i had a great apt with dr. barry yesterday. we mostly talked about me starting the independent living skills course. i told her i have been trying to implement some things so that uncontrollable switching does not occur during the day while we are working on the classes, because the staff at the residential centre where I’ll be living are only trained to work with disabled people, they arent trained to work with mental illness. although there will be at least 3 of us with mental illnesses living there. i know this because two of the other girls who live there told me they struggle with mental illnesses. but anyways. i dont want the younger parts coming out at inappropriate times. i am going to work next week in therapy on implementing some strategies to avoid this if i can. i will make a team of insiders me and a few others, who will participate in the classes during the day. i think that will be the best thing to do. then the kids can come out in the evenings when we’re alone in our apartment. they can watch tv, play games on our phone, blog etc. that way its fair and everyone gets to have time out in the body. dr. barry thought this was a great idea. we talked about my anxiety around starting. i am a little anxious but i suppose thats to be expected. i know there is going to be six of us doing the course, 3 guys and 3 girls. the thing I am most anxious about is using public transport. I just have no confidence, despite my trainer nathalie telling me that she thinks i’d be fine and be able to do it with no problems. when my mental illness got severe some years back i stopped doing routes with my dog, i didnt go anywhere alone, i always took a taxi places etc. i’m determined that on this independent living skills course that I will change this. I want my independence back again, plus also if I dont tackle it now, when it comes time for Nitro to retire they will not give me a new dog. I just have to be brave and face my fears head on. Wish me luck guys.
i’m struggling this morning. I haven’t slept. I couldn’t. I was having flashbacks. the system was in distress. things were chaotic. we were remembering awful things. I cant even write the words, I don’t even know if I can find the words when I go to Eileen in 90 mins. i’ll try I guess. its so hard sometimes. my words get lost. flaot away. its such a struggle to talk. open up and talk. I want to but I cant. ug I hate it. I am just feeling a little bit unsettled this morning. I have showered, that helped a little. I’m going to call my mom soon. just to hear another voice. I feel like I am the only person in the world awake. even tho its 8 am. thank you all for all your kind comments tonight. they have really helped me more than yall know.
this is allie. well if you wanna you can call me licia or lish or ali or just trouble. haha.
i am so sad. i need a hug from eileen.
i need her to wrap her arms aroumd me and then i will be able to feel safe. safe in her strong arms.
i love to listen to her heartbeat. it sounds so sootheing.
it makes me happy and i feel safe when i hear it.
i dont feel my age. i feel about 6, or maybe even 5. my 5 year old needs hugs from mommy.
she needs to feel loved and cared for.
she is hurting. sad. alone. in pain. feeling abandoned and rejected.
she needs her safe mommy, thats eileen.
its the middle of the night here though, so even if we emailed eileen she wont get it. she wont see it. she cant hear our pleas for help.
she is probably asleep and in bed and me emailing her would probably bother her.
so i didnt email.
i just feel so sad. not sure what to do Smile
feel so unsure…crying…lonely…missing eileen…
Smile someone give me some ideas because I am struggling here…
OMG I WANT TO RUN I WANT TO RUN AWAY FAR FAR AWAY I AM DONE I AM SOOO DONE I AM JUST SOOO DONE GUYS I CANT DO THIS IT HURTS I AM HAVING AWFUL FLASHBACKS THEY ARE SO INTENSE I AM TRYING EVERYTHING Sad smile NOTHINGS WORKING FUCKING HELL ANYWAYS Open-mouthed smile THIS SUCKS WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO SPINNING SWIRLING WHIRLING TWIRLING AROUND AND AROUND HEAD SPINNING DREAMS TURN TO NIGHTMARES ITS JUST FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY INTENSE Sad smile XX
OK SO I AM HURTING AND SAD AND FEELING FUCKING AWFUL. YES. AND I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE.
THAT DUDE BANNING CAROL ANNE. HE THINKS HE IS GOD.
HE’S ACTING ALL POWERFUL JUST CAUSE HE OWNS A FUCKING EMAIL LIST.
DAMN IT ANYWAY. WORDS HURT. SEEING EMAILS THAT ARENT MEANT FOR US TO SEE THAT TALK ABOUT US AND ARE DEROGATORY FUCKING HURTS.
I AM PISSED. BEYOND PISSED.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO GRAB A STEAK KNIFE OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND CUT UP OUR ARMS.
JUST BECAUSE I AM HURTING, AND I CANT THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE TO DO INSTEAD.
SO I AM REACHING OUT HERE FOR SUPPORT. AND I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BLOODY THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK. BUT THATS ASKING TOO MUCH I GUESS.
IS ANYONE AROUND?
I WOKE FROM A DREAM. A DREAM ABOUT EILEEN. IN THE DREAM WE WERE SITTING TOGETHER. I WAS HUGGING HER. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS SAFE. WE WERE FEELING SAFE AND HELD AND CONTAINED. WHY CANT THIS FEELING LAST? I AWOKE AND TEARS DRIPPED DOWN MY CHEEKS. I NEED HER. I NEED EILEEN. I NEED A HUG. I NEED HER TO HOLD ME. I NEED HER ARMS TO HOLD AND COMFORT ME. THIS FEELS SO HARD. IT IS SO DIFFICULT. THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE NEEDS A MOM. A MOM TO HELP HER HOLD HER COMFORT HER AND VALIDATE HER FEELINGS. I NEED CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS HER SAFE PERSON, A SAF BASE. SHE FEELS SO UNLOVED, SHE NEEDS CARE AND LOVE. FROM EILEEN.
we are caged in fright
running with all our might
our mind cracks
emotions spill out
we try to shout
its like being in a drream
a voiceless scream
silence, deafening silence