Fuck fuck!

ANXIETY WOKE US UP! DAMN! DAMN DAMN DAMN!
NOW WE WONT BE ABLE TO FALL BACK TO SLEEP AGAIN!
OMG I AM NOT HAPPY!
MY HANDS ARE SHAKING SO BAD THAT I CAN BARELY TYPE THIS! WELL SHIT!
MY CHEST FEELS SO TIGHT!
MY HEART IS POUNDING!
AND ITS ONLY MIDNIGHT! A WHOLE NIGHT OF THIS? OMG! I CANNOT DEAL!
WE DIDNT HAVE A NIGHTMARE, AT LEAST NOT THAT I AM AWARE OF!
SO WHY?
OMG!

LIZ

Regular with meds again

I’m making more of an effort to be better about taking my meds. I wasn’t so good about it for a while. I was forgetting them a lot of the time. I started yesterday and decided that I need to do better. So yesterday and today I’ve taken all of my meds, and I haven’t forgotten any of them in two days now. And I think its helping. I mean, not completely sure yet, its too early to say, but my guess is it will help, and I’ll feel much better after a few days. At least, hats my hope.

It is taking a huge effort on my part, and the dissociation is so bad, but the anxiety is bad also, and so to get it down, I really need the clonidine I am prescribed, and also, my Prozac, it will help my mood.

Dr. Barry knew I wasn’t always taking my meds, she constantly checks with me, to see if I’m taking them. She will be happy to hear that I’m making an effort to not forget to take them. That will please her.

I hope it will help. And I hope I can keep it going.

Poetry-Like a vulture

Fear wraps itself around me
and like a vulture
it grabs
It grips
It claws
It pulls
It is my constant companion
At night
There is no rest
No reprieve
the Fear is just always there
Staring me down
Making me crazy
I’ve come to know fear
As my friend
The friend I hate
The friend I don’t want
And just like that vulture
who swooped in
I want to swoop in
and feel something else
Other than the fear
I feel now

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/01/27/vulture/

Today in therapy…

Therapy today was good. we talked a lot about the anxiety, and eileen had us do some EMDR to help with it. We worked with the pulsers, and she had me bring up a safe place, somewhere where I felt peaceful, calm, and soothed. I decided that I wanted to be back at torc waterfall, where I went last summer, because I loved the sound the water made, it was so calming. So using the pulsers I was able to bring up the image of it, and then Eileen had me come up with a word that I could use when I wanted to go there in my mind, so I used the word soothing. She said, when I said that word that immediately the images of torc waterfall would come into my mind. She told me during the week, if the anxiety gets really bad, that I should do the butterfly hug, which is an EMDR exercise, and say that word soothed aloud, and doing both of those things, I’d be able to calm down again. The anxiety felt so bad this morning, it really felt as if I was going to die from it. I can honestly say it was the worst its ever been. When we first got to our session, we were dissociating a lot. Actually it was Emily who was out at first, and it was a little while before Eileen was able to get Liz out and then get me back again. She had to keep telling us over and over that we were safe, and there was no immediate emergency. We kept wanting to run, that happens to us sometimes, we’ll want to run away. It usually happens when we are very distressed or very triggered. Overall though we did have a good session, and we were really happy when we left, calmer, more able to function again, and when we got home we slept for a few hours, because we were drained, therapy always makes us tired, especially if we’ve been doing EMDR.

Yay! Slept a little!

So me working out was a good thing!
I managed to sleep for a couple hours afterwords! So yay thats fab!
I am so grateful that I got a few hours. It was so needed!
I feel all the better for it now!
I got up at 4 AM! I’m enjoying my first cup of coffee now!
Nitro was snuggled up with me in the bed! He’s so big that he took up all of the room! But I love him! I wouldnt have it any other way! I just hugged him and turned over and fell asleep!
And my anxiety is less now! So exercise, and my dog helped!
Yay! Now to have a great therapy session today! I hope we will!

Alone in the dark

I sit here
I live in fear
The flashbacks come
They leave me feeling so numb
Sitting here in the dark
Rain falls outside my window
I try to focus on the sound
Anything so I wont drown
I cry silent tears
I relive all of my fears
Oh how I hate
The night, and the darkness
It swallows me whole
Until I am no more
And feel so unsure