It me emily. I just got home from therapy. I had the whole session today. Carol anne said that would be ok, since I was not doing too good over the weekend.
I was having thoughts of wanting to die, mainly cuz I was having a lot of memories of stuff my abusers did, plus I was also having nightmares which made me afraid to go to sleep.
I talked to Eileen and told her some stuff. I love her. She’s so kind and she always knows just what to say to make me feel better.
We talked about how I couldnt eat this weekend, because it felt like there was this huge ball of fear inside me. I felt like my tummy was so full up. It felt awful.
I told her that when I was in Dublin in the bording school how the staff would make me stand in front of a mirror, and they’d make me repeat things into the mirror, such as, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m worthless, Perfect girls are skinny, I’m not pretty and everyone hates me.
Eileen held my hand, and she sat beside me. She promised me she doesnt hate me.
I never could hate you emily, what they did and said to you was so wrong, it was so unfair.
If I was there, I’d have said to them, take that mirror away from Emily, How dare you say those things to her, how dare you treat a child like that, you bad, evil people.
It felt so validating that she was standing up for me, and that she’d tell the abusers off for treating me in the way they did. She kept telling me how much she felt for me having to go through that, and how it must have made me feel so upset and alone and afraid.
We did some EMDR then with the pulsers, and she said to me emily, you are beautiful. I wish I could believe it Eileen, I said, but I don’t. Emily, your beautiful, no matter what they say. Your really pretty. I’m sitting here and you are in front of me and here are just a few of the things that are so pretty about you.
You have lovely skin, it looks very young. You have lovely eyes, lovely dark eyebrows, beautiful dark hair, high cheek bones, a beautiful smile that lights up the room, you don’t look your age, the age of the body, you look very young and your smile, that smile melts my heart.
I started to cry then. What beautiful things she said about me. Eileen, I said, thank you, but do you really believe that about me?
100 percent, she said. Believe me, I am telling you the truth. Do you trust me?
Yes, I trust you Eileen.
It was a tough session but the thoughts I had over the weekend of wanting to die have lessened now. I feel much better, I still feel as if people would hate me if they knew all the bad things I did, but I believe Eileen when she says she doesn’t hate me.
Emily age 12