Just a couple of snaps taken last night. We didn’t do much last night just stayed around the apartment complex had drinks had dinner and listen to music and chatted, it was really nice. Today we are going to a couple of beaches so I should be able to get some nice pictures and I will post them later on today, the vacation is going really well so far we are having a lot of fun.
besides my appointments today i had a pretty busy day. when i finished with dr. barry i rang mom and she said she was already at my house. my sister had dropped her there on her way to work. she got called into work to do relief and so she had to drop my mom off early. so i got the taxi home and then i sat chatting to mom for a while. she made me lunch. despite not losing any weight this week i still ate healthily. i had a turkey sandwich for lunch. mom ironed some of my clothes for going on vacation this weekend. she also put on some laundry for me. and did dishes. i wanted to recycle some clothes and donate them to charity. i had a couple of shirts that no longer fit me so i asked mom if she’d take them to the charity shop and she said she would. mom stayed at my house for 3 hours. when she left i was tired so i ended up laying down for a little while. i didnt sleep though. i just read my book. my home help came at 4. she helped me cook dinner. i had sweet potato fries and chicken wings for dinner. the wings were really spicy. i enjoyed them. when my home help left i layed on the couch watching tv. i put the kids horse blanket over me. its so fluffy and soft that i actually dozed off while i was under it. i slept for an hour or so. i woke up feeling refreshed. i’ve been online and watching tv for the rest of the evening. i watched long lost families, and law and order SVU, and I’m about to start watching I survived. I’ve already taken my night meds. I’m debating whether I should pick up the emergency prescription dr. barry gave me or whether i should just not take it. i dont have to take it. i could always take a couple of haldol with me on vacation this weekend in case of emergency. i should sleep ok on vacation though. i cant imagine i’ll have trouble sleeping. i’ll have my mom and sister in the apartment with me so i wont be alone. plus i’ll probably drink some alcohol so that will put me to sleep as well. my pa kristen will be here tomorrow morning at 8:30 AM. we have to clean the house. i dont have anything else that i really need to do. i’m going to ask her to drop me to mom and dads when we are finished. i’ll be there then until monday. well i wont be there i’ll be on vacation. i cant wait for vacation. i hope the weather is going to hold out for us. it said rain but hopefully they got it wrong. hopefully it will stay dry and we can go to the beach.
I finally got to sleep at around 5 AM. Got about 2 hours I’d say. Mom called at 7:15. It was lucky she did or otherwise I might not have woken up. I got up and dressed and had my coffee and am now anxiously waiting for my taxi to pick me up to go see dr. Barry.
I have a knot in my stomach. Its like this huge ball of fear and anxiousness. The tension is massive. I just hope I can make it through this morning.
Cant sleep can sleep. Cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to Karen this morning. My thoughts are racing. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. My anxiety is through the roof. Feeling so nauseous like I want to throw up. Emotions all over the place. Is anyone awake? Could really use some support.
its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.
i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.
why is night time so hard?
I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.
this week when I see dr. barry I will have to say goodbye to her social worker, Karen. Karen has been a part of my life for the past 4 years. She is a wonderful empathic social worker, great at her job, very professional, very warm, caring, compassionate, gentle, and just an awesome person. She has been part of dr. Barrys team for the past 10 years, even longer than dr. Barry has been in charge of the team. I am going to miss her so much. She knew me and Liz mostly. It was mostly the two of us who interacted with her. Some of the kids knew her too but they didnt come out directly to talk to her but they were in the background and loved her. Its going to be so hard to say goodbye. we will probably cry. we have a card for her and a little gift. i really dont want to do it, i’m sooo nervous and anxious about having to say goodbye to her. i hope dr. barry is going to stay in the room too when we say goodbye. i think she will just from the way she was last week when she said to us that she’d organised it and we talked a little about it. karen is one of the best social workers I’ve ever come across in my time as a service user of the mental health services. its just so difficult because obviously i want her to be happy, i want her to get promoted, but i just dont want to lose her from my life. that is the hard part. the feelings that brings up are difficult to ddeal with. I’m trying hard though. Trying hard to be brave. Be brave and face this challenge head on. But karen, you’ll be missed, my god you’ll be missed. And we will never forget you ever.