well ya’ll will be happy to know, I am no longer feeling triggered. Big sigh!
So thrilled, mostly I managed to defuse it on my own.
I watched tv, and later in the evening I took a hot shower.
I washed with my fave soap and glory shower gel, it smells soooo good!
It grounded me. I felt so much better after the shower.
Nothing like a hot shower to soothe your soul.
I cuddled with nitro, I read the blogs of some of you, I still have a lot to catch up on but I am slowly getting through the posts.
Its almost 1 AM. I doubt I sleep tonight. I think I got way too much sleep this weekend. I slept a lot. Its ok though if I don’t sleep tonight. I wont worry about it.
Tomorrow is an easyish day. I do need to go volunteering though. I’ll get there though. I’ll manage even if I don’t sleep much tonight.
Just happy I defused the triggers on my own.
so without going into to much detail, something has just really triggered me.
I’m trying to ignore the trigger. I’ve turned on Irelands got talent and am watching that. Trying to stay distracted.
Not sure its really working but I’m trying at least.
My thoughts are a bit all over the place though. Moods going haywire. Up and down and all around.
I just hope this doesn’t last too long. Damn triggers. I hate them.
hhihih it me Emily
I’m struggling tonight. I feel so gross. I feel unlovable. fat. ugly. and I hate how I feel. and I hate my body.
it disgusts me. I hate how I look. I know we are losing weight. and people have noticed it. commented that we are looking fab. I don’t see it though.
I just feel so sad. sad and lonely and unloved and unseen in my struggle.
Emily age 12
so i still feel like shit. absolute crapola.
cant seemm to get warm. shivering with cold, then all of a sudden boiling up. but i dont have a fever.
so go figure.
i’ve been resting on my bed, just taking things easy.
taking lemsip and using an oil that you sniff to clear the airways in your nose.
feeling so freaking triggered. its a nightmare.
trying to stay present and adult so the kids arent set off.
its hard, though. very hard.
I took 3 lemsip today. I have two left for tomorrow because there’s only 5 in a box.
they are for cold and flu. I hope they will make me feel a little better by morning.
ITS ME, PIXIE. YESTERDAY I HAD MOST OF OUR THERAPY SESSION. IT WAS SO HARD. I WAS NOT IN A GOOD PLACE EMOTIONALLY. I WAS DEPRESS, FELT HOPELESS. EILEEN TOLD ME THOUGH THAT THE HOPELESSNESS IS ACTUALLY A MEMORY SURFACING. THAT THATS NOT ME. THAT ITS A YOUNGER PART OF ME. AND YOU KNOW, SHE’S RIGHT. BECAUSE I FELT A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME RIGHT THERE RIGHT THEN. SHE WAS ABOUT 16. AND SHE FELT SO HOPELESS, TRAPPED, LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. YOU SEE, THE ABUSE CAME OUT WHEN OUR BODY WAS 14, THAT IS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE WAS REVEALED. BUT, YEAH THERE IS A BUT. IT DID NOT END. WE WERE LEFT IN THE BORDING SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER YEAR AFTER THE INITIAL DISCLOSURES. WHY, YOU MAY ASK. TRUTHFULLY, I DONT KNOW. IM NOT SURE WHY OUR MOM CHOSE TO SEND US BACK THERE, ITS SOMETHING WE HAVENT FORGIVEN HER FOR. BUT WE WERE LEFT THERE, AND THE ABUSE CONTINUED, AND NOT ONLY DID IT CONTINUE BUT IT GOT WORSE. WORSE BECAUSE WE CHOSE TO TELL SOMEONE. WE CHOSE TO TRY TO GET OUT, TRY TO GET HELP. BUT WE WERE WRONG. WE DIDNT DESERVE THE HELP. