tonight I am scared. i have a longing to hug eileen. I feel scared. Scared she’ll leave us. She hasnt said she will. Nothing happened to prompt this feeling but I just feel sad and scared and alone.
I emailed her. I’m sure she’ll respond when she reads it and reassure me everything is ok.
These feelings feel huge.And its hard to manage them.
The littles are freaking out and tears are falling tonight.
We miss her. We need her to hold us. Tell us we are ok, it will all be ok. We’ll get through it.
There is a break coming, the week after next. We arent really prepared for it. We never are prepared though for any break. Breaks are awfully hard for us.
Why are we thinking about it now with two weeks to go?
Who knows. We are worriers and its in our nature to worry.
I guess we were just missing her tonight and so thought of the break and how we wont see her for almost 10 days and we got really freaked out because it felt so long.
sigh. always something isnt there? The therapy process and relationship can be so hard.
ITS ME, PIXIE. YESTERDAY I HAD MOST OF OUR THERAPY SESSION. IT WAS SO HARD. I WAS NOT IN A GOOD PLACE EMOTIONALLY. I WAS DEPRESS, FELT HOPELESS. EILEEN TOLD ME THOUGH THAT THE HOPELESSNESS IS ACTUALLY A MEMORY SURFACING. THAT THATS NOT ME. THAT ITS A YOUNGER PART OF ME. AND YOU KNOW, SHE’S RIGHT. BECAUSE I FELT A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME RIGHT THERE RIGHT THEN. SHE WAS ABOUT 16. AND SHE FELT SO HOPELESS, TRAPPED, LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. YOU SEE, THE ABUSE CAME OUT WHEN OUR BODY WAS 14, THAT IS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE WAS REVEALED. BUT, YEAH THERE IS A BUT. IT DID NOT END. WE WERE LEFT IN THE BORDING SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER YEAR AFTER THE INITIAL DISCLOSURES. WHY, YOU MAY ASK. TRUTHFULLY, I DONT KNOW. IM NOT SURE WHY OUR MOM CHOSE TO SEND US BACK THERE, ITS SOMETHING WE HAVENT FORGIVEN HER FOR. BUT WE WERE LEFT THERE, AND THE ABUSE CONTINUED, AND NOT ONLY DID IT CONTINUE BUT IT GOT WORSE. WORSE BECAUSE WE CHOSE TO TELL SOMEONE. WE CHOSE TO TRY TO GET OUT, TRY TO GET HELP. BUT WE WERE WRONG. WE DIDNT DESERVE THE HELP. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE THINKS. ALL SHE CAN SEE IS THAT SHE’S TRAPPED, AND THERE IS NO WAY OUT. SHE HAS TO STAY IN THE ABUSIVE SITUATION EVEN LONGER. NO ONE CARED. NO ONE TRIED TO HELP HER. NO ONE GAVE A FUCK. NO ONE CARE IF SHE DIED, OR LIVED. SO YESTERDAY IN THERAPY SHE WAS REALLY NEAR THE SURFACE. EILEEN SAID SHE’D WORK WITH ME ON TRYING TO GROUND HER INTO THE PRESENT. AND I SAID I’D TRY IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP HER FEEL BETTER. BECAUSE THE HOPELESSNESS IS HORRIBLE, AND EFFECTS ME AND I HATE IT. THE FEELINGS ARE SO SCARY. BIG AND SCARY. AND UNMANAGEABLE. SO WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. AND IT WENT WELL. I MANAGED TO SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. OUR HOUSE AND WHILE WE SHOWED HER DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF OUR LIFE NOW EILEEN ALSO TALKED TO ME, KEEPING ME ANCHORED TO THE PRESENT. SHE HAD ME FLASH BACK A FEW TIMES TO 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE’S MEMORIES. BUT SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK, I TRIED TO FLASH BACK ON MY OWN BUT I GOT STUCK, I COULDNT COME BACK OUT OF THE MEMORIES ON MY OWN, I NEEDED EILEENS HELP TO DO IT. BUT YEAH. IT WAS A VERY INTENSE SESSION. WHEN WE GOT DONE WITH THE EMDR I TALKED TO EILEEN FOR A WHILE ABOUT MY OWN INTERESTS. ABOUT HOW I LIKE TO TRAVEL. ABOUT HOW WHEN I WENT TO AMERICA TO MEET OUR NOW PARTNER WELL CAROL ANNES PARTNER WE HAD SO MUCH FUN BECAUSE SHE’S MULTIPLE TOO AND IT WAS NICE TO JUST HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER MULTIPLE WHO REALLY TRULY GETS IT AND GETS US. THAT WAS SO COOL. WE WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKING FOR HOURS. I HAVE FRIENDS IN THEIR SYSTEM AND WE’D HANG OUT AND DRINK HARD LEMONADE AND PLAY MUSIC AND WATCH SOUTH PARK. IT WAS COOL. EILEEN HAD ME WORK WITH THE PULSERS TOO FOR A WHILE BRINGING UP THE GOOD MEMORIES OF TRAVELING TO AMERICA AND WORKING WITH THOSE. SO YEAH IT WAS A VERY GOOD SESSION. AND BY THE END THE 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE WAS CALMER. WHICH WAS NICE. WE LEFT FEELING A LOT CALMER. WELL SO THATS GOOD, RIGHT?
