I feel like shit. My mood plummeted. Really quickly.
I feel low, so so low.
Suicidal, impulsive, scared I might do something irrational.
Its hard to think. Its hard to put it into words.
I feel like shit and I feel like a failure. I can do nothing right.
Good morning everyone
I woke up at 8 so decided to get up. even tho i only went to bed at 3 AM. no point in staying in bed and sleeping on a hot day, it wastes the day in my opinion.
i have no plans for today. my dad just took nitro for a walk. he always does that when i am visiting. he has his own dog called biggie, a bullstaff, he walks him too his dog is his life he likes to walk him and so when nitros here he doesnt miss out and goes for walks too.
i intend on catching up on my blogs for the morning and then we’ll see after that.
so you remember i went on respite in may, for four nights? to abode, which is a centre for people with sensory and physical disabilities? and the time i spent there went very well. nitro was treated well. i was treated well. we enjoyed ourselves very much. tonight i got a phone call from one of the senior staff, asking me if I’d like to come again in July for four nights. I jumped at the chance. So I’ll be going from July 17th until July 21st. The nice thing about respite is that I can basically do what I want, ifI want to stay in my room thats ok, there is a tv in my room, if I want to come down to the main lounge and watch tv with the other residents i can do that too. I like to take nitro for walks in the park. He likes meeting other dogs and playing with them. My PA kristen will come one of the days and we’ll go out for coffee and to look around some of the stores in the big shopping mall that is nearby. I wont see eileen or dr. barry the week of respite. I might have a phone check in with eileen though. thats what we did last time. i’ll have my own apartment, which is lovely. you should see the beds they have, you can control them, they go up and down, you can raise your head and shoulders, you can raise your legs, its awesome. Hopefully I can arrange to meet some friends, as well, on one of the nights.
I’m happy I get this opportunity. Its doing wonders for my mental health.
so, i kind of laxed on asking a daily question for a few days, what can I say, life got hectic.
Well, since I’m experiencing heat exhaustion and being warm and not tolerating it very well I thought I’d ask a question surrounding hot summer days.
so my question to you is:
On a hot sunny day, what is your favourite way to cool down?
tonight i really would love to contact eileen. i havent but god i want to. the main reason i havent is because of last time i did. last weekend i contacted her to ask her about our session time, because i genuinely forgot the time of the session, since she changed it at the last minute. so i texted her. in session on monday she asked me about it, and casually she said i am wondering why you did that and on a sunday, you dont normally do that? as soon as she said it i immediately felt so embarressed. she’s right, i would normally not contact her on the weekend. she asked me if i’d been struggling and just needed to have her reassurance, and i wanted to say no, but i couldnt, because the anser was yes.
its so hard, the boundaries, and knowing what is and isnt appropriate as far as contact, she isnt restricting me contacting her, but she said she just needs to hold good boundaries, because of the fact that I havent had consistency in my life around holding boundaries and around what is and isnt appropriate.
all very well, but when your desperate, all that goes out the window!
tonight I feel desperate. the little parts need to be heard. they need to be soothed. they feel sad. i dont know why they’re alone and sad, but i feel the intensity of the ache in my heart, and it hurts to breathe.
and i want to email or text eileen. but i’m scared to. what if she gets angry if i do it. what if she wants a break from me, what if I’m too much? what if, what if. i suppose i could email, after all at least with an email its not instant, she can read it when she wants or has time to.
so hard to know what to do for the best but I just know the young parts of me crave a mom and not our bio mom because they do not consider her their mom!
Any advice on what to do would be appreciated!
so the last few days have been busy for me. the weathers been absolutely amazing here, sunny and warm, in fact too warm at times.
I pulled out all of my summer clothes, shorts, stringy tops, and had to end up wearing a pair of shorts and string top to bed last night, as well as sleeping with no covers on me it was that warm. dont forget that its quite unheard of here in ireland to get temps past 18 or 19 c or low 70’s f.
i had a relief PA yesterday, instead of my regular PA. I knew her, she has done relief for me before, so that was ok, she’s nice, and she got everything done that needed doing.
My regular PA went to see Justin bieber with her daughter on Wednesday night, so she took Yesterday and today off of work.
I didnt see dr. Barry this week. I should have saw her, but I did not want to spend a long time waiting in the hospital on wednesday morning, I felt kinda sick, so I canceled the apt until next week, I already got a phone call from her secretary with my apt for next wednesday, so that is good, I’ll also get my trevicta injection then.
I’ll be at my parents house for the weekend came here this afternoon, was going to spend it at home on my own but my mom said she’d prefer me to be with them, I think she knew I was kind of struggling a little, although I hadnt said anything to her about it.
The littles are so happy, they got a big package with 30 movies in it this week, they were so excited to get their own mail it was so sweet to watch them open it. We got them cheap on ebay.
My wasp issue seems to be sorted, they just disappeared, not sure how but so glad they did.
No other updates really, hope everyone has a great weekend.