So nervous!

I am so nervous
I feel it all over my body
Nervous because
Of this time of year
I hate it
October is one of our worst months
Halloween
Comes and
We get so scared
Monsters are real
at least they were in our childhood
So much
bad stuff
happened on the lead up
to halloween night
all I want
is for the memories
to go away
take flight
and leave me be
its hard to live in fear
of being so overwhelmed
that you sink
emotionally

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/10/11/nervous/

World mental health day: What is it like living with did?

Today is world mental health day! So I thought I’d do a short post about living with did, and what that is like.

Living with did is a real adventure! Sometimes its hard, but sometimes its fun! I know that sounds crazy. But let me explain a little.

I share my body with many alters. We all have different thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions. Life can get a little crazy with everyone vying for different things! Its hard for us to agree on most days!

With help from our therapist Eileen we’re learning to cooperate better with one another! Its slow going but we’re getting there!

Did isnt always fun. The related symptoms like nightmares, flashbacks, high anxiety, and triggers can be so debilitating. And again, different insiders feel the symptoms in different ways. So while I can cope with a lot, the younger ones cant, and get triggered very easily.

Its definitely a roller coaster living with did, there is no doubt about that!

What has helped the most is the love and kindness of family, friends, and our therapist and psychiatrist! Our therapist and psychiatrist are the most important allies we’ve got right now! We’re so grateful for their love and ongoing support and for helping us through!

Its thanks to them that we’ve come so far in our recovery and now live a relatively stable life!

Did is a hard and complex diagnosis to live with, but you can have a good quality of life when you have did, you do not have to be afraid! Life can be good! Did is not scary! We’re just normal people! We’re not monsters! No need to be afraid of us!

Like a t shirt that I own says, being multiple means there is more of me to love!

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I crashed!

So after coming home from the friendly call office, I crashed hard! I got home for around 5:30. Made dinner, ate it and then crawled into bed! And as soon as I did, I fell asleep!

And I slept from around 6:30 until just after 11:30! I know my routine is all wrong, but well for now, I am not worried! I’ll take it while I am getting it! That is 5 straight hours, with me only waking once, to let nitro out and say good night to my mom!

Its raining hard out there now. I love the sound of the rain! Its so sootheing!

I’m up now I think for the night! But that’s ok! I made a coffee, and I am reading blogs and enjoying the peace and quiet!

Mood is still good, yay thank heavens for that!

And I didn’t forget my meds either win, win!

LOVE FEELS LIKE…

ITS LIZ HERE. I JUST SAW ON PILGRIMS BLOG A GREAT POST ON LOVE, AND ONE OF THE SENTENCES SAID, LOVE FEELS LIKE, AND THAT GOT ME THINKING.
SO I WANT TO WRITE MY OWN LIST, OF WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE TO ME.
THIS IS ALL DOWN TO MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH DR. BARRY, MY THERAPIST EILEEN AND ALSO ALL DOWN TO MY FANTASTIC FRIENDS, WHO’VE SHOWN ME, ITS POSSIBLE TO LOVE.
SO HERE I GO…

LOVE FEELS LIKE…

A MUG OF HOT CHOCOLATE
A KIND GESTURE
CARING
IS HOPEFUL
WARM
SOFT
A PUPPYS KISSES
A GENTLE BREEZE
UNCONDITIONAL
FREEDOM
HAPPINESS
A WARM SUMMERS DAY
COMFORT
FRIENDSHIP
GENTLE
LAUGHTER

I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE MY LIST OF WHAT LOVE MEANS TO ME!

LIZ

http://pilgrimage.studio/2019/09/28/love-moon/

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And I go on despite how I feel

I want to cry. I feel so awful. Will crying help? Who knows. I just feel intense sadness. Thank god for Nitro. Thank god for his cuddles. I badly need them right now. I really dont know what I’d do without him. I’d be lost. Lost in a sea of overwhelm. He calms me. He keeps me sane. He needs me. I cant fold. I have to be there for him. I have to look after him. If I didnt have him I’d curl up in bed and never come out. I’d just hide. I really feel like hiding right now. I am in so much emotional pain tonight. I just feel so down. Depressed. Anxious. Its neverending. Its a horrible way to feel. I wish it would go away. I’m going to make a cup of tea. Watch a little tv for distraction. Then maybe read, if I can concentrate on my book. Must remember to take my night meds. Must forget them. I’m trying to do better about taking them. Its an uphill battle. Wonder if I’ll sleep tonight. I never did fix my mac. I tried everything. I dont know how to fix it. May ask on facebook as I have a lot of blind friends on there. Perhaps one of them has a mac and can help me out. We’ll hope.

