My name is Kelli. I am 16 years old.
I dont come out to often. But I wanted to come out and write about the time I spent in therapy yesterday with eileen. I had a really good session. It was really useful to be able to talk things out with Eileen. She is a really good therapist, and she was so nice to me.
I am a dark, in Liz’s system. I have a lot of trouble with contacting abusers, I dont initiate it, but when they email us I have responded to them before. I know now that this wasnt a good idea. I should be staying away from them. I do know this now. And I am trying hard.
I want to do right by our system. Liz doesnt allow us to contact the abusers. When she found out I did it, I got in a lot of trouble.
So she said I had to go to therapy and talk. So thats what I did.
Me and Eileen talked about my feelings surrounding the abusers, I have a lot of feelings that are very confusing. In a way contacting them makes me feel valued. Even though deep down I know they are using me. I know they dont care, I talked to eileen about the response I got from one of them when I told him I wouldnt be meeting him over easter, he got mad at me and threatened to hurt the kids in my system.
Thats a huge worry for me, as they’ve been though enough trauma and hurt in the past from abuse and I dont want that to happen to them again.
Eileen asked me if I’d be disappointed if they didnt contact me. I had to think on that for a while. I guess honestly? Yes, but only because its part of who I am, I’ve always been abused, and I dont know any other way to be. I dont have another job, or role in our system, but I am going to try out some stuff, starting this weekend, I am going to come out when we’re away with our mom, and go shopping, and eat out etc. Just to see what thats like. Normally I am only out for reasons that are bad or when someone needs to respond to an email from an abuser.
It will be good to be out for something else, some other reason.
I am glad I talked in therapy. I was able to see a lot. Wendy offered to support me which was also nice. She’s been through this in the past, and Eileen asked her specifically if she’d be willing to support me through it.
I am so glad I have people inside who get it, and I have eileen, dr. barry and all of you our friends too. Thanks for being there for us.
love you all,
Kelli age 16
busy day today here with therapy this morning and then work this afternoon. I am so wrecked now. absolutely shattered and just feeling so drained. feel like i’ve been hit by a frait train. i am trying to unwind, watching tv and maybe going to read in a little while.
therapy was hard. darks got time to talk about contact from abusers and their feelings around that. they also talked about last week and eileen managed to get it out of one of them why we didnt come in. I will try to write about it at some point, or have Kelli the teen who actually talked to eileen write about it.
I just really feel like having an early night tonight. I am shattered.
I dont know if I can though. Not sure how our sleep will be. We didnt do well last night as we had a storm here, wind and lots of rain and it was lashing off the windows and keeping us up.
Going to try for an early night though, if I can I will have one. I am working again tomorrow afternoon. Also, got on to tech support for my broadband as it keeps dropping the connection, and they made an apt to come out to me on thursday morning, to look at it and see what the problem might be.
At least my morning is free tomorrow, I can relax for the morning before working in the afternoon, work was good today, despite the weather being bad, the atmosphere in the office was awesome.
So I got woken by gusty winds. Its wild out there guys! Really wild!
Now I cant go back to sleep! I keep thinking weird things! Frightening thoughts. Scary scary thoughts. I hate this!
Its 3:41 AM. I’m wide awake. So might as well make a cup of something, chose to make some coffee.
I’m kinda nervous about our therapy session this morning. I wonder how it will go. I get anxious just before session a lot. But because we didn’t show up last time, and I know Eileen wants to get to the bottom of it as to why, that’s making me a little more anxious than usual.
I trust Eileen though. I know if anyone can get the full story as to what is up she can. I just have to leave her to it. She is kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, she will help whoever is scared of therapy right now to talk about why.
Well better go drink my coffee before it gets cold. I hate cold coffee. 😛
HERE IS WHAT MY THERAPIST EILEEN SAID, IN RESPONSE TO SOMETHING I WROTE HER ABOUT OUR ABUSERS AND ABOUT US CHANGING EMAIL ADDRESSES.
Thank you for the change of email address. I do hope things have settled down somewhat now that you are at your parents house. I get your anger and upset at missing the session and feeling of helplessness as to what actually happened. We will get to it on Monday. Breathe….
In the meantime have a good weekend, all will be well!
LOVE HER! SHE IS SO REASSURING!
