I feel like shit. My mood plummeted. Really quickly.
I feel low, so so low.
Suicidal, impulsive, scared I might do something irrational.
Its hard to think. Its hard to put it into words.
I feel like shit and I feel like a failure. I can do nothing right.
Good morning everyone
I woke up at 8 so decided to get up. even tho i only went to bed at 3 AM. no point in staying in bed and sleeping on a hot day, it wastes the day in my opinion.
i have no plans for today. my dad just took nitro for a walk. he always does that when i am visiting. he has his own dog called biggie, a bullstaff, he walks him too his dog is his life he likes to walk him and so when nitros here he doesnt miss out and goes for walks too.
i intend on catching up on my blogs for the morning and then we’ll see after that.
so the last few days have been busy for me. the weathers been absolutely amazing here, sunny and warm, in fact too warm at times.
I pulled out all of my summer clothes, shorts, stringy tops, and had to end up wearing a pair of shorts and string top to bed last night, as well as sleeping with no covers on me it was that warm. dont forget that its quite unheard of here in ireland to get temps past 18 or 19 c or low 70’s f.
i had a relief PA yesterday, instead of my regular PA. I knew her, she has done relief for me before, so that was ok, she’s nice, and she got everything done that needed doing.
My regular PA went to see Justin bieber with her daughter on Wednesday night, so she took Yesterday and today off of work.
I didnt see dr. Barry this week. I should have saw her, but I did not want to spend a long time waiting in the hospital on wednesday morning, I felt kinda sick, so I canceled the apt until next week, I already got a phone call from her secretary with my apt for next wednesday, so that is good, I’ll also get my trevicta injection then.
I’ll be at my parents house for the weekend came here this afternoon, was going to spend it at home on my own but my mom said she’d prefer me to be with them, I think she knew I was kind of struggling a little, although I hadnt said anything to her about it.
The littles are so happy, they got a big package with 30 movies in it this week, they were so excited to get their own mail it was so sweet to watch them open it. We got them cheap on ebay.
My wasp issue seems to be sorted, they just disappeared, not sure how but so glad they did.
No other updates really, hope everyone has a great weekend.
so yesterday I went back to see karen my nutritionist. she weighed me and i hadnt lost anything. in fact i’d gained weight. i was so disappointed. however she said it looks to her as if i am gaining muscle, she couldnt figure out any other reason for why i might have gained, as the only bad things i’d eaten this week were an ice cream cone when we were at the beach, and a slice of cake which was my treat.
she told me not to worry, to keep doing what i’m doing, and it will pay off. so we set new goals, and i went home, determined that i was going to beat this and be down when I step on the scales next week.
Yesterday I ate really healthily, a chicken rap for dinner, I exercised, and today was the same, I exercised, went on the treadmill, and ate a healthy dinner of an omlett.
I’m also drinking plenty of water. And I’m not constipated, which is good. Maybe it will pay off next week, I certainly hope it will.
today I achieved my goal, I did 15 mins on the treadmill.
I am proud of myself, because I could have easily said no, I’m too tired, too hot, any number of excuses, but I didnt.
I had to come straight offit and go into the shower, to cool myself down.
I plan on doing 10 mins tomorrow morning, then 10 at lunch time, and 10in the evening.
All going well that is.
But I’m happy with todays achievement.
well we celebrated moms birthday and had a blast. there was myself, my mom, dad, sister and my sisters 2 kids. despite my dads whining and being a groan, we enjoyed ourselves. he’s all about routine, and he wanted to leave the garden centre after an hour, after we’d eaten our meal. but we wanted to stay and look around at the flowers and other items they sell. me and my sister also wanted to get dessert and get our mom a glass of wine to celebrate her birthday. we did end up staying which my dad wasnt to thrilled about. the garden centre has so many amazing flowers and plants, but a lot of them are very expensive. my sister bought some flowers, she said she wants to try her hand at gardening. i would have bought some but my fear of bees and insects keeps me from having flowers in my back yard. i did see apple trees though and I really want one. My friend rose said they draw wasps too though and my sister said they draw worms. I would also love a swing for my back yard. then I could sit out and read or listen to music while nitro played in the garden. i’d also love a water feature but they are so expensive. then you have to get a plumber to plumb it all in and stuff. it sounds like too much hard work but maybe i can dream? the food was lovely. for my meal i had a sweet chili and chicken rap with fries, and for dessert I had red velvet gateau. it was delicious. they make all of their cakes fresh every day so its extra nice. my mom won five euro on one of the lottery tickets I gave her. she didnt get anything on the other two. when we drove back to ur parents and dropped them off, mom said to me and laura that she’d had a fantastic day, then she kissed both of us which was a big surprise but a nice surprise. i think she felt special and was happy to have her family around her today. the weather here is still really hot. the temps are supposed to get higher tomorrow. we had a little thunder shower earlier but I think thats because of the heat. I’m feeling good tonight. I feel settled, calm and happy which feels so nice. Its been a wonderful day.
its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.