I slept for a few hours, but I kept waking up because I kept hearing people in the hallways shouting. Mom slept all night. She has been waking a little for a minute or two but she’s been mostly asleep. I am hopeful tomorrow she will be fully better, she said she feels wrecked, and I’m not surprised at that at all. I think I managed to get about four hours of sleep. I lay down at around 9 PM, by the time I got to sleep it was about 10:30. I woke up again at about 1:45. I’ll probably stay up now. I dont think I can get back to sleep. 3 or 4 hours does me anyway, so I’m not too worried if I dont go back to sleep. I woke up so thirsty, thank god for diet coke! I had two bottles of it and have almost finished them! The room feels so warm, we have the wondow open but the room still feels very muggy. Dont really know what we’re doing today, it really depends on how well mom is. Its going to be a long night I think. All is quiet outside now though in the hallway I mean. So thats good at least.
Nights are A scary time for me
Ghosts from my past
Tell me things
Whisper in my ear
I think crazy thoughts
Cant quite stop them
Even though I want to
Sleep does not come
No matter what I do
Held together with superglue
I sit, wait
For the night to end
For the daylight to return
Will I be
Ok, safe, happy
Or is it just me?
I woke up early, like 4 AM early. I had a fitful sleep and tossed and turned all night.
I decided to just get up. Made some bacon and had breakfast, now having a cup of coffee and trying to start my day.
I have a bit of a migraine. Im sure coffee wont help it. But oh well. Maybe its just a bad headache and not a migraine.
Did anyone else have trouble sleeping last night?
My thoughts were racing. I couldn’t settle down no matter what I tried.
I finished my current book, daddys little soldier by Maggie Hartley. It was a great read. I’ll do a review of it later on today.
So I got woken by gusty winds. Its wild out there guys! Really wild!
Now I cant go back to sleep! I keep thinking weird things! Frightening thoughts. Scary scary thoughts. I hate this!
Its 3:41 AM. I’m wide awake. So might as well make a cup of something, chose to make some coffee.
I’m kinda nervous about our therapy session this morning. I wonder how it will go. I get anxious just before session a lot. But because we didn’t show up last time, and I know Eileen wants to get to the bottom of it as to why, that’s making me a little more anxious than usual.
I trust Eileen though. I know if anyone can get the full story as to what is up she can. I just have to leave her to it. She is kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, she will help whoever is scared of therapy right now to talk about why.
Well better go drink my coffee before it gets cold. I hate cold coffee. 😛
I’m a bit of a night owl. I’m always up late. Always awake into the early hours.
I am currently watching tv. I am watching doctor in the house, a show where these doctors help people to change their lives around, this couple on tv now are both obese, and they are tryihng to change their eating patterns and stuff. Its an interesting show to watch.
Considering I was obese, and still am to a degree, I find shows like this helpful, and informative, my BMI is gone from 44 to 38 now but that’s still so high for my height and age.
My goal is to bring it down to a normal range, which for me is between 17 and 25, so I hope I can do it. I am really trying hard to do it.
I had my evening snack, I had an apple, a kiwi, and some oranges, and I was going to go on the treadmill, but decided to wait until tomorrow morning to go on it.
Right now I am hoping I will sleep tonight. It is looking kinda unlikely to be honest.
Im having real trouble with my sleep pattern lately. I don’t sleep enough, I cant go to sleep, cant settle down at night, no matter what I try to do.
I don’t want to take a sleep med and risk being groggy the next morning from it.
So I will have to grin and bear it and hope for the best!
So I am glad its the weekend. Very glad. I slept great last night. I always sleep better when at my parents house. Not sure why that is, maybe its that I just feel a lot safer here.
I was ment to be going out with my mom this afternoon, we were going to go to a local lake and walk around there for a while, bring some lunch and just spend a couple hours there.
However the weather is really not that great. Its very windy, and rain is forecast for later this afternoon. So we scrapped that plan. I am now going to go to my friend normas house instead.
She has a birthday present for me. I cant wait to see what it is!
So will go spend a few hours just hang out with her and then will be coming back to mom and dads and going to just chill for the rest of my saturday.
What is everyone else up to?
OMG GUYS! IM STRUGGLING SO DAMN MUCH TONIGHT! CANT COPE WITH THIS LEVEL OF FUCKING ANXIETY! IM REALLY FREAKED OUT! I JUST CANT DEAL! IT FEELS LIKE I’M ABOUT TO EXPLODE! MY HEAD IS SO FULL, BUZZING WITH THOUGHTS, MY EMOTIONS ARE SO ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE. ITS ALMOST 2 AM. I WENT TO BED EARLY WITH ALL INTENTIONS TO GO TO SLEEP AND STAY ASLEEP. I WAS IN BED BY 9:30. I SLEPT ALL OF ONE HOUR. ONE FUCKIN HOUR GUYS! I WOKE UP AT 10:45 AND I’VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE. I REALLY NEEDE TO GO TO THERAPY TODAY. DAMN DISSOCIATION! BUT I REALLY THINK THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN JUST THE DISSOCIATION, I THINK SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, A PAST FUCKHEAD ABUSER HAS TOLD PEOPLE NOT TO SHOW UP TO THERAPY NOT TO GO. I EMAILED EILEEN. I TOLD HER HOW I FELT. SHE HASNT RESPONDED BUT THEN SHE NORMALLY DOESNT SO ITS NOT UNUSUAL. THEN MY FUCKIN EMAIL WENT BUST. I HAD TO MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT FOR EMAIL AS WE CANT REMEMBER THE PASSWORD TO GET IN TO OUR OTHER ONE. GO FIGURE. SO NOW I WILL HAVE TO CHANGE ALL OF MY IMPORTANT STUFF OVER TO THIS NEW EMAIL ADDY. I WILL TRY TO UPDATE EVERYONE WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS. IT WAS OUR MAIN EMAIL ACCOUNT TOO, THE ONE THATS UNDER SHIRLEYS NAME. AND ALL OF OUR IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE BILL NOTIFICATIONS AND STUFF GO THROUGH THAT ACCOUNT. SO THAT JUST FUCKING GREAT. I WAS SO PISSED. ALSO BECAUSE ABUSERS WERE CONTACTING US ON THAT ONE, I DECIDED TO JUST WELL DITCH IT WHEN THE PASSWORD WASNT WORKING AND I HAD RANG THE TECH SUPPORT FOR MY ISP AND TRIED TO CHANGE IT BUT COULDNT, SO I JUST SAID FUCK IT ITS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST AND MADE A NEW ONE. ANYWAY. I’M RAMBLING, SORRY GUYS. I KNOW YOUR PROBABLY TIRED OF MY FUCKEDUPNESS. I AM TIRED OF IT TOO.