its darina ballerina!
ar frends little gina whose four tol us thees joks
i thot id shar them here wif yu all!
cuz they ar so funy!
so here goes k?
where does a 600 pound gorilla sleep?
he sleeps wherever he wants!
ha ha ha!
and heres tha oother one?
how do you know an elephants been in your fridgerator?
cuz he leave footprints in the cheesecake!
ha ha ha!
love, darina ballerina im six!
I will have a phone appointment with dr bary tomorrow morning. She’s due to phone me. Her secretary told me she’d phone at 10:30, but that may change, or it may be later, depends on how busy she is.
I dont mind, just as long as I get to talk to her.
I am really looking forward to speaking with her. Its been two weeks now since we talked, but it seems longer than that. I am having withdrawals, and my attachment fears are kicking in.
Is she sick? Is she ok? Does she have coronavirus?
These are all irrational fears, and worries. I know more than likely she’s fine. I just worry about her because we are so attached, its hard to think of our life without her in it.
Anyway, will be great to catch up with her.
I have lots to talk about. Lots to tell her.
I am in a state of pure anxiety. I am just not ok. I am really struggling tonight. I cant settle to anything. I am shaking and have been crying for the last half hour. I am just so sad. I know why it is though. Therapy today was really difficult. Emily and some of her insiders have really been struggling with a memory, they processed it today but its been awful for them and its bleeding through to the rest of us now too. It was a memory of something that happened in the bathroom, when we were a kid. I wont go into too much detail because I am feeling triggered but I’ll say this much. It was an incident where we almost drowned in a bath tub. Thats all I am saying. This has triggered the young insiders really badly. We got the first flashback in the shower the other day. It has spiraled from there. Now we’re afraid to go to the bathroom. The kids have been holding it in. They are so afraid to go in there. No amount of coaxing them is working. Eileen even did a visual exercise today and she had me show them that it is safe. Still they dont want to believe me. They are also scared now of the shower and of running water. Even the sound of running taps is freaking them out. Thats why we are so anxious right now I think. We’re also feeling it in the body. Our stomach hurts. Our chest hurts. Our abdomen hurts. We have a burning sensation and it is so sore. Eileen said we may have a UTI but I dont know. She said from holding our pee in we could have a kidney infection or we are starting one. I hope not. They also trigger us. We used to get tons of kidney infections as a kid while the abuse was going on. So I hope we dont have one. I said I’d call our GP if it keeps up and the burning sensation doesnt go away soon. Right now I feel like its important I get the littles to feel safe enough to go to the bathroom and not to hold it in. That cant be good for us or our body to be doing that
How awesome is my therapist? I cant even put words on how absolutely amazing she is and how supportive she is being to us. Its fantastic and I am so grateful. she’s taking a week off next week for easter, but she has said she wont take a week off from seeing us. she wants to still support us since she knows we’re cooped up at home, and not seeing anyone and now its looking like our PA hours might be also cut. So she offered to continue therapy, and she said she’d see us next week, not on monday because Monday is a bank holiday, but she’s going to see us on the wednesday instead. I feel so special. She isnt doing this for any of her other clients. She said she doesnt mind seeing us because she knows we’ve been really struggling and we need the extra support. She has also told us to text her if we need her. What a gem she is. She has made my monday now. I told her she didnt have to see us, because she needs time off tooo and i said we’d be fine. But she wouldnt hear of it. She said no, carol anne, I’m happy to have our regular therapy session as we normally do. Dont worry about me, I’ll be fine, I’m offering. Thanks eileen, your a star, I love you. I really, really am so thankful to have you as our therapist. You are such a kind, caring, compassionate human being. You have so much empathy and I am in awe of you. Thank you for supporting us all through this tough time. You’ve been fab. And you continue to be fab.
it me darina
I singina song
my frend rosie inspired me
I hops ya all likin dis
I hops ya kin see me on da video
Doing online therapy has really tested my relationship with Eileen. Its very different than seeing her face to face.
It is good that we have the technology to do video chats, but it does take some getting used to for me. I do prefer face to face sessions, but for now I’m happy to continue doing therapy online, if it means I still get to see eileen.
On Monday we were talking about how doing the online sessions makes me feel.
“I feel ok about them I guess, I said to her, but I wish I could touch you, hug you, I wish we could physically sit next to one another”.
“Carol anne, I am here, can you feel my care? I am here, and I am feeling connected to you depsite it being over zoom, I had reservations about this too, but I feel our relationship is strong, I know I can see you and you cant see me, and that makes things harder, but just remember, like the kids said, I am in your living room with you. I can see your house, and I am there with you.
“Do you hear my voice?”
I sat there and cried, happy tears, I feel you, I said, I do. I hear you too. I know you are here.
“Yes, she said softly, I am always here. I want you all to know that while I am on zoom with you I am giving you my full attention, I am also mindful that this is new for both of us.
“I’m so glad you are here, I said, my eyes filling again, I need you, I really need you.
“You know you are free to text me during the week, she said, if you need to talk and I will text you back and we can arrange a time to check in. And you know you or the other insiders can always email me, my inbox is always open.
Its so reassuring to know that if I need her she’s here for us. So reassuring.
so we were meant to have therapy this morning, at 9:40, 20 minutes before we were due to start our session my phone rang. It was eileen. I was in the kitchen and my phone was in the bedroom, as soon as I heard her name spoken I ran to pick it up. She told me that she’d have to cancel our session. Someone in her family had to go get tested for coronavirus, it wasnt her, she didnt tell me who it was, but she said she had to take them. I dont know if it was her husband, her son, or who it was. She said we’d reschedule for this evening, and that she’d text me later on. I told her that that was fine, and not to worry about me, I am fine, and to go do what she needed to do. She thanked me and promised to get back to me later in the morning. And true to her word she did about 2 hours later she texted me and we rearranged for tonight, and I’ve just had my session I had it at 6:30 this evening. She said she didnt think her family member is going to test positive, but they’ve had some of the symptoms so it was best to get them tested just to be sure. But she told me not to worry that she thinks its all going to turn out ok. Of course I am still worrying. I dont want Eileen to get sick. I do hope that her family member doesnt have coronavirus. Please pray if you do pray. I am glad we still got to have a session. She told me that actually after canceling our session she got a text cancelling the test until 3 Pm today so she could have actually done our morning session. We laughed about it then saying after all that and she could have done it. I just hope everything will be ok. I’m praying hard. My anxietys up again but we worked on it in our session. It was good, and I do feel less anxious now. I feel solid, grounded, calmer. I am so glad I got to connect with eileen. She makes me feel amazing and she has such a calming presence. I am thankful for her every day.