This is Allie

yesterday i had time with eileen in therapy. i had almost the whole session. i felt so safe and so happy it felt good to be able to have time with her. we talked about some memories i’d been remembering. she held my hands while we talked so that i wouldnt get pulled into the past. i like it when she holds my hands. i play with her jewelery and i was nervous so i kept switching hands and holding one first then the two of them ha. it was nice to just sit with her holding her hands. she asked me how i felt being able to just talk to her. i said i felt loved and seen and validated. how does that feel in your body? she asked. it felt like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. soft and warm and safe. she said i am really good at describing how i feel and how my body feels. she said some adults wouldnt be able to do that. that made me feel good to hear that. i did not think i was that good at describing things. but she said i am. the memories were hard to talk about. i cried a lot. got really upset. was shaking and sad and stuff. but i am glad i talked to her about them. cuz it did help me to feel better once I did talk. i hadnt slept on monday night at all cuz the memories were bothering me. so at the end of our time together yesterday eileen hugged me and told me to go inside and try to sleep. i asked her if i can bring her with me to sit by my bed. she said thats a great idea and she would come with me. we also talked about how eileen sees us when she talks to the kids. she said when she talks to one of us she pictures how we’d look and so she sees a child when she looks at us that she doesnt see the adult body. she asked me when i got upset if i knew we’d grown up. sometimes i do but sometimes i dont. we talked about being grown up and life now and now not being the same as back then when we were in dublin. she has to keep reminding me of that. sometimes i get all mixed up between what is now and what was then. im glad i got to spend time with her though. i needed to do that to feel better again.
allie

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Inside out

Yesterday we had an embarrassing moment in therapy. We were chatting to Eileen and all of a sudden she very gently and kindly said to us:

“Who got dressed today?”

“I’m not sure, I said, why?”

“Because your sweatshirt is inside out!”

OMG! Seriously? Are you serious?

Talk about embarrassment! Must have been one of the littles that got dressed!

So then I had to take it off, in front of her, exposing my bra, and all and turn it around and put it back on with the right side showing.

Thank god she is kind and cared enough to tell us!

She even smoothed it over for us when it was back on. She was being very motherly and helping us fix it so that we looked presentable.

I just cant believe we came out of the house, went into a taxi, with our sweatshirt on inside out!
The joys of being blind and having did!

I want my therapy mom!

this is allie. well if you wanna you can call me licia or lish or ali or just trouble. haha.
i am so sad. i need a hug from eileen.
i need her to wrap her arms aroumd me and then i will be able to feel safe. safe in her strong arms.
i love to listen to her heartbeat. it sounds so sootheing.
it makes me happy and i feel safe when i hear it.
i dont feel my age. i feel about 6, or maybe even 5. my 5 year old needs hugs from mommy.
she needs to feel loved and cared for.
she is hurting. sad. alone. in pain. feeling abandoned and rejected.
she needs her safe mommy, thats eileen.
its the middle of the night here though, so even if we emailed eileen she wont get it. she wont see it. she cant hear our pleas for help.
she is probably asleep and in bed and me emailing her would probably bother her.
so i didnt email.
i just feel so sad. not sure what to do Smile
feel so unsure…crying…lonely…missing eileen…
Smile someone give me some ideas because I am struggling here…
x
allie

Dream

I WOKE FROM A DREAM. A DREAM ABOUT EILEEN. IN THE DREAM WE WERE SITTING TOGETHER. I WAS HUGGING HER. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS SAFE. WE WERE FEELING SAFE AND HELD AND CONTAINED. WHY CANT THIS FEELING LAST? I AWOKE AND TEARS DRIPPED DOWN MY CHEEKS. I NEED HER. I NEED EILEEN. I NEED A HUG. I NEED HER TO HOLD ME. I NEED HER ARMS TO HOLD AND COMFORT ME. THIS FEELS SO HARD. IT IS SO DIFFICULT. THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE NEEDS A MOM. A MOM TO HELP HER HOLD HER COMFORT HER AND VALIDATE HER FEELINGS. I NEED CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS HER SAFE PERSON, A SAF BASE. SHE FEELS SO UNLOVED, SHE NEEDS CARE AND LOVE. FROM EILEEN.
LIZ

therapy session

i feel so good after therapy. makes a change. normally i am drained. and its not that we did not do hard work today, we did. but i feel good, and not at all exhausted afterwords.

