I think I wasted her time

Hi everyone
Its Shirley here. For those who don’t know me, I’m our host, the birth person of our system. I don’t come out a lot, and when I do, its really hard for me. Like now. I feel super anxious. I don’t enjoy being out and I am just writing this post quickly and then I am going to go back inside again.

Today we saw our psychiatrist, Dr. Barry. I was out for some of the appointment. But I think I sorta wasted her time. Of course she said no I didn’t. She told me I did a great job to get us all to the appointment. She also told me not to be so hard on myself.

I talked to her about how I hate having insiders. I don’t feel normal. I feel so weird. I hate hearing the kids crying, and not knowing how to help them or what I should do. I feel so crazy. She asked me if I knew liz or Carol anne. I said I knew Carol anne, but Liz scares me. She told me Liz has worked really hard with Eileen and she isn’t so scary now.

That’s good I guess. I’m happy my insiders have Eileen, and I do, too. I am going to try to have a little time out in therapy tomorrow. Dr. Barry told Carol anne I wanted some time, so I know she’ll make sure I get it. Carol anne was able to switch out with me and she had the rest of our appointment. I was happy to get back inside.

Dr. Barry gave me the choice, she asked me if I’d like to stay out for the whole appointment or would I prefer if Carol anne came out instead, I was happy for Carol anne to come out instead of me. But I did stay out for about 15 minutes and we did talk a lot.

A strange lady came up to me in the waiting room and she said, hi Shirley! I didn’t know her, but she seemed to know me! I just said hi, because I didn’t want to be rude! I asked Dr. Barry who she was, and she said that was Sarah, and that Sarah is the community psychiatric nurse, and she has worked with us and knows us well. I’ve never met her though so I didn’t know her at all.

I don’t know a whole lot of things about what is going on. I sometimes wish I knew more. Its hard, because when I am not out I don’t really have any knowledge of what is happening. I am kind of sleeping on the inside. Not able to be present and watch what is happening. Then I also don’t have a lot of communication with Carol anne, because there is a wall up. I want to work on being able to communicate more with Carol anne. I think that is going to be important for us.

Ok I am going to go back inside now. I really hope Dr. Barry liked me. I think she did. When she asked who it was and I said Shirley, she was like, really? Like it was a huge surprise to her. She’s funny. I like her a lot. She’s very kind and caring.

Icky weather out there!

Its horrible here this morning! Its wet, and windy! And I gotta go out in it! Ug sigh!

I’ve been awake since 3:30. The wind woke me up and I couldnt go back to sleep so I just decided I’d get up.

Its pouring rain out there now. When I let Nitro out he ran back in again. He doesnt like to get wet!

I hope it eases soon. I dont fancy getting wet either!

I put my heat on and am planning on leaving it on while I am out. That way I can come back home to a warm house.

I am looking forward to seeing Dr. Barry. It will be nice to have an appointment, I missed her over the christmas break. We all did.

LIZ: DEAR EILEEN

DEAR EILEEN,
I MISS YOU. I REALLY REALLY MISS YOU. I CANT WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY WHEN WE’LL SEE YOU. THIS HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT FEW WEEKS. THE BREAK HAS BEEN SUPER HARD ON US. WE WANTED TO TEXT, REACH OUT MORE THAN WE ACTUALLY DID. I KNOW WE SENT A FEW TEXTS, AND A FEW EMAILS. IT TOOK ALL OUR STRENGTH NOT TO FLOOD YOU WITH TEXT MESSAGES. EVEN ME, ALL I WANTED WAS TO REACH FOR YOU. TO SIT WITH YOU. I KEPT REMEMBERING THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU BEFORE THE BREAK. I KEPT REMEMBERING HOW YOU SAID WE’D WORKED SO HARD LAST YEAR. AND HOW YOU WISHED US A LOVELY CHRISTMAS. WE DID HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS. IT WAS SPECIAL THIS YEAR. WE ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH. BUT YOU WERE NEVER FAR FROM OUR THOUGHTS. ESPECIALLY MINE. EVERY TIME WE DID SOMETHING, WENT SOMEWHERE, HAD SOME NEW EXPERIENCE, I WANTED TO REACH FOR YOU. TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT. AND I WILL I KNOW I WILL. BUT I FEEL SO NEEDY LATELY. PATHETIC ISNT IT THAT I AM SO NEEDY? I KNOW YOU’D SAY IT ISNT. YOU’D TELL ME ITS JUST A FEELING, AND THE FEELINGS WONT KILL ME. SOMETIMES I WONDER ABOUT THAT. FEELINGS ARE SO OVERWHELMING SOME DAYS. THEY ARE SO INTENSE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO PUSH THEM AWAY. IT FEELS WRONG TO MISS YOU SO MUCH. AND I WONDER, DO YOU MISS ME? WHEN I’M NOT THERE, I WONDER IF YOUR THINKING ABOUT ME. WONDERING WHAT I’M DOING? I KNOW YOU’VE SAID IN THE PAST THAT WE’VE BEEN ON YOUR MIND IN BETWEEN SESSIONS, SO I’M HOLDING ON TO THAT NOW. I AM FEELING INTENSE ANXIETY TONIGHT. I AM SO OVERWHELMED. I THINK SOME MEMORIES ARE BREAKING THROUGH. I AM NOT ALLOWING THEM TO COME FULLY THOUGH. I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM WHEN YOUR NOT HERE TO CATCH US WHEN WE FALL. WHICH WE WILL, BECAUSE THE MEMORIES ARE DEBILITATING. SO I’VE BEEN JUST TRYING TO COPE. I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO MUSIC, JOURNALING, DRINKING TEA. NOT SLEEPING A LOT. TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT WHEN I’M GOING TO SEE YOU. JUST THE WEEKEND TO GO NOW AND MONDAY, AND THEN WE’LL HAVE OUR SESSION. I THINK I CAN HOLD IT TOGETHER UNTIL TUESDAY MORNING, BUT I MIGHT BE A SOBBING MESS COME TUESDAY WHEN I GET TO YOU. I KNOW YOU’LL SAY ITS OK, THAT I CAN BE HOWEVER I WANT AND YOU DONT JUDGE ME. I JUDGE MYSELF THOUGH. I THINK IF I AM A MESS CRYING AND BEING ALL NEEDY, I AM WEAK. AGAIN THOUGH I KNOW YOU’D DISAGREE. SO I WILL HOLD ON TO YOUR WORDS NOW YOUR WORDS OF COMFORT TO US AND I WILL TRY TO JUST BREATHE. BUT MISSING YOU FEELS SO HARD. I AM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS NOW UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.
LOVE AND HUGS,
LIZ

