I also saw mark my OT this morning. that went well.
We dont meet often nowadays. It was 3 months since our last apt.
He said he’s really proud of me. He said we dont need to meet as much now, since I am mostly doing stuff on my own initiative. He said I am making his role redundant.
He was joking of course. But it was nice to get the praise.
We talked about me finishing up the ILS course, and about my plans for summer.
I said I’d like to be less busy over the summer months. I want to take some time to just recharge my batteries.
He said he thought this was a really good idea.
I told him I was going to continue volunteering and going to the basement club. He encouraged me to do that.
In the end we decided to meet in a months time to discuss future plans and set some goals.
I told him I was thinking about doing a CE scheme, community employment scheme. But that I’d just gotten my disability payment sorted out and I wasnt sure because it was so much hassle if you decide to come off disability that doing the CE scheme almost didnt seem worth it.
but I said I’d decide nearer the end of summer what I was going to do.
If I dont do it, I will up my volunteer hours, and to be honest, I’m leaning more towards doing that.
It was a great catch up appointment though. Nice to catch up after a few months of not meeting
its morning already? I cant believe it!
I didnt want to get up! I was having a nice dream! And then my alarm woke me!
Ug! I got up at 6:45, stupid o’clock! I’m leaving in 20 minutes to go to the hospital for my two apts.
First I will see Mark my OT. Then dr. barry. I hope it wont be too busy up there. Well I’ll be first there, so I shouldnt have too much of a wait!
Ok better run and take my morning meds now. Will write about both apts when I get home!
I DONT WANT TO MEET THIS DAMN SOCIAL WORKER. I WISH WE DIDNT HAVE TO MEET HER. IM NOT FEELING GOOD THIS MORNING. NOT REALLY FEELING UP TO CHATTING. AND SHE’S NOT KAREN. AND I DONT WANT TO GET USED TO SOMEONE NEW. I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO.
JUST EMAILED EILEEN. FEEL SO UNSETTLED THIS MORNING. REALLY REALLY NOT UP FOR MEETING MARY. JUST REALLY FEELING LIKE I CANT COPE WITH TALKING TO SOMEONE NEW THAT I DONT REALLY KNOW.
UG. I BETTER GO START GETTING READY SO I WILL LOOK PRESENTABLE.
so i woke up in a grumpy mood. i only went to bed around 3 AM. i didnt sleep too good. i tossed and turned and woke up a lot.
eventually i got up at around 6. had a shower and was debating whether i’d go to my dr. barry apt this morning. eventually i decided i wouldnt. i’d skip out on it.
i’m going to call them in a little bit to reschedule it. i rarely do this. i just feel too grumpy to be waiting around in the clinic. i could have to wait around for up to 2 hours. i’m not up for that.
Im sure dr. barry will wonder why I skipped my apt. She knows if I ever do this that there is usually a very good reason.
So it is gonna be a chill out day today. May have a nap this afternoon if I get too tired.
never have I needed dr. barry more than I do now.
thank god my apt is tomorrow morning. i didnt plan it to be that my apt would be this week, but now i am thankful it is. i am thankful it fell during this week because of it being may day today and we’re having a hard time of it with that.
therapy and seeing dr. barry in the same week, thats great. i’m so happy both apts fell on the same week.
i dont know if dr. barry remembered that today is may day. i mean everyone knows about may day, but no one knows the significance of it for me due to being a sra survivor.
im sure if she looks back at my notes she’ll remember. she usually does look at them before i go in to see her. so probably she’ll know, but i plan on telling her anyway.
i’ll be just so happy when today is over. we’re really struggling to get through it. its hell.
todays been busy with appointments. I had 3 in total.
This morning I saw Mark our OT. That went well. It was just a catch up really just to touch base and see how things are going for us. we talked about making a plan going forward. i told him i’d like help with interview skills. that is for when i go to the job coaching service employability. i’ve been referred to them and will be going probably starting in january. mark said he could help me with interview skills and techniques. we talked about the appeals process for the appeal for more pa hours. they had said they’d like mark to do more independent living skills with me. but he said he doesnt think i need them. and he doesnt really know what he can offer because my daily living skills are very good, i dont need any help with those. and the other type, community based skills, he is working on. so really there is nothing more he can offer. but basically we are going to wait for a response from the irish wheelchair association to see what they want and are suggesting. we talked about meeting end of november, and when we do we will plan going forward.
