outa wack!

I’m really out of sorts!

I went to my parents, was going there tomorrow anyway, so said I’d go today instead.

I feel so irritable! Liz is close by!

I can tell because I am moody and grumpy and I know she felt that was since she woke up this morning!

I am also anxious, again! Ug sigh!

I made some tea! Tea makes everything better, as Emily always says.

I hope she’s right! I am just so over the anxiety and feeling so anxious.

Its incredibly frustrating!

If anyone has a few suggestions for me on how to feel less anxious, I’d love to hear them!

My moods dipping and I want to bring it up again!

Therapy session today: How our abusers tortured us and taught us to numb the pain

its ash. im one of emilys insiders. one of her darks. im 18 years old.
today we talked with eileen, well i did. i talked a lot about the abusers, and the kinds of things they’d do to us. it was so hard. it felt wrong to be talking about it, but then I knew I had to, talking is the only way of healing, we have to break our silence, and let down our guard. I trust Eileen enough to be able to do that with her.
i was telling eileen how the abusers trained us not to feel pain. the cult abusers I mean. they’d torture us and hurt us so bad, until we’d create more parts to deal with the pain and then eventually we’d create insiders who just were blank, numb, didnt feel any pain at all, even when the worse pain was going on.
it was just awful. the worst thing is too that the cult created certain insiders, they created them and so now they know their names, they know how to get to us through those insiders. so when we try not to respond to them, they have a bunch of insiders that they created who will respond. my sister zara talked to eileen too today, and she told her that if she saw an email come in from one of the abusers, that she isnt sure she wouldnt answer it, she was just being honest, and eileen really appreciated her honesty.
we havent had back and forth contact with the abusers for months now. yes they’ve tried, they’ve tried to get hold of us, they’ve tried phoning, emailing etc etc. but liz or Carol anne always catch the emails and delete them before anyone who might be tempted can respond to them. which is really good. eileen thinks it is too. she said she’s proud of us and how far we’ve come in the last couple of years. there was a time when all we did was get constantly hurt by the abusers, there was some insiders here with us who’d constantly take us to them, they’d take us off to dublin and we’d end up being raped or hurt in some other sick way.
it was a tough session today. eileen said we need to just go slow with all this. she said its not really about telling the story, so much as its about how we are from having gone through what we did, how we are now because of it. that made a whole lot of sense to me.
all the talk of cult abuse and abusers started when we were having a conversation about SE, SE stands for somatic experience therapy, that is what eileen is training in, she’s training in how to be a somatic experience practicioner. we talked about trauma, the nervous system and how trauma is stored up in our bodies, and that led on to me telling eileen about the fact that we dont feel pain even when we should, I gave an example of putting our hands in a sink of scalding hot water, and not realising we’d gotten burned, because there was no cold water in the sink, only hot. We never realised until it was too late, and the pain didnt register with us at all.
so much to think about, I’ll be processing this for a while this week, I think.

A bad anxiety attack

My heart is pounding. Literally I am jumping out of my skin here! I cannot breathe! I feel like I am going to die!

I just had glimpses of horrible memories that were awful. I dont have the whole memory, thank god. I hated what I did get the glimpses I did get of it.

It sparked a massive anxiety attack! Now I just feel so so bad! I cannot handle it. I want a coffee but am afraid drinking it will put me in an even worse place!

Mental illness sucks! Anxiety attacks suck!

I need a hug! Nobodys here though to hug me.

Think I’ll go pet nitro! He’s always ready for pets.

Coping with Eileen being gone

I feel so tired this afternoon. I only got 3 hours sleep last night. It was 2 AM when I finally went to bed, and I was up again at 7, because the postman came knocking with a package, the package was from my friend sarah, she sent the kids a book, all about being brave, they cant wait to have eileen read it to them!
Eileen is away this week on a training course so we didnt see her today, its part of her body psychotherapy training, she wont be home until late on friday.
We worked this morning, for around 3 hours. Work was busy, but it went well.
Came home, cooked, and now am just relaxing in front of the tv and on our laptop.
Wishing we could’ve seen Eileen today, miss her so much, even I miss her, I didnt text her, because I know she’s busy and I dont want to bother her while she’s training.
It feels so weird not to have therapy, Eileen had said to me last week that its important to take a break from all the hard work we’ve been doing, treat ourselves, do something nice just for us.
So I will take her up on that and enjoy my evening, I know she’d be proud of me for coping with her absence, she’d say I am very resilient, and actually last week she congratulated me on being able to self soothe a little more now than I would have done in the past.

I am pretty ok at the moment, hopefully it will stay that way

I’ve had a pretty good day today. Things here are up and down, we’re ok right now but it probably wont stay that way. We’ve been dealing with hard emotions all weekend, dark thoughts, triggers, you name it we’ve been dealing with it.
I had a nice evening here at home. I facetimed with sarah, that was lovely, and passed away almost 2 hours, we sure do know how to talk lol!
The weather here tonight is supposed to be bad, we’re under a status yellow warning for low temps, its supposed to get down to minus 3 or 4 C.
I am cosy and warm inside, with my heating on high!
I have the radio on and I am just doing stuff online, my plan is to stay up late, since I slept in this morning.
I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure of the times yet, I’ll have to ring my supervisor in the morning and see what time she needs me to go in at.

A lot got done this morning!

My PA Frances just left! She got a lot done around the house today! In two hours, she did loads! I am very pleased!
We got the vacuming done, mopped the floors, did dishes, did some dusting, she also went to the store for me to pick up a few things!
I was only up about 10 minutes when she arrived! I just couldnt get out of bed today! I was exhausted! I had to get up in the middle of the night to let Nitro out, and I woke at 6 this morning, but couldnt face getting up so went back to sleep again!
Now I’m heading off to work, waiting to be picked up and will work for about 3 or 4 hours!
Looking forward to my shift, as I didnt go in yesterday. However I will work on Thursday this week, to fill in for some people who are out sick!
I’m taking Friday afternoon off, as I have to go get my nails done!
I’ll be on again later so will catch up with you all then!
Adios for a while!