So hard to say goodbye

this week when I see dr. barry I will have to say goodbye to her social worker, Karen. Karen has been a part of my life for the past 4 years. She is a wonderful empathic social worker, great at her job, very professional, very warm, caring, compassionate, gentle, and just an awesome person. She has been part of dr. Barrys team for the past 10 years, even longer than dr. Barry has been in charge of the team. I am going to miss her so much. She knew me and Liz mostly. It was mostly the two of us who interacted with her. Some of the kids knew her too but they didnt come out directly to talk to her but they were in the background and loved her. Its going to be so hard to say goodbye. we will probably cry. we have a card for her and a little gift. i really dont want to do it, i’m sooo nervous and anxious about having to say goodbye to her. i hope dr. barry is going to stay in the room too when we say goodbye. i think she will just from the way she was last week when she said to us that she’d organised it and we talked a little about it. karen is one of the best social workers I’ve ever come across in my time as a service user of the mental health services. its just so difficult because obviously i want her to be happy, i want her to get promoted, but i just dont want to lose her from my life. that is the hard part. the feelings that brings up are difficult to ddeal with. I’m trying hard though. Trying hard to be brave. Be brave and face this challenge head on. But karen, you’ll be missed, my god you’ll be missed. And we will never forget you ever.

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Make time for me, mom

I had a bit of an argument with my mom tonight. She always comes over to my house on wednesdays. She cuts the grass usually, and does a couple of other bits around the house. The thing is she doesnt drive, she gets my sister to drop her off and pick her up. My sister is working and then she drops my dad off to the nursing home to see his brother, and so on the way to do that she drops mom off to my house. Usually on a wednesday I am seeing dr. barry in the morning and so I dont get home until about 11 AM. Mom was coming over at about 11:30. But these past few weeks she’s not coming over until after 12:30. The time she is spending with me is getting shorter and shorter. Tonight I felt upset and said so to her. She snapped at me that I was lucky she came over and that some people have no one to cut their grass or help them clean their house when their PA isnt around. I know all that. But I just felt so sad, I just want a few hours with mom on my own, a few hours a week, is that too much to ask? I know I see her at weekends. But we are rarely alone and I wish we were alone more often. I just want some one on one time with her. She said my sister might drop the kids off to her tomorrow morning, so if she does that will mean she’ll have to bring them to my house. I dont mind that, davin just plays with the big box of cars I have, lauren gets bored though, there isnt much she can play with or do in my house besides watch tv or play with the cabbage patch dolls. If mom is out cutting grass, that means I will have to look after the kids. I’m really not up for that. So yeah tonight I got snappy with mom and she was like what is the silence about? And I tried to tell her Lauren would be bored and she was like I know but what can I do? I really felt like saying tell Laura to drop the kids to davin’s moms house! That would be easier. I know it sounds like I’m a selfish bitch. And I probably am. But I just want my mom to myself for a while tomorrow. I feel a need to have that mother daughter time with her. In the end tonight I phoned her back and apologised for being crabby. She said that it was ok but that I should realise how lucky I am to have the support of my family. I know that. I do know I am lucky as not everyone has that support.

Todays outing

the outing today was a real success. the bus from the centre took all of us to the mall. it was so funny when we were getting on the bus, we were trying to get nitro to get on. he gets pretty nervous in vans or big veihecles. first one of the staff tried to coax him onto the bus. he was having none of it though he just sat down and wouldnt budge and the more she tried to coax him in the more he just dug his heels in. so we then decided that I’d go on first, and call him on to the bus. thats what I did and it worked he eventually got in. when we got to the mall we all split up. some people were going to the movies, and some of us were going to look around the different stores. one of the staff lisa was with me. i decided i wanted to get something to wear. the first shop i looked in was so expensive. i looked at what was on sale but there was nothing nice so i decided to go somewhere else. before i left that store though i went to the perfume aisle. i couldnt buy the perfume that dr. barry and eileen wear because it was 60 euro for a small bottle but there was a test sample that you were able to try so i put some of it on. i will save money up and buy the perfume as soon as i can. i went to next its a department store that sells clothes and other items and i got a lovely top in there which was on sale for 13.50. after that we decided to go grab a starbux. of course then i couldnt decide what i wanted in starbux. in the end i settled on a vanilla latte and a chocolate cookie. i’d say we spent the best part of an hour in starbux. one of the other staff catherine and one of the other girls who is on respite i’ll call her j they both sat down with us in starbux. j is in a wheelchair she has some sort of a syndrome i am not sure what its called but she gets really confused about where she is meant to be and there are other symptoms too and she cant walk either. she’s very quiet doesnt have much to say, so mostly it was me and the two staff who were doing all the talking. when we got done in starbux i decided i wantd to go get some nail polish and fake tan. i ended up buying a moisturizer with a shimmer that goes through it so when you put it on it tans your skin but you have to keep putting it on to build up the color in your skin. i tried it out already tonight and its great. it was on offer so i bought it and the nail polish i bought was pink, pink is my favourite color. the bus picked us all up at 5 and when we got home some of us ate, some didnt because they’d eaten out. i didnt eat out though so i had dinner back at the respite centre. then tonight we watched the new beauty and the beast movie. one of the staff bought it today so that we could have a movie night with popcorn and candy and stuff. the movie was awesome. they made it longer than the original one. and there are real people in it its not animated. we’ve just finished watching it a few minutes ago. i’m feeling really good. happy and content and relaxed and very chilled out. nitro is exhausted because one of the staff took him for a run in the park, and then i took him out in the garden a couple of minutes ago for another run around. he’ll sleep good tonight i think.

