I feel so lousy!

My stomach is playing up tonight. I feel like shit. I dont know what is wrong with it, I didnt eat a lot today. I ate dinner, and breakfast, I ate some fruit, and a sandwich tonight, and a few pringles. Now I feel so off. It feels like I have acid in my stomach. Its horrible. I feel lousy. I asked mom if she had something I could take. She gave me one of her antacid tablets. I hope it starts to work soon. I hope I dont have this for the whole night! There is no pain, no nausia or vomiting, just a horrible taste in my mouth and some reflux too. Ug this sucks!

Emily

hhihihii everybody
it is me em
im not sleeping. im feeling sad. I have a lot on my mind tonight.
my online friends are great though. some of them have been so kind, saying they missed me. that was so nice of them to say so.
I missed them too. I didn’t come out much lately. well until this morning in therapy. me and Eileen had a nice chat then.
I love our chats. they always help me feel better.
I love eileens hugs too. she gives good ones.
im doing a lot of hard work in therapy lately.
its not easy. but its so worth it. it lets me not feel so sad when I work with the pulsers and do EMDR.
my insiders are also doing a lot of work, hard hard work in therapy lately.
im proud of them all. especially the little ones.
well im going to go make a cup of tea now. cuz tea makes everything better.
butterfly hugs
loves you,
em age 12

Emily. I’m so triggered by what we ate

so carol anne decided to get a take out meal for dinner. i feel so full up now. thats a huge trigger to me. i hate feeling so full. it makes me feel like I need to purge. I am trying not to do it. I am trying to distract. But I am so triggered by the amount of food that they gave us in our portion. It was taco fries and a kebab. All very fatty food. Its been about 7 months since we ate take out food of any sort. The last time we ate a take away meal was on our birthday in april. So we dont eat that kinda food very often. Im trying to remember that. But Im so upset. And so so triggered. Its not good. I dont want to weigh in this week. So carol anne said we can skip slimming world this week. She said we dont have to go. I’m glad. I dont think we’d have lost anything and that would have sent me into a spiral. So I am glad we’re taking a break this week.
butterfly hugs
Love
emily age 12

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I have a terrible headache

Omg! My head really hurts. Its really sore. Am in bad bad pain.

I thought the heat might be causing it. So I turned off the heating. Still though its there and doesnt look like its going to end any time yet.

So triggered. Hate headaches. Feel so so triggered.

Its 11 PM. Looks like I’ll be up for a while yet.

As if we didnt have enough to worry about tonight with the way we’ve been feeling. Ug sigh.

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Little parts remembering abuse

im feeling really weird. on edge. agitated. unsettled. unsteady and unstable. it feels awful. i dont feel well at all tonight. i can see myself at age 2.5. living with mom and dad, in dads familys house. with his mother, brother and sister. i see them all drinking, drinking a lot. always drinking. i remember things. lots of bits of memories. lotsof fragments. i remember the yelling. so much yelling. i remember the fear as dad would be drunk, yelling at his brother and sister. yelling at his mom too.
me and our mom we’d be in the bedroom trying to sleep. both being very scared. mom was only 18. she had us at 17. we’d try to make sure she was ok. we’d try to take care of her. we tried so hard. even at 2.5 years old, we knew. we knew this wasnt the way things were supposed to be. we knew then. it was mostly emily and her insiders fronting then. and shirley, and us. shirley couldnt handle it though, so emily would, and us, her insiders, we’d also handle it. now we have lots of infants and toddlers in here. who remember. they remember it all.
tonight we’re just so so sad. all of it it just hurts. i hurt. em is hurting. jade made us some tea. and we have our blanket, and we snuggled with nitro. we talked to our friend too on the phone. that did help some.
we told eileen some of this today. she said we should never have had to do what we had to do. no child should take care of the adults. thats not how its supposed to be. but thats how it was for us.
my heart is aching. my stomach swirling. my eyes burning. my head pounding. my body just feels, awful. i feel, awful. i wish this would end. someone make it stop. i cant do this.
Sassy, age 13, one of ems insiders

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What if?

sitting here
living in fear
fear he’ll find me
if he does
what then?
what will he do?
what will be my fate?
silence as i sit
shiver and quiver
contemplate
my next move
and contemplate
his, too.

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Almost Midnight

Im still up. Its almost midnight. I was going to take some haldol to try to help me to sleep. But I dont want to be groggy in the morning. And I know I will be if I take it.
I refuse to be groggy for therapy tomorrow. Its too important to me. So I am not gonna take any.
If I am unable to sleep, then so be it. I’ll just sit here and blog, read blogs, read email etc.
Is anyone else up still? What are you up to?

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