Appointment with Dr. Barry didnt go to plan

So well, I went to see Dr. barry. But I didnt actually see her. I had to see a junior doctor, her name was Jennifer. She was extremely nice, very friendly. I never knw Dr. Barry wouldnt be there today. She didnt know either it seems. Jennifer told me one of Dr. Barrys team passed away suddenly and Dr. Barry was attending the funeral this morning, thats why she wasnt at her outpatient clinic. When Jennifer called me I first said to her that I wasnt going to see her. But then when she told me the circumstances and why she was calling me instead of Dr. Barry I decided I’d give her a chance. And I am so glad I did. It was so worth it. She said I didnt have to tell her stuff if I wasnt comfortable, that there would be no pressure and that I could just tell her what I wanted to, what I felt comfortable talking about. That put me at ease right away, so much so that I did end up telling her a lot of stuff. I told her about the abuser contacting us, and how distressing that was for me. She sympathised, and said how sorry she was that that had happened. I told her I had did, and she said that she had never met anyone with it, and she knew very little about it. But she was open, and she didnt try to stop me from talking about alters, about symptoms of did, etc. She let me say exactly what I wanted to say. For that I am very grateful. I told her about Emilys distress lately, about how she’s been throwing up after we eat. I’m not sure if I mentioned that here or not. I may have, but I am not sure if I did. So anyway, we talked about sleep, she was very interested in hearing about our sleep issues. We did ask her to refer us to the weekend team, but she said she’d need to ask the consultant who was covering for Dr. Barry. So she left the room to ask her, and I waited. When she came back, she said that they’d decided that on wednesday, she’d speak to Dr. Barry. Since she knows me, they wanted to leave it up to her as to whether she wanted to refer me to the weekend team. So she’s going to talk to her on wednesday and then if she refers me the team will contact me at the weekend. I said I was ok with that plan of action. I’d rather Dr. Barry makes the referral anyway, because she knows my history and she’ll know what issues to put on the referal form. I have another appointment to see Dr. Barry in two weeks. But Jennifer told me that if I did get suicidal or wanting to self harm, to either present to my GP or else go to the emergency room to be seen. I said I would. We did discuss suicidal thoughts, since we’ve been having those too lately. And since the contact last week, they’ve gotten worse. I told her I was seeing Eileen tomorrow, and we’ll discuss all of this stuff. Thank god for Eileen. Where would I be without her? I dont actually know how I’d cope. I probably would be in the hospital now if I didnt have her. She’s a life saver and I am so grateful to have her. I do hope Dr. Barry refers me to the weekend team. Or else maybe she’ll ask Sarah to call me. I wont know until later in the week what the outcome will be. But I am glad I decided to give Jennifer a chance. I’ve decided that she’s going to make a really good doctor. She seems so open and willing to learn. Thats how a doctor should be. Some arent though. I am sad we didnt see dr. barry today though. But that couldnt be helped. Usually if she wasnt going to be there someone would call me to let me know. They must have forgot. Its ok though, I managed, I am actually very proud of myself for seeing ennifer, that was huge for me. I never see junior doctors. That was a big step for me to take, but I’m happy I did it.

NOT DOING SO WELL

HI GUYS
ITS LIZ HERE. WE DIDNT MENTION IT HERE BUT…
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, ONE OF OUR MAIN ABUSERS, CONTACTED US VIA PHONE, AND EMAIL. THEY TRIGGERED RUBY AND SASSY, WHO IN TURN WROTE EILEEN, VERY UPSET. THEY WERE VERY DISTRESSED. AND VERY TRIGGERED.
THEY ARE ONLY 13, BOTH OF THEM ARE 13. WE SPENT THURSDAY NIGHT IN AGONY, IN SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND IN A HIGHLY TRIGGERED STATE.
SO ON FRIDAY WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS PLACE. WE WERE GOING THERE ANYWAY, BUT THE FACT THAT THIS HAPPENED, MADE US WANT TO GET OUT OF OUR OWN HOUSE, AND GO TO OUR PARENTS TO BE SAFE. WE JUST WANTED TO FEEL SAFE.
WE HAVENT HAD ANY MORE CONTACT, SINCE WE GOT BACK HOME. THANK FUCK! I WAS SO SCARED TO COME BACK HOME! I AM AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS, AS YOU WOULD BE. I MEAN, THEY DID AWFUL THINGS TO US, AND I AM AFRAID OF THEM.
TOMORROW WELL TODAY NOW AS ITS ALREADY MONDAY MORNING HERE, WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY. I AM PLANNING ON SPEAKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. I AM PLANNING ON ASKING HER FOR SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AS OUR MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD LATELY. THE ANXIETY HAS BEEN SUPER BAD, AND THIS LATEST INCIDENT OF CONTACT FROM AN ABUSER HASNT HELPED IT.
I AM GOING TO ASK HER IF SHE’LL EITHER PUT SUPPORT IN FROM THE WEEKEND TEAM, OR FROM OUR CPN SARAH. THE WEEKEND TEAM ARE A MENTAL HEALTH TEAM WHO CONTACT YOU OVER THE WEEKEND, THEY’LL CALL TO YOUR HOUSE, TO SUPPORT YOU. THEY CAN ALSO GIVE SUPPORT OVER THE PHONE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS GOING TO GET TOUGH. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH IN ILL HEALTH. MOM HAS COPD, AND MY DAD HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS, BRITTLE BONES, ARTERITIS, AND HE CAN BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE AROUND AT TIMES.
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY HOME SOME WEEKENDS, AND NOT GO TO THEIR HOUSE.
I STILL WANT TO DO THAT. BUT I CANT HAVE ALTERS BEING TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CALLING, AND MAYBE EVEN SHOWING UP AT OUR DOOR. THE LITTLES WOULD OPEN IT WITHOUT HESITATION, THANK GOD EILEEN IS WORKING WITH THEM ON NOT DOING THAT.
BUT IF THE WEEKEND TEAM GAVE US SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AT LEAST WE’D HAVE THEM CALLING AND CHECKING IN ON US. WHICH WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.
I’M PRETTY SURE DR. BARRY WILL APPROVE THAT SUPPORT. SHE KNOWS WE WOULDNT ASK UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT, OR WE WERE DESPERATE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TODAY. WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOMS ILLNESS, ABOUT APPLYING FOR MORE PA HOURS, AND ABOUT THIS MOST RECENT CONTACT, ABOUT OUR SLEEP, EMOTIONAL STATE, ETC.
I FIND MYSELF JUMPING AT EVERY SOUND. I AM LISTENING OUT FOR UNKNOWN SOUNDS. WHEN I HEAR ANY UNFAMILIAR SOUND, I AM STARTING TO SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY. I AM SO FEARFUL. ITS NO WAY TO BE OR LIVE.
SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT!
I’LL LET YA’LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON WHEN WE SEE DR. BARRY!
LIZ

