Dance monkey!

it me darina
I got a song fir ya all ta lisen to!
I love this one!
it so fun!
I dancing to it now!
it stil bes early in morning here
I finkin it 9 AM but I not sure!
anyways, we got all ar college work done yay!
so that means playin and dancing and havin a fun day yay!
I so so hapy!
no silly college work ta do!
yayayaya!
heres tha song, its called dance monkey!

frum darina ballerina, im six yars old!

LIZ ON THERAPY: THE DARKS ARE NOW WORKING WITH EILEEN!

HI! ITS ME LIZ! SO TODAY IN THERAPY SOME OF THE DARKS IN MY SYSTEM TALKED. THE ADULT DARKS. THEY TALKED AND A LOT OF THINGS GOT WORKED ON. WE DISCUSSED WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO OPEN UP, DISCUSS ANYTHING, WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THERAPY. IT CAME TO LIGHT THAT THEY WERE PROGRAMMED DURING THE ABUSE NOT TO REVEAL ANYTHING, NEVER TO TELL OR DIVULGE ANY INFO. IF THEY DID THERE WOULD BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, THE PROGRAMMING INVOLVED PHYSICAL PAIN TRAINING, SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH DRILLED IN TO THEM NOT TO TALK. EILEEN WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. SHE TOTALLY GOT IT. SKYLER AND RAYNE BOTH SPOKE TO HER. BOTH OF THEM ARE ADULTS. SKYLER SAID SHE HAD NO TIME FOR THE KIDS, AND THEIR NEEDS, AND THAT IS HOW THEY GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA AND PAIN TRAINING, BECAUSE SHE WAS EXPLAINING TO EILEEN ABOUT THE KIDS IN THE DARKS BEING HOLDERS OF TRAUMA, AND SHE WAS SAYING HOW SHE FEARED IF THEY STARTED REVEALING THEIR TRAUMAS, THAT THE FEELINGS WOULD OVERWHELM THE ADULTS. EILEEN REASSURRED THEM THAT SHE WASNT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. RAYNE CAME OUT AFTER A WHILE AND SHE WAS CALMER. SHE TOLD EILEEN THAT SHE FEELS SAFE NOW, AND TRUSTS EILEEN AND IS WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND BEGIN WORKING ON MEMORIES AND ON THE TRAUMA. EILEEN ASKED THEM TO MAKE A CONTRACT WITH HER, AND IT SAYS THAT IF THEY GET OVERWHELMED, OR FEELINGS COME UP THAT ARE HARD TO HANDLE, THAT THEY’LL CONTACT EILEEN, AND NOT SELF HARM OR DO DAMAGE INTERNALLY. THEY DID AGREE TO THIS. EILEEN SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE AND THEY CAN REACH HER ANY TIME, THROUGH TEXT, EMAIL OR BY PHONE. THAT WAS SO KIND OF HER. WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT SHE’S DOING THAT FOR US. RAYNE TOLD HER THAT SHE DIDNT FEEL WE’D SELF HARM NOW, EVEN IF WE FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES. THAT WE’VE NOT DONE IT IN A LONG TIME, AND WE DIDNT THINK WE’D START THAT HABIT UP AGAIN NOW. ITS GOOD THAT SHE’S AVAILABLE TO US IF WE NEED HER, THAT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE. SHE SAID WE NEED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE NEED TO DO THIS WORK SLOWLY. THE ADULTS NEED TO ALL BE ON BORD, IN ORDER TO WORK WITH THE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO ALSO SUPPORT THE KIDS. THATS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT I THINK WE CAN MANAGE IT. I’M HOPEFUL THAT WE CAN. EILEEN SAID THE DARK KIDS CAN EMAIL HER, BUT FOR THEM NOT TO DETAIL MEMORIES IN THE EMAIL, SINCE IT MAY OVERWHELM US, SHE SAID THOUGH IF THEY FEEL SAD, MAD, ETC THAT THEY CAN WRITE TO HER AND TELL HER HOW THEY FEEL. BUT THAT WE’LL DISCUSS THE TRAUMAS DURING OUR SESSIONS. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I’M GLAD WE’LL BE DOING THAT. IT FEELS LIKE A LOT OF PROGRESS WAS MADE TODAY. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW OUR SESSION WENT. IT CERTAINLY WASNT WHAT I EXPECTED. I WAS OUT AT THE START, AND I HAD TEXTED HER BEFORE GOING IN, TO SAY I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND THAT I HOPED SHE’D BE ABLE TO HELP ME. SHE’D TEXTED ME BACK SAYING WE’D WORK IT OUT AND FOR ME NOT TO WORRY. AND TRUE TO HER WORD, SHE DID WORK IT OUT AND I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HER. HER GENTLENESS AND KINDNESS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO SAFE, SO VALIDATED, SO LOVED. WHEN WE SAID WE FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO DO THE WORK NOW, AFTER 7 YEARS OF SEEING HER AND HER NOT LEAVING OR GOING ANYWHERE, SHE SAID, THATS A VERY BIG STATEMENT, AND ITS TRUE, IT WAS. BUT WE DO, WE FEEL THAT NOW ITS TIME, ITS TIME TO RELEASE SOME OF THE TRAUMAS, AND MEMORIES AND BEGIN TO HEAL AND BEGIN TO PROCESS THEM. EILEEN IS WITH US, SHE’S GOING TO BE THERE AND SHE WONT LET US FALL, SHE’LL HOLD US AND CATCH UP AND BE THERE FOR US THROUGH IT ALL. AND I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE HER. IT FEELS LIKE WE CAN DO THIS WITH HER BY OUR SIDE. WITH HER BY MY SIDE, I CAN CONQUER ANYTHING!

Back to therapy tomorrow!

