My anxiety has returned

yes. with force. it was too good to be true that it might have disapated. now i feel more anxious than ever.

i’m sitting here shaking. trembling all over.

i cant seem to stop it. not sure what has brought this level of anxiety on tonight.

i dont feel triggered. i’m not remembering any horrific thing right now. so why?

it doesnt make sense. has anyone ever experienced a high level of anxiety but you dont know why your experiencing it? you cant seem to figure the cause out?

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Lots of discussions today with dr. barry

I had my apt with dr. barry yesterday morning. we discussed a ton of things. the system, shirley coming out last night and how confused she was. emily and her anxiousness and worry over eileen retiring, did i mention shes worrying about that now? she thinks somehow that eileen is about to retire. and leave us. dont know where that came from but she is really insecure and frightened. anyway dr. barry was great. she reassured us all like she always does. we talked about hospital and our familys reaction to us being in there. and dr. barry pointed out that i seemed angry about it and that she thinks my anger is misplaced, that I seem to be angry at the wrong people and for the wrong reasons, you see, we were talking about how i think my family dont get it, but how i dont have any choice, I have to get it, I cant say no I dont wanna deal with this mental shit illness today, or any day, its here, she said its not their fault for what happened to you in Dublin, i know that, but it hurts, i guess she’s right. i am angry but i’m really angry at the people who abused me, not my family its just its easier to be mad at them. but anyway. at the end of the appointment i thanked her for what she did for us last friday, when she held our hand, it was such a risk to just blurt it out to her, she thanked me for being honest. she said she knew i needed more than just words of reassurance then and that is why she chose to do what she did. i told her it really impacted us all and all of us felt the benefit of her touching our hand and holding it for that couple of seconds longer than usual. I said how I feel touch is so very important to us, good, safe touch. We dont see her again now for two weeks. She asked me how I was feeling about that, did I want to change it back to weekly, but I said no, I want to try stick this out, even though its super hard to not see her weekly, if I start going back now, we’ll be going backwards again, I want to try to build up the secure attachment to her, to know that when i go back in two weeks she’ll still be there, I dont need to worry, i want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can wait it out. I wont drown in the process…emotionally drown I mean.
carol anne

Up and ready to rock and roll and face this day!

not even 7 am and I am up.
dressed, washed, cuppa in hand, ready to face this day full on.
so come on bring it! i’m ready for whatever will happen!
i’m seeing dr. barry at 9:30. cant wait. well actually thats sarcasm because i can wait. i dont want to go. i’m nervous, anxious.
but it will be ok. i trust her. i trust her to keep me safe.
i will trust the process.
okay, time to see to nitro, who slept like a log!
except when i was eating my apple, he was over to me like a shot for the core of the apple which he happily munched!
lol silly pup 🙂

what’s with this no sleep again guys?

its 4:30 am. i might as well get up since i cant sleep any who.
i’ve tried for the past hour just laying there tossing and turning. no luck.
i’m fed up. why is it i can only get one good night of good sleep? do i have to literally be falling down tired and sick before i can sleep? it is ridiculous.
why cant i be normal like a normal person?
i sware i have this non 24 sleep disorder. i’m sure of it.
i’d love to go for a sleep study, but to be honest? i’m not willing to go through all the hassle of going to my gp and trying to get a referal to a sleep specialist. it may or may not happen.
its a chance i’m not willing to take right now, and anyway, where would i find time to go to the doctor?
i barely have enough hours in my day as it is.
honestly though its getting beyond a joke. there is only so much i can do at night. so much netflix i can watch, books i can read etc.
i’m also a little anxious because i will be seeing dr. barry today and i know she wants to talk about the reasons i was overwhelmed last week and went down because of it.
i’m not sure i want to or can go there yet.
but i know she’s going to push me to talk it over.
carol anne

Lazy sunday

well i’ve pretty much had a lazy day today. after the weekend team called this morning, i just went online, did email, browsed amazon, and reserved some items for mom, she wants to get a new lawn mower and grass strimmer.
after all that was done my sister and her partner and their kids came over for dinner, that was nice. we had roast beef. it was really tender, melt in your mouth lol. my sister was working today, she had to do 3 shifts, morning, lunch time and an evening shift, each shift was for an hour, she works as a health care assistant and she works for an agency and the shifts are all short.
after dinner i just read for a while, then sat around talking to my mom and sister. nothing too spectacular. did more email. i’ll never get through all of mine lol.
then at 4 pm my sis dropped me home, she was on her way to work so she said she’d take me. mom decided to come too, she said she’d help me tidy the house for the hour while my sis was at work, and she also said she’d look after the two kids, because they were wanting to come with us.
of course they wanted to use the internet at my house, mom doesnt have it at hers. then they realised they forgot their tablets. my niece wanted to use my laptop but i said no, i didnt want to risk her playing minecraft and getting a virus on my computer.
now i’m just chilling out drinking coffee, think i’ll watch some tv in a little while. mood wise things are stable. i feel good. such a relief after the last week or so of instability.
carol anne

finally a good nights sleep!

i got a good nights sleep. and i didnt think i would.
but i got home from normas house at around 7, drank some tea, and layed down. half an hour later i was out. out like a light.
and i didnt wake again until 4 AM. i didnt even hear my mom come home from her brothers house. normally i’d wake when the front door would slam.
when i did wake, i layed there happy and content, i woke up that way. no bad dreams. no nightmares. no bad memories.
i took out my phone and started reading my book. i read 3 chapters, then went back to sleep for a while longer.
i feel so good this morning. refreshed, and rejuvinated.
am waiting for the weekend team to phone me, they should be phoning soon.

Home from the hospital

we’re home! yay!
we got home around 11 AM. well not home, we went to our parents house.
we should have gotten out of the hospital earlier than we did, but there was a mix up with our prescription. so the doctor on call had to come and write out a new one for us.
its all fixed now though so that is good.
we’re going to stay here until Monday, we go back to the ILS course on Monday. We also see Eileen on Monday.
this afternoon we’re going to our friends house. She offered for us to come over for some extra support which was really nice of her.
nitro was so excited to see us. he wagged his tail and kissed us to death. it was sooo cute.
so yeah, we are feeling good, its good to be home.
carol anne