Moms birthday

its my moms birthday today, she’s 55. we are going out for lunch to celebrate it. we are going to a local garden centre. it should be nice. the food there is nice and today its really sunny so its the perfect day to go. My sister is going to pick me up when she finishes work at 2. I sorted my moms card, I am giving her money and lottery tickets. Hopefully she’ll be lucky on one of the scratch cards. I hope your all having a lovely tuesday and I hope wherever you are that the weather is nice.

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5 facts about me

for my new readers, and my old readers too, here are 5 random facts about me.

I’ve been to disneyworld in florida twice. In 2008 and 2009. It was a lot of fun. something that if you can afford it I think everyone should go there.

I love the ocean. I love sitting listening to the waves crashing. I find it very peaceful.

I collect dvd’s. and cd’s. I enjoy movies and music very much.

I’ve had 3 guide dogs. Nitro is my 3rd dog. My other two were females. His personality is a lot different to the female dogs I had. He’s more cuddly and loving I think.

I like raising awareness about mental illness. I try to do it when I can. I’ve given talks and educated doctors on did and ptsd. Its something I’m passionate about.

What are some facts about you?

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Fathers day

Yep its fathers day. despite my dads recent behaviour and despite what my thoughts are on it, i spent it with him and the rest of my family. the weather here today was hot and sunny and so we spent the day outside in my parents back garden. it was a really nice day, and everything went off ok today which felt so good. i gave our dad a card with some money in it and some lottery tickets and he won 10 euro on the lottery tickets, I also played a request on our local radio for him. He seemed to like that I did that, he got a kick out of it.

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A very good Friday

Things are a lot better for us today. A lot calmer. We had a terrific day. The weather here was beautiful today. I spent the day at my parents house out in their garden. Nitro was in his element, he really enjoyed being out in the garden running around. My sister came with the kids and we all had a fun time. Tomorrow mom and us and our sister and the kids are going to the beach and doing a BBQ on the beach. I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to a long walk on the beach, and a big 99 icecream cone on the way home. I promised the kids I’d get them an ice cream cone with a chocolate flake in it. The BBQ should be fun. We’re going to BBQ sausages. The weather for the rest of this weekend is supposed to be fabulous. Its my cousins birthday tomorrow, I got her a card and am giving her some money and a lottery ticket. Mom and me and my sister were going to go to my aunts today to drop her presents and cards off to her but then my sister was too tired so we never ended up going. My other aunt whose moms other sister called this evening and I spent some time chatting to her and mom which was cool. I’ve also been burning cd’s all day onto my computer. I am trying to rip all of my music and rip all of my movies and its going to take me forever lol. I have so many you see. My new dvd’s and cd’s i got on ebay havent arrived yet. I’m anxiously waiting for them to arrive. Maybe they’ll come on Monday. I hope you’ve all had a good day today. What are your plans for the weekend?

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Support

sitting here, wide awake. drinking tea. trying hard not to cry. feeling so lousy. woke up feeling low. very very low. was dreaming, but now cant remember what the dream was about, just know it was unpleasant. why cant I have good dreams? its only 2 AM, maybe I’ll read for a while. Or I might watch funny youtube videos. That always cheers me up. If anyones up I could use some support.

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thursday was good, got some good news, and helped a friend, also got new books too

todays been good. my pa came this morning. as usual she was early, i was barely awake when she arrived. that was ok though, i’m used to her being early by now. if she was late i’d be shocked. i had breakfast, i kinda didnt stick to my healthy foods today, i had sausage and hash browns that needed to be used up so i got her to cook those for me. then i got in the shower while she started cleaning. she vacumed, mopped the floors, made the bed, cleaned the kitchen, etc. all while i was showering, getting my hair dried etc. lol we make a great team.
we chatted then for a while. we mostly chatted about dogs. she is a huge dog lover and well so am i and we just chatted about our dogs. then i got her to go to the store for me because i felt really thirsty, i mean i was like if i dont get a drink soon i’ll die kinda thirsty lol. and i had a craving for coke. luckily there is a store 5 mins away from where i live. she she got me my fix.
then i started checking email. i got some good news. clodagh who is in charge of the independent living skills course at abode, which is where i was on respite last week, emailed me to tell me she had put my application before the assessment panel and it was approved. the bad news is that the one apartment that is used for someone who is on the course is being used right now, so it means i wouldnt be able to live there while i completed the course. i wont be starting right away either, the earliest i’ll be starting is in july. and the latest i could be offered a place would be next March. it really depends on when my name comes to the top of the waiting list.
i was so happy though to get her email. i also got an email from the chairperson whose on the bord of directors at shine. i was a member of the bord for the past 2 years. i recently decided to step down from being on the bord, because i felt i wasnt in the right emotional space to do the work it required. he wrote me a nice letter which was emailed to me today. he said very nice things in it and thanked me for the work and time i put into being on the bord.
when i got done checking email kristen dropped me to my parents house. and i’ll be here now until sunday. the rest of my day was chillaxed. i didnt get up to much. talked to mom for a while, then she went grocery shopping with my sister, i stayed home with my dad and the kiddos. had a long talk with my dad about his ongoing bowel problems. he’s seeing the gastroenterologist tomorrow. he’s been vomiting and had diarrhea all week and has already been to his gp twice about it. they’ve sent stool samples to the lab and he’s waiting for results of those to come back, they are thinking he’s gotten a bug in hisbowel. he already has an ulcerated colon, leesions on it which so far they’ve done nothing about. i’m hopeful this gastro doc will do something for him soon.
my friend rose also texted me this afternoon to say she was waiting in the psych ward to be assessed, she went there because she felt suicidal. i chatted via text with her for a while. she is one of dr. barrys patients too. the junior doc on dr. barrys team saw her and he went and spoke with dr. barry after asking her a ton of questions. however she was sent home with a referral to the home base crisis team, she was really angry with dr. barry, saying to me that she feels dr. barrys avoiding her, i asked her if she honestly believed that? she kept saying yes that she’s proved it over and over. I said but i thought you got along with dr. barry and liked her? apparently she doesnt.
the rest of my evening i just ordered some new books on audible, watched some tv, and that was about it. i ordered a book called but inside i’m screaming. it looks really good. about a journalist who ends up in a psych ward and has to come to terms with her past and find herself. i also orders a book by elizabeth ford about her work in belville hospital in new york, she is a psychiatrist, and wrote about her work with the patients of bellview. i’m looking forward to reading both of those soon.

i wish

i wish i wish
that things were different
that i didnt know
that i didnt have to go
that the past didnt eat away at my soul
i wish i wish that i was whole
i wish for so much
i long to be normal
whatever normal looks like
for me normal would be
to get through a day
without flashbacks
to go through a night
without nightmares
to sleep without any cares
i wish i wish
i wish to be free
and to just be able to be light and carefree.