Elemental writing challenge, april 18th

Tears
Cascading down my face
A torrent of emotions surfacing
All at once
I weep uncontrollably
Thinking of all that I have lost
Innocence stolen
A childhood lost
To abuse and neglect
From people entrusted to care
Care they did not
Hurt, trauma and abuse
Was what they put me through
For many, many years
My tears flow
Like a river
I wonder if the waters will ever subside

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2019/04/18/elemental-writing-challenge-april-18/

Fowc with fandango, prone

I AM PRONE
TO ANGER OUTBURSTS
TO RAGES SO WILD
THEY MAKE OTHERS AFRAID
I AM PRONE
TO HAVING AN ATTITUDE
AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT, TOUGH!
I AM PRONE
TO BEING THE ALTER EVERYONE LOVES TO HATE
THE ONE MOST PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF
THE ONE WHO WOULD TURN ON YOU IN A HEARTBEAT
BUT I AM ALSO PRONE
TO PROTECT MY PEOPLE FIERCELY
TO FIGHT FOR US UNTIL THE BITTER END
TO HAVE THE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS
I AM PRONE TO BEING HONEST
STRAIGHT TALKING
A SAY IT LIKE IT IS SORTA PERSON
I AM ME
PRONE TO SO MANY WAYS OF BEING
GET TO KNOW ME
IT’LL BE A WILD RIDE

WRITTEN BY LIZ, AN ALTER IN OUR SYSTEM

 

FOWC with Fandango β€” Prone

dr. barry tells me…I’m so proud of you!

Dr. barry and me had a great apt yesterday. It was so lovely to see her. I was so looking forward to our apt after a 3 week break.

During our apt we were talking and she said to me…

Your out of the hospital two years this week. Were you aware of that?

Me? Two years, wow! It has flown!

Dr. barry: I’m so, so proud of you. Your doing great. Your managing so much at the moment, and your coping, you arent in crisis. Well done!

Just hearing her say those words, I’m so proud of you, really helped me so much. I am managing a lot. Easter is hard. Our birthday week is hard. I’ve been dealing with a lot of ptsd symptoms lately. But I am managing, I’m getting through each day. I’m finding that I am able to cope more nowadays.

A few years ago I’d never have been able to do that. I’d have drowned in all the turmoil of the emotional upheaval that is my life sometimes.. I’d have gone into a crisis. I’d have ended up in the psych ward.

Thats real progress that I’m not in there. And to hear dr. barry say that meant the world to me.

I want nothing more than to make her proud. She’s done so much for me. She’s been through so much with us. For six years she’s stood by our side, she has helped us through a whole lot of stuff and we are so so grateful for her support.

When we came out of her office and went to the desk to make the next apt, she asked the secretary to fit me in in two weeks time, the secretary said, I cant, your not here that week, is 3 weeks ok?

Dr. barry hesitated, knowing that I usually see her every two weeks, and knowing also that its hard for me to go longer than that, I panic, I usually cant cope, I get all worried and insecure. But I said, thats ok, 3 weeks is ok.

She said to me, are you sure? I said I was. As we walked together to the front entrance, she said to me, you know, I’m so, so proud of you, you know that? The fact that you even agreed to wait 3 weeks to see me, I know thats a huge deal for you.

I was touched that she realised how important it is to me and how I didnt agree to it lightly. I think we’ll be ok though, although eileen is on holidays too next week, so we have little support next week, but we are able to email eileen if we need to do that.

I’m happy we had such a great appointment, and it feels so nice to be told how proud she is of me. It makes me glow. My heart swells with pride.

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Well Guys, it’s that time again, time to be weighed in

Another week gone by, time goes so fast. It’s time for me to go and get weighed in. Hoping hoping hoping to be down this week. We shall see. I guess only time will tell whether I’ve done enough this week or not. I hope I have. I’m really hopeful that I’ve done all the right things this week. So please guys wish me the best of luck. Here’s hoping for a good result tonight. I’ll be so happy if I’m down even 1 pound I’ll take a pound. But if I’m down more I’ll be happy to. Hope for the best anyway.

Kelly and therapy yesterday

Hi guys
My name is Kelli. I am 16 years old.
I dont come out to often. But I wanted to come out and write about the time I spent in therapy yesterday with eileen. I had a really good session. It was really useful to be able to talk things out with Eileen. She is a really good therapist, and she was so nice to me.
I am a dark, in Liz’s system. I have a lot of trouble with contacting abusers, I dont initiate it, but when they email us I have responded to them before. I know now that this wasnt a good idea. I should be staying away from them. I do know this now. And I am trying hard.
I want to do right by our system. Liz doesnt allow us to contact the abusers. When she found out I did it, I got in a lot of trouble.
So she said I had to go to therapy and talk. So thats what I did.
Me and Eileen talked about my feelings surrounding the abusers, I have a lot of feelings that are very confusing. In a way contacting them makes me feel valued. Even though deep down I know they are using me. I know they dont care, I talked to eileen about the response I got from one of them when I told him I wouldnt be meeting him over easter, he got mad at me and threatened to hurt the kids in my system.
Thats a huge worry for me, as they’ve been though enough trauma and hurt in the past from abuse and I dont want that to happen to them again.
Eileen asked me if I’d be disappointed if they didnt contact me. I had to think on that for a while. I guess honestly? Yes, but only because its part of who I am, I’ve always been abused, and I dont know any other way to be. I dont have another job, or role in our system, but I am going to try out some stuff, starting this weekend, I am going to come out when we’re away with our mom, and go shopping, and eat out etc. Just to see what thats like. Normally I am only out for reasons that are bad or when someone needs to respond to an email from an abuser.
It will be good to be out for something else, some other reason.
I am glad I talked in therapy. I was able to see a lot. Wendy offered to support me which was also nice. She’s been through this in the past, and Eileen asked her specifically if she’d be willing to support me through it.
I am so glad I have people inside who get it, and I have eileen, dr. barry and all of you our friends too. Thanks for being there for us.
love you all,
Kelli age 16

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therapy today was draining, and other random stuff

busy day today here with therapy this morning and then work this afternoon. I am so wrecked now. absolutely shattered and just feeling so drained. feel like i’ve been hit by a frait train. i am trying to unwind, watching tv and maybe going to read in a little while.
therapy was hard. darks got time to talk about contact from abusers and their feelings around that. they also talked about last week and eileen managed to get it out of one of them why we didnt come in. I will try to write about it at some point, or have Kelli the teen who actually talked to eileen write about it.
I just really feel like having an early night tonight. I am shattered.
I dont know if I can though. Not sure how our sleep will be. We didnt do well last night as we had a storm here, wind and lots of rain and it was lashing off the windows and keeping us up.
Going to try for an early night though, if I can I will have one. I am working again tomorrow afternoon. Also, got on to tech support for my broadband as it keeps dropping the connection, and they made an apt to come out to me on thursday morning, to look at it and see what the problem might be.
At least my morning is free tomorrow, I can relax for the morning before working in the afternoon, work was good today, despite the weather being bad, the atmosphere in the office was awesome.

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