Poetry

My heart beats fast
I am sucked into the past
I kick, I scream
To no avail
I cant get away from it
I just have to sit with it
It threatens to pull me under
I fight to get back on even ground again
I count to 10
As i exhale
Breathe, I tell myself
Constantly reminding myself its over
I’m not back there
I’m here
Here in my house
with my dog
My stuff all around me
I am free
In the free world
and its 2017

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Poetry

as i sit
my thoughts race
what is this place
is it a memory?
why cant i see
dissociated
complicated
i sit and wait
for what seems like an eternity
when really
its only a couple of minutes
as the flashbacks hits full on
i try to be strong
but fear gives way to tears
and i cry and cry
cant say i know why
memories of abuse sting
and i am contemplating
what to do next
and where to go with this

To my silent readers

hi guys
this post is for my silent followers. I’d love to get to know you. So do comment, tell me a little about you, who you are, what your about, I really want to know!
Where are you from? Why did you choose to follow my blog? Now that your following, do you like it?
I have over 1000 followers and I’d really love to get to know all of you!
So do write me a note and say hi Open-mouthed smile I promise I will be sweet and I dont bite Smile with tongue out
Smile xx
carol anne

todays the day

today is the day I start college. I am nervous. But I also cant wait.

Let the learning begin. I’m ready. Bring it on.

I only got 3 hours of sleep. I woke at 5 AM. The 3 hours I did get were broken. I was tossing and turning. Eventually I decided to get up and shower.

Now I am drinking coffee and going through email. I love early mornings…they are so peaceful. When the world sleeps and I am awake.

I have such a busy tuesday ahead. I’ll be on the go for the entire day.

I hope college is good tonight. Please send good wishes and support. i can do this. I know I can.

Dream

I WOKE FROM A DREAM. A DREAM ABOUT EILEEN. IN THE DREAM WE WERE SITTING TOGETHER. I WAS HUGGING HER. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS SAFE. WE WERE FEELING SAFE AND HELD AND CONTAINED. WHY CANT THIS FEELING LAST? I AWOKE AND TEARS DRIPPED DOWN MY CHEEKS. I NEED HER. I NEED EILEEN. I NEED A HUG. I NEED HER TO HOLD ME. I NEED HER ARMS TO HOLD AND COMFORT ME. THIS FEELS SO HARD. IT IS SO DIFFICULT. THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE NEEDS A MOM. A MOM TO HELP HER HOLD HER COMFORT HER AND VALIDATE HER FEELINGS. I NEED CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS HER SAFE PERSON, A SAF BASE. SHE FEELS SO UNLOVED, SHE NEEDS CARE AND LOVE. FROM EILEEN.
LIZ

Alcoholism in the family

so when we were little, like under 2, we lived with our dads family. there was mom, dad and me, my dads mom, his sister and brother all living in the same house. his mom, sister and brother were all alcoholics. my mom was young, she was 17 when she had me. she was young and vulnerable and very scared. she grew up with violence and conflict and stuff but not alcoholism. all of this was new to her. she had a lot to learn. when she would go somewhere where she could not take me along, i was looked after either by my aunt dads sister or his mom. they were always drunk. they could not look after me properly. they were careless and left us in dangerous situations. so many times. we were traumatised. left alone. alone to fend for ourselves. we learned not to cry. we learned to be quiet. so as not to cause arguments or get hurt by drunk people. it was our normal. tonight i am remembering. and it hurts. the pain of remembering is so overwhelming. why did this have to happen? why? a question I’ll never find ansers too.
carol anne