Thanks to everyone who supported me last night when I felt so bad. I am ok now, I am feeling a lot stronger, I am sorry if I upset anyone, or made anyone feel uncomfortable with talk of suicide and being depressed.
Sometimes I forgot and I know they are hard things to talk about and sometimes people arent in a place to talk about that stuff. Bcause sometimes I am not either.
anyway I had a good sunday. I am going to talk with our therapist eileen in the morning. I know she’ll help. She always does.
I been reading the secret garden and watching netflix. I been watching disney plus also. I love Icarly, austin and ally, and jesse.
We also took a nap this afternoon, cuz we was up early so we got tired.
Naps are good!
love, emily xoxo
Well, Em had a bad night. She was struggling a lot tonight. She finally got some sleep and she is now sleeping. But I am wide awake. I am worried about her. She has been so depressed lately. Its such a worry. We that is myself and liz, and jade, have been trying to help her best as we can. The thing is though, she doesnt want to talk to us. She keeps everything to herself. Jade lives with her, in the area inside where Emily lives, and she has said she’ll keep an eye on her. I worry when she is so suicidal. She can be quite impulsive. And she has an ability to block the rest of us from knowing what she’s doing, and she can block us from having control of the body, if she wants to as well, I need to try to keep focused, and keeping a close eye on whose out, what they are doing when they are out etc. I’ve told emily she isnt to come out if she feels suicidal, unless myself or Liz or Jade are close by to watch her. She has agreed to this. I’ve taken all of our meds, and hid them. The last thing I want is for her to get hold of our meds and take the whole lot, which is something that could easily happen when she gets the urge to die and because she is so impulsive at times. Her depression debilitates her. You can tell, just from looking at her that she’s not ok. Did you ever walk into a room with someone whose depressed and the energy in the room feels awful? The air is heavy, the atmosphere is heavy? That is how it is here when Emilys out. She says she feels flat, and she has no energy to care. thats the worry, when she has no energy to care. i’ve told her she can write to people, on our email list, and on our blog over the next few days for support and she said she would do that. she’ll also talk to eileen on monday I hope. I’ve emailed eileen to fill her in on the situation. Just one more day to get through before we see eileen. Thank god.
hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
emily age 12
Darina one of our child alters, is six years old.
She can be extremely funny.
This morning she said to me, wide eyed, and oh so serious:
You know how in therapy eileen always talks to people about whats wrong?
Yes, I said.
Well what about the insiders who arent sad? What about us?
Do happy ones get to talk to?
Of course, I said, with a smile.
Everyone is welcome to talk, remember eileen said that.
Oh yeah, she said, but I just thought the happy kids were forgotten about cuz we dont gots problems.
Lol. She’s so cute.
FOWC with Fandango — Classic
Its a brand new day
I face the world
Head held high
eyes full of wonder
they are wide open
I am ready
To take on anything
Life has to throw at me
Good morning world
the pain is so real
and I dont want to feel
numb to my core
i dont want to endure
the urge to cut is so strong
I wish nothing was wrong
cutting keeps me sane
and takes away my pain
finding the words to talk about how I feel
so i will be able to heal
is harder than it looks
On my chest
As I lie here
Leave me feeling
So much fear
Threatens to overtake me
I rise from my bed
Walk to the kitchen
and make a coffee
And decide to stay up
As I am wide awake now anyway
Hopeful the fear
Will leave me soon
I pat nitro
My sweet boy
Who knows I need him
So much right now
Sip on the coffee
And breathe deeply
Its a new day