it is allie. eileen makes me so happy. i love her gentle voice. i love her calming presence. i love her for a lot of reasons. today we forgot to bring our new book. lexi emailed her earlier to tell her. i know liz needed to talk today so we wouldnt have gotten a chance to read the book even if we’d brought it. its ok. we can read it maybe next week. i think it will be a good book, its called wherever you are, my love will find you. that is what i think about eileen. even when we’re apart, i know she loves me. i know she’s thinking of me. i know because shes told me before. she says she thinks about us during the week. she has told me that when certain things happen in her life, she thinks about us. thats so special. it makes me feel so good. i love her so much. i dont care if its wrong to love a therapist, i just do and i dont care if i shouldnt. she is like a mom to me and that is why i call her my heart mom. she is my safety. she teaches me things. she has taught me lots. she never lets me down. she always tells the truth. i love her for that. i dont like being lied to and she never ever lies to me. right now i feel so lucky that she came into our lives. i feel like hugging carol anne and saying thanks carol anne for searching for as long as you did and finding us such a great therapist. it is the best thing that could have happened to us.
allie, age 9
TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
I AM A HOT MESS. I DONT WANT TO TALK IN THERAPY TODAY. BUT KNOW I HAVE TO. I HAVE TO IF I WANT TO FEEL BETTER. I AM SCARED THOUGH. I FEEL TRIGGERED, HUGELY TRIGGERED, I NEED A HUG FROM EILEEN BUT AM TOO SCARED TO ASK HER FOR ONE. I FEEL ALONE AND MTHOUGHTS ARE WHIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD. I HATE THIS FEELING.
thats how much sleep i got. i’m exhausted. i am definitely going to try to nap today at some point. i have to. i barely was able to get up. its almost 8 AM now. i had to really push myself to get out of bed. nitro needs to be fed and i need to book my taxi to go to therapy. i’ll be going to therapy at 9:30. for a 10 AM apt. i’m anxious about therapy. am looking forward to actually seeing eileen but just anxious about what is going to come up today. i think i’ll allow the kids to bring their new book and she can read it to them. and we can record it. that will be good. just still feeling quite emotional this morning. can feel liz’s emotional turmoil seeping through to some of the rest of us. liz is doing somewhat better, but she’s still not fully ok. i think fathers day triggered her more than she’s letting on. she doesnt really get along with our dad. she never has. when we were a teen they had a lot of clashes, their personalities are too similar. when i get home from therapy i think i’m going to read, and finish up my book. i have 9 chapters to read. there are 20 chapters, i’m now starting chapter 11. thats if i dont fall asleep while reading. anyway. better go on and ring to book my taxi. catch yall later.
I have reservations about therapy this week. I feel it will be a hard session. I’m not prepared.
I try to prepare myself for what may come up. Its been so hard lately.
So many new insiders are coming forward, insiders that have been further back and inside for years.
that’s ok, its good, but its hard.
there is a lot of internal chaos. the system is struggling to stay afloat.
we struggle a lot, but its much harder to hide it now. and I do have to hide it from some people. I cant act unstable with some family members, or friends.
i’m giving it over to Eileen. she will know how to help. I am trusting her to know how fast to go. I am trusting her with all this.
she has proven over and over that she is experienced and knows what to do how to guide us how to help us.
so I know I need to let her do her job, doesn’t stop me from worrying and becoming anxious though.
anxietys a killer. I feel it every single day. I hate having so much anxiety. I feel I am unable to cope with the level of anxiety I have.
just thinking about all this right now. but I need to sleep or try to. so I will get off line and shut down my pc for the night.
The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS June 16/18
hi it is emily. im 12. im very scared. there is so much internal fighting going on. its hard for me. i know everything about our system. i dont like when the darks fight. it makes me so nervous. eileen says i need to let go and be 12. but how can i? i have to be responsible and make sure things are running smoothly. she said no i dont. that i need to let the adults do it, take care of things. she said its important for me to just be a kid. liz says she’ll take care of things. she said i have to trust her. so im trying hard to trust that she knows what she’s doing.
THERAPY TODAY WAS HARD. WE WERE TALKING A LOT ABOUT TIME LOSS And US LOSING TIME.
WE SEEM TO BE LOSING QUITE A LOT OF TIME. THIS IS BECAUSE SOME INSIDERS WHO HAVENT BEEN OUT IN YEARS ARE NOW STARTING TO COME OUT MORE.
THEN WHEN THAT HAPPENS WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND IT IS VERY DISCONCERTING.
EILEEN TALKED TO A FEW OF THEM ABOUT THE REASONS WHY THEY ARE STARTING TO COME OUT NOW.
IT EMERGED THAT SOME OF THEM ARE BEING TRIGGERED OUT AND IN MAY WERE TRIGGERED BY CONTACT FROM A PAST ABUSER. BUT ITS NOT ALL ABOUT CONTACT FROM PAST ABUSERS. WHILE THAT WAS WHAT STARTED IT IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE FACT THAT WE’RE NOW LOOKING MORE INDEPTHLY AT THINGS IN THERAPY IS SCARING SOME OF THEM.
THEY ARE AFRAID OF THERAPY. AFRAID OF TRUSTING EILEEN. AFRAID TO BUILD UP A BOND WITH HER. AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PAST. AFRAID OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEM IF THEY DO.
THANK GOD EILEEN WAS ABLE TO REASSURE THEM. SHE DID A TERRIFIC JOB OF DOING THAT. I DONT KNOW WHERE WE’D BE WITHOUT HER HELP.
SHE ASKED ME TO HELP THEM BY SHOWING THEM OUR LIFE NOW, SHOWING THEM THINGS THAT WE ARE DOING IN THE PRESENT, AND HELPING THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE FREE, AND THIS IS 2018. SO I SAID I WOULD.
AND I HAVE BEEN DOING IT. WE’RE GOING TO WORK OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS WITH SOME OF THESE TRIGGERED INSIDERS.
EILEEN SAID WE NEED TO HELP THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE SAFE NOW. THAT THEY DONT NEED TO COME OUT UNAWARES TO EVERYONE ELSE AND DO THINGS WHILE OUT THAT MIGHT PUT US IN DANGER.
SHE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THE REALITY IS THAT WE ARE SHARING A BODY, AND IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US WHEN ONE OF THEM IS OUT AND DOING DANGEROUS THINGS, THEN WE ALL COULD END UP DEAD. THAT SHOCKED THEM. I DONT THINK THEY WERE EXPECTING THAT BIT OF INFO. BUT ITS GOOD SHE TOLD THEM I THINK.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION TODAY BUT VERY HARD. SOME OF THE INSIDERS WHO TALKED TO HER MIGHT WRITE LATER ABOUT IT. THEY JUST ARE NOT SURE RIGHT NOW, THEY DONT KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE AND ARE QUITE TRIGGERED AND SCARED TO OPEN UP TO ANYONE.