outa wack!

I’m really out of sorts!

I went to my parents, was going there tomorrow anyway, so said I’d go today instead.

I feel so irritable! Liz is close by!

I can tell because I am moody and grumpy and I know she felt that was since she woke up this morning!

I am also anxious, again! Ug sigh!

I made some tea! Tea makes everything better, as Emily always says.

I hope she’s right! I am just so over the anxiety and feeling so anxious.

Its incredibly frustrating!

If anyone has a few suggestions for me on how to feel less anxious, I’d love to hear them!

My moods dipping and I want to bring it up again!

Fears about taking meds…

I am having a lot of trouble with my meds. With taking them.

I am fearing taking them. I have a fear of gaining weight if I take them.

I know I need to talk to Dr. Barry. And I plan on doing that. I probably should have talked to her yesterday about it. I didnt, though.

I will continue to take the meds, but I have become very anxious when I have to take them. Some of my anxiety is stemming from this ongoing fear of the meds causing weight gain.

I really dont see any way around this. I need my meds. I need them in order to stay ok, and be stable.

I currently take prozac, clonadine, and trevicta, which is my 3 monthly shot. Trevicta doesnt cause weight gain at all, so that ones out. Not sure about clonadine, or prozac though.

I take depokate, and keppra for my seizures, and metphormin for my diabetes, I also sometimes take a prn of fenergan to help me sleep.

Dissociation causes me to forget to take my meds a lot. For this reason I dont always take them regularly. Dr. Barry knows this and is aware of it.

Deep down, I know I will have to take the meds, whether they cause me to gain weight or not. If I want to be well, I know I need the meds. And thats all there is to it.

I do intend on discussing this in therapy and also with dr. barry. I think I’ll feel a lot better once I do that.

Dr. Barry…happy anniversary? And she says, with that confused look on her face, say What?

What a trip it was today with Dr. barry. A trip as in, A very funny session!
Me: to Dr. barry, By the way, happy anniversary?
Dr. Barry: with a confused look, huh? What?
Anniversary? What do ya mean?
Me: Well now, have you forgotten about it?
Dr. Barry with a nervous laugh, um no? but forgot what?
Me: Well, we’ve only been working together for six years! This month! So, happy anniversary to us!
Dr. Barry: Oh my god yes! You know Carol anne, I really think time speeds up when you get older!
Me: What’d’ya mean older? Your young!
Your not old not in the least bit old! Come on!
Dr. Barry: Well believe me Carol anne, with two boys who are now 7 and 9, I feel older every day!
And now it was my turn to gulp and say, 7 and 9? Omg! Are they that old now?
And after that the talk turned to the upcoming toy show thats going to be on our tv this coming friday. So will your boys watch it? I asked. No, she said, they both have plans on Friday night, they have hectic social lives, and, I am on call on Friday night, so the plan is to record it and watch it nearer to christmas!
And with that, we stood up to walk out and make my next appointment! Heres to six more years and then some, I said, squeezing her hand.
Yes! She said patting my arm. And by then we’ll really all be old! Well, at least me and you will!
Now now dr. barry, speak for yourself, I laughed, I plan on never growing up! Not if I can help it!

No work today, and heard from Eileen

So I didnt go in to work today. I woke up feeling terrible. I decided the best thing I could do was stay home. No point in me going in there and trying to listen to others when I am not doing well myself.
I still feel very anxious. I woke up a few times during the night with crippling anxiety. I even got up once and went out to the kitchen to get a glass of water and something to eat.
I really do think the best thing is for me to just stay out of work today. I do my job much better when I am in a good mood, and feeling positive and ok in myself.
Eileen texted me last night. She said she was finished her training and she was looking forward to seeing us on monday. I texted her back, wishing her a nice weekend and I said I couldnt wait until monday to see her.
It was nice to be able to go to sleep knowing she’d texted us. Felt great just hearing from her.

A busy day ahead

I woke up super early this morning. Despite going to bed at a relatively decent hour, 11:30, I woke up at 5:45 AM.

I decided to get up. No point in trying to go back to sleep, it just wasn’t happening.

I heard mom also getting up. I went to the kitchen and had a cuppa with her. It was nice. We chatted for a bit also.

My nephew is having 8 of his teeth out today. His baby teeth. He’s only six, poor little guy. My mom is going to the dental hospital with my sister, I hope he’ll be ok and everything will be ok for him.

I’ll have a quiet enough morning, but I work this afternoon. I was meant to go have my nails done today, and my lip and eyebrows waxed. But because my nephew is having his teeth out, my mom couldn’t take me, so I changed the appointment to Thursday morning instead.

I’m staying at my parents house this week. My PA Frances would normally come on Tuesdays, but she had to take holidays this week. I’m going to Killarney this coming Friday, so I just decided to stay with mom and dad for the entire week.

I have my weekly weigh in this evening also. I’m excited to see how I did. I have a pretty good feeling. I hope I’m right to have a good feeling. I hope the results of my weigh in are good tonight.

My mood today is great. It feels so good to be able to say that. It feels nice to be able to say I woke up feeling good. And mean it.