We’re going back to therapy tomorrow! Yay!
I am so relieved!
I am relieved Eileen recovered quickly from her tummy bug!
Some of the insiders are not looking forward to therapy. I am, some of the kids are. Allie, Taylor, Lexi, all are.
Liz, not so much. I think because she has stuff going on for her. Stuff she needs to talk about.
We’re hoping that we wont lose our shit in the morning and end up going there in a bad state! Sometimes that happens for us!
I should probably text eileen in the morning before we leave. Let her know how we’re doing. Just so she knows what to expect.
Actually that is a good idea, I think I’ll do that.
Liz’s system, some of them are really panicking. They dont like talking about stuff. It feels like they shouldnt, they feel like its wrong to talk, even to eileen about their feelings, about whats coming up for them.
I’m sure once we get there they’ll calm down. Eileen has a great way of calming them down. She is really good at doing that.
Of course we arent able to relax tonight. Or sleep. Lucky for us we slept a little bit earlier. So we are wide awake now. Wide awake and mostly fretting and being emotional. Well Liz’s system are, and the feelings are filtering down to me.
I just am hoping that the session will be a good one tomorrow! Fingers crossed for us!

World mental health day: What is it like living with did?

Today is world mental health day! So I thought I’d do a short post about living with did, and what that is like.

Living with did is a real adventure! Sometimes its hard, but sometimes its fun! I know that sounds crazy. But let me explain a little.

I share my body with many alters. We all have different thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions. Life can get a little crazy with everyone vying for different things! Its hard for us to agree on most days!

With help from our therapist Eileen we’re learning to cooperate better with one another! Its slow going but we’re getting there!

Did isnt always fun. The related symptoms like nightmares, flashbacks, high anxiety, and triggers can be so debilitating. And again, different insiders feel the symptoms in different ways. So while I can cope with a lot, the younger ones cant, and get triggered very easily.

Its definitely a roller coaster living with did, there is no doubt about that!

What has helped the most is the love and kindness of family, friends, and our therapist and psychiatrist! Our therapist and psychiatrist are the most important allies we’ve got right now! We’re so grateful for their love and ongoing support and for helping us through!

Its thanks to them that we’ve come so far in our recovery and now live a relatively stable life!

Did is a hard and complex diagnosis to live with, but you can have a good quality of life when you have did, you do not have to be afraid! Life can be good! Did is not scary! We’re just normal people! We’re not monsters! No need to be afraid of us!

Like a t shirt that I own says, being multiple means there is more of me to love!

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Connecting with Eileen

hi. its allie. im 9 for those who dont know me. i been texting with our therapist eileen. i missed her a lot this weekend. i havent been talkin to her for a while. i thought shed forget me. i was scared she would. cuz well ya know shes been workin with other insiders a lot.

but she said she dont be forgetting me. so i am pleased. we texted for a little while. and she said we could talk tomorrow. yay. that makes me so happy. i love when i getta talk to her.

its rilly helpful. it calms me. i feel safe when i’m with her in her office.

i sended her a lotta emogies. she likes when i do that. she sended me some back too.

its ben so good ta connect with her!
love
allie age 9

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I’m so excited! I’ve gave myself an early birthday gift!!

I’ve some amazing news to share! I am so excited!
Next May I am going to america! To denver in collorado! I am going to visit my friend Sarah! I’ve known sarah since 2012, we became friends when we both joined a list for blind people with mental illness. Our friendship blossomed and from there we became best friends!
She has did and ptsd, and she is blind like i am!
I’m going to go visit her and celebrate her birthday with her!
I’ll be staying at least 2 weeks, but it could be longer we arent sure yet as we still have to firm up dates.
But later this week I am going in to book my flights!
I am on air! I’ve always wanted to meet her and now, finally its happening!
We’re going to have so so much fun together!
Our insiders will have a blast! I know Liz is looking forward to meeting her good friend Brandy in sarahs system. They will probably go mental and have lots of alcohol!
Also the kids are excited to meet their friends in sarahs system too!
Its going to be an epic trip!
I’d been thinking about it for a while, and last night I finally got to ask Sarah how she felt about me coming, since we face timed last night.
She was all for me coming! And her mom offered to pick me up at the airport and drop me there to go home again! And we’ll even go stay with her mom in the mountains for a few days too!
I told her I’ll go to the mountains as long as bears dont eat me! Lol!
Since I am 40 next year, my birthdays in april, and sarahs is in may, the trip will be in between both of our birthdays, and I thought this would be a nice birthday present to give myself when I turn the big 40!
So whose excited for me?
I think I’m going to burst with excitement!

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LOVE FEELS LIKE…

ITS LIZ HERE. I JUST SAW ON PILGRIMS BLOG A GREAT POST ON LOVE, AND ONE OF THE SENTENCES SAID, LOVE FEELS LIKE, AND THAT GOT ME THINKING.
SO I WANT TO WRITE MY OWN LIST, OF WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE TO ME.
THIS IS ALL DOWN TO MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH DR. BARRY, MY THERAPIST EILEEN AND ALSO ALL DOWN TO MY FANTASTIC FRIENDS, WHO’VE SHOWN ME, ITS POSSIBLE TO LOVE.
SO HERE I GO…

LOVE FEELS LIKE…

A MUG OF HOT CHOCOLATE
A KIND GESTURE
CARING
IS HOPEFUL
WARM
SOFT
A PUPPYS KISSES
A GENTLE BREEZE
UNCONDITIONAL
FREEDOM
HAPPINESS
A WARM SUMMERS DAY
COMFORT
FRIENDSHIP
GENTLE
LAUGHTER

I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE MY LIST OF WHAT LOVE MEANS TO ME!

LIZ

http://pilgrimage.studio/2019/09/28/love-moon/

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