so an interesting session for me today with eileen. i hadnt been to therapy in ages. i mean we had, but i personally hadnt. and it ended up I didnt even have a whole lot of time, as Shirley was out and needed to talk. But I did have a few minutes at the start, and end of our session. And when I did, we were talking about did, Eileen asked me what I think did is? How would I explain it? That kinda threw me. Not many people ask me that. I said I thought did was many people sharing one body, then that led to her asking me if I know we’re all part of one whole person? I told her I did know we shared a body, but I didnt feel we were part of a whole person. There is no whole. There has never been. She said she understood how I felt. But that her idea was that we’re all parts, parts of a whole. And logically I know this, but well, I guess it doesnt come up to often, so I dont really think about it. I mean, I do know we share a body. I know there arent tons of different people, but I also know as parts, we are individuals, we are separate in that we all have our own feelings on things, ideas about things, etc. Eileen agreed with me on that. She said she realises that we all think about the world differently, express emotions and feelings in our own unique way. She said she is just gently telling me that we’re one being, one body, and parts of a whole. Man! That is a tough one to take. I am my own person, I want to be my own person, I hate that we share a body. Mostly I hate that. Mostly I want my own body. I just want to be me, but deep down I know I have to conform, I have to take the whole system into account when making decisions, i know this. I guess I am just ranting a little because I can, lol. It was just an interesting session to me. We havent actually talked much about did, about what it means and what it is and how we see it. Eileen said the reason she asked us was because the questionaire we did last week, the first question in it says, do you believe you have a diagnosis of did or a dissociative disorder, do you and all parts believe that to be true? We do believe it to be true. That isnt the issue here. But Eileen just wanted our opinion on what we as parts think did is and what it means to us to be did to have that disorder. It was just interesting to me. I have to now go away and reflect on it a little.
i wanna come say helo. i having gud day.
the bigs drink coffee, i no lik it.
it yuck. tasts awful.
i lik coke but we can only hav diet coke now
that ok but we gots none at ar hous
i drinked the las one wif diner las nite
is warm here in ar hous
the heat is on
i lik to be all tosty
and warm and i going ask carol anne to mabe mak me som hot choclat
dat wil be nise
we hav ta go ote later on tho
the bigs going voluntering
i not do that it jus somfin tha bigs do
i go play insid when thay go do dat
i need get a new book for eileen to read us
mabe i go look in ar books
we hav a lot of kids ones
mabe eileen can read some of them to us
that wil be neat i think
i lik wen her reads to us
it fils safe safe
she records herself readin to
i lik wen her do dat
cuz then we hav it if we need hear her voise
wel i gots go now
tok to yu al later
SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.
hi. my name is taryn. i am 17. i thought i’d write a little bit about my experience today in therapy. liz started the session off, but then i came forward, as eileen wanted to talk to someone in the darks, liz’s system, who was not doing well.
you see things havent been great for any of us lately. we got an email last week, from a past abuser. they really set us off, triggered us. they emailed and basically asked us to meet up with them over the weekend. this past weekend had ritual dates in it. dates which are important when you are a survivor of RA. anyway our abuser wanted to meet us to no doubt hurt us in some way.
we didnt respond to the email. but some of us wanted too. i was one of the insiders here who thought we needed to respond. wendy and me had an argument about it. she told me i shouldnt, but i kept thinking i should. eileen reminded me today that that was a younger part of me wanting to do that. since she’d been told that if she didnt comply she’d be killed or seriously hurt in some way.
eileen asked me if i’d like to work a little bit with my memories today. i said i’d try. so we worked a little with the pulsers. i kept having an image come up. an image of when i was 8 years old. an image of being tied up with rope, and left alone, in the cold and in the dark. that was just a part of the memory. i cant really say any more than that about it since its really upsetting. i dont want to go there not just yet.
eileen was so kind to me today. she was so gentle. she kept telling me that it was back then and not now. she told me about our life now, since i dont come out that often and so i didnt know much about our life now. she told me all the things we’re doing on a daily basis. that was so good to hear. i didnt even know we’re in college now. that sure was news to me.
