Elemental writing challenge, april 18th

Tears
Cascading down my face
A torrent of emotions surfacing
All at once
I weep uncontrollably
Thinking of all that I have lost
Innocence stolen
A childhood lost
To abuse and neglect
From people entrusted to care
Care they did not
Hurt, trauma and abuse
Was what they put me through
For many, many years
My tears flow
Like a river
I wonder if the waters will ever subside

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2019/04/18/elemental-writing-challenge-april-18/

dr. barry tells me…I’m so proud of you!

Dr. barry and me had a great apt yesterday. It was so lovely to see her. I was so looking forward to our apt after a 3 week break.

During our apt we were talking and she said to me…

Your out of the hospital two years this week. Were you aware of that?

Me? Two years, wow! It has flown!

Dr. barry: I’m so, so proud of you. Your doing great. Your managing so much at the moment, and your coping, you arent in crisis. Well done!

Just hearing her say those words, I’m so proud of you, really helped me so much. I am managing a lot. Easter is hard. Our birthday week is hard. I’ve been dealing with a lot of ptsd symptoms lately. But I am managing, I’m getting through each day. I’m finding that I am able to cope more nowadays.

A few years ago I’d never have been able to do that. I’d have drowned in all the turmoil of the emotional upheaval that is my life sometimes.. I’d have gone into a crisis. I’d have ended up in the psych ward.

Thats real progress that I’m not in there. And to hear dr. barry say that meant the world to me.

I want nothing more than to make her proud. She’s done so much for me. She’s been through so much with us. For six years she’s stood by our side, she has helped us through a whole lot of stuff and we are so so grateful for her support.

When we came out of her office and went to the desk to make the next apt, she asked the secretary to fit me in in two weeks time, the secretary said, I cant, your not here that week, is 3 weeks ok?

Dr. barry hesitated, knowing that I usually see her every two weeks, and knowing also that its hard for me to go longer than that, I panic, I usually cant cope, I get all worried and insecure. But I said, thats ok, 3 weeks is ok.

She said to me, are you sure? I said I was. As we walked together to the front entrance, she said to me, you know, I’m so, so proud of you, you know that? The fact that you even agreed to wait 3 weeks to see me, I know thats a huge deal for you.

I was touched that she realised how important it is to me and how I didnt agree to it lightly. I think we’ll be ok though, although eileen is on holidays too next week, so we have little support next week, but we are able to email eileen if we need to do that.

I’m happy we had such a great appointment, and it feels so nice to be told how proud she is of me. It makes me glow. My heart swells with pride.

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Night time is…

Nights are A scary time for me
Ghosts from my past
Creep in
Unseen faces
Tell me things
Whisper in my ear
Haunt me
I think crazy thoughts
Cant quite stop them
Even though I want to
Sleep does not come
No matter what I do
Holding on
Held together with superglue
I sit, wait
For the night to end
For the daylight to return
Only then
Will I be
Ok, safe, happy

Some self care

This evening I’ve been doing some things to help with my self care.

I took a nice long, hot bubble bath. It was so nice! I really enjoyed it. I sat for a long time in the water just relaxing in it.

I read a book for a while. I got a new book today the new maggie hartley book. However there is a problem with my preorder audible had some problem with it. They’re working on fixing it for me so I can start reading my new book! In the meantime I am reading another book, confessions of a gp, it is a book written by a UK doctor about his practice, its really good!

I made a nice cup of tea and now I am drinking it! As Emily says, tea makes everything better! She’s so spot on about that!

So thats what I’ve done for self care today! Have you done anything or are you going to do anything for yourself today?
Let me know!

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At our parents house

I didnt feel safe at home. I feel so unsafe. So I rang mom. I asked her if I could come over, spend tonight and tomorrow night at their house.
She agreed. So I am here now. I am glad of the company. At least I cant really isolate when I am here.
I booked my taxi to take me to college tomorrow morning. I feel I should make an effort and go. So I booked it and whether I sleep tonight or not I will go.
Its better if I go. It is best if I keep busy. Stay distracted.
My thoughts are a little overwhelming at the moment. So I made some tea. I watched a little tv with my parents. Now I’m in the bedroom where I’ll probably stay for the rest of tonight.

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Struggling a lot

We’re really struggling. Just feel so down…so so low. Couldnt even get out of bed this morning. Have stayed there all day. We didnt even go volunteering. Just feel so depressed. Feel like its just so hard to cope. So hard to want to keep going on. Just feeling this intense overwhelm. Wendy and Liz wrote eileen last night. We did get an email from someone from our past. We didnt respond. But the next couple of weeks are going to be full of emails and phone calls from past abusers trying to pull us back in. always at easter time and around our birthday which is on april 19th. God I hate it. We’re not responding but just getting that level of contact is enough to send us spiraling. Easter and our birthday are always hard for us anyway besides the contact. Lots of bad memories around that time of the year for us. I just feel like isolating. I know I shouldnt. I know thats not good and it wont help. If anyone could I’ll take a hug or some supportive thoughts or good vibes. I’m really hoping to break out of this func. I’m even debating not going to college in the morning. I just feel so unmotivated. Like I cant do it I just cant go. I probably will go though. I just want to stay in bed, hide from the world.

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