Well todays been a lazy day. I layed in bed until 11 AM this morning. I did get up at 7:30 to see to Nitro, feed him, let him out but then I went right back to bed. I even slept which was cool. When I woke up I didnt do much, I’ve been on the computer, watching tv, listening to the radio, reading my book. My friend came over this afternoon, she wanted me to see if I could fix her phone. I wasnt able to though. She did get it sorted in the end which was good. I hate when I cant do something, and I tried for ages to see if I could get her phone to work. After she left, I cooked dinner, and then I relaxed for the rest of the afternoon. I was going to facetime Sarah but she was too tired, so we might facetime later. I’m a bit anxious right now, I think its lingering anxiety from Lisa, and Emily. I am so glad they both spoke to Eileen earlier. That was really good and it helped them a lot. The anxiety is much less now than it was earlier, but its still there. I’m probably not going to sleep very well tonight. We’ll see but right now it doesnt look likely. It was so good of Eileen to get back to us. We can always count on her. So grateful for that. Good therapists are so hard to come by these days, I’m so glad we’ve got an awesome one.
Today during our therapy session with eileen something very odd happened! We were doing some grounding work. And we were walking around the office. We stopped at the window and eileen was standing with us talking to us and all of a sudden we heard a huge crash coming from across the room. My first thought was, someones thrown something at the window! I couldnt think who would have done it though as Eileens house is way out in the country! Eileen spun around, only to see her clock on the floor smashed into pieces. It had somehow fallen off the wall and had broken! We couldnt believe it! Eileen said she’d gotten a terrible fright, which I knew, since she’d gone so quiet when it happened before she actually spun around to see what it was that had just happened! I got pretty spooked too! It was a scary thing for sure, but we were able to laugh about it once we got over the shock of it! Eileen thought that the hook she’d hung the clock up with was probably weak, and that is why it fell off the wall. Or, I said, it could be a ghost, disagreeing with us. Lol we both laughed at that. It sure made the session way more interesting though and it definitely woke us up!
Eileen texted us to say how proud of us she is! We didnt expect that!
We’d texted her today to tell her we’re done now at college, and we’ve completed the course, we didnt expect her to reply as its the weekend, but she did! She said:
and so you should be proud, well done, I am so proud of you all! Congratulations!
What a nice surprise to get! Love her for it!
I just texted my therapist, because, my psychiatrist wants to see me on the 16th, however, I was ment to see my therapist eileen on that morning!
I explained in my text and I asked her if she can fit me in on another day during that week!
“Of course!” We’ll manage it. I’ll fit you in on another day!
What an awesome therapist I have!
She’s always so accomodating! I love her for that!
i gotta tok ta eileen taday in therpy
it was so nise
i lik tu tok to her
i did emailed her afore
but now i toked to her as well
we wus tolkin bout emilys system
cuz im part of dat
and we wus tolkin bout katrina
katrinas a big in ar system
in emilys system
shes 32 and very old
eileen wants katrina to be on tha team
wif carol anne and liz
but i got skard
cuz i fot shed have to go out of ar system
and i dint want her to leave us
but eileen said no
she said shes stil gona be in emilys system
jus dat now shes going to help the others
they’ll be a team
and able ta suport us kids
but katrina dont gotta leave us
so dats gud
cuz wat wuld we do wifote her
i wuldnt lik if her gots ta leave us
eileen said shes so glad i came out
to tel her i was skard
cuz she said she forgot ta say that shes not leavin ar system
and its important to tel us that
then eileen asked if katrina wuld tok ta her
and she did
i went and i got her for eileen
and she came out and they toked
and it was cool then
cuz katrina is real nise
and i think eileen likes her
i hoping to tok to eileen agin soon
it will be nise if i can
lissy im four
dis is lexi
eileen said shed read to us
next week we’re gona bring ar new book
tha one sarah got us fir crismas
its a book bout bein brave
and i cant wait for eileen ta read it ta us
she said if we bring ar recorder
ar digital recorder
then we can record her readin it
yay dat wil be so neat
cuz i love wen eileen reads ta us
it fils so safe
it makes me hapy
so next week we’ll have a fun time
and we can sit next to eileen
and she can read tha book ta us
and then i can wrap up in her warm soft blanky
and it wil be so neat
its ash. im one of emilys insiders. one of her darks. im 18 years old.
today we talked with eileen, well i did. i talked a lot about the abusers, and the kinds of things they’d do to us. it was so hard. it felt wrong to be talking about it, but then I knew I had to, talking is the only way of healing, we have to break our silence, and let down our guard. I trust Eileen enough to be able to do that with her.
i was telling eileen how the abusers trained us not to feel pain. the cult abusers I mean. they’d torture us and hurt us so bad, until we’d create more parts to deal with the pain and then eventually we’d create insiders who just were blank, numb, didnt feel any pain at all, even when the worse pain was going on.
it was just awful. the worst thing is too that the cult created certain insiders, they created them and so now they know their names, they know how to get to us through those insiders. so when we try not to respond to them, they have a bunch of insiders that they created who will respond. my sister zara talked to eileen too today, and she told her that if she saw an email come in from one of the abusers, that she isnt sure she wouldnt answer it, she was just being honest, and eileen really appreciated her honesty.
we havent had back and forth contact with the abusers for months now. yes they’ve tried, they’ve tried to get hold of us, they’ve tried phoning, emailing etc etc. but liz or Carol anne always catch the emails and delete them before anyone who might be tempted can respond to them. which is really good. eileen thinks it is too. she said she’s proud of us and how far we’ve come in the last couple of years. there was a time when all we did was get constantly hurt by the abusers, there was some insiders here with us who’d constantly take us to them, they’d take us off to dublin and we’d end up being raped or hurt in some other sick way.
it was a tough session today. eileen said we need to just go slow with all this. she said its not really about telling the story, so much as its about how we are from having gone through what we did, how we are now because of it. that made a whole lot of sense to me.
all the talk of cult abuse and abusers started when we were having a conversation about SE, SE stands for somatic experience therapy, that is what eileen is training in, she’s training in how to be a somatic experience practicioner. we talked about trauma, the nervous system and how trauma is stored up in our bodies, and that led on to me telling eileen about the fact that we dont feel pain even when we should, I gave an example of putting our hands in a sink of scalding hot water, and not realising we’d gotten burned, because there was no cold water in the sink, only hot. We never realised until it was too late, and the pain didnt register with us at all.
so much to think about, I’ll be processing this for a while this week, I think.