So my PA Frances said she’d pick up my prescription for me. Kind of her, as it was not part of her job, she was doing it on her own time.
So on Tuesday morning, when I went to get my flu shot, we handed it in to my GP. The receptionist took it, and told me it would be ready for pick up on thursday.
Thursday came, my PA went to pick it up, and was told, sorry we dont have it. Are you sure you dropped it off? To which she said yes, she dropped it off, I know because I was with her when she did it.
After much looking, it was found, but the receptionist then said, Oh, well, come back tomorrow, it will be ready then!
So my PA asked, are you sure it will be ready if I come back tomorrow? And the receptionist got snotty and said, I hope so!
And would you believe it, when Frances went down there today, it still wasnt ready! She had to wait for it, and she was late to work because of their carelessness!
I felt so bad that she was late to work and all because of doing a kind thing for me!
Anyway, in the end, I got my meds! Thank god!
Never knew it would be such a fiasco though to get them!
I did it! I did it!
I was down 1.5 pounds at weigh in! I am beyond thrilled!
Its incredible! I feel so elated!
I’m on such a high! I just need to keep on losing now! Next week again! I am on a roll!
I am so, so happy guys! Thanks for all the support!
Yesterday I found out that my old PA amanda isnt coming back to work! I dont know why. I dont know what happened. And I dont think I will ever know.
My current PA Frances was made permanent! I am so glad! I like her, we get along, she’s very nice.
We have a great working relationship!
If Amanda had come back, I wasnt going to continue to work with her, I’d already asked for that to happen!
It feels nice to have the security of a permanent PA again!
I’ve had to change PAS a lot over the last number of years! I hope this time I wont have to for a long time!
So it was too good to be true. My sleep isn’t good again. It was too good to last. The fact I got good sleep for just one night. Tonight was bad again. At least I stuck to my plan and I went to bed early. I was in bed by 10 PM.
I did sleep for about 3 hours. I suppose its better than nothing. I woke up just after 2 AM.
I’m staying up now. No point is going back to bed again. I feel surprisingly alert for only having gotten 3 hours of sleep.
I am going to make a coffee. I have a busy day ahead. My PA frances comes at 9, we’ll do housework, then I’ll go to my parents when she leaves at 11:30. I also am working this afternoon on friendly call.
I’ll be at my parents house until Sunday afternoon.
I hope everyone enjoys their Friday and the weekend!
I made myself go to bed relatively early. I watched a documentary on tv after the 9 O’clock news. That was over by 10:30 and once it ended I went straight to bed. I didnt think I’d sleep but I surprised myself, I fell asleep almost straight away. I did wake a few times on and off, but overall I slept well. I only woke at around 4 AM. I decided then to get up. So now I am up but I feel a lot better than I did yesterday, the sleep must have did me good. I made a coffee and am drinking it now. It tastes like heaven. I am listening to the radio also. I heard an interview with the author Louise O’neill who wrote the book, asking for it. That was a good book, its about a girl who was raped, its fiction but its an irish author, and a great read. My PA frances will be here at 9 AM. I need to to to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription, and I also have to hand it into the doctors as the pharmacy can only dispense one week worth of it, after that you have to get the rest of it from your GP. I’ll be starting the clonadine tonight. Well I hope I will, I hope the pharmacy will have it in stock.
I’m in a bad place emotionally tonight, and mentally. I feel defeated. My mood is shit. My anxiety is high. I’ve been having trouble remembering my meds. I just took night ones now. This is after a few nights of missing them. I hope I havent completely fucked things up with the not taking them. I’m not deliberately not taking them, the dissociation causes me to forget them. But I’m doing everything I can now to remember. I’ve been napping a lot today. When I came home from seeing dr. barry I went to bed. And I stayed there all afternoon. I felt like shit. I am so anxious. And so overwhelmed. I got up at 6, ate dinner and have been just floundering around all evening. I’m not ok. I really dont feel good. I feel like I could just burst into tears at any moment. The tears are there, just bubbling under the surface. I also am feeling very agitated. I cant wait to get the clonadine on Friday and start it, I am kinda hoping for a miracle when I do.
Could really use some support, if anyone is around?
This week I again participate in Beckys working on us prompt.
This weeks topic is passive suicidal ideation. For anyone, the difference between passive and suicidal ideation is essentially I wish I was dead (passive) vs. I want to kill myself (active).
Write a narrative about yourself and/or someone you know that is believed to think Passive Suicidal Ideation
I have suffered from this. I still do. I go from passive, to active, and then back to passive. I think its like that for a lot of people actually. For me the passive part of it is the scary part. When your in active SI you have the energy to do something, to actually go through with it. When your passively thinking about it, it seems to be far worse. At least, thats how it is for me anyway. Wishing I was dead, wishing I didnt exist, wishing I wasnt around any more, that feels awful and scary to me. even though at the time I am wishing it and thinking it, I dont seem to really care one way or another.
I am glad I havent had any SI thoughts in a while. Not bad ones. I’ve had fleating thoughts every so often, but nothing major, I am so thankful for that much.
Having support while your suicidal is the best thing. Getting help, reaching out that is the most important thing I think. Talking about it, not being afraid to ask someone if they are thinking about suicide or feeling suicidal, that is the only way to end the stigma of suicide.