productive day today, nutritionist tomorrow morning

today i had a pretty good day. i woke at 5:30, got up and let nitro out and fed him. it was really warm and i knew i’d never be able to go back to sleep. i was supposed to go see dr. barry, but I canceled the appointment. I just didnt feel up to going up to the hospital very early, waiting around, and then having an intens session. I was due my trevicta injection today but I rang the clinic nurse and she said i could get it next week so thats what i’m going to do. when i told dr barrys secretary i wouldnt be coming in, i asked her to ring me back with a new appointment, and she didnt so that means tomorrow I’ll have to chase that up. mom and my sister came over after picking davin up from preschool. my mom cut my grass, and my sister made me my lunch, i had chicken rap with cheese and chili mayo and it was delicious. i started to get kinda tired at around 1ish so i told my mom that i was going to bed for an hour. i stayed there for about 1 and a half hours. i think it did me the world of good to do that. i got a huge parcel in the mail today from ebay. 100 movies and cd’s. i’m slowly going through them to see whats in there. earlier in the week the kids got a batch of 30 movies, which they were so surprised to get. they love disney movies and i managed to get lots of them cheap from a girl who was getting rid of them because her kids outgrew them. i forgot to go on the treadmill today. i meant to go on for 15 minutes. now i’ll have to do it in the morning. tomorrow is weigh in day. i’m dreading it. i’ve weighed myself on a scales i have here in the house and its way off. that is making me feel worse because i keep thinking what if i am that weight? logically I know I’m not though.
I’ll post more about the weight and exercise regime I’m going to start, tomorrow.
It includes a detailed food diary, daily exercise, healthy choices when it comes to food, and lots of water too.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.
love to all,
carol anne

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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Crapola

I woke up feeling sick. I really hate being sick. I cant put my finger on what exactly is wrong, I just know I feel like shit. I was meant to go visit my friend rose today. But now I’m not going. I was going to go back to bed and read, maybe I still will. Its damp and rainy outside, yucky weather to go with my yucky mood. This is not a good start to my weekend!

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friday evening

well my plans sorta changed. i didnt end up staying at the basement club until 4 like I thought I would. Instead I decided to go to my parents tonight, and spend the weekend, despite my earlier reservations about not wanting to be around my dad. Mom said he was doing better so I decided to give him a chance. So far its proving to be the right thing that I did. He’s a little subdued, and hasnt moaned or lost patience with me all day so that is good at least. Mom was making stir fry for dinner but I didnt have any. I had eaten at the basement club. My sister came over too with the kids. Davin got his hair cut that was a huge deal. He hates getting it cut. he cried the whole time. but then once it was done he loved his new hair lol. i asked mom if she’d be available to take me to my two doctor appointments and she said she would so that is good at least i’ll have someone to take me. i still dont see why the doctor couldnt have just flushedd out my ears for me. it wouldnt have taken her that long. my ear actually feels a little bit better today, it feels like its unblocked a little. but i’ll still have them flushed out. my dad has a hospital apt on monday for a chest x-ray. then the following monday he has a bone density scan. my two apts are next wednesday for the ear flushing and monday the 26th for the blood pressure monitor. i plan on doing absolutely nothing this weekend. i’m going to be a totally lazy bum lol. i deserve a weekend where i can read, watch tv, chill out. the voice kids is coming on tv and i am dying to see it. i love singing shows like x factor and the voice. i suppose that is because i am passionate about singing. anyway the kids should be amazing i’m sure they will be. i feel glad i came to my parents tonight. i am happy i am not on my own. i realise now isolating isnt good for me. oh yeah before i forget, i got a great deal on ebay tonight! i sold an old cell phone it was a phone with talks software on it i sold it to a guy in the UK whose blind. so with the money i decided to go on ebay and see if i could get something. you’ll never guess what i snagged! a job lot of 100 cd’s and dvd’s, for 38 UK pounds! Thats a bargain if ever there was one. They are all brand new and sealed too. There are tons of movies in there for all ages so i think everyone in the system will be happy! another girl on an email list i am on sold me 16 disney dvd’s for 30 pounds, they are used but i dont care, and i dont think the kids will care either they will just be delighted to have movies! i kept it as a surprise because they love it when we get mail and well now i can tell them there is mail for them too! i also had my treat for the week today and i made an effort to include everyone in the treat so i bought us a chocolate and peanut butter filled donut! that was a huge hit let me tell ya. so yep its been a happy friday. i hope you all had a happy friday too. what one thing made you happy today?
carol anne

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I came out of hiding

i did what eileen suggested, i got up and i went out of the house. i went to the basement club. i am here now. its quiet here not many members are in yet because its early. today is their open day, they have an open day once a month where anyone can come in and view the place get information etc. i’m happy i came out. i didnt realise how much i’d missed the place. it was actually my mom who convinced me to go. she called me and i was still in my PJ’s and she said to me that I should get out of the house. I think she was worried about me isolating. I had a bad night with flashbacks and emotions coming up and I just felt like crap. I didnt stay awake after I wrote the blog post at 2 AM I went back to bed and I was able to go back to sleep so that was good. I plan on staying at the basement club for the entire day today. Until about 4 PM. Then my friend Norma is coming over tonight to my house for a few hours. I think Eileen will be proud of me. I am taking care of myself. I am looking after my mental health. That is what she told me to do. Stay well, make sure I keep myself well.

