getting some blood tests

On November 1st, I have to get fasting bloods done at my GP’s surgery, the nurse will do them for me. They are routine bloods, usually I get them done once a year.
When I was diabetic I got them done every six months. They will check things like my thyroid, cholesterol, A1C for the past 3 months, etc.
I’m not too worried, I think I’m healthy, and they’ll all come out ok. At least that is what I am hoping.
I dont really like blood tests, mainly because they always have trouble with my veins, my veins have a horrible habit of collapsing when they try to find them.
So I hope this wont be the case this time!
I’ll be sure to post an update once I have results of the tests!

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Lean on me!

lean on me
I am here for you
I am a shoulder
To cry on
Release all the feelings
And emotions
That are inside
I am here
And I care
I have no hidden agenda
All I want
Is for you
To heal
Feel
Truly heal

This was a convo between our therapist Eileen and me!

http://fivedotoh.com/2019/10/14/fowc-with-fandango-shoulder/

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Giving up

I sit here
Darkness swallowing me up
Anxious thoughts
Tears fall
As I try to speak
But
No words come
I am numb
Numb and alone
I say a silent prayer
But who am I praying to?
I pray the feelings subside
I am unable to hold in the tears
Silently they fall
As my dog sits beside me
Looking at me
Nudging me with his soft warm nose
Oh how I hate
This dark night
I want to just give up
Give up this fight

Karissa age 15

LIZ ON THERAPY: THE DARKS ARE NOW WORKING WITH EILEEN!

HI! ITS ME LIZ! SO TODAY IN THERAPY SOME OF THE DARKS IN MY SYSTEM TALKED. THE ADULT DARKS. THEY TALKED AND A LOT OF THINGS GOT WORKED ON. WE DISCUSSED WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO OPEN UP, DISCUSS ANYTHING, WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THERAPY. IT CAME TO LIGHT THAT THEY WERE PROGRAMMED DURING THE ABUSE NOT TO REVEAL ANYTHING, NEVER TO TELL OR DIVULGE ANY INFO. IF THEY DID THERE WOULD BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, THE PROGRAMMING INVOLVED PHYSICAL PAIN TRAINING, SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH DRILLED IN TO THEM NOT TO TALK. EILEEN WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. SHE TOTALLY GOT IT. SKYLER AND RAYNE BOTH SPOKE TO HER. BOTH OF THEM ARE ADULTS. SKYLER SAID SHE HAD NO TIME FOR THE KIDS, AND THEIR NEEDS, AND THAT IS HOW THEY GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA AND PAIN TRAINING, BECAUSE SHE WAS EXPLAINING TO EILEEN ABOUT THE KIDS IN THE DARKS BEING HOLDERS OF TRAUMA, AND SHE WAS SAYING HOW SHE FEARED IF THEY STARTED REVEALING THEIR TRAUMAS, THAT THE FEELINGS WOULD OVERWHELM THE ADULTS. EILEEN REASSURRED THEM THAT SHE WASNT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. RAYNE CAME OUT AFTER A WHILE AND SHE WAS CALMER. SHE TOLD EILEEN THAT SHE FEELS SAFE NOW, AND TRUSTS EILEEN AND IS WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND BEGIN WORKING ON MEMORIES AND ON THE TRAUMA. EILEEN ASKED THEM TO MAKE A CONTRACT WITH HER, AND IT SAYS THAT IF THEY GET OVERWHELMED, OR FEELINGS COME UP THAT ARE HARD TO HANDLE, THAT THEY’LL CONTACT EILEEN, AND NOT SELF HARM OR DO DAMAGE INTERNALLY. THEY DID AGREE TO THIS. EILEEN SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE AND THEY CAN REACH HER ANY TIME, THROUGH TEXT, EMAIL OR BY PHONE. THAT WAS SO KIND OF HER. WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT SHE’S DOING THAT FOR US. RAYNE TOLD HER THAT SHE DIDNT FEEL WE’D SELF HARM NOW, EVEN IF WE FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES. THAT WE’VE NOT DONE IT IN A LONG TIME, AND WE DIDNT THINK WE’D START THAT HABIT UP AGAIN NOW. ITS GOOD THAT SHE’S AVAILABLE TO US IF WE NEED HER, THAT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE. SHE SAID WE NEED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE NEED TO DO THIS WORK SLOWLY. THE ADULTS NEED TO ALL BE ON BORD, IN ORDER TO WORK WITH THE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO ALSO SUPPORT THE KIDS. THATS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT I THINK WE CAN MANAGE IT. I’M HOPEFUL THAT WE CAN. EILEEN SAID THE DARK KIDS CAN EMAIL HER, BUT FOR THEM NOT TO DETAIL MEMORIES IN THE EMAIL, SINCE IT MAY OVERWHELM US, SHE SAID THOUGH IF THEY FEEL SAD, MAD, ETC THAT THEY CAN WRITE TO HER AND TELL HER HOW THEY FEEL. BUT THAT WE’LL DISCUSS THE TRAUMAS DURING OUR SESSIONS. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I’M GLAD WE’LL BE DOING THAT. IT FEELS LIKE A LOT OF PROGRESS WAS MADE TODAY. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW OUR SESSION WENT. IT CERTAINLY WASNT WHAT I EXPECTED. I WAS OUT AT THE START, AND I HAD TEXTED HER BEFORE GOING IN, TO SAY I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND THAT I HOPED SHE’D BE ABLE TO HELP ME. SHE’D TEXTED ME BACK SAYING WE’D WORK IT OUT AND FOR ME NOT TO WORRY. AND TRUE TO HER WORD, SHE DID WORK IT OUT AND I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HER. HER GENTLENESS AND KINDNESS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO SAFE, SO VALIDATED, SO LOVED. WHEN WE SAID WE FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO DO THE WORK NOW, AFTER 7 YEARS OF SEEING HER AND HER NOT LEAVING OR GOING ANYWHERE, SHE SAID, THATS A VERY BIG STATEMENT, AND ITS TRUE, IT WAS. BUT WE DO, WE FEEL THAT NOW ITS TIME, ITS TIME TO RELEASE SOME OF THE TRAUMAS, AND MEMORIES AND BEGIN TO HEAL AND BEGIN TO PROCESS THEM. EILEEN IS WITH US, SHE’S GOING TO BE THERE AND SHE WONT LET US FALL, SHE’LL HOLD US AND CATCH UP AND BE THERE FOR US THROUGH IT ALL. AND I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE HER. IT FEELS LIKE WE CAN DO THIS WITH HER BY OUR SIDE. WITH HER BY MY SIDE, I CAN CONQUER ANYTHING!

