Its heading for 3 AM. I am wide awake. Havent slept at all tonight. Sigh. this sucks. I wish I could sleep. I am wired. Totally and utterly wired and agitated. I am jittery and feeling kinda anci too.
Am wondering how I’ll get through the day today on no sleep. I’m sure by the time 5 PM comes I’ll crash really hard.
Is anyone up? Could use a friend and a chat.
I’m drowning in pain at the moment. It has come outa no where. I am trying to swim, but sinking fast.
Unlike an elevator, no one can push your buttons without your permission once you understand what triggers you. Self-knowledge is power.
I woke up at six, despite going to bed after 2 AM. I just wasnt able to sleep any longer so got up. I am feeling very off today. Not doing well at all. I’ve decided not to go volunteering. I just dont feel up to it. I wouldnt be any use to anyone. I am feeling too depressed. I also feel fragile and I think hearing about others problems would only set me off further. So I wont go. I will ring my supervisor when she gets into work and let her know. I made myself make some breakfast. I really didnt feel up to eating or making food, but I pushed myself to do it. Its not even 8 AM here yet. I think its going to be a long day. Also the weather is crap outside. Its very windy and threatening to rain. I just let nitro out and fed him so at least I managed to see to his needs. He is important to me so I am glad I was able to see to him. My friend texted me during the night. She was worried as she texted me yesterday after my therapy session and I didnt reply to her. Truth is I was too tired to talk then. I probably should have replied to just let her know I was ok. She worries for us at this time of year because she knows its hard for us. I replied this morning. I apologised for not replying to her message sooner. I need to shower but I just dont feel like it. I know thats gross. I probably will, I just have to muster up the energy. I feel too lethargic and too depressed. Im not sure where the depression is coming from. Other than the time of year but not sure what else is causing it. All I know is I feel so awful. Feel really low and like I couldnt be bothered like I dont care about anything. Ug I hope this doesnt last for too long. Its exhausting.
7 DAYS DOWN! ONE WEEK DONE! YES!
SO HAPPY ONE WEEK OF OCTOBER IS GONE!
YOU ALL DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY IT MAKES ME THAT A WEEK HAS PASSED! AND MOSTLY WITHOUT INCIDENT! WE’RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!
THERAPY TOMORROW. I’M NERVOUS. MORE HARD WORK HAS TO BE DONE. MORE MEMORIES UNEARTHED. MORE PAIN, MORE TRAUMA. UG.
WHEN DOES IT GET EASIER? NEVER, IMO. NEVER THATS WHEN.
I THINK I NEED TO JUST VEG IN FRONT OF TV FOR THE EVENING, WE’RE GOING TO WATCH X FACTOR, AND WHATEVER ELSE TAKES OUR FANCY.
I’LL STAY OUT FRONT FOR NOW. GIVE LIZ A BREAK. I’M 23 AFTER ALL, AN ADULT. I CAN DO THIS. I JUST HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO BE OK. IM NOT, BUT I’LL MANAGE.
And dinners cooked and eaten! Am now relaxing
I don’t feel too hot right now. I think its a combo of littles feelings. some of the kids are feeling very unsettled.
I’m trying to comfort them as best as I can.
I can feel tears pricking the back of my eyes.
Someone is sad. Very sad.
I will just have to do my best to relax, comfort the kids, and maybe in a little while things will get a little less stressful.
tears. not sure why. not sure what is wrong with us. someone is reacting to something. triggered? maybe. someone feels sad. not sure who. will have to try to figure that out. have been asking around inside, but no answer. no ones saying anything to me. everyone is just, feeling lots of overwhelming feelings.
Im sure we’ll be ok. We just need to breathe. Breathe and relax.