for my new readers, and my old readers too, here are 5 random facts about me.
I’ve been to disneyworld in florida twice. In 2008 and 2009. It was a lot of fun. something that if you can afford it I think everyone should go there.
I love the ocean. I love sitting listening to the waves crashing. I find it very peaceful.
I collect dvd’s. and cd’s. I enjoy movies and music very much.
I’ve had 3 guide dogs. Nitro is my 3rd dog. My other two were females. His personality is a lot different to the female dogs I had. He’s more cuddly and loving I think.
I like raising awareness about mental illness. I try to do it when I can. I’ve given talks and educated doctors on did and ptsd. Its something I’m passionate about.
What are some facts about you?
its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.
Yep its fathers day. despite my dads recent behaviour and despite what my thoughts are on it, i spent it with him and the rest of my family. the weather here today was hot and sunny and so we spent the day outside in my parents back garden. it was a really nice day, and everything went off ok today which felt so good. i gave our dad a card with some money in it and some lottery tickets and he won 10 euro on the lottery tickets, I also played a request on our local radio for him. He seemed to like that I did that, he got a kick out of it.
Things are a lot better for us today. A lot calmer. We had a terrific day. The weather here was beautiful today. I spent the day at my parents house out in their garden. Nitro was in his element, he really enjoyed being out in the garden running around. My sister came with the kids and we all had a fun time. Tomorrow mom and us and our sister and the kids are going to the beach and doing a BBQ on the beach. I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to a long walk on the beach, and a big 99 icecream cone on the way home. I promised the kids I’d get them an ice cream cone with a chocolate flake in it. The BBQ should be fun. We’re going to BBQ sausages. The weather for the rest of this weekend is supposed to be fabulous. Its my cousins birthday tomorrow, I got her a card and am giving her some money and a lottery ticket. Mom and me and my sister were going to go to my aunts today to drop her presents and cards off to her but then my sister was too tired so we never ended up going. My other aunt whose moms other sister called this evening and I spent some time chatting to her and mom which was cool. I’ve also been burning cd’s all day onto my computer. I am trying to rip all of my music and rip all of my movies and its going to take me forever lol. I have so many you see. My new dvd’s and cd’s i got on ebay havent arrived yet. I’m anxiously waiting for them to arrive. Maybe they’ll come on Monday. I hope you’ve all had a good day today. What are your plans for the weekend?
Fully experience THIS moment, breathe in, breathe out – nothing more.
Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday I had an apt with my OT mark. It was a really good apt. We talked some more about options for me to do a college course. I am still interested in something related to childcare. at least I was until I got a phone call yesterday evening from one of the tutors on the other course I am interested in which is called issues in substance use in youth and community work. When the tutor rang me she said she’d send me an application form and brochure which she did and i’ve sent it on to mark, I also sent him an email this morning asking him to fill out the application form with me. But back to yesterday and the apt. We talked about the childcare course. And the supports I may need in the college. Funnily enough the course in issues of substance use in youth and community work is taking place in the same college where the childcare courses I wanted to do are. The thing is I only want to go part time. And the substance use course is part time. The childcare one is full time and that is way too stressful for me. Plus I’ve gotten a volunteer position with cork city partnership as an office admin worker I’ll be doing up letters, writing email and answering phones. Its only 1 day a week but then I also volunteer at the basement club, I’ve taken a small break while I was hospitalised recently but I will be going back to it soon. I work better under less pressure so that is what myself and mark talked through yesterday. Then we got on to talking about the adaptive technology and home improvements. I had asked him to request a price on a frame that goes around my toilet, which he did, but yesterday he said that rather than having me pay for it, he should refer me to the community OT and she could do an assessment and then I should be able to get the frame on my medical card. Since I’ve been having balance issues and postural hypertention that is why I need the frame. I told him I am having the blood pressure monitor done next week to see if my meds are causing my blood pressure to drop. so we decided to wait until we meet again in 3 weeks time to make a final decision about the adaptions to my home. I also have to see what equipment I might need and send him a quote for it, then he will get Karen the social worker to do a funding application for me. That was the bulk of our appointment. I did talk to him some about my ongoing symptoms. He always checks in with me about how I’m doing, what is going on for me, etc. Which is really nice. He’s a good listener and I was able to get a lot off my mind before I ever went in to see dr. barry.
When you are aware that you are the force that is Life, anything is possible. Miracles happen all the time, because those miracles are performed by the heart. The heart is in direct communion with the human soul, and when the heart speaks, even with the resistance of the head, something inside you changes; your heart opens another heart, and true love is possible.
Don Miguel Ruiz