The celebration

well we celebrated moms birthday and had a blast. there was myself, my mom, dad, sister and my sisters 2 kids. despite my dads whining and being a groan, we enjoyed ourselves. he’s all about routine, and he wanted to leave the garden centre after an hour, after we’d eaten our meal. but we wanted to stay and look around at the flowers and other items they sell. me and my sister also wanted to get dessert and get our mom a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. we did end up staying which my dad wasnt to thrilled about. the garden centre has so many amazing flowers and plants, but a lot of them are very expensive. my sister bought some flowers, she said she wants to try her hand at gardening. i would have bought some but my fear of bees and insects keeps me from having flowers in my back yard. i did see apple trees though and I really want one. My friend rose said they draw wasps too though and my sister said they draw worms. I would also love a swing for my back yard. then I could sit out and read or listen to music while nitro played in the garden. i’d also love a water feature but they are so expensive. then you have to get a plumber to plumb it all in and stuff. it sounds like too much hard work but maybe i can dream? the food was lovely. for my meal i had a sweet chili and chicken rap with fries, and for dessert I had red velvet gateau. it was delicious. they make all of their cakes fresh every day so its extra nice. my mom won five euro on one of the lottery tickets I gave her. she didnt get anything on the other two. when we drove back to ur parents and dropped them off, mom said to me and laura that she’d had a fantastic day, then she kissed both of us which was a big surprise but a nice surprise. i think she felt special and was happy to have her family around her today. the weather here is still really hot. the temps are supposed to get higher tomorrow. we had a little thunder shower earlier but I think thats because of the heat. I’m feeling good tonight. I feel settled, calm and happy which feels so nice. Its been a wonderful day.

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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Crapola

I woke up feeling sick. I really hate being sick. I cant put my finger on what exactly is wrong, I just know I feel like shit. I was meant to go visit my friend rose today. But now I’m not going. I was going to go back to bed and read, maybe I still will. Its damp and rainy outside, yucky weather to go with my yucky mood. This is not a good start to my weekend!

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I came out of hiding

i did what eileen suggested, i got up and i went out of the house. i went to the basement club. i am here now. its quiet here not many members are in yet because its early. today is their open day, they have an open day once a month where anyone can come in and view the place get information etc. i’m happy i came out. i didnt realise how much i’d missed the place. it was actually my mom who convinced me to go. she called me and i was still in my PJ’s and she said to me that I should get out of the house. I think she was worried about me isolating. I had a bad night with flashbacks and emotions coming up and I just felt like crap. I didnt stay awake after I wrote the blog post at 2 AM I went back to bed and I was able to go back to sleep so that was good. I plan on staying at the basement club for the entire day today. Until about 4 PM. Then my friend Norma is coming over tonight to my house for a few hours. I think Eileen will be proud of me. I am taking care of myself. I am looking after my mental health. That is what she told me to do. Stay well, make sure I keep myself well.

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Desperation

feeling alone, and lonely and hopeless. in a bad place. desperate for eileen to text. i text her earlier she said she would text me when she was free to talk. wishing she was free now. desperately needing the connection with her.
this is frustrating and sucky.
carol anne

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