More updates after the car crash

So I had my medical yesterday, the medical that I had to have after the car crash.
The solicitor had requested it. It went well. My physical symptoms are gone now, its just the psychological stuff that is left. The doctor had a form he had to fill up. A standard report.
He put a lot in about my mental health and the psychological after effects of the accident. He said he thought I’d make a full recovery from it which was good to know. He told myself and my mom, she went in with me, he told us that he found the way it happened and the way the driver just rammed in to us twice then drove off, bizarre to say the least.
I’m glad its over now. Very very glad.
Now there is one more thing we need to do and that is make a statement to the police. That is happening on wednesday afternoon. That is for the pending court case that will be coming up in the new year.
I am nervous to talk to the police. But I will do it. Mom and my sister will also be talking to them.
I just hope it will be ok and go well.


I talked to eileen about what happened to our client

so I decided to text Eileen and ask her if I could talk to her. I wasnt sure if she had college tonight, she is a lecturer in the psychotherapy programme at the local university, she did have college, but I texted her, I asked if she had a few mins to check in and I told her I’d gotten bad news. She rang me back within 15 minutes. She was on her way home after lecturing. So we talked as she drove home. I told her about my client who killed himself. She was so understanding. She told me that it would be understandable that I’d be in shock. I was telling her about Emilys two insiders who were suicidal, and upon hearing this news today, they became very upset and shocked. I think it was like a wake up call for them. We talked about completing suicide. Eileen said there was nothing more we as a system could have done. This client of ours unfortunately had his mind made up already. I know this is the case. I just keep thinking I should have could have done more. Logically I couldnt though. Its just a hard truth to swallow. Hard to take that he’s dead now. He’s gone. I told eileen that I am sitting here thinking about how one minute someone can be here, the next they’re gone. She talked to me about resilience. About how some people dont have as much as others. She said to me that I need to remember how resilient we are. How we’re fighters. We have come through so much. She said she knows that the client doing this has stirred up a lot for us. In a lot of different ways. I agreed. She said she hopes my supervisor is giving us support. I said she was but that I couldnt actually talk much to her about my own feelings, because my supervisor doesnt know I have mental health difficulties, and she doesnt know I’ve tried to kill myself in the past. So that is why I reached out to Eileen. I know I can be honest with her. I know she gets me and gets it. I was telling Eileen I really dont want any more bad news today. Not only did I hear this news about my client, tonight I got the bad news that my cousin whose only 50 has stage four liver cancer. And then earlier I got the news that I need to discuss nitro retiring next tuesday with the trainer who comes out to do our aftercare. I really cant handle another thing today. Eileen told me to wrap up in a soft blanket. Make some tea, get a blanket, wrap up in it. And draw a line under today. And that is what I am going to do I think. I am exhausted but unable to sleep. I will do some self care things tonight though. To care for myself. I will do some writing, drink some tea, maybe read, and wrap up warm and cosy in a blanket. I am so grateful for Eileen. She never lets me down. She always comes through for us. I feel so so lucky to have her in our lives. She said that I shouldnt worry about texting her, she was fine with it. All I could say is thank you, thank you, I love you. And I do. I love her. She has made me feel contained tonight. Contained, and safe, and I know she’s with me in spirit, I know she is here, talking to her just reaffirmed that


I think its gonna be one of those sleepless nights

But its my own fault. I napped earlier for hours. Im not sure how long for exactly, maybe 3 or four hours in total though.
I doubt I get much sleep tonight. Its now almost 10 PM. I’m wide awake. I think Im in for a long one tonight. A long night where I am wide awake and just thinking. Ug.
Oh well. I have the radio and the tv for company. And there’s always my book if I feel like concentrating on it. For now though I am going to read blogs and email. Try to catch up as I am way behind.
At least I dont have too much to do tomorrow. Besides volunteering I have nothing else on. So if all comes to all and I dont sleep until the early morning hours, then thats ok as I can rest until late morning tomorrow.
carol anne


Cuz I want her to be proud of me!

I emailed my therapist. I emailed to tell her my good news!
I wanted to share it with her. But more than that, I want her to be proud of me. I know she will be, so whether she actually responds to my email or not…I will know she got it and read it, and is proud of me!
That is enough. I am happy that I can email her. I am happy to be able to share my great news with the person I trust the most in the world!
She might not respond to me at all, if she does it will be awesome! Im not hoping that sh e will though. If she does, then it will be a huge surprise!
Im kinda a hot mess right now! Im not sure why. I just feel pretty agitated. I am still super excited though about getting a place on the course!
Just gotta try to stay calm! Deep breaths, carol anne!
And coffee, which is probably making me more agitated!