when. will. this. day. be. done?
I’m so over it.
my head hurts. I am drained. therapy drained us.
I want to nap. But I doubt i can. My mind is racing, and I am agitated.
I just feel like I cant handle much more today.
its me, allie. i was thinking about you tonight.
i was thinking about everything that you do for me, and i wanted to write to you to wish you happy mothers day.
i wanted to say how much i love you. and to thank you too.
thank you for all the hugs. they are awesome.
thank you for caring about me and helping me process all the memories and bad thoughts that i get in my head sometimes.
i love you for doing it with me, helping me when i have nobody to go to for help. i love your office because it is my safe space. it represents safety to me just like you do.
thank you for letting me get angry and never leaving, for letting me rage and be mad and always being there to pick up the pieces and catching me when i fall.
thankyou for helping me to stop believing the lies my abusers told me.
thank you for everything. i love you and i hope you are not too sad today. i know this is probably a hard day for you but i hope this note makes you feel a tiny bit better.
I SAT OPPOSITE EILEEN, STARING AT THE FLOOR. NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY NEXT. WE’D JUST TALKED ABOUT MY SEVERE DEPRESSION, THAT WAS HARD.
PIXIE, CAN YOU LOOK AT ME?
I CANT, EILEEN, I, I, I CANT…
OK THEN, BUT CAN YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY NEXT?
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO A GOOD LIFE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE FUN
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS
YOU HAVE RIGHTS, PIXIE
YOU ARE A PERSON IN YOUR OWN RIGHT, WITH RIGHTS.
ME, SAYING NOTHING, STILL LOOKING AT THE FLOOR…
DO YOU HEAR ME PIXIE? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
YES, I SAY QUIETLY.
EILEEN PLACES A HAND GENTLY ON MY KNEE…HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HEAR ME SAY THAT TO YOU?
I CANT ANSWER. I’M CRYING NOW. TEARS FALL AS I SOB.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I DIDNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST…
i love you
but why dont you love me?
why dont you see me?
when i cry
you never comfort me?
when i have a hard day
and I need you
Your not here for me?
when i’m sad, or mad
you dont hold me?
do you hate me?
am I an inconvenience?
do you wish I wasnt part of shirley?
I didnt mean to make you mad
please dont be mad at me
I didnt mean to make you angry at me
just love me?
SO I’M FEELING SOMEWHAT BETTER. I SAY SOMEWHAT BECAUSE THE INTENSE EMOTIONS ARE STILL THERE. I SLEPT, WHICH IS POSITIVE. I WENT TO BED AROUND 11. AND I SLEPT UNTIL 5 AM. WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. I AM HAPPY ABOUT THAT. BUT WHENI WOKE THE FEELINGS OF DOOM RETURNED. THE FEELINGS OF I CANT DO THIS AND I AM BAD AND I AM UGLY AND I AM STUPID AND SO ON SO ON. I HATE IT. I EMAILED EILEEN. I TOLD HER I AM HAVING TROUBLE DESCRIBING MY FEELINGS. AND THAT I FEEL OVERWHELMED. IT FELT GOOD TO JUST WRITE TO HER EVEN IF SHE DOESNT RESPOND, I KNOW SHE’LL HAVE READ IT. I’M JUST SO TIRED OF FEELING SO DOWN ALL OF THE TIME. I WISH I FELT HAPPY AND CONTENT. I WISH I FELT LIKE OTHER INSIDERS IN THE SYSTEM, AND WAS ABLE TO COPE WITH LIFE. BUT I CANT. AND I’M NOT.