happy and i feel safe when i hear it.
i dont feel my age. i feel about 6, or maybe even 5. my 5 year old needs hugs from mommy.
she needs to feel loved and cared for.
she is hurting. sad. alone. in pain. feeling abandoned and rejected.
she needs her safe mommy, thats eileen.
its the middle of the night here though, so even if we emailed eileen she wont get it. she wont see it. she cant hear our pleas for help.
she is probably asleep and in bed and me emailing her would probably bother her.
so i didnt email.
i just feel so sad. not sure what to do Smile
feel so unsure…crying…lonely…missing eileen…
Smile someone give me some ideas because I am struggling here…
OMG I WANT TO RUN I WANT TO RUN AWAY FAR FAR AWAY I AM DONE I AM SOOO DONE I AM JUST SOOO DONE GUYS I CANT DO THIS IT HURTS I AM HAVING AWFUL FLASHBACKS THEY ARE SO INTENSE I AM TRYING EVERYTHING Sad smile NOTHINGS WORKING FUCKING HELL ANYWAYS Open-mouthed smile THIS SUCKS WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO SPINNING SWIRLING WHIRLING TWIRLING AROUND AND AROUND HEAD SPINNING DREAMS TURN TO NIGHTMARES ITS JUST FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY INTENSE Sad smile XX
I have made an email notification group, where I will be posting some more detailed updates about therapy, and other things to do with my life.
I’d love it if you’d join it.
Feel free to subscribe by sending a blank email to the following address
Looking forward to all of my readers joining me! 🙂
some of the blogs I follow, I can no longer read, I think by accident wp unfollowed them.
That really annoys me. Please guys, comment below with your blog link, I follow about 1000 blogs, I’d like to keep following all of you but I cant remember half of the people I am following.
Please let me know what your blog link is and if you are still recieving posts from my blog.
yesterday we had our second session with our cpn sarah. it went really well.
we are rgetting along really well with her. she’s a great listener. plus she gives awesome advice too!
we talked about our mental wellbeing yesterday. i told her we hadnt been sleeping too good. and how our emotions were all over the shop, and we’d been dissociating quite badly yesterday morning before seeing her.
she helped me make a plan for the weekend. it involved self care, getting some rest, and doing things that I am interested in and that make me happy.
she urged me not to do anything that i found hard or stressful, or that I wasnt interested in. I am to only do things that make me happy. I think I can manage that!
We planned some self care things I can do, including visiting my friend norma today, reading a book in bed and having a lie in each morning, relaxing in a bubble bath, and watching x factor.
We talked a little about how I’d been missing eileen and dr. barry a lot this week. Sarah wasnt aware of the level of attachment we have with both of them. I am not sure she fully understood it when I told her. She tried though which is the main thing.
We have made another appointment for the 10th of October. She told me not to be too hard on myself because even though I feel bad mentally right now, I am coping very well with things. I told her I have a habit of catastrophising, she said its quite normal for us to think the worst, even when some things are going well for us. I’m glad she understood, I felt bad for being so negative.
i slept well woke up at 6. decided to get in the shower. no one here gets up until 7, then staff help residents who need help in the shower. so anyway. got in the shower and took my shower. thought i was really doing great and being all bright eyed and bushy tailed. got out of the shower and oh. my. god. the floor was soaking. i mean puddles of water everywhere. i quick got a towel and tried to soak up some of the water, it didnt really work. so then i had no choice but to ring the bell so that a staff member would come in so i could tell them. the nurse annette came in needless to say she was none too happy when she saw the mess. she was like its only 6:20 AM, what are you doing up at that time? i told her i just woke up early so decided to get up. she had to put sheets down, then she mopped the floor. i felt so bad having to have staff come in. after her initial grumpiness though she was ok. i told her i hadnt had this problem yesterday and she said she’d get the maintenance man to look at it later this morning.
she said it was pouring outside and looking like it would be down for the day. if thats the case i’ll stay indoors today. i was going to go to the basement club but i’m not going if it means i’ll be soaked to the skin. i can wait until tomorrow.
I’m glad I slept well though. I’m thinking about getting a mood tracker ap. Does anyone know of any good ones? I’ve never tried one before. But it sounds like it might be good if I did.
Let me know what ones you use. I dreamt about Jess and her system last night. I dreamt I was visiting them in the US. It doesnt surprise me since I went to sleep thinking of them all. And crying, I went to sleep crying because I miss them so much.
We used to have such fun times when I’d visit. Me and Jess our sense of humour is similar, and we were always teasing one another. I love that she’s multi and just gets me too, there is also that. A friend just reminded me of a youtube video we’d made, where jess was making fun of me because I said I took out a 50 dollar note, instead of a 50 dollar bill. She was like that, always teasing me about the differences in terms I used.
I have a youtube channel with some videos on it that we made, some years ago, if anyones interested in watching them. My favourite is one where we were in a huge rain storm. We were sitting in the car and it was pouring rain and thundering, and I was like I am so scared, and jess was like she’s scared of the lightning, and she cant even see it! Another person would get offended but not me, I knew she was only teasing me.
The next thing I knew she spilled her hot coffee all down my arm! And she was like would you look at that! We have made some awesome videos.
If you wanna see them let me know because they are on a separate youtube channel.
ONE REASON I PRIVATISED THE BLOG WAS BECAUSE A PAST ABUSER FOUND US AND STARTED FOLLOWING US. I TRIED TO ASK THE PEOPLE AT WORDPRESS IF I CAN REMOVE THEM BUT I GOT NO RESPONSE. I THINK YOU CANT REMOVE A FOLLOWER, I THINK SOMEONE AT WORDPRESS HAS TO DO IT FOR YOU. SO YEAH THAT WASNT GOOD.
THEN WE GOT SOME REALLY NEGATIVE COMMENTS. PEOPLE COMMENTING THAT JUST DID NOT UNDERSTAND MULTIPLICITY OR PARTS. IT WAS REALLY UPSETTING.
THEN WE HAD SOME PEOPLE SPEWING RELIGION AND I DIDNT LIKE THAT. I’M NOT IN THE LEAST BIT RELIGIOUS. YES I PRAY AND STUFF BUT I DONT GO TO CHURCH AND I DONT REALLY BELIEVE IN A GOD, I’M NOT SURE WHO I BELIEVE IN OR WHAT I BELIEVE IN REALLY.
ANYWAY. I DECIDED IN ORDER TO KEEP US SAFE I NEEDED TO TAKE ACTION. CAROL ANNE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE TOO MUCH WORK TO PRIVATISE THE BLOG AND THEN TRY TO RE ADD ALL OF OUR FRIENDS. I REMEMBERED THAT MOST OF YOU WERE ALREADY RE ADDED FROM WHEN WE PRIVATISED THINGS A LITTLE WHILE BACK.
SO IT WAS PRETTY EASY REALLY.
AND I’M HAPPY WITH OUR DECISION. AND MY BLOG FRIEND MTO IS RIGHT. I NEED TO STAND FIRM. I NEED TO BE FIRM ABOUT THIS DECISION. AND I AM. AND I WILL NOT BACK DOWN I WILL KEEP US SAFE. WE DESERVE THAT.