so you remember i went on respite in may, for four nights? to abode, which is a centre for people with sensory and physical disabilities? and the time i spent there went very well. nitro was treated well. i was treated well. we enjoyed ourselves very much. tonight i got a phone call from one of the senior staff, asking me if I’d like to come again in July for four nights. I jumped at the chance. So I’ll be going from July 17th until July 21st. The nice thing about respite is that I can basically do what I want, ifI want to stay in my room thats ok, there is a tv in my room, if I want to come down to the main lounge and watch tv with the other residents i can do that too. I like to take nitro for walks in the park. He likes meeting other dogs and playing with them. My PA kristen will come one of the days and we’ll go out for coffee and to look around some of the stores in the big shopping mall that is nearby. I wont see eileen or dr. barry the week of respite. I might have a phone check in with eileen though. thats what we did last time. i’ll have my own apartment, which is lovely. you should see the beds they have, you can control them, they go up and down, you can raise your head and shoulders, you can raise your legs, its awesome. Hopefully I can arrange to meet some friends, as well, on one of the nights.
I’m happy I get this opportunity. Its doing wonders for my mental health.
Yesterday I had an apt with my OT mark. It was a really good apt. We talked some more about options for me to do a college course. I am still interested in something related to childcare. at least I was until I got a phone call yesterday evening from one of the tutors on the other course I am interested in which is called issues in substance use in youth and community work. When the tutor rang me she said she’d send me an application form and brochure which she did and i’ve sent it on to mark, I also sent him an email this morning asking him to fill out the application form with me. But back to yesterday and the apt. We talked about the childcare course. And the supports I may need in the college. Funnily enough the course in issues of substance use in youth and community work is taking place in the same college where the childcare courses I wanted to do are. The thing is I only want to go part time. And the substance use course is part time. The childcare one is full time and that is way too stressful for me. Plus I’ve gotten a volunteer position with cork city partnership as an office admin worker I’ll be doing up letters, writing email and answering phones. Its only 1 day a week but then I also volunteer at the basement club, I’ve taken a small break while I was hospitalised recently but I will be going back to it soon. I work better under less pressure so that is what myself and mark talked through yesterday. Then we got on to talking about the adaptive technology and home improvements. I had asked him to request a price on a frame that goes around my toilet, which he did, but yesterday he said that rather than having me pay for it, he should refer me to the community OT and she could do an assessment and then I should be able to get the frame on my medical card. Since I’ve been having balance issues and postural hypertention that is why I need the frame. I told him I am having the blood pressure monitor done next week to see if my meds are causing my blood pressure to drop. so we decided to wait until we meet again in 3 weeks time to make a final decision about the adaptions to my home. I also have to see what equipment I might need and send him a quote for it, then he will get Karen the social worker to do a funding application for me. That was the bulk of our appointment. I did talk to him some about my ongoing symptoms. He always checks in with me about how I’m doing, what is going on for me, etc. Which is really nice. He’s a good listener and I was able to get a lot off my mind before I ever went in to see dr. barry.
i had a pretty good day. my pa came this morning. she helped me cook breakfast, and then we went grocery shopping. i only needed a couple of items. so we got done pretty quickly. when we came back to my house she did some housework. we had to wait for her boss to come to do a risk assessment, basically this paperwork is done once a year, they come out and talk about health and safety, if the PA has any concerns, I get asked if I have any concerns, a load of bullshit really, all formality. Anyway she eventually came and we got that over with. She was literally there for 10 minutes doing it. Well thats because we are happy and have no issues. Me and Kristen click, we gel, we dont make waves where there arent any. Once she left kristen had to leave too to go to her next job. I was going to go to the basement club but then decided not to go I decided to stay home and burn some of my dvd’s onto my computer. I’m trying to get all of my movies burned, but it takes forever to do it. My home help came in the afternoon to help me cook dinner, she came earlier than usual because she had an appointment to go to. I had meatballs with spaghetti for dinner and oh man it was delicious. The meatballs were seasoned and the sauce that I got for them was a tomato and herb sauce and it tasted amazing. Once my home help left i went to visit my friend norma. we didnt get up to much just hung out and talked and stuff. i’m pretty tired now but i cant sleep. i took my night meds but I’m feeling a little bit wound up. not sure why. just have a lot on my mind about therapy yesterday. there is more to our session that we havent written about yet but will soon. we’re still trying to process it all. I see dr. barry tomorrow morning, and my OT Mark. I almost forgot about the apt with Mark. I dont have my homework done for that appointment. I got sidetracked and totally forgot. I dont think Mark will mind, he’s pretty easy going. I bet he wont believe me when I tell him I dont have it done. I’m always so on the ball with everything. Another busy day tomorrow, if nothing else it will keep me distracted from thoughts of self harm, suicide, and overwhelm that are plaguing me tonight.
sitting here, wide awake. drinking tea. trying hard not to cry. feeling so lousy. woke up feeling low. very very low. was dreaming, but now cant remember what the dream was about, just know it was unpleasant. why cant I have good dreams? its only 2 AM, maybe I’ll read for a while. Or I might watch funny youtube videos. That always cheers me up. If anyones up I could use some support.
good morning everyone
i hope today finds you in a good place, good mood, and if not, then i send you many hugs and much love and support
my question of the day today is
describe one thing your struggling with right now, and how that limits you in your life right now?
I was meant to see dr. barry today. since eileen is away we were meant to have an extra appointment. but i was so exhausted this morning that i didnt go. i did get up at like 6 or there abouts, had coffee, took a shower, booked my taxi, but then i started having a lot of ptsd symptoms and couldnt get outt of the house. so i canceled the taxi and went back to bed. i was feeling very disappointed with myself, because i hate to miss seeing dr. barry. i did phone her office and spoke to her secretary and she gave me another appointment for next wednesday. but i needed her today. why does ptsd always have to ruin everything?
its allie and I am so sad. for those who are new to our blog I am an insiders in our system, a kid. I am 9 and I get sad a lot because I wish our therapist Eileen or our psychiatrist dr barry can adopt me. and tonight is one of those nights. I want a forever mom. my bio mom doesn’t love me. she doesn’t even know me because she thinks i’m just a mood and she wont accept our did diagnosis. and it hurts. I hurt. the pain makes me so sad. its this physical clenching inside my heart and chest. and an ache. and in my mind I long for a hug from my forever mom who I wish could be Eileen or dr barry. I keep asking them to adopt me. and they keep saying it cant happen. and then I get angry and mad at them. because please just listen you guys. I need someone. I need a mommy! I need you to adopt me! everything hurts right now. I am crying. I feel lonely. and I hate when its night time. if I had a forever mom she could read to me. tuck me into bed. cuddle and snuggle with me. instead I have to snuggle nitro, that’s nice, but I just want a mommy hug and an I love you and I am listening tell me about your day. I am so jealous of dr barrys kids. they are so lucky to have her as their mom. I want her and I wish she was my mom all the time. I fantasise about what it would be like to live with her in her house. am I weird? I suppose people will think i’m nuts. I don’t care. people who have nice moms who love them and who care about them are so lucky. i’m jealous of you too. our bio mom only sees Shirley, or our outside body, and the age that it is which is 37, she doesn’t see the children inside who crave her attention. she just doesn’t see us. she says we are childish sometimes because we have toys in our house that we play with and we watch kid movies and cartoons a lot and we do coloring and stuff but don’t adults do those things too? people who don’t have alters and who aren’t diagnosed with did? I think they do. anyway. I better go to bed. its almost 2 AM. good night world. maybe I can live with dr barry or Eileen some day, maybe they’ll change their mind and adopt me.
allie, age 9