Tag: PTSD

I want contact

tonight i really would love to contact eileen. i havent but god i want to. the main reason i havent is because of last time i did. last weekend i contacted her to ask her about our session time, because i genuinely forgot the time of the session, since she changed it at the last minute. so i texted her. in session on monday she asked me about it, and casually she said i am wondering why you did that and on a sunday, you dont normally do that? as soon as she said it i immediately felt so embarressed. she’s right, i would normally not contact her on the weekend. she asked me if i’d been struggling and just needed to have her reassurance, and i wanted to say no, but i couldnt, because the anser was yes.
its so hard, the boundaries, and knowing what is and isnt appropriate as far as contact, she isnt restricting me contacting her, but she said she just needs to hold good boundaries, because of the fact that I havent had consistency in my life around holding boundaries and around what is and isnt appropriate.
all very well, but when your desperate, all that goes out the window!
tonight I feel desperate. the little parts need to be heard. they need to be soothed. they feel sad. i dont know why they’re alone and sad, but i feel the intensity of the ache in my heart, and it hurts to breathe.
and i want to email or text eileen. but i’m scared to. what if she gets angry if i do it. what if she wants a break from me, what if I’m too much? what if, what if. i suppose i could email, after all at least with an email its not instant, she can read it when she wants or has time to.
so hard to know what to do for the best but I just know the young parts of me crave a mom and not our bio mom because they do not consider her their mom!
Any advice on what to do would be appreciated!

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the last few days

so the last few days have been busy for me. the weathers been absolutely amazing here, sunny and warm, in fact too warm at times.
I pulled out all of my summer clothes, shorts, stringy tops, and had to end up wearing a pair of shorts and string top to bed last night, as well as sleeping with no covers on me it was that warm. dont forget that its quite unheard of here in ireland to get temps past 18 or 19 c or low 70’s f.
i had a relief PA yesterday, instead of my regular PA. I knew her, she has done relief for me before, so that was ok, she’s nice, and she got everything done that needed doing.
My regular PA went to see Justin bieber with her daughter on Wednesday night, so she took Yesterday and today off of work.
I didnt see dr. Barry this week. I should have saw her, but I did not want to spend a long time waiting in the hospital on wednesday morning, I felt kinda sick, so I canceled the apt until next week, I already got a phone call from her secretary with my apt for next wednesday, so that is good, I’ll also get my trevicta injection then.
I’ll be at my parents house for the weekend came here this afternoon, was going to spend it at home on my own but my mom said she’d prefer me to be with them, I think she knew I was kind of struggling a little, although I hadnt said anything to her about it.
The littles are so happy, they got a big package with 30 movies in it this week, they were so excited to get their own mail it was so sweet to watch them open it. We got them cheap on ebay.
My wasp issue seems to be sorted, they just disappeared, not sure how but so glad they did.
No other updates really, hope everyone has a great weekend.

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productive day today, nutritionist tomorrow morning

today i had a pretty good day. i woke at 5:30, got up and let nitro out and fed him. it was really warm and i knew i’d never be able to go back to sleep. i was supposed to go see dr. barry, but I canceled the appointment. I just didnt feel up to going up to the hospital very early, waiting around, and then having an intens session. I was due my trevicta injection today but I rang the clinic nurse and she said i could get it next week so thats what i’m going to do. when i told dr barrys secretary i wouldnt be coming in, i asked her to ring me back with a new appointment, and she didnt so that means tomorrow I’ll have to chase that up. mom and my sister came over after picking davin up from preschool. my mom cut my grass, and my sister made me my lunch, i had chicken rap with cheese and chili mayo and it was delicious. i started to get kinda tired at around 1ish so i told my mom that i was going to bed for an hour. i stayed there for about 1 and a half hours. i think it did me the world of good to do that. i got a huge parcel in the mail today from ebay. 100 movies and cd’s. i’m slowly going through them to see whats in there. earlier in the week the kids got a batch of 30 movies, which they were so surprised to get. they love disney movies and i managed to get lots of them cheap from a girl who was getting rid of them because her kids outgrew them. i forgot to go on the treadmill today. i meant to go on for 15 minutes. now i’ll have to do it in the morning. tomorrow is weigh in day. i’m dreading it. i’ve weighed myself on a scales i have here in the house and its way off. that is making me feel worse because i keep thinking what if i am that weight? logically I know I’m not though.
I’ll post more about the weight and exercise regime I’m going to start, tomorrow.
It includes a detailed food diary, daily exercise, healthy choices when it comes to food, and lots of water too.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.
love to all,
carol anne

