SO AFTER WRITING THE LAST POST ABOUT BEING IN CRISIS, I WENT TO BED. I DIDNT TEXT EILEEN, I DECIDED I’D WAIT AND HANG TOUGH, SEE IF I WOULD BE ABLE TO RIDE IT OUT ON MY OWN. THANKFULLY I WAS ABLE TO, AND I AM GONNA EMAIL EILEEN THIS MORNING TO UPDATE HER. I KNOW SHE’S GONNA BE SO PROUD OF US FOR BEING ABLE TO GET THROUGH A TOUGH NIGHT ON OUR OWN. SHE’LL PROBABLY SAY I SHOULD’VE REACHED OUT, BUT TO BE HONEST, WE’D HAD A LOT OF CONTACT WITH HER ALREADY THIS WEEK, AND I WASNT SO SURE SHE’D APPRECIATE IT IF I TEXTED AGAIN IN CRISIS SO SOON. I KNOW YOU CANT HELP WHEN A CRISIS HITS, BUT I JUST DONT LIKE TO BOTHER HER TOO MUCH. EVEN THOUGH SHE’S TOLD ME ITS FINE, AND THAT I CAN ALWAYS TEXT OR EMAIL HER IF THE NEED ARISES. ANYWAY, I WENT TO BED, AT 8:30 AND I FELL INTO A DEEP SLEEP. IT WAS BLISS. I SLEPT FOR 5 HOURS AND WOKE UP FEELING WAY BETTER. MUCH BRIGHTER. I GOT UP AND LET NITRO OUT, HAD A SHOWER, MADE A COFFEE, AND AM NOW SITTING HERE READING EMAIL. THE CRISIS HAS PASSED…YAY. AM SO THRILLED. AND WE DIDNT SELF HARM. ANOTHER WIN. THIS MORNINGS GOING TO BE A BUSY ONE FOR US. OUR PA FRANCES COMES AT 9, AND WE GOTTA GO TO THE STORE TO BUY GROCERIES. I HAVENT BEEN TO A STORE SINCE ALL THIS SOCIAL DISTANCING STARTED, SO I AM A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE ABOUT GOING. I HEARD THEY’RE ONLY ALLOWING A COUPLE PEOPLE IN AT A TIME, AND YOU HAVE TO GET IN LINE IF YOU WANT TO GO IN. I DO NEED FOOD THOUGH SO I’LL BRAVE THE STORE. I’M GOING TO WALK THERE, ITS ABOUT A HALF HOUR FROM MY HOUSE. THE FRESH AIR WILL DO US GOOD. I’LL GET A TAXI HOME AFTERWORDS. I ALSO AM WORKING ON FRIENDLY CALL TODAY, WAS MEANT TO HAVE NEXT WEEK OFF OF WORK BUT NOW IT ISNT HAPPENING, I HAVE TO WORK AGAIN ALL 5 DAYS NEXT WEEK. AT LEAST ONCE I GET DONE TODAY I’LL HAVE THE WEEKEND OFF. I’M GOING TO FIND SOMETHING ON NETFLIX AND BINGE WATCH IT. ANYONE GOT ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ME? OR SOMETHING ON AMAZON PRIME? I’M LOOKING FOR GOOD SHOWS TO WATCH, SO IF ANYONE HAS ANY LET ME KNOW. WELL THATS ABOUT IT FOR NOW….THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR THE SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS YOU LEFT FOR ME. WE ALL APPRECIATE THEM. YOU ALL ROCK!
LIZ
Tag: PTSD
FROM LIZ, IN A BIT OF A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS!
WE ARE IN A MAJOR MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS! I AM IN SO MUCH TURMOIL! I STARTED FREAKING OUT EARLIER, AND I CANT CALM DOWN. I AM SOOO ANXIOUS. I HAVE HAD MEMORIES AND FLASHBACKS GOING ON FOR HOURS NOW. WE’VE BEEN SWITCHING LIKE CRAZY, I’VE JUST COME OUT LONG ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN TO WRITE THIS NOW. BEFORE THIS KIDS WERE ALL CRYING AND FREAKING OUT, TRIGGERFEST, WHAT A FUCKING MESS! WE ARE HAVING URGES TO SELF HARM, AND FEELING LIKE WE SHOULD JUST END IT. WE FEEL SO SO UNWELL AND VERY UNSTABLE. THINK I SHOULD TEXT EILEEN BUT DUNNO IF I CAN? AFRAID TO? JUST CAUSE I DONT WANNA BOTHER HER? LIKE CAUSE WE ONLY SAW HER YANNO TODAY? AND MAYBE SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED? I NEED TO PUT MY FEARS ASIDE AND JUST TEXT HER! OMG GUYS I AM IN SUCH A MESS. I’M LITERALLY SHAKING FROM HEAD TO TOE! I CANT EVEN PUT WORDS TO THE MEMORIES. THEY’RE ALL JUMBLED SNIPPETS, NOTHINGS CLEAR. ALL I GET ARE GLIMPSES, BUT WHEN I TRY TO PIECE IT TOGETHER I CANT. MY ANXIETYS THROUGH THE ROOF! I AM SO, SO ANXIOUS. I AM ANCI AND JITTERY, AND CANT SIT STILL FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES! HELP SOMEONE HELP ANYONE I NEED SOMEONE! I AM NOT OK!
