Wide-awake

Cant sleep can sleep. Cant stop thinking about saying goodbye to Karen this morning. My thoughts are racing. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. My anxiety is through the roof. Feeling so nauseous like I want to throw up. Emotions all over the place. Is anyone awake? Could really use some support.

its allie

its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.

i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.

why is night time so hard?

I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.

allie

still sad still hurting

its me allie and tonight i am sad. my heart is hurting. i cant get it to stop hurting. i am just sad. everything is feeling so hopeless. i want to change and be happy and be positive. i realy would like it if i could be happy. but i just cry and feel sad and get mad and feel angry and then am sad because i broke my stuff or was mean to someone. when i get angry i am mean and then i hate mysef because i was mean. and then it makes me wish i was dead. and one time i told eileen to just go ahead and kill me. i was crying in her office and having a melt down and i told her to kill me and i sat on the floor and just melted down. she didnt obviously but it was so scary to me just to feel like that. it was one of the scariest times i had besides the abuse i went thorugh. i hate having melt downs buti have a lot of them. can anyone relate? does anyone have melt downs? i hope someone can understand what it feels like because i hate being alone. i do stuff to get dr. barrys and eileens attention sometimes too. when we were hospitalised the last time and dr. barry went on holiday i stopped eating. i stopped eating because i thought if i didnt eat the nurses would call dr. barry and she’d have to come back. but they didnt do that. i did end up telling dr. barry what i’d done. she understood and she was really nice to me about it and she said i ended up hurting myself and she was encouraging me to not do things like that. am i bad? i dont want to be bad. i just hurt so much. i just want dr. barry and eileen. nobody else will do.

i wish i wasnt me

hi its allie. and i am sad. very very sad. and scared. i cant sleep. and i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was someone else. and i wish i had a forever mom. my mom bio mom hates me. she doesnt like or love any of us young insiders. she only likes the adult parts. it makes my heart so sad. i hurt. i want eileen or dr. barry to be my forever mom. they are caring. they are loving. i know they love me because they tell me. they show me by their actions. they pat my arm. or my shoulder. or talk softly to us. or say kind things like calling us pet or hun or telling us to have a good week, take care, stuff like that. our mom doesnt do any of that. ok she does practical things like housework and stuff but i dont want a mom like that i want a mom who will talk to me about hard stuff, play with me, be there for me when i feel sad and cry and am lonely. right now i dont want to be me. i realy realy dont. i’d like to run away. run far far away. but i cant. i am stuck. i cant move. i am trapped. i feel like i cant move like this is one big nightmare.
allie 9

DONE, I’M DONE!

FUCK IT I AM DONE I AM SO OVER SHIT NIGHTS AND SHIT DAYS FLASHBACKS THEY ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I’M SO DONE WITH THEM OH MY GOD SO SOOO DONE SO OVER THEM I AM JUST IN A RAGE I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS HOW DARE THEY TAKE SO MUCH FROM ME MY CHILDHOOD MY INNOCENCE MY SPIRIT BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKERS I STILLL HAVE MY DETERMINATION AND I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I STILL HAVE FIGHT IN ME AND GOD BUT YOUR NOT GONNA WIN THIS WAR I WILL WIN IF I HAVET TO DO A LOT TO TAKE YOU DOWN THEN I WILL YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS FIGHT YOU HAVE HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR FAR TOO LONG NO MORE NO MORE YOU HEAR ME? FUCK OFF, GO TO HELL, JUST LEAVE US ALONE ALL OF YOU ABUSERS, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, TRAUMA, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
LIZ

Hopeless

i feel sad and hopeless. my heart just hurts. someone please sit with me. i am scared. lonely and scared and sad and feeling afraid and alone and like its hard to breathe. i need a friend. i need someone to love me. i am remembering lots of bad things and feeling gross and disgusting and like i am bad and unlovable and like everyone hates me.
allie