I was meant to see Dr. Barry next week. On Wednesday afternoon.
However, I totally forgot that I have a family confirmation on that day. I have to go to it, I cant not go.
So I rang Dr. Barrys clinic this morning, and I spoke to her secretary. I was honest with her and I told her why I couldnt make my appointment, and I asked her if I could come the following week on the 11th.
She changed it for me there and then. So now I go see Dr. Barry on the 11th of March.
I was thinking she’d say she had to talk to Dr. Barry first and she’d have to call me back about it. But she didnt, so I am happy about that.
I think it payed to be honest about why I couldnt go.
I’m just happy I will see her on the 11th. I hate having to miss an apt with her but sometimes its just unavoidable.
Anxiety just sucks. Anxiety when your feeling tired really fucking sucks.
I got home today and I was exhausted. I tried to rest for a while. No joy. I was too wound up. My brain wouldnt shut off. I just lay there with my mind racing. I lay in bed for about an hour. Eventually I just got up again because I figured there is no point in just lying there thinking.
I called my mom and we chatted for a while. Then I decided to watch some tv. I sat on the couch with a mug of tea, my brain spinning, anxious feelings welling up and threatening to overwhelm me completely.
My therapy session today was hard, and I was still processing it. Usually after therapy I sleep a lot. Not tonight though. But while I sat watching tv I dozed off for about half an hour. I woke up with a jolt, half way through my show I’d been watching. That was it. I sat bolt upright. I was feeling really edgy. Agitated. And just really really felt very off.
I made some more tea. And now its gone 10 Pm but I am wide awake. That is despite only getting about 2 hours of sleep last night. And that half hour earlier this evening. I just cannot seem to shut off my brain. Its gone completely out of control.
Fear grips me
Catches me off guard
Like a vulture
It claws its way
Into my being
Makes me shake, uncontrollably
Mug of tea in hand
Unable to shake
Of doom, dread, being afraid
Of everything around me
I am participating in fandango’s flashback friday, where the objective here is to repost a post you wrote on this exact date over the past few years!
I am reposting a post from the 21st of February 2017!
This was one of our therapy sessions! It was incredible to just look back on this now!
Click below to read it!
So I saw Dr. Barry yesterday. We had a really great appointment. I hadnt talked to her in six weeks! I didnt realise it had been that long since I was out during our appointments! I mean not out in the body, but out in the appointment with dr. barry!
We talked about how dissociative we’ve been lately. How we’ve been really switchy and very off. Very very dissociative during the day and at night, and its actually getting to a point where it feels unmanageable and unsafe to me.
Dr. Barry was wondering what has us so off? She wondered if it was the recent contact from our abuser, I said I wasnt sure if that was why we were so dissociative, but I told her how We’ve been unable to stay grounded and in the present lately, and we’ve been working in therapy with Eileen on keeping the adult alters in the present.
That hasnt been going well for us. The adults in our system arent really able to stay focused enough to be out for long periods and stay out in the body when we’re at home. Its tough because most of the time I dont know what we’ve been doing and most of the day when I am unable to be out I dont know what has been going on when I am not out!
So Dr. barry said she wanted to try upping our clonadine, to deal with our anxiety, because she said if we get our anxiety levels down, the dissociative stuff may lessen. But she didnt up it this week. She wants to do some more reading up on the med and its uses, especially its uses in treating ptsd. She also wanted to look through our chart and see what other meds she’d thought of trying because she said we do have options and we should look into all of them before adjusting the medication.
So thats what we’re going to try, and in the meantime she told me to keep taking the fenergan for sleep because I told her we arent sleeping too good still. She said keep using all of our coping techniques that Eileen has taught us, and she encouraged us to use our blog to get support. She knows how much our blog means to us and how supportive all of our readers are and how helpful we find that in our healing.
Omg guys! I am so irritated!
I get this payment once a month. It is called blind welfare allowance, and it is payed to all blind people in ireland, the cheque goes into my bank account once a month.
So last week I got a review form to fill out. It gets reviewed once a year, to make sure none of your circumstances have changed. Which is fine, I understand that they need to do this.
But earlier in the week I got a phone call from a welfare officer, she said she needed to call out to my house and meet me. She said she’d ring in advance, but she didnt, she just arrived at my door this morning!
Good thing I was up and dressed lol!
Anyway, she arrived, asked me if I get a welfare payment each week, when I said yes, she asked me which one do I get, and how long I’ve been getting it!
Then she goes, ok, so I’ve met you, thats all I need, I’ll let the office know I’ve met you! And with that, she was gone!
I think she just wanted to make sure I was still blind! Lol! Imagine it! I am hardly going to get my sight back overnight now am I? I was just like, whatever!
It really irked me if I am totally honest!
The fact I am recieving blind welfare allowance, means I am blind for goodness sake!
Ah well, we’re all good now for another year at least!
Do you think you are addicted to anything?
I dont mean like that you are so addicted that you need to get help, but like, for instance, I feel that I am addicted to caffeine, coke zero, the internet, lol!
How about you?