REPORTER ALTER

HI MY NAME IS ZOE. I AM 21. AND I AM A REPORTER ALTER. THAT MEANS, I REPORT BACK TO OUR ABUSERS WHEN I FEEL THREATENED, OR I DID, I AM TRYING TO UNLEARN THAT BEHAVIOUR AS OF TODAY. TODAY I TALKED WITH EILEEN IN THERAPY. SO DID MY SISTER, ALANNA WHO IS 23, WE TALKED ABOUT INTRAJECTS, AND PROGRAMMING, WHAT OUR JOB CONSISTED OF ETC. EILEEN SAID SHE HAD TO TALK TO US BEFORE ANYONE ELSE IN THE SYSTEM COULD TELL HER ANYTHING, BECAUSE IN THE TELLING OF THINGS, IT WAS DESTABILISING US REPORTER ALTERS. I WONT GO INTO THE DETAILS OF HOW I CAME TO BE NOW, I’LL TRY TO WRITE MORE ON THAT IN ANOTHER POST, BUT SUFFICE TO SAY THERAPY TODAY WAS SO HARD. IT WAS VERY, VERY INTENSE. BUT I AM GLAD I CAME OUT, IT WAS SO WORTH IT. EILEEN HAS A WAY ABOUT HER, A WAY OF DRAWING YOU OUT, WITHOUT YOU EVEN REALISING SHE’S EVEN DOING IT. ITS NOT IN A BAD WAY, ITS JUST HER GENTLE NATURE, HER WARM TONES IN HER VOICE, ITS EASY TO TALK TO HER AND FEEL SAFE WITH HER. I’M EXHAUSTED TONIGHT AFTER THERAPY, THOUGH. SO ITS AN EARLY NIGHT FOR US I THINK.
ZOE

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Poem…the house

This house is full of horrors,
This house, it owns no love.
The air is filled with madness,
The floor boards moan in sadness.
The sounds it makes at night,
And the walls, blood red and white,
Represent the turmoil thats going on inside,
But everything is perfect on the outside.
The grass is trimmed,
The flowers bloomed,
The hedges cut,
The paint renewed,
So people walking by they smile,
And continue on their way.
But the house it cannot move,
For a house wasnt built with feet to run,
Or a mouth or eyes,
To tell you somethings wrong.
This house it carries on,
It has to stand up strong,
To support the demons ruining
All the paint work.
They will rip it all to shreds,
Tare it up until its nearly dead,
Without a detectable scratch upon the surface.
The house it cannot show
The scars it bares inside,
And its figured thats all itll ever deserve.
Theres no way to break the cycle
trust me its tried,
And all its done is made itself cry,
Which resulted in a leak down from the roof.
The house was beat
And still no outward proof.
There never was,
Nor will there ever be,
Someone there to help it carry on.

HELLOWEEN IS NEAR, OH DEAR

YES. I’VE STARTED TO CALL THAT FUCKING DATE THAT HAPPENS THIS COMING TUESDAY HELLOWEEN, BECAUSE HELL IS WHAT WE WENT THROUGH ON THAT DATE FOR YEARS. WE ARE DREADING IT. LUCKILY FOR US WE HAVE THERAPY ON TUESDAY, WHICH IS GOOD, WE’LL NEED IT. THE KIDS ARE FREAKED OUT. HELL I AM EVEN FREAKED OUT. IT IS NOT GOOD. AND ITS EVERYWHERE. IN THE STORES. IN PEOPLES HOUSES WHAT WITH DECORATIONS AND COSTUMES AND STUFF. ITS SO COMMERCIALISED NOWADAYS. I JUST HOPE WE CAN GET THROUGH IT WITHOUT BECOMING A HOT MESS.
LIZ

Living it here

so i’ve been here in abode now for two days. and i am loving it. i am really enjoying the independent living skills course. if you would like to hear more about my activities and day to day life on the course please go over to my other blog at
http://independentliving271.wordpress.com/

and follow me there, i am under our bodys legal name on that blog as our family have the link to it.
but yeah the course is going great. i was so tired last night that i lay down to watch tv at 9 PM and fell asleep until 11 when one of the staff came in and woke me up, as i hadnt changed into my pajamas yet.
i woke in the middle of the night, got up for about an hour, and then went back to bed and was able to go back to sleep.
the people on the course with me are lovely. most of them are wheelchair users. not sure what all of their disabilities are but i am sure i’ll learn that in time.
i have college tonight. i’m seriously not in the mood to go, but i’m sure i’ll feel different once i get there. its just the actual getting there and stuff, in the dark, in the rain…
nitro is settling in well. he loves it here. its his birthday tomorrow. he’ll be 7.
i’ll be seeing dr. barry tomorrow. my tutor is bringing me to my apt. she’s going to wait for me while i have my apt and then drop me back to the centre again.
things are good. i feel calm. happy and calm. my next project is to finish up my unfinished college work, tomorrow night I’ll do that.

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOU

HOW MUCH I WANT TO HURT YOU

RIP YOUR DICK OFF

AND RIP YOUR EYES OUT

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW FILLED WITH RAGE I AM

HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE

WITH FLASHBACKS DAILY

NIGHTMARES EACH NIGHT

LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE YOUR AFRAID TO BREATHE

AFRAID TO MOVE

JUMP AT EVERY SOUND

AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF

AFRAID TO SPEAK

TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING

FOR FEAR THEY WONT BELIEVE YOU

FOR FEAR THEY’LL REJECT YOU

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

WHAT ABUSE DID TO ME

WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR VIEW?

I DOUBT IT

I DOUBT YOUR CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE

YOUR A MONSTER

A CRUEL MONSTER

AN EVIL MONSTER

AN ABUSER

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW

THAT I HATE YOU

WITH a VENGENCE

AND I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING

YOU MAKE MY STOMACH CHURN

MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP

YOU ARE NOTHING

A NOBODY

BUT YOU MADE SURE

THAT I WOULD BE LEFT

WITH A LIFE TIME OF SCARS

AND A LIFE TIME OF HEALING

FUCK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME

Poetry

feelings bubble
bubble up fast
i wonder to myself
how long can it last?
when will i be free?
when will someone see?
see me?
see my pain
see the gravity of these feelings
see the shame i feel
the horror of what i’ve gone through
when can i shout it from the rooftops
when can i say, me too?
when?
who will listen then?