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The celebration

well we celebrated moms birthday and had a blast. there was myself, my mom, dad, sister and my sisters 2 kids. despite my dads whining and being a groan, we enjoyed ourselves. he’s all about routine, and he wanted to leave the garden centre after an hour, after we’d eaten our meal. but we wanted to stay and look around at the flowers and other items they sell. me and my sister also wanted to get dessert and get our mom a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. we did end up staying which my dad wasnt to thrilled about. the garden centre has so many amazing flowers and plants, but a lot of them are very expensive. my sister bought some flowers, she said she wants to try her hand at gardening. i would have bought some but my fear of bees and insects keeps me from having flowers in my back yard. i did see apple trees though and I really want one. My friend rose said they draw wasps too though and my sister said they draw worms. I would also love a swing for my back yard. then I could sit out and read or listen to music while nitro played in the garden. i’d also love a water feature but they are so expensive. then you have to get a plumber to plumb it all in and stuff. it sounds like too much hard work but maybe i can dream? the food was lovely. for my meal i had a sweet chili and chicken rap with fries, and for dessert I had red velvet gateau. it was delicious. they make all of their cakes fresh every day so its extra nice. my mom won five euro on one of the lottery tickets I gave her. she didnt get anything on the other two. when we drove back to ur parents and dropped them off, mom said to me and laura that she’d had a fantastic day, then she kissed both of us which was a big surprise but a nice surprise. i think she felt special and was happy to have her family around her today. the weather here is still really hot. the temps are supposed to get higher tomorrow. we had a little thunder shower earlier but I think thats because of the heat. I’m feeling good tonight. I feel settled, calm and happy which feels so nice. Its been a wonderful day.

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I am the Blocker

it is very hard for me to write but i am going to try. i never spoke out loud to anyone, that is, until today. today i spoke to our therapist eileen. it was totally by accident. therapy started off going in one direction and then it totally went in a differeyt way, simply because carol anne happened to mention that she doesnt seem to have as much access to certain system information any more like she used to in the past. eileen was curious why that might be. carol anne didnt know but i did. i am what is known as a blocker. in fact i am just called the blocker. my job is to block people in our system from feeling emotions, my job is to shut the emotions down, and dissociate them away. up to recently i was doing this all of the time. then i started to allow little bits of emotion to get through, but each time i felt that we were getting overwhelmed, i’d put on the breaks again. my job is also to keep people at arms length, not to get too close to anyone or let anyone gt too close to us. for fear we’d get hurt. i noticed some of the insiders really starting to trust eileen. and that caused me to panick. so that is basically what me and eileen talked all about today. eileen said she can totally understand where I’m coming from, she said i had to do what I do to survive, and if I didnt, I wouldnt have survived the abuse. We looked at different strategies and ways of me not doing that, ways of me allowing the others to process memories and trust in a safe space, like eileens office. and i do feel safe in there. if i can allow anyone in its eileen. she has proven over and over again that she is trustworthy and that she cares. i told her i’d allow us to be ourselves in therapy, but that maybe i’d continue to wall things off in everyday life because it felt safer. eileen agreed that for now that was probably a good plan. she kept asking me what do i see when i look at carol anne, or liz. i told her i see carol anne as the 14 year old she was back when she first started coming out. she has aged since then but i dont see it. its like my brain hasnt caught up. i still see her as that vulnerable 14 year old who needs protecting. eileen kept saying that carol anne and liz are a team, that they run things for us now mostly. and that they are doing a very good job of it. and i agree they are. we’d be lost without carol anne. and liz is just liz, she kicks ass. so we talked about the time and date and year and the past versus the present for a while too. that was interesting. the session has given me a lot to think over and reflect on.

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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frum taylor

o guys i sad cus my head hurts
and the voises are bak
and i hate them
and they be mean
say mean things to me
like i horible girl
and no budy liks me
and i shud die
it mak me cry
why them voises jus no leav me be
i so sad i want someone to sit with me
taylor i six

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