lean on me
I am here for you
I am a shoulder
To cry on
Release all the feelings
That are inside
I am here
And I care
I have no hidden agenda
All I want
Is for you
This was a convo between our therapist Eileen and me!
HI! ITS ME LIZ! SO TODAY IN THERAPY SOME OF THE DARKS IN MY SYSTEM TALKED. THE ADULT DARKS. THEY TALKED AND A LOT OF THINGS GOT WORKED ON. WE DISCUSSED WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO OPEN UP, DISCUSS ANYTHING, WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THERAPY. IT CAME TO LIGHT THAT THEY WERE PROGRAMMED DURING THE ABUSE NOT TO REVEAL ANYTHING, NEVER TO TELL OR DIVULGE ANY INFO. IF THEY DID THERE WOULD BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, THE PROGRAMMING INVOLVED PHYSICAL PAIN TRAINING, SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH DRILLED IN TO THEM NOT TO TALK. EILEEN WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. SHE TOTALLY GOT IT. SKYLER AND RAYNE BOTH SPOKE TO HER. BOTH OF THEM ARE ADULTS. SKYLER SAID SHE HAD NO TIME FOR THE KIDS, AND THEIR NEEDS, AND THAT IS HOW THEY GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA AND PAIN TRAINING, BECAUSE SHE WAS EXPLAINING TO EILEEN ABOUT THE KIDS IN THE DARKS BEING HOLDERS OF TRAUMA, AND SHE WAS SAYING HOW SHE FEARED IF THEY STARTED REVEALING THEIR TRAUMAS, THAT THE FEELINGS WOULD OVERWHELM THE ADULTS. EILEEN REASSURRED THEM THAT SHE WASNT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. RAYNE CAME OUT AFTER A WHILE AND SHE WAS CALMER. SHE TOLD EILEEN THAT SHE FEELS SAFE NOW, AND TRUSTS EILEEN AND IS WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND BEGIN WORKING ON MEMORIES AND ON THE TRAUMA. EILEEN ASKED THEM TO MAKE A CONTRACT WITH HER, AND IT SAYS THAT IF THEY GET OVERWHELMED, OR FEELINGS COME UP THAT ARE HARD TO HANDLE, THAT THEY’LL CONTACT EILEEN, AND NOT SELF HARM OR DO DAMAGE INTERNALLY. THEY DID AGREE TO THIS. EILEEN SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE AND THEY CAN REACH HER ANY TIME, THROUGH TEXT, EMAIL OR BY PHONE. THAT WAS SO KIND OF HER. WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT SHE’S DOING THAT FOR US. RAYNE TOLD HER THAT SHE DIDNT FEEL WE’D SELF HARM NOW, EVEN IF WE FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES. THAT WE’VE NOT DONE IT IN A LONG TIME, AND WE DIDNT THINK WE’D START THAT HABIT UP AGAIN NOW. ITS GOOD THAT SHE’S AVAILABLE TO US IF WE NEED HER, THAT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE. SHE SAID WE NEED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE NEED TO DO THIS WORK SLOWLY. THE ADULTS NEED TO ALL BE ON BORD, IN ORDER TO WORK WITH THE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO ALSO SUPPORT THE KIDS. THATS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT I THINK WE CAN MANAGE IT. I’M HOPEFUL THAT WE CAN. EILEEN SAID THE DARK KIDS CAN EMAIL HER, BUT FOR THEM NOT TO DETAIL MEMORIES IN THE EMAIL, SINCE IT MAY OVERWHELM US, SHE SAID THOUGH IF THEY FEEL SAD, MAD, ETC THAT THEY CAN WRITE TO HER AND TELL HER HOW THEY FEEL. BUT THAT WE’LL DISCUSS THE TRAUMAS DURING OUR SESSIONS. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I’M GLAD WE’LL BE DOING THAT. IT FEELS LIKE A LOT OF PROGRESS WAS MADE TODAY. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW OUR SESSION WENT. IT CERTAINLY WASNT WHAT I EXPECTED. I WAS OUT AT THE START, AND I HAD TEXTED HER BEFORE GOING IN, TO SAY I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND THAT I HOPED SHE’D BE ABLE TO HELP ME. SHE’D TEXTED ME BACK SAYING WE’D WORK IT OUT AND FOR ME NOT TO WORRY. AND TRUE TO HER WORD, SHE DID WORK IT OUT AND I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HER. HER GENTLENESS AND KINDNESS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO SAFE, SO VALIDATED, SO LOVED. WHEN WE SAID WE FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO DO THE WORK NOW, AFTER 7 YEARS OF SEEING HER AND HER NOT LEAVING OR GOING ANYWHERE, SHE SAID, THATS A VERY BIG STATEMENT, AND ITS TRUE, IT WAS. BUT WE DO, WE FEEL THAT NOW ITS TIME, ITS TIME TO RELEASE SOME OF THE TRAUMAS, AND MEMORIES AND BEGIN TO HEAL AND BEGIN TO PROCESS THEM. EILEEN IS WITH US, SHE’S GOING TO BE THERE AND SHE WONT LET US FALL, SHE’LL HOLD US AND CATCH UP AND BE THERE FOR US THROUGH IT ALL. AND I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE HER. IT FEELS LIKE WE CAN DO THIS WITH HER BY OUR SIDE. WITH HER BY MY SIDE, I CAN CONQUER ANYTHING!
