so remember a few months ago dr. barry wrote a report for the police after we were sexually assaulted? well she submitted that finally a few weeks ago. we werent ready to submit it before then. and yesterday a female police officer phoned me. she said they’d recieved the report and she wanted to know if I wanted to make a statement. i said i wasnt sure. so then she asked me if she could come to my house and talk to me. i hesitated because i’ve had bad experiences with the police in the past. but eventually i agreed and she is coming on sunday afternoon. i am so nervous. right now i’m thinking i probably wont go ahead and make a statement. my attackers have instilled so much fear in me. its hard to get past that fear. plus i am just nervous opening up to strangers. there are two female officers coming on sunday. the girl who called me and another officer. it feels so scary. i called eileen last night and we talked about it for about 20 minutes. eileen was great, so encouraging and understanding. i’m sure i’ll talk to dr. barry about it some today too. its a lot to process and think about.
this week we had a really eye opening therapy session. we’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately about going to therapy. there is a lot of internal conflict before we go, when we get there, it takes us a long time to settle down so we can talk. we talked this week about those issues. and we came to the conclusion that some insiders are scared. they are scared of improving, becoming stable, getting better. this is compounded by the fact i am trying to get a part time job. a lot of the system dont want me to do that. they want to sit at home and not do things. they want to isolate. they are scared to get well. because if we get well who will we be? right now we are defined by our mental illness. we are the girl with did. and the girl who has depression. and the girl who is blind. but if we stabilise, who are we? its a scary thought. and its the cause of such inner turmoil and internal conflict. it was good that we could discuss it with eileen. she was so understanding. she kept reassuring us that she was with us long term. she wasnt going anywhere. it was ok to get better. but it was understandable why some insiders were choosing to do things to sabotage therapy. they are scared and it is ok. “i respect the place you are in” her words that resonated with us all. respect. so many people havent respected us and our view point in the past. lots of therapists and psych people have just said we need to do things their way. agree with their point of view. eileen isnt like that. its ok to disagree. she encouraged us to keep talking about this. keep being curious. and i am curious. she said we need to hear all of the insiders take on things. and dont do anything rash. its all about collaboration. she said dont do anything without consulting everyone. that particular point was aimed at me. she was encouraging me not to rush into a job. first i need to hear what peoples thoughts are about that. it was a good session. i think we’ve turned a corner now. hopefully we can work on these issues over the coming weeks.
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i’m at the basement club today. I havent dropped in for a while. Todays been my first day back. I came in to meet my mentor Colette to talk about volunteering. I am going to volunteer for an hour a week to start off. I’ll start on September 1st. For the first month I’ll do an hour a week, then at the end of the month I’ll have supervision and will probably increase my time to two hours a week. The volunteering will include answering the phone and door, and also doing some data input. I’m excited to start. I did volunteer last year for a little while. Its good experience and Colette said once I have 30 hours done I can get a reference from staff if I need one.
Next week we are going on an outing to a donkey sanctuary with the basement club. It should be fun. I think donkeys are so cute. We are getting a tour of the sanctuary and then going for a meal afterwords. It is something to look forward to. I hope i can get some pictures of the donkeys. I rang and asked if I could bring Nitro with me and they said yes of course.
I hope everyone else is ok.
Sometimes in the winds of change we find our true direction.
i didnt sleep good, again. i kept tossing and turning and in the end i got up at 7 AM. i didnt try to go to sleep until about 2 AM. i’m tired but i doubt i try to go back to sleep now. mom and dad are still in bed but will probably get up soon. usually our dad gets up early on sunday because he prepares dinner and usually its a roast of some sort but today we arent having that. usually my sister comes with her kids but she isnt coming over today either.
i suppose someone from the weekend team will phone me around 10 AM. i’d almost forgotten about them calling me. i should try to exercise today too. maybe i’ll ask mom if she wants to go for a walk this morning. she has COPD so sometimes she finds walking difficult but she might want to try.
i really want to get my weight down before the trip to copenhagen. there will be a lot of walking around and i dont want to struggle with that. its really a case of doing a ton of exercise and watching my calorie intake like a hawk. i’m going back to karen my nutritionist next week too. she is on vacation for two weeks right now.
ok, time for coffee and some fruit and maybe a piece of toast. catch you later guys.
i had a pretty quiet saturday. because i didnt sleep good on friday night i just pretty much layed around all day in my pajamas and did nothing. i started reading the book the reason i jump, its written by a 13 year old autistic boy from japan. so far its pretty good. he answers questions about why autistic people do what they do, like the reasons why etc. its a relatively short read so i think i’ll be done tomorrow and when i am done reading it i’ll review it. i got a call from one of the weekend team this morning at about 10:15 AM. it was a pretty good call and i felt very supported. i told the nurse that i was having terrible flashbacks and memories of abuse. she kept asking me if there was anything she could do for me. i said i didnt think there was and she encouraged me to contact her if i needed extra support throughout the day. i told her i hadnt taken extra meds because the nerves about them possibly sedating me had kept me from doing it. sometimes its hard to know what to do for the best. dr. barry says i should take the haldol when things get bad. and i know i should. i just feel like i dont want to constantly rely on meds. i promised dr. barry though that i would take it if i needed it this weekend. i felt really depressed this afternoon and in the early evening. i slept for a while. actually i only woke when mom came to ask me if i wanted to go to copenhagen. its a good thing she woke me. now its past midnight and i’m wide awake. guess i shouldnt have drank the tea earlier. the weekend team will phone me again tomorrow morning but it wont be the same girl which i wish it was going to be the same person. she said she’s not working tomorrow though so someone else would call me to check in. hopefully it will be someone i know and can feel comfortable opening up to. opening up is always so hard. especially when i dont know a lot of the nurses on the team. we shall see how it goes though. hoping for a good experience.
When you find yourself cocooned in isolation and despair and cannot find your way out of the darkness, remember that this is similar to the place where caterpillars go to grow their wings.