hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
emily age 12
Darina one of our child alters, is six years old.
She can be extremely funny.
This morning she said to me, wide eyed, and oh so serious:
You know how in therapy eileen always talks to people about whats wrong?
Yes, I said.
Well what about the insiders who arent sad? What about us?
Do happy ones get to talk to?
Of course, I said, with a smile.
Everyone is welcome to talk, remember eileen said that.
Oh yeah, she said, but I just thought the happy kids were forgotten about cuz we dont gots problems.
Lol. She’s so cute.
FOWC with Fandango — Classic
Ok so I was thinking. A dangerous thing to do hehehe.
I thought I might do a series on the blog. and call it meet the alters.
Where we’d introduce some of our insiders, and give each of them a post of their own.
Are people interested in meeting some of the alters?
I know our insiders are really excited to do this.
What do people think? Is it something you’d like us to do?
its me em. for those who might not know, i am an insider, i am 12.
i’ve been feeling real bad lately. i am very depressed.
i talked to eileen yesterday, and she helped me.
we talked about how much i hate my body. i hate how I look. I hate everything about me.
eileen said I am beautiful, precious, lovable, kind, caring, and she said she’ll keep telling me those things until i believe her.
that might be a while. but i am trying to believe her.
i want to believe her because i trust her, and she makes me feel loved and safe.
i’ve been throwing up a lot lately, becaue my body feels disgusting and awful and i feel fat and unlovable.
i know i shouldnt throw up but i cant help it.
eileen said we’ll keep talking about stuff and processing it.
she is going to hold some of my memories in a huge container and keep them in her office far away from me.
i just feel so sad lately. my heart is broken.
i have been suicidal too. thoughts about ending it are constantly in my head.
jade encouraged me to write here, she said everyone who reads our blog is very supportive and that you’d all be nice to me.
im just scared about the thoughts in my head.
im scared of myself. and of what I might do.
love, em age 12
hot tears fall
as I remember
A time so long ago
When innocence was taken
And when life
As I knew it
In one instant
it bes so skary i so skard
i wroted eileen
i teled her i am skard
i holdin my buny rabit
her name is cupcake
i love her shes so soft
i liks her long floppy ears
i am four
i wish ican get a hug frum eileen
i miss her and her ofice
i wants go there
i no like the night time
i no lik da dark
i am sad and skard
Lindas word for the stream of consciousness prompt last weekend was val. We had to find a word with val in it and write on it.
Im sassy, im 13 years old, one of the teens in our system.
I thought I’d write for this weeks stream of consciousness prompt, I have the perfect topic to write on as well, so here goes.
Our therapist is so validating. Today she said its so important for the teens to be heard. My ears pricked up when she said that to us. I was feeling so validated by her words.
She said that the teen parts are valuable, and have a valuable contribution to make in our system. I didnt realise we did. I mean, the adults dont really listen to us. They are too interested in what is going on for the kids, and for themselves, so we get forgotten.
It hurts. I feel sad and hurt when we are forgotten.
Eileen helped us to make a space inside just for the teens, its a big common area, we put couches in there, bean bags, a flat screen tv, a stereo, and a computer.
It looks so nice. I know when I feel stressed I can go there and things will be ok.
eileen encouraged us to write to her this week, and i did earlier this afternoon. I like her.
She told me today that she was once a teen too a very long time ago hahaha, and she knows that teens have attitude, she said that to me because emily said I had attitude.
I just love eileen. She’s so good to us and I really appreciated that she wanted to hear from me today, and even when we were almost finished our session, and I’d gone back inside, she kept asking, how is sassy doing?
It was so nice. It feels nice to be thought about, and to be loved. I am important too in our system, I need to remember that.
Love, Sass Xx