Book review: Survivors, by Maggie Oliver

I just finished an amazing book. It was a long book, over 10.5 hours in audio. But it is so worth it, I highly recommend it to everyone!
the book is called survivors, and is written by maggie oliver.
It is the story of the child abuse scandal in rochdale in manchester in the UK, this was a huge case, it was where white girls were being groomed and sexually abused and exploited by pacastani and asian men, the men were grooming the girls first, and then abusing them.
Maggie was a detective working on the case. The story centres mainly around one family who went through the abuse, it centres on a mother and her two girls, and the majority of the book is about them.
but during the story, maggie also talks about her own life, her life story is intertwined within the book also. She openly talks about losing her husband to bowel cancer, about losing her grandaughter, and about her grief.
She also talks about her training to become a police officer, and about the different jobs she worked on while she was a police officer.
And, she doesnt shy away from the bad side of being a police officer either. She talks about how she was bullied when she first started, and then as the rochdale case was going on, she talks about how she found things done during the case to be wrong, she had a lot of misgivings about how it was being handled. But nobody would listen to her. No one in the police was taking her seriously.
At the end of the book she talks about her time on celebrity big brother, and about the tv show that was made depicting the rochdale case.
Its a fascinating story, and once you start it, you’ll be hooked, just like I was.
The book is definitely a page turner!
Its available on audible, on kindle, and in paperback.
I give the book 5 stars!

Self care, its important…

Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.
Douglas Pagels

the anxiety monster is rearing its ugly head again…

Anxiety! Fuck! I’m so so anxious!

I’m shaking like a leaf! I have palpitations, and my heart is pounding!

this is no fun, no fun at all!

I am seriously fed up with the massive amounts of anxiety that hits me at night. But what to do! I do everything I can to distract from it!

I wish I knew how to fix it!

I feel so out of it right now! Not sleeping at all either! Its gone midnight here now!

I just hope the anxiety monster lets up soon!

Assessment of needs

So my public health nurse called me back. She wans to come out and meet me. She said she’d like to assess my needs.
I already have a file with them, as I’ve seen public health nurses in the past for various things. She provisionally booked me in for next wednesday, but she said she’d be in touch next week to arrange it and firm up dates.
I am so nervous. I will have to tell her my history, about my mental health, how I struggle so much with that. Its not just my blindness causing me problems. The mental illnesses are a far more complex part of my history and actually I would say they are more what I struggle with.
Although I will of course put down blindness also, as thats my primary disability. In order to get more PA hours, I have to say what I am going to use them for. She told me to think about what I need, why I need the hours, she gave me a few suggestions, like we can use them to batch cook, or for my PA to iron clothes, do laundry etc.
All of this relates to my blindness, but in regards to my did and ptsd and anxiety, we can also use hours for socialising, going places, getting out and about. The PA doesnt have to know all of my history, and probably wont be trained in anything to do with mental health anyway.
So between now and next week, I will think on somc ideas for what I will use my hours on, and I will write down some notes. Then I can use my laptop and read out to the nurse what I’ve written down.
I’m not sure how long its going to take to get extra hours, the place providing them are very slow, there’s lots of red tape, paperwork to go through when applying, and then it has to go before a bord. They’ve refused me in the past, saying I was too independent. I hope they dont do that again. Who says how independent a person is anyway, they dont know me at all.
I am hopeful, and hoping for the best outcome once I apply.

The meds made me sleepy!

Last night, I took 25 mg of fenergan, 2 mg of clonadine, and my regular night meds, before bed.
I wanted to watch operation transformation, which was on at 9:35. I started to watch it, but 10 mins in I fell into a deep sleep.
The meds made me so so sleepy!
I woke when it was over! And I went straight to bed then.
I slept all night! I woke up at 2:30 but I wasnt able to stay awake, so I went back to sleep again.
I woke again at 6:30, feeling so out of it!
I dont think I’m going to take the fenergan again, unless its absolutely necessary. I hate how it makes me feel.
Now, I’ve had a couple cups of coffee, so that grogginess has passed.
thank god!

From Emily, anxiety again

Hihihii guys
I’m so anxious. I cant breathe good. My chest hurts. My heart is pounding. I got really triggered. I was having flashbacks, which triggered me to have a panic attack.

I’m so scared. I dont know what to do. Its hard to breathe, I’m also shaking a lot.

Is anyone around to talk? If you are able to write me that will be good. I might feel better if I chat to someone, it might take my mind off the memories.

Right now I am just feeling so anxious. Its 1 AM now. I’m going to make some tea. Because, tea makes everything better.
Butterfly hugs,
Loves you,
Emily, age 12