I just texted my therapist, because, my psychiatrist wants to see me on the 16th, however, I was ment to see my therapist eileen on that morning!
I explained in my text and I asked her if she can fit me in on another day during that week!
“Of course!” We’ll manage it. I’ll fit you in on another day!
What an awesome therapist I have!
She’s always so accomodating! I love her for that!
dis is lexi
eileen said shed read to us
next week we’re gona bring ar new book
tha one sarah got us fir crismas
its a book bout bein brave
and i cant wait for eileen ta read it ta us
she said if we bring ar recorder
ar digital recorder
then we can record her readin it
yay dat wil be so neat
cuz i love wen eileen reads ta us
it fils so safe
it makes me hapy
so next week we’ll have a fun time
and we can sit next to eileen
and she can read tha book ta us
and then i can wrap up in her warm soft blanky
and it wil be so neat
its ash. im one of emilys insiders. one of her darks. im 18 years old.
today we talked with eileen, well i did. i talked a lot about the abusers, and the kinds of things they’d do to us. it was so hard. it felt wrong to be talking about it, but then I knew I had to, talking is the only way of healing, we have to break our silence, and let down our guard. I trust Eileen enough to be able to do that with her.
i was telling eileen how the abusers trained us not to feel pain. the cult abusers I mean. they’d torture us and hurt us so bad, until we’d create more parts to deal with the pain and then eventually we’d create insiders who just were blank, numb, didnt feel any pain at all, even when the worse pain was going on.
it was just awful. the worst thing is too that the cult created certain insiders, they created them and so now they know their names, they know how to get to us through those insiders. so when we try not to respond to them, they have a bunch of insiders that they created who will respond. my sister zara talked to eileen too today, and she told her that if she saw an email come in from one of the abusers, that she isnt sure she wouldnt answer it, she was just being honest, and eileen really appreciated her honesty.
we havent had back and forth contact with the abusers for months now. yes they’ve tried, they’ve tried to get hold of us, they’ve tried phoning, emailing etc etc. but liz or Carol anne always catch the emails and delete them before anyone who might be tempted can respond to them. which is really good. eileen thinks it is too. she said she’s proud of us and how far we’ve come in the last couple of years. there was a time when all we did was get constantly hurt by the abusers, there was some insiders here with us who’d constantly take us to them, they’d take us off to dublin and we’d end up being raped or hurt in some other sick way.
it was a tough session today. eileen said we need to just go slow with all this. she said its not really about telling the story, so much as its about how we are from having gone through what we did, how we are now because of it. that made a whole lot of sense to me.
all the talk of cult abuse and abusers started when we were having a conversation about SE, SE stands for somatic experience therapy, that is what eileen is training in, she’s training in how to be a somatic experience practicioner. we talked about trauma, the nervous system and how trauma is stored up in our bodies, and that led on to me telling eileen about the fact that we dont feel pain even when we should, I gave an example of putting our hands in a sink of scalding hot water, and not realising we’d gotten burned, because there was no cold water in the sink, only hot. We never realised until it was too late, and the pain didnt register with us at all.
so much to think about, I’ll be processing this for a while this week, I think.