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In a bad place mentally

I’m in a bad place emotionally tonight, and mentally. I feel defeated. My mood is shit. My anxiety is high. I’ve been having trouble remembering my meds. I just took night ones now. This is after a few nights of missing them. I hope I havent completely fucked things up with the not taking them. I’m not deliberately not taking them, the dissociation causes me to forget them. But I’m doing everything I can now to remember. I’ve been napping a lot today. When I came home from seeing dr. barry I went to bed. And I stayed there all afternoon. I felt like shit. I am so anxious. And so overwhelmed. I got up at 6, ate dinner and have been just floundering around all evening. I’m not ok. I really dont feel good. I feel like I could just burst into tears at any moment. The tears are there, just bubbling under the surface. I also am feeling very agitated. I cant wait to get the clonadine on Friday and start it, I am kinda hoping for a miracle when I do.
Could really use some support, if anyone is around?

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THERAPY SESSION: WORKING WITH LITTLE LIZ AND TALKING ABOUT DID AND TRAUMA

HI. ITS LIZ. THERAPY WAS TOUGH FOR ME TODAY. I HAD TO ADMIT TO SOMETHING THAT I RARELY TALK ABOUT. YOU SEE, I HAVE AN INSIDER INSIDE OF ME, CALLED LITTLE LIZ. SHE’S 5. I RARELY TALK ABOUT HER. I FEEL FRUSTRATED THAT SHE’S THERE, LIKE THAT MAKES ME SOMEHOW WEAK, OR SOMETHING. LITTLE LIZ ALWAYS COMES OUT WHEN I AM MAD, OR SAD, OR WHATEVER AND SAYS LIZ IS MAD, OR LIZ IS SAD, LIZ IS…WHATEVER IT IS I AM FEELING AT THAT TIME. SHE BASICALLY WARNS PEOPLE ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING. SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HERSELF. SHE NEVER SPEAKS IN FIRST PERSON TERMS. ITS ALWAYS LIZ IS…AND THEN WHATEVER IT IS I AM FEELING. WHEN EILEEN AND ME WERE TALKING ABOUT ATTACHMENT STUFF TODAY, AND ABOUT HOW TRIGGERED I GOT ON FRIDAY, EILEEN SAID THAT MORE THAN LIKELY IT WAS LITTLE LIZ WHO WAS SO TRIGGERED. THERE ARE ALSO A FEW PARTS WHO ARE AROUND 11 OR 12, THAT ARE ALSO INSIDE OF ME, THAT I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT UNTIL TODAY, UNTIL EILEEN POINTED IT OUT TO ME THAT ONE OF THEM HAD COME FORWARD LAST WEEK, AND SAID THAT SHE DIDNT HAVE A NAME, BUT THAT SHE SOMETIMES COMES OUT AND PRETENDS TO BE ME. EILEEN SAID SHE’S PROBABLY PROTECTING LITTLE LIZ. AND THE WAY THINGS HAVE BEEN ORGANISED, IT WAS PROBABLY HER JOB TO DO THAT BACK WHEN THE ABUSE WAS TAKING PLACE. I AGREED. WE DID A LITTLE EMDR TODAY AND WORKED WITH LITTLE LIZ. I FELT SO VULNERABLE. IT WAS SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT HER AND BE WITH HER, BUT EILEEN ASKED ME TO NOTICE HER, AND IF I COULD TO TELL HER WHAT SHE’S LIKE. SO I TOLD HER. I SAW HER AS SMALL FOR HER AGE, AND FEARFUL, AND ANXIOUS. I COULDNT STAY AROUND HER FOR TOO LONG, IT