the anxiety monster is rearing its ugly head again…

Anxiety! Fuck! I’m so so anxious!

I’m shaking like a leaf! I have palpitations, and my heart is pounding!

this is no fun, no fun at all!

I am seriously fed up with the massive amounts of anxiety that hits me at night. But what to do! I do everything I can to distract from it!

I wish I knew how to fix it!

I feel so out of it right now! Not sleeping at all either! Its gone midnight here now!

I just hope the anxiety monster lets up soon!

The meds made me sleepy!

Last night, I took 25 mg of fenergan, 2 mg of clonadine, and my regular night meds, before bed.
I wanted to watch operation transformation, which was on at 9:35. I started to watch it, but 10 mins in I fell into a deep sleep.
The meds made me so so sleepy!
I woke when it was over! And I went straight to bed then.
I slept all night! I woke up at 2:30 but I wasnt able to stay awake, so I went back to sleep again.
I woke again at 6:30, feeling so out of it!
I dont think I’m going to take the fenergan again, unless its absolutely necessary. I hate how it makes me feel.
Now, I’ve had a couple cups of coffee, so that grogginess has passed.
thank god!

Messed up sleep schedule

I really need to quit napping by day. I dont get a lot of sleep, so I’ve been sleeping when I can. I know this is bad though. I know I should only nap for an hour or two max, if I do nap. I should set an alarm or something to wake me up and then just get up and stay awake until a decent hour. I napped earlier this afternoon, and now its 2 AM and I am wide awake. I woke up at about 1 AM. I did go to bed early, at around 9:30. But I couldnt settle, even though I was super tired. Has anyone got any tips, on what you do? Do you have a decent sleep schedule? Or do you sleep at funny hours? I cant be the only one who does can I? I doubt I’m going to go back to sleep now. I will probably stay up and read. Its a vicious circle though as I am busy this morning with slimming world, then I work on friendly call in the afternoon, so by 5 PM I’ll be done in. All I will want to do then is rest. I’ll try to stay up until 10 pm or so though I think. I have to get my sleep schedule back on track. I just have to. I know it isnt good to be asleep during the day and awake at night. And they also say weight gain is atributed to getting little sleep. If I want to lose weight I need to look after my body. I’m just so tired of fighting this sleep thing. Its just getting me down a lot. Sometimes I’ll sleep for 12 hours, its rare, but it does happen, especially when I am at my parents house. I love when I can do that. I feel so refreshed the next day when I get a good number of hours of sleep the previous night.

God anxietys back

its 4:13 and I cant sleep. I went to bed just after midnight, but I woke up again at 2:30. I’ve been awake since then.

I’m going crazy. I am super anxious. Not sure what is causing it. Other than not going to therapy this morning, that is probably causing some of it, with kids inside feeling sad that we’re not going to see Eileen today.

I’ve made a cup of tea. I hope it helps.

Just so sad

hhihihii its Emily
im just so sad
my heart hurts
ive been crying a lot
I cant stop
I feel numb
and theres a heavy weight too
weighing me down
I cant wait to go to therapy
I don’t like when I feel this way
life feels unmanageable
unbearable even
night time sucks
I hate it
I think i’ll go pet nitro
he makes me happy
hes such a cute dog
love him to bits
butterfly hugs
love
Emily age 12