in my head
in my heart
just cannot get rid of it
it rips into my body
tares me apart
it only wants to destroy me
I’m lost in the wreck
pain, the biggest trigger of all
Laura’s word prompt this week is “Silence”, thanks Laura for the inspiration. https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2018/07/02/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-silence/
Today in therapy I realised, silence is a huge trigger for us. We were sitting there doing an EMDR exercise, eileen stopped talking for a minute or two. All there was was me, the sound of the vibrating pulsers, and the sound of my own thoughts. And boy did I get triggered! I started to dissociate, float away. I started to disengage. I couldnt hear Eileen. She sounded so far away from me when she eventually did start to talk again. Once I caught it I was able to tell her about the trigger. I was able to tell her that I cant stand silence, I need her to speak while we are doing the EMDR, I need her to keep talking to me. She was ok with doing this for us. I wonder though, what is it about the silence? That part I havent figured out yet. I’m still working on it. I’m happy I was able to figure out though that this is one of our triggers that causes dissociation and spaciness. At least now I know. Now I know and can do something to try to not have that happen.
IN THERAPY TODAY A LOT CAME UP. EMILY STARTED OFF THE SESSION. SHE TALKED A LITTLE TO EILEEN ABOUT THE WEEKN, ABOUT TIME LOSS, ABOUT THE SYSTEM, ABOUT WHO WAS STRUGGLING ETC. THAT WENT WELL. THEN SHE TOLD EILEEN HOW WE ARENT SLEEPING AT NIGHT. BECAUSE WE ARE TOO SCARED. THE KIDS ARE AFRAID OF THE DARK. THE DARKS HAVE BEEN HAVING MEMORIES, THERE WAS SUMMER SOLSTACE, THAT WAS HARD FOR US. EILEEN LISTENED. THEN SHE SAID SHE’D LIKE TO HAVE A CONFERENCE WITH ALL OF THE ADULTS. SHE FIRST TALKED A LITTLE TO THE KIDS, THOUGH. SHE TOLD THEM ALL TO GO INTO THE SAFE ROOM INSIDE, AND TO EITHER PLAY, OR SLEEP, OR SOMETHING, BUT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO TALK TO THE ADULTS AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT A FEW THINGS. THEY WERE ALL OK WITH THAT. SO SHE HAD US ALL GO TO OUR CONFERENCE ROOM INSIDE. AND WE HELD A SORT OF MEETING. HOWEVER THAT DIDNT LAST TOO LONG. WE TALKED FOR A LITTLE WHILE, AND THEN SHE BROUGHT OUT THE PULSERS. SHE SAID WE WERE GOING TO TRY AN EXERCISE. SO SHE HAD US THINK OF A TIME WHERE WE WERE AT OUR BEST. STABLE. MENTALLY WELL. THRIVING. SIMPLY PUT, AT OUR BEST MENTALLY. SHE HAD US THINK OF IT WHILE HOLDING TH E VIBRATING PULSERS. BUT SOME OF THE DARKS KEPT BLOCKING IT. THEY WOULDNT ALLOW US TO BRING IT UP. EILEEN GOT CURIOUS AND ASKED WHY, WHAT WAS THREATENING THEM. WHY DID THEY FEEL THEY COULDNT ALLOW US TO BRING UP THOSE FEELINGS? EVENTUALLY ONE OF THEM TOLD HER THAT THEY WERE FEELING INVALIDATED, AND LIKE THIS EMDR SHE WAS HAVING US DO WAS OF NO RELEVANCE RIGHT NOW. SHE STARTED TALKING TO US THEN ABOUT TRAUMA, AND THE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND HOW WHAT WE ARE STRUGGLING WITH NOW IS ALL PART OF OUR WHOLE OVERALL REALITY. EXCEPT HALF WAY THROUGH I COULDNT HEAR HER ANY MORE. I FELT FAR AWAY. I FELT CUT OFF. I FELT LIKE SHE WAS GETTING FURTHER AND FURTHER FROM ME. I FELT SO WEIRD. I STARTED SHAKING, BAD. IT WAS REALLY BAD. I HUGGED THE PILLOW I WAS HOLDING TO ME. EILEEN NOTICED. SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK. I TOLD HE R NO. I WAS STILL HOLDING THE PULSERS, MY BODY WAS GOING INTO SPASM. I WAS AFRAID THAT IF I LET THE PULSERS GO I’D COLLAPSE. THE VIBRATION OF THEM IN MY HANDS WAS KINDA SOOTHEING ME A LITTLE BIT. I WAS ALSO AFRAID THAT IF I LET THE PILLOW GO SOMETHING REALLY BAD WOULD HAPPEN TO ME. EILEEN WAS REALLY KIND. SHE SAT NEXT TO ME AND STROKED MY HAND, YOUR OK, YOUR OK, SHE SAID. ITS JUST YOUR FREEZE