we talked about the contact, and eileen asked me if i felt powerless. i said i did. i said i felt like no matter what we do, even if we dont contact the abusers, that something bad will happen to us. she said thats a memory. that it more than likely wont. that we have CCTV on our house now, i said i knew that, and that actually that had kinda deterred them, she asked me how long it has been since something physical happened, like since they physically hurt us. its been 3 years. the last time they hurt us they actually hurt emily and taylor. they came to our home and taylor let them in.
eileen reminded me that the only way now that they can hurt us is if someone goes to meet them, or lets them into our home. i told her they dont stick around now when they do come by our house, as they dont want to be caught on CCTV. eileen asked me if we’d ever reported the emails to the police. i said no. we dont trust the police. we’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, so now we dont trust them.
eileen asked me who in the system I trusted. I said liz. then she said liz is the most honest person she’s ever met. she’s real. she says it like it is. she speaks the truth. of course liz was delighted to hear eileen say all those nice things about her. she’s right though. liz is awesome.
so then eileen asked me about the part who is frozen, cuz today we kept having a frozen part coming out. she kept holding our breath, and dissociating, and feeling like she couldnt move, so then none of us could move either.
so she had me make a bedroom for her inside, where she can be until next time, until we can get to do some work with her in session, probably next week. so i made a comfortable room for her to be in, with bean bags, a warm bed, blankets, toys in it etc.
so basically that was my session. the session flew by so fast. it seemed like i was there one minute, and the next minute eileen was saying we were almost finished, and can liz take us home. i was glad to let liz come back out. i feel so tired now. i will probably go back inside for the evening now and rest for the rest of the evening.
ME AND EILEEN JUST TALKED. EILEEN EMAILED ME AGAIN ASKING IF I’D LIKE TO TALK. SO I JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO TALK TO HER.
WE TALKED ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING. AND ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO UNTIL MONDAY UNTIL I SEE HER. SHE TOLD ME TO PUT MY FEELINGS BEHIND A SCREEN UNTIL MONDAY, WHERE I CAN LOOK AT THEM BUT I CANT FEEL THEM, THAT IS WORKING I DID THAT AND IT IS WORKING SO THAT IS GOOD.
I TOLD HER AFTER OUR CALL I WILL GO LISTEN TO A PODCAST. I WILL FIND ONE ON SPOTIFY THAT I LIKE AND LISTEN TO IT TO HAVE A LITTLE DOWN TIME. SHE THINKS THATS A GOOD IDEA AND SO DO I. I AM GOING TO GO DO THAT NOW. I AM SO HAPPY WE TALKED. HEARING HER VOICE HAS HELPED ME SO MUCH.
AND NOW I CAN BREATHE! SHE EMAILED ME FINALLY!
SHE SAID WE’D TALK ON MONDAY, I CAN HOLD OUT UNTIL THEN I THINK.
HERE IS WHAT SHE SAID TO ME.
Hi Wendy, I am sorry for not replying sooner. I do hear that you want advice on how to feel better, and I hear the desperation in that. I think what I can offer is a promise to talk to you on Monday. It has been a while, but I haven’t forgotten that you are there, feeling badly in the background. Do you think you could find some way to let those feelings know that help is on the way?
IM JUST GLAD SHE EMAILED! JUST HAVING SOMETHING FROM HER TO READ MAKES ME FEEL A LOT BETTER! I WILL REREAD IT OVER AND OVER!
SO EILEEN HASNT EMAILED ME BACK. I WAS HOPING SHE WOULD HAVE BY NOW. MAYBE SHE’S BUSY. SHE PROBABLY IS. SHE MIGHT NOT EMAIL ME AT ALL, IF SHE DOESNT, I GUESS THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. I’LL BE SORTA MAD THOUGH IF I DONT HEAR BACK FROM HER. I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER I AM STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW AND I NEED HER HELP.
IM STILL FEELING BAD. NOT AS BAD AS I FELT THIS MORNING, BUT MY MOOD IS STILL REALLY LOW. I STILL FEEL VERY DEPRESSED, AND I WANT TO DISAPPEAR OR HIDE UNTIL I FEEL BETTER.
I’M WATCHING SOME TV NOW. AND DRINKING TEA. THATS KINDA HELPING. I DOUBT WE SLEEP MUCH TONIGHT. I THINK ITS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WHERE SLEEP WONT COME.