it me taylor. and gess wat? i taked us to therapy this week. i was out wen we goted ther. im not usuly loud to be ote, but it wasnt my fault cuz tha bigs were all not able to front, thay was feelin icky and depresed and sad. so i came ote in the midle of the nite, and me and emily stayed up and got us dressed and emily came ote in the taxi cuz she can sorta act lik a gron up but then wen we goted to eileens ofise i came ote and wen eileen came in she got a suprise! she said i did good to get us ther in one piece! but she said i needed to let her try to talk to the adults and go inside and rest. so i did. and she was able to get liz and that was ok then cuz liz can take care of us. i was glad cuz it fils betr wen liz is out or carol anne. they can take care of fings then. but i did a good job and i was hapy she thot so too!
so the last couple of days have been sort of ok i guess.
i am still depressed but trying to manage it as best as i can.
eileen says now that our dissociative walls are coming down a little more, that things effect us more, for example pixie’s low mood lately is now effecting both me and liz.
i think she’s right. i hadnt thought of that though.
i’ve had the week off from the ILS course. but i sorta wish i didnt. i’d have prefered to be busy. it keeps my mind from wandering into awful places.
yesterday was therapy day. therapy was very intense. but good. we mostly talked about our mood, and we decided for now we are going to back up a little and not work on memories so much because they were starting to overwhelm us.
we stayed in our mom and dads house last night. we went there yesterday after therapy and spent the day there and had dinner with them and then decided last night to spend the night.
other than that its been a pretty quiet few days.
saw dr. barry this morning. it went well.
we talked about the depression and low mood.
she said she thinks something is triggering it, perhaps something that happened during the did reassessment.
i said i wasnt sure but maybe that could be it.
i told her that i am managing it for now. i didnt want to go in to the hospital. i want to try to get through it on my own, in the community.
she agreed with me. she said to keep doing the things i am doing that help me cope with it.
i said blogging had really helped me lately. that everyone on my blog had been so supportive. and so helpful with their lovely comments.
we also talked some about therapy and about insiders who havent worked with eileen before now starting to trust her and work with her. she congradulated us on that.
it was a very good appointment. i was happy to get her perspective on things.
well i know i said earlier i was gonna stay up. but in the end i didnt. i went back to bed. my head started hurting and i was really triggered with not being able to breathe. i stayed up for like an hour or so and then i figured i’d make an attempt to try to go back to sleep again. and it worked. well when i say it worked i tossed and turned and my phone kept blinging with notifications but i did sleep. then at 5 AM my friend rose texted me, and then rang me. she’s in a little bit of a crisis at the moment. she has bpd and anxiety and depression, amixture of all 3. she needed someone to talk to. i didnt really mind as i was just lying there awake anyway so its not like she woke me up. we talked for an hour. i hope it helped her. now i’ve just made coffee and got dressed even though its only 6 AM. at least my nose is clear right now, its not all plugged up. i hope it stays that way for a while. i have some time before breakfast as breakfast isnt until 8 AM. I will just go online and then at 7 let nitro out and feed him and stuff. i hope you’ve all had a pretty good evening and night, and if its still night for you I hope your trying to sleep.
4 AM. And I am wide awake. I finally tried to go to sleep at around 2 AM, so barely got 2 hours of sleep. This is just not good! even when I was asleep, I tossed and turned, couldnt get comfy. What a sucky night this is turning out to be! I might as well stay up now…no point in laying there thinking, is there?
the pain i feel is raw. my eyes burn. my breath comes quick and fast. i choke on sobs. i wipe away tears.
I try to remember, it was just a dream. I am ok.
but am I?
Everything feels so surreal. I feel off. Everything around me doesnt feel real.
I think I’m going to die.
YOU LOOK ME OVER
I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING
I KNOW WHAT YOU’LL DO NEXT
YOU INSTRUCT ME
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
SCARED AND FRIGHTENED
ALONE AND WITH NO ONE TO HELP ME
I SHUDDER AGAIN
WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END
I DO WHATYOU SAY
BECAUSE ITS JUST EASIER THAT WAY
WANT TO END IT
WANT TO QUIT
YOU DO THE DEED
THE PAIN, I FEEL
THEN YOU LEAVE
AND I START TO HEAVE
I CANT BEAR
TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST DID
OR THAT I’M JUST A KID