after seeing mark, i went in to see dr barry. we had a long and productive chat. i told her i didnt get an interview for that peer support worker job. she was disappointed for me but i said it was ok that i was over it now. it probably wasnt the right time and i am going to focus on healing and on my volunteering for now. i told her i had to have an abdominal scan and asked her if it would be ok if i take a haldol beforehand. she said yes i could. so that is what i am going to do. we talked about med management. i told her that i am still forgetting to take mine regularly. she asked if it was all of the time or how often. i said a couple times a week. we talked about me having them blister packed because at least then i’d know what i’ve taken. they used to be blister packed befoore but some of my meds are too big to fit in the blister packs. but i said i’d ask the chemist to do it again for me. i tried setting alarms on my phone, but to no avail. we talked about the time of year and i told her it was sucky and that even though i went away this weekend i still had a pretty hard time. i was glad i went away though because there was no contact from abusers. and yesterday when we came home we didnt turn on our computer. that was a choice we made to not have any screen time. i told dr. barry that taylor was very upset at the weekend because she was scared of the fireworks. we talked about therapy and having no therapy this week but i told her eileen was doing a phone check in with me tomorrow night. she was very encouraging and asked me if i’d like to come back in a week rather than in 10 days time. she knows i’m really struggling with this time of year and she knows i need her for the extra support. i’m glad she’s willing to be flexible. it really helps.
i went to the basement club after seeing dr. barry. i had mentoring with julie. it was good. we talked about doing up a time table for november. julie said she’d email me on things that were going on in november and i could take the info and make up a timetable and fill it in with things i’d like to do or go to attend etc. then julie told me she was leaving on friday. its very sudden. she had some personal things come up in her life. and her college said she could finish her placement back in her home town. so that is what she is going to do. i will be sad to see her go. she is a really nice person. she thanked me for allowing her the opportunity to work with me and to mentor me. i said i enjoyed working with her and hoped she got a lot out of it. she said she did. she said she has learned so much from the members, and that its real life, and nothing she had read or learned from books coule compare. the other thing we talked about was me maybe looking up the info for friendly call and me maybe volunteering for them. friendly call is a service that works with vulnerable people. they give the people on the registry a daily call, just to see how they are doing and to check in with them. i am interested in working with them so i think i will look in to it. julie is going to send me on the application form and info. so that was mentoring today.
Its been a busy sorta day.
We saw Dr. Barry today. It felt so good to be going to see her. I was feeling so emotional this morning, missing our therapist eileen, wanting a hug from her and to be reassured that things will be ok, and I’ll be ok. I talked to Dr. Barry about it. She said it is ok to be missing Eileen, that it is healthy and when you have a healthy attachment to someone it is normal to miss them and want to see them when they are not there. She said I am not too needy, that it is great that I am able to admit that I need her, and I miss her. That thats healthy. She noted that a few months ago when I wasnt so attached, I might have coped differently by self harming, or doing other behaviours that were unhealthy, but that now I can say I miss her and I am sad and scared and feeling vulnerable. I told her I was desperate to see her today because I needed her reassurance because she is my other safe attachment. She said she was glad she was able to fulfil my need and be there for me in that way. We talked about my pharmacy fiasco last week, and I told her how my GP had said that she had been so clear in her fax to him in saying I should only be given a weeks worth of lyrica. She said he misinterpreted her and that is not what she was saying. I told her I’d kinda lost it with my gp and then felt stupid afterwords. She said it must have been hard to get angry with him because he’s such a good gp and really cares about his patients. Of course then I had to say how much I think she cares about her patients too. We talked about my family and spending christmas with them. I told her I would be spending new years eve with mom and dad and she asked me if new years eve was triggery for me. i said no not really. We talked about me possibly working part time once I finish college. She said she thought it was a great idea. She thinks I’ll be ready and even be emotionally ready. I am so happy she thinks that about me. She said she thought my moms advice of keeping some of my entitlements and just working part time was sound advice. I bet my mom will be happy to know dr. Barry thinks she gave me good advice. We talked about my partner jess and how she is doing. Dr. barry said it must be a relief to me that she is doing better, I said yes it sure is. I told her that Eileen is coming in especially just for us next week. She said thats lovely and we must feel really good knowing she will do that for us. I said we do and we also appreciated dr. Barry coming in today to see us too. I had tried to record my appointment but I messed up when I upgraded my audioboom account so it didnt work. Hopefully it will next week.