RESPONSE LETTING GO, SOMETHING I SAID OBVIOUSLY REALLY TRIGGERED A RESPONSE IN YOU. ITS OK, THOUGH. YOUR BODY CAN HANDLE THIS. YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM IS REALINING. THATS ALL IT IS THAT IS HAPPENING. I GOT WORSE AND WORSE. MY WHOLE BODY WAS TREMBLING. I COULDNT BREATHE. I COULDNT TALK. ALL I COULD DO WAS SOB. I WANTED TO CURL UP IN A BALL, WELL SOMEONE INSIDE DID, I COULD FEEL IT. SOMEONE ELSE WANTED TO RUN BEHIND OUR CHAIR AND HIDE. WE TOLD EILEEN THIS. SHE OFFERED COMFORT TO US. SHE HELD OUR HAND AS WE SAT THERE STRUGGLING. SHE KEPT SAYING I’VE GOT THIS. YOUR OK. I’M HERE. I CANT HANDLE IT. I WONT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU. I’M HERE, SUPPORTING YOU. I HAVE NEVER FELT SUCH A PHYSICAL BODILY REACTION. IT WAS JUST PURE HELL. EVENTUALLY IT DID CALM DOWN THOUGH. AND WE WERE ABLE TO GO ON WITH OUR SESSION. AT THE END OF IT EILEEN SAID WE DID SUPER WORK TODAY. AND THAT A WHOLE LOT HAD COME OUT OF TRYING TO BRING UP A GOOD MEMORY. I AGREED, IT HAD. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT DOING THAT EXERCISE WOULD BRING ON SO MUCH BODILY REACTIONS. EILEEN JUST KEPT TELLING ME IT WAS THE TRAUMATIC STUFF RELEASING FROM MY BODY. THEN SHE COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY POETRY AND HER WRITING. SHE SAID SHE REALLY GOT IT. REALLY GOT WHAT LIZ WAS SAYING, FELT HER FRUSTRATION ABOUT SHIRLEY OUR HOST NOT ACCEPTING HER OR ANY OF US. WE CAME HOME AND FELL INTO BED. FELL ASLEEP FOR HOURS. WE WERE DRAINED. I’M SO GLAD WE HAD THE SESSION THOUGH. IT REALLY DID HELP EVEN IF MY BODY FELT WEIRD FOR HOURS AFTER IT.
im feeling like shit. had an argument with my parents. my dad said i am never happy. thats so not true. i am happy with how my life is right now. the argument was over my pa. i am not liking the current one. and my dad said i had a lovely pa and when i went to do the ILS course I lost her. and he was saying how I shouldnt have gone to do that course. that I gave up a good thing. yes maybe i did. in fact i know i did. but I had to do that course. It was something I had to do for myself. I hate arguments and arguing. It triggers me. There was a lot of yelling, the dogs even got nervous. I just dont like yelling it brings up too many memories. Its over now thank god. I escaped to the bedroom and am now sitting just thinking and trying to read some peoples blogs. It doesnt help that tonight is so hard for us anyway what with it being summer solstace, we’re already really triggered by that due to us being ritual abuse survivors. Ug sigh. Life just sucks tonight.
thats how much sleep i got. i’m exhausted. i am definitely going to try to nap today at some point. i have to. i barely was able to get up. its almost 8 AM now. i had to really push myself to get out of bed. nitro needs to be fed and i need to book my taxi to go to therapy. i’ll be going to therapy at 9:30. for a 10 AM apt. i’m anxious about therapy. am looking forward to actually seeing eileen but just anxious about what is going to come up today. i think i’ll allow the kids to bring their new book and she can read it to them. and we can record it. that will be good. just still feeling quite emotional this morning. can feel liz’s emotional turmoil seeping through to some of the rest of us. liz is doing somewhat better, but she’s still not fully ok. i think fathers day triggered her more than she’s letting on. she doesnt really get along with our dad. she never has. when we were a teen they had a lot of clashes, their personalities are too similar. when i get home from therapy i think i’m going to read, and finish up my book. i have 9 chapters to read. there are 20 chapters, i’m now starting chapter 11. thats if i dont fall asleep while reading. anyway. better go on and ring to book my taxi. catch yall later.
