Sudden Mood dip

I feel like shit. My mood plummeted. Really quickly.

I feel low, so so low.

Suicidal, impulsive, scared I might do something irrational.

Its hard to think. Its hard to put it into words.

I feel like shit and I feel like a failure. I can do nothing right.

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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I came out of hiding

i did what eileen suggested, i got up and i went out of the house. i went to the basement club. i am here now. its quiet here not many members are in yet because its early. today is their open day, they have an open day once a month where anyone can come in and view the place get information etc. i’m happy i came out. i didnt realise how much i’d missed the place. it was actually my mom who convinced me to go. she called me and i was still in my PJ’s and she said to me that I should get out of the house. I think she was worried about me isolating. I had a bad night with flashbacks and emotions coming up and I just felt like crap. I didnt stay awake after I wrote the blog post at 2 AM I went back to bed and I was able to go back to sleep so that was good. I plan on staying at the basement club for the entire day today. Until about 4 PM. Then my friend Norma is coming over tonight to my house for a few hours. I think Eileen will be proud of me. I am taking care of myself. I am looking after my mental health. That is what she told me to do. Stay well, make sure I keep myself well.

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low

its 2:30 AM. I dont feel safe. I feel like I could do something impulsive to end things. suicidal thoughts are invading my mind.
I hate that. I hate when it happens.
Death is all I can think about. I’m in a very dark place.
I just cant see a reason to keep on going.
everything feels black and awful. i feel like i am drowning.
i’m just not safe.
thoughts blurr, mind spins, do it, dont, distract, react, oh god someone anyone help me.

daily word prompt:survive

all i seem to do is survive. when can i start to thrive? when can i be done with just surviving? when will the war be over? my therapist says its already over. i dont feel it though. i still feel the need to be in survival mode. peace doesnt seem real to me, it doesnt seem like i have the option of freedom or peace. my world is full of triggers, my senses are constantly on high alert. there are trigger dates around every corner, pulling me backwards into the past. so how then am i supposed to thrive, when i have to try to survive these triggers? just some ponderings, not sure i’ll ever find the ansers.