I miss Eileen tonight.
we shoulda been having our session today. but we didn’t cuz it was a bank holiday.
we’ll see her on Thursday. but it seems so far away.
I did email her though. I told her how much I loved her. and am missing her.
I took out her rose scent and sniffed it over and over. I don’t care if people think I’m weird. Eileen gave me the empty bottle and I always smell it and the scent still hasn’t gone out of it.
I also listened to her reading in my heart to me. I have that recorded. she said we can read another book soon. I cant wait. I will record her reading to us again. we left the book today I feel silly, and other moods that make my day in her office. so we’ll probably read that one.
Thursday better come quick. I need to go to therapy.
I need a hug from Eileen.
allie, age 9
tonight I am scared. i have a longing to hug eileen. I feel scared. Scared she’ll leave us. She hasnt said she will. Nothing happened to prompt this feeling but I just feel sad and scared and alone.
I emailed her. I’m sure she’ll respond when she reads it and reassure me everything is ok.
These feelings feel huge.And its hard to manage them.
The littles are freaking out and tears are falling tonight.
We miss her. We need her to hold us. Tell us we are ok, it will all be ok. We’ll get through it.
There is a break coming, the week after next. We arent really prepared for it. We never are prepared though for any break. Breaks are awfully hard for us.
Why are we thinking about it now with two weeks to go?
Who knows. We are worriers and its in our nature to worry.
I guess we were just missing her tonight and so thought of the break and how we wont see her for almost 10 days and we got really freaked out because it felt so long.
sigh. always something isnt there? The therapy process and relationship can be so hard.
ITS ME, PIXIE. YESTERDAY I HAD MOST OF OUR THERAPY SESSION. IT WAS SO HARD. I WAS NOT IN A GOOD PLACE EMOTIONALLY. I WAS DEPRESS, FELT HOPELESS. EILEEN TOLD ME THOUGH THAT THE HOPELESSNESS IS ACTUALLY A MEMORY SURFACING. THAT THATS NOT ME. THAT ITS A YOUNGER PART OF ME. AND YOU KNOW, SHE’S RIGHT. BECAUSE I FELT A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME RIGHT THERE RIGHT THEN. SHE WAS ABOUT 16. AND SHE FELT SO HOPELESS, TRAPPED, LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. YOU SEE, THE ABUSE CAME OUT WHEN OUR BODY WAS 14, THAT IS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE WAS REVEALED. BUT, YEAH THERE IS A BUT. IT DID NOT END. WE WERE LEFT IN THE BORDING SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER YEAR AFTER THE INITIAL DISCLOSURES. WHY, YOU MAY ASK. TRUTHFULLY, I DONT KNOW. IM NOT SURE WHY OUR MOM CHOSE TO SEND US BACK THERE, ITS SOMETHING WE HAVENT FORGIVEN HER FOR. BUT WE WERE LEFT THERE, AND THE ABUSE CONTINUED, AND NOT ONLY DID IT CONTINUE BUT IT GOT WORSE. WORSE BECAUSE WE CHOSE TO TELL SOMEONE. WE CHOSE TO TRY TO GET OUT, TRY TO GET HELP. BUT WE WERE WRONG. WE DIDNT DESERVE THE HELP. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE THINKS. ALL SHE CAN SEE IS THAT SHE’S TRAPPED, AND THERE IS NO WAY OUT. SHE HAS TO STAY IN THE ABUSIVE SITUATION EVEN LONGER. NO ONE CARED. NO ONE TRIED TO HELP HER. NO ONE GAVE A FUCK. NO ONE CARE IF SHE DIED, OR LIVED. SO YESTERDAY IN THERAPY SHE WAS REALLY NEAR THE SURFACE. EILEEN SAID SHE’D WORK WITH ME ON TRYING TO GROUND HER INTO THE PRESENT. AND I SAID I’D TRY IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP HER FEEL BETTER. BECAUSE THE HOPELESSNESS IS HORRIBLE, AND EFFECTS ME AND I HATE IT. THE FEELINGS ARE SO SCARY. BIG AND SCARY. AND UNMANAGEABLE. SO WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. AND IT WENT WELL. I MANAGED TO SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. OUR HOUSE AND WHILE WE SHOWED HER DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF OUR LIFE NOW EILEEN ALSO TALKED TO