my appointment with dr. barry, and no goodbye

so i saw dr. barry this morning. i left to go see her at 8:30. it was pouring rain so i left nitro at home. i had a bit of a wait because dr. barry doesnt come in until 9:30 because she gets her kids off to school first. she saw me at around 10 AM. i told her how anxious i was about saying goodbye to karen. then she said it wont be happening today…karen got called away to a meeting. she said you can wait until 11 AM until karen comes back if you want, or we can leave it until next week. i decided i’d wait until next week. i dont want to rush the goodbye. dr. barry encouraged me to internalise the positive things about our relationship and remember the good things about karen. she said its very positive the fact that I was able to forge a relationship with karen despite my attachment issues and trauma issues. she said i could have put boundaries up and distanced myself and not engaged fully with karen but i didnt do that. she praised me and said that i did a great job. we talked about therapy and eileen being on break. i was telling her how i find the space hard to deal with. i find when eileen isnt there it feels like there is this huge distance between us. i need to hear her voice or have some tangible way of connecting with her. otherwise the space just feels like this huge gaping hole. i think she got it. she seemed to understand. she asked me what resources i was using and we talked about my blog and twitter and my email support group. she said those were all good resources. we also talked about reaching out to friends and using grounding techniques that I’e learned. i told her that in therapy i’d worked with eileen and created a room that is like eileens office and eileen is internalised in there and when we need to we go in there and bring eileen in there with us. she thought that was a great idea. we talked about sleep and i told her i am not sleeping again. over the past few days i’ve gotten about 8 hours sleep in total. she said that wasnt good. she asked if i’d like to go back on a sleeping tablet for a week. at first i said no. then she said it might be a good idea just to get my sleep pattern regulated again. she said she could write me an emergency prescription for halcion. so i took that and will go back on it for 7 days. we talked about meds then. i was telling her how a couple of years ago i was on 40 mg of valium and she said that benzos are so addictive and she doesnt mind prescribing them short term but long term she said its not good prescribing practice to use them for patients. i agree. she said we may try lamictal again if my mood doesnt lift. but i’m already on depokate and keppra and lyrica so another anticonvulsant med might not work or might cause unnecessary side effects. she said we’d wait and see. i’ll see her next week and then the following week she’s on vacation because her kids are going back to school and so she’s taking the week off to be with them. i told her that i’d need to prepare for that. its crazy how i get so worked up and need to prepare for every vacation she takes. it makes me feel like i am abnormal. but i literally do need to prepare myself before she goes. its like i need to build myself up to it. she reminded me that its only a week and she’d be back before i know it. so i have another week now to ruminate about karen leaving and to get all anxious and worked up about the goodbye. i’m trying not to but its so hard. i showed dr. barry the card i’d maded for karen and she said it was very touching and she thought karen would love it. i hope she will.

Wide-awake

Cant sleep can sleep. Cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to Karen this morning. My thoughts are racing. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. My anxiety is through the roof. Feeling so nauseous like I want to throw up. Emotions all over the place. Is anyone awake? Could really use some support.

