Vivekas poem!

hi guys

I am so happy to introduce you all to viveka! She has chosen for me to publish one of her pieces on my blog, which I am so happy to do! She writes awesome poems, so read this and if you like what you see check out her blog!

My name is Viveka Sah. I have suffered from anxiety in the past and a lot of my poems showcase those feelings of darkness, fear and the like, usually with hopeful undertones.

This is the link to my blog: Finely Wrought by Viveka

One of my poems:

STOP
Hush now.

You’re going to become everything you ever wanted to become.

You’re going to be able to do everything you ever wanted to.

Very soon.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Is that what you’ve been telling yourself

All the while that you’ve been wreaking havoc?

That you’ll get what you want.

Want.

You want so much.

You want too much.

You’ve been at this for so long, how much more do you think you can take?

How much more are you going to ask of your body?

It isn’t a machine.

And you cannot ask it to be superhuman, because, child, it isn’t.

You’re a finite resource that can and will self-destruct if you need to.

You’re broken, yet you continue with the ceaseless barrage of demands?

Of torment?

Have you ever thought that you’re asking too much?

Stop.

Rethink this whole mess.

Stay, struggle, watch everything burn if you have to.

But stop asking, stop demanding, stop insisting

Stop torturing the only thing you have.

Because, soon enough, you won’t have it anymore.

You won’t have anything but regret.

And you’ll lose yourself all over again.

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I had time with Eileen

Hi

I got to have time with Eileen this week, I like that. We talked about a lot of things and are used the punters. I never used them before. They helped me to be able to bring up memories, and they weren’t all bad memories either. Some of the more happy memories, like memories of being in preschool and the phone are used to have when I was there. We talked about the assessment and I told Eileen I am upset with Doctor Barry because she thinks I don’t take my mads because I want to stay sick but that’s not true I don’t take the medication because it makes me feel sick especially since I overdosed so many times on medication before and so when I take it it makes me feel sick like I’m gonna throw up. I do like Doctor Barry I’m just murdered her right now. I will have to talk to her and tell her that the reasons why I don’t take my medication sometimes are not the same reasons that she thinks. Right now though I don’t want to talk to her I just want to talk with Eileen. We talk about my feelings and how sometimes I feel very hopeless and very sad and like I want today. Eileen said that was very sad. She keep me some homework for the week. I’m supposed to do one activity and take time for myself and do something nice. So I think I’ll probably listen to music and look up some information about butterfly something like butterflies a lot. I know this phone is messing up and not getting all my words right I think it doesn’t understand my voice sometimes. Dictation can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes. Anyway I like having time in therapy and I hope I can have time again soon

Emily

Incident

there was a bit of an incident here today between myself and another resident. not a bad incident. but something that caused me to get a terrible fright.

this other resident is non verbal. he lives here. he’s one of the longterm clients that lives here. and he’s in a wheelchair.

i was walking down the hall with nitro on my way to class. all of a sudden i felt nitro tugging. and before i knew what was happening i went careering into Joes thats the residents name, wheelchair. obviously he couldnt tell me he was there because he cant speak! he uses his eyes to communicate, and i did find out later he was trying to let me know but since i cant see i couldnt see his attempts.

so yeah i went into his chair, and then i grabbed it because my instant reaction was oh my god its going to fall with him in it. i wasnt even thinking about well wheelchairs are heavy and it isnt like you can knock one over easily.

so i called out as i was holding the chair and nitro as well…poor nitro didnt know what was happening. so i called and two staff members came to my assistance. they sat me down and they pushed joe into the day centre, and one of them staff got me some water.

i was as white as a ghost by this stage. one of the staff members asked me what happened. at this point i wasnt sure, it was only later that i found out that nitros lead had gotten caught in the controls of joes electric chair, so i just said we had collided with one another. the other staff members went to speak with joe and tell him he had to slow down because he has a tendency to fly around in his chair.

i really felt in my heart for joe because he was all concerned about me and nitro. like i said he uses his eyes and he kept looking first at the staff member who was with me and then at me and nitro. i kept telling him i was ok and i asked him if he was ok.

luckily none of us got hurt. but i bet an incident report had to be written up. no one said it did but that is just a guess i have that probably one had to be written up about it.