I FEEL SAD DONT KNOW WHATS UP WITH ME TONIGHT I JUST FEEL BAD TONIGHT FEEL INSECURE AND DEPRESSED SAD AND ALONE NUMB AND EMOTIONAL ALL AT ONCE IT SUCKS I HATE IT I WISH I COULD TURN OFF MY FEELINGS I WOULD REALLY LOVE IT IF I COULD DO THAT BUT I CANT I JUST HAVE TO GRIN AND BEAR IT I GUESS I WISH WE COULD TALK TO JESS THATS CAROL ANNES PARTNER I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE IS SHE IS STILL IN RESIDENTIAL IN A FACILITY BUT SHE HAS HER PHONE TURNED OFF AND WE TRIED RINGING THE PATIENT PHONE BUT NOBODYS ANSWERING IT SO WE HAVENT TALKED TO HER IN A FEW MONTHS AND WE MISS HER IN FACT I MISS HER WHOLE SYSTEM SHES MULTIPLE TOO ANYWAY OH WELL WHAT DO YOU DO NOTHING I GUESS BETTER GO TAKE MY MEDS NOW
THERAPY TODAY WAS HARD. WE WERE TALKING A LOT ABOUT TIME LOSS And US LOSING TIME.
WE SEEM TO BE LOSING QUITE A LOT OF TIME. THIS IS BECAUSE SOME INSIDERS WHO HAVENT BEEN OUT IN YEARS ARE NOW STARTING TO COME OUT MORE.
THEN WHEN THAT HAPPENS WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND IT IS VERY DISCONCERTING.
EILEEN TALKED TO A FEW OF THEM ABOUT THE REASONS WHY THEY ARE STARTING TO COME OUT NOW.
IT EMERGED THAT SOME OF THEM ARE BEING TRIGGERED OUT AND IN MAY WERE TRIGGERED BY CONTACT FROM A PAST ABUSER. BUT ITS NOT ALL ABOUT CONTACT FROM PAST ABUSERS. WHILE THAT WAS WHAT STARTED IT IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE FACT THAT WE’RE NOW LOOKING MORE INDEPTHLY AT THINGS IN THERAPY IS SCARING SOME OF THEM.
THEY ARE AFRAID OF THERAPY. AFRAID OF TRUSTING EILEEN. AFRAID TO BUILD UP A BOND WITH HER. AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PAST. AFRAID OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEM IF THEY DO.
THANK GOD EILEEN WAS ABLE TO REASSURE THEM. SHE DID A TERRIFIC JOB OF DOING THAT. I DONT KNOW WHERE WE’D BE WITHOUT HER HELP.
SHE ASKED ME TO HELP THEM BY SHOWING THEM OUR LIFE NOW, SHOWING THEM THINGS THAT WE ARE DOING IN THE PRESENT, AND HELPING THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE FREE, AND THIS IS 2018. SO I SAID I WOULD.
AND I HAVE BEEN DOING IT. WE’RE GOING TO WORK OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS WITH SOME OF THESE TRIGGERED INSIDERS.
EILEEN SAID WE NEED TO HELP THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE SAFE NOW. THAT THEY DONT NEED TO COME OUT UNAWARES TO EVERYONE ELSE AND DO THINGS WHILE OUT THAT MIGHT PUT US IN DANGER.
SHE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THE REALITY IS THAT WE ARE SHARING A BODY, AND IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US WHEN ONE OF THEM IS OUT AND DOING DANGEROUS THINGS, THEN WE ALL COULD END UP DEAD. THAT SHOCKED THEM. I DONT THINK THEY WERE EXPECTING THAT BIT OF INFO. BUT ITS GOOD SHE TOLD THEM I THINK.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION TODAY BUT VERY HARD. SOME OF THE INSIDERS WHO TALKED TO HER MIGHT WRITE LATER ABOUT IT. THEY JUST ARE NOT SURE RIGHT NOW, THEY DONT KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE AND ARE QUITE TRIGGERED AND SCARED TO OPEN UP TO ANYONE.