Its Shirley here. For those who don’t know me, I’m our host, the birth person of our system. I don’t come out a lot, and when I do, its really hard for me. Like now. I feel super anxious. I don’t enjoy being out and I am just writing this post quickly and then I am going to go back inside again.
Today we saw our psychiatrist, Dr. Barry. I was out for some of the appointment. But I think I sorta wasted her time. Of course she said no I didn’t. She told me I did a great job to get us all to the appointment. She also told me not to be so hard on myself.
I talked to her about how I hate having insiders. I don’t feel normal. I feel so weird. I hate hearing the kids crying, and not knowing how to help them or what I should do. I feel so crazy. She asked me if I knew liz or Carol anne. I said I knew Carol anne, but Liz scares me. She told me Liz has worked really hard with Eileen and she isn’t so scary now.
That’s good I guess. I’m happy my insiders have Eileen, and I do, too. I am going to try to have a little time out in therapy tomorrow. Dr. Barry told Carol anne I wanted some time, so I know she’ll make sure I get it. Carol anne was able to switch out with me and she had the rest of our appointment. I was happy to get back inside.
Dr. Barry gave me the choice, she asked me if I’d like to stay out for the whole appointment or would I prefer if Carol anne came out instead, I was happy for Carol anne to come out instead of me. But I did stay out for about 15 minutes and we did talk a lot.
A strange lady came up to me in the waiting room and she said, hi Shirley! I didn’t know her, but she seemed to know me! I just said hi, because I didn’t want to be rude! I asked Dr. Barry who she was, and she said that was Sarah, and that Sarah is the community psychiatric nurse, and she has worked with us and knows us well. I’ve never met her though so I didn’t know her at all.
I don’t know a whole lot of things about what is going on. I sometimes wish I knew more. Its hard, because when I am not out I don’t really have any knowledge of what is happening. I am kind of sleeping on the inside. Not able to be present and watch what is happening. Then I also don’t have a lot of communication with Carol anne, because there is a wall up. I want to work on being able to communicate more with Carol anne. I think that is going to be important for us.
Ok I am going to go back inside now. I really hope Dr. Barry liked me. I think she did. When she asked who it was and I said Shirley, she was like, really? Like it was a huge surprise to her. She’s funny. I like her a lot. She’s very kind and caring.