taylor hi everbudy

it me taylor. and gess wat? i taked us to therapy this week. i was out wen we goted ther. im not usuly loud to be ote, but it wasnt my fault cuz tha bigs were all not able to front, thay was feelin icky and depresed and sad. so i came ote in the midle of the nite, and me and emily stayed up and got us dressed and emily came ote in the taxi cuz she can sorta act lik a gron up but then wen we goted to eileens ofise i came ote and wen eileen came in she got a suprise! she said i did good to get us ther in one piece! but she said i needed to let her try to talk to the adults and go inside and rest. so i did. and she was able to get liz and that was ok then cuz liz can take care of us. i was glad cuz it fils betr wen liz is out or carol anne. they can take care of fings then. but i did a good job and i was hapy she thot so too!


Saturdays goals

So my goals for saturday are:

take meds
eat 3 healthy and balanced meals
exercise for 20 to 30 minutes
go visit my friend
read my book
watch irelands got talent, to relax in the evening
get a nap in if I can


staring blankly
she starts to think
starts to tremble
shake uncontrollably
flashes engulf her mind and body
flashes from the past
she begins to cry
silent tears
silent screams
nothing escapes her lips
quivering, shaking
trembling, she pulls her arms tightly around her body
she waits for the tornado to disapate
it does, eventually
as she lies on her bed
she wonders why
and softly cries

the last couple of days

so the last couple of days have been sort of ok i guess.
i am still depressed but trying to manage it as best as i can.
eileen says now that our dissociative walls are coming down a little more, that things effect us more, for example pixie’s low mood lately is now effecting both me and liz.
i think she’s right. i hadnt thought of that though.
i’ve had the week off from the ILS course. but i sorta wish i didnt. i’d have prefered to be busy. it keeps my mind from wandering into awful places.
yesterday was therapy day. therapy was very intense. but good. we mostly talked about our mood, and we decided for now we are going to back up a little and not work on memories so much because they were starting to overwhelm us.
we stayed in our mom and dads house last night. we went there yesterday after therapy and spent the day there and had dinner with them and then decided last night to spend the night.
other than that its been a pretty quiet few days.
carol anne

Song of the day. Beauty from pain

I picked this song today because of how I am feeling.
I love the band super chick. I love this song in particular.
It gives me hope that things wont always be this bad, that I wont always feel so depressed and hopeless.

dr. barry

saw dr. barry this morning. it went well.
we talked about the depression and low mood.
she said she thinks something is triggering it, perhaps something that happened during the did reassessment.
i said i wasnt sure but maybe that could be it.
i told her that i am managing it for now. i didnt want to go in to the hospital. i want to try to get through it on my own, in the community.
she agreed with me. she said to keep doing the things i am doing that help me cope with it.
i said blogging had really helped me lately. that everyone on my blog had been so supportive. and so helpful with their lovely comments.
we also talked some about therapy and about insiders who havent worked with eileen before now starting to trust her and work with her. she congradulated us on that.
it was a very good appointment. i was happy to get her perspective on things.
carol anne

And yeah depression…

has set in. I just feel so defeated.
I really cant deal. I am so overwhelmed. I really cant wait until tomorrow to see dr. barry. I need the apt. I need to talk this out. If I can, that is.
I am also seeing my OT mark tomorrow morning. I used to see him once a month. but since I started the ILS course we don’t see each other much. But he’s always only a phone call away.
Tomorrow will be our first apt in a while. Its just a general catch up.
I just feel so blah tonight. Everything feels like its going in slow motion. I feel very sluggish and slowed down. I don’t feel like doing anything. I need to shower for tomorrow. I put the hot water on but I don’t feel like getting in the shower. I just want to curl up and hide.
I will shower later on because I know its the right things to do so I don’t smell bad. I don’t want to go to see dr. barry and smell bad and look dirty because I didn’t shower.
I’m just on a bit of a downward spiral. And I cant seem to pull myself out of it.
so much for having a week off. If I knew it was going to be this bad I wouldn’t have wanted a week off. I hate when my mood is so bad. It is just so all consuming.
I decided on Thursday I will go to the basement club. I haven gone there since I started on the ILS course. They will think I don’t want to come in any more. Truth is though I haven’t had time. I haven’t had any time off to just go there and call in to see everyone. I am looking forward to doing tha tthis Thursday and possibly Friday too.