So the public health nurse came out to me yesterday, and she helped me to apply for more PA hours. We went through everything together, and she filled out all of the forms that she needed to fill. She went through all of my history also before filling them out, as she had never met me before. We decided to use my did as the primary disability, since I struggle more with that, and my other mental illnesses, than I do with my blindness. Of course, we did also include my blindness, and we also put down my other health issues, like epilepsy, diabetes and asthma.
We talked about what I wanted to use the extra hours for if I get them, and I told her I’d use them for doing housework, socialising and going to appointments, etc. So she decided to ask for 3 extra hours for me per week. I already get 7 hours so 3 extra would be great and if I got those I’d be very happy.
So we’ll see what happens. She was going back to the office to speak to her manager, and see what she would say. It will be up to her whether the forms need to go in or whether they can just call the agency who delivers my pa services, and talk to them directly without actually putting in the application at all.
She said they’d be in touch with me once they know more. I hope thats soon. I have a feeling I’ll be waiting a while, though.
ITS LIZ. I HAVE A LOT OF FEAR IN ME RIGHT NOW. I FEAR EVERYTHING, AND EVERYONE. ITS HARD TO ADMIT TO IT. I AM NORMALLY A STRONG PERSON. NORMALLY I’D JUST SAY, FUCK IT. I WOULDNT LET FEAR RULE ME. I WOULDNT GIVE IN TO IT.
BUT THIS LATEST CONTACT LAST WEEK FROM A PAST ABUSER HAS SHAKEN ME, I FEEL UNSAFE, UNSAFE IN OUR HOME. IT FEELS HARD. ITS HARD TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. ITS HARD TO COPE. ITS HARD TO SOOTHE THE KIDS, THEY GET SO FREAKED OUT, AND TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, WE’RE ALL FREAKING OUT, KIDS, TEENS, AND ADULTS.
WE ARE NERVOUS TO GO OUTSIDE. EVEN LETTING NITRO OUT, WE’RE NERVOUS. WE’RE NERVOUS IN CASE SOMEONE COULD BE OUTSIDE WATCHING US. I KNOW THAT SEEMS REALLY IRRATIONAL. I MEAN, MORE THAN LIKELY NOBODY IS GOING TO BE OUT THERE. BUT BEING BLIND, ITS HARD, WE CANT SEE TO SEE SOMEONE IF THEY ARE.
I GUESS I AM JUST VERY SPOOKED, AND SCARED. WE’RE ONLY GETTING 3 HOURS OF SLEEP AT A TIME. WE’RE CONSTANTLY ON HIGH ALERT. ITS HORRIBLE AND AN AWFUL WAY TO SURVIVE AND LIVE. I WISH IT WASNT THIS WAY. BUT I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CHANGE THINGS.
I’M JUST HOPING WHEN WE SEE EILEEN TODAY THAT WE CAN TALK TO HER. I PLAN ON TALKING TO HER ABOUT ALL OF IT. IF ANYONE CAN HELP, SHE CAN. I’M SURE OF IT. SHE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE FAITH IN HER.
ITS LIZ HERE. WE DIDNT MENTION IT HERE BUT…
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, ONE OF OUR MAIN ABUSERS, CONTACTED US VIA PHONE, AND EMAIL. THEY TRIGGERED RUBY AND SASSY, WHO IN TURN WROTE EILEEN, VERY UPSET. THEY WERE VERY DISTRESSED. AND VERY TRIGGERED.
THEY ARE ONLY 13, BOTH OF THEM ARE 13. WE SPENT THURSDAY NIGHT IN AGONY, IN SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND IN A HIGHLY TRIGGERED STATE.
SO ON FRIDAY WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS PLACE. WE WERE GOING THERE ANYWAY, BUT THE FACT THAT THIS HAPPENED, MADE US WANT TO GET OUT OF OUR OWN HOUSE, AND GO TO OUR PARENTS TO BE SAFE. WE JUST WANTED TO FEEL SAFE.
WE HAVENT HAD ANY MORE CONTACT, SINCE WE GOT BACK HOME. THANK FUCK! I WAS SO SCARED TO COME BACK HOME! I AM AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS, AS YOU WOULD BE. I MEAN, THEY DID AWFUL THINGS TO US, AND I AM AFRAID OF THEM.
TOMORROW WELL TODAY NOW AS ITS ALREADY MONDAY MORNING HERE, WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY. I AM PLANNING ON SPEAKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. I AM PLANNING ON ASKING HER FOR SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AS OUR MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD LATELY. THE ANXIETY HAS BEEN SUPER BAD, AND THIS LATEST INCIDENT OF CONTACT FROM AN ABUSER HASNT HELPED IT.