what does safe feel like?a question Eileen posed today
The calm presence of you next to me
Your soothing voice
Your calming energy
The fleecey blanket wrapped around me
The ticking of the clock on the wall
The warmth of your office
But most of all
I am safe
when your with me
I am safe
When we are together
I am safe
I am truly safe
with you beside me
Thank you Eileen
For always making it safe
So my anxiety is still high! I ended up staying at home again today and not going in to work. I felt bad but I need to take care of my mental health. I wasnt going to slimming world either, but I changed my mind at the last minute. The fact I’d have to still pay for this week even if I missed it spurred me on and made me think twice about not going in. I slept for half the day. I couldnt get up. I just dozed all morning and into the afternoon. That made me feel crappy, I felt like I was being lazy. I do feel a little better though, now that I’ve napped a lot today. I am less cranky, less tired, more energised, and in a good mood. As I said, the anxietys still there though. Right now I am so thankful I will see Eileen in the morning. That session wont come quick enough. My friend Norma whose blind and lives near me, she went to school in dublin with me, she’s a few years younger than I am, but she’s looking for a therapist and she asked me to ask eileen if she knows someone whose reasonably priced. So I asked eileen and she got back to me tonight and told me to leave it with her and she’d think about who to send her to. Norma is ringing me a lot though and being quite needy, and its stressing me out to no end. I dont want to seem mean and tell her to stop calling me, but I may have to. She rang me twice tonight already and she said she’d call me tomorrow at lunch time, so I told her she could, but if I couldnt talk then I’d ring her back when I am able to talk. I dont want to seem unsupportive. But well I can only take so much. I see Dr. barry as well tomorrow. In the afternoon. I am glad about that. Its been 5 weeks since I have seen her, the longest we’ve ever gone without an appointment since 2013. I am feeling the effects of not seeing her now too, so am glad we finally have an apt tomorrow. I need to wish her a happy anniversary, this month marks our six year anniversary of working together. I cant actually believe we’ve been seeing dr. barry for that long. It sure doesnt seem like it. Those six years of working with Dr. barry have been the best years of our life, mental health wise we’ve done much better while seeing her than we did with previous psychiatrists. So its all good. I will wish her a happy anniversary and I’m sure she’ll be all surprised about it that we’ve been working together for so long, things like our anniversaries mean a lot to her. She did tell me recently that she only started working as a consultant six months before she started working with me, she only moved to the job in the may of 2013, and we started working together in the november of that year. Now that I’ve slept for most of the day, I’ll probably be up for the whole night. I am planning on facetiming sarah in a little while. Once she wakes from her nap. I am looking forward to chatting to her. I bet we talk more about the trip next year and what we plan to do during it. Or more likely what we plan to eat hahaha. We like to talk about the kinds of food we’ll eat on the trip. I hope the anxiety lessens soon. I hate anxiety, its horrific. I wish it didnt exist. I’d be happy if it just fucked off and left me alone.
Eileen is awesome! Did I mention how absolutely awesome she is? I’m sure I did, rye smile.
I texted her because our anxiety isnt going away. So I texted her asking her if she was able to talk for a few minutes. She responded right away, saying yes, she could.
So we just talked. She is so kind. So so caring and kind.
She spoke to the kids, and she told them they were safe, and its just memories, and that it is in the past, not happening right now.
She asked me if we were triggered by being sick this morning. I said yes we were. “I get it, she said. I hear ya.
I thought you would be triggered by vomiting. How compassionate of her. Just the fact she gets it is so comforting to us.
She told us to wrap up in our fleece blanket. Wrap up and watch something on tv, she said. Be kind to yourselves. What do kids need when they are sick? Comfort, support, hugs, time. Its ok to just be nice to yourselves now. You can do all the fun stuff now. Thats allowed.
So thats what we’re going to do. We’ll watch something on prime, or net flicks, and make a cup of tea, and relax and wrap up in our comfy blanket.
I knew Eileen would come through for us. I am so grateful to her. She’s my strength tonight.
I didnt get to go to therapy today! I am sick! I had a dreadful headache and stomach ache. I couldnt face trying to go in and talk. So I texted Eileen at 7:45 and I told her. She was lovely about it. She even offered me another time this week to see her. I wasnt expecting her to do that. I will see her on Wednesday morning at 9:30. I was delighted when she offered me an alternative day to come in. I thanked her and sent her lots of imogies lol. Then I went back to bed and slept for another few hours. I’d gotten up at 3:30 AM and stayed up for 3 hours. So I needed some more sleep. I didnt wake up again until after noon. I’m not going into work today either. I’ll go in tomorrow instead.