We’re going back to therapy tomorrow! Yay!
I am so relieved!
I am relieved Eileen recovered quickly from her tummy bug!
Some of the insiders are not looking forward to therapy. I am, some of the kids are. Allie, Taylor, Lexi, all are.
Liz, not so much. I think because she has stuff going on for her. Stuff she needs to talk about.
We’re hoping that we wont lose our shit in the morning and end up going there in a bad state! Sometimes that happens for us!
I should probably text eileen in the morning before we leave. Let her know how we’re doing. Just so she knows what to expect.
Actually that is a good idea, I think I’ll do that.
Liz’s system, some of them are really panicking. They dont like talking about stuff. It feels like they shouldnt, they feel like its wrong to talk, even to eileen about their feelings, about whats coming up for them.
I’m sure once we get there they’ll calm down. Eileen has a great way of calming them down. She is really good at doing that.
Of course we arent able to relax tonight. Or sleep. Lucky for us we slept a little bit earlier. So we are wide awake now. Wide awake and mostly fretting and being emotional. Well Liz’s system are, and the feelings are filtering down to me.
I just am hoping that the session will be a good one tomorrow! Fingers crossed for us!
Eileen is better, yay! We texted her this morning, and she texted back and said she’s doing better, feeling better.
The kids are thrilled! They’d wanted to send her a text last night, but I said no. I thought she was probably too sick to get a text, and I was thinking she might not be in the mood for the kids so I wouldn’t allow them to text her.
So this morning they were like, lets text her! So we did!
She offered us a session tomorrow, but I couldn’t take it, as I have college at the time she offered us. I texted her and said I could do Thursday, but I don’t know if she can, but if she cant, its ok.
I’m just happy she’s feeling better again!
Its such a relief to know she’s ok!
Well we aren’t going to therapy after all! Eileen is sick, She has a tummy bug! She texted me at 8 AM to tell me. She said she was really sorry, that she knew it was disappointing for us, and that she’d contact us once she was well again to reschedule for later this week!
Now the worry begins! I hate when she’s ill! I feel stressed that she’s sick, I worry about her.
She’d tell me not to, she’d tell me she’ll be ok, and I know she wouldn’t want me worrying, but I cant help it!
I hate missing therapy, but we aren’t really going to miss it, since she’s rescheduling us for later on in the week!
I’ll wait until tonight and send her a text then to see how she is! That’s all I can do!
In a few weeks I’m heading away for a weekend break. We’re going to killarney, one of our fave spots. We’ll be going on the 25th, until the 28th of october. I cant wait!
I love weekends away! I’m going with my mom and my two aunts. We’ll probably go to some shows, there is a lot of entertainment in the hotel we’re going to, we’re going to a hotel, but there are apartments there too and we’re actually staying in one of those.
It cant come quick enough! I’m super excited about it!
Plus, its coming at a good time! Halloween is only a few days after that, and halloween is a tough time of year for us. So going away for a few days coming up to it will do us good I think!
Even dr. barry agreed when I told her we were going!
Plus we’ll have no therapy on that monday the 28th, not sure if Eileen is going to do a session that week, she may or may not, it will depend if she is available to do it.
So the fact we’re away on the Monday when we’d usually have therapy will be great! No time to get upset or worry or fret!
So yeah! Come quick October 25th!
hi. its allie. im 9 for those who dont know me. i been texting with our therapist eileen. i missed her a lot this weekend. i havent been talkin to her for a while. i thought shed forget me. i was scared she would. cuz well ya know shes been workin with other insiders a lot.
but she said she dont be forgetting me. so i am pleased. we texted for a little while. and she said we could talk tomorrow. yay. that makes me so happy. i love when i getta talk to her.
its rilly helpful. it calms me. i feel safe when i’m with her in her office.
i sended her a lotta emogies. she likes when i do that. she sended me some back too.
its ben so good ta connect with her!
allie age 9