What day is it anyway? Tuesday March 24th

My day so far 3:22 PM!
I didnt get much sleep last night, maybe got about 2 hours, that was it. Surprisingly though I am not at all tired from lack of sleep!
My PA came this morning at 9 AM, and we took Nitro out for a walk. We walked for an hour. I felt so amazing when I arrived home. I think walking has really helped to boost my mood!
Other than my walk with Nitro, I havent done much today. A friend visited for an hour, it was nice to see her.
The plans for the evening are to chill with a book, watch some netflix and facetime with my friend sarah.
Are you having a good day?
Our governement is meant to make an announcement this afternoon about restrictions that are set to be put in place in ireland. Already they’ve said that schools will remain closed after March 29th, and all restaurants and cafes are to close their doors today. As for what else will be put in place, we’ll just have to wait and see what they’ll say.
I’ve decided though now that if we do go on complete lockdown today I’m staying here at home. I had a rethink, and it will be better if I stay at home. Especially so I can do my therapy sessions with eileen, and my conference calls with my slimming world group, and also working from my home is better than trying to work from my parents house.
I hope your all having a great day!


Virus-free. www.avg.com

Book shopping

I just bought some books. I love book shopping!
I bought the following books…
You can heal your life by louise L. Hay
Slave girl, by sarah forsight
Memoirs aren’t fairytales by marnie Mann
Saving jake, can remember the author
A stolen childhood by casey Watson

Cant wait to get reading them all!
I’ll be reading for a while Lol!

got through work, but I’m a mess

oh guys. i got through work in one piece. but i am an absolute mess now. a train wreck. i feel so anxious. the other insiders are all feeling awful. there is a lot of internal chaos. inner turmoil, a lot of angry parts, sad parts, anxious parts. i wonder if i should call eileen. i think i probably should. i’ll wait for another little while and if things arent getting any better then I will call her. or text her and ask her if she can talk for a few minutes. i know if she’s able to she will. i am glad i managed to get through work though. at least i did something productive today. and i felt useful while i was working. and hearing some of my clients say how grateful they were for my call, and how i was so good to do what i do and spend time talkking to them, that was so nice to hear. makes the job so worth while. wish i just didnt feel so on edge, or so anxious. and unsettled. feeling really dissociative too this afternoon, like switchy, and spacy. dont know what thats about. i hope i start feeling less dissociative soon. not sure i can handle that level of dissociation for the entire evening. really do think its time to text eileen.

I still get to see dr. barry tomorrow! Yay!

So the corona virus hasnt shut everything down yet thank god!
I thought Dr. Barry may not have her outpatient clinic tomorrow. But she is going ahead with it. So I will get to see her yay!
I talked with her secretary this morning and she confirmed it for me. I was so relieved! 3 weeks now since I’ve seen her, I am feeling like I really need to see her!
We have a lot to discuss, but mainly we need to discuss med options. So we’ll definitely be talking over what to do about my increased anxiety, dissociation, lack of sleep etc.
I know she’ll have good advice for me, she always does. I love how we can be so honest with one another, really real, you know?
Anyway I am just so relieved I will have my appointment tomorrow. Its a huge weight off my mind. I am so thankful for Dr. Barry.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

You will fear me, child

she walks the corridors
rosary beads in hand
her cane ready to whip
any child who dares to ask questions
feel feelings
its not safe to feel them
oh no
sister paula
loved to assert her control
over us
little kids
afraid of everything
even their own shadow
beaten until you bleed
welts that are red and raw
punished for absolutely no reason
sick games
that she liked to play
because it made her feel all powerful
you will fear me, child
make no mistake about that
now run along
you are no good
you are so stupid
you will never amount to anything
you are a disgrace
these things I was told
for many, many years
beaten and abused
;hysically, sexually and psychologically
I did fear
I still do fear

I care, no child should have to feel anxious

hihihiii its emily
we had a hard therapy session
i talked to eileen
so did liz, but I had most of the session
we were talking about anxiety, and my anxiety
that was tough
i was very anxious
my heart was pounding, i was a mess
i was shaky and i felt really overwhelmed
eileen ask me to notice my body
she asked what parts of it feel anxious
i said in my tummy, my tummy felt like led
like a heavy weight is inside of it
then she said which part feels no anxiety
i said my arms and legs
they felt ok strong even
so then we did an exercise where we put our feet firmly on the ground
and we tried to move our foot from our heal to the front part of our foot without actually moving it
it was hard to do that
after a while i just sat with eileen, my younger insiders were around and eileen said that was ok
she said this to me
i feel so much care for the kids
their little bodies are so anxious
they are holding so much, and no child should have to feel that level of anxiety
i feel so much love and care for the kids
i want them to know they are safe now
it is ok
i am here, i am giving them my full attention
they deserve to have attention now, they never had it when you were little
i want them to know they can feel safe here in this room with me
i am here, and i care
that made me have tears, happy tears
eileen is such a gem
i love her so much
she’s so awesome!
she maked us all feel safe, feel validated, and feel good about ourselves
i told her we wanted to email her at the weekend but the dark teens wouldnt allow us they said she’d leave because we’d be too much for her
I’m not going anywhere, she said.. Can you hear me? I’m not leaving. I’m here, and I will be here, so do email me if you need to.
Then we did an exercise so that we could feel connected to her, we tried to figure out things she’d say to us, and one of the things she always says to us when we are with her and we’re worrying unnecessarily is, dont worry, there is no emergency, its ok, your safe, breathe, feet on the ground, and breathe. there is no emergency.
and now we know we can email her if we need to. she said she respects the dark teens for where they’re at, and therapy can go at their pace, she wants them to feel safe and like they can trust her and she knows they havent been heard in the past so she’s giving them a chance to feel heard now.
im glad i talked with her
it felt so good
i feel much calmer and much better now that I had almost the entire session
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily age 12