WAS TOO PAINFUL. BUT WE MADE A START ON WORKING WITH HER, AND EILEEN SAID WE’LL WORK WITH HER SOME MORE OVER THE COMING WEEKS. A LITTLE AT A TIME WAS WHAT SHE SAID. THEN WE GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT DID AND TRAUMA, I’D SENT HER A LINK TO A VIDEO ABOUT RITUAL ABUSE, FROM AN AUTHOR ALISON MILLER, WHOSE WRITTEN TWO BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT ONE FOR THERAPISTS AND ONE FOR SURVIVORS. I HAD EILEEN EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF DISSOCIATION TO ME, WHICH SHE DID AND I LISTENED. I KNEW SOME OF WHAT SHE SAID BUT NOT ALL OF IT. SHE SAID WE HAVE THE TURSHORY DISSOCIATION, WHICH IS THE MOST SEVERE KIND. THERE ARE ALSO PRIMARY AND SECONDARY DISSOCIATION, BUT IN THOSE TWO THE PERSON IS AWARE OF THE PARTS, AND KNOWS ALL OF THEIR MEMORIES, AND KNOWS WHAT THE PARTS ARE HOLDING ETC. IN THE TURSHORY ONE, THAT IS WHERE THERE ARE ALTER PARTS, SPLIT OFF, AND HOLDING MEMORIES, AMNESIC BARRIERS ETC. IT MADE SENSE. SHE SAID MORE THERAPIST NOWADAYS ARE LEARNING ABOUT TRAUMA AND DISSOCIATION, ITS A RELATIVELY NEW DISCIPLINE, SHE SAID THAT TRAUMA AND DISSOCIATION GO HAND IN HAND. I AGREE THEY DO. WE SPENT A WHILE DISCUSSING THAT, AND THEN EILEEN WANTED TO KNOW HOW THE SYSTEM FELT ABOUT WHAT SHE’D SAID. I TOLD HER THEY’D WELCOMED IT. IT WAS HUGE FOR US AS IN THE PAST MOST THERAPISTS AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS CONSIDERED OUR DID TO BE RARE, OR SOMETHING TO BE SCARED OF. WE TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THE DARK ADULTS IN MY SYSTEM THEN. WE DISCUSSED HOW THEY ARE SO DISTRUCTIVE AND ABUSIVE TOWARDS OTHER INSIDERS. EILEEN SAID ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE SO ANGRY ABOUT WHAT THEY’VE GONE THROUGH, HAD TO DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE. SHE ASKED THEM TO MAKE AN AGREEMENT WITH HER THAT THEY WONT HARM ANY OF THE YOUNG INSIDERS THIS WEEK, AND SHE TOLD THEM THEY CAN EMAIL HER IF THEY WANT TO. SHE SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE TO THEM AND TO EMAIL HER IF THEY FEEL OVERWHELMED. SHE OFFERED THEM THAT IF THEY’D LIKE TO WE CAN WORK IN THERAPY WITH THEIR FEELINGS BUT ONLY IF THEY’RE COMFORTABLE DOING THAT. THEY SEEMED CURIOUS ALTHOUGH THEY DIDNT COMMIT TO ANYTHING. THEY DID AGREE NOT TO HARM ANY OF THE INSIDERS THOUGH SO THAT WAS PROGRESS. IT WAS A REALLY PRODUCTIVE SESSION. I FELT DRAINED WHEN I GOT HOME BUT I DIDNT NAP. I’M A LITTLE WOUND UP NOW, WIRED AND I DOUBT I WILL SLEEP TOONIGHT. IF I DONT I WILL JUST HAVE TO KEEP MYSELF AMUSED, THANKFULLY MY DAY TOMORROW DOESNT LOOK OVERLY BUSY, ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE TO WORK, AND I DO HAVE SLIMMING WORL TOMORROW EVENING. I HOPE I GET A FEW HOURS OF SLEEP TONIGHT, EVEN 2 OR 3. WE SHALL SEE I GUESS WHAT HAPPENS. FOR NOW THOUGH I’M HAPPY WITH HOW THERAPY WENT.
LIZ

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