im feeling like shit. had an argument with my parents. my dad said i am never happy. thats so not true. i am happy with how my life is right now. the argument was over my pa. i am not liking the current one. and my dad said i had a lovely pa and when i went to do the ILS course I lost her. and he was saying how I shouldnt have gone to do that course. that I gave up a good thing. yes maybe i did. in fact i know i did. but I had to do that course. It was something I had to do for myself. I hate arguments and arguing. It triggers me. There was a lot of yelling, the dogs even got nervous. I just dont like yelling it brings up too many memories. Its over now thank god. I escaped to the bedroom and am now sitting just thinking and trying to read some peoples blogs. It doesnt help that tonight is so hard for us anyway what with it being summer solstace, we’re already really triggered by that due to us being ritual abuse survivors. Ug sigh. Life just sucks tonight.
thats how much sleep i got. i’m exhausted. i am definitely going to try to nap today at some point. i have to. i barely was able to get up. its almost 8 AM now. i had to really push myself to get out of bed. nitro needs to be fed and i need to book my taxi to go to therapy. i’ll be going to therapy at 9:30. for a 10 AM apt. i’m anxious about therapy. am looking forward to actually seeing eileen but just anxious about what is going to come up today. i think i’ll allow the kids to bring their new book and she can read it to them. and we can record it. that will be good. just still feeling quite emotional this morning. can feel liz’s emotional turmoil seeping through to some of the rest of us. liz is doing somewhat better, but she’s still not fully ok. i think fathers day triggered her more than she’s letting on. she doesnt really get along with our dad. she never has. when we were a teen they had a lot of clashes, their personalities are too similar. when i get home from therapy i think i’m going to read, and finish up my book. i have 9 chapters to read. there are 20 chapters, i’m now starting chapter 11. thats if i dont fall asleep while reading. anyway. better go on and ring to book my taxi. catch yall later.
I FEEL SAD DONT KNOW WHATS UP WITH ME TONIGHT I JUST FEEL BAD TONIGHT FEEL INSECURE AND DEPRESSED SAD AND ALONE NUMB AND EMOTIONAL ALL AT ONCE IT SUCKS I HATE IT I WISH I COULD TURN OFF MY FEELINGS I WOULD REALLY LOVE IT IF I COULD DO THAT BUT I CANT I JUST HAVE TO GRIN AND BEAR IT I GUESS I WISH WE COULD TALK TO JESS THATS CAROL ANNES PARTNER I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE IS SHE IS STILL IN RESIDENTIAL IN A FACILITY BUT SHE HAS HER PHONE TURNED OFF AND WE TRIED RINGING THE PATIENT PHONE BUT NOBODYS ANSWERING IT SO WE HAVENT TALKED TO HER IN A FEW MONTHS AND WE MISS HER IN FACT I MISS HER WHOLE SYSTEM SHES MULTIPLE TOO ANYWAY OH WELL WHAT DO YOU DO NOTHING I GUESS BETTER GO TAKE MY MEDS NOW
THERAPY TODAY WAS HARD. WE WERE TALKING A LOT ABOUT TIME LOSS And US LOSING TIME.
WE SEEM TO BE LOSING QUITE A LOT OF TIME. THIS IS BECAUSE SOME INSIDERS WHO HAVENT BEEN OUT IN YEARS ARE NOW STARTING TO COME OUT MORE.
THEN WHEN THAT HAPPENS WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND IT IS VERY DISCONCERTING.
EILEEN TALKED TO A FEW OF THEM ABOUT THE REASONS WHY THEY ARE STARTING TO COME OUT NOW.
IT EMERGED THAT SOME OF THEM ARE BEING TRIGGERED OUT AND IN MAY WERE TRIGGERED BY CONTACT FROM A PAST ABUSER. BUT ITS NOT ALL ABOUT CONTACT FROM PAST ABUSERS. WHILE THAT WAS WHAT STARTED IT IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE FACT THAT WE’RE NOW LOOKING MORE INDEPTHLY AT THINGS IN THERAPY IS SCARING SOME OF THEM.
THEY ARE AFRAID OF THERAPY. AFRAID OF TRUSTING EILEEN. AFRAID TO BUILD UP A BOND WITH HER. AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PAST. AFRAID OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEM IF THEY DO.