I can honestly say though i’ve never needed a cup of tea more than I did after that incident! I went into the kitchen and one of my class mates offered to make it for me. i gladly accepted his offer.

later on in the afternoon the staff member who had been with me came back to see if i was definitely ok,i said sure i was and that i had just gotten a terrible scare. thats when she told me that it was actually that nitros lead had gotten stuck in the controls of joes wheelchair.
carol anne

Not finding the words

Therapy was so hard today. I have literally got no words. The session was all about Friday and the upcoming assessment. Can’t talk much about it now, can’t find the words to say when I want to say. Could use a bit of support and friendship if anyone is around, feeling a little on stable at the moment everything swirling around inside my head. Really just can’t find any words right now

Training with nitro days three and four

This week me and nitro did the route to the bus stop twice. He is getting much better at finding the bus stop for me. I am using food as an incentive and it is working like a dream. He found the bus stop on the first day with a bit of coaxing, I gave him a treat once he found it. Today I forgot to bring the treats with me. I told him to find the bus and he found the bus stop brought me to the seat and then looked at my hand for a treat. He’s so funny. I’m so proud of him he’s doing a great job my confidence is also growing and I feel in another few days I’ll have this part of the roof complete and I will be able to do it successfully on my own. My trainer Natalie is coming out on 11 December, I hope she will be proud of all the hard work we are doing. I think sometimes people think when you’re blind and you’re using a guy dog that you can just get from one place to another easily, that there is no work involved in it that the dog does everything but that’s not true, you have to know where you’re going, the dog is only there to guide you around obstacles, he won’t do anything else, you need to know yourself exactly where it is you’re going.

socs nov 18th so a little late-Oi!

Oi, sup people! Its me with another installment of my crazy life. i’m very very tired! but unable to sleep. i decided that maybe if i shouwered sleep might come you know warm water, relaxation time, etc? but no! not a hope! where am i going wrong! its either no sleep or sound sleep but no inbetween! at least i have the prazazin to try now though, along with a sleep med, zimovane! for four nights dr. barry has prescribed zimovane, so i hope that will help too. i just took my night meds a couple minutes ago. think i will go watch a little tv before i go to bed. not sure what i should watch though. maybe fuller house, or just full house the old show, thats light, and nice and tame. and i need tame! no triggers before bed! tomorrow i am making my xmas cake. i am excited. i wont ice it tomorrow but the main cake will be made. i’ll be sure and post a picture! so watch out for it tomorrow at some point. its been a pretty productive week so far this week on the ILS course. we did team work, personal effectiveness, career preparation, and tomorrow we’ll have health and nutrition, they are cooking soup again though, i’m like i dont want to cook soup again! so many of them on the course wont eat anything they are plain eaters, so a lot of recipes are out but i’m lucky, i get to cook my own stuff so thats good i get to make what i want and i plan on making a lot of different foods. i plan on making chili, and spaghetti bolognes, and lasagna, and red pepper and butternut squash soup, and shepherds pie, and pasta bake, and casserole too! as well as a few cakes and other delicious gooddies thrown in for good measure! do you like to cook or bake? do you have any favourite shows on tv right now or from the past? are you a night owl or a morning person?
catch yall soon guys! ❤ xxx

volunteering

I’m in the middle of volunteering at cork city partnership right now. I’m really tired today. I almost fell asleep during my digital media class this morning. I went to bed around 2 AM and I managed to sleep, and I slept so soundly once I dropped off that I never woke up until one of the staff came in at 7:30 to call me. Even then I struggled to get out of bed.
So I’m pretty wrecked today. My eyes just keep closing. Its terrible.
I’m not too busy this afternoon though. So thats good at least.
I’m on reception…answering the phones and typing up emails and things.
I love this volunteer job. I love the people here. They’re all so lovely.
I get treated so respectfully and it feels so good, like I am a part of their team.
I’m finishing up here at 4:30 and going to mom and dads for something to eat before heading out to college for 7 PM.
I’ll get back to abode for about 10:30 pm.
Hoping I can manage to stay awake until then.
carol anne