When the storm hits, all you can do is ride it out

all i can do is ride the wave. and that, my friends is what ive been doing for the last two hours.
ive been reading, and texting, and binging on netflicks shows, and downloading media, anything and everything to keep busy…
because when im busy im not anxious, im not emotional, im not crazy…
im not a mess of insanity…
its going on for 6 AM. after countless cups of tea and coffee, and no sleep, its time to face another day.
question for you all my loyal and faithful readers…
if you had some words of wisdom for me right now. something that you’d tell me to do to ride out this wave and get through the storm, what would they be?



fuck fuck fuck

my thoughts are racing. oh fuck. its baaad

i cant cope this these thoughts. just feel overwhelmed and sad.

oh gawd, why is it always at night?

why? i just want to sleep. but every time I try

The tears fall

Pain, raw pain

It threatens to overtake me

Think I should go sit with nitro, feel his soft fur against my cheek

now thats the best idea I’ve had all night

carol anne

i wish

It be darina
and want to kno somfin
I wish I had reeces penut buter cups
I love them
and I don got any
no fair!
actuly I gots no candees here
everbudy shud kno littles need candees
who liks penut buter cups
jus in case yu woner why I rit lik this
I am a insidr
in this body and I am six
six yars old
and dats jus how I rit
ok guys?
I like food all food
and sweets and cookies
and cake and stuf hahahaha
I wanna kno whose gona share ther candees wif me
it crismas
and I need some candys
darina ballerina hoose six

Random wednesday thoughts

so what can i say about today? well, mine started off bad. i woke with the worst headache ever, i think it was from dehydration, i drank tons and tons of water, that seemed to fix things and make it go away, along with taking a nice long walk around the park for a few laps. i really just felt like going back to bed, but i pushed on through, and i’m glad i did. i managed to work on my career preparation module, i put a resume together, it took me a long time, trying to remember all the dates and years of when i studied, not an easy task. did not realise i’d studied so much until i actually sat down to write the resume. i tried to do a little college work, i’m kinda stressing out, because i have a 2000 word book review due foe next week. the book i am reading is beautiful boy, by david shep, about his sons addiction to meth amphetamine. i have not started reading the book yet. i’ll start tomorrow. hoping to get it read by friday and do the review over the weekend. thats the plan anyways. ate some of the shepherds pie i cooked yesterday for lunch, one of the other girls in my class had some as well, i was trying to use up the left overs so i offered it to my class mates. after lunch me and nitro did the route to the bus stop. he did well today the only thing was he saw another dog and so got a little bit distracted. but he found the bus stop and got his treat, we got back just efore the rain started pouring, which was good. the rest of the afternoon session we just did our own thing, worked on more college stuff,. oh did i tell ou i passed my first module? well i did. digital media. i had my exam yesterday and i passed it and my portfolio. i was thrilled. after class today i went upstairs, called jess “for those who are new to my blog jess is my partner whose in IL, she’s currently in a psych residential facility. we talked and that was fun, she was doing well and had gotten the xmas package i sent her. then i talked to mom, she was going to my niece’s xmas play at her school tonight, i was kinda bummed that i had to miss it. i usually go to it every year. my cousin facebooked me to tell me that she got the xmas presents i sent, and to also tell me mine are on the way, yay presents, cuz who doesnt like presents. i’m also expecting a box from a good friend in the states, cant wait to get that either. tomorrow we’ll be having our xmas party here at abode, thats the name of the centre where my independent living programme is run. anyway there is a big slap up xmas meal, should be nice. then this coming weekend i need to finish up my xmas shopping, all i need to buy is my moms present and a few more bits for my sister. we are also going to go to a xmas market, we go every year, its so much fun. there are food stalls and a real christmasy atmosphere. well thats about it for now guys, hope all of you are having a fantastic wednesday.
Tell me what you did today?
carol anne

I am so dehydrated today

i am a little worried today. i feel really dehydrated. i mean literally i am gasping, have been drinking a ton of water. cups and cups of it out of the water cooler. i had a headache this morning when i woke, i didnt know why. i told noelle and clodagh about it. they wanted me to talk to the nurse here but i didnt want to, because the nurses here make a huge deal out of everything, they’d have had probably wanted me to go to the doctor or something, when all i need to do is lie down for an hour. anyway, it turns out i didnt lie down at all, i just got some water and it went away on its own. i even did two laps around the park and i felt much better after a bit of fresh air. im not used to being dehydrated though. i am diabetic and i thought my sugars might be high because sometimes when they get high you can become dehydrated. i have no way of testing them though as i left my kit at home. i guess all i can do is keep drinking as i need to.
carol anne

Something my therapist said…

so today eileen was telling me how when she was doing her masters she did some research into the medical model versus the recovery model.

she said one phrase that really stuck with her when looking at the recovery model was

“nothing about me, without me”

I must say I loved this. It says it so well. All therapy whether with a psychiatrist, therapist etc should be a 50 50 partnership between therapist and client.

Mine is. And I am so thankful for that fact.
carol anne

xmas cards and my mom came through for me

i feel great because I acomplished a lot today. i got all of my xmas cards written. now i have to just send them off which i am going to do tomorrow. i have about 20 cards going to the USA. that will cost me a small fortune but I dont care, I love writing the cards and knowing I am going to make my friends happy. i also have cards going to the netherlands, poland, and the UK. i hope my friends will like the cards i chose. i put a lot of thought into choosing them. a cool thing happened when i was writing the cards. mom was helping me. and i needed her to write a few of the cards because a few people i am sending them to are sighted. so i said mom, i need you to write cards, and I need you to sign them Carol anne. And she didnt protest. She said ok and she did it! I was stunned! I told her that Carol anne is an alter. She never said a word never acted like I was crazy or it was bad or wrong. Is this my mom? I could not believe it. so yeah am feeling thankful that my mom just did what i asked without making a fuss about it. thanks, mom. she’s really starting to come through for me lately.
carol anne