BAD WEATHER. WE’RE NOT GOING TO THERAPY…

WE ARENT GOING TO THERAPY TODAY. THERE IS A STORM COMING, AND WE’RE UNDER A WEATHER WARNING FROM 7 AM TODAY UNTIL LATE TONIGHT. SO WE DECIDED TO STAY HOME, ITS PROBABLY BEST THAT WE DO, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WINDS ARE MEANT TO BE HIGH, 130 KM PER HOUR AND THE RAIN IS MEANT TO BE VERY HEAVY ALSO. I TEXTED EILEEN, TOLD HER I WASNT ABLE TO MAKE IT INTO OUR SESSION, SHE WAS TOTALLY FINE WITH IT. WE ASKED HER IF SHE COULD POSSIBLY DO ANOTHER DAY NEXT WEEK INSTEAD OF MONDAY, AS WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY ON MONDAY, AND SHE OFFERED US TUESDAY AT 4:30. SO WE TOOK IT. SO WILL SEE HER THEN, SAD WE DONT GET TO SEE HER TODAY BUT NEED TO STAY SAFE, NEED TO STAY INDOORS…WE CAN EMAIL HER IF WE NEED TO…THAT WILL HAVE TO BE ENOUGH…
LIZ

Its here, therapy day yay!

and its over! our therapy break is over yay! I am so glad!
We will see Eileen in less than 2 hours!
I am so excited!
It feels wonderful to be actually going to see her again!
I am looking forward to connecting and giving her a huge hug!
We’re going to bring the new book the kids got for christmas so she can read it to them.
They were supposed to do it before christmas but time ran away with us!
I am so, so happy our break is over!
Happy tuesday everyone!

Today was a do nothing sorta day

And I badly needed it!
I slept in late, really, really late. I didnt get out of bed until after 1 this afternoon! I was glad to be able to just stay in bed and relax. I havent been sleeping great so I caught up on my rest.
I’ve done nothing all day today besides read, eat, read some more, go online, and make a few phone calls.
I feel all the better for having a chill sorta day!
Tomorrows looking like it will be more of the same, but my mom is coming over, and we might go spend my gift voucher that my sister got me for christmas. She got me a voucher to a clothing store I love, so I might go see what their sale is like and see if I can pick up a few bits to wear.
Maybe I’ll even model what I get for photos and post the pics on here!
We’ll see. If I feel like it I just might do that.
Other than that, me and mom are probably just going to hang out, chat, and mom wants to help me do a few bits around the house, plus she will clean my yard, thank god I have her to do that for me! I never know where Nitro goes because he usually doesnt stick to the same spot!
I had to text Eileen too earlier, I forgot the time of our session on Tuesday! She texted me back and told me and so the panic was averted!
And of course it was great to connect with her!
Thankful for therapy on tuesday and happy to be seeing Dr. Barry on Monday!

