Blog share!

I was contacted and asked to share this blog so I am sharing it here today. The blogger writes the following about their site.
It’s a personal and honest site, using my experience to describe my coping techniques and trigger awareness methods. It’s not just about helping people now, it’s about saving them.


Clamming up…losing my words…

I have so much I wanna say. I cant. I am lost for words.

My chest is tight my stomach hurts.

I feel clammy, sick, sweaty.

I am losing my shit. I wanna talk but I cant. I need to. I just cant though.

Everything is wrong. So much going on. I just need someone to hear me. Hear what I am not saying…


3rd mentoring apt

mentoring today was really good. we had a very productive session. we mostly discussed work, and entitlements. basically, my dream would be to work part time, or even full time if my mental healthallowed it. I really just want to go back to work at some point. But the last time I had a job coach a few years ago, he basically told me it wouldnt pay me to work, actually, he was a bit of an ars, he really was useless. Even today when I told Aisling about him, she was able to say to me, is it so and so insert his name, she knew who he was without me even telling her, so he must have a reputation for this sorta thing. But anyway, he told me that I should not look for a job because it wouldnt pay me to work, but actually thats not true. Today Aisling and I looked up about my medical card, we didnt really find an answer to the question I had about losing it or whether I would, but we did find out that I can earn 120 euro before any of my payment is stopped. If I earned 120 euro, that would mean I would be able to work about 15 hours. Then we also found out that if you earn between 120 and 350, that 50 percent of your payment is then means tested, and taken into account, and as well as earning the 350 euro, I’d get 88.50 from my benefits, so that would mean I’d come out with over 400 euro a week, double what I am earning now. That all sounds good to me. Of course I’d be taxed on it. But I wouldnt be on a very high bracket of tax. Anyway its just a dream right now, I’m not going back to work just yet nor will I be any time soon. But I am seriously looking into it. I want to try a job coach again. I think I’m going to do that, see if I can work with someone again on looking for work, etc. That was mostly our apt today. Aisling is going to email a contact she has about the job coaching, and next time we are going to call the medical card office and ask about my medical card, and also we’ll ring the community welfare office and ask them do I need to change over my payment from blind pention to disability, would that be better? I said I’d make those calls while I am with her. Then if it turns out I need to fill out any paperwork, Aisling can help me do that. I’m seeing her again in two weeks time.

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Mental wellness challenge, day four

Day Four.

What are your top three intentions for each day and how can you meet them?

Intention 1:

Eat healthy and exercise on most days!

Intention 2:

Do some self care every day!

Intention 3:

Journal! Writing is sootheing to me!

What are yours?

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crappy sleep, again

so its midnight and i am up wide awake and unable to sleep. its so frustrating. i cant settle. i am anxious and feeling like my skin is crawling. i hate this. it feels horrible. i tried a few things, tried reading, tried a cup of herbal tea, tried a shower, still nothing. i dont know what I’ll do. I am just not sleeping at all. If this keeps up I will go downhill fast. Really fast. My mental health is already compramised and if I dont sleep it will only get worse.

Sleeping when I can!

I napped earlier. I am basically sleeping as and when I can! I dont get much sleep at a time, maybe 2 or 3 hours max. At least that is what I got tonight. I lay down today when I got home from work, after I ate I lay down, that was around 4 PM. I slept for a little while, until maybe 6 PM. Then I woke up and got up, stayed up for a while and watched some tv, lay back down at around 8 PM. I slept again for maybe an hour or so. Now I am wide awake. I suppose I’ll be up for the night now. Or until 5 or 6 AM at least.

I am still having very low mood. It comes and goes. Certain times of the day are worse for me. Early mornings, and late night seem to be the worse times. Late at night is especially hard, I think because I am alone with my thoughts then. Nobodys here except me, at least I have Nitro to keep me company, without him I dont know what I’d do!

I am basically swimming, trying to stay afloat, trying to do my normal everyday things, trying to function as normal. Its really hard. I am glad I made it to work today. That felt good to actually go. I am also really happy with my grade I got on my assignment for college! That was a tough assignment! I am happy with 60 percent. I feel I did better than I thought I did on it!

Well thats about it for now! I am going to go see what I can find around here to do to keep me busy for a while!

Catch you all later peeps!

achievements, complex ptsd,

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I am not brave enough to go

I decided I wont go to slimming world this week. I just know I am going to be up, and I don’t want to deal with that. I’d rather not go. I’d rather wait until next week, work on losing the little I have gained, and then go in with a loss next week.

I think that’s wise. I am just not brave enough to deal with gaining the weight. I cant take that disappointment. I don’t want to step on the scales and for them to tell me you’ve gained. I know I’ve been eating badly, I don’t need to have someone else tell me that.

So I’ll give it a skip this week. I texted my PA to tell her, and I texted my slimming world consultant to book the night off.

It means tomorrow I don’t have anything on. I can just relax. Which is what I need as I am totally wiped out.