Just a couple of snaps taken last night. We didn’t do much last night just stayed around the apartment complex had drinks had dinner and listen to music and chatted, it was really nice. Today we are going to a couple of beaches so I should be able to get some nice pictures and I will post them later on today, the vacation is going really well so far we are having a lot of fun.
so i went this morning to be weighed. i was full sure i would be down. i thought if i was going to be up that it might only be a tiny bit. but yeah big surprise. i went in and we talked about my goals for the week. and we talked about my energy leavels and water intake. and my mood. and constipation issues and exercise and my back. then she said she’d weigh me. and oh my god. i was up 4.5 pounds. 2 kg in total. how depressing. i dont know how that happened! i was doing everything right. i have been eating healthily, exercising lots. how can i be up so much weight? i almost cried. i was so disappointed. then i realised that this week would usually be the week i’d have a period, that is, if i got them but now that I dont have ovaries I dont get periods any more. however karen said i could still get the pms symptoms and that maybe I am up because it is the week when i would normally get my periods. I hope she’s right. I cant think why else I’d be up. There really is no other reason that I would be up. She kept telling me not to worry about the numbers on the scales. But I’m a little obsessed. I cant help it. I just did not expect to be up by 4.5 pounds. Thats really disheartening. I told her I’d start exercising today again after taking a couple days off due to my back being too sore to exercise. She told me that if I need to go at a slower pace on the treadmill then I should. So I will. Normally it takes me 12 minutes to do a kilometer. I will try to do it in 15 minutes for the next little while. She also measured my waste today but it hasnt gon down since the last time she measured it. So yeah more disappointment there. I didnt want this result today. But oh well. Just have to grin and bear it and stay positive and hope for the best for next week.
I MAY REGRET THIS OR I MAY NOT
BUT IS ANYONE OUT THERE?
ANYONE WITH DISSOCIATIVE PARTS, OR WHO HAS DID
OR WHO FEELS ALONE AND LIKE THEY HAVE NOBODY
I AM HERE AND I WANT TO TALK
I REALLY REALLY WOULD LOVE A CHAT
I AM FEELING SO ISOLATED AND DESPERATELY ALONE
I AM PART OF A DID SYSTEM AN ALTER IN A DID SYSTEM
A TEEN FINDING HER WAY IN THE WORLD
I’D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW OTHERS WHO CAN RELATE
OR ANY OF MY FOLLOWERS WHO MIGHT LIKE TO CHAT TO ME
I SOMETIMES AM A LITTLE VOLATILE AND ANGRY
BUT I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I ONLY KICK OFF IF I FEEL THREATENED OR HURT
I PROMISE NOT TO KICK OFF NOW I PROMISE TO BE CIVIL AND FRIENDLY
PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME?
slowly ticks the clock
the sound seems to mock
we’d go to bed but we forgot
memories make our brain rot
sun down to sun up we sit
thinking and thinking on it
the moon peaking in
reminds us of blood and sin
nightly torture deep in the past
so many years ago.. but it lasts
no way to shut off our mind
so day after day you’ll find
well i am now in respite. been here about an hour. got a taxi from mom and dads to the centre, of course the traffic was nuts, i was stuck in the city for what seemed like an eternity, so the taxi driver charged me quite a bit more than I usually pay.
when i got here i was met by eileen who is one of the staff, she took my luggage and then asked me if i’d like some tea or coffee, so i went and had a cuppa with her, then i took nitro out to the back garden for a few minutes, and what did the little monster do? he rolled in the wet grass so now he’s soaked through.
just waiting to have dinner now, not sure what we’re having for dinner tonight, but we usually get a choice of two dishes, plus we also get dessert and tea or coffee. After dinner will probably chill for the evening, watchsome tv and read my book. Tomorrow and sunday we will be going out on outings, there are 3 of us in this weekend for respite and then there are also the residents who permanently live here, there are about 10 of them.
