Just a couple of snaps taken last night. We didn’t do much last night just stayed around the apartment complex had drinks had dinner and listen to music and chatted, it was really nice. Today we are going to a couple of beaches so I should be able to get some nice pictures and I will post them later on today, the vacation is going really well so far we are having a lot of fun.
its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.
i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.
why is night time so hard?
I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.
so yeah i got 3 hours sleep. you might say that left me tired. but it actually didnt. i woke up feeling good. my back stopped hurting. i got up and showered and feel so refreshed. energised even. i ate breakfast with my mom, she made it for me, she’s the best 🙂
so mom texted my sister, to see how she is today after being violently sick yesterday with a stomach bug. she texted back and said she still is weak but she has eaten and she is feeling a little better. so she will be coming over to mom and dads for dinner. its our sunday thing, we all eat together, then she will color my hair for me. and cut it too. i’m going on a trip this coming weekend to killarney for a couple of days. so i’m getting myself all spruced up for it lol.
i’ll do my tan tonight. the tan i buy its a moisturizer with a shimmer in it so you have to put it on a couple of times to make it come up and look nice.
might give my friend norma a call in a little while to see if she wants to come over later on this afternoon to my house. my sister will be dropping me home after my hair is done.
my other friend rose got admitted to the psych ward yesterday. i kind of knew she would. she had been doing badly for a while. she had gotten referred to the crisis team but she got very suicidal yesterday. i tried to support her as best as i could through texting. i feel bad because she asked me to come over but i couldnt, i was so tired i didnt have the energy to go visiting. but i was there via text and i kept her company while she waited for the psychiatrist to assess her. we chatted back and forth and last night i sent her a good night text to let her know i am thinking of her. i dont know how long she’ll be in for. usually she’s in for a couple of weeks. dr. barry is her psychiatrist too.
well thats about it for now.
not sleeping here so decided to blog. am gonna write a couple of things for my followers that maybe you never knew about me if you never followed my old blog. so here goes. comments and feedback appreciated. these things are mostly about my mental health.
i’ve been on a locked psych unit. twice. for a week each time. it was not pleasant. the atmosphere was not good. patients were really violent and actually so was i, well liz, but well we were nuts at the time.
i’ve been arrested under the power of the mental health act here in ireland. basically that means the police came and arrested me and took me to a police station and got me seen by a psychiatrist and assessed to see if i needed to go into hospital. that was because the police caught us self harming.
one time while we were in the hospital i tried to kill myself by trying to suffocate myself in the bathroom. a nurse found me though before i did anything that was too serious.
during another hospitalisation i tried to scald myself with hot coffee, i was really suicidal and just wanted to end it. i had a cup of coffee and i tried to throw it over my arms to burn myself.
Yeah, i know i’m a little nuts. Thats what having did and ptsd does to a person. It makes you kinda very uh crazy.
swirling and spinning
nothing to grip onto
the hole seems endless
yet i have a sense of rock bottom
and i think i’m about to hit it
i brace myself for the collision
but i am tugged away by voices
my mind can’t prepare
and combat hallucinations
enter the flashbacks
on top of the voices
memories stabbing my heart
suddenly i hit the ground
the fall is hard
my arms out to brace myself
now bleed in a self injurious way
this is the bottom
its a familiar place
i’ve been here many times before
and i know that unless i get help
the right sort of help
i’ll be here again
lost in a fog
feeling so many things
wanting an end
an end to the heartache
to the memories
to the pain
going a little insane
not wanting to be
to scared to cry
or ask why
I did a mile on the treadmill. In the middle of the night!
It only took me 10 minutes. I am feeling great!
I jogged for some of it. That really worked my leg muscles. I think when you run fast on the treadmill your muscles have to work harder.
It felt so good to do it though. There is an energy and feeling of wow I did this. I did it and I am proud!