Therapy Bits

THERAPY WAS HARD TODAY. I WAS SO ANGRY. I’VE BEEN ANGRY FOR A WHOLE WEEK NOW. ANGRY AT EVERYONE. BUT REALLY I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS. I’VE WANTED TO DO REALLY BAD THINGS TO THEM, EVEN GOING SO FAR AS WANTING TO KILL THEM, THINKING ABOUT HOW I’D DO IT, WHAT I WOULD DO ETC. SO TODAY IN THERAPY I DECIDED I NEEDED TO TALK WITH EILEEN ABOUT THIS. SO WE DID. SHE ASKED ME WHAT MY ANGER FELT LIKE. I SPENT SOME TIME DESCRIBING IN DETAIL TO HER HOW I FELT. WHAT THE ANGER FELT LIKE IN MY BODY. THEN SHE WANTED TO DO SOME EMDR. SHE HAD ME HOLD THE PULSERS, AND TRACK THE ANGER. THAT WAS SO HARD. I NEVER TRACKED ANGER IN MY BODY BEFORE. I DIDNT THINK I’D BE GOOD AT DOING IT. BUT I SURPRISED MYSELF. ONCE I GOT INTO IT I WAS ABLE TO DO IT QUITE SUCCESSFULLY. THE ANGER FELT LIKE A FIRE. I FELT HOT. THERE WAS AN INTENSE ENERGY RUNNING THROUGH MY BODY. IT STARTED IN MY FEET. I FELT LIKE KICKING OUT. SO EILEEN TOLD ME TO TRY AND SLOW EVERYTHING DOWN. AND TO LET MY FEET MOVE IF THAT WAS WHAT THEY NEEDED TO DO. SO I DID. THEN THE ANGER TRAVELED UP MY BODY INTO MY STOMACH, SAT LIKE A HUGE VOLCANO IN MY STOMACH. LIKE A MASSIVE BALL OF ENERGY. THEN IT WENT INTO MY ARMS. AND MY FACE. IT WAS PULSATING ALL THROUGH MY BODY. MY FACE FELT RED HOT. MY HEAD FELT LIKE IT WAS ABOUT TO EXPLODE. I FELT AS IF WORDS WOULD TUMBLE OUT OF MY MOUTH. ALL THE WHILE I WAS USING THE PULSERS. AND JUST TRACKING IT. EILEEN KEPT TELLING ME I WAS DOING GREAT. AFTER THE EMDR SESSION I FELT SURPRISINGLY CALM. SHE ASKED ME WHAT THE THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF WAS ONCE I’D FINISHED. I COULDNT THINK TO ANSWER HER. I SAID I WASNT SURE. I FOUND IT HARD TO PUT WORDS ON WHAT MY THOUGHTS WERE. SHE HELPED ME. SHE ASKED IF I FELT MORE ABLE TO BREATHE, AND I DID. I FELT ABLE TO BREATHE EASIER. LIKE THERE WAS MORE SPACE. LIKE I COULD NOW MANAGE THE ANGER. WHERE AS LAST WEEK IT THREATENED TO OVERWHELM ME, ENGULF ME COMPLETELY. SHE ASKED ME ON A SCALE OF 1-7, HOW WELL DID I THINK I COULD MANAGE IT. IF 7 WAS I COULD MANAGE IT COMPLETELY AND 1 WAS AN INABILITY TO MANAGE IT. IT FELT LIKE A 7, I FELT LIKE IT WAS VERY MANAGABLE AFTER DOING THE EMDR. IT WAS MY FIRST EMDR SESSION, OTHER INSIDERS HAVE DONE EMDR BUT NOT ME. SO YEAH. IT WAS GOOD. I’M GLAD I DID IT. IT FELT LIKE A HUGE WEIGHT WAS LIFTED FROM ME DURING THE SESSION.
LIZ