Feeling off right now. Feel a bit shit if I am honest. A bit wobbly. Unstable. And emotional.
Not sure what is wrong. I just feel, crappy.
I am gonna have to try to distract myself from the feelings…easier said than done.
I think stirring up all the memories today in therapy has set us off. I hope we’re not in for a night of it now. I feel like a torrent of flashbacks is coming. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just feel a little crazy.
God I hate this feeling. I want some stability. I want this month to end. I want out and away from October.
I feel like screaming. I feel sort of insane right now. Sort of like I’m manic. Or having very manic feelings. All crazy and mixed up.
so I got a great nights sleep! couldn’t believe it!
went to bed at around 11 PM last night. fell asleep right away!
I honestly didn’t think I’d sleep at all! I was wired before I went to bed! And I hadn’t even had any caffeine!
But thankfully it all worked out, and because I slept so well I was able to get up at 7:30 this morning, I jumped out of bed!
Therapy in an hour. Am wondering how todays session will go. I’m sure it will be ok. I’m a little apprehensive though about it.
This morning I am thankful for a good nights sleep. I am thankful for a nice big bowl of porridge to warm me up. And I am thankful that I am going to see Eileen soon.
My friend rose really came through today for me. I know we’ve had our issues lately but she’s been so supportive and helpful during my hard day today. She told me she’d be my sponsor! Ha I had to laugh at that! She told me Rosie says I need R and R rest and relaxation time and to have my breakfast tomorrow morning and then go right back to bed! I probably wont but we’ll see who knows, I may just do it!
I’m so delighted to have such amazing friends. I really appreciate that she has taken time to text with me today. It means so much to me and I am thankful for friends like her.
I woke up at six, despite going to bed after 2 AM. I just wasnt able to sleep any longer so got up. I am feeling very off today. Not doing well at all. I’ve decided not to go volunteering. I just dont feel up to it. I wouldnt be any use to anyone. I am feeling too depressed. I also feel fragile and I think hearing about others problems would only set me off further. So I wont go. I will ring my supervisor when she gets into work and let her know. I made myself make some breakfast. I really didnt feel up to eating or making food, but I pushed myself to do it. Its not even 8 AM here yet. I think its going to be a long day. Also the weather is crap outside. Its very windy and threatening to rain. I just let nitro out and fed him so at least I managed to see to his needs. He is important to me so I am glad I was able to see to him. My friend texted me during the night. She was worried as she texted me yesterday after my therapy session and I didnt reply to her. Truth is I was too tired to talk then. I probably should have replied to just let her know I was ok. She worries for us at this time of year because she knows its hard for us. I replied this morning. I apologised for not replying to her message sooner. I need to shower but I just dont feel like it. I know thats gross. I probably will, I just have to muster up the energy. I feel too lethargic and too depressed. Im not sure where the depression is coming from. Other than the time of year but not sure what else is causing it. All I know is I feel so awful. Feel really low and like I couldnt be bothered like I dont care about anything. Ug I hope this doesnt last for too long. Its exhausting.
So I saw this done on another blog, an alphabet of the things your grateful for, what you do is go through the letters of the alphabet, naming one thing from each that your grateful for! So heres my list!
a-Animals! Especially Nitro!
G-my gym membership!
K-My sisters kids!
L-The love of my family!
N-Nitro, again! He’s my world!
P-My psychiatrist dr. barry!
Q-Peace and quiet in the early morning!
W-Water to drink!
X-Xciting trips and adventures!
SO WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY THAT I HAVENT ALREADY SAID? YA’LL KNOW ME, FROM ME WRITING DAILY OR ALMOST DAILY ON OUR BLOG. BUT WELL. ME, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT MYSELF?
IM LIZ. WHEN I FIRST EMERGED I WAS 16. I AM AN AGE SLIDER NOW THOUGH. I GO FROM AGES 19-22. SOMETIMES WHEN IM REALLY TRIGGERED I REGRESS TO A YOUNGER AGE, LIKE 12 TO 16, BUT MOSTLY IM AN ADULT.
IM A DARK. DARKS ARE USUALLY ALTERS WHO WORK AGAINST THE BODY, AGAINST THE SYSTEM. THEY ARE USUALLY UNCOOPERATIVE AND VERY DESTRUCTIVE. SELF HARMING, ANGER ISSUES, SUICIDAL ETC.
IM A LITTLE DIFFERENT THOUGH. IM A DARK BUT IM ALSO SORTA HELPFUL IN OUR SYSTEM. I HELP CAROL ANNE A LOT. WE WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM. WE RUN THE SYSTEM. HER FOR THE LIGHTS, ME FOR THE DARKS.
IM ALSO A PROTECTOR IN MY OWN RIGHT, BUT I DONT LIKE TO ADMIT IT. I LIKE TO SAY, NO ONE CAN FUCK WITH MY PEOPLE, EXCEPT ME. THATS A RULE I LIVE BY. IN FIERCELY PROTECTIVE OF MY CREW.
I LIKE MUSIC, RAP IS MY FAVOURITE GENRE. I LIKE EMINEM AND OTHER ARTISTS WHOSE LYRICS I CAN RELATE TO. I LISTEN TO MUSIC A LOT WHEN I AM UPSET OR ANGRY. IT HELPS ME.
ANGER. WHAT CAN I SAY I AM ANGRY A LOT. SOMETIMES MY ANGER GETS THE BEST OF ME. I CAN GO OFF ON PEOPLE AND BE A TOTAL BITCH TO THEM. I RESORT TO ANGER WHEN I FEEL THREATENED OR SCARED. ITS NOT SOMETHING I AM PROUD OF.
SO THATS ME. THATS WHAT I AM ABOUT. IM A STRONG INSIDER. A STRONG PERSON IN GENERAL. ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW, JUST ASK.