It is 4:30 AM. I cant sleep. I’ve been up since around 2:30.

I am frustrated. I went to bed around 8 last night. I wen to bed early as I’d been up since 4 AM. It took me ages to fall asleep. Eventually I did, but then I kept waking. I kept tossing and turning.

Now I am up again. I am very dehydrated so am drinking a lot of water. I also was hungry so I ate some fruit.

I am supposed to go out with mom this morning. We’re going in to see about my computer. I am getting a new MacBook pro. We have to bring the cheque in to the store. Then it has to clear before I can get the computer and bring it home. So provided the weather isn’t too bad, we’ll go in today and talk to them at the apple store.

I dont have any other plans for my Saturday. I am just going to do this and then chill out for the rest of today at my parents house. I am kinda worried. I think I’ve put on more weight. I doubt I’ve lost any. I’ve been pretty bad and eating a lot of junk. I haven’t been too mindful of my diet lately. I don’t want to undo all my hard work but I think this week I have put up some weight. Oh well. It is what it is I guess. I just have to try not to put up too much weight over the Christmas.

Ok am off to read some more blogs. Talk soon guys!

Aftercare with Nitro

well I just got a call from guide dogs. they want to come out and do aftercare with me and nitro. Its been ages since we had any visit from them. i’m so nervous. i havent really worked him a lot in the past couple of months. we just havent done a lot of work around where I am living. so I am going to be honest with the guy coming out and tell him that. nitros 8 now, so getting near retirement. well they retire generally at 9 or 10. but the lady I spoke to on the phone said its a process and can take a while. but to be honest I dont want another dog. I want to keep nitro when he retires and I couldnt manage two dogs. So I am probably not getting another dog. I’ll talk to this aftercare guy about it. But the likelihood is I wont. Not until nitro passes on. And even then I am not sure if I will. I love having a dog but I just feel like I may not be able to have another one. And I am definitely not rehoming nitro. Some people see their guide dog as a working dog only. I see mine as a pet and a companion too. So I am not giving him up. The guy doing the aftercare, I dont know him. He’s new to the guide dog school. I hope he’ll be nice. I have to get nitro’s vet record filled out. I was a little bit lax about it lately. So now I have to go to the vets on saturday so they can fill it out. The aftercare is next tuesday morning. Im just hoping everything will go well. I just will have to be totally honest with the trainer and tell him the truth. If you pray please pray everything goes well for us.

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hhihihii everybody
it is me em
im not sleeping. im feeling sad. I have a lot on my mind tonight.
my online friends are great though. some of them have been so kind, saying they missed me. that was so nice of them to say so.
I missed them too. I didn’t come out much lately. well until this morning in therapy. me and Eileen had a nice chat then.
I love our chats. they always help me feel better.
I love eileens hugs too. she gives good ones.
im doing a lot of hard work in therapy lately.
its not easy. but its so worth it. it lets me not feel so sad when I work with the pulsers and do EMDR.
my insiders are also doing a lot of work, hard hard work in therapy lately.
im proud of them all. especially the little ones.
well im going to go make a cup of tea now. cuz tea makes everything better.
butterfly hugs
loves you,
em age 12

Therapy today was good

we had a good therapy session today. the kids were happy cuz they had time with eileen. april and emily both has some time to talk. i dont remember a lot about today. except that we worked with the pulsers a little. to try to help emilys system of insiders. it seems some of her young ones are running things. and eileen said we need to try to change that. jade is now living with emily as you all know. so she is an outside adult that lives where em lives inside. in the same house. that is helping. but a lot of ems insiders are still really protective of em. they are all still afraid to really let her take over much. it was worrying today. we got to therapy and it seems an 8 year old insider named april took us there in the taxi. she’s one of ems insiders. none of us had any recollection of what we did this morning when we woke up. how we dressed, or washed or ate or what we did. we just didnt know. but somehow we got to therapy. when eileen came in april was out. eileen was very worried. as am I. this situation is not good. it happens to us every so often. so we’re going to work on that soon too I think. we got very dissociative this morning too during our session. our body felt all kinds of weird. we were really feeling dizzy and like elastic that is stretched, and about to snap. eileen came over and held us. she also placed her hand on our back for some extra support. of course she asked before she did it, she’d never just do it without asking first. it felt calming to have her place a hand on our back and rest it there. like she was sootheing us. it felt so good. it immediately calmed us down. overall it was a good session. we left feeling less dissociative. less edgy. liz came out at the end as I was busy with kids. but she came out and talked with eileen for a few minutes before we ended the session. well actually eileen asked for her. so i think she felt a little special that eileen had asked her to come out. it was good though the session was. two more before our christmas break. im nervous about the break. eileen kept telling liz to remember how much we have going on right now. like for example our social life, college, etc. that we’d manage. she said she’ll put extra support in place for us over christmas. that maybe she could go some phone check ins and we can also email her. she’ll be on vacation for two weeks over christmas. but really it’ll be 3 weeks. its just how the weeks fall. im sure it’ll be ok though. at least i hope it will be.

carol anne

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My daily gratitude list!

Today I am grateful for the following!

My supervisor at my volunteer job for a ride to work
My furbaby, nitro!
My mom!
My friends!
My nice warm house!
Distractions like tv and books
A hot cup of tea or coffee!
A hot shower!
Fresh fruit
That I am feeling relatively happy!

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1 pound gain!

So well, after weigh in tonight I was up 1 pound! So not much. I can live with that. I set myself a target to lose 3 pounds next week, I hope I can. I’m going to really try my hardest to do that this coming week!
A lot of us in group had gains tonight. Not the end of the world I guess! I will just have to give it my all and hope for better results next time!
I am still down 2 stone 7.5 pounds! Or for my US readers, thats 35.5 pounds!
Happy days!

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