About Emily

Well, Em had a bad night. She was struggling a lot tonight.  She finally got some sleep and she is now sleeping. But I am wide awake.  I am worried about her. She has been so depressed lately.  Its such a worry. We that is myself and liz, and jade, have been trying to help her best as we can.  The thing is though, she doesnt want to talk to us.  She keeps everything to herself.  Jade lives with her, in the area inside where Emily lives, and she has said she’ll keep an eye on her.  I worry when she is so suicidal. She can be quite impulsive.  And she has an ability to block the rest of us from knowing what she’s doing, and she can block us from having control of the body, if she wants to as well, I need to try to keep focused, and keeping a close eye on whose out, what they are doing when they are out etc.  I’ve told emily she isnt to come out if she feels suicidal, unless myself or Liz or Jade are close by to watch her.  She has agreed to this.  I’ve taken all of our meds, and hid them.  The last thing I want is for her to get hold of our meds and take the whole lot, which is something that could easily happen when she gets the urge to die and because she is so impulsive at times.  Her depression debilitates her.  You can tell, just from looking at her that she’s not ok.  Did you ever walk into a room with someone whose depressed and the energy in the room feels awful?  The air is heavy, the atmosphere is heavy?  That is how it is here when Emilys out.  She says she feels flat, and she has no energy to care.  thats the worry, when she has no energy to care.  i’ve told her she can write to people, on our email list, and on our blog over the next few days for support and she said she would do that.  she’ll also talk to eileen on monday I hope.  I’ve emailed eileen to fill her in on the situation.  Just one more day to get through before we see eileen.  Thank god.

From Emily: I am so broken..so, done with life

hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am  in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
butterfly hugs,
love
emily age 12

morning post

surprisingly, i slept well last night. i didnt think i would. so when i did, it was a huge surprise.

I woke up at 6:30. My mom was also awake and she was getting up so I got up with her.

Its just gone 7:30 now.

Its a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining. Its so nice to see it.

I fed Nitro and let him out and spent some time chatting to my mom and stuff.

No plans for today really, other than maybe going to my aunts house this evening, if the weather stays good.

There is a game of bingo being played outside, with all the neighbours, so mom and me and my aunt thought we’d go and play. mom can play for me.

we’ll maintain strict social distancing while we’re there. but it’ll be fun. nice to get out and have a bit of a laugh.

the prizes are small but you do win some money if you win.

If it stays sunny I might take Nitro for a walk later on this morning.

Other than that though i have no palans today. I’ll just relax, and chill out.

My friend was tested last night for covid19

so my friend norma was tested for covid19 last night. the ambulance came to her house to test her. they arrived at 10:15 pm. thats pretty fucking late if you ask me, she was in bed and they rang her to say they were outside her door. so she had to get up and answer them and they came in all gowned up and did the test.  they also checked her blood pressure, blood sugar, oxygen levels, and temperature. all were normal. so they said it is likely that she doesnt have the virus, but they couldnt say for sure.  she should have her results either late tonight or  if not then it will be monday.  she rang me after they left because I told her to call me once she’d been tested.  she said she felt headachy and weak, but other than the headache and some pain in her legs she is feeling ok today.  the ambulance guy said she may have another virus, not corona, but some other one.  she was worried that I was mad at her, i told her I wasnt.  she didnt know she might have it, if she did know she wouldnt have let me come over.  I know that.  she is just not that type of person that she’d put others at risk of becoming sick.  anyway. i hope she will be ok. and that the test was negative.  fingers crossed for a positive result.

Forgotten

dark feelings

come, and go

not forgotten

throughout each day

feelings spike

especially at night

memories of hard things

threaten to overwhelm

i sit with the memories

try to distract

so that

they dont kill me

some days are hard

some nights also

but I always get through

my spirit is stronger

than any feelings i might have

 

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/05/21/forgotten/

Emotional overwhelm

I am feeling so emotional. I am sitting here with my coffee, and I am crying. I hate life sometimes. I really do.
I got a flashback and it freaked me out. It sent me reeling.
Memories fucking suck so much. I hate them. I want to go numb. I want to disappear. I want this pain to end.
Why? Why do I suffer so much trauma?
I feel so dead. So much pain in my heart and in my head.

Up and about

I am up and about again. Its just gone 4 AM.
I couldnt sleep. I only went to bed at 1 AM. I only slept for 2.5 hours.
Its very frustrating. I wish I was able to settle for longer. I didnt even nap yesterday afternoon, in fact I stayed awake all day and evening, I’d been up since 6 AM yesterday morning.
I made a coffee and put the radio on.
I had better go take my morning meds. Or is it too early? I dont know. I suppose it isnt.
I’ve been struggling to remember my meds. That could be part of the problem.
At least my internet works. Thank god.