Feeling better, have calmed down now!

So I’m calmer now. The rage from earlier that I felt has subsided.

I face timed sarah, in colorado, and that helped. We talked for over 2 hours!

It was nice. We commiserated with each other, so I vented all of my anger and got it all out of my system, lol.

Plus I had 2 cups of strong coffee also! I needed the caffeine! I was so annoyed it was not good!

Now my plan is to go watch some tv, I want to watch operation transformation, that I missed last Wednesday because I fell asleep while it was on. Thats on for an hour. I’m a little anxious but am hoping if I sit down in front of the TV and try to wind down that the anxiety and anxious feelings will pass.

I guess we’ll see what happens. I can hope, right?

I’m raging

I am so mad right now! I’m absolutely fuming.

I was going home from my parents to my own house. My mom and aunt were both coming with me. So I rang my usual taxi base, and I asked them to send me out a minivan, since I had the dog, a load of bags, and there was the 3 of us as well.

First off, I had a 20 minute wait, which I wasn’t too fussed about, since we were getting a minivan, and I know there aren’t too many of those on the road on a sunday.

Eventually the minivan came. The driver was so rude. He wanted me to put Nitro in the boot of the van, on his own. I told him I didn’t think that was appropriate, that guide dogs aren’t meant to go in the boot, they are meant to either sit in the front with their owner, or else sit in the back on the back seat.

He was like, well, there is no room, I suppose he can sit in the back. But by then Nitro was very nerous and frightened, since he’d been trying to get him into the boot and Nitro was refusing to do what he said.

So I said fuck it, and I told him I’d leave it, that I wouldn’t be taking the taxi after all. By this time, I was close to tears. So then, I went back indoors to moms house and I rang the base, and I complained. The girl was not impressed with the way the driver treated us. She offered to get me another taxi, but I said it was fine, as I’d already called a different company.

So I did eventually get home, and I’m not the better of it. Taxi’s have gone so bad lately, all moaning and complaining about having to take the dog, they either complain about his size, or the hair, or something else. Its actually against the law for them not to take him, so they don’t actually ever refuse directly, but they do make it known that they aren’t happy about him being in their cars.

It really gets to me. I am really upset now because of what happened.

Mental health day

I’ve been having a mental health day today. I am at my parents house, and I did absolutely nothing today.

I got up late, 9 AM which is late for me. I slept really well last night, I always do though when I am at my parents. Well mostly I do.

I just relaxed, read a book, watched some tv, and chatted with my mom.

I ate leftovers for dinner, I had cooked a shepherds pie yesterday, a slimming world friendly one. I had leftovers of that today, and I have some which I’ll have during the week also.

I’m enjoying a coffee now, and catching up on blogs. Yay for a happy day. I love those.

Self care, its important…

Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.
Douglas Pagels

the anxiety monster is rearing its ugly head again…

Anxiety! Fuck! I’m so so anxious!

I’m shaking like a leaf! I have palpitations, and my heart is pounding!

this is no fun, no fun at all!

I am seriously fed up with the massive amounts of anxiety that hits me at night. But what to do! I do everything I can to distract from it!

I wish I knew how to fix it!

I feel so out of it right now! Not sleeping at all either! Its gone midnight here now!

I just hope the anxiety monster lets up soon!

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Assessment of needs

So my public health nurse called me back. She wans to come out and meet me. She said she’d like to assess my needs.
I already have a file with them, as I’ve seen public health nurses in the past for various things. She provisionally booked me in for next wednesday, but she said she’d be in touch next week to arrange it and firm up dates.
I am so nervous. I will have to tell her my history, about my mental health, how I struggle so much with that. Its not just my blindness causing me problems. The mental illnesses are a far more complex part of my history and actually I would say they are more what I struggle with.
Although I will of course put down blindness also, as thats my primary disability. In order to get more PA hours, I have to say what I am going to use them for. She told me to think about what I need, why I need the hours, she gave me a few suggestions, like we can use them to batch cook, or for my PA to iron clothes, do laundry etc.
All of this relates to my blindness, but in regards to my did and ptsd and anxiety, we can also use hours for socialising, going places, getting out and about. The PA doesnt have to know all of my history, and probably wont be trained in anything to do with mental health anyway.
So between now and next week, I will think on somc ideas for what I will use my hours on, and I will write down some notes. Then I can use my laptop and read out to the nurse what I’ve written down.
I’m not sure how long its going to take to get extra hours, the place providing them are very slow, there’s lots of red tape, paperwork to go through when applying, and then it has to go before a bord. They’ve refused me in the past, saying I was too independent. I hope they dont do that again. Who says how independent a person is anyway, they dont know me at all.
I am hopeful, and hoping for the best outcome once I apply.