its ash. im one of emilys insiders. one of her darks. im 18 years old.
today we talked with eileen, well i did. i talked a lot about the abusers, and the kinds of things they’d do to us. it was so hard. it felt wrong to be talking about it, but then I knew I had to, talking is the only way of healing, we have to break our silence, and let down our guard. I trust Eileen enough to be able to do that with her.
i was telling eileen how the abusers trained us not to feel pain. the cult abusers I mean. they’d torture us and hurt us so bad, until we’d create more parts to deal with the pain and then eventually we’d create insiders who just were blank, numb, didnt feel any pain at all, even when the worse pain was going on.
it was just awful. the worst thing is too that the cult created certain insiders, they created them and so now they know their names, they know how to get to us through those insiders. so when we try not to respond to them, they have a bunch of insiders that they created who will respond. my sister zara talked to eileen too today, and she told her that if she saw an email come in from one of the abusers, that she isnt sure she wouldnt answer it, she was just being honest, and eileen really appreciated her honesty.
we havent had back and forth contact with the abusers for months now. yes they’ve tried, they’ve tried to get hold of us, they’ve tried phoning, emailing etc etc. but liz or Carol anne always catch the emails and delete them before anyone who might be tempted can respond to them. which is really good. eileen thinks it is too. she said she’s proud of us and how far we’ve come in the last couple of years. there was a time when all we did was get constantly hurt by the abusers, there was some insiders here with us who’d constantly take us to them, they’d take us off to dublin and we’d end up being raped or hurt in some other sick way.
it was a tough session today. eileen said we need to just go slow with all this. she said its not really about telling the story, so much as its about how we are from having gone through what we did, how we are now because of it. that made a whole lot of sense to me.
all the talk of cult abuse and abusers started when we were having a conversation about SE, SE stands for somatic experience therapy, that is what eileen is training in, she’s training in how to be a somatic experience practicioner. we talked about trauma, the nervous system and how trauma is stored up in our bodies, and that led on to me telling eileen about the fact that we dont feel pain even when we should, I gave an example of putting our hands in a sink of scalding hot water, and not realising we’d gotten burned, because there was no cold water in the sink, only hot. We never realised until it was too late, and the pain didnt register with us at all.
so much to think about, I’ll be processing this for a while this week, I think.
