An important meeting

I have a very important meeting this afternoon. I’m super anxious about it.

I am going to the local university,to meet the director of adult education to discuss my complaints I had with the college course I did last year.

I had complaints with the coordinator, and there were also access issues with canvas, and I am trying to appeal one of my grades.

My friend Denise is also meeting them with me. We’re hoping that the director will be able to do something about the coordinator. She was very bad about getting back to us, she never answered emails or texts in a timely manner, and she gave us very little support when it came to the course work etc.

Hopefully it will all go well. Either way, I’ll have said my piece. Thats all I wanted, was to be able to say what my issues were, and get it out there.

If anythings done about it after that, its a bonus.

Application for more PA hours

So the public health nurse came out to me yesterday, and she helped me to apply for more PA hours. We went through everything together, and she filled out all of the forms that she needed to fill. She went through all of my history also before filling them out, as she had never met me before. We decided to use my did as the primary disability, since I struggle more with that, and my other mental illnesses, than I do with my blindness. Of course, we did also include my blindness, and we also put down my other health issues, like epilepsy, diabetes and asthma.

We talked about what I wanted to use the extra hours for if I get them, and I told her I’d use them for doing housework, socialising and going to appointments, etc. So she decided to ask for 3 extra hours for me per week. I already get 7 hours so 3 extra would be great and if I got those I’d be very happy.

So we’ll see what happens. She was going back to the office to speak to her manager, and see what she would say. It will be up to her whether the forms need to go in or whether they can just call the agency who delivers my pa services, and talk to them directly without actually putting in the application at all.

She said they’d be in touch with me once they know more. I hope thats soon. I have a feeling I’ll be waiting a while, though.

FEAR AND APPREHENSION

ITS LIZ. I HAVE A LOT OF FEAR IN ME RIGHT NOW. I FEAR EVERYTHING, AND EVERYONE. ITS HARD TO ADMIT TO IT. I AM NORMALLY A STRONG PERSON. NORMALLY I’D JUST SAY, FUCK IT. I WOULDNT LET FEAR RULE ME. I WOULDNT GIVE IN TO IT.

BUT THIS LATEST CONTACT LAST WEEK FROM A PAST ABUSER HAS SHAKEN ME, I FEEL UNSAFE, UNSAFE IN OUR HOME. IT FEELS HARD. ITS HARD TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. ITS HARD TO COPE. ITS HARD TO SOOTHE THE KIDS, THEY GET SO FREAKED OUT, AND TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, WE’RE ALL FREAKING OUT, KIDS, TEENS, AND ADULTS.

WE ARE NERVOUS TO GO OUTSIDE. EVEN LETTING NITRO OUT, WE’RE NERVOUS. WE’RE NERVOUS IN CASE SOMEONE COULD BE OUTSIDE WATCHING US. I KNOW THAT SEEMS REALLY IRRATIONAL. I MEAN, MORE THAN LIKELY NOBODY IS GOING TO BE OUT THERE. BUT BEING BLIND, ITS HARD, WE CANT SEE TO SEE SOMEONE IF THEY ARE.

I GUESS I AM JUST VERY SPOOKED, AND SCARED. WE’RE ONLY GETTING 3 HOURS OF SLEEP AT A TIME. WE’RE CONSTANTLY ON HIGH ALERT. ITS HORRIBLE AND AN AWFUL WAY TO SURVIVE AND LIVE. I WISH IT WASNT THIS WAY. BUT I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CHANGE THINGS.

