I managed to sleep for about 40 mins, woke up feeling so triggered, had a horrible nightmare, felt bugs crawling all over me, the prazacin i took tonight obviously isnt helping, hate this, triggers suck so much.
“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”
all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.
i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.
but she said no. a firm no.
“why would i go”
“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”
“its pointless me going”
nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.
I REALLY WANT TO CUT TONIGHT. I AM HAVING BAD THOUGHTS. MY HEADS FEELS JUMBLED. AND FULL. SO, SO FULL. I NEED TO FEEL THE RELEASE. I’M TRYING HARD NOT TO DO IT. ITS GONE PAST 3 AM. I FEEL LIKE I AM FULL OF ENERGY. RED HOT ENERGY. AND THE URGE TO SELF HARM IS SO STRONG. I THINK ITS JUST BECAUSE BIG FEELINGS ARE COMING UP FOR ME. FEELINGS I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH. SIGH, THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING ISNT THERE?
i watch my dad
more than he loved me
his little girl
i watched as he drank
himself into an oblivion
more times than i care to count
then the lies would start
dont tell mom
its just one drink
i can manage it
it has not taken me over
the sad thing was though
it had, and to this day
it still does
no he may not drink as much
but even getting sorosis of the liver
didnt stop him
he stayed away from drink for 4 years
but an invitation to a wedding and he was back on it again
lies, oh so many lies
yes means no
maybe means never
i’m sorry means nothing at all
I AM A WRECK. I EMAILED EILEEN LAST NIGHT IN DISTRESS. I THOUGHT SHE’D EMAIL ME BACK. SHE DIDNT. I FEEL REJECTED. I REALLY NEEDED HER TO EMAIL ME. I NEEDED HER REASSURANCE THAT I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE’VE HAD SO MANY BIG CHANGES LATELY. ITS REALLY EFFECTING ME BIG TIME. I NEEDED TO HEAR HER TELL ME WE’LL GET THROUGH IT. AND THE CHANGES WONT KILL ME. BUT SHE NEVER EMAILED BACK, MAYBE I SHOULDNT HAVE EMAILED. I TOOK A RISK IN REACHING OUT. I SAID A LOT IN THE EMAIL. I WAS VULNERABLE. I HATE BEING VULNERABLE. I REALLY, REALLY DO. I FEEL SO CRUSHED THAT SHE NEVER RESPONDED TO ME. OVER 24 HOURS HAS PASSED NOW SINCE I SENT THE EMAIL. PROBABLY SHE WONT RESPOND TO ME NOW.
i feel sad. i dont know why. i just feel sad. has that ever happened to you?
i dont like it. i dont like the way my tummy feels. or the way my heart feels so sad. sad and hurting.
i think i will cuddle my stuff tiger. she is a white bengal tiger. those are my favourite.
maybe if i cuddle her and wrap up in a warm blanket it will start to feel safe and i will start to feel better again.
YEAH, GUYS, HE HAS, MY DAD, GONE AND FUCKING PISSED ME OFF AND HE’S LUCKY I DONT BEAT HIM WITH A FUCKING CHAIR OR SOMETHING, OK, THAT MIGHT BE A TAD O T T, BUT I AM THIS MAD WITH HIM, THAT I ACTUALLY COULD HARM HIM, SO I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE WAY!
EARLIER TODAY, MOM AND ME WERE FILLING OUT FORMS. THEY WERE FORMS ABOUT OUR BENEFITS. BEING A PRICK, AND THINKING HE KNOWS BEST, HE KEPT BUTTING IN, TELLING US WHAT TO DO, I TOLD HIM TO BUTT OUT NICELY, HE DIDNT, I YELLED AT HIM, HE YELLED AT ME, TRIGGERED THE HELL OUTA SOME OF THE YOUNGER INSIDERS HERE WITH HIS SUPER LOUD VOICE.
SO HE THEN PROCEEDS TO CALL MOM AND ME STUPID. AND HE SAID WE ARE THICK, AND TO LEAVE THE FORMS FOR HIM TO FILL OUT HIMSELF, BECAUSE WE HAVENT A CLUE WHAT WE ARE DOING.
BY THIS POINT, I WAS FURIOUS. I YELLED AT HIM SOME MORE, I COULD FEEL MY TEMPER RISING AND RISING. MY MOM HATES CONFLICT, SO SHE WAS TRYING TO BE THE PEACEMAKER.
IN THE END I WALKED OUT, I LEFT HIM GOING ON AND ON STILL ABOUT IT, TALKING TO NOBODY, AS BY THIS STAGE NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO HIM ANY MORE.
WHY IS MY FAMILY SO DISFUNCTIONAL, I FEEL SO ASHAMED OF HIS BEHAVIOUR AND OF MINE TOO…
HOW COULD HE CALL HIS OWN WIFE AND DAUGHTER THICK AND STUPID?