Feeling so anxious this morning!

My anxiety this morning is so awful! Its a myth that good sleep gets rid of anxiety. I mean that is if I got good sleep, I didnt. I literally got about 2 hours of sleep. I am not feeling so good since I woke up at around 6 AM.

I feel so sluggish. And so, so anxious. I am jittery, agitated, overwhelmed. Alls I gotta say is I am thankful for therapy in an hour!

Now i just have to get there in one piece!

Its horrible out there this morning, really wet and windy. I am sitting here, mug of coffee in hand, contemplating the day ahead. My brain cant seem to focus. Thats why I am drinking coffee, to try to get my mind focusing.

This anxiety is a killer. I just chewed down my morning meds. I dont take an anxiety med in the morning. I do take prozac though. I am hoping that will do something for my mood, I feel kinda low this morning and I am really hoping the low wont last the entire day.

http://fivedotoh.com/2020/02/24/fowc-with-fandango-myth/

Therapy and long cane training

I go back to therapy tomorrow morning, after a 2 week break. It wasn’t a break I chose, I couldn’t go to my session last week because of having to take Nitro to the vets. Eileen was very understanding. I could have asked her if she could have fitted me in on another day, but I chose not to ask her. I chose to just go a week without seeing her instead.

I am happy I get to see her tomorrow morning. I feel like I really need to see her. I feel like I need to connect with her. I’ve been missing her a lot over this past week. We’ve texted a few times, and one day I sent her a nice quote via text, which she responded to.

After therapy tomorrow I have my first mobility lesson. Its at 2 PM. Again, we were meant to have a lesson last week, and the week before. But the first week the weather was too bad, and last week I canceled due to having Nitro at the vets. This week nothing will get in my way. The weather is meant to be bad again tomorrow, but my instructor has said if it is we’ll go to a local shopping centre and do some work there.

I haven’t used a white cane in years. I am a little nervous about using it. I am not good with the cane. My cane skills are really lacking.

I like my instructor though. I’ve known her for 20 years, as she used to be a social worker and she’s been my social worker with the blindness agency in the past.

Now she does mobility full time. I think she’ll be a good instructor. I think we’re going to get along great and do some great work together.

Scapegoating

I read this brilliant article on scapegoating. I thought I’d share it here. There are steps in it on what to do to break the pattern of being the family scapegoat.

In our family, I was the scapegoat. I was always blamed for what went wrong. Especially by my dad. Sometimes by my mom too though.

I was blamed because I have mental illness, a mental illness that has been diagnosed. Because mine is diagnosed, and my dads isn’t, I was blamed, even when he was the one who was in the wrong.

Everything was always my fault, even when it actually wasn’t.

Things are a bit better nowadays, but I can still be blamed for things, my mom doesn’t blame me so much now, but my dad still does.

I did like this article. I thought it was very clearly explained in it what scapegoating is and how to break that pattern.

https://glynissherwood.com/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat/

Fowc: Making progress

I am making progress slowly with my symptoms. They are improving a little bit. The dissociation hasnt been as bad the past two days. For that I am so grateful. I am still not sleeping great though. Last night I went to bed at 10:30. I read a few chapters of my book, turned it off at around midnight. Fell to sleep almost right away, but woke up again at 3:45 and couldnt go back to sleep until 6 AM. I went on the computer for a while, then I just lay there thinking. Not good. I dont like doing that as my mind starts racing. I start thinking all sorts. Which is what happened to me last night. My anxiety went skyrocketing. I was listening to Nitro snoring softly. He was so cute. Listening to him and reading eventually calmed me down enough that I was able to get 2 more hours of sleep. I woke around 8 AM. I got up then. I am hopeful that I will make further progress this weekend. I’ve started to see improvements in my thought processes too and in the amount of amnesia we’ve been having. This is all positive. I’m not working today. I decided to take this week off of work. I needed a break. I’ll be much more able to do the job after a few days off.

http://fivedotoh.com/2020/02/21/fowc-with-fandango-progress/

Ga!

so we are under another weather warning, this one is for heavy rain, man this weather we’ve been having is trechorous. storms galore! we have had two in the last 10 days. now they are saying that we’re under a yellow rain warning all day today and into tonight. and I gotta go out in it ug le sigh. I gotta go see my psychiatrist at 2 PM. And I gotta get my shot. I take trevicta which is invega in a shot, I get it every 3 months. Right now its pouring out there. Absolutely bucketing down. I just let Nitro out and he took his sweet time, silly boy. He wasnt in any hurry to come in, which is kinda unusual. Normally he runs out does his thing and runs back in, not this morning though. I’ve gotten zero sleep tonight. Not a wink. I am running on lots of mugs of coffee. Caffeine is my friend! I hope my apt with Dr. Barry will go well today. The alters have been arguing amongst themselves about whose going to come out to talk to her. They were so loud! Lots of I want to, no, you cant, because its my turn this week. Ga! I said we’ll just see what happens. We have a lot to discuss with Dr. Barry. I hope we dont forget stuff. Sometimes when there is a lot to talk through we dissociate and forget half of what we were going to say to her. Oh well. I guess I’m going to go and make another coffee.

Awake, well fuck

2:47 and I am wide awake. My sleep is totally screwed up. I had hardly any sleep last night, as you all know, and then today I was busy, so I didn’t have a chance to rest until almost 5 PM.

I went to lie down at around 4:30. I was so exhausted that I fell into a deep sleep. I woke around 7:30. I had arranged a check in call with Eileen at 8, so I stayed up then.

Me and Eileen did talk briefly for a few minutes. And she talked to Emily, Emily told her about what she’d done. We decided that they’d talk properly tomorrow, that was fine, basically it was just a quick call so that Em could tell her what she’d been doing.

After my call, I fell back to sleep until 9:45. I’ve been up on and off since then. I did sleep again a little bit but now I am wide awake. Nitro woke me up at 1 AM to go outside, that is a kinda trigger for us, but I managed it, I let him out.

Tomorrow I’m busy also, I have my PA coming at 9, I have my weigh in at slimming world in the morning, I’m nervous about it, don’t think I’ll be down, not sure, if I am it will be a bonus.

I’m not working today because of going to therapy in the afternoon. I have therapy at 4:30. I’ll have a little free time between when my PA leaves at 11:30 and when I have to leave to go to therapy at 4 PM.

I should try harder not to nap by day, but when I am tired, I am tired, and if I am not doing something, I fall asleep. Its just too easy to do, especially if I go to bed, and am wrapped up underneath my fluffy blanket.