Sleepless night sorta

I had a restless night. I just couldn’t settle down. I stayed up until 1 AM. Then I was going to read, but I realised I couldn’t plug in my earphones into the case on my phone as its a juice pack and you cant plug earphones into it. So reading went out the window!

I tossed and turned for about an hour. Watched youtube videos on my phone. Listened to my dad, he was in a lot of pain with his bones, so was moaning in pain a lot. I asked him about it this morning and he said he doesn’t remember it. I honestly don’t know how my mom sleeps with him!

Eventually I fell into a deep sleep. I didn’t wake until around 9 AM! I feel better this morning, well beter than I felt last night!

I’ve no plans today. Its going to be a relaxing day. Its damp and rainy outside so I’m not going anywhere. I am just planning on doing a few things on the computer.

I think I’ll start a new book, too!

I got a little sleep, finally!

so i got about 3 hours of sleep. I am so tired this morning. I did not wanna get up! I tore myself out of bed at around 8 AM. I have to leave at 9:15, I’m going to the beauticians to have my nails soaked off and get my lip and eyebrows waxed. I’m meeting my Pa down there. Then once we’re done we’ll come back to my house and she’ll do some housework. I am glad I got a little sleep, but it certainly wasnt enough. I work today so somehow I’m going to have to stay functional. I did wake up feeling good though, tired, but good. So thats something at least.

frum lissy age 4

i gotta tok ta eileen taday in therpy
it was so nise
i lik tu tok to her
i did emailed her afore
but now i toked to her as well
we wus tolkin bout emilys system
cuz im part of dat
and we wus tolkin bout katrina
katrinas a big in ar system
in emilys system
shes 32 and very old
eileen wants katrina to be on tha team
wif carol anne and liz
but i got skard
cuz i fot shed have to go out of ar system
and i dint want her to leave us
but eileen said no
she said shes stil gona be in emilys system
jus dat now shes going to help the others
they’ll be a team
and able ta suport us kids
more now
but katrina dont gotta leave us
so dats gud
cuz wat wuld we do wifote her
i wuldnt lik if her gots ta leave us
eileen said shes so glad i came out
to tel her i was skard
cuz she said she forgot ta say that shes not leavin ar system
and its important to tel us that
then eileen asked if katrina wuld tok ta her
and she did
i went and i got her for eileen
and she came out and they toked
and it was cool then
cuz katrina is real nise
and i think eileen likes her
i hoping to tok to eileen agin soon
it will be nise if i can
lissy im four

Fears about taking meds…

I am having a lot of trouble with my meds. With taking them.

I am fearing taking them. I have a fear of gaining weight if I take them.

I know I need to talk to Dr. Barry. And I plan on doing that. I probably should have talked to her yesterday about it. I didnt, though.

I will continue to take the meds, but I have become very anxious when I have to take them. Some of my anxiety is stemming from this ongoing fear of the meds causing weight gain.

I really dont see any way around this. I need my meds. I need them in order to stay ok, and be stable.

I currently take prozac, clonadine, and trevicta, which is my 3 monthly shot. Trevicta doesnt cause weight gain at all, so that ones out. Not sure about clonadine, or prozac though.

I take depokate, and keppra for my seizures, and metphormin for my diabetes, I also sometimes take a prn of fenergan to help me sleep.

Dissociation causes me to forget to take my meds a lot. For this reason I dont always take them regularly. Dr. Barry knows this and is aware of it.

Deep down, I know I will have to take the meds, whether they cause me to gain weight or not. If I want to be well, I know I need the meds. And thats all there is to it.

I do intend on discussing this in therapy and also with dr. barry. I think I’ll feel a lot better once I do that.

At my parents, still anxious and feeling off

I am not doing great this evening. I decided to go to my parents tonight instead of tomorrow. So I am here now.
I’ve had a nice long bubble bath and that felt good. It calmed me and made me feel a little bit better. My anxiety is still quite high. I still feel very off.
I gave my PA the morning off tomorrow. I was meant to go to the beauticians in the morning to get my nails soaked off, and get waxing done. However I rescheduled the apt to next tuesday.
I will go to work tomorrow though. I havent been in work this week at all, so I do need to go in. I think I’ll be ok, although I doubt I’ll sleep tonight, as I slept a lot today. I had planned to go out as there was a group of us from the basement club meeting the old staff members for coffee this evening, but I couldnt go. I just didnt feel like socialising with anyone so I canceled it.
I am sure things will get better over the weekend. I’ll be here at my parents now until Sunday. Mom and my sis and me are going to do a little more christmas shopping on saturday afternoon. That will cheer me up. I love the buzz around town at christmas time.
I do need to finish up an assignment for college too this weekend. Its my final one. Thank god! I will finish it on sunday morning. Then I’ll be done with it and can enjoy the last week of college, yay!
I finish on the 7th! Two more classes and we’re done!

Therapy session today: How our abusers tortured us and taught us to numb the pain

its ash. im one of emilys insiders. one of her darks. im 18 years old.
today we talked with eileen, well i did. i talked a lot about the abusers, and the kinds of things they’d do to us. it was so hard. it felt wrong to be talking about it, but then I knew I had to, talking is the only way of healing, we have to break our silence, and let down our guard. I trust Eileen enough to be able to do that with her.
i was telling eileen how the abusers trained us not to feel pain. the cult abusers I mean. they’d torture us and hurt us so bad, until we’d create more parts to deal with the pain and then eventually we’d create insiders who just were blank, numb, didnt feel any pain at all, even when the worse pain was going on.
it was just awful. the worst thing is too that the cult created certain insiders, they created them and so now they know their names, they know how to get to us through those insiders. so when we try not to respond to them, they have a bunch of insiders that they created who will respond. my sister zara talked to eileen too today, and she told her that if she saw an email come in from one of the abusers, that she isnt sure she wouldnt answer it, she was just being honest, and eileen really appreciated her honesty.
we havent had back and forth contact with the abusers for months now. yes they’ve tried, they’ve tried to get hold of us, they’ve tried phoning, emailing etc etc. but liz or Carol anne always catch the emails and delete them before anyone who might be tempted can respond to them. which is really good. eileen thinks it is too. she said she’s proud of us and how far we’ve come in the last couple of years. there was a time when all we did was get constantly hurt by the abusers, there was some insiders here with us who’d constantly take us to them, they’d take us off to dublin and we’d end up being raped or hurt in some other sick way.
it was a tough session today. eileen said we need to just go slow with all this. she said its not really about telling the story, so much as its about how we are from having gone through what we did, how we are now because of it. that made a whole lot of sense to me.
all the talk of cult abuse and abusers started when we were having a conversation about SE, SE stands for somatic experience therapy, that is what eileen is training in, she’s training in how to be a somatic experience practicioner. we talked about trauma, the nervous system and how trauma is stored up in our bodies, and that led on to me telling eileen about the fact that we dont feel pain even when we should, I gave an example of putting our hands in a sink of scalding hot water, and not realising we’d gotten burned, because there was no cold water in the sink, only hot. We never realised until it was too late, and the pain didnt register with us at all.
so much to think about, I’ll be processing this for a while this week, I think.

What is safe?

what does safe feel like?a question Eileen posed today
Safe is
The calm presence of you next to me
Your soothing voice
Your calming energy
The fleecey blanket wrapped around me
The ticking of the clock on the wall
The warmth of your office
But most of all
I am safe
when your with me
I am safe
When we are together
I am safe
I am truly safe
with you beside me
Thank you Eileen
For always making it safe