Song of the day…rainbow by Kesha

Rainbow

by Kesha

I used to live in the darkness
Dress in black, act so heartless, but now
I see that colors are everything
Got kaleidoscopes in my hairdo
Got back the stars in my eyes, too, yeah now
I see the magic inside of me
Yeah, maybe my head’s fucked up
But I’m falling right back in love with being alive
Dreaming in light, light, lights
This kitty cat lost her mind
Been lookin’ for a star-sent sign that I’ll be alright
Look to the skies
I’ve found a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know, life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and play along with me tonight
I’d forgot how to daydream
So consumed with the wrong things, but in
The dark, I realized this life is short
And deep down, I’m still a child
Playful eyes, wide and wild, I can’t
Lose hope, what’s left of my heart’s still made of gold
And I know that I’m still fucked up
But aren’t we all, my love?
Darling, our scars make us who we are, are
So when the winds are howling strong
And you think you can’t go on, hold tight, sweetheart
You’ll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and play along with me tonight
You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you
Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight
Night, night, night, night, night
I found a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you
Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight
Oh, put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight
Come and paint the world with me tonight

Sad because I had to quit college

I am so sad tonight. I had to quit college. I failed an assignment. I couldnt believe I got an F on it. I was heartbroken. I decided the pressure was too much. I cant keep everything going. I have way too much going on right now, what with symptoms flaring, and ptsd stuff coming up. Also I dont think I am cut out for college. I’m feeling pretty disheartened, but it was for the best. I think and feel I did the right thing.
We were almost done for the term anyway. I stuck it out as long as I could. But with all that is going on I couldnt keep it up. I feel like such a failure.
I feel like I constantly start things but dont finish them. This course was meant to help me out with extra training to help with my volunteering, but then, part of me says, well, I am already the expert, I have mental illness, I dont need training in it.
I guess its ok. I had to do what I had to do.
Just feel bad about it. I just emailed my coordinator to tell her of my plans.
I hope she’ll be ok with it.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Elemental writing challenge, april 18th

Tears
Cascading down my face
A torrent of emotions surfacing
All at once
I weep uncontrollably
Thinking of all that I have lost
Innocence stolen
A childhood lost
To abuse and neglect
From people entrusted to care
Care they did not
Hurt, trauma and abuse
Was what they put me through
For many, many years
My tears flow
Like a river
I wonder if the waters will ever subside

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2019/04/18/elemental-writing-challenge-april-18/

Fowc with fandango, prone

I AM PRONE
TO ANGER OUTBURSTS
TO RAGES SO WILD
THEY MAKE OTHERS AFRAID
I AM PRONE
TO HAVING AN ATTITUDE
AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT, TOUGH!
I AM PRONE
TO BEING THE ALTER EVERYONE LOVES TO HATE
THE ONE MOST PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF
THE ONE WHO WOULD TURN ON YOU IN A HEARTBEAT
BUT I AM ALSO PRONE
TO PROTECT MY PEOPLE FIERCELY
TO FIGHT FOR US UNTIL THE BITTER END
TO HAVE THE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS
I AM PRONE TO BEING HONEST
STRAIGHT TALKING
A SAY IT LIKE IT IS SORTA PERSON
I AM ME
PRONE TO SO MANY WAYS OF BEING
GET TO KNOW ME
IT’LL BE A WILD RIDE

WRITTEN BY LIZ, AN ALTER IN OUR SYSTEM

 

FOWC with Fandango — Prone

dr. barry tells me…I’m so proud of you!

Dr. barry and me had a great apt yesterday. It was so lovely to see her. I was so looking forward to our apt after a 3 week break.

During our apt we were talking and she said to me…

Your out of the hospital two years this week. Were you aware of that?

Me? Two years, wow! It has flown!

Dr. barry: I’m so, so proud of you. Your doing great. Your managing so much at the moment, and your coping, you arent in crisis. Well done!

Just hearing her say those words, I’m so proud of you, really helped me so much. I am managing a lot. Easter is hard. Our birthday week is hard. I’ve been dealing with a lot of ptsd symptoms lately. But I am managing, I’m getting through each day. I’m finding that I am able to cope more nowadays.

A few years ago I’d never have been able to do that. I’d have drowned in all the turmoil of the emotional upheaval that is my life sometimes.. I’d have gone into a crisis. I’d have ended up in the psych ward.

Thats real progress that I’m not in there. And to hear dr. barry say that meant the world to me.

I want nothing more than to make her proud. She’s done so much for me. She’s been through so much with us. For six years she’s stood by our side, she has helped us through a whole lot of stuff and we are so so grateful for her support.

When we came out of her office and went to the desk to make the next apt, she asked the secretary to fit me in in two weeks time, the secretary said, I cant, your not here that week, is 3 weeks ok?

Dr. barry hesitated, knowing that I usually see her every two weeks, and knowing also that its hard for me to go longer than that, I panic, I usually cant cope, I get all worried and insecure. But I said, thats ok, 3 weeks is ok.

She said to me, are you sure? I said I was. As we walked together to the front entrance, she said to me, you know, I’m so, so proud of you, you know that? The fact that you even agreed to wait 3 weeks to see me, I know thats a huge deal for you.

I was touched that she realised how important it is to me and how I didnt agree to it lightly. I think we’ll be ok though, although eileen is on holidays too next week, so we have little support next week, but we are able to email eileen if we need to do that.

I’m happy we had such a great appointment, and it feels so nice to be told how proud she is of me. It makes me glow. My heart swells with pride.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Well Guys, it’s that time again, time to be weighed in

Another week gone by, time goes so fast. It’s time for me to go and get weighed in. Hoping hoping hoping to be down this week. We shall see. I guess only time will tell whether I’ve done enough this week or not. I hope I have. I’m really hopeful that I’ve done all the right things this week. So please guys wish me the best of luck. Here’s hoping for a good result tonight. I’ll be so happy if I’m down even 1 pound I’ll take a pound. But if I’m down more I’ll be happy to. Hope for the best anyway.