What has helped you most in your healing, and how has it helped?
Well today Nova has given us the word vatic, google told me it meant describing or predicting what will happen in the future.
I do this a lot! I am forever trying to see into the future!
I know I shouldnt, I know I should live in the now. And actually, today in therapy we talked a little bit about that. We were discussing going for the smear test, and Eileen said to me, its a very present day thing, its happening now, and even though there are insiders in your system who are remembering things from the past, abuse from their past, that we need to live for now, be in the now, and having that test today was very much in the here and now!
It was my 39 year old self doing that!
I didnt try to predict what was going to happen after the test, eileen said we needed to break it down, into two parts. having the test today, and the results of it which I will get in a few months. No one knows what those results will tell me, there really is no point in trying to be vatic, I should just wait and see what happens!
I can do it! I am not going to think about it now! I will just go on with my life, and not try to foresee the future ahead of me!
so I had my smear test today. It went well. I was ok, I managed to be ok for it, I wasnt too triggered during it, although I was a bit freaked out. But my mom was with me, she stayed in the room with me the entire time which I was glad about.
We had talked in therapy about it, so that had helped a little. Eileen had told me what to expect, and Eileen is a nurse, so I was reassured by her. she had told me it doesnt hurt, and for the most part it didnt, although I did feel some pressure while the nurse put the speculum inside me.
Anyway. we got there early and the nurse didnt keep me waiting. she took me straight in to the room. she was a very kind nurse, she explained everything to me. she was also very disability aware, having a sister who has downs syndrome. So she explained things, and asked me a few questions. One question she asked me was about sex, had I had intercourse in the past. that was a little embarrassing to answer in front of mom, but I did answer it truthfully.
then she had me strip off,and she had me lie on the examining table. I felt very exposed, but she did put a paper towel over me to cover me a little bit. She started talking to me about holidays, the weather and other stuff as she proceeded to start doing the test.
I did flinch a little during it, as I said there was pressure, and it did hurt as she pushed the speculum inside me. But I breathed through it, and before I knew it it was over. And I was able to get dressed again. I did bleed after the test, but she said thats pretty normal, and for me not to worry about it.
She said since I’d bled afterwords that she would tick the box that says suspicious cervix, and that would mean I’d automatically be referred to the gyn clinic for further treatment and testing, but it could still take anything up to 2 months for me to get a letter with an appointment in it.
She did say it was concerning how I’d gotten a period again after so long, but that if I have some ovary tissue left, that I am still producing hormones, and the lining of my womb could be thickening and maybe that is why it happened, but any post menapausal bleeding needs to be checked out.
so that was that. we left and i know now what to expect. As for the results of the smear that will also take a while. eileen had said I could text her after I had the test, so I did. I just told her how it all went, and what happened during it , and within the hour she texted me back and said how proud of me she was and she also said well done for getting through it.
I am proud of myself for getting through that. I didnt think I could do it.
I am again participating in Lindas socs prompt this week!
I shall just see where the prompt takes me! 😀
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is co- Find a word that uses co as a prefix and use it in your post. Have fun!
Coffee! Of course you knew I’d choose that didnt you? Lol 😀
Its now 5:37 AM! I woke up a half hour ago. I didnt go to bed until after 2 AM. I was watching a couple episodes of a show called I survived. Its a reality type show, about people who survived horrific things, beat the odds, and survived despite everything.
It was a great show! I really enjoyed it. I love reality tv!
The little sleep I did get, was enough! I am not even tired now. I am so pleased because I have therapy this morning! I am so happy I will see Eileen again! First though I shall have a couple mugs of coffee. I need a pick me up!
I will be going home to my own house today after therapy. My sisters going to take me. I have some groceries to bring home, and of course there is Nitro too. What we’ll do is drop nitro off, and my groceries, and then I need to go back to moms for a bit, as I have my smear test today at my gp’s. I am so nervous, I hate having to have this done! But I know its necessary, I am just dreading it!
If you pray please pray I will get through it and be ok! I need all the prayers I can get!I am a nervous wreck!
Lets just hope its over quickly! And that its painless, mom said its just a pinch so we’ll see! Its not really the pain I am nervous about, its the actual having someone examine me down there!
I’ll post later to let you know how it went! If you can just keep me in your thoughts and prayers it will be so appreciated!
I am feeling unstable at the moment, very much so, so in order to look after me, and my mental wellbeing, I will do some stuff to try to break out of the func I am currently in!
The first thing I will do is write a post answering laura of laura venturini’s weekly song challenge! Thanks for tagging me Laura!
After that, I will go make a cup of tea, because I am not able to sleep, and hot tea soothes me. And it soothes my alters, so tea it is!
Then, I might have a snuggle with nitro, if I can get him to wake up! He always makes me feel better. I am sure he wont object if I want to pet him and snuggle him! He loves pets and scratches!
After that, I think I’ll read a chapter or two of my book. Maybe have a shower, maybe put on some nice smelling lotion, I have my lovely rose scented one, that always reminds me of my therapist eileen, who I miss a lot right now!
I will be ok! I am not giving up or giving in to the darkness or dark emotions and thoughts!I can beat them! I got this! I can do it!
I am strong! I am courageous! I am a fighter!
numb to the bone
i feel so alone
long sharp breath
fear grips me
i cant see
now what do I do?
Just like glue?
Where to go from here?
Oh, who cares!
Its all the same
Isolated, feeling ashamed
Dont know why
All I want to do is cry!
Do you like watching true crime shows? Or do they upset or trigger you?