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low

its 2:30 AM. I dont feel safe. I feel like I could do something impulsive to end things. suicidal thoughts are invading my mind.
I hate that. I hate when it happens.
Death is all I can think about. I’m in a very dark place.
I just cant see a reason to keep on going.
everything feels black and awful. i feel like i am drowning.
i’m just not safe.
thoughts blurr, mind spins, do it, dont, distract, react, oh god someone anyone help me.

I HATE YOU, DONT LEAVE ME?

THERAPY TODAY WAS A DISASTER WE TALKED ABOUT THE UPCOMING BREAK AND I GOT SO ANGRY WITH EILEEN BECAUSE I DONT WANT HER TO GO ON HOLIDAY NEXT WEEK I FEEL LIKE WE HAVENT REALLY PREPARED FOR IT I TOLD HER I THOUGHT IT WASNT FAIR THAT SHE’D ONLY HAD A WEEK AT EASTER SO WHY DID SHE NEED ANOTHER SO SOON? SHE KEPT SAYING IT WAS OK FOR ME TO BE ANGRY AT HER THAT SHE WOULD WALK THIS JOURNEY WITH ME, THAT ONLY MADE ME MADDER. I TOLD HER HOW MUCH THE KIDS ARE STRUGGLING, SHE ONLY SAID ME AND CAROL ANNE AND THE OLDER INSIDERS WOULD WE TRY TO SUPPORT THEM WHILE SHE WAS AWAY SO THEY WOULD NOT BE ON THEIR OWN? OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT US? WE’RE FEELING LIKE WE’RE ON OUR OWN TOO? SHE KEPT TRYING TO GET ME TO TALK ABOUT MY UNDERLYING FEELINGS BUT I JUST COULDNT. I WASNT GOING THERE. I JUST KEPT TELLING HER SHE WAS A TOTAL BITCH AND I WAS DONE WITH THERAPY AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE AND I SHOULD JUST WALK OUT NOW. SHE WOULDNT LET ME GO THOUGH SHE SAID I NEEDED TO STAY AND FACE THIS. I SAID WHAT IS THE POINT, YOUR GOING TO GO ANYWAY? TO WHICH SHE SAID YES, BUT MAYBE THAT IS ABOUT ME RECHARGING SO I CAN BE MORE AVAILABLE AND MORE THERE FOR YOU. I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU LIZ. NO YOU DONT, I SNAPPED. YOUR JUST TELLING ME WHAT YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR. HAVE I EVER DONE THAT? NO, I HAD TO ADMIT. AND I’M NOT GOING TO START NOW, SHE SAID. DO YOU KNOW I’M COMING BACK? DO YOU KNOW WHEN I SAY I’M COMING BACK I MEAN IT AND I WILL BE BACK, AFTER 7 DAYS? I CRIED THEN. PART OF ME DOESNT BELIEVE YOU. I CANT FIND MY RATIONAL BRAIN THAT SAYS YOU’LL BE BACK. I JUST FEEL SO SAD. I GET THAT LIZ. I REALLY GET IT. THEN SHE TOOK OUT HER DIARY AND WE STARTED TO MAKE PLANS FOR THE FOLLOWING WEEK. MONDAY IS A BANK HOLIDAY. CAN YOU DO TUESDAY MORNING? NO, MY PA COMES THEN. WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY MORNING? NO I CANT DO THURSDAY EITHER. WELL ICANT DO WEDNESDAY BECAUSE I AM TEACHING AND FRIDAY IS TOO CLOSE TO OUR NEXT SESSION. SO WE DONT HAVE ANY THEN? I ALMOST SHOUTED IN PANIC. YOUR EXPECTING ME TO GO TWO WEEKS WITHOUT THERAPY? I CANT! I JUST CANT! WELL DO YOU WANT TO DO THE FRIDAY? NOOOOO, BECAUSE I CANT PROCESS THE SESSION BEFORE THE FOLLOWING MONDAY! OK HERES WHAT WE’LL DO, DONT PANIC. WE’LL DO A CHECK IN THAT SECOND WEEK. A PHONE CHECK IN. OK, I SLOWLY SAID, WHEN? ON THE THURSDAY EVENING. YOU CAN TEXT ME AND I CAN GIVE YOU A BETTER IDEA OF THE TIME THAT I’LL BE FREE THEN. I FELT HAPPIER THEN. SO NOW ITS 11 DAYS BEFORE I GET TO TALK TO HER. BUT I CAN EMAIL HER IF I NEED TO IN BETWEEN. I AN NOT SURE HOW I’LL SURVIVE 11 DAYS. BUT I DID PROMISE HER THAT I’D SUPPORT THE KIDS THROUGH IT. SO I GUESS I HAVE TO BE STRONG OR SOMETHING AND SUCK IT UP AND PRETEND THIS ISNT EFFECTING ME. SIGH WHY DID I HAVE TO BECOME SO ATTACHED? WHY DO I LOVE HER SO MUCH? WHY DOES ALL THIS MATTER SO MUCH TO ME? I THINK EILEEN HIT IT ON THE HEAD TODAY WHEN SHE SAID HOW SHE KNEW SHE WAS IMPORTANT TO ME, SHE IS. AND I KNOW I CAN BE ANGRY WITH HER, I KNOW I CAN SAY ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, AND SHE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. AS MUCH AS I WANT HER TO SAY SHE IS SOMETIMES. I KNOW I CAN TRUST HER TO BE THERE TO GET IT AND GET ME. AND I LOVE HER FOR ALL OF THAT.
LIZ