I had all of todays session. that felt good too. its been a while since i’ve had a full session.

we talked first about college. i told eileen i’d been accepted onto the course and i was starting tomorrow. we talked for a little while about that. that led onto a convo about my strengths.

we talked about how during the abuse i threw myself into things like learning, and the performing arts. i was in stage school at the time. i did speech and drama, tap dancing, singing. we talked about how the year the abuse finally came out, I still ended up doing the xmas pantomime, and the abuse came out with two weeks to go to christmas. and i still ended up doing the show.

i also threw myself into learning. i studied and studied, did well in school, did well in all of my exams, despite being severely bullied and despite being sexually abused.
how does that even happen? eileen said dissociation was a valuable tool. i guess she’s right, it was. she said how some kids when they are being abuse cant concentrate, they cant learn, but i could.

i feel lucky i guess that i was able to dissociate. it meant i wasnt anxious. it meant i was able to go on. i was able to keep going, the abusers didnt break my spirit. the bullies didnt break me.

we went on to talk about parts and change. the darks were having difficulty with the concept of change. eileen wanted to hear from them as to why they felt they didnt want to change. she asked me to ask them so i did.

they said they were afraid of getting better. getting better equals losing support. she kept reassuring them she wasnt going anywhere. “i have no intentions of going anywhere, I’ll always be here for you, for as long as you need me”. I’m not leaving. it is always going to be your choice when therapy ends, your choice.

that was a shock to us. we have never had a choice in our treatment before.

well then, I guess your stuck with us, I said. And we both laughed.

we worked for a little while with a very young part. a 2 or 3 year old. she finds it hard to go in between sessions without contacting eileen. she is so attached to her and just needs her care constantly. eileen worked with her. and she was able to figure out that its all linked to our childhood.

when we were very young we lived with our dads family. all of who were alcoholics. when our mom had to go somewhere and wasnt able to bring us along, she’d leave us with our aunt, who was more interested in alcohol than in looking after us. so this little girl is associating memories of our aunt, and mixing them up with now and the present time.

We talked through it and it felt good to get it all out. I felt lighter afterwords.

Eileen asked me to try to not edit stuff that I say when I am with her. I said I’d try. I dont want to but sometimes its so automatic that I cant help it. I know she would never judge me, but I am so used to people being judgemental that it is what I gravitate towards.

I guess fear and abandonment and attachment issues played a huge part in the session today.

Have a happy Monday everyone

good morning guys

i am so happy this morning. it feels nice. i woke up feeling refreshed. i slept well. i went to bed really early last night and i slept. i must have needed the sleep.

i am looking forward to seeing eileen this morning. i am not anxious about my session, nobody inside is anxious either. we are all excited to see eileen. she is our safe base, our safe person. not sure what will come out of todays session but i am not worrying about it. i will just allow what comes up to come up.

i’ve fed nitro and let him out. he’s full of beans this morning. he’s bouncy and wagging his tail. he wolfed down his breakfast too lol. i’m just catching up on some blogs, and drinking tea. life is good.

Eileen called me

i feel good now again because eileen just called me. she sent me a message asking if i can talk. i am volunteering at the basement club this morning but i was able to talk to her. she told me that i am too young to be doing the volunteering, that i needed to let carol anne do it. i told her carol anne was depressed and hadnt been out very much this week at all. but i was able to call for her and she was able to come out and talk to eileen too so that was good. now she is back and i feel much better. i knew eileen wouldnt let me down i knew she’d come through for me.
she said we can talk more on monday but for now she was just checking in with us. she didnt have much time but thats ok. even a small check in helps.
emily