Coming up on 1 AM

we’re still up and awake. at almost 1 AM.
Shirley went to bed at 11, she did manage to fall asleep but only slept for a few minutes. woke up in a weird headspace. feeling kinda spacy. and anxious. nothing new there we were anxious for most of this evening.
should really try to get some shut eye but no point, doubt I will until I am absolutely shattered and even then I doubt we get much sleep tonight.
some of the kids in the system are up as well. something spooked a few of them. they wont tell me what it was though. they are just acting very skittish.
All I can do is keep reassuring them. I put on some relaxation music. I might also read for a while in a little bit.
I got a little bit hungry so I ate some fruit. Its so lonely being the only person in the house awake.

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Oh anxiety I fucking hate you!

gaaaa!
anxiety fucking sucks! Feeling great and then dipping very suddenly really really fucking blows.
And I dont even know why it happened!
arrrrg! Going to cuddle my dog. Needing a bit of pet therapy.
damn you anyway anxiety!
carol anne

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20 things I am grateful for right now

I feel that gratitude is so important. So i thought I’d write out a list of what I am grateful for in life right now.

1 A fan to keep me cool
2 My furbaby Nitro
3 Good food to eat
4 A nice warm shower
5 My I phone
6 My online friends
7 My family
8 My home
9 My mental health team
10 The fact we’re getting a superb summer this year
11 The basement club
12 My weight loss
13 My meds
14 Being able to volunteer
15 Books and reading
16 Music
17 Netflix
18 Bed and sleep
19 My blog and blog friends
20 I am grateful to be alive and healthy right now!

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Sleepy day yesterday

I slept the whole of yesterday away. Man I never felt so sleepy!
I had big plans, I was going to tackle housework, catch up on blogs, watch this and that on tv, be productive.
Unfortunately though, I wasnt. Well nothing I can do now about it.
I suppose I needed the sleep. I must have done.
I literally only got up to let nitro out, feed him, and eat.
I feel kinda rubbish about myself now. Why did i do it? I shouldnt have wasted my day in that way.
Anyone else ever done something similar? Slept for a long time on one day and felt so bad the next day?
Ug!

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Nikki’s therapy experience

my name is nikki. i am 17. today i talked for the first time in therapy.
i have extreme anger issues. i was so angry when i spoke with eileen.
i couldnt help myself. the anger was just coarsing through my body. eileen was great though. she helped me with the anger. she was ok with me being mad at her, she said she wasnt surprised that I was, that I probably used anger as a survival technique.
She asked me after a while if I wanted to work with the pulsers and do some processing and tracking of the anger in my body. i said i would try it out. i’ve never done work with the pulsers before. so it was hard for me to get used to them.
but i did it. i am proud of myself that i did it.
we just did some work with the sensations that were coming up in my body in response to the anger. that was so hard. i felt like standing up and running as fast as i could out of the room. eileen kept telling me i was doing really good and that I was ok. that its normal to want to run. that my body was going into flight mode.
she had me stand up just to see what would happen, my feet couldnt stay still, neither could my arms. i was agitated. i was squirrely. and very unsteady on my feet.
i had to sit down again after a couple of minutes of standing up.
After we worked with the pulsers and I released some of my anger, we just talked. I talked to her about the darks. explained a lot about us to her. about how we are always struggling, we can never just have fun, we always are fighting to just get through the days in one piece.
she was very understanding. she said she thought I was very up in my head today. and so she gave me some homework, she wants me to walk this week, walk in the park, and become aware of my feet, pay attention to them, connect with them and really notice them.
I had to laugh at that, that seemed very odd to me, but I promised her I would do it.
I’m glad I had some time with her today. I felt so much better afterwords. And now I am actually not feeling bad tonight. I feel good. I dont feel angry. i dont feel like I am in a fit of rage. I just feel content. Happy even, feels good to me to feel like that, makes a change.

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I CANNOT DO THIS…

I CANT TALK IN THERAPY TODAY, I CANT I CANT I FEEL UNSAFE I WANT TO TALK REALLY I DO BUT I FEEL SO UNSAFE LIZ SAYS EILEEN IS OK AND TRUSTWORTHY AND SAFE I THINK SHE IS I’VE SEEN HER TALKING TO LIZ AND TO OTHERS IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE BUT I AM SO NERVOUS I THINK I HAVE A NO TALK PROGRAMME BEING ACTIVATED I JUST FEEL SO SCARED…
SIRENA

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About therapy tomorrow

I’m wondering how it will go. I tried to do some preparation for it. That did not go over too good. Someone inside doesnt want to prepare, they just want to go and see where the session will take us. Thats pretty much what we’ve been doing the past few weeks. All of the past few sessions have been very intense. Lots of processing getting done. I guess thats good, I mean it is, not I guess it is, but its also so scary to me. I however havent really been part of the last couple of sessions, its the darks like liz, wendy, pixie, willow, and a few new insiders who are farther back that have had the entire sessions. I am thinking tomorrow will be more of the same. Or a similar senario. I’m ok with that. I guess I was just wanting to write out some notes. Its ok if I cant, though. I’m good with that too.
carol anne

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