Awakened by thunder and rain

Its 5 AM! I got awakened by heavy rain, and now its also thundering, the kids are very triggered, I am trying to comfort them, nitro is also a little unsettled by the noise, so its a bit of a disaster here, and I am crabby because I am still tired.

I need a coffee and maybe then I’ll perk up! I did let nitro out in between the showers, but I hated having to stand by the back door in the dark. It bothered me.

I turned on the radio for a while to drown out the noise. Normally I like the sound of rain but not tonight, tonight there is too much going on, and I cant listen to it.

I might read for a while when things settle down, if they do settle down.

Now though off to make a nice cup of coffee and maybe catch up on some blog reading!

Back to therapy tomorrow!

We’re going back to therapy tomorrow! Yay!
I am so relieved!
I am relieved Eileen recovered quickly from her tummy bug!
Some of the insiders are not looking forward to therapy. I am, some of the kids are. Allie, Taylor, Lexi, all are.
Liz, not so much. I think because she has stuff going on for her. Stuff she needs to talk about.
We’re hoping that we wont lose our shit in the morning and end up going there in a bad state! Sometimes that happens for us!
I should probably text eileen in the morning before we leave. Let her know how we’re doing. Just so she knows what to expect.
Actually that is a good idea, I think I’ll do that.
Liz’s system, some of them are really panicking. They dont like talking about stuff. It feels like they shouldnt, they feel like its wrong to talk, even to eileen about their feelings, about whats coming up for them.
I’m sure once we get there they’ll calm down. Eileen has a great way of calming them down. She is really good at doing that.
Of course we arent able to relax tonight. Or sleep. Lucky for us we slept a little bit earlier. So we are wide awake now. Wide awake and mostly fretting and being emotional. Well Liz’s system are, and the feelings are filtering down to me.
I just am hoping that the session will be a good one tomorrow! Fingers crossed for us!

So nervous!

I am so nervous
I feel it all over my body
Nervous because
Of this time of year
I hate it
October is one of our worst months
Halloween
Comes and
We get so scared
Monsters are real
at least they were in our childhood
So much
bad stuff
happened on the lead up
to halloween night
all I want
is for the memories
to go away
take flight
and leave me be
its hard to live in fear
of being so overwhelmed
that you sink
emotionally

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/10/11/nervous/