OMG GUYS! IM STRUGGLING SO DAMN MUCH TONIGHT! CANT COPE WITH THIS LEVEL OF FUCKING ANXIETY! IM REALLY FREAKED OUT! I JUST CANT DEAL! IT FEELS LIKE I’M ABOUT TO EXPLODE! MY HEAD IS SO FULL, BUZZING WITH THOUGHTS, MY EMOTIONS ARE SO ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE. ITS ALMOST 2 AM. I WENT TO BED EARLY WITH ALL INTENTIONS TO GO TO SLEEP AND STAY ASLEEP. I WAS IN BED BY 9:30. I SLEPT ALL OF ONE HOUR. ONE FUCKIN HOUR GUYS! I WOKE UP AT 10:45 AND I’VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE. I REALLY NEEDE TO GO TO THERAPY TODAY. DAMN DISSOCIATION! BUT I REALLY THINK THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN JUST THE DISSOCIATION, I THINK SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, A PAST FUCKHEAD ABUSER HAS TOLD PEOPLE NOT TO SHOW UP TO THERAPY NOT TO GO. I EMAILED EILEEN. I TOLD HER HOW I FELT. SHE HASNT RESPONDED BUT THEN SHE NORMALLY DOESNT SO ITS NOT UNUSUAL. THEN MY FUCKIN EMAIL WENT BUST. I HAD TO MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT FOR EMAIL AS WE CANT REMEMBER THE PASSWORD TO GET IN TO OUR OTHER ONE. GO FIGURE. SO NOW I WILL HAVE TO CHANGE ALL OF MY IMPORTANT STUFF OVER TO THIS NEW EMAIL ADDY. I WILL TRY TO UPDATE EVERYONE WITHIN THE NEXT FEW DAYS. IT WAS OUR MAIN EMAIL ACCOUNT TOO, THE ONE THATS UNDER SHIRLEYS NAME. AND ALL OF OUR IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE BILL NOTIFICATIONS AND STUFF GO THROUGH THAT ACCOUNT. SO THAT JUST FUCKING GREAT. I WAS SO PISSED. ALSO BECAUSE ABUSERS WERE CONTACTING US ON THAT ONE, I DECIDED TO JUST WELL DITCH IT WHEN THE PASSWORD WASNT WORKING AND I HAD RANG THE TECH SUPPORT FOR MY ISP AND TRIED TO CHANGE IT BUT COULDNT, SO I JUST SAID FUCK IT ITS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST AND MADE A NEW ONE. ANYWAY. I’M RAMBLING, SORRY GUYS. I KNOW YOUR PROBABLY TIRED OF MY FUCKEDUPNESS. I AM TIRED OF IT TOO.
Omg! I am so pissed! Dissociation sucks! It really fucking sucks!
I was meant to be going to therapy today. I didn’t go! I dissociated and missed my session!
And I didn’t even notice! It totally slipped my mind! Or else someone in the system blocked it from our awareness.
Eileen texted me, asking if I was on my way, as the time we were meant to meet, 11 AM had passed, it was 11:25 by this time! I immediately rang her back apologising! She was concerned as this has never happened before!
I don’t know what to think. I am also concerned.
I think somethings up. I think people from our past may be contacting people inside! And telling them not to go to therapy or to just not show up! That wouldn’t surprise me at all if that was the case.
Eileen talked to us for a few minutes on the phone. Then we said we’d see her on Monday. She said we’d get to the bottom of this then. I hope we can!
I am just so bloody pissed off! Now I haven’t had therapy, and I haven’t seen dr. barry! I have had no one from our team for support this week, oh my god, fucking sucks!
Night time sucks. It really fucking sucks.
I cant sleep. My mind is racing. My thoughts are a jumbled mess.
I’m switching like crazy. We’re really out of sorts tonight. At least my dog is asleep. Nitro is snoring softly, his snores are calming me a little bit.
I really feel awful. I feel so so low. I just want to burst out crying. I wont though. I cant.
I’m too scared that I wont be able to stop when I start. Maybe I should, maybe it’d be good to release the emotion that’s built up.
My day went ok, I mean mostly it was ok. But the anxiety is overwhelming tonight. My parents are both asleep, I’m the only one in the house whose up.
Maybe I can sleep soon. I hope I can.
Depression, and sadness feel so awful, they just totally suck, and I don’t want to feel if this is the way I feel. Its going on for days now, this horrible cycle of emotional overwhelm. I cant stand it.
If anyone is around could use a hug or some support.