ug i feel awful. i woke up after a nap feeling bla. head hurting. achy. pain and weakness. dizziness too. it is horrible. i drank some water to try to feel better. mom said i might be dehydrated. it helped. but i still feel yuck. and i feel teary and emotional and very overwhelmed too. my mood is still kinda low. i am just not feeling it tonight. i just feel sad, overwhelmed and it feels awful.
After a month or so without talking to her, we finally got to talk on skype. Well I called her. She’s ok, but she was having a lot of trouble with her words, I think it was due to her meds, she couldn’t quite say what she wanted to say to me, she was having a lot of trouble stringing sentences together.
For those who aren’t aware, my partner jess, lives in a psychiatric residential unit, she’s been there since 2015. I am so sad that she has to be there. She was meant to be going on a home visit this weekend but her mom got sick so she couldn’t go. She was quite upset about it when we talked.
She was delighted I called her though. It was so good to talk to her. I miss her so much. I think of her every day. I would anyway, but well she thought I didn’t. I told her I do. I wake up, and i think of her. I wonder how she is, what she’s doing etc.
I told her to go switch on her phone and we can text. Her phone wasn’t working for a while. It is now again though. So if she switches it on we can text and facetime using our phones. That will be good.
I’m happy now. I can go to bed happy tonight.
A quick post. I’m sitting here, coffee in hand. Just had a bite to eat, quickly, in between appointments. Just had a very hard morning. College was tough today. We were discussing a lot about the brain, emotions, CBT, and anxiety. It was a lot to take in.
My brain is just a little bit fried, lol.
Tiredness is also playing a part. I am completely exhausted but running on auto pilot. I know what is going to happen. I am going to get overtired, and then later tonight when I want to sleep I wont be able to.
I need to run soon. I have an apt with dr. barry at 3. Need to talk to her about our emotional state. How overwhelmed we’ve been lately. About the darks and therapy and contacting abusers. About the loss of some of our clients recently, she doesn’t know about the recent losses of our friendly call clients, she only knows of one of them.
Its going to be a busy apt I think. I am really looking forward to getting her perspective on things.
Now I will sit here and slowly drink my coffee and breathe.
I can do this, I can, I can!
i’ve got a really busy day ahead!
first I’ve got to go to college. Spend all morning there.
come home, have a quick lunch, then go see dr. barry. Hopefully I wont be waiting for hours to see her like I was last time I went there.
then come home from that appointment, have something to eat and then go to slimming world this evening. So its gonna be a super busy day with little down time!
And to top it all off, I’ve had no sleep tonight.
I’m exhausted, but its onwards and upwards for me!
I hope I will be able to stay awake in class!
as i sit here
what to do
where to go
how to be
sort of overwhelmed
by my emotions
sit, take a breath
wrap myself in a blanket
warm, steaming mug in hand
try to just be
leave my feelings go
leave them at the door
enjoy the moment
this feeling of instability
will pass soon enough
these memories come
leave me numb
gasping for breath
as my heart rate quickens
a childhood stolen
pain and fear
i can hear
as the blood spills
collide and life
is unmanageable for a while
i pull it together
and fight another day
fight for my survival
This week is going to be crazy busy. Tomorrow I have to go volunteering, my supervisor rang me earlier, she has to go to Dublin tomorrow for some meeting around funding, so she’s unable to pick me up as she normally does. Its ok though I have sorted a ride, my sister is going to drop me off. My supervisor also sent me my list of clients that I have to call, and turns out my next door neighbours name was on the list, so I had to email her back and let her know I wont be calling her, as my neighbour and I are very friendly with each other, and I am sure she’d recognise me and be uncomfortable. I am happy to be going back volunteering again. I am happiest whenI am there doing the job I love.
Wednesday morning I have college. We are back after last week being canceled. I am excited to go. I am wondering what our lecture will be on this week. Something good I hope. I also have slimming world on Wednesday night. I just know I wont have lost any weight. I wont be surprised if I don’t. If I do I’ll be very surprised. I will go because I haven’t been in two weeks now and I think I need to go and be accountable.
Thursday is the only day this week where I don’t have something on! I can stay home and chill out. I am sure I’ll find stuff to do, but it will be nice to just be able to do what I want when I want on that day.
On Friday morning mom and my sis and me have to go to the solicitor to sort out about our cheques, we have to sign them so she can lodge them into her account, pay her fees, and then she’ll ring us to come in and collect them once all that’s done. , In the afternoon, mom and me and moms two sisters are going for afternoon tea. Mom got it as a Christmas gift from my sister, and she booked us in for Friday afternoon at 4. I am looking forward to it. We’ll have the tea and then stay in the hotel for some drinks afterwords. I’m sure it will be a late night for us on Friday.