therapy today was draining, and other random stuff

busy day today here with therapy this morning and then work this afternoon. I am so wrecked now. absolutely shattered and just feeling so drained. feel like i’ve been hit by a frait train. i am trying to unwind, watching tv and maybe going to read in a little while.
therapy was hard. darks got time to talk about contact from abusers and their feelings around that. they also talked about last week and eileen managed to get it out of one of them why we didnt come in. I will try to write about it at some point, or have Kelli the teen who actually talked to eileen write about it.
I just really feel like having an early night tonight. I am shattered.
I dont know if I can though. Not sure how our sleep will be. We didnt do well last night as we had a storm here, wind and lots of rain and it was lashing off the windows and keeping us up.
Going to try for an early night though, if I can I will have one. I am working again tomorrow afternoon. Also, got on to tech support for my broadband as it keeps dropping the connection, and they made an apt to come out to me on thursday morning, to look at it and see what the problem might be.
At least my morning is free tomorrow, I can relax for the morning before working in the afternoon, work was good today, despite the weather being bad, the atmosphere in the office was awesome.


Woken by the wind…unable to get back to sleep…

So I got woken by gusty winds. Its wild out there guys! Really wild!
Now I cant go back to sleep! I keep thinking weird things! Frightening thoughts. Scary scary thoughts. I hate this!
Its 3:41 AM. I’m wide awake. So might as well make a cup of something, chose to make some coffee.
I’m kinda nervous about our therapy session this morning. I wonder how it will go. I get anxious just before session a lot. But because we didn’t show up last time, and I know Eileen wants to get to the bottom of it as to why, that’s making me a little more anxious than usual.
I trust Eileen though. I know if anyone can get the full story as to what is up she can. I just have to leave her to it. She is kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, she will help whoever is scared of therapy right now to talk about why.
Well better go drink my coffee before it gets cold. I hate cold coffee. 😛



Hi Liz,
Thank you for the change of email address. I do hope things have settled down somewhat now that you are at your parents house. I get your anger and upset at missing the session and feeling of helplessness as to what actually happened. We will get to it on Monday. Breathe….
In the meantime have a good weekend, all will be well!



Struggling a lot

We’re really struggling. Just feel so down…so so low. Couldnt even get out of bed this morning. Have stayed there all day. We didnt even go volunteering. Just feel so depressed. Feel like its just so hard to cope. So hard to want to keep going on. Just feeling this intense overwhelm. Wendy and Liz wrote eileen last night. We did get an email from someone from our past. We didnt respond. But the next couple of weeks are going to be full of emails and phone calls from past abusers trying to pull us back in. always at easter time and around our birthday which is on april 19th. God I hate it. We’re not responding but just getting that level of contact is enough to send us spiraling. Easter and our birthday are always hard for us anyway besides the contact. Lots of bad memories around that time of the year for us. I just feel like isolating. I know I shouldnt. I know thats not good and it wont help. If anyone could I’ll take a hug or some supportive thoughts or good vibes. I’m really hoping to break out of this func. I’m even debating not going to college in the morning. I just feel so unmotivated. Like I cant do it I just cant go. I probably will go though. I just want to stay in bed, hide from the world.