Great news about college!

Hey everyone
Guess what? I have good news!
I got a place on the mental health in the community college course. I am beyond thrilled! I just found out, so you all are the first to know!
It starts next week, next Wednesday. I am so excited! I cannot believe I aced the interview and got a place! I thought it went well but I did not want to get my hopes up too much!
Thanks everyone for all of the good vibes, encouragement, and prayers that I’d be successful!

Your all amazing and I am so grateful for all your kind comments and thoughts!
This is gonna be fabulous! I am really going to throw myself into it! I cant wait to start!

This is a great end to an already fab day!


dr. barry apt and got my shot

well our apt with dr. barry went great. we were almost late to it though. we had a taxi booked to take us, he was meant to arrive at our house at 8:30. he never showed up. i rang the base and the lady said traffic was mental due to the storms. i told her i had to be there by 8:45. she quickly got a driver to come get me. i was about 5 minutes late meeting sarah. but sarah knew i’d be late. she had an idea i would be due to the bad weather. she had gotten there on time and went indoors. she rang me just as i was arriving. i told her i was just arriving and so she came downstairs to meet me. we first went to get my shot. first of all the building where dr. barry is is huge. when you walk in the main door you take a right turn. go all the way to the end of that corridor and then that is where the mental health services are based. the place where i go for my shot is right by where dr. barry is. that part was good. i got my shot. they weighed me and i’m now 90.5 kg. they gave me my shot. then sarah brought me to the waiting room. the room is open plan. the chairs are so hard. wooden chairs. very hard on your back. i told sarah i didnt think i’d manage the building very well from what i’ve seen of it. i sat and waited for a while before i saw dr. barry. a junior doctor called me to come in but i told him i dont see junior doctors and i would wait for dr. barry. afterwords dr. barry told me he made a mistake, they all only moved in to the building on monday, and things arent set up properly yet so he took my file by accident. finally dr. barry came and got me. she brought me back to her office. she said she’s going to try to book the same office each week for consistency. she asked me if i thought the building was brighter, did I notice the brightness, I did. she said it was very clinical, like a hospital, not very cosy or comfortable. i noticed that too. in the old building it was cosy, and there was only all mental health staff and clients. this new place there are way more people milling around. its just not as homely. we chatted about the move. she knew i was anxious about it. she asked me when the anxiety started about it. i told her after sarah phoned me yesterday to tell me that they’d moved. she then said she’d ask sarah to meet me each time i am coming in, for a few weeks at least. she said she thought I’d eventually be able to navigate the building by myself. I’m glad she has faith in me because I dont. lol. We talked about my sleep. i told her I am only getting 2 or so hours of sleep a night on most nights. i told her the haldol isnt doing anything for me. where as before it would knock me out completely. she asked me if i would like to try fenergan. its a sedating antihistamine. i cant think of the other name for it. i’ve taken it before though. when i took it before it did knock me out. i only took it while i was hospitalised. she gave me a weeks supply and said take it for 3 night in a row. see how i do with that. see if that resets things for me and enables me to get a better sleep. i havent collected the med yet but i will later this week. we talked a lot about therapy. i told her about the new things eileen is trying with us regarding touch and sensory stuff and about eileens training and about our last two sessions. she said it sounds as if we are doing a lot of very intense work. i agreed. we talked through a couple of other things. but mostly it all centred on the move, and on therapy. at the end she made another apt for me for 2 weeks time. and then she very kindly walked me to the entrance where i waited for a taxi. i think i’ll be ok. i think in time we’ll get used to the new layout and the new building. i’m hopeful that we will.


Hurricane diana!

There is a bad storm outside this morning. It started last night. High wind, rain, and the wind was really whipping up outside, howling very loudly. I wasnt able to sleep with the noise. I am very tired this morning. But I need to go see dr. barry and go get my shot also.
I dont really want to go out in it. But I have no choice. I hope I’ll be ok and manage ok in the bad weather.
I’m going to mom and dads today after I see dr. barry. I got invited to a lunch with the staff of friendly call today too. They are being audited and there is a lunch and they invited me to it. So I will be going to that today but other than that I wont be doing much else today.
The weather warning is in effect until noon. Its pretty bad out there right now.