The trauma conference I attended

I attended a wonderful conference on trauma today. There were 3 speakers who spoke. A lot of it was stuff I knew but I still found it helpful to attend. The speakers were the psychotherapist who works for shine, that runs the basement club, a psychotherapist whose in private practice and who works with trauma, and a social worker who spoke about CBT and two different techniques that she uses in her practice asa CBT therapist. My favourite speaker was the psychotherapist who was in private practice, I could really identify with her and she reminded me of eileen a lot too. She talked about a trauma process called the rewind process, it is the approach she uses. It was fascinating. She also gave a lot of analysis of clients she’s worked with and told some stories about different clients she’s had. She talked a lot about dissociation, about the symptoms of trauma, about trauma approaches etc. One thing she said which really stuck with me was that you dont need to relive the traumatic events all over again in order to heal. That impacted me a lot. I found the talk about CBT good too, I’d never try CBT though. I just dont think its effective, well it wouldnt be for me, but I know it is for many people. And if the things the therapist said today are anything to go by then it really does help some people. She said a client had given her conscent to talk about her case and so she discussed that with us. She was discussing image rescripting and also she talked through how a 12 week CBT course works, there is a lot of homework in the course! A lot of filling out of paperwork! They all talked about symtpoms of trauma, especially anger, shame, loss of control or trying to control everything, etc! It really was eye opening! I learned a lot. The lady whose in private practice said she has a lot of resources that we can have so I need to email her and ask her for the links to them. She said she’s developed an online resource too which we can access. I’m so glad I went though. I came away feeling validated and like healing is really possible.

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Dr. Barry apt. Making a plan

so saw dr. barry this morning. it was a good apt.

we talked a lot about the accident. i filled her in on what happened. she was shocked! she said how lucky we all were to survive and that none of us were seriously injured.

we talked about the ptsd symptoms I am experiencing. she said its quite normal to have them. that if I didnt there would be something seriously wrong. she said its now a question of if they persist, what should we do about it.

she decided to give me some PRN meds to help me sleep. she has put me on haldol prn. she told me to take it for 3 nights, but no more than that, like, dont take it for more than 3 consecutive nights running. but she said i could take it as needed, just that if i need it more than 3 nights, that i need to take a break before taking more of it. so she’s put me on 5 mg tablets. so we’ll see how they work.

she said if things dont improve she will consider putting me on an SSRI like prozac, which is now used in the treatment of ptsd. she said antianxilitics arent really used in the treatment of ptsd. so she wouldnt be giving me any of those. it was a good conversation that we had.

we talked about the support I have right now from sarah the CPN. I had her support due to the time of year. so Im finishing up with her now, for now at least. She will phone me one more time though. I only had phone support from her, not in person support.

we talked about halloween. i told her it was hard for me these past few nights. she said all things considered we are doing well. i agreed. we’re managing even though its super hard.

i told her about starting the mental health in the community course on 5th december. so i’ll have to move my apts to a wednesday afternoon. i asked her if that would be ok. she said yes of course. she said doing the course will be good for me. and its 3 hours a week so manageable. she congratulated me on applying.

i said I am very happy that I applied. And I think it will benefit me in my volunteering. so Im happy im doing it.

So now we have a plan. Take the haldol for now. 5 mg when I need it. Maybe go on an SSRI like prozac if needs be if things dont improve. And maybe see sarah for more support in the future if I need some extra support.

She said she’d see me again in two weeks time. We still havent moved to the new building. It may even be january now before we move. Just not sure. No ones sure really what is happening. But I guess we’ll see. Just take things one step at a time.

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Life is hard tonight

Im swimming in pain right now. Grief. Pain and memories and trauma. Ug. This is hard. This is shit. I feel like crap.

Im trying to distract. I have a show on tv and Im trying to watch it. Its not really working. Think now is the time I wish I had some meds that’d knock me out. Some PRN meds.

I used to take Haldol PRN. But now I don’t. Now I wish I did.

I may ask dr. barry for some tomorrow. I hope she’ll ok it.

I really wish I did not feel so bad. It feelsjust so horrible.

seeing dr. barry she had news for me

so i saw dr. barry this morning. Our appointment went well.
we talked about the fact that my mood had dipped for the last week, and how I was going to go back to the basement club and mind my mental health better than I had been doing. she thought that was a very good idea. I told her about all the staff changes in the basement club, how unsettling the whole thing was for us. She agreed it would be and could understand why it was effecting us so deeply.
we talked about symptoms, mainly sleep, mood, and dissociative stuff. I told her about therapy, about this weeks session. We decided to wait until the end of the month before adding back any more meds to our regime. She asked me if there were any more incidents of insiders trying to OD or stockpiling meds, I said there wasnt. So the next time I see her she said she’d look at adding back the prozac and lyrica or maybe just one of them, she said we’d talk about it at the next apt.
She asked me if the social worker Mary had called me to let me know about applying for more PA hours, how I’d have to go through my public health nurse to apply, that the social worker cant do it for me. I said she had called me. Then she broke the news to me as gently as she could.
Mary is moving on. She will no longer be the social worker on dr. barrys team. She got another job, a better one, and she took it. She’s not even with the team a year yet. And now she’s moving on. I was just getting to know her and now she’ll be gone.
I sat and listened, and sighed inwardly. Honestly, I wasnt shocked. I did however expect that she’d be around longer than 8 months. But well, she wont be. So I guess thats that. Someone new will be appointed. So it will be me trying to get to know another new face, another new social worker.
Dr. barry did say that she thought that there would be no social worker on her team for a while. She didnt know how long it would take before a new one will be appointed. Mary is working out her notice and then she will leave.
There is one small consolation. At least I hadnt built up too much of a relationship or bond with her. We were only just starting out. That is one good thing at least. There wont be another painful goodbye.
In fact if I am honest, I didnt think she was all that good at what she did. Granted I am comparing her to Karen, who was brilliant at what she did, but still. She mary, just expected me to do everything, and did not do much of anything herself. I am all for advocating for oneself but well when a social workers job is to do certain things, and then they say you can ring this or that person, speak to them, and stuff try to get done what you had asked her to do, its not good.
Dr. barry also told me new junior doctors had started this week. Two male doctors. It really doesnt make a huge difference to me, I dont ever have to see them, but I prefer when there is a female on the team, just in case dr. barry is ever out or on holiday, I have a doctor I can go to in an emergency. But these new ones are both males.
Those two pieces of news were the big pieces.
she is bringing me back in 10 days time, because on the day she’d usually see me there is some other clinic going on and she cant see patients on that day, so she asked me if I wanted to come back in 10 days time. I said that was fine, but it now means I will have therapy and my dr. barry apt on the same day.
I bet I’ll be exhausted after two apts in one day!
Anyway, it was a good appointment overall.

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Goals for Wednesday

Hi everyone 😀
Goals for today wednesday are…

1 eat healthy meals
2 shower
3 go see dr. barry
4 talk to dr. barry about the hard stuff thats been going on re:suicide and stockpiling meds
5 visit with my mom
6 go to slimming world
7 read my book
8 go to bed early

Hopefully I’ll achieve them all!
😀
carol anne

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FROM LIZ STILL STRUGGLING

IM STILL STRUGGLING THINGS HAVENT CHANGED FOR ME SIGH I DONNO WHEN OR IF THEY WILL IT JUST SUCKS TO BE STRUGGLING SOOOO MUCH
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I EVER DID TO DESERVE THIS SIGH
LIZ