She’s a gem!

Eileen just called us. We talked and now I feel much better. I feel much calmer.
I was super anxious, and triggered, since I got the news earlier today about the calcoscopy.
I really, really dont wanna do this but I have too, I dont have a choice.
Eileen reassured me that the nurses and doctors are very professional, and that they are very experienced, and used to dealing with all sorta issues and challenges.
She encouraged me to tell them that I’ve had some bad experiences in my past, and that I am very nervous, she said I dont need to go into specifics, that I can just say it in generalised terms, so thats what I think I’ll do!
She said next week in our session we’d make a plan for whose going to come out and be out when we have the test.
She reassured us that its different now, we are safe, nobody is going to hurt us, they will be very respectful, and treat us with respect and they wont want to unduely cause us any stress.
I believe her. She used to be a nurse, before she became a therapist, she knows what she’s talking about.
She told me to put the test out of my head for now, and for me not to spend the next 2 weeks being anxious and upset and feeling so triggered that its effecting me physically and emotionally. She said, wouldnt it be awful if you spent the next 2 weeks, going through the what ifs in your head, worrying about it? I agreed. It would be tragic if I did that.
So for now I’m done worrying. I’ll just remember her words, and put the test out of my head. I will ring the clinic in the morning, and tell them I am blind, and ask if my mom can come in to the room while I am having the test done. Then when I see the consultant I shall say to her that I have gone through some things in my past, and that I am nervous and hope she’ll be understanding.
Thank god for Eileen! She’s my rock! What would I do without her calming reassurance, I’d definitely be an emotional wreck for the next 2 weeks! I am so, so blessed to have her!

I am a survivor

I climb in the shower
Let the water run
It pours over my body
Hot, but then
I cool it down a little
The shower is so healing
I stand there
Washing my day away
washing my pain
And sadness
and emotional overwhelm away
as water pours
I think about life
How I am surviving it
On a daily basis
Its hard, but I am doing it
and I will continue to do it
No matter what
Surviving, is what I am good at
and as the water soaks my skin
I listen
I hear my own heartbeat
and I know
I am alive
I have survived

A bit of a mental health post

I didnt sleep hardly at all. If I got 2 hours it was a lot. And that was broken sleep. I just couldnt sleep. First off it was too damn hot to sleep. My bedroom in my parents house is roasting, I even left my window open, but that did nothing, I couldnt feel any air coming in. I just played on my computer, read a book, watched netflix, and during the night I got up to find something to nibble on. I tried to do it quietly as I didnt wanna wake my parents up. The night was neverending. I was feeling so anxious, my head felt strange too. My anxiety reached a peak at around 4 AM. I thought I was coming unglued. I was jumping at every little sound and it felt as if I was going to come out of my skin. It is a horrible feeling. I tried everything and eventually I nodded off, I was even debating taking some extra clonadine, I had no fenergan here to take, thats what I usually take when I am not sleeping good. If I had some I’d have taken it. I woke with a start at 6:45, and got up then as I was anxious again so needed to get a cup of tea in to me. My dad was up by then, I had a cup of tea, got a shower, and now I feel more human again. I am heading back home to my own house this afternoon, at least the sun is shining, its another beautiful day here today. It makes me happy. I love to see the shining, feel its warmth on my skin. It makes me feel good. I wish I had something for the anxiety, my clonadine is only for night time, and I only take 1 MG, we havent increased it yet because of coronavirus, Dr. Barry didnt want to mess with my meds over the phone. I hope I can go in to see her soon, the travel restrictions here are being lifted on June 8th, we can now go 20 kilometres from our house, which well I am not sure how many miles that is, but its enough that I might get to go see Dr. Barry and Eileen face to face. I hope I can. Ok off to have breakfast now.


No therapy session this week

Eileen just texted us. She doesnt have an available slot for us this week. We’d normally do Mondays but tomorrow is a bank holiday here and she doesnt work bank holidays. She didnt have another available slot in the week, so she’s put us down for the 8th of June at our normal time.

Its fine, we’ll be fine. We can text or email her if we need to, and if we need to talk she’ll phone us, so its all good.

It will feel weird not having a session. Its rare that we dont have our session. I can only count a handful of times where we didnt have our weekly session in the whole almost 8 years that we’ve seen her.

I texted her back with an update on us, so she knows how we’re doing.


When you are alone

when you are alone
in the darkness
everything feels
just a little more overwhelming
when you are alone
and so scared
you feel weak
you feel vulnerable
it is then
you wish you had someone
to pull you close
hold you tight
it is then
you need an ear
a friend
a hug
when you are alone


it is Em, felt so bad earlier, so I texted eileen

hihihi everybody
It is me Em. I was feeling really bad this morning. My body was hurting, and I felt awful. I felt really triggered.
I decided to text our therapist Eileen to tell her. So I did.
She got back to me later on in the day. After I texted her I hid in our bedroom with our fan on and I climbed into bed and took a long nap.
It helped. I feel much better now. I am not triggered any more.
Eileen asked me if I need to see a doctor. And she said maybe I am stuck in memories and I just forgot I am safe now. Its true I did forget.
I was so glad she texted me back. I knew she would when she could.
It was so reassuring. I reread the text a bunch of times.
Am so glad i feel better now.
butterfly hugs
love, em

Panic so I texted eileen

I got in a bit of a panic. I lost my words. I couldnt find my words. I was afraid I wouldnt be able to talk in therapy.
so I texted eileen. I told her I am feeling numb, and my words are gone, and I need help.
she texted back and she said she’d help me. not to worry that we’d find the words. she’d help us.
love her. she’s so good to me. and to all of us.
I texted back and now I feel a little less panicky. I am trying to calm down.
love, em