I AM GOING TO ASK HER IF SHE’LL EITHER PUT SUPPORT IN FROM THE WEEKEND TEAM, OR FROM OUR CPN SARAH. THE WEEKEND TEAM ARE A MENTAL HEALTH TEAM WHO CONTACT YOU OVER THE WEEKEND, THEY’LL CALL TO YOUR HOUSE, TO SUPPORT YOU. THEY CAN ALSO GIVE SUPPORT OVER THE PHONE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS GOING TO GET TOUGH. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH IN ILL HEALTH. MOM HAS COPD, AND MY DAD HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS, BRITTLE BONES, ARTERITIS, AND HE CAN BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE AROUND AT TIMES.
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY HOME SOME WEEKENDS, AND NOT GO TO THEIR HOUSE.
I STILL WANT TO DO THAT. BUT I CANT HAVE ALTERS BEING TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CALLING, AND MAYBE EVEN SHOWING UP AT OUR DOOR. THE LITTLES WOULD OPEN IT WITHOUT HESITATION, THANK GOD EILEEN IS WORKING WITH THEM ON NOT DOING THAT.
BUT IF THE WEEKEND TEAM GAVE US SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AT LEAST WE’D HAVE THEM CALLING AND CHECKING IN ON US. WHICH WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.
I’M PRETTY SURE DR. BARRY WILL APPROVE THAT SUPPORT. SHE KNOWS WE WOULDNT ASK UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT, OR WE WERE DESPERATE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TODAY. WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOMS ILLNESS, ABOUT APPLYING FOR MORE PA HOURS, AND ABOUT THIS MOST RECENT CONTACT, ABOUT OUR SLEEP, EMOTIONAL STATE, ETC.
I FIND MYSELF JUMPING AT EVERY SOUND. I AM LISTENING OUT FOR UNKNOWN SOUNDS. WHEN I HEAR ANY UNFAMILIAR SOUND, I AM STARTING TO SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY. I AM SO FEARFUL. ITS NO WAY TO BE OR LIVE.
SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT!
I’LL LET YA’LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON WHEN WE SEE DR. BARRY!
I’m so anxious. I cant breathe good. My chest hurts. My heart is pounding. I got really triggered. I was having flashbacks, which triggered me to have a panic attack.
I’m so scared. I dont know what to do. Its hard to breathe, I’m also shaking a lot.
Is anyone around to talk? If you are able to write me that will be good. I might feel better if I chat to someone, it might take my mind off the memories.
Right now I am just feeling so anxious. Its 1 AM now. I’m going to make some tea. Because, tea makes everything better.
Emily, age 12
So tomorrow is going to be a chill day. I am so relieved! I’ve been so busy lately. I need a day or two to just chill out!
My moms going to come over for an hour or two and I am going to help her with her forms for disability, she says I am good at wording things, she needs to say how her COPD is effecting her life, and she wants me to help her word it correctly.
She’s bringing me lunch, some soup and a sandwich. Its homemade soup yum yum! She’s also cooking some chicken for me and seasoning it with hot korean pepper spices! I love them! I will have that for dinner with a baked potato.
I will have my PA coming in the evening tomorrow. She’ll just do some housework. Other than those two things, I can have a chill day, I will enjoy my relaxation time!
I napped again today, but that is fine, as no plans tomorrow or on thursday, so that gives me a little leeway to get my sleep back in order.
Me and Nitro are enjoying some quiet time now. I watched an episode of my 600 pound life on tv, it was so sad. The lady who was on it was 640 pounds, and she was trying to get weight loss surgery to help her lose some weight. She was only 34 years old.
Then I started watching abducted in plain sight, a documentary on net flicks, a true crime documentary. I only watched half of it, and will watch the other half tomorrow evening.
I will also watch operation transformation tomorrow evening, after my PA leaves. Ok well, I am off to make some tea! Emily wants a cup of tea and then we will read for a little while!
One small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means you were put to the test and didn’t fall apart.
I really need to quit napping by day. I dont get a lot of sleep, so I’ve been sleeping when I can. I know this is bad though. I know I should only nap for an hour or two max, if I do nap. I should set an alarm or something to wake me up and then just get up and stay awake until a decent hour. I napped earlier this afternoon, and now its 2 AM and I am wide awake. I woke up at about 1 AM. I did go to bed early, at around 9:30. But I couldnt settle, even though I was super tired. Has anyone got any tips, on what you do? Do you have a decent sleep schedule? Or do you sleep at funny hours? I cant be the only one who does can I? I doubt I’m going to go back to sleep now. I will probably stay up and read. Its a vicious circle though as I am busy this morning with slimming world, then I work on friendly call in the afternoon, so by 5 PM I’ll be done in. All I will want to do then is rest. I’ll try to stay up until 10 pm or so though I think. I have to get my sleep schedule back on track. I just have to. I know it isnt good to be asleep during the day and awake at night. And they also say weight gain is atributed to getting little sleep. If I want to lose weight I need to look after my body. I’m just so tired of fighting this sleep thing. Its just getting me down a lot. Sometimes I’ll sleep for 12 hours, its rare, but it does happen, especially when I am at my parents house. I love when I can do that. I feel so refreshed the next day when I get a good number of hours of sleep the previous night.