from emily, beach trip maybe?

It is me em!
how are you all?
we was meant to be going out tomorrow. to the beach. now im not sure if we are going or not.
our niece is in Dublin for the weekend, with her cousins. our nephew is going out with their other cousins.
so if we go it’ll be just mom, my sister and me.
I hope we do get to go! I wanna see if I can find some pretty shells!
I like the beach. I like the ocean.
I like listening to the sound of it. the smell of it is nice too.
I asked if we could take nitro but mom said no. she said he’d get all sand on his fur and then we’d need to bath him so she said it’d be just easier if we don’t take him!
that’s sad! I wish he could come! I wanted to get pictures of us together on the beach!
im realy hoping we go. im looking forward to it.
the weather is good, not realy sunny but just a little bit. if it doesn’t rain we can sit with our lunch and have a picnic lunch on the beach!
that’ll be fun!
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily, age 12

Sadness creeps in

hhihihii every body
it me emily
how are you all?
im sad tonight
march and april are not good months for me
easter is always a hard time of the year for me
and thats coming up soon
plus its our birthday on easter weekend too
i dont like our birthday
there are too many bad memories from our past
it makes me feel sad
tonight i feel so sad
i’ve been crying a lot
just feel so hopeless
depressed and so down and just an intense sadness
i wish i didnt have to feel so much responsibility
i feel like i should watch out for the kids inside with me
even though carol anne said no
she said the grown ups will do that
so why do i still feel so responsible for them?
sometimes i just want to be 12
i just want to do 12 year old things
i’ve been trying a little
eileen said i shouldnt worry about adult things
but i do anyway
i cant help worrying
im mostly sad now because of remembering things that happened to me at easter time
a lot of bad stuff happened around that time
i dont like to remember
i hope i can sleep tonight
butterfly hugs


Lexi here guys

hihi everybudy
i wanna come say helo. i having gud day.
the bigs drink coffee, i no lik it.
it yuck. tasts awful.
i lik coke but we can only hav diet coke now
that ok but we gots none at ar hous
i drinked the las one wif diner las nite
is warm here in ar hous
the heat is on
i lik to be all tosty
and warm and i going ask carol anne to mabe mak me som hot choclat
dat wil be nise
we hav ta go ote later on tho
the bigs going voluntering
i not do that it jus somfin tha bigs do
i go play insid when thay go do dat
i need get a new book for eileen to read us
mabe i go look in ar books
we hav a lot of kids ones
mabe eileen can read some of them to us
that wil be neat i think
i lik wen her reads to us
it fils safe safe
she records herself readin to
i lik wen her do dat
cuz then we hav it if we need hear her voise
wel i gots go now
tok to yu al later
lexi six


i Filin sad sad sad

i filin so sad
everwhir hurts
i very sad today
not like be here at home alon
it skary
i siting wif liz now
her help me writ this
her is in a bad mood tho
grumpy liz i be callin her ahaha
ok i smild a litle now
but is skary be here
i be hear peple oteside
and i fraid
wat if someone com in here
in ar house
and someon go get me
no want that hapen
fraid fraid
fink i go colir now
mabe i can mak a art fing for eileen
miss eileen today
want her to be here
miss her voise and hugs
ok going go mak a picter for her
adelle im four

darina and I got hot chocolate

is me darina
in case yu dint kno
i be six yars owld
gess wat guys
i gots hot choclat
and marshmalows
i love it
carol anne maked it fur me
and im sharin wif lexi and taylor
thay ar both six to
taylor ben havin a hard nite
so me and lexi ben being nise to her
help her and be her frind
it fils hard when shes sad
i dont lik it
it maks me fel bad fur her
so mabe tha hot choclat wil help
i hope it does
it early mornin here
lik 6 am
we jus fed nitro
and let him oteside
hes all hapy now agin
a hapy puppy
darina ballerna im six

This is Sirena

im sirena, and im 13. I thought i’d write.

I am feeling like I want to cut. I didn’t, but I want to. it sucks. I feel frustrated and irritated. I want the kids to stop whining and crying, there really is no point to it is there? I mean, what is it going to fix for them to be so needy?

I cant stand it. the reason I cant stand it is this. when we’d cry all those years ago, no one came. no one helped us. no one cared. we were just left there, left to cry ourselfs to sleep.

it hurt then, and it still hurts now. but when the kids cry now, I cant stand it. I cant stand the noise, or the feelings it brings up for me. why have hope? hope is just stupid. I don’t have any hope. hope didn’t help me get through. I know some of us had hope though.

but tonight I just feel mad, mad, and angry. and I cant cope. and I want to scream. and I want the kids to just hush. shut up. please cuz its just grating on my nerves.

I talked to Eileen today. we had a good chat. she told me its ok if I don’t have words, I didn’t for a while. I couldn’t talk. I felt too anxious. too agitated. too overwhelmed.

eventually I did manage to chat to her. she knew I was struggling, so she made small talk with me for a while. that helped a bit. it meant I didn’t have to think about my feelings. or think about the kids whining and being upset.

I hate that they are so needy. I hate needing anyone or anything. I just hate it. I feel like we shouldn’t need. its not good. its wrong and it leads to more issues.

I’m just sad. sad and mad and angry. I just want a break from my emotions, and from my head. my head is a scary place right now. very scary.
sirena age 13