Its nice to see you smiling, Em

hhhihihihi everybody
I wanted to share something
this morning I went to therapy
I was the first one of us out in our session
Eileen came in to the office, and we were chatting
I asked her to guess who I am
she said she wasn’t sure
she joked that shes good but shes not that good
so I told her then it was me em
she hugged me and said
its nice to see you smiling, em
that made me smile even more
it was so lovely of her to say that to me
I haven’t been smiling a lot lately
there has be nothing good happening to smile about
not for me anyway
I thot it was so cool she noticed that
but then im not surprised
she notices everything about me
any little changes and she notices
I gess she knows me really well
butterfly hugs
loves you,
Emily age 12

Doing some EMDR

therapy was good. intense. we did EMDR. That was good but man it was intense.
I got so much from it though. We worked on memory processing. Normally I’d rail against that but today I didn’t. Today I actually felt up to working through some memories. I felt like we could do that without actually drowning in grief and pain and trauma…
We also worked with our body. Noticing the feelings coming up. Noticing how our body felt when they came up. Just noticing…it was great. Normally I’m shit at noticing my body. I am so unaware of things and of how it feels. Not today though. Today I did good.
We worked on grounding techniques too. On coming into the here and now, coming into the present moment. Eileen worked with liz and Emily on this. And me too of course. But while she worked with us, she also invited other insiders to come into the conference room and watch what was happening, and feel it through us. We can do that. So that’s what we did. It was good.
All in all it was a great session. I’m tired now. I think a restful evening is in order. An evening where I can just chillax. Chill out. Don’t have to be anywhere or do anything either. And I don’t. My sister will drop me home in a little while, and I think I am going to just veg out this evening.
I need time to process. Time to reflect on todays session. We talked about our next couple of sessions today also. We’ll have one next Monday, and then the week of Halloween Monday is a bank holidays. We’re going to make up for it though and have our session on Thursday that week. Then the following week its back to Monday, and then Eileen is out on a training course on the 12th for a week.
She knew we’d be having a really hard time the week of Halloween, so she didn’t want us missing a session that week. I love that she’s so aware, so careful about us not having to miss any of our sessions. It really means so much to me that she is so aware of our needs.

Slept well, surprise surprise!

so I got a great nights sleep! couldn’t believe it!
went to bed at around 11 PM last night. fell asleep right away!
I honestly didn’t think I’d sleep at all! I was wired before I went to bed! And I hadn’t even had any caffeine!
But thankfully it all worked out, and because I slept so well I was able to get up at 7:30 this morning, I jumped out of bed!
Therapy in an hour. Am wondering how todays session will go. I’m sure it will be ok. I’m a little apprehensive though about it.
This morning I am thankful for a good nights sleep. I am thankful for a nice big bowl of porridge to warm me up. And I am thankful that I am going to see Eileen soon.

#write 31 days, introducing, allie!

hi. im allie. im 9 years old. my long name is alicia. i go by allie though always.

im not really sure what to write about myself. in our system i am a light. i am looked after by carol anne. she is my inside mom.

sometimes i have meltdowns. i get angry. i break things. i get really upset. i cant help it. sometimes it sucks to be a kid in a grown up body.

i love my therapist. her name is eileen. i want her to be my mommy. she says she cant though. i also love my psychiatrist dr. barry. i want her to adopt me. i wish i can go live with her. but she says i cant. she said thats not possible. i wish it was though.

carol anne says its my passion in life to have dr. barry adopt me and to be taken care of by her or eileen. i suppose that is true.

i like watching cartoons. i also like disney movies. i like the movies tangled, frozen, and the little mermaid. those are my favourites to watch.

i have a besty in another system. her name is rash. she is cool. i love her and we always get in a lot of trouble. we’ve been besties for a while now. she says i crack her up like a pestachio. ha ha!

well thats all i know to tell you! i hope you liked reading this little intro thing about me.
bye for a while!
love, allie!

