I’ve been having a mental health day today. I am at my parents house, and I did absolutely nothing today.
I got up late, 9 AM which is late for me. I slept really well last night, I always do though when I am at my parents. Well mostly I do.
I just relaxed, read a book, watched some tv, and chatted with my mom.
I ate leftovers for dinner, I had cooked a shepherds pie yesterday, a slimming world friendly one. I had leftovers of that today, and I have some which I’ll have during the week also.
I’m enjoying a coffee now, and catching up on blogs. Yay for a happy day. I love those.
Anxiety! Fuck! I’m so so anxious!
I’m shaking like a leaf! I have palpitations, and my heart is pounding!
this is no fun, no fun at all!
I am seriously fed up with the massive amounts of anxiety that hits me at night. But what to do! I do everything I can to distract from it!
I wish I knew how to fix it!
I feel so out of it right now! Not sleeping at all either! Its gone midnight here now!
I just hope the anxiety monster lets up soon!
So my public health nurse called me back. She wans to come out and meet me. She said she’d like to assess my needs.
I already have a file with them, as I’ve seen public health nurses in the past for various things. She provisionally booked me in for next wednesday, but she said she’d be in touch next week to arrange it and firm up dates.
I am so nervous. I will have to tell her my history, about my mental health, how I struggle so much with that. Its not just my blindness causing me problems. The mental illnesses are a far more complex part of my history and actually I would say they are more what I struggle with.
Although I will of course put down blindness also, as thats my primary disability. In order to get more PA hours, I have to say what I am going to use them for. She told me to think about what I need, why I need the hours, she gave me a few suggestions, like we can use them to batch cook, or for my PA to iron clothes, do laundry etc.
All of this relates to my blindness, but in regards to my did and ptsd and anxiety, we can also use hours for socialising, going places, getting out and about. The PA doesnt have to know all of my history, and probably wont be trained in anything to do with mental health anyway.
So between now and next week, I will think on somc ideas for what I will use my hours on, and I will write down some notes. Then I can use my laptop and read out to the nurse what I’ve written down.
I’m not sure how long its going to take to get extra hours, the place providing them are very slow, there’s lots of red tape, paperwork to go through when applying, and then it has to go before a bord. They’ve refused me in the past, saying I was too independent. I hope they dont do that again. Who says how independent a person is anyway, they dont know me at all.
I am hopeful, and hoping for the best outcome once I apply.
Last night, I took 25 mg of fenergan, 2 mg of clonadine, and my regular night meds, before bed.
I wanted to watch operation transformation, which was on at 9:35. I started to watch it, but 10 mins in I fell into a deep sleep.
The meds made me so so sleepy!
I woke when it was over! And I went straight to bed then.
I slept all night! I woke up at 2:30 but I wasnt able to stay awake, so I went back to sleep again.
I woke again at 6:30, feeling so out of it!
I dont think I’m going to take the fenergan again, unless its absolutely necessary. I hate how it makes me feel.
Now, I’ve had a couple cups of coffee, so that grogginess has passed.
I really need to quit napping by day. I dont get a lot of sleep, so I’ve been sleeping when I can. I know this is bad though. I know I should only nap for an hour or two max, if I do nap. I should set an alarm or something to wake me up and then just get up and stay awake until a decent hour. I napped earlier this afternoon, and now its 2 AM and I am wide awake. I woke up at about 1 AM. I did go to bed early, at around 9:30. But I couldnt settle, even though I was super tired. Has anyone got any tips, on what you do? Do you have a decent sleep schedule? Or do you sleep at funny hours? I cant be the only one who does can I? I doubt I’m going to go back to sleep now. I will probably stay up and read. Its a vicious circle though as I am busy this morning with slimming world, then I work on friendly call in the afternoon, so by 5 PM I’ll be done in. All I will want to do then is rest. I’ll try to stay up until 10 pm or so though I think. I have to get my sleep schedule back on track. I just have to. I know it isnt good to be asleep during the day and awake at night. And they also say weight gain is atributed to getting little sleep. If I want to lose weight I need to look after my body. I’m just so tired of fighting this sleep thing. Its just getting me down a lot. Sometimes I’ll sleep for 12 hours, its rare, but it does happen, especially when I am at my parents house. I love when I can do that. I feel so refreshed the next day when I get a good number of hours of sleep the previous night.
My mom is doing a little better, but she has a long way to go. The infection she has is really bad.
She’s still taking the course of steroids and lots of different inhalers, plus, the doctor also gave her special nebules for her nebuliser with ventolin plus something else in them.
She’s exhausted from her cough, she’s been coughing like crazy all weekend, and she said she feels totally drained from it.
This morning, she was vacuming the bedroom that I slept in, and I had Nitro in there with me, and he’s moulting like crazy so there was a ton of dog hair everywhere. She told me she really struggled to do it, and she wouldnt ask my dad to do it since she says he doesnt vacume the way she does.
I feel that over the last few months her COPD has gotten a lot worse. She’s just not able to do as much now as she used to be able to do.
She even told my sister a few days ago that she wouldnt be going camping with her in the summer, as she feels she isnt up to it any longer.
I know her COPD is incurable, and wont get any better, but the fact she’s slowly worsening over time worries me.
I guess all I can do is make life easier for her where I can. I told her that if it was too much that I can stay home on the weekends and just call to my parents house for a few hours on a Saturday and Sunday afternoon, and that I’m perfectly ok with that.
For now she said it was ok for me to keep staying there on the weekend if I wanted to. We’ll see, as I may not. I dont know yet. I’m just unsure of what I’ll do. I’ll think on it over the next few days.