LIZ
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Virtually being held by our therapist
Therapy today was awesome! We had a great session and Eileen was amazing.
During the session some of the kids had a hard time feeling eileens presence, they didnt understand that she could see them, some of them do, but some dont understand about it being online now. They were wondering why we werent in eileens office, and seeing her, sitting next to her, and being with her.
Then eileen had an idea. She said for us to put our hand our left hand on our right shoulder, just like she does when we’re upset or stressed out.
We did it, and it was instant, the connection! Eileen said she was reaching out to us, and connecting, doing it too, and she even said she felt heat under her own hand, as if our shoulder was right there under her hand.
Then, she had us do the butterfly hug, which is part of EMDR, and she also did it with us, even going at the same speed with the tapping that we were doing.
Being virtually held made us all feel so safe.
She kept saying to us, you are safe, I am here with you, listen to my voice, I am in your living room, we are connected.
It was such a validating experience! I never thought online therapy would work so well, but it actually does. Even Eileen agrees, she said she had misgivings too at first, but she’s glad we’re doing it now, and she still feels our connection as strongly as if we were in her office and sitting together.
I am so glad she does, because, I do too.
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Insomniac at 4 AM
I am wide awake. I cant sleep. At least my headache is gone. Thank god!
I’m full of anxious thoughts. Full of awful anxious feelings. Anxiety is awful I am so over it and I wish it would just disappear.
I was feeling cold, so put my heat on, and turned on the radio, there is a repeat of this mornings talk show on. I have already heard it, but mostly I put the radio on for background noise.
My friend Norma said she’d come over this morning, she’s going to bring me some gloves, disposable gloves to use when I go to the ATM machine tomorrow, because well, you don’t know whose been using it before you so its a good idea to wear the gloves when touching it. Well I think so anyway.
I did sleep a little bit, but I wish I’d gotten a bit more sleep. I dozed on and off, but I couldnt fall into a deep sleep. I am too worked up. This coronavirus has me so anxious.
I’m worried about my sister now possibly having it, she’s been around me and so I am worried in case I will catch it too. Its a huge worry too in case my mom will catch it. Dont know what I’d do if anything was to happen to my mom. Will just have to hope that the lady who my sister worked for doesnt have it and so she couldnt have passed it on to her.
I’m gonna go make a cup of coffee, I need a caffeine fix. Lol. 😀
I’m feeling miserable
So I am feeling so miserable right now. I have an awful headache. I suppose drinking coffee isnt helping it. Its more like tention in my head than an actual headache, but it hurts a lot.
Did I mention I hate headaches of any kind? Well I do.
Its at the front of my head, kinda at the sides too. Its a dull achy kinda pain, absolutely horrible.
I hope it isnt gonna last all night. I’m not up for that. And I dont wanna feel so sick, or vomit with it, so I am hoping I won’t.
Send positive vibes to me, I need them…
Gonna have a therapy session with Eileen tomorrow!
So Eileen just called us! She said we’ve been on her mind a lot, and she wanted to know if we were free tomorrow to have a session then.
We jumped at the chance to do that!
She spoke to Allie too, because Allie had sent her a text to ask her if she was mad at us. Of course the answer was no!
So we’re going to see her tomorrow at 12:30 and we’ll have a good chat then!
Everything seems to be going good for us with our team all being so supportive and first today dr. barry rang us, and then eileen called us to fit us in even after we couldnt do our monday session!
I am so thankful to have such an amazing, incredible supportive team around me!
Eileen is just the best! I love that she thinks of us even outside of our session time with her.
We are incredibly lucky to have such an attuned therapist!
And Allie is happy now too and she’s stopped worrying!
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Im thinkin eileen might be mad at us?
Its allie. for ya’ll who dont know me im 9. im realy sad. and kinda freakin out. i think eileen might be mad at us. but im scared to ask her!
see we was meant to go to therapy on monday, but we had a migraine, and felt overwhelmed, so liz texted eileen to tell her we aint going. she asked eileen if we can reschedule, but eileen said she didnt have another time available, but if she gets a cancelation shed get in touch with us. but i am gessing nobody canceled cuz she never texted us.
but the text she sent us back after liz texted her was real short, and not how she normally writes. so what if shes mad at us?
do ya think i should ask her?
i want to but im so scared of the answer being yes!
allie 9
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