ME, KEEPING ME ANCHORED TO THE PRESENT. SHE HAD ME FLASH BACK A FEW TIMES TO 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE’S MEMORIES. BUT SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK, I TRIED TO FLASH BACK ON MY OWN BUT I GOT STUCK, I COULDNT COME BACK OUT OF THE MEMORIES ON MY OWN, I NEEDED EILEENS HELP TO DO IT. BUT YEAH. IT WAS A VERY INTENSE SESSION. WHEN WE GOT DONE WITH THE EMDR I TALKED TO EILEEN FOR A WHILE ABOUT MY OWN INTERESTS. ABOUT HOW I LIKE TO TRAVEL. ABOUT HOW WHEN I WENT TO AMERICA TO MEET OUR NOW PARTNER WELL CAROL ANNES PARTNER WE HAD SO MUCH FUN BECAUSE SHE’S MULTIPLE TOO AND IT WAS NICE TO JUST HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER MULTIPLE WHO REALLY TRULY GETS IT AND GETS US. THAT WAS SO COOL. WE WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKING FOR HOURS. I HAVE FRIENDS IN THEIR SYSTEM AND WE’D HANG OUT AND DRINK HARD LEMONADE AND PLAY MUSIC AND WATCH SOUTH PARK. IT WAS COOL. EILEEN HAD ME WORK WITH THE PULSERS TOO FOR A WHILE BRINGING UP THE GOOD MEMORIES OF TRAVELING TO AMERICA AND WORKING WITH THOSE. SO YEAH IT WAS A VERY GOOD SESSION. AND BY THE END THE 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE WAS CALMER. WHICH WAS NICE. WE LEFT FEELING A LOT CALMER. WELL SO THATS GOOD, RIGHT?
its me, allie. i was thinking about you tonight.
i was thinking about everything that you do for me, and i wanted to write to you to wish you happy mothers day.
i wanted to say how much i love you. and to thank you too.
thank you for all the hugs. they are awesome.
thank you for caring about me and helping me process all the memories and bad thoughts that i get in my head sometimes.
i love you for doing it with me, helping me when i have nobody to go to for help. i love your office because it is my safe space. it represents safety to me just like you do.
thank you for letting me get angry and never leaving, for letting me rage and be mad and always being there to pick up the pieces and catching me when i fall.
thankyou for helping me to stop believing the lies my abusers told me.
thank you for everything. i love you and i hope you are not too sad today. i know this is probably a hard day for you but i hope this note makes you feel a tiny bit better.
its allie. im so sad.
i realy wanta mom. i want eileen. or dr. barry.
i dont care if i cant have them. i want them. i want a nice mom. a good mom. a mom who will see me. a mom who will love me. a mom who cares.
dr. barry and eileen, they care. they love me. they’ve said it to me.
so i know its true.
ive been cryin a lot tonight.
its so unfair that i have no mom to love me.
i want hugs and kisses, to talk, to be heard.
to be seen, to be me. to be ffree.
i want to live with dr. barry. or eileen. they are my two safe people. i love both of them.
im just so sad. so so sad.
life is so unfair.
allie age 9
well mom got my fruit for me at the store. i spent 25 euro on all of it. i can tell you now i am not going to run out of fruit any time soon.
i got blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, mandarins, nectarines, peaches, apples, and grapes.
so yep a lot of fruit for the week lol.
another bit of good news is that it does look like i’ll be able to go to therapy tomorrow morning. i texted eileen just to make sure but i think i will be able to make it.
so i’m happy about that. i didnt want to miss a session.
just got out of a long bubble bath, so am feeling totally relaxed now.
have a great sunday everyone…
we might not get to therapy on monday. i hope we do.
otherwise i’ll be sad. i need to see eileen. i miss her.
i’m worried about her, i hope she’s ok in the storm.
i emailed her but i dont know if she saw it.
our dad said the snow might not be gone by monday and if it isnt we’d have to cancel and that she’d understand if we do.
but i really really dont want to cancel. so please pray we dont have to.