I WISH…

WE HAD A THERAPY SESSION TOMORROW!
OR…
THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE SEEING DR. BARRY!
CANT COPE! FALLING APART HERE!
LIZ

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Blog share. Ease the ride!

This blog ease the ride is a wonderful blog.
the blogger who writes ease the ride is a mental health blogger. Check her out!

http://Easetheride.wordpress.com/

😀 you wont be disappointed!

so nice to see dr. barry

it was so nice to see dr. barry today. she made me feel so good about myself. she said despite not having eileens support, the most important support person in our life, we are managing, and she said we should give ourselves a ton of credit for doing that and doing it well. she’s so kind to say we are doing it well.
i talked to her about the nightmares i’d been having. she said we can increase the prazosin again if i need to do that. but she is being careful because it is also known to cause mood dips so shes being very careful about increasing it because our mood is low lately.
i told her about claras melt down. she was surprised that we’d had a full blown meltdown but she was glad eileen was able to contain clara and get her through it.
we talked a lot about me being sick. she thinks i may need a steroid nasal spray. she said i sounds like my sinuses are blocked. and that maybe i have a low grade infection that is not going away. since i’ve been sick four times already since christmas, she said that is probably the reason.
i feel a lot better after seeing her. she just made me feel like i can do this. like i am doing a good job. so i will just keep doing what im doing and hoping for the best.

Cant seem to sleep

i cant sleep. ug this sucks. i am up thinking to much. drinking tea to try to calm myself.
thank god i will be seeing dr. barry today!
i really need to talk to her! not having therapy this week with eileen has really done a number on us.
our symptoms have gotten a lot worse!
i’m hopeful she might have some suggestions for us of what we can do while we wait for eileens return.
i dozed a little earlier, but i kept waking up because of not being able to breathe! i kept freaking myself out when i’d wake gasping for air! it was horrible!
think i’ll stay up now. cant see myself getting any more sleep. am kinda scared actually that one time i wont wake up on time and might die from lack of air!
i know, irrational, but well, when you have trouble with your breathing anything becomes a possibility!

dont want to go on

woke up feeling so sad. not sure if i had a nightmare.
just want to die. feel awful. cant take it any more.
feel like i dont want to go on. am surrounded by darkness tonight.
going to go cuddle nitro. i know he loves me and i love him.
maybe he will keep me here and wanting to live.

emotional

i am feeling really emotional. like crying actually. i know i should just let whatever happens happen. but i’m scared. i dont cry a lot. and i cant afford to be seen like this. not by staff here. i just feel upset right now. im missing eileen. i’ve been reading her email over and over. i’ve also been smeling her rose scent bottle. doesnt help that i’m sick. i cant breathe and its triggering. i should go lay down for a little while I think. calm my nervous system down. maybe i’ll go do that.
carol anne

Guest blogger Eve Adams from Revenge of eve tells her story

Today we have a guest blogger, Eve Adams, from revenge of eve.
Check out eves blog at
http://revengeofeveforeveranonymous.wordpress.com/
Below eve shares her story of what it was like to be an alcoholic, now in recovery, Eve tells us what recovery is like also.

Eve writes…

Under the pseudonym Eve Adams, I write anonymously to express my deepest emotions. Blogging is a secret life and for that reason, I enjoy every moment of it. The mystery it creates allows me free range of speech and for this stage of my life, it seems necessary. I am not ashamed of any lessons that life has taught me through mistakes but privacy is key for me. Through this experience, I have learned to set boundaries by breaking my own. I am sharing my true self and at times this is difficult to do behind a mask. Often I feel like an imposter.

I am Eve, a sober bartender in recovery from alcohol. Yes, you read that right. This month,

April 2018, I will have three years sober.

In the beginning, I worked the graveyard shift at Denny’s. They are a 24-hour establishment that does not serve alcohol. Let me be honest, this is the type of restaurant where servers retire! Lol.. Prior to here, I had an extensive career as a fast-paced bartender in local nightclubs so the difference between the two places isn’t comparable. With that said, part of me was dying with my sobriety, a huge part. I can honestly say that I never thought I would step behind the bar again.

A brief history of what my alcoholism looked like. I was living in a town three hours away from home trying to get sober. Living out of my truck, to be exact, because I was kicked out of many sober living homes. I would sleep and drink in the Walmart parking lot. I did so I would be seen by cameras if something were to happen to me. I did this for about three months until I realized I wasn’t getting sober. I was unemployed for two years at this point, consuming a gallon of vodka a day. I made a trip home to spend my daughters spring break with her. It was here I promised my mother I wouldn’t drink and she gave me yet another chance.

I would go on to getting my job at the 24-hour restaurant and secretly I was drinking. This went on for a year before finally, my daughter said she had enough. I wasn’t hiding it as well as I had thought. I haven’t had a drink since that day, three years ago. I had tried everything. I completed six rehabs along with three mental institution stays, they didn’t work. I should be honest and say I didn’t put in the work. I would be employed at the “graveyard” for a year and a half before moving on to a restaurant that served alcohol. I wasn’t the bartender but I did have to make the drinks for my tables. They didn’t have a morning bartender. I worked here for six months before returning to my job at the casino, serving alcohol.

It was a concern for a few but not for me. I knew that I could not have a drink. It will ruin my life, I have the proof, the medal, and the trophy! I had not one desire to drink so when the position came available to work at a full-service bar, I jumped on it. During my interview, I informed the owner of my drinking history telling him if I had one temptation, I would leave. I value my sobriety.

Suddenly I began to feel life again. The part that was missing was in my career. I never imagined myself to be behind a bar again much less sober. There has been one instance that my anxiety was high and I imagined myself taking a shot. In that very moment, I stepped outside and debated leaving but I stayed because I am strong, not stronger than my disease but strong in my sobriety. I remained outside for a few before shaking it off and walking back in. I have been maintaining two jobs since October 2017 and I am happy to report, sober.

My struggle with being an alcoholic has been minimal. It was getting sober that was the hard part for me, remaining sober hasn’t been easy but doable. I find myself enjoying the simple things in life instead of taking them for granted. Today I am medicated for bipolar. I am a different person from who I once was. I now have patience, compassion, and understanding that others struggle too. I am no longer angry or debate every conversation had. I must admit this is the life I have dreamed of and it is mine. Sober. Positive and truly happy!