Sudden Mood dip

I feel like shit. My mood plummeted. Really quickly.

I feel low, so so low.

Suicidal, impulsive, scared I might do something irrational.

Its hard to think. Its hard to put it into words.

I feel like shit and I feel like a failure. I can do nothing right.

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Early start

Good morning everyone
I woke up at 8 so decided to get up. even tho i only went to bed at 3 AM. no point in staying in bed and sleeping on a hot day, it wastes the day in my opinion.
i have no plans for today. my dad just took nitro for a walk. he always does that when i am visiting. he has his own dog called biggie, a bullstaff, he walks him too his dog is his life he likes to walk him and so when nitros here he doesnt miss out and goes for walks too.
i intend on catching up on my blogs for the morning and then we’ll see after that.

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treadmill achievement

today I achieved my goal, I did 15 mins on the treadmill.

I am proud of myself, because I could have easily said no, I’m too tired, too hot, any number of excuses, but I didnt.

I had to come straight offit and go into the shower, to cool myself down.

I plan on doing 10 mins tomorrow morning, then 10 at lunch time, and 10in the evening.

All going well that is.

But I’m happy with todays achievement.

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The celebration

well we celebrated moms birthday and had a blast. there was myself, my mom, dad, sister and my sisters 2 kids. despite my dads whining and being a groan, we enjoyed ourselves. he’s all about routine, and he wanted to leave the garden centre after an hour, after we’d eaten our meal. but we wanted to stay and look around at the flowers and other items they sell. me and my sister also wanted to get dessert and get our mom a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. we did end up staying which my dad wasnt to thrilled about. the garden centre has so many amazing flowers and plants, but a lot of them are very expensive. my sister bought some flowers, she said she wants to try her hand at gardening. i would have bought some but my fear of bees and insects keeps me from having flowers in my back yard. i did see apple trees though and I really want one. My friend rose said they draw wasps too though and my sister said they draw worms. I would also love a swing for my back yard. then I could sit out and read or listen to music while nitro played in the garden. i’d also love a water feature but they are so expensive. then you have to get a plumber to plumb it all in and stuff. it sounds like too much hard work but maybe i can dream? the food was lovely. for my meal i had a sweet chili and chicken rap with fries, and for dessert I had red velvet gateau. it was delicious. they make all of their cakes fresh every day so its extra nice. my mom won five euro on one of the lottery tickets I gave her. she didnt get anything on the other two. when we drove back to ur parents and dropped them off, mom said to me and laura that she’d had a fantastic day, then she kissed both of us which was a big surprise but a nice surprise. i think she felt special and was happy to have her family around her today. the weather here is still really hot. the temps are supposed to get higher tomorrow. we had a little thunder shower earlier but I think thats because of the heat. I’m feeling good tonight. I feel settled, calm and happy which feels so nice. Its been a wonderful day.

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I am the Blocker

it is very hard for me to write but i am going to try. i never spoke out loud to anyone, that is, until today. today i spoke to our therapist eileen. it was totally by accident. therapy started off going in one direction and then it totally went in a differeyt way, simply because carol anne happened to mention that she doesnt seem to have as much access to certain system information any more like she used to in the past. eileen was curious why that might be. carol anne didnt know but i did. i am what is known as a blocker. in fact i am just called the blocker. my job is to block people in our system from feeling emotions, my job is to shut the emotions down, and dissociate them away. up to recently i was doing this all of the time. then i started to allow little bits of emotion to get through, but each time i felt that we were getting overwhelmed, i’d put on the breaks again. my job is also to keep people at arms length, not to get too close to anyone or let anyone gt too close to us. for fear we’d get hurt. i noticed some of the insiders really starting to trust eileen. and that caused me to panick. so that is basically what me and eileen talked all about today. eileen said she can totally understand where I’m coming from, she said i had to do what I do to survive, and if I didnt, I wouldnt have survived the abuse. We looked at different strategies and ways of me not doing that, ways of me allowing the others to process memories and trust in a safe space, like eileens office. and i do feel safe in there. if i can allow anyone in its eileen. she has proven over and over again that she is trustworthy and that she cares. i told her i’d allow us to be ourselves in therapy, but that maybe i’d continue to wall things off in everyday life because it felt safer. eileen agreed that for now that was probably a good plan. she kept asking me what do i see when i look at carol anne, or liz. i told her i see carol anne as the 14 year old she was back when she first started coming out. she has aged since then but i dont see it. its like my brain hasnt caught up. i still see her as that vulnerable 14 year old who needs protecting. eileen kept saying that carol anne and liz are a team, that they run things for us now mostly. and that they are doing a very good job of it. and i agree they are. we’d be lost without carol anne. and liz is just liz, she kicks ass. so we talked about the time and date and year and the past versus the present for a while too. that was interesting. the session has given me a lot to think over and reflect on.

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5 facts about me

for my new readers, and my old readers too, here are 5 random facts about me.

I’ve been to disneyworld in florida twice. In 2008 and 2009. It was a lot of fun. something that if you can afford it I think everyone should go there.

I love the ocean. I love sitting listening to the waves crashing. I find it very peaceful.

I collect dvd’s. and cd’s. I enjoy movies and music very much.

I’ve had 3 guide dogs. Nitro is my 3rd dog. My other two were females. His personality is a lot different to the female dogs I had. He’s more cuddly and loving I think.

I like raising awareness about mental illness. I try to do it when I can. I’ve given talks and educated doctors on did and ptsd. Its something I’m passionate about.

What are some facts about you?

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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