It is 4:30 AM. I cant sleep. I’ve been up since around 2:30.

I am frustrated. I went to bed around 8 last night. I wen to bed early as I’d been up since 4 AM. It took me ages to fall asleep. Eventually I did, but then I kept waking. I kept tossing and turning.

Now I am up again. I am very dehydrated so am drinking a lot of water. I also was hungry so I ate some fruit.

I am supposed to go out with mom this morning. We’re going in to see about my computer. I am getting a new MacBook pro. We have to bring the cheque in to the store. Then it has to clear before I can get the computer and bring it home. So provided the weather isn’t too bad, we’ll go in today and talk to them at the apple store.

I dont have any other plans for my Saturday. I am just going to do this and then chill out for the rest of today at my parents house. I am kinda worried. I think I’ve put on more weight. I doubt I’ve lost any. I’ve been pretty bad and eating a lot of junk. I haven’t been too mindful of my diet lately. I don’t want to undo all my hard work but I think this week I have put up some weight. Oh well. It is what it is I guess. I just have to try not to put up too much weight over the Christmas.

Ok am off to read some more blogs. Talk soon guys!

Early night last night and what I am doing on this Friday!

So I went to bed super early last night. Like at 8:30. Thats unheard of for me!
I couldnt go to sleep for ages. But eventually I managed to get to sleep. Only to be awoken by nitro a few hours later, he wanted on my bed! I let him and we snuggled down and both fell back to sleep again!
I woke up at 4:30. I got up, made coffee…and am now online doing some stuff organising my media, downloading some books etc.
I am planning on taking a shower soon. I love the early morning time, when no one else seems to be up. I have the radio on. I am enjoying the music. My PA will be here at 9 AM. We’re going to the gym and I need to go get my money out for the week also.
Im also going volunteering today…this afternoon. Then I will be doing my normal thing, and going to my parents for the weekend. Im waiting on some cheques to come in the mail. Cheques for the things I got funded for, like my macbook, a new cooker, etc. They were supposed to come this week, the guy told me they’d be here before christmas, so if not this week then hoping for next week. I’d like to get my macbook for christmas!
Anyway. I hope your all having a good start to your friday!

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Moving house isnt going to work out

So that possible move? Not gonna happen! Never going to happen! Not feesable at all!
I did a little research. I talked to mom and dad. They told me that the complex I was thinking of, they only accept over 60’s. Well I have a looong way to go to get there! So its a no go!
I’m a little bummed. It sounded ideal! And oh so good if it could happen! I would be secure, safe, and happy!
I guess for now I’m staying where I am! And going to just keep working with Eileen on staying safe! The thing is we dont feel very safe where we are. Dont get me wrong, its a nice area I live in now. My neighbours are nice. Especially the lady who lives next door to me!
I just dont feel safe though! I am constantly anxious. I constantly am worrying about someone getting in, hurting me, breaking in, etc. Its just a constant thing. I wish it wasnt so!
I’m sad this move wont work out for me. But well better I know now. It means I get to try to work on making myself safer, and happier in my home I have right now!

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Thinking of moving house, a big decision

So I’ve been thinking a lot this evening. I am seriously considering moving. Moving out of my house I am in now. Moving to an apartment complex that is secured, that is gated, and that is nearer to where my mom lives.
I am really seriously considering it. For one thing, if I did that then it would be much safer, I’d be much more secure, there’d be no way any cult abusers could get in or contact us.
We’d be about 3 minutes from our moms house. We could actually walk there in minutes. I think I’d be a lot safer than I am now. Plus mom doesnt drive, and for her to get to me right now, she has to get a ride.
I am not sure if I can do it though. First I need to talk to my supervisor at friendly call. She knows a lot more about what goes on in the community than I do. She would know how I’d go about applying to the complex if I want to move there.
I also need to speak to dr. barry. If I move, then technically she wouldnt be my doctor any more as I wouldnt be in her catchment area any longer. Well as you can imagine I am not willing to lose dr. barry. So I would need to ask her if we could bend the rules a little and if she’d keep me on as a patient if I was to move. Of course I’d also be telling her my reasons for wanting to do this.
I would hope that she could. I think she could, but I’d need to make sure of it before going ahead with any of this.
Do you think I’m mad doing this? I’ve lived in my current house for 9 years. Its a local authority house, that means it belongs to our city council, if I moved to this complex, I’d be paying a little bit more rent, but it would be worth it for the extra level of security I’d have.
There are also community activities run there, there is a lot of community involvement, everyone knows everyone, etc. I grew up in the area, I lived there my whole life, the other thing is my neighbours would all be middle aged to elderly, I dont mind that at all though, in fact I’d almost prefer that.
So what do you think? Thoughts anyone?

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Low key therapy session

we had a low key therapy session this past monday. We decided we need to wind down. We have one more session before our christmas break, that, too will be a low key session where we’ll just have a general chit chat and wind down.
Eileen keeps reassuring us that we’ll manage the break. She said its ok to put things away, its ok to just reflect on the hard work we’ve done, and enjoy our christmas, that therapy will be there in january, and for now, for now its ok to shelve things and put them away.
Have fun, relax, chill out, enjoy time with family, friends, enjoy the holidays.
I hope shes right. I hope we’ll manage the break. I can feel some inside tensing at the thought of it. We talked about it with her though so that did help some. Its just some inside only feel safe in eileens office and nowhere else. Thats the hard part.
We plan on giving her a christmas card next week to end our therapy work this year. Emily made it for her. She is looking forward to giving it to her. We also have a card that we bought from a friend, which is signed by a lot of us in the system and which we will also give to her.
Therapy this past year has been really hard but also really good. Its been intense a lot of times, but so worth it, we’re progressing, we’ve done a lot of hard and very intensive work, which wasnt always easy, but then, when is therapy ever easy?
I’m happy we have one more apt before the christmas break. I’m also happy our last one will be an apt where we can reflect, where some inside can talk and chat in general, not have to worry about disclosing, or about doing anything too intense.

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Sleepless night and plans for today!

well I had very little sleep. Went to bed around 1 AM. Couldnt settle. Eventually I did and I got around 4 hours of sleep total. Feel quite tired this morning. But I am up and awake and have had a couple mugs of coffee to get me up and going!
Just getting ready for therapy now. Booked my taxi. Finally got myself dressed too. Have an hour and a half before I have to leave! So plenty of time!
Am going to cancel my after care with nitro tomorrow. My week is just super busy! I can do it after the christmas rush is over! There is no hurry. I’m sure the guide dog school will be fine with me canceling it.
Other than therapy I have to go to my gp today. I have to get a medical done. You know a medical after the car crash, the solicitor is requesting that we all have medicals done so she can get reports on our injuries. So I have to go there at 3 today.
I plan on walking to the surgery, to get my exercise in! Thats if its not raining!
I hope you all have a fab Monday!

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Therapy tomorrow!

Therapy tomorrow morning! Yay! So glad we get to see eileen! So looking forward to it!
For once I dont feel any anxiety at all around going in!
I’m just happy we get to go! Im kinda excited to see what the session will be! We’ve been making such good progress lately! I hope we’ll have more of it tomorrow!
Its our second last session before the christmas break. I am going to ask Eileen if for next week, our last session before the break, if we can have a kinda low key session, where we dont really do any trauma work or deep work, where we can just generally wind down!
Im sure she’ll agree to that!
For tonight though I will just look forward to my therapy time! And I will look forward to eileens support tomorrow morning!

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