I’m not leaving you, your leaving me!

so last week in therapy me and eileen had a major discussion. Around getting better and what that would look like. and i told her we’re afraid. we dont want her to leave us. ever. to which she said to me:
“when its time to end therapy, it will be you who ends it, not me!”
That was a huge surprise to me. i hadnt ever thought of me doing the leaving. it seems so weird. right now it seems like that will never happen.
“it wont be now, or even a year or two away, but some day, it will happen!” she said.
“really?” I mused, “that will happen, I will end therapy?”
I cant quite comprehend it!
She said we have a long way to go before it will happen though. But eventually therapy will come to a natural end. I’ll be healed…whatever healed looks like.
I just cant believe that! Has anyone else ever thought of that, of what it will look like when your therapy ends?
I’m still reflecting on it now.
She wont leave me, but I will leave her eventually? Wow!

Mentoring and other stuff related to the basement club

I am going to the basement club this morning. I went there yesterday too. I’ve been going there quite a lot recently. I feel like its somewhere I really fit in, somewhere I am accepted and where I belong.
i will be having mentoring this morning. My mentor down there is colette. However, last week Colette asked me if I would be willing to work with the student that is on placement there for 3 months. Just to give her some experience of mentoring and what that is like. At first when she asked me I hesitated. I wasnt sure that I wanted to divulge things to this student. Yes I did know her and like her. But mentoring is such a close relationship. She would know a lot about me, about my diagnosis, etc. But I thought about it and eventually I decided that yes I would like to work with her for a few weeks. So this morning Colette is doing a sort of hand over. The students name is Julie. Mostly I think I will just get her to help me with the publishing of my book.
Yesterday I also asked Colette about maybe starting an announcement only email group, where I would be in charge of posting relevant information about what is happening at the basement club, and where members of the basement club could give their email addresses and subscribe to the email updates list and recieve the information. Right now there is a webtext service but its very limited and as people know, you cant say much in a text message, so I thought the announcement group idea would be a good one and I am willing to run it for the staff. I already do volunteer work for a couple hours a week down there, so this would just be one more thing that I could add to that.
I went to the members meeting yesterday too while I was down there. We were deciding where to go for the xmas night out. We’ll be going for a meal, a 3 course meal. We ended up deciding to go to the same place we went last year. I know xmas isnt for another 3 months but we have to book the place in advance. We also were deciding yesterday about the poetry book, we have to do up terms of reference for publishing it. The co-ordinator Denise decided to have a meeting next week to decide on the terms of reference, and make up an editorial committee. I’ll definitely be going to that meeting. This book they are publishing is something I am really interested in and excited about. We also talked about doing an art group on Wednesday afternoons. One of the other members is going to facilitate it. She’s done it for years but recently took a break from doing it. But now, together with the student whose on placement, she’s going to come back and do it again.
Lastly then two of the staff told us they are cutting down on their working week and going down to a four day week. One of them said she was doing it for personal reasons and because she was feeling like she was burnt out. The other one is going back to college to study. So there will be a new part time staff member coming to the basement club. That should be interesting and shake things up a bit. The co-ordinator said they’d be advertising for the new staff member and interviewing in a couple of weeks from now.
As well as mentoring this morning, the knitting and crochet craft group is on today. I think I might join in with that and do some knitting. I like knitting and havent done it in a while. I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee, its not even 6 AM. I got a good nights sleep last night so was able to wake up and get up early today which I am glad about.

An uplifting appointment with Dr. barry

we had a great apt with dr. barry today. it was light. we did not really discuss anything too heavy. we sort of talked about the thing we were discussing last week, about our relationship with dr. barry and the one with eileen being so similar, she asked me if the confusion had lifted and lessened, and yes it has. rationally i know the relationships arent the same, sometimes though the lines get a little bit blurred and things get fuzzy and i kind of get lost and lose my sense of safety.
we talked about the assessment i am having tomorrow with the respite co-ordinator. she said its positive that it is happening. i agree.
we talked about my mom. i was telling her how my mom does stuff for me, like things around the house, and calling me several times a day to check up on me. she said my mom shows she cares in her behaviours, in the things that she does, she needs to be doing something tangible to feel useful. i hadnt noticed that before. but its true. she cant be there emotionally for me but she is there for me in other ways. and thats good enough i guess.
she told me she might bring a student in on wednesday. the student was there today but she said she asked her to sit out because she felt it was too soon after our rupture to bring a student in to the room. i appreciate that she did not bring her in today.
all in all it was a good appointment. it was a little shorter than usual. but she is seeing us twice a week, so thats probably why, she didnt rush me or anything though, quite the opposite actually.

Black cat, blue sea blog award

so Angela over at
nominated me for this award thanks angela!
the rules are

  • Anybody nominated can nominate eight other bloggers.
  • The nominee answers three questions posed by the nominator.
  • The questions you ask while nominating can be any three questions.

If any of the questions asked are offensive or the nominee simply does not want to answer, the nominee does not have to answer them to earn the award.

Her questions are

1. Where was the best place you’ve vacationed at and why?

My most favourite place to vacation is disneyworld. I’ve been twice to the one in florida. I’ve also been twice to the one in paris. I absolutely love it I’m like a big kid when I’m there!

2. What inspires you to write?

Well really all I write about is myself and my diagnosis and life in general, i write to keep a log of things I’ve done and said and want to do etc. I like to be real on my blog even if sometimes it is hard to write about certain things.

3. Do you have a life motto?

Yes! it is if you want something done you have to do it yourself! That is how it has been for me. If I want things to change, I gotta change them because nobodys gonna do it for me!

My nominees are

Sam over at matters to sam


Marcie at marci mental health and more

andi over at therapy sucks

my 3 questions

1 what band or artist inspires you and who is your favourite?

2 If you could change anything about yourself, would you?

3 Who inspired you to start a blog?

stressed out

it hasnt been the greatest of nights. i havent slept at all. some of you might know i run an email list for people who have did and other dissociative disorders. well earlier tonight there was a lot of drama on the list. so i was dealing with that. then taylor got triggered and so i was dealing with her. she was hearing voices and having flashbacks. i hate seeing the kids so upset and so distressed. it breaks my heart. i made her some hot chocolate and i sat with her for a while until she calmed down. other than that i watched some tv and did some email and texted some friends. i was going to read but then i changed my mind. i am seeing dr. barry this morning. i think we are going to have a good appointment. then when i finish with dr. barry i am going to go to the basement club for the rest of the day. i am tired right now but its nothing that a couple cups of coffee wont fix. ok, well, time to go do my exercise on the treadmill. catch you all later.