I am free from your chains
You cant hold me down
I will soldier on
Despite what is going on
I will fight to the death
You’ll never stop me
Your sadistic and cruel and vendictive ways
For them you will pay
I will rise up
Like a phoenix
I will soar
Not held hostage by you any more
Yesterday I had an apt with my OT mark. It was a really good apt. We talked some more about options for me to do a college course. I am still interested in something related to childcare. at least I was until I got a phone call yesterday evening from one of the tutors on the other course I am interested in which is called issues in substance use in youth and community work. When the tutor rang me she said she’d send me an application form and brochure which she did and i’ve sent it on to mark, I also sent him an email this morning asking him to fill out the application form with me. But back to yesterday and the apt. We talked about the childcare course. And the supports I may need in the college. Funnily enough the course in issues of substance use in youth and community work is taking place in the same college where the childcare courses I wanted to do are. The thing is I only want to go part time. And the substance use course is part time. The childcare one is full time and that is way too stressful for me. Plus I’ve gotten a volunteer position with cork city partnership as an office admin worker I’ll be doing up letters, writing email and answering phones. Its only 1 day a week but then I also volunteer at the basement club, I’ve taken a small break while I was hospitalised recently but I will be going back to it soon. I work better under less pressure so that is what myself and mark talked through yesterday. Then we got on to talking about the adaptive technology and home improvements. I had asked him to request a price on a frame that goes around my toilet, which he did, but yesterday he said that rather than having me pay for it, he should refer me to the community OT and she could do an assessment and then I should be able to get the frame on my medical card. Since I’ve been having balance issues and postural hypertention that is why I need the frame. I told him I am having the blood pressure monitor done next week to see if my meds are causing my blood pressure to drop. so we decided to wait until we meet again in 3 weeks time to make a final decision about the adaptions to my home. I also have to see what equipment I might need and send him a quote for it, then he will get Karen the social worker to do a funding application for me. That was the bulk of our appointment. I did talk to him some about my ongoing symptoms. He always checks in with me about how I’m doing, what is going on for me, etc. Which is really nice. He’s a good listener and I was able to get a lot off my mind before I ever went in to see dr. barry.
i had a pretty good day. my pa came this morning. she helped me cook breakfast, and then we went grocery shopping. i only needed a couple of items. so we got done pretty quickly. when we came back to my house she did some housework. we had to wait for her boss to come to do a risk assessment, basically this paperwork is done once a year, they come out and talk about health and safety, if the PA has any concerns, I get asked if I have any concerns, a load of bullshit really, all formality. Anyway she eventually came and we got that over with. She was literally there for 10 minutes doing it. Well thats because we are happy and have no issues. Me and Kristen click, we gel, we dont make waves where there arent any. Once she left kristen had to leave too to go to her next job. I was going to go to the basement club but then decided not to go I decided to stay home and burn some of my dvd’s onto my computer. I’m trying to get all of my movies burned, but it takes forever to do it. My home help came in the afternoon to help me cook dinner, she came earlier than usual because she had an appointment to go to. I had meatballs with spaghetti for dinner and oh man it was delicious. The meatballs were seasoned and the sauce that I got for them was a tomato and herb sauce and it tasted amazing. Once my home help left i went to visit my friend norma. we didnt get up to much just hung out and talked and stuff. i’m pretty tired now but i cant sleep. i took my night meds but I’m feeling a little bit wound up. not sure why. just have a lot on my mind about therapy yesterday. there is more to our session that we havent written about yet but will soon. we’re still trying to process it all. I see dr. barry tomorrow morning, and my OT Mark. I almost forgot about the apt with Mark. I dont have my homework done for that appointment. I got sidetracked and totally forgot. I dont think Mark will mind, he’s pretty easy going. I bet he wont believe me when I tell him I dont have it done. I’m always so on the ball with everything. Another busy day tomorrow, if nothing else it will keep me distracted from thoughts of self harm, suicide, and overwhelm that are plaguing me tonight.
i had a boring day was really tired, didnt get to sleep until after 7 am, slept half the day away then, woke up ate dinner, and then mom came over to my house with me to help me pack up some stuff that I am mailing off to people, books and things that I am getting rid of. Mom stayed for an hour or so. The rest of today I just watched tv and listened to the radio. It was 2 of my friends birthdays, rose and Norma. I texted both of them to wish them a happy birthday. Hopefully I’ll see them some time this week and I’ll be able to give them a birthday card. My computer got infected with some sort of virus tonight. I spent hours trying to fix it. I did eventually fix it but it was driving me crazy. I almost broke it because I was getng madder and madder when I couldnt fix it. Nitro was looking at me like I had 10 heads lol. I dont think he knew why I was yelling at the computer to hurry up and be fixed. He got a little nervous so I had to give him extra cuddles. tomorrow is therapy day. i cant wait. i’m not anxious this week at all about going. i really need to see eileen. the 2 week break felt way too long. I just need to talk to her I have a lot on my mind. I hope everyone had a good sunday.
so i’ve probably said it here before but i own and run a group for people who have did, who have a dissociative disorder, or who struggle with ptsd.
Its also a group for supporters of people who have did or ptsd.
the group is an email support group. messages go back and forth via email. remember email groups back when yahoogroups was very active?
well my group is on groups.io now, I think yahoogroups is dead!
Anyway I’m looking for some new members, and I thought what better people to ask about joining than my blog friends!
Would any of you like to join? if you would then you can comment here and I will get back to you via email!
Right now the group has about 30 members, from all walks of life, some blind, some sighted, some who do have did, some who dont, some who just have ptsd, or DDNOS.
You are all very welcome to join so do get in touch via the comments if your interested!
its allie. and i am sad. i was watching the rugrats movie, and at the end there is this song, its called i want a mom that will last forever. look it up on youtube. its a sad song, well its sad to me. because even though we have a bio mom, she doesnt love me, she never has, never will, not for me allie, she might love shirley, the body. i’m sure she does. but she doesnt love me. and that hurts. it hurts so much. it makes me so so very sad. it makes me mad too. but mostly it makes me very sad. all i’ve ever wanted from my mom is for her to recognise me, see me for me. and love me. but she wont. she cant. she is in denial about us all. she doesnt like that we’re mentally ill. even when dr. barry told her all about us and our diagnosis, she still didnt really accept it. she never asked us any questions. i wish i could change who she is. i wish i could make her ask questions. but i cant. and it just makes me sad. i feel rejected. hurt and abandoned and unloved and rejected.
allie, age 9
fly away little one
far far away
away from the fear
away from the emptiness
away from the harsh reality of your world
you were small
you never deserved what happened
so fly away
and I will keep you safe
safe from harm
safe from the fear
i will hold you near