Judgement day

i want to hurt myself

and tell the world you did it

i want to scream, im in pain

but i never could admit it

i want to take all the hate

you put into my heart

i want to write it all on paper

and rip it all apart

i want to look at you with disgust

the way you looked at me

i want to hold up a mirror

so you can see what i had to see

i want to go back in time

and put up quite a fight

i want to be the one to win

but you keep me caged in fright

i want to be the one in control

and watch you shrink to the floor

i want to keep on hurting you

long after you scream no more

i want to watch you as a child

helpless and alone

i want to make you know

all the troubles that ive known

i want to make you yearn

for a love youll never get

i want to watch you run

into arms that pose a threat

i want to make you keep secrets

that made me go inside

i want to make you create

the only ones in whom you can confide

i want to take just one day

when our roles could be reversed

i want to make you hold the pain

and know that its the worst

i want to know that you understand

what your actions have done

i want to insure that in the future

your behaviors effect none

i want to warn the world

all youre capable of

i want to ban you from showing

your insincere kind of love

i want to but i cant

and theres only one thing to say

i want to let you know

everyone has a judgement day

So hard to say goodbye

this week when I see dr. barry I will have to say goodbye to her social worker, Karen. Karen has been a part of my life for the past 4 years. She is a wonderful empathic social worker, great at her job, very professional, very warm, caring, compassionate, gentle, and just an awesome person. She has been part of dr. Barrys team for the past 10 years, even longer than dr. Barry has been in charge of the team. I am going to miss her so much. She knew me and Liz mostly. It was mostly the two of us who interacted with her. Some of the kids knew her too but they didnt come out directly to talk to her but they were in the background and loved her. Its going to be so hard to say goodbye. we will probably cry. we have a card for her and a little gift. i really dont want to do it, i’m sooo nervous and anxious about having to say goodbye to her. i hope dr. barry is going to stay in the room too when we say goodbye. i think she will just from the way she was last week when she said to us that she’d organised it and we talked a little about it. karen is one of the best social workers I’ve ever come across in my time as a service user of the mental health services. its just so difficult because obviously i want her to be happy, i want her to get promoted, but i just dont want to lose her from my life. that is the hard part. the feelings that brings up are difficult to ddeal with. I’m trying hard though. Trying hard to be brave. Be brave and face this challenge head on. But karen, you’ll be missed, my god you’ll be missed. And we will never forget you ever.

still sad still hurting

its me allie and tonight i am sad. my heart is hurting. i cant get it to stop hurting. i am just sad. everything is feeling so hopeless. i want to change and be happy and be positive. i realy would like it if i could be happy. but i just cry and feel sad and get mad and feel angry and then am sad because i broke my stuff or was mean to someone. when i get angry i am mean and then i hate mysef because i was mean. and then it makes me wish i was dead. and one time i told eileen to just go ahead and kill me. i was crying in her office and having a melt down and i told her to kill me and i sat on the floor and just melted down. she didnt obviously but it was so scary to me just to feel like that. it was one of the scariest times i had besides the abuse i went thorugh. i hate having melt downs buti have a lot of them. can anyone relate? does anyone have melt downs? i hope someone can understand what it feels like because i hate being alone. i do stuff to get dr. barrys and eileens attention sometimes too. when we were hospitalised the last time and dr. barry went on holiday i stopped eating. i stopped eating because i thought if i didnt eat the nurses would call dr. barry and she’d have to come back. but they didnt do that. i did end up telling dr. barry what i’d done. she understood and she was really nice to me about it and she said i ended up hurting myself and she was encouraging me to not do things like that. am i bad? i dont want to be bad. i just hurt so much. i just want dr. barry and eileen. nobody else will do.

carol anne. 5 things about me that you maybe didnt know

hi guys
not sleeping here so decided to blog. am gonna write a couple of things for my followers that maybe you never knew about me if you never followed my old blog. so here goes. comments and feedback appreciated. these things are mostly about my mental health.

i’ve been on a locked psych unit. twice. for a week each time. it was not pleasant. the atmosphere was not good. patients were really violent and actually so was i, well liz, but well we were nuts at the time.

i’ve been arrested under the power of the mental health act here in ireland. basically that means the police came and arrested me and took me to a police station and got me seen by a psychiatrist and assessed to see if i needed to go into hospital. that was because the police caught us self harming.

one time while we were in the hospital i tried to kill myself by trying to suffocate myself in the bathroom. a nurse found me though before i did anything that was too serious.

during another hospitalisation i tried to scald myself with hot coffee, i was really suicidal and just wanted to end it. i had a cup of coffee and i tried to throw it over my arms to burn myself.

Yeah, i know i’m a little nuts. Thats what having did and ptsd does to a person. It makes you kinda very uh crazy.

DONE, I’M DONE!

FUCK IT I AM DONE I AM SO OVER SHIT NIGHTS AND SHIT DAYS FLASHBACKS THEY ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I’M SO DONE WITH THEM OH MY GOD SO SOOO DONE SO OVER THEM I AM JUST IN A RAGE I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS HOW DARE THEY TAKE SO MUCH FROM ME MY CHILDHOOD MY INNOCENCE MY SPIRIT BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKERS I STILLL HAVE MY DETERMINATION AND I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I STILL HAVE FIGHT IN ME AND GOD BUT YOUR NOT GONNA WIN THIS WAR I WILL WIN IF I HAVET TO DO A LOT TO TAKE YOU DOWN THEN I WILL YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS FIGHT YOU HAVE HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR FAR TOO LONG NO MORE NO MORE YOU HEAR ME? FUCK OFF, GO TO HELL, JUST LEAVE US ALONE ALL OF YOU ABUSERS, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, TRAUMA, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
LIZ