THANK GOD EILEEN WAS ABLE TO REASSURE THEM. SHE DID A TERRIFIC JOB OF DOING THAT. I DONT KNOW WHERE WE’D BE WITHOUT HER HELP.
SHE ASKED ME TO HELP THEM BY SHOWING THEM OUR LIFE NOW, SHOWING THEM THINGS THAT WE ARE DOING IN THE PRESENT, AND HELPING THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE FREE, AND THIS IS 2018. SO I SAID I WOULD.
AND I HAVE BEEN DOING IT. WE’RE GOING TO WORK OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS WITH SOME OF THESE TRIGGERED INSIDERS.
EILEEN SAID WE NEED TO HELP THEM TO SEE THAT WE ARE SAFE NOW. THAT THEY DONT NEED TO COME OUT UNAWARES TO EVERYONE ELSE AND DO THINGS WHILE OUT THAT MIGHT PUT US IN DANGER.
SHE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THE REALITY IS THAT WE ARE SHARING A BODY, AND IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US WHEN ONE OF THEM IS OUT AND DOING DANGEROUS THINGS, THEN WE ALL COULD END UP DEAD. THAT SHOCKED THEM. I DONT THINK THEY WERE EXPECTING THAT BIT OF INFO. BUT ITS GOOD SHE TOLD THEM I THINK.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION TODAY BUT VERY HARD. SOME OF THE INSIDERS WHO TALKED TO HER MIGHT WRITE LATER ABOUT IT. THEY JUST ARE NOT SURE RIGHT NOW, THEY DONT KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE AND ARE QUITE TRIGGERED AND SCARED TO OPEN UP TO ANYONE.
I fell asleep last night around 2 AM. once I went to sleep though I stayed asleep. was glad about that.
I stayed in bed really late today, until 11:30. mostly because I didn’t wanna face the day.
I figured if I didn’t get up then the day would just pass me by and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
finally though I got up and ate. spent time being with my mom and sister. my sister took our dad to visit his brother in the nursing home, and moms going to pick up my nephew from school. so I have the house to myself for a little while at least.
I’m trying not to think about today being may 1st. its working to a degree. of course logically I know it is may 1st. but am just trying to focus on other things, and keep th e memories of awful things that happened away.
wish me luck…
LIZ HERE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO OUR BLOG, OR NEW TO KNOWING SOMEONE WITH DID, I WILL EXPLAIN SOMETHING HERE ABOUT US, WE ARE A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUALISTIC ABUSE.
WE WENT THROUGH SRA FOR 12 YEARS. FROM THE TIME WE WERE 5 YEARS OLD UNTIL WE WERE 17.
WE WERE PART OF A CULT, AND IT WAS EXTREMELY BRUTAL AND TRAUMATISING.
SO ON MAY 1ST, ITS BELTANE. A SRA HOLIDAY. AND WE ARE EXTREMELY SCARED OF ALL SRA HOLIDAYS. TRIGGERED BY THEM TOO.
I’VE NOTICED I HAVE BEEN GETTING A TON OF MEMORIES BACK LATELY ABOUT THE SRA. MEMORIES I DIDNT EVEN KNOW ABOUT. MEMORIES I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PROCESS UNSUCCESSFULLY.
SO TOMORROW WHEN I GO TO THERAPY I AM GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN ABOUT THEM. MAYBE NOT PROCESS ANY BECAUSE WE ARENT DOING ANY PROCESSING RIGHT NOW, BUT EVEN TO JUST SIMPLY TALK ABOUT THE SRA TRIGGERS WILL BE GOOD I THINK.
I THINK I WILL BENEFIT FROM DOING THAT.
I’M FED UP OF NIGHTS OF NO SLEEP, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, AND BEING TRIGGERED.
ITS NO FUN AND REALLY JUST FUCKING SUCKS.
I GIVE UP. I CANT TAKE ANY MORE. I’M DONE. I’M JUST SOOO DONE.
THE MEMORIES ARE JUST, TOO MUCH. I FEEL LIKE SHIT ALL THE TIME.
FUCK, FUCK, HATE IT.
JUST WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT. AND YEAH TRIGGERS FUCKING SUCK.