restful day and my vacation etc, etc

besides my appointments today i had a pretty busy day. when i finished with dr. barry i rang mom and she said she was already at my house. my sister had dropped her there on her way to work. she got called into work to do relief and so she had to drop my mom off early. so i got the taxi home and then i sat chatting to mom for a while. she made me lunch. despite not losing any weight this week i still ate healthily. i had a turkey sandwich for lunch. mom ironed some of my clothes for going on vacation this weekend. she also put on some laundry for me. and did dishes. i wanted to recycle some clothes and donate them to charity. i had a couple of shirts that no longer fit me so i asked mom if she’d take them to the charity shop and she said she would. mom stayed at my house for 3 hours. when she left i was tired so i ended up laying down for a little while. i didnt sleep though. i just read my book. my home help came at 4. she helped me cook dinner. i had sweet potato fries and chicken wings for dinner. the wings were really spicy. i enjoyed them. when my home help left i layed on the couch watching tv. i put the kids horse blanket over me. its so fluffy and soft that i actually dozed off while i was under it. i slept for an hour or so. i woke up feeling refreshed. i’ve been online and watching tv for the rest of the evening. i watched long lost families, and law and order SVU, and I’m about to start watching I survived. I’ve already taken my night meds. I’m debating whether I should pick up the emergency prescription dr. barry gave me or whether i should just not take it. i dont have to take it. i could always take a couple of haldol with me on vacation this weekend in case of emergency. i should sleep ok on vacation though. i cant imagine i’ll have trouble sleeping. i’ll have my mom and sister in the apartment with me so i wont be alone. plus i’ll probably drink some alcohol so that will put me to sleep as well. my pa kristen will be here tomorrow morning at 8:30 AM. we have to clean the house. i dont have anything else that i really need to do. i’m going to ask her to drop me to mom and dads when we are finished. i’ll be there then until monday. well i wont be there i’ll be on vacation. i cant wait for vacation. i hope the weather is going to hold out for us. it said rain but hopefully they got it wrong. hopefully it will stay dry and we can go to the beach.

my appointment with dr. barry, and no goodbye

so i saw dr. barry this morning. i left to go see her at 8:30. it was pouring rain so i left nitro at home. i had a bit of a wait because dr. barry doesnt come in until 9:30 because she gets her kids off to school first. she saw me at around 10 AM. i told her how anxious i was about saying goodbye to karen. then she said it wont be happening today…karen got called away to a meeting. she said you can wait until 11 AM until karen comes back if you want, or we can leave it until next week. i decided i’d wait until next week. i dont want to rush the goodbye. dr. barry encouraged me to internalise the positive things about our relationship and remember the good things about karen. she said its very positive the fact that I was able to forge a relationship with karen despite my attachment issues and trauma issues. she said i could have put boundaries up and distanced myself and not engaged fully with karen but i didnt do that. she praised me and said that i did a great job. we talked about therapy and eileen being on break. i was telling her how i find the space hard to deal with. i find when eileen isnt there it feels like there is this huge distance between us. i need to hear her voice or have some tangible way of connecting with her. otherwise the space just feels like this huge gaping hole. i think she got it. she seemed to understand. she asked me what resources i was using and we talked about my blog and twitter and my email support group. she said those were all good resources. we also talked about reaching out to friends and using grounding techniques that I’e learned. i told her that in therapy i’d worked with eileen and created a room that is like eileens office and eileen is internalised in there and when we need to we go in there and bring eileen in there with us. she thought that was a great idea. we talked about sleep and i told her i am not sleeping again. over the past few days i’ve gotten about 8 hours sleep in total. she said that wasnt good. she asked if i’d like to go back on a sleeping tablet for a week. at first i said no. then she said it might be a good idea just to get my sleep pattern regulated again. she said she could write me an emergency prescription for halcion. so i took that and will go back on it for 7 days. we talked about meds then. i was telling her how a couple of years ago i was on 40 mg of valium and she said that benzos are so addictive and she doesnt mind prescribing them short term but long term she said its not good prescribing practice to use them for patients. i agree. she said we may try lamictal again if my mood doesnt lift. but i’m already on depokate and keppra and lyrica so another anticonvulsant med might not work or might cause unnecessary side effects. she said we’d wait and see. i’ll see her next week and then the following week she’s on vacation because her kids are going back to school and so she’s taking the week off to be with them. i told her that i’d need to prepare for that. its crazy how i get so worked up and need to prepare for every vacation she takes. it makes me feel like i am abnormal. but i literally do need to prepare myself before she goes. its like i need to build myself up to it. she reminded me that its only a week and she’d be back before i know it. so i have another week now to ruminate about karen leaving and to get all anxious and worked up about the goodbye. i’m trying not to but its so hard. i showed dr. barry the card i’d maded for karen and she said it was very touching and she thought karen would love it. i hope she will.

good morning or is it?

I finally got to sleep at around 5 AM. Got about 2 hours I’d say. Mom called at 7:15. It was lucky she did or otherwise I might not have woken up. I got up and dressed and had my coffee and am now anxiously waiting for my taxi to pick me up to go see dr. Barry.
I have a knot in my stomach. Its like this huge ball of fear and anxiousness. The tension is massive. I just hope I can make it through this morning.

Wide-awake

Cant sleep can sleep. Cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to Karen this morning. My thoughts are racing. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. My anxiety is through the roof. Feeling so nauseous like I want to throw up. Emotions all over the place. Is anyone awake? Could really use some support.

its allie

its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.

i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.

why is night time so hard?

I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.

allie

Judgement day

i want to hurt myself

and tell the world you did it

i want to scream, im in pain

but i never could admit it

i want to take all the hate

you put into my heart

i want to write it all on paper

and rip it all apart

i want to look at you with disgust

the way you looked at me

i want to hold up a mirror

so you can see what i had to see

i want to go back in time

and put up quite a fight

i want to be the one to win

but you keep me caged in fright

i want to be the one in control

and watch you shrink to the floor

i want to keep on hurting you

long after you scream no more

i want to watch you as a child

helpless and alone

i want to make you know

all the troubles that ive known

i want to make you yearn

for a love youll never get

i want to watch you run

into arms that pose a threat

i want to make you keep secrets

that made me go inside

i want to make you create

the only ones in whom you can confide

i want to take just one day

when our roles could be reversed

i want to make you hold the pain

and know that its the worst

i want to know that you understand

what your actions have done

i want to insure that in the future

your behaviors effect none

i want to warn the world

all youre capable of

i want to ban you from showing

your insincere kind of love

i want to but i cant

and theres only one thing to say

i want to let you know

everyone has a judgement day

I can feel the anxiety rising

another sleepless night. i lie awake thinking. thinking about tomorrow. thinking about losing karen from my life. thinking i miss her already. cant sleep so might as well get up. made myself some popcorn chicken. it was good. i didnt sort out my computer issue but I think I’ve found another way to do what I want to do. Its just weird how it wouldnt recognise my cd drive. Mom told me tonight she’d come over tomorrow after I am finished seeing dr. barry. She said if the weather is good she will cut the grass. my sister will drop her off on her way to work. I can feel the anxiet about saying goodbye to karen starting already. I think I’d better put her card in my purse otherwise I’ll walk out of the house without it in the morning.