so i saw dr. barry this morning. i left to go see her at 8:30. it was pouring rain so i left nitro at home. i had a bit of a wait because dr. barry doesnt come in until 9:30 because she gets her kids off to school first. she saw me at around 10 AM. i told her how anxious i was about saying goodbye to karen. then she said it wont be happening today…karen got called away to a meeting. she said you can wait until 11 AM until karen comes back if you want, or we can leave it until next week. i decided i’d wait until next week. i dont want to rush the goodbye. dr. barry encouraged me to internalise the positive things about our relationship and remember the good things about karen. she said its very positive the fact that I was able to forge a relationship with karen despite my attachment issues and trauma issues. she said i could have put boundaries up and distanced myself and not engaged fully with karen but i didnt do that. she praised me and said that i did a great job. we talked about therapy and eileen being on break. i was telling her how i find the space hard to deal with. i find when eileen isnt there it feels like there is this huge distance between us. i need to hear her voice or have some tangible way of connecting with her. otherwise the space just feels like this huge gaping hole. i think she got it. she seemed to understand. she asked me what resources i was using and we talked about my blog and twitter and my email support group. she said those were all good resources. we also talked about reaching out to friends and using grounding techniques that I’e learned. i told her that in therapy i’d worked with eileen and created a room that is like eileens office and eileen is internalised in there and when we need to we go in there and bring eileen in there with us. she thought that was a great idea. we talked about sleep and i told her i am not sleeping again. over the past few days i’ve gotten about 8 hours sleep in total. she said that wasnt good. she asked if i’d like to go back on a sleeping tablet for a week. at first i said no. then she said it might be a good idea just to get my sleep pattern regulated again. she said she could write me an emergency prescription for halcion. so i took that and will go back on it for 7 days. we talked about meds then. i was telling her how a couple of years ago i was on 40 mg of valium and she said that benzos are so addictive and she doesnt mind prescribing them short term but long term she said its not good prescribing practice to use them for patients. i agree. she said we may try lamictal again if my mood doesnt lift. but i’m already on depokate and keppra and lyrica so another anticonvulsant med might not work or might cause unnecessary side effects. she said we’d wait and see. i’ll see her next week and then the following week she’s on vacation because her kids are going back to school and so she’s taking the week off to be with them. i told her that i’d need to prepare for that. its crazy how i get so worked up and need to prepare for every vacation she takes. it makes me feel like i am abnormal. but i literally do need to prepare myself before she goes. its like i need to build myself up to it. she reminded me that its only a week and she’d be back before i know it. so i have another week now to ruminate about karen leaving and to get all anxious and worked up about the goodbye. i’m trying not to but its so hard. i showed dr. barry the card i’d maded for karen and she said it was very touching and she thought karen would love it. i hope she will.
its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.
i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.
why is night time so hard?
I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.
swirling and spinning
nothing to grip onto
the hole seems endless
yet i have a sense of rock bottom
and i think i’m about to hit it
i brace myself for the collision
but i am tugged away by voices
my mind can’t prepare
and combat hallucinations
enter the flashbacks
on top of the voices
memories stabbing my heart
suddenly i hit the ground
the fall is hard
my arms out to brace myself
now bleed in a self injurious way
this is the bottom
its a familiar place
i’ve been here many times before
and i know that unless i get help
the right sort of help
i’ll be here again
carol anne say i can rit. i not like this nite. it dark and i fraid of tha dark. i skard bad men gon come. get me and hurt me. carol anne said no. they wont she said she wil kep me safe. i hope so. i do trus her lots. i emailed eileen. i teled her i was skard. i hop she wil get it tomoro. i tol her my felings are big. big and skary. and it fels lik i gona drown. i be shakin and stuff all tha tim. and tha voises ar bak too. thay say mean thigs to me. tel me to hurt htha body. but i didnt. i didnt do nothin. i told them to shut up. i not gon lisen to them. i gon tak my remote that eileen tol me to get and turn tha voises down. change tha chanel. that wat we pratic in therpy. and i go to do that now. also she say wen i see blood, to change that color from red to a difrent one. i like purple or pink. so i change the bad red color to a pink color. and that helps. dat all i kno wat to say. i got go to bed now. night eferyone.
taylor i six
we had therapy today after a 2 week break. it was so lovely to see eileen. i did end up asking her where she went on holiday, and she told me she’d been to the south of spain.
it was nice to know where she’d been. it helped me to feel more connected to her. she said she didnt have a problem telling me where she went, but that she wanted to make sure of the reasons that I wanted to know before she told me. I guess she’s looking out for me, she knows I’ve had bad therapists in the past with skewed boundaries and she’s making sure that sort of thing doesnt happen again.
