i wish i wasnt me

hi its allie. and i am sad. very very sad. and scared. i cant sleep. and i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was someone else. and i wish i had a forever mom. my mom bio mom hates me. she doesnt like or love any of us young insiders. she only likes the adult parts. it makes my heart so sad. i hurt. i want eileen or dr. barry to be my forever mom. they are caring. they are loving. i know they love me because they tell me. they show me by their actions. they pat my arm. or my shoulder. or talk softly to us. or say kind things like calling us pet or hun or telling us to have a good week, take care, stuff like that. our mom doesnt do any of that. ok she does practical things like housework and stuff but i dont want a mom like that i want a mom who will talk to me about hard stuff, play with me, be there for me when i feel sad and cry and am lonely. right now i dont want to be me. i realy realy dont. i’d like to run away. run far far away. but i cant. i am stuck. i cant move. i am trapped. i feel like i cant move like this is one big nightmare.
allie 9

I MAY REGRET THIS BUT I MAY NOT? :-) WE CAN HOPE

I MAY REGRET THIS OR I MAY NOT
BUT IS ANYONE OUT THERE?
ANYONE WITH DISSOCIATIVE PARTS, OR WHO HAS DID
OR WHO FEELS ALONE AND LIKE THEY HAVE NOBODY
I AM HERE AND I WANT TO TALK
I REALLY REALLY WOULD LOVE A CHAT
I AM FEELING SO ISOLATED AND DESPERATELY ALONE
I AM PART OF A DID SYSTEM AN ALTER IN A DID SYSTEM
A TEEN FINDING HER WAY IN THE WORLD
I’D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW OTHERS WHO CAN RELATE
OR ANY OF MY FOLLOWERS WHO MIGHT LIKE TO CHAT TO ME
I SOMETIMES AM A LITTLE VOLATILE AND ANGRY
BUT I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I ONLY KICK OFF IF I FEEL THREATENED OR HURT
I PROMISE NOT TO KICK OFF NOW I PROMISE TO BE CIVIL AND FRIENDLY
PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME?
LIZ

DONE, I’M DONE!

FUCK IT I AM DONE I AM SO OVER SHIT NIGHTS AND SHIT DAYS FLASHBACKS THEY ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I’M SO DONE WITH THEM OH MY GOD SO SOOO DONE SO OVER THEM I AM JUST IN A RAGE I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS HOW DARE THEY TAKE SO MUCH FROM ME MY CHILDHOOD MY INNOCENCE MY SPIRIT BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKERS I STILLL HAVE MY DETERMINATION AND I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I STILL HAVE FIGHT IN ME AND GOD BUT YOUR NOT GONNA WIN THIS WAR I WILL WIN IF I HAVET TO DO A LOT TO TAKE YOU DOWN THEN I WILL YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS FIGHT YOU HAVE HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR FAR TOO LONG NO MORE NO MORE YOU HEAR ME? FUCK OFF, GO TO HELL, JUST LEAVE US ALONE ALL OF YOU ABUSERS, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, TRAUMA, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
LIZ

Poetry, survival

Ice cold and numb to the bone

Trying to survive this all alone

Flashes of fright before my eyes

Cant get away from the bad guys

Seizing me in my dreams at night

I am unable even then to take flight

My response always seems the same

Inflicting pain, accepting the shame

I cant believe that I had no control then

I place my thoughts on the should have been

Why did I not once fight back, i wonder

Anger inside like rolling thunder

For all that happened I must blame me

Fault is placed on who its got to be

They are innocent and should be loved

Loyalty puts all above

Doesnt matter what they did

Doesnt matter I was just a kid

Its only right I give them all

Including my life, as to my knees I fall

I remain led by the fires light

As to my soul they hold tight

I give to them what they do not deserve

And for myself leave nothing in reserve

carol anne

Rock botto

swirling and spinning

quickly downward

nothing to grip onto

the hole seems endless

yet i have a sense of rock bottom

and i think i’m about to hit it

i brace myself for the collision

but i am tugged away by voices

my mind can’t prepare

and combat hallucinations

enter the flashbacks

on top of the voices

memories stabbing my heart

suddenly i hit the ground

the fall is hard

my arms out to brace myself

now bleed in a self injurious way

this is the bottom

its a familiar place

i’ve been here many times before

and i know that unless i get help

the right sort of help

i’ll be here again

Carol anne

I distracted and now I feel better

well when the flashbacks hit, i decided to distract. i knew that would help. and i was right.
i watched americas got talent with my parents. it was really good. there were so many great performers on there.
i also rang my friend rose. she told me all about the wedding she’d been at today. talking to her helped a lot. she’s been going through some mental health struggles too lately so being able to be there for her has been great and very helpful to me as well.
now i think i’m ready to relax and wind down. the flashbacks have gone. i dont feel emotional. in fact i feel good. i like this feeling, long may it last.

flashback trauma

flashbacks are kicking our collective ass. horrific memories are running rampant. taunting us. making us crazy. sending us spiraling. triggering us into a place of emotional instability.

Right now, I feel awful. I want an end to this pain. An end is all I want.

But it never ends. The pain threatens to take me down. If only the memories would stop?