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE THINKS. ALL SHE CAN SEE IS THAT SHE’S TRAPPED, AND THERE IS NO WAY OUT. SHE HAS TO STAY IN THE ABUSIVE SITUATION EVEN LONGER. NO ONE CARED. NO ONE TRIED TO HELP HER. NO ONE GAVE A FUCK. NO ONE CARE IF SHE DIED, OR LIVED. SO YESTERDAY IN THERAPY SHE WAS REALLY NEAR THE SURFACE. EILEEN SAID SHE’D WORK WITH ME ON TRYING TO GROUND HER INTO THE PRESENT. AND I SAID I’D TRY IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP HER FEEL BETTER. BECAUSE THE HOPELESSNESS IS HORRIBLE, AND EFFECTS ME AND I HATE IT. THE FEELINGS ARE SO SCARY. BIG AND SCARY. AND UNMANAGEABLE. SO WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. AND IT WENT WELL. I MANAGED TO SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. OUR HOUSE AND WHILE WE SHOWED HER DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF OUR LIFE NOW EILEEN ALSO TALKED TO ME, KEEPING ME ANCHORED TO THE PRESENT. SHE HAD ME FLASH BACK A FEW TIMES TO 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE’S MEMORIES. BUT SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK, I TRIED TO FLASH BACK ON MY OWN BUT I GOT STUCK, I COULDNT COME BACK OUT OF THE MEMORIES ON MY OWN, I NEEDED EILEENS HELP TO DO IT. BUT YEAH. IT WAS A VERY INTENSE SESSION. WHEN WE GOT DONE WITH THE EMDR I TALKED TO EILEEN FOR A WHILE ABOUT MY OWN INTERESTS. ABOUT HOW I LIKE TO TRAVEL. ABOUT HOW WHEN I WENT TO AMERICA TO MEET OUR NOW PARTNER WELL CAROL ANNES PARTNER WE HAD SO MUCH FUN BECAUSE SHE’S MULTIPLE TOO AND IT WAS NICE TO JUST HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER MULTIPLE WHO REALLY TRULY GETS IT AND GETS US. THAT WAS SO COOL. WE WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKING FOR HOURS. I HAVE FRIENDS IN THEIR SYSTEM AND WE’D HANG OUT AND DRINK HARD LEMONADE AND PLAY MUSIC AND WATCH SOUTH PARK. IT WAS COOL. EILEEN HAD ME WORK WITH THE PULSERS TOO FOR A WHILE BRINGING UP THE GOOD MEMORIES OF TRAVELING TO AMERICA AND WORKING WITH THOSE. SO YEAH IT WAS A VERY GOOD SESSION. AND BY THE END THE 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE WAS CALMER. WHICH WAS NICE. WE LEFT FEELING A LOT CALMER. WELL SO THATS GOOD, RIGHT?
well i know i said earlier i was gonna stay up. but in the end i didnt. i went back to bed. my head started hurting and i was really triggered with not being able to breathe. i stayed up for like an hour or so and then i figured i’d make an attempt to try to go back to sleep again. and it worked. well when i say it worked i tossed and turned and my phone kept blinging with notifications but i did sleep. then at 5 AM my friend rose texted me, and then rang me. she’s in a little bit of a crisis at the moment. she has bpd and anxiety and depression, amixture of all 3. she needed someone to talk to. i didnt really mind as i was just lying there awake anyway so its not like she woke me up. we talked for an hour. i hope it helped her. now i’ve just made coffee and got dressed even though its only 6 AM. at least my nose is clear right now, its not all plugged up. i hope it stays that way for a while. i have some time before breakfast as breakfast isnt until 8 AM. I will just go online and then at 7 let nitro out and feed him and stuff. i hope you’ve all had a pretty good evening and night, and if its still night for you I hope your trying to sleep.
i went right back to bed almost straight after writing and posting the last few posts. It was like 10:30 when I went back to bed and I went right to sleep again. I think I’m coming down with a nasty head cold. I feel very off. My nose is all blocked up and I am just feeling really blah. I woke unable to breathe properly and very triggered. So I have made some tea. I am hopeful that will help. I think I’ll stay up now. Between the nap I took from 7:15 until 9:15, and then again from 10:30 until just now, I think I’ve gotten enough sleep tonight. Thats almost 7 hours worth. That is really more than enough for me to function properly tomorrow. I wonder what gave me this cold? I dont think I’ve been around anyone lately who is sick with a flu or cold. So I dont know why I feel so bad. Well I’ll leave it there for now…Hoping your all having a nice evening?