we had a low key therapy session this past monday. We decided we need to wind down. We have one more session before our christmas break, that, too will be a low key session where we’ll just have a general chit chat and wind down.
Eileen keeps reassuring us that we’ll manage the break. She said its ok to put things away, its ok to just reflect on the hard work we’ve done, and enjoy our christmas, that therapy will be there in january, and for now, for now its ok to shelve things and put them away.
Have fun, relax, chill out, enjoy time with family, friends, enjoy the holidays.
I hope shes right. I hope we’ll manage the break. I can feel some inside tensing at the thought of it. We talked about it with her though so that did help some. Its just some inside only feel safe in eileens office and nowhere else. Thats the hard part.
We plan on giving her a christmas card next week to end our therapy work this year. Emily made it for her. She is looking forward to giving it to her. We also have a card that we bought from a friend, which is signed by a lot of us in the system and which we will also give to her.
Therapy this past year has been really hard but also really good. Its been intense a lot of times, but so worth it, we’re progressing, we’ve done a lot of hard and very intensive work, which wasnt always easy, but then, when is therapy ever easy?
I’m happy we have one more apt before the christmas break. I’m also happy our last one will be an apt where we can reflect, where some inside can talk and chat in general, not have to worry about disclosing, or about doing anything too intense.
Therapy tomorrow morning! Yay! So glad we get to see eileen! So looking forward to it!
For once I dont feel any anxiety at all around going in!
I’m just happy we get to go! Im kinda excited to see what the session will be! We’ve been making such good progress lately! I hope we’ll have more of it tomorrow!
Its our second last session before the christmas break. I am going to ask Eileen if for next week, our last session before the break, if we can have a kinda low key session, where we dont really do any trauma work or deep work, where we can just generally wind down!
Im sure she’ll agree to that!
For tonight though I will just look forward to my therapy time! And I will look forward to eileens support tomorrow morning!
so I decided to text Eileen and ask her if I could talk to her. I wasnt sure if she had college tonight, she is a lecturer in the psychotherapy programme at the local university, she did have college, but I texted her, I asked if she had a few mins to check in and I told her I’d gotten bad news. She rang me back within 15 minutes. She was on her way home after lecturing. So we talked as she drove home. I told her about my client who killed himself. She was so understanding. She told me that it would be understandable that I’d be in shock. I was telling her about Emilys two insiders who were suicidal, and upon hearing this news today, they became very upset and shocked. I think it was like a wake up call for them. We talked about completing suicide. Eileen said there was nothing more we as a system could have done. This client of ours unfortunately had his mind made up already. I know this is the case. I just keep thinking I should have could have done more. Logically I couldnt though. Its just a hard truth to swallow. Hard to take that he’s dead now. He’s gone. I told eileen that I am sitting here thinking about how one minute someone can be here, the next they’re gone. She talked to me about resilience. About how some people dont have as much as others. She said to me that I need to remember how resilient we are. How we’re fighters. We have come through so much. She said she knows that the client doing this has stirred up a lot for us. In a lot of different ways. I agreed. She said she hopes my supervisor is giving us support. I said she was but that I couldnt actually talk much to her about my own feelings, because my supervisor doesnt know I have mental health difficulties, and she doesnt know I’ve tried to kill myself in the past. So that is why I reached out to Eileen. I know I can be honest with her. I know she gets me and gets it. I was telling Eileen I really dont want any more bad news today. Not only did I hear this news about my client, tonight I got the bad news that my cousin whose only 50 has stage four liver cancer. And then earlier I got the news that I need to discuss nitro retiring next tuesday with the trainer who comes out to do our aftercare. I really cant handle another thing today. Eileen told me to wrap up in a soft blanket. Make some tea, get a blanket, wrap up in it. And draw a line under today. And that is what I am going to do I think. I am exhausted but unable to sleep. I will do some self care things tonight though. To care for myself. I will do some writing, drink some tea, maybe read, and wrap up warm and cosy in a blanket. I am so grateful for Eileen. She never lets me down. She always comes through for us. I feel so so lucky to have her in our lives. She said that I shouldnt worry about texting her, she was fine with it. All I could say is thank you, thank you, I love you. And I do. I love her. She has made me feel contained tonight. Contained, and safe, and I know she’s with me in spirit, I know she is here, talking to her just reaffirmed that
it is me em
im not sleeping. im feeling sad. I have a lot on my mind tonight.
my online friends are great though. some of them have been so kind, saying they missed me. that was so nice of them to say so.
I missed them too. I didn’t come out much lately. well until this morning in therapy. me and Eileen had a nice chat then.
I love our chats. they always help me feel better.
I love eileens hugs too. she gives good ones.
im doing a lot of hard work in therapy lately.
its not easy. but its so worth it. it lets me not feel so sad when I work with the pulsers and do EMDR.
my insiders are also doing a lot of work, hard hard work in therapy lately.
im proud of them all. especially the little ones.
well im going to go make a cup of tea now. cuz tea makes everything better.
em age 12
im not felin safe tonight
i fel so sad
my hart hurts
we’re all sad in here
i wish i was at eileens ofise
it helps me wen she holds me
i fel protected then
safe and warm and loved
i wish she was here now
we had a good therapy session today. the kids were happy cuz they had time with eileen. april and emily both has some time to talk. i dont remember a lot about today. except that we worked with the pulsers a little. to try to help emilys system of insiders. it seems some of her young ones are running things. and eileen said we need to try to change that. jade is now living with emily as you all know. so she is an outside adult that lives where em lives inside. in the same house. that is helping. but a lot of ems insiders are still really protective of em. they are all still afraid to really let her take over much. it was worrying today. we got to therapy and it seems an 8 year old insider named april took us there in the taxi. she’s one of ems insiders. none of us had any recollection of what we did this morning when we woke up. how we dressed, or washed or ate or what we did. we just didnt know. but somehow we got to therapy. when eileen came in april was out. eileen was very worried. as am I. this situation is not good. it happens to us every so often. so we’re going to work on that soon too I think. we got very dissociative this morning too during our session. our body felt all kinds of weird. we were really feeling dizzy and like elastic that is stretched, and about to snap. eileen came over and held us. she also placed her hand on our back for some extra support. of course she asked before she did it, she’d never just do it without asking first. it felt calming to have her place a hand on our back and rest it there. like she was sootheing us. it felt so good. it immediately calmed us down. overall it was a good session. we left feeling less dissociative. less edgy. liz came out at the end as I was busy with kids. but she came out and talked with eileen for a few minutes before we ended the session. well actually eileen asked for her. so i think she felt a little special that eileen had asked her to come out. it was good though the session was. two more before our christmas break. im nervous about the break. eileen kept telling liz to remember how much we have going on right now. like for example our social life, college, etc. that we’d manage. she said she’ll put extra support in place for us over christmas. that maybe she could go some phone check ins and we can also email her. she’ll be on vacation for two weeks over christmas. but really it’ll be 3 weeks. its just how the weeks fall. im sure it’ll be ok though. at least i hope it will be.
So when I opened my email today I got a nice surprise!
Eileen had responded to my email where I told her I got a place on the mental health in the community college course!
I was so thrilled to get a response as I didnt think she would!
She said she was delighted to hear that we’d gotten a place, and that it was really exciting news.
She also said it was great to see Emily enjoying doing 12 year old stuff and just being a kid!
I love her for responding! She always knows when to respond! I had almost forgot I’d sent her the email about it! I sent it after I got the good news on Thursday evening, then I didnt think any more about it until just now.
My therapist truly is awesome!