Therapy. Talking about dads addiction

therapy today was intense. we discussed my dad and his alcohol addiction. that was hard. its something we hadnt really touched on before. i rarely bring it up to anyone. and i’d not really spoken to eileen about it. so i felt glad that i could. for those that dont know, my dad is an alcoholic. he still drinks now. he drinks almost every day. he’s not violent, but he is very controlling, and very obsessive, wired and always thinks he needs to be right. he doesnt listen to reason, or in fact listen to anyone when he is drinking. its his way or no way. today we talked about how argumentative liz can be with him. liz doesnt get along with him. she cant stand him in fact. he sets her off. she gets angry, their personalities clash. eileen tried to advise her today. she tried to tell her that you cant reason with an alcoholic. they blame everyone else. there is no reasoning with them. eileen was saying how we need to look after our own self care. we need to take care of our own mental health. she advised us that we have a choice. we can react, or we can change our responses. she encouraged us to put a reminder into our phone, that we can look at while we’re at our parents house. its stressful at our parents house when he’s drinking. our mom avoids him. we do too for the most part. we got in the bedroom and go on our laptop. we dont talk to him unless we have to. because talking only leads to him yelling, or arguing with us. eileen told us to put the reminder in our phone that we have a choice, and set it up so we can see it every hour. so we’re going to do that. she said a lot today about addicts. about addiction and the patterns of what goes on for both the addict and for us the person living with it. we talked about codependency. she offered up the names of some books i can get and i am going to get one or two and read them. it was a good conversation. even if it was difficult to talk about. im sure we’re not done with it by a long shot. we didnt really resolve any of it, other than to set up the reminders in our phone about choices. and even that, even the fact that we have choices. that goes right over our head. its like we dont see it. because for all these years our choices were taken from us. we never had a choice in how to respond or react. so now that we do, that seems odd to us. like its someone else’s life, not ours. anyway. we’ll do what she suggested and see what happens. i came home after therapy, and went in to work. then came home after work, ate and went for a rest. didnt really sleep though. im a little wound up. still reflecting on todays session. doubt i’ll sleep tonight. we’ll see. bringing up his addiction always effects us all a lot. living with an addict or having one in your life is so so hard. he’s not going to change now though. so we’ll have to try to change our responses. anyway. it was a good therapy session.

from jadda age 10

hihihi every body
its jadda. im 10 years old. im one of emilys inside kids. you know em has her own insiders in the bigger system. I know that’s confusin, it is for me too. but we’re here, and its just the way it is.
I got to talk with Eileen today. that was cool. I never talked to her before. I did email her though. at the weekend when I lost my words. I couldn’t find them. I asked her to help me find my words.
they disappeared. it was stressful to me that I lost them. I hate not be able to explain things or how I feel. but today I could. Eileen helped me find my words again.
we talked about ems system. I told Eileen a few things. about why im here. im a protector in ems system, I am here to protect Emily. that’s why I came.
Eileen was curious. she said but your only 10. I told her there are younger protectors than me. april is one and she’s only 8.
we talked about loss. I told her that last week in our session when we did that review, we got scared. we felt afraid cuz what if we lose Eileen? she said don’t worry, im not going anywhere. and if something were to happen that the organisation who funds your therapy stopped funding it, carol anne said she’d find a way to continue seeing me. and I believe that too. I know she would.
im happy that is the case. it feels better knowing that there are options. if the worse came to the worse we’d still have Eileen, we’d still be seeing her. im glad about that.
we got to talk about memories then. loss from times when the body was a kid. and we used the pulsers for a while. that was ok but then I started dissociating, so Eileen turned them off. she said we’d done enough work with them. I was glad we stopped. I didn’t think I could continue to work on the memories. Eileen ask me about the belief I had about myself. I told her I believe I feel that I am too much, and that I am bad. we talked about that belief for a while then.
then liz offered to help us by supporting us more. she said she didn’t realise how badly we were struggling, neither did Carol anne. they offered to come closer by us and offer their support to us. I liked that they offered to do that. it felt nice to have a grown ups support.
we don’t ask sometimes for help when we need it because we are scared. sometimes we don’t tell the grown ups in the bigger system that it is one of us and not Emily. we get scared to tell our names, and be recognised.
we are going to work with Eileen on asking more for help when we need it. but next week liz and her system are going to have some time. liz has stuff she needs to talk about with Eileen. but im glad I had a little bit of therapy time today.
Jadda, 10

Eileens so good to us

Eileen is so amazing. She has been so supportive to us while we were in the UK.
She said before I went that I could text her. So I did. I texted her on Sunday night, before I went to bed. I told her about how much I was struggling. I wasnt looking for a response, I was basically just sending her an update.
On monday morning, the day of the funeral, she texted me a sweet message, saying that she knew I was on route to the funeral now, but that she was sending me her love and support, and telling me that if I needed to talk to her to call her, that she’d be available at 10 Pm that evening, as she was teaching a class that evening.
I was so grateful for that supportive message. I read it when I got back to the afters of the funeral. I was so touched by her sweet message, I felt so cared for by her.
And we did talk that evening. I rang her and we talked about the day. She was still in college when I rang, but she still took my call, we talked for about 15 minutes.
She told me to try to practice self care, and to take good care, and if I needed to to just send her another message, but I didnt have to do that. I figured I could wait until I saw her to talk to her.
I feel so blessed to have such an incredibly caring therapist. She really is such a sweetheart to do all that she does for us. We appreciate her so, so much.