today i had a pretty good day. i woke at 5:30, got up and let nitro out and fed him. it was really warm and i knew i’d never be able to go back to sleep. i was supposed to go see dr. barry, but I canceled the appointment. I just didnt feel up to going up to the hospital very early, waiting around, and then having an intens session. I was due my trevicta injection today but I rang the clinic nurse and she said i could get it next week so thats what i’m going to do. when i told dr barrys secretary i wouldnt be coming in, i asked her to ring me back with a new appointment, and she didnt so that means tomorrow I’ll have to chase that up. mom and my sister came over after picking davin up from preschool. my mom cut my grass, and my sister made me my lunch, i had chicken rap with cheese and chili mayo and it was delicious. i started to get kinda tired at around 1ish so i told my mom that i was going to bed for an hour. i stayed there for about 1 and a half hours. i think it did me the world of good to do that. i got a huge parcel in the mail today from ebay. 100 movies and cd’s. i’m slowly going through them to see whats in there. earlier in the week the kids got a batch of 30 movies, which they were so surprised to get. they love disney movies and i managed to get lots of them cheap from a girl who was getting rid of them because her kids outgrew them. i forgot to go on the treadmill today. i meant to go on for 15 minutes. now i’ll have to do it in the morning. tomorrow is weigh in day. i’m dreading it. i’ve weighed myself on a scales i have here in the house and its way off. that is making me feel worse because i keep thinking what if i am that weight? logically I know I’m not though.
I’ll post more about the weight and exercise regime I’m going to start, tomorrow.
It includes a detailed food diary, daily exercise, healthy choices when it comes to food, and lots of water too.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.
love to all,
today I achieved my goal, I did 15 mins on the treadmill.
I am proud of myself, because I could have easily said no, I’m too tired, too hot, any number of excuses, but I didnt.
I had to come straight offit and go into the shower, to cool myself down.
I plan on doing 10 mins tomorrow morning, then 10 at lunch time, and 10in the evening.
All going well that is.
But I’m happy with todays achievement.
well we celebrated moms birthday and had a blast. there was myself, my mom, dad, sister and my sisters 2 kids. despite my dads whining and being a groan, we enjoyed ourselves. he’s all about routine, and he wanted to leave the garden centre after an hour, after we’d eaten our meal. but we wanted to stay and look around at the flowers and other items they sell. me and my sister also wanted to get dessert and get our mom a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. we did end up staying which my dad wasnt to thrilled about. the garden centre has so many amazing flowers and plants, but a lot of them are very expensive. my sister bought some flowers, she said she wants to try her hand at gardening. i would have bought some but my fear of bees and insects keeps me from having flowers in my back yard. i did see apple trees though and I really want one. My friend rose said they draw wasps too though and my sister said they draw worms. I would also love a swing for my back yard. then I could sit out and read or listen to music while nitro played in the garden. i’d also love a water feature but they are so expensive. then you have to get a plumber to plumb it all in and stuff. it sounds like too much hard work but maybe i can dream? the food was lovely. for my meal i had a sweet chili and chicken rap with fries, and for dessert I had red velvet gateau. it was delicious. they make all of their cakes fresh every day so its extra nice. my mom won five euro on one of the lottery tickets I gave her. she didnt get anything on the other two. when we drove back to ur parents and dropped them off, mom said to me and laura that she’d had a fantastic day, then she kissed both of us which was a big surprise but a nice surprise. i think she felt special and was happy to have her family around her today. the weather here is still really hot. the temps are supposed to get higher tomorrow. we had a little thunder shower earlier but I think thats because of the heat. I’m feeling good tonight. I feel settled, calm and happy which feels so nice. Its been a wonderful day.
its my moms birthday today, she’s 55. we are going out for lunch to celebrate it. we are going to a local garden centre. it should be nice. the food there is nice and today its really sunny so its the perfect day to go. My sister is going to pick me up when she finishes work at 2. I sorted my moms card, I am giving her money and lottery tickets. Hopefully she’ll be lucky on one of the scratch cards. I hope your all having a lovely tuesday and I hope wherever you are that the weather is nice.
it is very hard for me to write but i am going to try. i never spoke out loud to anyone, that is, until today. today i spoke to our therapist eileen. it was totally by accident. therapy started off going in one direction and then it totally went in a differeyt way, simply because carol anne happened to mention that she doesnt seem to have as much access to certain system information any more like she used to in the past. eileen was curious why that might be. carol anne didnt know but i did. i am what is known as a blocker. in fact i am just called the blocker. my job is to block people in our system from feeling emotions, my job is to shut the emotions down, and dissociate them away. up to recently i was doing this all of the time. then i started to allow little bits of emotion to get through, but each time i felt that we were getting overwhelmed, i’d put on the breaks again. my job is also to keep people at arms length, not to get too close to anyone or let anyone gt too close to us. for fear we’d get hurt. i noticed some of the insiders really starting to trust eileen. and that caused me to panick. so that is basically what me and eileen talked all about today. eileen said she can totally understand where I’m coming from, she said i had to do what I do to survive, and if I didnt, I wouldnt have survived the abuse. We looked at different strategies and ways of me not doing that, ways of me allowing the others to process memories and trust in a safe space, like eileens office. and i do feel safe in there. if i can allow anyone in its eileen. she has proven over and over again that she is trustworthy and that she cares. i told her i’d allow us to be ourselves in therapy, but that maybe i’d continue to wall things off in everyday life because it felt safer. eileen agreed that for now that was probably a good plan. she kept asking me what do i see when i look at carol anne, or liz. i told her i see carol anne as the 14 year old she was back when she first started coming out. she has aged since then but i dont see it. its like my brain hasnt caught up. i still see her as that vulnerable 14 year old who needs protecting. eileen kept saying that carol anne and liz are a team, that they run things for us now mostly. and that they are doing a very good job of it. and i agree they are. we’d be lost without carol anne. and liz is just liz, she kicks ass. so we talked about the time and date and year and the past versus the present for a while too. that was interesting. the session has given me a lot to think over and reflect on.
No I am anxious about going to therapy. I thought I wouldn’t be today. What do you do when you’re anxious about seeing your therapist, about what will come up in the session. It’s tricky. I hate anxiety so much. It really sucks. I hope it gets better once I get there. Any advice would be appreciated
I am free from your chains
You cant hold me down
I will soldier on
Despite what is going on
I will fight to the death
You’ll never stop me
Your sadistic and cruel and vendictive ways
For them you will pay
I will rise up
Like a phoenix
I will soar
Not held hostage by you any more