Krista: I feel so much shame

its krista. in case you all don’t remember, i’m 11 years old.
right now I feel so so bad. my head hurts so much.
ive been out for a while, and I am trying not to go on the internet, and go into chatrooms. I know I shouldn’t do it. I really wish I didn’t think about sex so much.
I really don’t want to think about it. but it happens. I do. I feel so ashamed. I feel terrible and so bad about myself!
why cant I feel good about my body? why do I hate it so much?
I didn’t ask to be hurt! men hurt me and I didn’t want it!
but they didn’t care! they didn’t care how I felt or what happened to me!
they just wanted to do what they were doing and it didn’t matter how I felt.
it hurts! I am feeling so much shame about what they did!
I also feel ashamed about the fact that I still let people do things to me sexually even if its just on the internet!
why cant I be more like my twin kira! she would never talk about sex or do sexual stuff with anyone!
Eileen said kira had me to protect her and she depended on me and I was the one who was outspoken and kira wasn’t and so now she’s shy and timid and afraid and I am not and she said how it was very creative for us to split like we did!
I am so glad I will see Eileen tomorrow!
I need to talk to her so bad!
right now I am going to try to do something other than go in a chatroom! maybe I can find a good tv show or listen to some music!
is anyone around? if you are maybe you’d leave me a nice comment!
thanks guys! ❤ ❤

krista age 11

Dance monkey!

it me darina
I got a song fir ya all ta lisen to!
I love this one!
it so fun!
I dancing to it now!
it stil bes early in morning here
I finkin it 9 AM but I not sure!
anyways, we got all ar college work done yay!
so that means playin and dancing and havin a fun day yay!
I so so hapy!
no silly college work ta do!
yayayaya!
heres tha song, its called dance monkey!

frum darina ballerina, im six yars old!

Connecting with Eileen

hi. its allie. im 9 for those who dont know me. i been texting with our therapist eileen. i missed her a lot this weekend. i havent been talkin to her for a while. i thought shed forget me. i was scared she would. cuz well ya know shes been workin with other insiders a lot.

but she said she dont be forgetting me. so i am pleased. we texted for a little while. and she said we could talk tomorrow. yay. that makes me so happy. i love when i getta talk to her.

its rilly helpful. it calms me. i feel safe when i’m with her in her office.

i sended her a lotta emogies. she likes when i do that. she sended me some back too.

its ben so good ta connect with her!
love
allie age 9

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Darina loves me, but she loves marshmallows more!

One of our littles Darina, whose six, never ceases to amaze me. She’s so spontaneous with her hugs. Tonight she came up to me and wrapped her little arms around me, and hugged me hard!
“I love you, Carol anne”! She said!
Now can I have some marshmallows?
Typical six year old! She loves me but she loves marshmallows more!
Honestly though? She is an alter who was created to be the happy kid, the normal one in an abnormal world and in an abnormal situation.
She is a hugger, and she is very affectionate!
I love that about her!
She doesn’t hold any trauma! Although at times she can be sad, it is mainly when some of the other littles aren’t ok, that makes her nervous, and unhappy.
I love her cuteness, she is sooo cute!
She just says things as she sees them!
🙂
And btw?? She got her wish and was granted a hot chocolate with marshmallows in it!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/09/05/spontaneous/

Therapy: working with sally

sally is a 9 year old insider in our system. she isnt out much. when she is out, she is stuck in the past. she thinks its 1989. she doesnt know anything about our life now. she’s lost in the confusion of that time. when she does come out she’s always looking for our mom. she actually only really comes around when we’re with our mom. if she does come out while we’re at home, usually she’s very disorientated and confused and crying and just generally very distressed.
its hard to watch her like that. we talked a little about her in therapy today. i was telling eileen how when she is out and i am nearby, that it feels like i can do nothing to help her. it feels like a sheet of glass is between us and I cant penetrate it. I am blocked. I can hear things, see what is happening in real time, I just cant do anything about it.
eileen worked with me on trying to get some of my feelings of compassion and care to sally, that was tough. I didnt know how to get the feelings to her. that sheet of glass stops it. so then eileen had me bring sally close by me. and she spoke to her directly but with me still being out. that didnt make a huge difference really, sally just kept asking me who is this strange lady, and why is she talking to me?
she really hasnt a clue about things. she thinks her sister is still a baby. the main reason we were discussing sally today was because this morning, my sister came over to my moms before work, and I was chatting to her. sally came up to me and asked me, who are you talking to? whose that girl sitting next to you?
I had to explain to her that it was our sister, but when I did she just looked at me blankly.
eileen said we’re going to do some more work with her over the next few weeks. I am glad. I think she needs to be able to talk to eileen, and maybe get a little bit more familiar with our life now. Although I am not sure we can actually get her to thinking about what year it is now, or what time we’re in now. I am not sure she is capable of that or that she has the capacity to do it.
we’ll see I guess over the next few weeks.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

I want apple strudel!

hi people! its allie! darinas here with me! we’re thinking about apple strudel. wishing we had some. I love that stuff! its so yummy! maybe we can make some this weekend! I am going to ask our mom if we can. I know how! I really want to bake something and apple strudel sounds like a nice thing to have! but maybe we’re not meant to eat it cuz of the dumb diet we’re on! But maybe we can have just a little? A teeny piece? I hope so! Cuz I love it and I am craving it now that I read Novas word of the day! Its late, I gotta go to bed! Its the middle of the night, and I should be sleeping! So good night from me and darina!
allie 9

#NDRW – #66

Elephants make me smile, from Emily

hi. its emily. for people who dont know me im 12. and Im an alter in our system. im going to write a little.  i hope all of you are having a good night.
i wanted to write about elephants. the prompt word for the word of the day today is elephant.
elephants are so amazing. they are so big. i wish i could ride on one. now that’d be neat. can you even do that? does anyone know if you can ride on an elephant? i like to visit the zoo and see the elephants at the zoo. thats a whole lot of fun.
i think they eat peanuts, i’d like to feed them peanuts, it’d be fun to see them suck them up with their trunks. Does anyone else know what elephants eat?
i like to watch programmes about elephants too. nature programmes. i like nature documentaries. i bet none of you knew that about me. you probably just knowed i liked butterflies. i like a lot of animals actually. i love nature and think its fascinating.
does anyone else like nature shows?
Elephants got big ears too. Maybe they hear real good cuz they got such big ears. I think they use their ears for something maybe its to cool them down? Im not sure. But I know their ears are huge.
I like the sound they make, too. The trumpety trump sound.
And I like the song nelly the elephant, does anyone know it? Its a kids song. I used to know all the words to it. But I forgot some of them now. We had a cd when we were little, of animal songs, and that song was on it.
So do you like elephants?
butterfly hugs ❤
Loves you,
emily age 12