what does safe feel like?a question Eileen posed today
The calm presence of you next to me
Your soothing voice
Your calming energy
The fleecey blanket wrapped around me
The ticking of the clock on the wall
The warmth of your office
But most of all
I am safe
when your with me
I am safe
When we are together
I am safe
I am truly safe
with you beside me
Thank you Eileen
For always making it safe
What a trip it was today with Dr. barry. A trip as in, A very funny session!
Me: to Dr. barry, By the way, happy anniversary?
Dr. Barry: with a confused look, huh? What?
Anniversary? What do ya mean?
Me: Well now, have you forgotten about it?
Dr. Barry with a nervous laugh, um no? but forgot what?
Me: Well, we’ve only been working together for six years! This month! So, happy anniversary to us!
Dr. Barry: Oh my god yes! You know Carol anne, I really think time speeds up when you get older!
Me: What’d’ya mean older? Your young!
Your not old not in the least bit old! Come on!
Dr. Barry: Well believe me Carol anne, with two boys who are now 7 and 9, I feel older every day!
And now it was my turn to gulp and say, 7 and 9? Omg! Are they that old now?
And after that the talk turned to the upcoming toy show thats going to be on our tv this coming friday. So will your boys watch it? I asked. No, she said, they both have plans on Friday night, they have hectic social lives, and, I am on call on Friday night, so the plan is to record it and watch it nearer to christmas!
And with that, we stood up to walk out and make my next appointment! Heres to six more years and then some, I said, squeezing her hand.
Yes! She said patting my arm. And by then we’ll really all be old! Well, at least me and you will!
Now now dr. barry, speak for yourself, I laughed, I plan on never growing up! Not if I can help it!
Eileen is awesome! Did I mention how absolutely awesome she is? I’m sure I did, rye smile.
I texted her because our anxiety isnt going away. So I texted her asking her if she was able to talk for a few minutes. She responded right away, saying yes, she could.
So we just talked. She is so kind. So so caring and kind.
She spoke to the kids, and she told them they were safe, and its just memories, and that it is in the past, not happening right now.
She asked me if we were triggered by being sick this morning. I said yes we were. “I get it, she said. I hear ya.
I thought you would be triggered by vomiting. How compassionate of her. Just the fact she gets it is so comforting to us.
She told us to wrap up in our fleece blanket. Wrap up and watch something on tv, she said. Be kind to yourselves. What do kids need when they are sick? Comfort, support, hugs, time. Its ok to just be nice to yourselves now. You can do all the fun stuff now. Thats allowed.
So thats what we’re going to do. We’ll watch something on prime, or net flicks, and make a cup of tea, and relax and wrap up in our comfy blanket.
I knew Eileen would come through for us. I am so grateful to her. She’s my strength tonight.
I didnt get to go to therapy today! I am sick! I had a dreadful headache and stomach ache. I couldnt face trying to go in and talk. So I texted Eileen at 7:45 and I told her. She was lovely about it. She even offered me another time this week to see her. I wasnt expecting her to do that. I will see her on Wednesday morning at 9:30. I was delighted when she offered me an alternative day to come in. I thanked her and sent her lots of imogies lol. Then I went back to bed and slept for another few hours. I’d gotten up at 3:30 AM and stayed up for 3 hours. So I needed some more sleep. I didnt wake up again until after noon. I’m not going into work today either. I’ll go in tomorrow instead.
So I didnt go in to work today. I woke up feeling terrible. I decided the best thing I could do was stay home. No point in me going in there and trying to listen to others when I am not doing well myself.
I still feel very anxious. I woke up a few times during the night with crippling anxiety. I even got up once and went out to the kitchen to get a glass of water and something to eat.
I really do think the best thing is for me to just stay out of work today. I do my job much better when I am in a good mood, and feeling positive and ok in myself.
Eileen texted me last night. She said she was finished her training and she was looking forward to seeing us on monday. I texted her back, wishing her a nice weekend and I said I couldnt wait until monday to see her.
It was nice to be able to go to sleep knowing she’d texted us. Felt great just hearing from her.
We’re really out of sorts. Really dissociative and triggered. Very very unsettled this afternoon. We’ve gone to our moms house. For that extra bit of support. We got very broken sleep last night. Only got about four hours. Tried laying down again earlier but couldnt sleep. Our thoughts were too racy. We’re really missing Eileen. We gave in and texted her a quick message just telling her that we’re struggling and missing her and that we hoped she was enjoying her training. She hasnt replied, but then we didnt expect her to. We werent looking for a reply. We just wanted to acknowledge our feelings to her. Our depression feels bad too today. We’re very down. Very sad and emotional. At least we’re still doing good with our food plan. We arent giving up on that. We may take an extra clonadine later tonight. Just to see if it will take the edge off the anxiety. The anxiety is horrible too. We’re so anxious. Hate feeling this way. Wish it all would just go away.
I am just back from getting my shot. The nurse who administered it knows me, but I cant remember her, she said she remembers me from years ago when I was an inpatient on the psych unit and she was working there. I wish I could remember her, she said to me today that I seem much happier and I agreed with her that I was. I will say this. She’s good at administering the shot. It didnt even hurt, not even a little bit. I thought I was going to be early and have to wait around for a half hour, but when I got there she was free so she took me back right away. Now that its done I wont have to get it again for 3 months. I’m glad I met the nurse before today, I am glad Dr. Barry introduced me to her. Her name is Kay. She’s actually a lovely person. She’s very genuine and kind. When we came outside the office, my mom was there waiting, as she’d come with me. Kay said to her that I was doing great, and my mom said she was delighted with the progress I’d made. That was so lovely to hear. I had the biggest smile on my face on hearing my mom say how thrilled she was that I was doing so much better. Now I am back home and so glad to be inside in the warmth. Its pouring outside still. I’m glad I dont have to go out in it again today.