Early start

Good morning everyone
I woke up at 8 so decided to get up. even tho i only went to bed at 3 AM. no point in staying in bed and sleeping on a hot day, it wastes the day in my opinion.
i have no plans for today. my dad just took nitro for a walk. he always does that when i am visiting. he has his own dog called biggie, a bullstaff, he walks him too his dog is his life he likes to walk him and so when nitros here he doesnt miss out and goes for walks too.
i intend on catching up on my blogs for the morning and then we’ll see after that.

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5 facts about me

for my new readers, and my old readers too, here are 5 random facts about me.

I’ve been to disneyworld in florida twice. In 2008 and 2009. It was a lot of fun. something that if you can afford it I think everyone should go there.

I love the ocean. I love sitting listening to the waves crashing. I find it very peaceful.

I collect dvd’s. and cd’s. I enjoy movies and music very much.

I’ve had 3 guide dogs. Nitro is my 3rd dog. My other two were females. His personality is a lot different to the female dogs I had. He’s more cuddly and loving I think.

I like raising awareness about mental illness. I try to do it when I can. I’ve given talks and educated doctors on did and ptsd. Its something I’m passionate about.

What are some facts about you?

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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A very good Friday

Things are a lot better for us today. A lot calmer. We had a terrific day. The weather here was beautiful today. I spent the day at my parents house out in their garden. Nitro was in his element, he really enjoyed being out in the garden running around. My sister came with the kids and we all had a fun time. Tomorrow mom and us and our sister and the kids are going to the beach and doing a BBQ on the beach. I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to a long walk on the beach, and a big 99 icecream cone on the way home. I promised the kids I’d get them an ice cream cone with a chocolate flake in it. The BBQ should be fun. We’re going to BBQ sausages. The weather for the rest of this weekend is supposed to be fabulous. Its my cousins birthday tomorrow, I got her a card and am giving her some money and a lottery ticket. Mom and me and my sister were going to go to my aunts today to drop her presents and cards off to her but then my sister was too tired so we never ended up going. My other aunt whose moms other sister called this evening and I spent some time chatting to her and mom which was cool. I’ve also been burning cd’s all day onto my computer. I am trying to rip all of my music and rip all of my movies and its going to take me forever lol. I have so many you see. My new dvd’s and cd’s i got on ebay havent arrived yet. I’m anxiously waiting for them to arrive. Maybe they’ll come on Monday. I hope you’ve all had a good day today. What are your plans for the weekend?

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Enjoying the sunshine!

Me and Nitro are enjoying the sunshine today. Its roasting here. Yesterday was nice as well. One of the staff showed me an area outside where Nitro can go and its all walled in so he cant get out. I brought him out after his dinner for half an hour. I sat on the bench and he ran around and it was wonderful. Feeling the sun on my face was so refreshing. It made me feel so good. Its almost dinner time now. Its spaghetti bolognes tonight. I napped for a while in the afternoon today. I napped for longer than I thought I would. Hopefully I’ll still sleep tonight.

Life update

I’m having a pretty good afternoon. I’m relaxed and in a good mood.
Its nice to feel calm. It feels good.
Strange, but good. I’m so used to feeling on edge, stressed out etc that I dont know how it feels to just sit and be.
I like this feeling.
My dads getting sick. He has something going on with his chest. He is coughing a lot and he also has stomach issues going on. we are trying to get him to see a doctor but he keeps refusing. i told him he isnt going to get better by doing nothing.
Nitro is doing good. He’s happy. He’s such a cuddle bug. Always looking for pats. He has taken to licking my toes lately to show his affection for me. its pretty cute.
overall life is good this afternoon. I hope your all having a good saturday.

student nurse

One of the nurses, amy, a student nurse was very good to me during this hospitalisation. she is a general nurse, just doing her psych placement. i do think all student nurses are awesome, i think its because they are just learning and have more empathy and respond better to patients than lets say a nurse whose been in the job a while or maybe knows some of the patients and their history. amy has been super nice to me and i really appreciate her for that. after lunch today she sat on my bed talking to me. we just talked about dogs and what respite would be like for me. normal every day conversation. she has also helped me in the shower this week twice, so i feel i know her that little bit better and we have gotten a bit closer because helping someone shower is an intimate thing. she told me today about her dog honey, and i told her all about nitro. today is the last day i’ll see her because i go home before she comes in for her next shift. i’m sad to have to say goodbye to her. thanks amy for everything. i know you said you’ll read my blog from time to time so thank you. your kindness touched my heart and made me feel awesome. your acceptance of my did diagnosis meant a lot to me. thank you for everything.
❤ xoxo