I got to have time with Eileen this week, I like that. We talked about a lot of things and are used the punters. I never used them before. They helped me to be able to bring up memories, and they weren’t all bad memories either. Some of the more happy memories, like memories of being in preschool and the phone are used to have when I was there. We talked about the assessment and I told Eileen I am upset with Doctor Barry because she thinks I don’t take my mads because I want to stay sick but that’s not true I don’t take the medication because it makes me feel sick especially since I overdosed so many times on medication before and so when I take it it makes me feel sick like I’m gonna throw up. I do like Doctor Barry I’m just murdered her right now. I will have to talk to her and tell her that the reasons why I don’t take my medication sometimes are not the same reasons that she thinks. Right now though I don’t want to talk to her I just want to talk with Eileen. We talk about my feelings and how sometimes I feel very hopeless and very sad and like I want today. Eileen said that was very sad. She keep me some homework for the week. I’m supposed to do one activity and take time for myself and do something nice. So I think I’ll probably listen to music and look up some information about butterfly something like butterflies a lot. I know this phone is messing up and not getting all my words right I think it doesn’t understand my voice sometimes. Dictation can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes. Anyway I like having time in therapy and I hope I can have time again soon
so today eileen was telling me how when she was doing her masters she did some research into the medical model versus the recovery model.
she said one phrase that really stuck with her when looking at the recovery model was
“nothing about me, without me”
I must say I loved this. It says it so well. All therapy whether with a psychiatrist, therapist etc should be a 50 50 partnership between therapist and client.
Mine is. And I am so thankful for that fact.
I’M A HOT MESS TONIGHT. OH YES I AM. TRYING TO HELP LIZ RUN THINGS IN OUR SYSTEM, WELL ITS HER SYSTEM NOT MINE BUT I AM HELPING HER OUT SHE IS STRESSING OUT. REPORTER ALTERS ARE AROUND AND THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE CHAOS. ZOE AND ALANNA BOTH ARE WORKING IN THERAPY WITH EILEEN NOW AND THAT HAS STIRRED UP OTHERS AND THEY ARE WREAKING HAVOC. ITS A NIGHTMARE. WE’RE JUST A CRAZY HOT MESS. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST. THESE ALTERS NEED NEW JOBS. CONTACTING OUR ABUSERS FROM THE PAST BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS THEIR JOB, THATS JUST NUTS.
hi. its allie. and i wanted to write to say today i talked with dr. barry. for a long time. and it felt so nice. she maked me feel so good about myself. she listened. she made me feel like i was the only person who mattered in the world. we talked about spacing our apointments out to two weeks apart. and i told her i dont want to but liz and carol anne do. and im not the only one who dont want to, all of us kids dont. she understood. but she said its an opportunity to challenge some things. and to grow. and we need to do that challenge our attachment issues. she said shes not goin anywhere and that if she ever planned on going somewhere shed let me know. she said carol anne had told her last week she loved how honest she is with us. and that she believes in being honest. and so that is why she said she’d tell me if she was ever going anywhere. she said taylor was very honest with her last week about her feelings as well. so that made me want to be honest with her too. so then i told her about how im scared shell leave me. and i feelin abandoned even tho she hasnt gone no where. and i dont wanna space out apts out because what if it means i dont see her nearly as much. i will miss her! she said she isnt able to keep up the weekly appointments because of demands on her from other patients. but she said if we spaced outthe apts to two weeks apart that shed keep them like that for a while. so we are doin it. and im not happy. but i gess ill try it. see what happens. i showed her my new book. she loved it. its the new book carol anne bought us for eileen to read to us. its called today i feel silly and other moods that make my day. she kept apologising to me because she said the language she was using to explain the attachment stuff probably wasnt age appropriate for me. but that she knows eileen is better at dealing with that side of things and so she thinks itd be good if i talked with her. i told her what eileen said about feelings, that they dont be going to kill us. and that its ok to be how we are there no pressure to be any other way. i also told her that eileen said we are confused because her role and dr. barrys role are similar and that spacing them apts out might be a good thing cuz then itd give us a chance to see eileen as the mother figure and attach to her more so that we can heal our past. dr. barry said that thats probably a good idea because even though shes our psychiatrist our attachment to her is a different sort of attachment to eileen, and in some ways eileen is more important because the deeper work is being done with her.
it was a good session. im glad i came out. i hope i can again soon.
Therapy was so hard today. I have literally got no words. The session was all about Friday and the upcoming assessment. Can’t talk much about it now, can’t find the words to say when I want to say. Could use a bit of support and friendship if anyone is around, feeling a little on stable at the moment everything swirling around inside my head. Really just can’t find any words right now
it came, it came! our book came in the mail!
we got the book today i feel silly and other moods that make my day, to take to eileens office for her to read it to us.
i am so excited! we cant do it tomorrow but next week carol anne said we might be able to if eileen is ok with it.
we have to ask her first. i will ask her! im not scared to ask!
has anyone ever heard of this book? its written by jamie lee curtis about feelings! you can look it up on amazon that is where we got our copy.
also if you look on youtube you’ll be able to hear people reading it. bet none of them are as good as eileen though. im gonna ask her if i can record her reading it to us!
we are having a bit of an unsettled night tonight.
i think it is due to having therapy tomorrow morning and knowing there is a lot to talk about.
we are having the did experts from the pottergate centre in the UK come over this friday and do a reassessment. Its a big deal for all of us.
its been 7 years since they saw us and a lot has happened in that time. mostly positive stuff.
lots has changed for us.
I guess we are afraid in part that they’ll say we are now too stable for ongoing support on a regular basis. we do not want to lose our support system.
if anything in order for us to remain stable we need to keep it within reach.
i am however ok if they say we can go a little longer than a week without seeing dr. barry. I think I’m ready to space out those apts a little bit, even to fortnightly apts.
I guess we’ll see what happens.