10 things I am thankful for

I thought I’d do a little gratitude list today. I like to do these every so often, it keeps me focused on what I am grateful for in my life. So here goes.

I am thankful for my guide dog, Nitro. He makes my life special.

I am thankful for my therapist Eileen. Her love and care for me make me feel valued and special.

I am thankful for a warm bed to sleep in.

I am thankful for enough food to eat every day.

I am thankful for my friends. My family.

I am thankful for my volunteer job.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for my psychiatrist, whose expert advice I couldnt do without.

I am thankful that I can read, reading is knowledge.

I am thankful for my life, sometimes its hard and I dont feel like going on but I have people in my life who show me that life can be great, and I am so thankful for all of them.

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Festival fiasco

Today when we were at the street festival i decided to get some food.

We went to where they were selling food, there were a ton of stalls selling it.

I picked out a dish, a Thai noodle dish.

The guy asked me for a ticket, he said you had to have a ticket to buy food, and he told us where to pay for the ticket.

My sister took 10 euro and went to buy a ticket.

Meanwhile he prepared my food and handed it to me. As we were waiting to pay my sister rang and said the tickets for the food were 15 euro.

No way was i going to pay that amount. The food portion was the size of you know one of those Chinese rice containers that the rice comes in. It wasn’t worth it.

My mom told my sister not to buy it. And then she said she’d meet her up the street. So we started walking, food in hand up the street.

At this point i didnt know the price of the ticket yet, all she’d said on the phone was that she didnt have enough money to buy it.

So the long and short of it is we didnt pay for our food. The guy didnt seem to notice we’d walked away. Good thing too that we didnt pay, because i tasted it and it was disgusting.

The noodles were like leather. You just couldn’t eat it.

Not a chance i was paying 15 euro for that shit.

We dumped it so no one got the benefit of free food. But I’m sure the guy selling it was none too thrilled with me.

I’d never normally do that sort of thing. In fact i felt guilty afterwords for even doing it and i told my mom he’d probably think we were horrible people.

She said not to worry about it. That he’d probably made plenty of money all day selling food, he was selling for a fancy hotel.

So anyway. That’s my festival fiasco.

Disgusting, but free food.

Such a wonderful day

We had a terrific day today me, mom and my sister.

We went to two beaches, in west cork. They were just awesome. I love the sea and being by the ocean makes me feel so good.

We first stopped off and had lunch at Inchydoney beach, we sat at picnic tables and ate our food. Tons of birds came over and we fed them as well as feeding ourselves.

They were so friendly. You’d know they were used to people.

After our lunch we walked on the beach, the kids were collecting shells and rocks, they were trying to find rock pools. We found a little cave, i posted a few pics of it.

Then after our walk we decided to drive on to another beach, its a beach where I spent many a childhood holiday, i have very happy memories of being there when I was about 8 or 9 years old. So we wanted to see it again as it had been years since we’d been there and it had been refurbished.

We spent about an hour walking on the beach, enjoying the sea air and reminiscing about old days and old times.

My niece Lauren was dipping her feet in the waves but the lifeguard came up to us and told her not to do that because he said there were rip tides and it was dangerous.

I checked my ap on my phone to see how many steps i did in total today, it told me i did 8 thousand and 50 steps in total and walked 3.4 miles. I thought that was amazing.

Then after our little beach tour we drove on to the festival we were going to. We had fun there there were lots of street entertainers and food stalls. And music, etc. there was also a lot for the kids to do and everything was free of charge.

We spent about 2 hours there. We really enjoyed it. I’m shattered now. It took an hour each way to get there and back to my parents house.

I plan on relaxing for the rest of this evening.

I’M JUST SAD

I FEEL SAD DONT KNOW WHATS UP WITH ME TONIGHT I JUST FEEL BAD TONIGHT FEEL INSECURE AND DEPRESSED SAD AND ALONE NUMB AND EMOTIONAL ALL AT ONCE IT SUCKS I HATE IT I WISH I COULD TURN OFF MY FEELINGS I WOULD REALLY LOVE IT IF I COULD DO THAT BUT I CANT I JUST HAVE TO GRIN AND BEAR IT I GUESS I WISH WE COULD TALK TO JESS THATS CAROL ANNES PARTNER I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE IS SHE IS STILL IN RESIDENTIAL IN A FACILITY BUT SHE HAS HER PHONE TURNED OFF AND WE TRIED RINGING THE PATIENT PHONE BUT NOBODYS ANSWERING IT SO WE HAVENT TALKED TO HER IN A FEW MONTHS AND WE MISS HER IN FACT I MISS HER WHOLE SYSTEM SHES MULTIPLE TOO ANYWAY OH WELL WHAT DO YOU DO NOTHING I GUESS BETTER GO TAKE MY MEDS NOW
LIZ

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todays Dr. Barry apt

so i saw dr. barry this morning. it went well. we talked about meds. she decided to increase my epilem, which is mainly for my seizures but I also use it for my mood. she said she would write an explicit letter to my gp, because since she is not my primary prescriber of that med she wasnt really comfortable reintroducing it. she did, but she doesnt feel to comfortable doing it. i told her my gp hadnt even rang me, he’d just given me the prescription that dr. barry wrote out. so she’s going to explicitly ask him to review me. she put me up to 800 mg a day of epilem. i was taking 400 at night. she also reintroduced my metformin for my diabetes. and the prazosin also at 3 mg at night. she said she’d leave the rest for now. and i’ll be going back to see her in two weeks for my usual apt. she said there was some new paperwork and guidelines now about the epilem. apparently it causes some foetal syndrome and it is not meant to be prescribed for women of child bearing age. i dont really have to worry about it since my ovaries are gone, and I have no chance of becoming pregnant. but she had to tell me anyway, she said that they dont use it for bipolar hardly now, and she only had one patient whose on it for their mood. since mine is primarily prescribed for epilepsy and only used for mood as a secondary med it doesnt really matter, but she still had to tell me. we talked a little around my surgery to remove my ovaries, she wasnt aware I had had both ovaries removed. she apologised about bringing that up since she knows its a topic i dont like talking about since it involves my not being able to have kids. we talked a little about sleep, I told her my sleep is not great lately, that i am getting around 3 to 4 hours a night if I am lucky. she said hopefully the prazosin will help that. we talked about therapy and i told her eileen is pulling back on working on trauma stuff for right now, that we’re going to work on managing overwhelm and managing feelings. we talked about the social worker mary, mary had spoken to dr. barry at their team meeting, she’d told her we’d met and what she’d been helping me with. so then we talked a little bit about the funding I applied for and that was an interesting conversation. i told her I’d asked mary to help me apply for more PA hours. it was a good apt. I forgot that I was due my depo injection today so didnt bring it with me. so now next tuesday I have to go to the clinic so the nurse who gives the depos can give me my shot.
carol anne

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Poetry

look around
dont make a sound
i sit
i think, do I quit?
CanI make it?
questions I ask myself
while I sit
hoping
praying
for a happy ending
For an end to the pain
Before I go insane
hold tight
This long long night
It shall pass
and before I know it
It will be light outside
A new day will preside

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