Clamming up…losing my words…

I have so much I wanna say. I cant. I am lost for words.

My chest is tight my stomach hurts.

I feel clammy, sick, sweaty.

I am losing my shit. I wanna talk but I cant. I need to. I just cant though.

Everything is wrong. So much going on. I just need someone to hear me. Hear what I am not saying…

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Shit mood

I feel so shitty right now. My mood is very bla. I feel very down. I am depressed. I just feel so awful. Its not cool. I am so done with this shit. I want to feel good!

I had a bath to see if that would help. It sorta did. I still feel crappy, though.

At least I am drinking a lot of water, and eating a lot of fruit, so I am being healthy atleast which feels good.

At least I am taking care of my body! Although I did have a very unhealthy lunch today, but I am pulling back now and being more mindful of what I put in my face.

I just wish this low mood would go away! I hate it!

At least I am remembering to take my meds!

I have remembered all week, win win to me!

I am trying my hardest, that will have to be enough! I cant do any more than that!


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I need my therapist so bad right now

I really want to text my therapist. I need her so bad right now. I feel so alone. I cant text her, as its gone midnight. But I can email her which I did. The kids are scared and upset. They’ve been crying a lot tonight. They hate the dark. We dont really feel safe. we are feeling anxious and unsafe which is hard to cope with. Nitro is helping though. I just really need her right now. I wish I had her here with me. I have goten out my willow tree figures. She has some of those in her office and haivng mine out is helping me to feel connected to her. I have also gotten out my fleece throw. I wrapped up in it and that also helps me feel connected to her as she has one in her office which she wraps around us when we’re doing memory work. I hate feeling so needy. But I just cant help it. We just feel emotional. And overwhelmed.

Results

Remember I did a presentation a few weeks ago on schizophrenia for college? Well my results are in. I got 75 percent. That’s a fantastic result. Anything over 70 is a first class honour. I am ecstatic. Thrills to bits. I cant believe I got such a great result. The feedback I got was awesome too. Not many people in the class got a very high mark, so I am so happy that I did. I must have made an impression. I know a lot of the class liked the way I presented. They all said I was good and had a good speaking voice and presented the topic clearly and simply. I’m absolutely delighted with the two grades I’ve gotten yesterday and today. That’s is two parts of my module completed now. I got a 60 on my article review and a 75 on my presentation. One more to go and I will hand that in next week, I wont have the result for a few weeks though after I hand in the journal of learning. Once I get my result the 3 parts of the module will be put together and then an overalll grade will be given. Anyway. Just so happy right now. It’s a real confidence boost.

I’ve been thinking

So I’ve been thinking. You remember I said I had an opportunity to do a training course in IT and then do a work placement? Well I’ve decided not to go ahead with it. Basically if I was to go ahead with it, I stand to lose my benefits, and I just cant risk that. I need my medical card, I have to continue seeing dr. Barry, I cant lose her and if I lost my medical card I’d lose her too. That just isn’t an option for me. Plus also, the work placement was only for six weeks, and there was no guarantee of employment at the end of it. I am volunteering right now, and the staff at my volunteer job are really good to me, dropping me and picking me up, and generally being very helpful. If I was to do the training and then go into a six week employment somewhere, I might get somewhere really far away and it would cost me a small fortune to get there every day as I am not confident enough to do the route to get to where it would be. So I think this is the best option for me. I texted the person organizing it and I just said something came up and I wouldn’t be able to commit to the training. I left it at that. I’m happy with my decision. It was a nice offer, but for now I dont think it fits my needs. Maybe in the future if things change I can do something like this if its offered again. Also, my depression and mental health issues are not great at the moment, and I wouldn’t want to start into something and then not be able to complete it. And really, losing dr. Barry was the deciding factor, there was never any way that would even be a possibility for me, I am far too attached to her and I need her to function and if I didn’t have her I’d be in a far worse position than I am in right now.