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LIZ: WORKING HARD IN THERAPY

SO TODAYS SESSION WAS INTENSE. I HAD MOST OF IT. I WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. WE WORKED WITH A MEMORY. IT WAS A MEMORY OF THE FIRST TIME WE WERE ABUSED AT A RITUAL. IT WAS SO SO HARD. I DONT THINK I’VE EVER HAD TO WORK SO HARD AS I DID TODAY. THE IMAGES THAT WERE COMING UP WERE SO AWFUL. SO RAW. I WAS FEELING INTENSE FEELINGS. FEELINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER FELT. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME WHAT WAS THE PICTURE, WHAT WAS MY BELIEF ABOUT MYSELF BACK THEN, AND WHAT DID I WANT TO HAVE AS A BELIEF NOW. ITS ALL PART OF THE EMDR. PLUS SHE HAD ME IMAGINE I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS, EVEN THOUGH I CANT SEE THEM. SHE TOLD ME TO IMAGINE THAT I COULD. IMAGINE MY EYES GOING OVER AND BACK AS IF I WAS LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS ON THE PULSERS WHILE THEY VIBRATED IN MY HANDS. I COULD DO IT BUT BOY WAS IT HARD! SO I GOT IN TOUCH WITH AN 8 YEAR OLD PART. SHE WAS STUCK BACK IN THE PAST, BACK IN THE MEMORY. SHE WAS SO FEARFUL, TRAUMATISED, JUST PANICKING. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS HER. AT FIRST I SAID I WASNT SURE. BUT THEN I SAID I FELT PROTECTIVE OF HER. I FELT LIKE I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BRING HER OUT OF THAT PLACE. SO EILEEN SAID WE COULD. SHE SAID IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME OUT OF THERE NOW. IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME WITH ME. SHE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED. THAT WAS A HARD QUESTION. I KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO SAY BUT COULDNT FIND WORDS. LUCKILY EILEEN IS VERY GOOD AT HELPING ME TO FIND THE WORDS. SO SHE DID AND I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED REASSURANCE THAT SHE WAS SAFE, THAT IT WAS OVER, THAT ITS IN THE PAST. I TOLD HER I THINK SHE NEEDS TO BE SOMEWHERE SAFE ON THE INSIDE, WHERE SHE CAN REST, STAY WARM, COMFORTABLE, AND RELAX AND BE CALM. EILEEN AGREED THIS WAS ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA. SO THEN WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. I WAS ABLE TO BRING UP A SAFE PLACE INSIDE AND VISUALISE HER GOING THERE. YEAH…I TOLD YOU WE WORKED HARD. I WAS SO DRAINED AT THE END OF IT! I CAME HOME AND I SLEPT FOR THE AFTERNOON! EILEEN HAD TOLD ME TO REST WHEN I GOT HOME. SO I ATE AND THEN I RESTED. I DREAMED WHEN I WAS SLEEPING, BUT EILEEN HAD SAID I MIGHT. SHE SAID DREAMING IS ALSO PART OF THE EMDR AND THAT IS THE EMDR WORKING, IT IS US PROCESSING THE TRAUMATIC experiences AND THE SESSION. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW IT WENT, THOUGH. REALLY, REALLY HAPPY WITH IT.
LIZ

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I JUST, DONT WANNA GO!

I WOKE UP FEELING OFF. I DONT WANNA GO TO THERAPY! I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO GO! I WILL GO,BUT I REALLY DONT WANT TO!
I JUST FEEL LIKE THINGS WILL BE JUST HARD. AND I DONT FEEL IN THE MOOD FOR TALKING! I DEBATED TEXTING EILEEN, AND SAYING I DIDNT FEEL UP TO COMING IN. BUT SOMETHING STOPPED ME.
I THINK WE JUST NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND GO. MAYBE IN THE END WE’LL BE GLAD WE DID.
LIZ

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#socs 5th oct. Cards!

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is card. Use it any way you like. Enjoy!
*****
I love getting cards from people. I love when someone gives me any type of card. I love being thought of! It is just such a lovely feeling when you either recieve a greeting card, a birthday card, a card, any card.
This month I have lots of birthday cards to buy! I have my furry babys card to buy too this month, he’s gonna be 8!
Imagine it! 8 years young!
I love to surprise my friends and family with cards that say I am thinking of you or, just because, I love to see how excited they get when I send the cards to them and they arrive through their letterbox!
We also love making cards. We make cards for our therapist and psychiatrist a lot. They love them! They always thank us for them. I think they enjoy the effort we put into making them!
So there you have it, my socs about cards!

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