Clamming up…losing my words…

I have so much I wanna say. I cant. I am lost for words.

My chest is tight my stomach hurts.

I feel clammy, sick, sweaty.

I am losing my shit. I wanna talk but I cant. I need to. I just cant though.

Everything is wrong. So much going on. I just need someone to hear me. Hear what I am not saying…

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The book pimped

I’m reading a fantastic book at the moment, it’s called pimped and it’s by Samantha Owens. It’s a really really good read and I would highly recommend it.

It’s a non-fiction book, a memoir, a true life story.

The thing is this poor teenager had to go through our shocking, really shocking. But they are all to relate able to me some of them at least especially the sexual abuse. Since I was abused not in the same way but in a similar way. I mean I wasn’t pimped out to men, it wasn’t that sort of abuse, but I was raped and so I can relate to what she went through in that way.

If you’re not easily triggered, and you enjoy true stories, I would highly recommend this book to you.

It’s available on audible and probably in kindle format as well.

I need my therapist so bad right now

I really want to text my therapist. I need her so bad right now. I feel so alone. I cant text her, as its gone midnight. But I can email her which I did. The kids are scared and upset. They’ve been crying a lot tonight. They hate the dark. We dont really feel safe. we are feeling anxious and unsafe which is hard to cope with. Nitro is helping though. I just really need her right now. I wish I had her here with me. I have goten out my willow tree figures. She has some of those in her office and haivng mine out is helping me to feel connected to her. I have also gotten out my fleece throw. I wrapped up in it and that also helps me feel connected to her as she has one in her office which she wraps around us when we’re doing memory work. I hate feeling so needy. But I just cant help it. We just feel emotional. And overwhelmed.

Results

Remember I did a presentation a few weeks ago on schizophrenia for college? Well my results are in. I got 75 percent. That’s a fantastic result. Anything over 70 is a first class honour. I am ecstatic. Thrills to bits. I cant believe I got such a great result. The feedback I got was awesome too. Not many people in the class got a very high mark, so I am so happy that I did. I must have made an impression. I know a lot of the class liked the way I presented. They all said I was good and had a good speaking voice and presented the topic clearly and simply. I’m absolutely delighted with the two grades I’ve gotten yesterday and today. That’s is two parts of my module completed now. I got a 60 on my article review and a 75 on my presentation. One more to go and I will hand that in next week, I wont have the result for a few weeks though after I hand in the journal of learning. Once I get my result the 3 parts of the module will be put together and then an overalll grade will be given. Anyway. Just so happy right now. It’s a real confidence boost.

I’ve been thinking

So I’ve been thinking. You remember I said I had an opportunity to do a training course in IT and then do a work placement? Well I’ve decided not to go ahead with it. Basically if I was to go ahead with it, I stand to lose my benefits, and I just cant risk that. I need my medical card, I have to continue seeing dr. Barry, I cant lose her and if I lost my medical card I’d lose her too. That just isn’t an option for me. Plus also, the work placement was only for six weeks, and there was no guarantee of employment at the end of it. I am volunteering right now, and the staff at my volunteer job are really good to me, dropping me and picking me up, and generally being very helpful. If I was to do the training and then go into a six week employment somewhere, I might get somewhere really far away and it would cost me a small fortune to get there every day as I am not confident enough to do the route to get to where it would be. So I think this is the best option for me. I texted the person organizing it and I just said something came up and I wouldn’t be able to commit to the training. I left it at that. I’m happy with my decision. It was a nice offer, but for now I dont think it fits my needs. Maybe in the future if things change I can do something like this if its offered again. Also, my depression and mental health issues are not great at the moment, and I wouldn’t want to start into something and then not be able to complete it. And really, losing dr. Barry was the deciding factor, there was never any way that would even be a possibility for me, I am far too attached to her and I need her to function and if I didn’t have her I’d be in a far worse position than I am in right now.

Sleeping when I can!

I napped earlier. I am basically sleeping as and when I can! I dont get much sleep at a time, maybe 2 or 3 hours max. At least that is what I got tonight. I lay down today when I got home from work, after I ate I lay down, that was around 4 PM. I slept for a little while, until maybe 6 PM. Then I woke up and got up, stayed up for a while and watched some tv, lay back down at around 8 PM. I slept again for maybe an hour or so. Now I am wide awake. I suppose I’ll be up for the night now. Or until 5 or 6 AM at least.

I am still having very low mood. It comes and goes. Certain times of the day are worse for me. Early mornings, and late night seem to be the worse times. Late at night is especially hard, I think because I am alone with my thoughts then. Nobodys here except me, at least I have Nitro to keep me company, without him I dont know what I’d do!

I am basically swimming, trying to stay afloat, trying to do my normal everyday things, trying to function as normal. Its really hard. I am glad I made it to work today. That felt good to actually go. I am also really happy with my grade I got on my assignment for college! That was a tough assignment! I am happy with 60 percent. I feel I did better than I thought I did on it!

Well thats about it for now! I am going to go see what I can find around here to do to keep me busy for a while!

Catch you all later peeps!

achievements, complex ptsd,


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I thank you all

I want to thank you all. For your comments, likes, and support. I dont know where I’d be without you all! This blog is a dumping ground for me, as well as being a place where I post things like quotes, recipes etc, its also a place where I post my darkest thoughts, my inner most feelings, my therapy journey, my daily life updates. Its a venting ground for me, and all of you my dear readers have been so so supportive of me. I can never thank you enough. I hope you gain as much from reading my blog as I do from writing. I am honoured to call you my friends. Your all fab! Thanks again for everything, from the bottom of my heart.
carol anne

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