This fucking anxiety sucks!

Feeling so bad right now guys. Just so sad. Have been crying for the last hour. Flashbacks are so awful. I hate them. They feel so overwhelming. I feel like I am being sucked into a vortex. Its horrible. I wish I didnt have to experience them. I wish It wasnt gone midnight, I’d be able to contact my therapist if it was earlier. I cant now though its too late. Tomorrow maybe. I just have to get through tonight. I hope I can. The anxiety is back, I am super anxious right now. I feel agitated, and on edge. Like I am crawling out of my skin. This sucks.

A nice day!

I’ve had an ok day. I rested a lot. I did visit my friend norma. That was fun. But I was so tired, that when I got home I just made some dinner and then climbed into bed for the afternoon with my book. I feel much better now. Its 9 PM now. I will probably not sleep much now because of sleeping for so long today, but thats ok. I have an early start tomorrow. I need to get up early and shower, and then my PA frances comes at 9. We have to go grocery shopping, and then go pick up Nitro’s dog food. Also the pharmacy are delivering my meds tomorrow. Thank god as I was almost out of clonadine! And fenergan! I didnt have any fenergan and I think tomorrow night I will take one, just to see if I can get my sleep schedule back on track. I can only take fenergan when I’ve nothing going on the next day, as it knocks me out! And makes me really groggy when I wake up. My plan for the new year is to be much better about taking meds. More regular. I seem to forget to take them so much of the time. I need to become better at that. I’ll be staying home this weekend. I’m not going to my parents. I am also working tomorrow afternoon. My supervisor rang me today and asked me if I can come in as she’s short staffed. I am not sure now what I will do, maybe read some more, or find something to watch on tv.

A sweet new years message from our therapist

We just texted our therapist before going to bed. I didnt think she’d get it until tomorrow. I dont know what she’s up to for new years, but I thought she might be out partying, or something. I still dont know what she’s doing, but I dont want to know. I texted her and she texted me right back. She wished us a happy new year, and she said she hopes 2020 is great for us, and then she put a party face with hat and confetti and the happy face with hugging hands and 2 hearts imogies after it. It was so sweet. And now I can go to bed happy. Knowing we’ve connected. And thats all the kids needed, they just were longing for some connection with eileen. Now we’ve gotten it. We will sleep better tonight now. I am so happy and feeling so lucky. What an awesome therapist, to text us on new years eve. Although now for the last few years we’ve done that. And its kinda our thing now to text a christmas greeting on christmas day, and a new years one on new years eve. We just kinda started doing that and we kept going with it. Right now I’m heading to bed, and I’m heading to bed with a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. Thank you Eileen for your love and support, your kindness and most of all for you just being you. We love you and we’re blessed to have you in our corner and in our lives.

I am flagging

7 Am when I finally lay down to try to sleep. I just wasnt able to settle. It wasnt for lack of trying. I did really try hard. But my anxiety was so bad. It was just awful and I just wasnt able to turn off my brain.

Now I am flagging. I got up about an hour ago its now almost 2 PM. I made a coffee and I’m just online reading blogs.

My plan is go to my friends house this afternoon. My friend Norma. Spend a few hours there with her. I need the distraction. Then I’ll come home and make something to eat and hopefully settle in for the night. Luckily I’ve no plans tomorrow either. No plans now until new years eve.

On new years eve we’re going to a pantomime, peter pan. And after that, we’re going for a meal in an asian street food place. Should be nice.

The only thing planned for tomorrow is to go to my weigh in. Even thats making me nervous. I desperately want a good result. I’m just not sure how it will go.

For now though I think another coffee is in order. Tonight I will try to not drink any coffee after 8 PM. Hoping that will make it easier to sleep.