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sleepy saturday

ok so i managed to sleep the night and morning away lol go figure. i’m somewhere strange and i can actually sleep? doesnt make sense.
anyway i got some good sleep. it was hot in my room last night though and i woke up in the middle of the night with my pajamas clung to me. that just felt ick.
this morning we got a choice of either a cooked breakfast or pancakes. I had pancakes. They were delicious. I knew the kids would be delighted with pancakes, we had sugar and lemon on ours.
I went back to bed after breakfast. Its saturday, and I wanted to relax. Everyone else was doing their own thing. Now I’m just waiting for the bus driver to arrive to collect us then we’ll all be heading out to the mall.

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I had a very Relaxed evening

i had a very relaxed couple of hours. dinner was lovely. i had spaghetti bolognes. it was so yummy. i decided I’d have the dessert too so I had profitta rolls with chocolate sauce probably it put 2 pounds on me lol but oh well.

after dinner i had to fill out the dreaded paperwork, hated doing that. this time it was a form about the assistance i need while I am here, and something about my meds, my medical needs and I also had to say what I thought my personality was like. of course i struggled with that, because well did someone ever ask you what your personality is like, or to describe yourself in very few words, and all of a sudden all you can think of is all the bad things about how you are? that was me lol.

after that one of the staff asked me and the other two girls who are on respite if we wanted to watch a movie. we all said that we did. she gave us four movies to choose from, we picked bride wars. it was such a great movie! i cant remember whose in it lol but it was my type of movie, funny and a little sad too.

now i’m just chilling in my room. i will be up for a while yet. i dont plan on doing anything else tonight besides just being online.
nitro had his little run about outside already, he met a couple of dogs and went tearing off with them and would not come back when i called his name the little rascal. one of the staff lisa said she’d come to my room at 11 and take him out for me so that I dont have to which was really sweet of her. I wouldnt have minded doing it myself but she said I should chill since I am on respite.

Not sure what time we’re getting up at in the morning I need to ask lisa that when she comes in. We’ll be going out tomorrow afternoon to a local shopping mall. Some of us are going to the movies and others are going to look in the stores and have a coffee. I was going to go to the movies but there isnt anything that I wanted to see thats showing then so maybe sunday we can go to despicable me 3 or something I promised the kids I’d take them to see that one. I’ll probably let them have an icecream or a cake tomorrow as a treat.

carol anne

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Got to respite safely

well i am now in respite. been here about an hour. got a taxi from mom and dads to the centre, of course the traffic was nuts, i was stuck in the city for what seemed like an eternity, so the taxi driver charged me quite a bit more than I usually pay.

when i got here i was met by eileen who is one of the staff, she took my luggage and then asked me if i’d like some tea or coffee, so i went and had a cuppa with her, then i took nitro out to the back garden for a few minutes, and what did the little monster do? he rolled in the wet grass so now he’s soaked through.

just waiting to have dinner now, not sure what we’re having for dinner tonight, but we usually get a choice of two dishes, plus we also get dessert and tea or coffee. After dinner will probably chill for the evening, watchsome tv and read my book. Tomorrow and sunday we will be going out on outings, there are 3 of us in this weekend for respite and then there are also the residents who permanently live here, there are about 10 of them.

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