off

feeling off this evening. not sure why. just feel cranky. tired. slept for 2 hours when i was done with the course this afternoon. got done at 3, came upstairs, fed nitro and then climbed in my bed and went to sleep. slept like a baby for two hours, only woke when one of the staff natalie came in to ask me what i wanted for dinner.
when i woke i thought it was morning, i forgot it had only been 3 when i went to bed.
natalie was in stitches at me, when she left my room i stayed under the covers for another 15 minutes. then a text came in from eileen, she was texting to check on us bless her. so i got up and responded to her. she had gotten 2 emails from Jade last night during our college class. Jade was the one out for it last night to take notes and she was emailing eileen to let her know how we’ve been. i think part of why i’m off is just time o f year, a lot of us hate this time of the year, and just because halloween is over, doesnt mean its over for us, there are other ra dates to overcome.

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Having a risk assessment

so this coming thursday i have to do a risk assessment. its to see that i am able to use a kettle and make tea and coffee without burning myself. then i’ll be able to have tea and coffee making facilities in my apartment. right now i dont have a kettle in here. which is annoying as i love my coffee lol. they have to do this hear to cover their own asses. i know i can use a kettle. i know i can make tea and coffee. i know i’m capable. but they dont know. and its all formality. so on thursday a mobility and orientation officer who also works in the guide dogs on their independent living skills course will come out and do a risk assessment with me. i’m not at all nervous about it. why? because i know i’ll pass it. i’ll just relax and then i’ll fly through it.
carol anne

Happy Saturday

we are having a great weekend. very chilled out and relaxed. Am loving it.

Nitro is having ear trouble again. His trainer was out to see him and how he’s working yesterday and she said she thinks he has a fungal infection in his left ear. So I’ll need to take him to the vet for that. Unfortunately it will have to wait a couple days though. He doesn’t seem to be hurting so that’s good at least.

His trainer and me made a plan for us to learn to do some new routes, we are going to learn the route to the local gym near where I do my ILS course, and we are going to learn the route to starbux which is nearby also. She also taught me how to pick up dog poop, since I’ve never had to really do it, as he’s never gone in public and my mom usually cleans my back yard here at home, but now that I’m staying away from home Monday to Friday I need tl learn to pick up after him.

So yeah fun times ahead for me and nitro!

Mood wise things are pretty good today. I’m functional and I’ll take that over dysfunctional and unstable any time.

Our aunt passed away

our aunt passed away last night. at 3 AM. she passed peacefully in her sleep. her family were with her when she passed away. i decided i would only go to her funeral mass and then for the food afterwords, and not go to the entire funeral. i want to keep doing things which i normally do, it helps me to cope and keeps my mind busy. i cant focus too much on her actual death, it triggers me. i wasnt really there when she was dying, i didnt see her in the hospital, but i did talk to her on the phone once. i feel bad that i wasnt more present, but i had to do what i had to do to keep us safe. our safety is important to me. i went as normal to my independent living skills course, and i am trying to go on with my week as i normally would. i’m glad she isnt suffering any more. thanks everyone for your support, prayers and kind comments. they meant the world to me.
carol anne

mid afternoon musings

so my saturdays going well. my niece and nephew are gone home so peace at last lol. mom and i had a small argument earlier where she yelled at me because she said I annoyed her and was being unappreciative of what she’s doing for me. i stormed off feeling hurt and stormed in to my room and was determined that I’d stay in here all weekend. lol the logic of it now it seems so childlike. or teenagery. a few mins later mom walked in with a caramel latte for me, a peace offering. her way of apologising without actually saying sorry. i was grateful though that it was over. i did say to her after a while that I’d appreciate it if she didnt shout at me, that I am an adult and she cant treat me as if I’m not. she seemed receptive to what I said so thats good at least. other than that saturday is going well. i’m chilling out. i didnt even get dressed today, i refused to get dressed haha. my friend Maeve just rang me asking if I want to go see a band tomorrow night as its the jazz weekend here in cork but I said no. I dont fancy being out in a pub in crowds of people unable to hear anyone because the music is so loud. I would prefer to stay home and watch x factor. which is what i am going to do tonight also. mom is going to see her brothers wife the lady i mentioned some time back whose dying of bone cancer. i havent gone but i did speak to her on the phone this past week. she’s still hanging in there with us 2 weeks after recieving the news that she’s terminal and only had a week to a month left to live. Tomorrow mom said she’d take me grocery shopping. I need to get a few bits to tide me over this week while I’m on midterm. I made a list and I wont be straying from it. Mondays a bank holiday so I plan on having another chill out day.

Its ok, we’re ok

we’re ok. wendy is ok. i managed to get her to go back inside. she was having a meltdown. because our dad was yelling at us. that always triggers us. yelling. he yells a lot. everything was wrong with him today. he moans about everything. its so frustrating. then he takes his moods out on us. that hurts. wendy was just verbalising her hurt. i’m sorry if it worried anyone. we’re ok though. we’ll be ok.
carol anne

THINGS LOOK BETTER THIS MORNING

ITS ME LIZ AGAIN. THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT LAST NIGHT WHEN WENDY WAS SUICIDAL. WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT. WENDY IS SAFE. SHE DID NOT DO ANYTHING THANK GOODNESS. SHE WAS JUST IN A LOT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN AND WAS BEING IMPULSIVE. AS YOU DO WHEN SUICIDAL. SHE IS OK THOUGH. SHE HAS CALMED DOWN. I WONT NAME THE PERSON WHO TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS BEING DRAMATIC AND TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT BUT NEEDLESS TO SAY WE ARE NO LONGER GOING TO SPEAK TO THIS PERSON. WE WILL CUT THEM COMPLETELY OUT OF OUR LIFE. WE HAVE TO FOR OUR OWN SANITY. THEY ARE TOXIC AND NO GOOD FOR US. THIS MORNING THOUGH, THINGS LOOK BETTER. WE SLEPT WELL. WE WOKE UP FEELING REFRESHED. TODAY IS A NEW DAY. WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE CAPABLE OF FACING ANYTHING LIFE THROWS AT US. WE WONT GIVE UP. WE HAVE SURVIVED TOO MUCH TO GIVE UP THE FIGHT NOW. SO YES, WE WILL KEEP ON FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT.
LIZ