I’M JUST HOPING WHEN WE SEE EILEEN TODAY THAT WE CAN TALK TO HER. I PLAN ON TALKING TO HER ABOUT ALL OF IT. IF ANYONE CAN HELP, SHE CAN. I’M SURE OF IT. SHE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE FAITH IN HER.
LIZ

Trepidation

With shaking hands
and a pounding heart
I link your arm
you guide me in to your office
we sit down
and start to talk
I’ve never met you before
but you tell me there is no pressure to talk to you
that I should only
tell you what I feel comfortable to talk about
you are honest with me
telling me you don’t know much about did
I appreciate the honesty
it helps me feel safe
I begin to open up
Trusting that you can help
You will know what to do
With much trepidation
I tentatively start to talk
And before I know it
I’ve said so much
But your so easy to talk to
One day
You’ll make a fine doctor
You have what it takes
Thank you for making me
Feel so comforted and at ease today

Appointment with Dr. Barry didnt go to plan

So well, I went to see Dr. barry. But I didnt actually see her. I had to see a junior doctor, her name was Jennifer. She was extremely nice, very friendly. I never knw Dr. Barry wouldnt be there today. She didnt know either it seems. Jennifer told me one of Dr. Barrys team passed away suddenly and Dr. Barry was attending the funeral this morning, thats why she wasnt at her outpatient clinic. When Jennifer called me I first said to her that I wasnt going to see her. But then when she told me the circumstances and why she was calling me instead of Dr. Barry I decided I’d give her a chance. And I am so glad I did. It was so worth it. She said I didnt have to tell her stuff if I wasnt comfortable, that there would be no pressure and that I could just tell her what I wanted to, what I felt comfortable talking about. That put me at ease right away, so much so that I did end up telling her a lot of stuff. I told her about the abuser contacting us, and how distressing that was for me. She sympathised, and said how sorry she was that that had happened. I told her I had did, and she said that she had never met anyone with it, and she knew very little about it. But she was open, and she didnt try to stop me from talking about alters, about symptoms of did, etc. She let me say exactly what I wanted to say. For that I am very grateful. I told her about Emilys distress lately, about how she’s been throwing up after we eat. I’m not sure if I mentioned that here or not. I may have, but I am not sure if I did. So anyway, we talked about sleep, she was very interested in hearing about our sleep issues. We did ask her to refer us to the weekend team, but she said she’d need to ask the consultant who was covering for Dr. Barry. So she left the room to ask her, and I waited. When she came back, she said that they’d decided that on wednesday, she’d speak to Dr. Barry. Since she knows me, they wanted to leave it up to her as to whether she wanted to refer me to the weekend team. So she’s going to talk to her on wednesday and then if she refers me the team will contact me at the weekend. I said I was ok with that plan of action. I’d rather Dr. Barry makes the referral anyway, because she knows my history and she’ll know what issues to put on the referal form. I have another appointment to see Dr. Barry in two weeks. But Jennifer told me that if I did get suicidal or wanting to self harm, to either present to my GP or else go to the emergency room to be seen. I said I would. We did discuss suicidal thoughts, since we’ve been having those too lately. And since the contact last week, they’ve gotten worse. I told her I was seeing Eileen tomorrow, and we’ll discuss all of this stuff. Thank god for Eileen. Where would I be without her? I dont actually know how I’d cope. I probably would be in the hospital now if I didnt have her. She’s a life saver and I am so grateful to have her. I do hope Dr. Barry refers me to the weekend team. Or else maybe she’ll ask Sarah to call me. I wont know until later in the week what the outcome will be. But I am glad I decided to give Jennifer a chance. I’ve decided that she’s going to make a really good doctor. She seems so open and willing to learn. Thats how a doctor should be. Some arent though. I am sad we didnt see dr. barry today though. But that couldnt be helped. Usually if she wasnt going to be there someone would call me to let me know. They must have forgot. Its ok though, I managed, I am actually very proud of myself for seeing ennifer, that was huge for me. I never see junior doctors. That was a big step for me to take, but I’m happy I did it.

