Saturdays goals

So my goals for saturday are:

take meds
eat 3 healthy and balanced meals
exercise for 20 to 30 minutes
go visit my friend
read my book
watch irelands got talent, to relax in the evening
get a nap in if I can



staring blankly
she starts to think
starts to tremble
shake uncontrollably
flashes engulf her mind and body
flashes from the past
she begins to cry
silent tears
silent screams
nothing escapes her lips
quivering, shaking
trembling, she pulls her arms tightly around her body
she waits for the tornado to disapate
it does, eventually
as she lies on her bed
she wonders why
and softly cries

And yeah depression…

has set in. I just feel so defeated.
I really cant deal. I am so overwhelmed. I really cant wait until tomorrow to see dr. barry. I need the apt. I need to talk this out. If I can, that is.
I am also seeing my OT mark tomorrow morning. I used to see him once a month. but since I started the ILS course we don’t see each other much. But he’s always only a phone call away.
Tomorrow will be our first apt in a while. Its just a general catch up.
I just feel so blah tonight. Everything feels like its going in slow motion. I feel very sluggish and slowed down. I don’t feel like doing anything. I need to shower for tomorrow. I put the hot water on but I don’t feel like getting in the shower. I just want to curl up and hide.
I will shower later on because I know its the right things to do so I don’t smell bad. I don’t want to go to see dr. barry and smell bad and look dirty because I didn’t shower.
I’m just on a bit of a downward spiral. And I cant seem to pull myself out of it.
so much for having a week off. If I knew it was going to be this bad I wouldn’t have wanted a week off. I hate when my mood is so bad. It is just so all consuming.
I decided on Thursday I will go to the basement club. I haven gone there since I started on the ILS course. They will think I don’t want to come in any more. Truth is though I haven’t had time. I haven’t had any time off to just go there and call in to see everyone. I am looking forward to doing tha tthis Thursday and possibly Friday too.

I didnt go

I didn’t go volunteering today. I just couldn’t.
My mood never picked up. I felt really really off. Just was feeling overwhelmed, very much so.
So I called the office and told them I wouldn’t be in.
And then I went to bed. And I actually slept for like 3 hours. And now that I did that I am feeling a little bit better.
Not 100 percent better, but a little at least.
When I woke up I ate something. And then I made a cup of tea.
I think I just have to be nice to myself today. Do a little self care.
Tomorrow I will see dr. Barry. I am thinking I really need to see her. I am actually pretty excited for my apt tomorrow.
Hopefully it will help and I will feel much better after it.

Struggling this morning

i’m really struggling this morning. i’m struggling to stay upbeat and positive.
I feel so depressed. I cant seem to shake it. my mood just feels very low.
I will still go volunteering, I’m hoping getting out of the house and meeting other people will lift my mood and that going there will also make me feel good about myself.
Even the fact that the weather is nice outside and the birds are singing outside my windows isn’t even cheering me up.
Nothing is doing it for me. I just feel so blah.
I’m due my 3 monthly injection tomorrow. I’m glad I’ll be getting it. I always know when its close to time to get it. My mood always dips.
Anyway. Hoping I can turn the day around. We shall see.

allie missing eileen

I miss Eileen tonight.

we shoulda been having our session today. but we didn’t cuz it was a bank holiday.

we’ll see her on Thursday. but it seems so far away.

I did email her though. I told her how much I loved her. and am missing her.

I took out her rose scent and sniffed it over and over. I don’t care if people think I’m weird. Eileen gave me the empty bottle and I always smell it and the scent still hasn’t gone out of it.

I also listened to her reading in my heart to me. I have that recorded. she said we can read another book soon. I cant wait. I will record her reading to us again. we left the book today I feel silly, and other moods that make my day in her office. so we’ll probably read that one.

Thursday better come quick. I need to go to therapy.
I need a hug from Eileen.

allie, age 9