A wonderful apt with dr. barry

i saw dr. barry today. i had a very early apt. but the thing is even though you have an apt you rarely get seen at your designated time. i went to the clinic at 8:30 but it was 10:30 before dr. barry called me. in the mean time two junior docs called my name. i dont know why that happened because i dont see junior docs. all i can think is they were new and didnt know that i always see the consultant. i had to tell them that i was seeing dr. barry. once i told them they were ok and left me alone. eventually dr. barry called us. we went in sat down and started to tell her everything that had been going on. it was so good to vent out all of what was on our mind. we talked about therapy and eileen being on break and how much we are missing her. we talked about our feelings of abandonment and insecurity around eileen being away. dr. barry totally gets it. she said that yes that is a normal trauma response. she said try to think logically about it, that eileen is just gone on a holiday and its not about taking a break from us or our stuff. i do know that. its just sometimes its hard to see when your feeling overwhelmed. we talked about sleep. i told her i didnt think the meds i was on for sleep were working. she said now carol anne, you know how i feel about meds. and i do. she is reluctant to prescribe sleeping tablets because she said my problems with sleep are not curable with meds. that they are ongoing and related more to my trauma and having the flashbacks and stuff at night is part and parcel of my ptsd and no meds will cure that. i understood where she was coming from. and to be honest i really dont want to be on meds for sleep. she told me to stop taking the ones i was on, the halcion because i’ve been on it for more than 3 months and it looks like i’ve built up a tolerance to it. she said it wont work in the future if i need it again, if my brain has built up a tolerance to it so the best thing i could do is stop it. she did encourage me to take haldol if i had two nights in a row where i couldnt sleep. she said on the third night i should take it. i am reluctant to take haldol too because of its side effects. a couple times though i have given in and taken it when things got desperate. we talked about karen leaving and saying goodbye to her. that will be happening on august 23rd. she said she knows how absolutely hard for us this is. i told her me and liz were most effected by karens leaving, because we are the two who had the most dealings with her and who had built up a relationship with her. we are getting a friend to make a card so that we can give it to karen because we are not that artistic ourselves, but we want to give karen something to remember us by. we thought about getting her a little gift but decided against it just in case she wasnt allowed to take it. if she wasnt allowed then we’d feel rejected so we decided not to bother with that. dr. barry said she is going to sit down with karen and sarah her cpn and talk to them both and see if sarah can offer us some sessions to do a kind of transitional piece of work with her. she said she’ll talk with karen and sarah, see what is the best thing for us, and what sarah can offer given her case load. she said we can talk more about that next week. i talked to her about respite and how we’d gotten on there last week. i told her we’d pretty much kept to ourselves but that a couple of times when the anxiety was bad or when we hadnt slept good we’d told staff. i didnt really go into too much detail with staff though around the mental illness. i’m still getting to know the staff there and i am not sure how they’d be so i havent disclosed much to them yet. that was all we talked about but i felt so much better when the apt was over. i felt so relieved and like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. when she brought me out to the secretary to make my apt for next week she lightly tapped my shoulder and said take care and i hope you have a better week next week. those words stuck with me. take care and i hope you have a better week next week. she is so sweet. i know her words are genuine and that she genuinely cares about me.

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Weight loss, food diary and exercise stats for July 26th

I’ve decided to keep a food diary again. This will tie in nicely with my exercise stats that I’ve been keeping track of and give me more incentive to stick with the plan and lose more weight.

breakfast: 2 weetabix, fresh fruit salad, mug of tea
Lunch: 2 slices of brown bread, 4 sausages, mug of tea
dinner: Chicken goujouns, oven chips
Snacks: two pieces of fruit, an apple, and an orange

exercise stats
walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes
did 1 mile at a speed of 4

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Poetry

as it begins
you claw at your skin
the fuzziness takes hold
and you start to go
you float away
far far away
you are gone
and parts take control
will you ever feel whole?
that doesnt seem likely
you start to see
just how broken you are
just how dissociated you are
memories swallow you up
and you start to cry
you want peace
just some space from this hell your living in
but you never get peace
or release
you just keep on surviving
because that is what survivors do

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middle of the night ramble

i cant sleep. maybe if i went to bed later and didnt just fall asleep at weird times, it would be better. i didnt plan on going to bed at 8:30 tonight. I planned on staying up and watching some tv or a movie. But then when the internet quit working I got frustrated and so just went to bed. I was going to read my book I am starting a new one, but then I just dozed off. 5 hours later I awoke. And now I’m wide awake, and 3 cups of coffee later I’m again frustrated. I just ate some fruit salad, was going to save it until later this morning before I head out but got hungry so just ate now instead, it doesnt really make much of a difference. I’m seeing dr barry this morning. I’m excited to see her its been 2 weeks. Thats too long since I am used to seeing her on a weekly basis. My friends say I am very lucky, most of the people I know who are under her care never see her or rarely do. They have to make do with junior doctors and will only see her if they go into hospital. I know I am lucky. I know she takes very good care of me. I appreciate that and value my time with her. I’m not sure what we will talk about today. Respite maybe, therapy maybe, sleep and meds, etc. I plan on going straight home after my appointment. No plans for the rest of the day the only thing happening is my home help will come and help me cook. She wont be coming until 5 PM though so I will have the day to myself. I might ask my friend norma if she wants to come over tomorrow evening to hang out for a while. I havent seen her in a few weeks although I’ve spoken to her on the phone. Its raining outside. I am glad. We needed some rain to cool things off. The weather was so muggy and sticky lately. A little rain will be good and will cool the place down.

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recipe of the day. cranberry apple punch

Cranberry Apple Punch
2 quarts water
2 cups sugar

1 can (16 ounces) frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed
1 can (12 ounces) frozen lemonade concentrate, thawed
2 quarts cranberry juice
1 quart apple juice
2 cups prepared tea, cooled
Orange, lemon and lime slices
In a large saucepan, heat water and sugar until dissolved. Cool; pour into a large punch bowl. Add orange juice, lemonade, cranberry juice, apple juice and tea. Garnish with orange, lemon and lime slices. Chill with an ice ring.
Note:
Be sure ingredients are chilled before mixing in your punch bowl.
Makes 36 servings.

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shit internet

i’m in a bit of a bad mood. my internet is acting up. it started earlier tonight. around 7:30 PM. I rang tech support. The guy changed some of my modem settings and he said it was working again. however five mins after coming off of the call it quit working. i didnt bother calling him back because I was frustrated and also feeling tired, and I thought if I just went away from it for a while that by some miracle it would come back. No such luck. I went to bed and miracle of miracles I went to sleep and slept for a couple hours. When I got up it still wasnt back. So again I went and got through to tech support. This time the guy I spoke to said he thought my modem was failing. I’ve only had this particular modem for a couple of months. They dont seem to last these new E fibre modems. He did some things and I am able to get online for now at least, but he has ordered me a new modem. He said I should have it within a day or two. I had hoped to go to mom and dads house on Thursday but now it looks like I’ll have to stay here until Friday and go from here to respite on Friday. Thats a bit of an annoyance to me. but what can I do. I hope the connection stays up and I can continue to use it for the next couple of days. Its frustrating being without it. My wifi on my phone isnt working, so I have to use data on my phone. At least I wont have to worry for the weekend as I’ll be in respite where there is a solid connection. He said once I get the new modem that all I’ll have to do is plug it in and then enter the wifi key on the back of it into my devices. Then I’m good to go. We shall see. Knowing my luck it wont work that way, lol.

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