Wide-awake

Cant sleep can sleep. Cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to Karen this morning. My thoughts are racing. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. My anxiety is through the roof. Feeling so nauseous like I want to throw up. Emotions all over the place. Is anyone awake? Could really use some support.

Judgement day

i want to hurt myself

and tell the world you did it

i want to scream, im in pain

but i never could admit it

i want to take all the hate

you put into my heart

i want to write it all on paper

and rip it all apart

i want to look at you with disgust

the way you looked at me

i want to hold up a mirror

so you can see what i had to see

i want to go back in time

and put up quite a fight

i want to be the one to win

but you keep me caged in fright

i want to be the one in control

and watch you shrink to the floor

i want to keep on hurting you

long after you scream no more

i want to watch you as a child

helpless and alone

i want to make you know

all the troubles that ive known

i want to make you yearn

for a love youll never get

i want to watch you run

into arms that pose a threat

i want to make you keep secrets

that made me go inside

i want to make you create

the only ones in whom you can confide

i want to take just one day

when our roles could be reversed

i want to make you hold the pain

and know that its the worst

i want to know that you understand

what your actions have done

i want to insure that in the future

your behaviors effect none

i want to warn the world

all youre capable of

i want to ban you from showing

your insincere kind of love

i want to but i cant

and theres only one thing to say

i want to let you know

everyone has a judgement day

I MAY REGRET THIS BUT I MAY NOT? :-) WE CAN HOPE

I MAY REGRET THIS OR I MAY NOT
BUT IS ANYONE OUT THERE?
ANYONE WITH DISSOCIATIVE PARTS, OR WHO HAS DID
OR WHO FEELS ALONE AND LIKE THEY HAVE NOBODY
I AM HERE AND I WANT TO TALK
I REALLY REALLY WOULD LOVE A CHAT
I AM FEELING SO ISOLATED AND DESPERATELY ALONE
I AM PART OF A DID SYSTEM AN ALTER IN A DID SYSTEM
A TEEN FINDING HER WAY IN THE WORLD
I’D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW OTHERS WHO CAN RELATE
OR ANY OF MY FOLLOWERS WHO MIGHT LIKE TO CHAT TO ME
I SOMETIMES AM A LITTLE VOLATILE AND ANGRY
BUT I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I ONLY KICK OFF IF I FEEL THREATENED OR HURT
I PROMISE NOT TO KICK OFF NOW I PROMISE TO BE CIVIL AND FRIENDLY
PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME?
LIZ

flashback trauma

flashbacks are kicking our collective ass. horrific memories are running rampant. taunting us. making us crazy. sending us spiraling. triggering us into a place of emotional instability.

Right now, I feel awful. I want an end to this pain. An end is all I want.

But it never ends. The pain threatens to take me down. If only the memories would stop?

taylor. i realy love my dr. barry

i got talk to dr. barry today. i got to have mosta the session. t was good i telled her how scared i was of the voises. how they were mean to me and telled me to hurt the body and hurt myself. she listened and she said how did i manage. and then itelled her about eileen and wat she tol me to do. and i telled her that i tried to do the things she said last night. like turning the volume of the voises down. and when i see the blood to change the color of it. she said it is good i am using my resourses. we talked about karen. i tol her my hart hurts becuase she leaving. she said it hard when you are losing someone important frum your life. she said that its hard to be hapy for karen and then to deal wif the feling of losing her too. i said ya it is. we ar gonna say goodbye to karen next week. we have a card for her and we writed a nice message inside it. i told dr. barry that i got stuked out last night. and this mornin. and i couldnt get back inside agin. i tried and tried but i culdnt. it skary cuz then i have to manage and try to be a growned up. and i cant do it. im not good at actin like a growned up. i tol dr. barry that i wish the bosses who gave karen the promoton wuld keep her on dr. barrys team. she said unfortunatly it dosnt work like that. and i said i wished it did. my dr. barry is so kind. she talk sofly to me. and she realy lisens to at i have to say. she never tries to get rid of me or say she has enough of me or noothin. i love her cuz shes special. she the best doctor. my best. and karen is my best social worker. i tol her we writed in te card yur simply the best. we talk about sarah and i said i am nervous to meet her. dr. barry said it wil be ok. that sarah kno to ask for carol anne or liz but if one of us kids comes out she is ok with it. and she wil talk to us and she wil be nice to us. i glad of that. dr. barry talked to her about us. so she knows and that is good. i not lookin forward to next week and sayin goodbye to karen. i think i wil cry. it gonna be so hard. i will hug her real hard and i wont wanna let go. dr. barry is gonna be there too i think. i glad bout that. it helps that she will be there too.

taylor

Not coping at all

i think i’m about to die. the emotions are so overwhelming. i cant turn off my brain. i am swimming in grief and desperation and trauma. sadness, sadness oh my god the sadness. i wish eileen was here. i wish i could hold her hand or have a hug. i need that contact. i crave it. i need that connection. i am alone. alone with my thoughts. alone with my fears. alone in the world on a dark night with rain beating down outside and memories taunting me. i have curled up with my baby nitro my dog and burrowed my face into his fur. he is safety. he is my calm. he is loyal and loving and wants to be there for me. right now i need him so much. but i need my therapist too. i really need her. things are not good. i dont feel well. i am so scared. scared of what is in my head. scared of my thoughts and of my feelings. i cant cope. i just cant do this.

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