I’ve been on the phone all morning. Had to order dog food, ordered it and my mom will pick it up for me tomorrow. Then had to call the pharmacy, it turns out they never put me down to get a delivery of my meds, I am supposed to get a delivery each week. Anyway, now I am a week behind, I hadnt notice, since I had enough to tide me over, but I will be recieving a delivery of this weeks meds later on today. Then I called Dr. Barrys secretary, I wanted to make sure I was down for a call today. She said I am, but they are short a doctor so it might be this afternoon before Dr. Barry can call me. She wasnt sure when I would get a call. Thats ok, I can wait, just as long as she calls me, its ok. I dont mind waiting. I’m all talked out now, and am going to go make a coffee, sit down relax and play some games on my phone.
Your three things today are:
As I ease back the duvet
The problems I face
Dissociation, ptsd symptoms
All raise their ugly heads
I dont feel whole
I feel broken
Like a failure
To get out of bed
and face another day
Good morning all
I had a great night. I slept like a log! Makes a change! I think talking with Eileen really helped us. I was in bed by 9 PM! And asleep by 9:30. I did wake once, at 12:30 because Nitro had to go out. But once I let him out I went right back to sleep. And even though it was hot, I managed to sleep. I only slept under one light blanket, so I think that helped. I was awake bright and early at 5:30! I hopped out of bed and was bright eyed and bushy tailed, lol! Made a yummy fruit salad for breakfast, with strawberries, blueberries, and grapes in it, and I put yogurt over it. I didnt even have any coffee. I’m trying to cut back on it. I am drinking plain water instead. Its a little bit cooler this morning, I think we’re meant to have cooler weather today. We need it anyhow after 5 days of hot weather. I think we’re even meant to have a little bit of rain this morning which should cool things off a little. I’m so happy its wednesday. The middle of the week already! I have my phone apt with Dr. Barry this morning. I’m not sure what time she’s going to call me at. I am thinking she’ll probably call about 10:30 or 11 AM. My dad is coming over later to cut my grass. Mom is also coming over. They’ll probably stay for about 2 hours. In the afternoon I will work on friendly call for a few hours. So my wednesday is looking very busy! Yay!
Eileen just called us. We talked and now I feel much better. I feel much calmer.
I was super anxious, and triggered, since I got the news earlier today about the calcoscopy.
I really, really dont wanna do this but I have too, I dont have a choice.
Eileen reassured me that the nurses and doctors are very professional, and that they are very experienced, and used to dealing with all sorta issues and challenges.
She encouraged me to tell them that I’ve had some bad experiences in my past, and that I am very nervous, she said I dont need to go into specifics, that I can just say it in generalised terms, so thats what I think I’ll do!
She said next week in our session we’d make a plan for whose going to come out and be out when we have the test.
She reassured us that its different now, we are safe, nobody is going to hurt us, they will be very respectful, and treat us with respect and they wont want to unduely cause us any stress.
I believe her. She used to be a nurse, before she became a therapist, she knows what she’s talking about.
She told me to put the test out of my head for now, and for me not to spend the next 2 weeks being anxious and upset and feeling so triggered that its effecting me physically and emotionally. She said, wouldnt it be awful if you spent the next 2 weeks, going through the what ifs in your head, worrying about it? I agreed. It would be tragic if I did that.
So for now I’m done worrying. I’ll just remember her words, and put the test out of my head. I will ring the clinic in the morning, and tell them I am blind, and ask if my mom can come in to the room while I am having the test done. Then when I see the consultant I shall say to her that I have gone through some things in my past, and that I am nervous and hope she’ll be understanding.
Thank god for Eileen! She’s my rock! What would I do without her calming reassurance, I’d definitely be an emotional wreck for the next 2 weeks! I am so, so blessed to have her!
trigger talk of internal examination and medical procedure
I got a letter this morning in the post.
I have to go to the kolkoskopy clinic on june 15th to have a kolkoskopy done. I am soooo nervous. I am actually dreading it. My mom said she’d go with me. But she may not be able to actually come in the room for the consultation, because of social distancing.
I am not sure how this is going to go. The dr. doesnt know my history, I’ve actually never met this doctor, but it is a lady doctor thank god for that much.
I’ve already talked with Dr. Barry about the procedure, and she said the kolkoskopy is where they put a camera up into your cervix and have a look around, but you are awake for the whole procedure.
The reason I have to have this done, is because, at my last smear test, after the test I bled a little bit. So they want to check me out, and see why that is.
I really hope it wont hurt too much. I am really afraid of how triggered I am going to become by this.
I should probably call Eileen, think I will do that later on this afternoon.
I wish I got the letter closer to the day I had to go in, because, now I have 2 weeks to get all worked up and anxious, I dont even have a PRN med to take on the morning of the procedure. At least I am having a phone consult with Dr. Barry this week, I can go through things again with her then, and hopefully she can reassure me a little bit.
Has anyone ever had a kolkoskopy done? If you have was it painful?
I think I am going to dissociate badly during it and be so anxious that I might throw up.
Could really use some hugs and support right about now.
I climb in the shower
Let the water run
It pours over my body
Hot, but then
I cool it down a little
The shower is so healing
I stand there
Washing my day away
washing my pain
and emotional overwhelm away
as water pours
I think about life
How I am surviving it
On a daily basis
Its hard, but I am doing it
and I will continue to do it
No matter what
Surviving, is what I am good at
and as the water soaks my skin
I hear my own heartbeat
and I know
I am alive
I have survived
To disturb my dog
He’s snoring peacefully
As I make my morning coffee
I think to myself
How amazing are dogs
All they want is love
They are loyal beyond belief
They will never fail to love you
My dog loves me
And all he wants
Is some loving
Good morning, Nitro!
As we sit together
And I drink my frothy drink
I cuddle and snuggle
Into his soft fur