I was really dissociated when i walked in today. we were blendy and switchy. we spent the first 15 or 20 minutes trying to ground ourselves into the present. she kept asking me to feel my body in the chair, feel the parts of my body that were touching the chair, she kept repeating the year and date and other present day details.
eventually i was able to come back fully. we talked about age and how we dont feel our age. that even though the body is 37 we rarely feel that age. mostly its younger parts running the show. and when she says to us she sees a 37 year old woman sitting in front of her it sets off a reaction in us, some insiders have a bit of a moment, shock, and dislike of our body follows.
we talked a bit about ritual dates and the memories associated with the last ritual date which was last week. that was hard. we had no words, or we werent able to find our words. eileen was very encouraging and she helped us a little by prompting us sometimes. that was good. we needed the prompting so that we were able to vocalise how we felt.
we talked about karen leaving and sarah coming on board our team. we hadnt told her about sarah since we hadnt see her since we met her last week. she asked us again how we were feeling about saying goodbye to karen. honestly? I’m afraid to think about it. I know I should, and I’ll have to soon. But I keep denying that its happening. Stupid really as I do know it will happen soon. I am just so sad about it and hating having to lose her from the team.
The session went by way too quickly. We have another 2 week break now because technically eileens still off work until the 21st of August. So its back to counting down the days again until we see her. It feels like it will be manageable though. Now that we’ve had some text contact and seen her once I think we can manage the next couple of weeks without her. We can still email her which is good.
so another quiet day here. did not get up to much at all. had a bit of a migraine so slept for a lot of the day. my sister was working today and i knew she’d be working near where i live, so i texted her to ask her if she could drop me home later in the afternoon to save me having to spend money on a taxi. she said she would. i ate dinner at mom and dads before she dropped me home. mom came with us and spent an hour here with me while my sister went to her job. she works as a health care assistant so all of her jobs are an hour each, but she might have 3 or 4 jobs or more a day. anyway mom helped me around the house and we chatted. i was telling her i have a lot of clothes i want to donate, shirts i no longer wear because they’ve gotten too small for me. i also have a lot of books i dont need, shoes etc. she said she’d take them to the charity shop when she has a little bit more time. my aunt is going to take the books i think but she hasnt collected them yet. i went on the treadmill for 10 minutes, did a mile, then was sweating so drank a whole bottle of water right after that. i’ve started to do the incline on the treadmill to make myself work harder. and boy do you work when the incline goes on. my legs were like jelly when I’d finished my 3 minute incline. i’ve been texting with my friend for the evening, and watching tv. i texted eileen and we sorted out about tomorrows session. first when i texted her she wasnt at home, and she thought our session was at 10 AM. so then i told kristen to come a half an hour earlier tomorrow morning. but about half an hour ago eileen texted me back to say that she made a mistake and actually our session isnt until 11:30. that suits me better anyway. i have to go grocery shopping tomorrow morning when kristen comes and i want time to go there and not be rushing around and get back and put everything away before tidying the house a little bit. a kinda funny thing happened when me and eileen were texting. we had texted back and forth for a few minutes. then we’d signed off and sent kisses and hugs and all that jazz. about an hour later another text came in from eileen that said probably wont be home for dinner, just meeting x now, there was a name in where the x is. i thought well obviously she’s sending this text to hubby, and not me. so i immediately texted her to let her know what she’d done. she was very apologetic and saw the funny side of it. but it now meant that i knew she was out meeting someone probably for coffee. it felt a little weird knowing that but also felt comforting too. when i texted back to her a few minutes ago i signed off with some imogy’sand xxx. i always do it. she does it too. that part of our text conversations is so comforting to us now. anyway, i think i’ll head on to bed and try to read for a while.
and we will see eileen. and i cant wait.
i am going to ask her where she went on holiday. im not sure shes gonna tell me but i’ll ask her anyway.
its been so difficult without her. i’ve missed her. i want a huge hug from her when i see her on tuesday!
just 2 more sleeps until we see her.