PA stuff

so i’ve emailed the people who provide my PA service this morning. I was clear in the email about what I need in a PA going forward.
The person in the office said they’d try their best to get me someone that will suit my needs. Kristen finishes with me on Thursday. I dont want to be without a PA but I fear I may be without someone for a couple of weeks.
I told the office I need someone who can provide a driving service if that is possible. Otherwise it will get expensive paying for taxi’s to and from the grocery store. Yes we pay the PA for gas but what we pay the PA is minimal compared to the expense of getting a taxi.
So we shall see. Only time will tell if I get someone who drives or not.
I really am hoping for a good match. Who I get is important to me. Its important I can relate to them and I am able to get along with them. Their personality traits are important to me.

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no college tonight and other things

so i found out that the college i go to is closed today. so i have no classes tonight. so that gives me time to get caught up on my reflective learning journal, of which i have two weeks to catch up on, but am i doing that? noooo, of course I’m not. I’m procrastinating.
Kristen came this morning…it was her second last day of working with us. She did some cleaning, went to starbux for us, and helped us make breakfast. we got a pumpkin spice latte in starbux. it was delicious, my first one of the season.
i decided to go stay with mom and dad tonight and tomorrow night. i’m going to see dr. barry tomorrow morning, and then in the afternoon I’m going to a conference on mental health, run by the counselling service at the basement club. my friend norma is coming with me. it should be good. the theme of it is mind your mind.
i read this morning on facebook that another storm is set to hit us at the weekend. not as bad as ophelia but still bad enough with high winds and lots of rain. thats all we need…

one week to go

so i only have one week to go before we start the independent living skills course. with each day that passes i get more and more excited. this is a great opportunity. not only do i gain skills but i am in a supported environment with other disabled people and staff to help me. this is great and i think we will really benefit from being there. i know the staff arent trained in handling mental health difficulties, but they do know we have did and ptsd, and they are ok with it. we can tell them things like that we feel anxious, etc. we dont have to tell them the full extent of things if we get triggered, so as not to freak them out completely. im hoping though we dont get triggered too often. there are two other people there who have mental illnesses as well. both of them are in wheelchairs. i know they struggle because they both told me. i’ve been preparing for going, getting laundry ready, fixing up my house etc. the great thing is they have transportation there, so it means i will be able to keep my apt to see dr. barry because they will take me there. I will also be able to continue my volunteering as well as part of the course. I was delighted about that. I didnt want to give up volunteering! so yeah just so excited. there is also a nervous anxiousness running through my body!
carol anne

Big feelings

I am cloaked in pain
sadness
swamped and sinking
under its heavy weight
it feels insurmountable
like i’ll never recover
why does it have to feel this way?
so big, so painful
feeling so alone
I start to panic
can I do this?
Will I survive?
Or will the pain win?

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/cloaked/

Change

i cant quite believe next week will be my last week with my current pa kristen. we’ve worked together for a year and a half.
it will be sad to lose her. she is a really nice person. i’m nervous about who will replace her, will i like them, etc.
we shall see i guess. only time will tell.
change is hard. i dont much like it.
oh well, i will just enjoy the last couple of days with kristen. we’re still gonna keep in touch on facebook, and we’ll still meet up for coffee and stuff like that.

Talking through my anxieties around starting the independent living skills course with dr. barry

i had a great apt with dr. barry yesterday. we mostly talked about me starting the independent living skills course. i told her i have been trying to implement some things so that uncontrollable switching does not occur during the day while we are working on the classes, because the staff at the residential centre where I’ll be living are only trained to work with disabled people, they arent trained to work with mental illness. although there will be at least 3 of us with mental illnesses living there. i know this because two of the other girls who live there told me they struggle with mental illnesses. but anyways. i dont want the younger parts coming out at inappropriate times. i am going to work next week in therapy on implementing some strategies to avoid this if i can. i will make a team of insiders me and a few others, who will participate in the classes during the day. i think that will be the best thing to do. then the kids can come out in the evenings when we’re alone in our apartment. they can watch tv, play games on our phone, blog etc. that way its fair and everyone gets to have time out in the body. dr. barry thought this was a great idea. we talked about my anxiety around starting. i am a little anxious but i suppose thats to be expected. i know there is going to be six of us doing the course, 3 guys and 3 girls. the thing I am most anxious about is using public transport. I just have no confidence, despite my trainer nathalie telling me that she thinks i’d be fine and be able to do it with no problems. when my mental illness got severe some years back i stopped doing routes with my dog, i didnt go anywhere alone, i always took a taxi places etc. i’m determined that on this independent living skills course that I will change this. I want my independence back again, plus also if I dont tackle it now, when it comes time for Nitro to retire they will not give me a new dog. I just have to be brave and face my fears head on. Wish me luck guys.

Struggle

i’m struggling this morning. I haven’t slept. I couldn’t. I was having flashbacks. the system was in distress. things were chaotic. we were remembering awful things. I cant even write the words, I don’t even know if I can find the words when I go to Eileen in 90 mins. i’ll try I guess. its so hard sometimes. my words get lost. flaot away. its such a struggle to talk. open up and talk. I want to but I cant. ug I hate it. I am just feeling a little bit unsettled this morning. I have showered, that helped a little. I’m going to call my mom soon. just to hear another voice. I feel like I am the only person in the world awake. even tho its 8 am. thank you all for all your kind comments tonight. they have really helped me more than yall know.
carol anne