LIZ: DEAR EILEEN

DEAR EILEEN,
I MISS YOU. I REALLY REALLY MISS YOU. I CANT WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY WHEN WE’LL SEE YOU. THIS HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT FEW WEEKS. THE BREAK HAS BEEN SUPER HARD ON US. WE WANTED TO TEXT, REACH OUT MORE THAN WE ACTUALLY DID. I KNOW WE SENT A FEW TEXTS, AND A FEW EMAILS. IT TOOK ALL OUR STRENGTH NOT TO FLOOD YOU WITH TEXT MESSAGES. EVEN ME, ALL I WANTED WAS TO REACH FOR YOU. TO SIT WITH YOU. I KEPT REMEMBERING THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU BEFORE THE BREAK. I KEPT REMEMBERING HOW YOU SAID WE’D WORKED SO HARD LAST YEAR. AND HOW YOU WISHED US A LOVELY CHRISTMAS. WE DID HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS. IT WAS SPECIAL THIS YEAR. WE ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH. BUT YOU WERE NEVER FAR FROM OUR THOUGHTS. ESPECIALLY MINE. EVERY TIME WE DID SOMETHING, WENT SOMEWHERE, HAD SOME NEW EXPERIENCE, I WANTED TO REACH FOR YOU. TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT. AND I WILL I KNOW I WILL. BUT I FEEL SO NEEDY LATELY. PATHETIC ISNT IT THAT I AM SO NEEDY? I KNOW YOU’D SAY IT ISNT. YOU’D TELL ME ITS JUST A FEELING, AND THE FEELINGS WONT KILL ME. SOMETIMES I WONDER ABOUT THAT. FEELINGS ARE SO OVERWHELMING SOME DAYS. THEY ARE SO INTENSE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO PUSH THEM AWAY. IT FEELS WRONG TO MISS YOU SO MUCH. AND I WONDER, DO YOU MISS ME? WHEN I’M NOT THERE, I WONDER IF YOUR THINKING ABOUT ME. WONDERING WHAT I’M DOING? I KNOW YOU’VE SAID IN THE PAST THAT WE’VE BEEN ON YOUR MIND IN BETWEEN SESSIONS, SO I’M HOLDING ON TO THAT NOW. I AM FEELING INTENSE ANXIETY TONIGHT. I AM SO OVERWHELMED. I THINK SOME MEMORIES ARE BREAKING THROUGH. I AM NOT ALLOWING THEM TO COME FULLY THOUGH. I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM WHEN YOUR NOT HERE TO CATCH US WHEN WE FALL. WHICH WE WILL, BECAUSE THE MEMORIES ARE DEBILITATING. SO I’VE BEEN JUST TRYING TO COPE. I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO MUSIC, JOURNALING, DRINKING TEA. NOT SLEEPING A LOT. TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT WHEN I’M GOING TO SEE YOU. JUST THE WEEKEND TO GO NOW AND MONDAY, AND THEN WE’LL HAVE OUR SESSION. I THINK I CAN HOLD IT TOGETHER UNTIL TUESDAY MORNING, BUT I MIGHT BE A SOBBING MESS COME TUESDAY WHEN I GET TO YOU. I KNOW YOU’LL SAY ITS OK, THAT I CAN BE HOWEVER I WANT AND YOU DONT JUDGE ME. I JUDGE MYSELF THOUGH. I THINK IF I AM A MESS CRYING AND BEING ALL NEEDY, I AM WEAK. AGAIN THOUGH I KNOW YOU’D DISAGREE. SO I WILL HOLD ON TO YOUR WORDS NOW YOUR WORDS OF COMFORT TO US AND I WILL TRY TO JUST BREATHE. BUT MISSING YOU FEELS SO HARD. I AM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS NOW UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.
LOVE AND HUGS,
LIZ

This fucking anxiety sucks!

Feeling so bad right now guys. Just so sad. Have been crying for the last hour. Flashbacks are so awful. I hate them. They feel so overwhelming. I feel like I am being sucked into a vortex. Its horrible. I wish I didnt have to experience them. I wish It wasnt gone midnight, I’d be able to contact my therapist if it was earlier. I cant now though its too late. Tomorrow maybe. I just have to get through tonight. I hope I can. The anxiety is back, I am super anxious right now. I feel agitated, and on edge. Like I am crawling out of my skin. This sucks.

A sweet new years message from our therapist

We just texted our therapist before going to bed. I didnt think she’d get it until tomorrow. I dont know what she’s up to for new years, but I thought she might be out partying, or something. I still dont know what she’s doing, but I dont want to know. I texted her and she texted me right back. She wished us a happy new year, and she said she hopes 2020 is great for us, and then she put a party face with hat and confetti and the happy face with hugging hands and 2 hearts imogies after it. It was so sweet. And now I can go to bed happy. Knowing we’ve connected. And thats all the kids needed, they just were longing for some connection with eileen. Now we’ve gotten it. We will sleep better tonight now. I am so happy and feeling so lucky. What an awesome therapist, to text us on new years eve. Although now for the last few years we’ve done that. And its kinda our thing now to text a christmas greeting on christmas day, and a new years one on new years eve. We just kinda started doing that and we kept going with it. Right now I’m heading to bed, and I’m heading to bed with a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. Thank you Eileen for your love and support, your kindness and most of all for you just being you. We love you and we’re blessed to have you in our corner and in our lives.

Texted Eileen!

Hihihii everybody!
Well I sended our therapist a text! I had to I was just feeling so sad! She said if we need her to just text her! So I did! Heres what I said in the message to her!

Hi Eileen, its Em. I am so sad! I wish you were here! I need you so bad right now!
Do you think we can have a phone check in today?
I miss you so, so much!
Everything feels so hard!
Butterfly hugs,
Love you,
emily!

I hope she responds to me today. I know as soon as she can, she will. She never forgets. So I hope we can talk soon!