NOT DOING SO WELL

HI GUYS
ITS LIZ HERE. WE DIDNT MENTION IT HERE BUT…
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, ONE OF OUR MAIN ABUSERS, CONTACTED US VIA PHONE, AND EMAIL. THEY TRIGGERED RUBY AND SASSY, WHO IN TURN WROTE EILEEN, VERY UPSET. THEY WERE VERY DISTRESSED. AND VERY TRIGGERED.
THEY ARE ONLY 13, BOTH OF THEM ARE 13. WE SPENT THURSDAY NIGHT IN AGONY, IN SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND IN A HIGHLY TRIGGERED STATE.
SO ON FRIDAY WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS PLACE. WE WERE GOING THERE ANYWAY, BUT THE FACT THAT THIS HAPPENED, MADE US WANT TO GET OUT OF OUR OWN HOUSE, AND GO TO OUR PARENTS TO BE SAFE. WE JUST WANTED TO FEEL SAFE.
WE HAVENT HAD ANY MORE CONTACT, SINCE WE GOT BACK HOME. THANK FUCK! I WAS SO SCARED TO COME BACK HOME! I AM AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS, AS YOU WOULD BE. I MEAN, THEY DID AWFUL THINGS TO US, AND I AM AFRAID OF THEM.
TOMORROW WELL TODAY NOW AS ITS ALREADY MONDAY MORNING HERE, WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY. I AM PLANNING ON SPEAKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. I AM PLANNING ON ASKING HER FOR SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AS OUR MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD LATELY. THE ANXIETY HAS BEEN SUPER BAD, AND THIS LATEST INCIDENT OF CONTACT FROM AN ABUSER HASNT HELPED IT.
I AM GOING TO ASK HER IF SHE’LL EITHER PUT SUPPORT IN FROM THE WEEKEND TEAM, OR FROM OUR CPN SARAH. THE WEEKEND TEAM ARE A MENTAL HEALTH TEAM WHO CONTACT YOU OVER THE WEEKEND, THEY’LL CALL TO YOUR HOUSE, TO SUPPORT YOU. THEY CAN ALSO GIVE SUPPORT OVER THE PHONE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS GOING TO GET TOUGH. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH IN ILL HEALTH. MOM HAS COPD, AND MY DAD HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS, BRITTLE BONES, ARTERITIS, AND HE CAN BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE AROUND AT TIMES.
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY HOME SOME WEEKENDS, AND NOT GO TO THEIR HOUSE.
I STILL WANT TO DO THAT. BUT I CANT HAVE ALTERS BEING TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CALLING, AND MAYBE EVEN SHOWING UP AT OUR DOOR. THE LITTLES WOULD OPEN IT WITHOUT HESITATION, THANK GOD EILEEN IS WORKING WITH THEM ON NOT DOING THAT.
BUT IF THE WEEKEND TEAM GAVE US SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AT LEAST WE’D HAVE THEM CALLING AND CHECKING IN ON US. WHICH WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.
I’M PRETTY SURE DR. BARRY WILL APPROVE THAT SUPPORT. SHE KNOWS WE WOULDNT ASK UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT, OR WE WERE DESPERATE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TODAY. WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOMS ILLNESS, ABOUT APPLYING FOR MORE PA HOURS, AND ABOUT THIS MOST RECENT CONTACT, ABOUT OUR SLEEP, EMOTIONAL STATE, ETC.
I FIND MYSELF JUMPING AT EVERY SOUND. I AM LISTENING OUT FOR UNKNOWN SOUNDS. WHEN I HEAR ANY UNFAMILIAR SOUND, I AM STARTING TO SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY. I AM SO FEARFUL. ITS NO WAY TO BE OR LIVE.
SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT!
I’LL LET YA’LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON WHEN WE SEE DR. BARRY!
LIZ

Feeling better, have calmed down now!

So I’m calmer now. The rage from earlier that I felt has subsided.

I face timed sarah, in colorado, and that helped. We talked for over 2 hours!

It was nice. We commiserated with each other, so I vented all of my anger and got it all out of my system, lol.

Plus I had 2 cups of strong coffee also! I needed the caffeine! I was so annoyed it was not good!

Now my plan is to go watch some tv, I want to watch operation transformation, that I missed last Wednesday because I fell asleep while it was on. Thats on for an hour. I’m a little anxious but am hoping if I sit down in front of the TV and try to wind down that the anxiety and anxious feelings will pass.

I guess we’ll see what happens. I can hope, right?