word of the day challenge: cruel

you stole my innocence
You stole my childhood
you were so vile, so cruel
you didn’t care how it made me feel
you didn’t care what you did to me
you just did what you wanted
you were a psychopath
someone who doesn’t feel any remorse
and I
I was just a little girl
I didn’t have a choice
I had to do your bidding
I didn’t get a say
How cruel is that

Cruel – Word of the Day Challenge

Therapys resuming on monday yay!

Eileen is home! She rang me this morning! She’s finally home! Yay! I am sooo thrilled!
We’re having a session on Monday at 10! I am delighted! Its so good to have her home!
She only got home at the end of this week! Things can go back to normal now yay!
Normal service can resume!
This good news has made my weekend! 😀
I am on cloud 9 to have her back home!

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Looking after my mental wellbeing

I am feeling unstable at the moment, very much so, so in order to look after me, and my mental wellbeing, I will do some stuff to try to break out of the func I am currently in!
The first thing I will do is write a post answering laura of laura venturini’s weekly song challenge! Thanks for tagging me Laura!
After that, I will go make a cup of tea, because I am not able to sleep, and hot tea soothes me. And it soothes my alters, so tea it is!
Then, I might have a snuggle with nitro, if I can get him to wake up! He always makes me feel better. I am sure he wont object if I want to pet him and snuggle him! He loves pets and scratches!
After that, I think I’ll read a chapter or two of my book. Maybe have a shower, maybe put on some nice smelling lotion, I have my lovely rose scented one, that always reminds me of my therapist eileen, who I miss a lot right now!
I will be ok! I am not giving up or giving in to the darkness or dark emotions and thoughts!I can beat them! I got this! I can do it!
I am strong! I am courageous! I am a fighter!


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Fowc with fandango:Inconspicuous

Welcome to fowc, with fandango! To participate in todays prompt, check out fandangos post here!

Todays word is inconspicuous!

she sat
very inconspicuous
people watching
she watched everyone
but she herself
was inconspicuous
nobody took notice of her
she wondered
not for the first time that day
if they were just too wrapped up
in their own lives
and day
or if she really
was not attracting attention
was she invisible?
she certainly felt as if she was
her mind began to drift
she began to dissociate
float away
she looked at the clouds above
wouldnt it be nice she thought
to just float away
float away on a cloud
and with that
she closed her eyes
and fell into a hazy dream like state
she awoke some time later
not knowing the time, or day
where was she?
then she remembered
she was sat on this park bench
A lot of hours had passed
Was she dissociating or sleeping all this time?
she didnt know
But it had been fun

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Fowc:so many layers

When you have did, there are so many layers at least for us there are anyway, I think its pretty similar for most did folk. We have tons of alters, because we are a polyfrggmented system. That means, there are more than a hundeed alters. The way our system works, there are sub systems, in the main system. So there is the outer layer, and then more inner layers.  then there are also some alters who have insiders of their own, so they have their own alters inside of themselves. I know its confusing, it is for us too.  We’re still getting to know Emilys insiders, she’s been working hard with Eileen in therapy, she knows them, but the rest of us we don’t know a whole lot about them. She keeps them very protected, and they in turn protect her.  Sometimes Emilys insiders will pretend to be Emily, so that we don’t know its actually one of them whose out. Did is a complicated thing.  Then in our system there are darks, and lights, the darks have been subjected to a lot of abuse, some of the lights have too, but mainly, the lights are out to help, protect the body, they are cooperative, they are helpful, they want to do good all of the time. The darks on the other hand, they are destructive, non cooperative, and they don’t want to help the system, but now some of ours are changing, they’ve been doing a lot of hard work in therapy, and I applaud that. They’ve been so courageous, discussing their memories, changing roles, getting new roles etc. Having did is definitely a roller coaster ride. I wouldn’t change it though. Not for anything. I guess I am just so used to it now.


FOWC with Fandango — Layer



Everything feels so surreal

I’m in a little bit of a dissociative bubble right now.  Everything feels surreal. I don’t really feel ok. I had my PA here a while ago, and we walked nitro. That was nice, although I dissociated a lot on our walk.  I tried hard to conversate with my PA to stop the dissociation. I feel as if I am floating.  I don’t really feel real.  My body feels foreign.  Its just a really surreal feeling.  When I came home from my walk with nitro, I had to lie down for a while.  I even slept for an hour. Bad move I know as now I wont sleep tonight.  But I was exhausted and the more I tried to keep my eyes open the more tired I became.  I’m also still feeling really anxious.  Its a horrible feeling of dread, mixed with crippling fear and a little agitation and worry also.  I hate anxiety.  I’m just so ready for the anxiety to go away now.  Any time now, please, anxiety.  I’m done with you.  I’m planning on staying home tomorrow.  I was meant to have a mentoring apt. But I am going to cancel it.  I feel like I need the day off.  I need to be able to just relax, and breathe.  I’m still worrying a lot about Eileen, come home. I know that’s selfish of me, but I miss her so much.  I hope she’ll be home soon.  We’re really struggling without her here.  Tomorrow our CPN Alison whose covering this week for sarah, will call us.  I’m also anxious about that.  I know her, but I don’t know her really well.  It will be hard to talk to her and tell her how I’m doing. I will do it though.  I said I try. So I will.  I’m just an anxious mess at the moment.  The quicker the surreal feeling of floatiness leaves the better.


FOWC with Fandango — Surreal

A surprise phone call

A weird thing happened today. I was napping and my phone rang. It was my landline, that is unusual, most people phone my mobile.

I answered it, and a lady from the organisation that funds my therapy was on the line. She told me she was phoning me to check in.

Eileen had to tell them that we hadn’t been doing any therapy for a few weeks because of her being stuck in spain. So they were ringing me to make sure I was ok, and that I wasn’t struggling.

I got a big surprise as I wasn’t expecting that. She told me that they have a helpline I can ring if I am struggling and need extra support. I knew about their helpline but I never thought to call it.

Its good to know I have that option. I am glad to know its there.

We talked for about 15 minutes. Just about everyday things, like the weather, tv, dogs, not serious things. I felt much better after our chat. The ladys name was margo. She was extremely nice.

She said she’d phone again next week, and she’d continue to phone until I started back to therapy with Eileen.