SO YEAH IT WAS HARD, IT WAS PAINFUL, IT WAS FUCKING PAINFUL. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE. EILEEN KNEW IT TOO. SHE KEPT ASKING FOR ME, SO EVENTUALLY I CAME OUT. ANGRY, SO ANGRY. I WANTED TO CUT. SHE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. IDIDNT WANT TO. I COULDNT. I HATE FEELINGS. THEY SUCK. FUCKING SUCK. SHE MUST HAVE ASKED ME HOW I FELT 3 OR 4 TIMES BEFORE I’D ANSWER HER AND EVEN WHEN I DID IT WAS BARELY AN ANSWER. WE TALKED ABOUT OUR DAD. I TOLD HER MOSTLY I HATE HIM. I DONT GET ALONG WITH HIM. OUR PERSONALITIES CLASH. AND ANYWAY HE HURT ME A LOT WHEN THE BODY WAS A TEEN. ONE TIME HE EVEN LOCKED ME IN A ROOM FOR 7 HOURS. MOM WAS AT WORK. HE WOULDNT LET ME OUT EVEN THO I FOUGHT HIM AND GOT HURT IN THE PROCESS. HE WAS IN AN ALCOHOLIC ENDUCED RAGE. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CUT SO BAD. I HAVE NOTHING TO HURT MYSELF WITH THOUGH. ALL I CAN DO IS DIG MY NAILS INTO MY ARM. AND RIGHT NOW I AM JUST, DISTRESSED AND OVERWHELMED. THERE, I’VE SAID IT. I AM NOT COPING, I AM LIVING THE TRAUMATIC MEMORIES. EILEEN KEPT SAYING ITS A MEMORY, AND SHE KEPT TRYING OT BRING ME OUT OF IT. I COULDNT THOUGH I JUST COULDNT. SHE KEPT SAYING I’D BE OK, SHE WAS HERE WITH ME, BUT SHE FELT SO FAR AWAY. ONLY WHEN SHE HUGGED ME DID I FEEL REAL, LIKE SHE WAS REAL, I FELT LIKE I WAS THERE, AND COULD HEAR HER HEARTBEAT. IT SOUNDED LOVELY. STEADY, I FELT SECURE. I HATE MEMORIES. SOMETIMES I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. BUT I GO ON BECAUSE MY SYSTEM NEEDS ME. THEY ALL SAY I AM STRONG AND THEY NEED ME TO PROTECT THEM. CAROL ANNE NEEDS ME TO HELP HER FRONT SOMETIMES. I CANT JUST DISAPPEAR. BUT MAN HOW I’D LOVE TO JUST DO THAT SOMETIMES. I GUESS I AM GLAD THO THAT I HAD TIME IN THERAPY THIS WEEK. AND I AM GLAD I GOT MY HUG FROM EILEEN. THAT WAS THE BEST PART.
so i am in respite since yesterday. i went yesterday afternoon. i got a taxi from my moms house to the respite place. i am having fun here. its a very relaxing atmosphere. the sun is shining too which is really nice. nitro is able to go for a run outside, because they have an enclosed yard, so he cant get out. the park is also very near but i havent been there yet with him. i’m in the exact same room as last time, well its not a room, its a little apartment. i asked to be put here again because nitro knows where it is and i know the way from here to the dining room and so i thought it will just be easier if they put me in the same place again. i didnt get up to much last night, just read for a while and watched tv. i was very tired from not sleeping much on sunday night, so i went to bed early and i actually did sleep, even though i was in a strange bed. one of the staff came in at 11 PM to take nitro out for me and i didnt even hear her come in thats how tired i was. I did do my unpacking last night also, but that didnt take long at all. This morning I was up early and showered, had breakfast and then decided to go to the basement club. Thats where i was for the whole day was in there. I’ll probably go there tomorrow too. It was busy in the basement club today, lots of members were in. I went to catch up while I was in there, which is a sort of check in round that we do, where info is given out about all the things going on in the basement club and the local community, and also we do a check in with all of us who are there to see how each person is doing. It happens twice a day at 11 AM and 1:30 PM. There is a lot going on at the basement club over te next few weeks. One day next week they are going to a local leisure centre to play pool and quazar. I dont think I’ll go though because I cant see me being able to participate in those activities. I did offer though to facilitate the members meeting next Monday. I need to take a look at the agenda so I know what is coming up at the meeting. I’ve facilitated before so I know how it goes. Its good experience to do the facilitating. There will be a few trips to different places coming up in august. we are going to a local community art centre to see what art classes they offer and participate in a workshop and have a tour of the place. that centre is very near where i live so if there are art classes that look interesting i may participate in them. denise who is the co-ordinator also told me today about a consumer panel that is going to be starting up. basically the panel is made up of professionals in the mental health field, and service users. you go and you talk about improvements that could be made in the psychiatric hospitals and you also talk about different policies to be implemented for service users. it seems interesting so i said i’d go in september. i also emailed one of the people in charge of the panel to ask him about the training course i heard about, which is a course where service users get trained up on a topic, so say for instance those with bipolar train in giving workshops on that topic, those with personality disorders train on giving workshops in that topic, and then the service user delivers the workshops with a trained health professional. that training wont be starting until January though. I am interested though so I emailed and hoping to hear back from them soon. so yeah its all systems go here at the moment. oh yeah i also heard back from the organiser of my volunteer position in the cork city partnership, she said she was sorry she hadnt been in touch sooner, but she’d been really busy and she said even though my vetting and background check arent back yet i could start mid august if i wanted to. so that is good. she said she would be in touch with a day to start within a week or two. i’m excited to start volunteering there. it will be another opportunity to connect with new people, do new things, new opportunities etc. I’m also going to go back volunteering for the basement club, doing the admin work there. i have to talk to emily who is in charge of anyone who volunteers there, i plan on doing that tomorrow. so yeah alls good here. i’m very happy and content.