Low key therapy session

we had a low key therapy session this past monday. We decided we need to wind down. We have one more session before our christmas break, that, too will be a low key session where we’ll just have a general chit chat and wind down.
Eileen keeps reassuring us that we’ll manage the break. She said its ok to put things away, its ok to just reflect on the hard work we’ve done, and enjoy our christmas, that therapy will be there in january, and for now, for now its ok to shelve things and put them away.
Have fun, relax, chill out, enjoy time with family, friends, enjoy the holidays.
I hope shes right. I hope we’ll manage the break. I can feel some inside tensing at the thought of it. We talked about it with her though so that did help some. Its just some inside only feel safe in eileens office and nowhere else. Thats the hard part.
We plan on giving her a christmas card next week to end our therapy work this year. Emily made it for her. She is looking forward to giving it to her. We also have a card that we bought from a friend, which is signed by a lot of us in the system and which we will also give to her.
Therapy this past year has been really hard but also really good. Its been intense a lot of times, but so worth it, we’re progressing, we’ve done a lot of hard and very intensive work, which wasnt always easy, but then, when is therapy ever easy?
I’m happy we have one more apt before the christmas break. I’m also happy our last one will be an apt where we can reflect, where some inside can talk and chat in general, not have to worry about disclosing, or about doing anything too intense.

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Therapy tomorrow!

Therapy tomorrow morning! Yay! So glad we get to see eileen! So looking forward to it!
For once I dont feel any anxiety at all around going in!
I’m just happy we get to go! Im kinda excited to see what the session will be! We’ve been making such good progress lately! I hope we’ll have more of it tomorrow!
Its our second last session before the christmas break. I am going to ask Eileen if for next week, our last session before the break, if we can have a kinda low key session, where we dont really do any trauma work or deep work, where we can just generally wind down!
Im sure she’ll agree to that!
For tonight though I will just look forward to my therapy time! And I will look forward to eileens support tomorrow morning!

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april who is 8

im not felin safe tonight
i fel so sad
my hart hurts
we’re all sad in here
i wish i was at eileens ofise
it helps me wen she holds me
i fel protected then
safe and warm and loved
i wish she was here now
april 8

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Therapy today was good

we had a good therapy session today. the kids were happy cuz they had time with eileen. april and emily both has some time to talk. i dont remember a lot about today. except that we worked with the pulsers a little. to try to help emilys system of insiders. it seems some of her young ones are running things. and eileen said we need to try to change that. jade is now living with emily as you all know. so she is an outside adult that lives where em lives inside. in the same house. that is helping. but a lot of ems insiders are still really protective of em. they are all still afraid to really let her take over much. it was worrying today. we got to therapy and it seems an 8 year old insider named april took us there in the taxi. she’s one of ems insiders. none of us had any recollection of what we did this morning when we woke up. how we dressed, or washed or ate or what we did. we just didnt know. but somehow we got to therapy. when eileen came in april was out. eileen was very worried. as am I. this situation is not good. it happens to us every so often. so we’re going to work on that soon too I think. we got very dissociative this morning too during our session. our body felt all kinds of weird. we were really feeling dizzy and like elastic that is stretched, and about to snap. eileen came over and held us. she also placed her hand on our back for some extra support. of course she asked before she did it, she’d never just do it without asking first. it felt calming to have her place a hand on our back and rest it there. like she was sootheing us. it felt so good. it immediately calmed us down. overall it was a good session. we left feeling less dissociative. less edgy. liz came out at the end as I was busy with kids. but she came out and talked with eileen for a few minutes before we ended the session. well actually eileen asked for her. so i think she felt a little special that eileen had asked her to come out. it was good though the session was. two more before our christmas break. im nervous about the break. eileen kept telling liz to remember how much we have going on right now. like for example our social life, college, etc. that we’d manage. she said she’ll put extra support in place for us over christmas. that maybe she could go some phone check ins and we can also email her. she’ll be on vacation for two weeks over christmas. but really it’ll be 3 weeks. its just how the weeks fall. im sure it’ll be ok though. at least i hope it will be.

carol anne

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Eileen responded to our last email!

So when I opened my email today I got a nice surprise!
Eileen had responded to my email where I told her I got a place on the mental health in the community college course!
I was so thrilled to get a response as I didnt think she would!
She said she was delighted to hear that we’d gotten a place, and that it was really exciting news.
She also said it was great to see Emily enjoying doing 12 year old stuff and just being a kid!
I love her for responding! She always knows when to respond! I had almost forgot I’d sent her the email about it! I sent it after I got the good news on Thursday evening, then I didnt think any more about it until just now.
My therapist truly is awesome!

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Big system changes

therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.

Therapy tomorrow!

Yay! 😀 I am so looking forward to it!
I just cant wait to see Eileen!
I’ve been having longing feelings all weekend, am longing to be in the safety of her office, longing to be with her, to have her sitting in front of us, with her calming presence and reassuring voice!
Telling us we’re ok, we’re safe, and all is going to work out and be well!
I need that right now! I am feeling insecure tonight!
Alls I gotta say is, thank god therapy day is almost here!
😀