Therapy Bits

My life is very complex. to the outsider, it appears that I am lazy and unmotivated. To the outsider, I should be doing a plethora of things on a daily basis. But I don’t. I can’t. And not for not wanting to. God do I want to. Some days I do accomplish a lot, and those days I am proud of myself. Sometimes those days happen a few days in a row. But most days not much happens on the outside. Most days it is all I can do to get myself ready for the day in the morning, do my dishes, and vacuum my house. I have a routine and that helps immensely. I think it helps me to feel functional.

I fight every day. On the inside. I am either trying to make myself feel better by pushing away the depression, or I am trying to stop my spinning head. Somedays I can’t get past the irritability. Somedays I can’t fight through the physical pain. It is just impossible for me to function. Like, totally impossible. I don’t know why it is this way. And I have really tried my best to move past these barriers. Exercise, hobbies, self-care. Let’s talk about self-care. There are sometimes when I feel absolutely guilty for my self-care practice. Afterall, what have I actually done to merit some self-care? Not much. Not much except the fighting tooth and nail to get through my day. But no one can see that.

Through all my day to day fighting that no one sees, I try my best to be a functioning person, and be there for my family. That is demanding. There was a time where I wasn’t functional at all. I was bedridden. Swallowed whole by depression. But things are in a better place now, so I try to focus on that.

With all of that, I try to be a good person, a good friend, a normal, functional person. I try to be as present as I possibly can be.

I am aware that people think this way about me, they assume things without knowing the full story, without knowing how hard I fight, how hard I try every day. And I can see where they are coming from. But what things look like and what things are, are two very different things.