Saturdays goals

So my goals for saturday are:

take meds
eat 3 healthy and balanced meals
exercise for 20 to 30 minutes
go visit my friend
read my book
watch irelands got talent, to relax in the evening
get a nap in if I can


the last couple of days

so the last couple of days have been sort of ok i guess.
i am still depressed but trying to manage it as best as i can.
eileen says now that our dissociative walls are coming down a little more, that things effect us more, for example pixie’s low mood lately is now effecting both me and liz.
i think she’s right. i hadnt thought of that though.
i’ve had the week off from the ILS course. but i sorta wish i didnt. i’d have prefered to be busy. it keeps my mind from wandering into awful places.
yesterday was therapy day. therapy was very intense. but good. we mostly talked about our mood, and we decided for now we are going to back up a little and not work on memories so much because they were starting to overwhelm us.
we stayed in our mom and dads house last night. we went there yesterday after therapy and spent the day there and had dinner with them and then decided last night to spend the night.
other than that its been a pretty quiet few days.
carol anne

Song of the day. Beauty from pain

I picked this song today because of how I am feeling.
I love the band super chick. I love this song in particular.
It gives me hope that things wont always be this bad, that I wont always feel so depressed and hopeless.

dr. barry

saw dr. barry this morning. it went well.
we talked about the depression and low mood.
she said she thinks something is triggering it, perhaps something that happened during the did reassessment.
i said i wasnt sure but maybe that could be it.
i told her that i am managing it for now. i didnt want to go in to the hospital. i want to try to get through it on my own, in the community.
she agreed with me. she said to keep doing the things i am doing that help me cope with it.
i said blogging had really helped me lately. that everyone on my blog had been so supportive. and so helpful with their lovely comments.
we also talked some about therapy and about insiders who havent worked with eileen before now starting to trust her and work with her. she congradulated us on that.
it was a very good appointment. i was happy to get her perspective on things.
carol anne

And yeah depression…

has set in. I just feel so defeated.
I really cant deal. I am so overwhelmed. I really cant wait until tomorrow to see dr. barry. I need the apt. I need to talk this out. If I can, that is.
I am also seeing my OT mark tomorrow morning. I used to see him once a month. but since I started the ILS course we don’t see each other much. But he’s always only a phone call away.
Tomorrow will be our first apt in a while. Its just a general catch up.
I just feel so blah tonight. Everything feels like its going in slow motion. I feel very sluggish and slowed down. I don’t feel like doing anything. I need to shower for tomorrow. I put the hot water on but I don’t feel like getting in the shower. I just want to curl up and hide.
I will shower later on because I know its the right things to do so I don’t smell bad. I don’t want to go to see dr. barry and smell bad and look dirty because I didn’t shower.
I’m just on a bit of a downward spiral. And I cant seem to pull myself out of it.
so much for having a week off. If I knew it was going to be this bad I wouldn’t have wanted a week off. I hate when my mood is so bad. It is just so all consuming.
I decided on Thursday I will go to the basement club. I haven gone there since I started on the ILS course. They will think I don’t want to come in any more. Truth is though I haven’t had time. I haven’t had any time off to just go there and call in to see everyone. I am looking forward to doing tha tthis Thursday and possibly Friday too.

I didnt go

I didn’t go volunteering today. I just couldn’t.
My mood never picked up. I felt really really off. Just was feeling overwhelmed, very much so.
So I called the office and told them I wouldn’t be in.
And then I went to bed. And I actually slept for like 3 hours. And now that I did that I am feeling a little bit better.
Not 100 percent better, but a little at least.
When I woke up I ate something. And then I made a cup of tea.
I think I just have to be nice to myself today. Do a little self care.
Tomorrow I will see dr. Barry. I am thinking I really need to see her. I am actually pretty excited for my apt tomorrow.
Hopefully it will help and I will feel much better after it.

triggers defused!

well ya’ll will be happy to know, I am no longer feeling triggered. Big sigh!
So thrilled, mostly I managed to defuse it on my own.
I watched tv, and later in the evening I took a hot shower.
I washed with my fave soap and glory shower gel, it smells soooo good!
It grounded me. I felt so much better after the shower.
Nothing like a hot shower to soothe your soul.
I cuddled with nitro, I read the blogs of some of you, I still have a lot to catch up on but I am slowly getting through the posts.
Its almost 1 AM. I doubt I sleep tonight. I think I got way too much sleep this weekend. I slept a lot. Its ok though if I don’t sleep tonight. I wont worry about it.
Tomorrow is an easyish day. I do need to go volunteering though. I’ll get there though. I’ll manage even if I don’t sleep much tonight.
Just happy I defused the triggers on my own.