I want to thank you all. For your comments, likes, and support. I dont know where I’d be without you all! This blog is a dumping ground for me, as well as being a place where I post things like quotes, recipes etc, its also a place where I post my darkest thoughts, my inner most feelings, my therapy journey, my daily life updates. Its a venting ground for me, and all of you my dear readers have been so so supportive of me. I can never thank you enough. I hope you gain as much from reading my blog as I do from writing. I am honoured to call you my friends. Your all fab! Thanks again for everything, from the bottom of my heart.
me gots to tok to eileen in therapy yeserday
it was nice
i like it wen i get to com e out to talk
it is hard somtims but not all the time
yeserday i camed out cuz i got skard
i was feling unsafe
we was workin wif ar body
that maked me feel unsafe
so i came out then
eileen came and sat next to me
and then her ask if she can hold me
i said ok cuz i like it when she holds me
so she came and sat and put her hands around my back and shoulders
it felt so nice
she makes me fel safe
she held me tight like that for a long time
we toked and she held me
it felt so so good
we talked about memories
and we talked about tv shows
i tol her i dont lik it when the grown ups wach law and order SVU
it makes me remeber bad things
she said shed tok to them bout it
and she promised me i dont gots to wach it if i dont wanna
that i can go away inside when the grown ups do that
so i will
i dont like that show
it has scary thing on it
bad things hapen to peple on it
i think eileen did talk to carol anne later on about it
eileen says i get trigered by that show
i gess so i dont know
but that mosly wat we tok bout
that and memories of dublin
and eileen ask me what i notice bout her office
what do i notise wen i come in there
it was good therapy time
i liked having time to tok to her
TODAY IN THERAPY I GOT TO CHAT TO EILEEN AND WE TALKED ABOUT BEING PRESENT IN YOUR BODY. THATS SUPER HARD FOR US. WE DONT DO WELL WITH THAT AT ALL. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM, SO I COULD GROUND MYSELF AND ORIENTATE MYSELF TO HER OFFICE. USUALLY SHE GUIDES ME BUT TODAY SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND ON MY OWN. SHE TOLD ME TO TOUCH EVERYTHING, SO I DID. THAT WAS GOOD. COMFORTING. AND IT DID HELP TO ORIENTATE ME. I FELT SAFE. COMFORTED BY ALL OF THE THINGS IN HER OFFICE. WHEN I SAT BACK DOWN WE TALKED ABOUT MY BODY AND BECOMING AWARE OF IT. EVEN THOUGH WE’RE AN ADULT NOW, WE’RE NOT CONSCIOUSLY BODY AWARE. EILEEN SAID WE’RE AFRAID TO INHABIT OUR BODY. I THINK I AGREE. WE ARE SO AFRAID OF OUR BODY. SO I STOOD UP AGAIN AND WE DID A FEW EXERCISES WHERE SHE HAD ME NOTICE THE DIFFERENT MUSCLE ROUPS THAT ARE HOLDING UP MY LEGS, ARMS ETC. THAT WAS WEIRD. I MEAN I WAS ABLE TO DO IT, BUT IT JUST FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. IT WAS INTERESTING TO ME TO DO THIS. WE TALKED ABOUT MINDFULNESS AND SHE GAVE ME SOME HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEK. SHE TOLD ME TO TRY TO COME MORE INTO THE PRESENT, AND IF I FEEL MYSELF DISSOCIATING TO DO SOMETHING TO BRING MYSELF BACK TO THE PRESENT. EASIER SAID THAN DONE BUT I SAID I’D TRY IT. SO I WILL. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. THAT WASNT THE WHOLE SESSION BUT IF OTHERS WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PART I’LL LET THEM WRITE ABOUT IT SEPARATELY. I KINDA GOT PUSHED OUT OF THE WAY DURING THE SESSION BY TAYLOR THE LITTLE QUIRT. SHE JUST POPPED OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN AFTER WE DID THE BODYWORK. I THINK SHE FELT A LITTLE SPOOKED BY IT. I DIDNT MIND REALLY. SHE NEEDED EILEENS COMFORT JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.
Its 5 AM. I slept for a few hours, maybe 4. I woke up with a jolt. I still feel crappy. I am so glad I have therapy this morning. I really need it. I will be so happy to see my therapist, connect with her, she makes me feel so safe, she brings me such comfort. I am looking forward to our session.
I hope the day goes well. Right now my mood is still very low. I still feel depressed and very sad. I also feel quite emotional. I hope I can release some of it in therapy. I hope I dont get there and lose my shit, lose my words. That happens to me sometimes.
I guess we’ll see what happens. Send me good vibes if you can. I can use them.
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its allie. last night we texted with Eileen for a few minutes. we had to ask her about our session on Thursday cuz we forgot the time of it. so carol anne sent her a text. I was so happy to be able to text her. I love when we get to do that. she wrote back to us right away. we even sent kissing imogies. she knows that the kids like to send her imogies. we always do that. she’s ok with it! she told us in her message our session is at 11:30 on Thursday morning. I cant wait to go! we’ll probly do more work on my memories. that’s hard but I know its good too cuz it helps me! im just so happy we got to send her a text! we usually email her. we don’t text her all that much. it was nice to just be able to do it and get a response really quick! we keep all of her texts to us so that we can read them again and again. is that weird? we’ve always done that. we have most of the ones she’s ever sent us. it helps us to feel connected to her.
im so sad. i havent be ok since therapy last week. its been hard. i been crying a lot. i hate memories. they really really suck. i wish i didnt have to remember. i just hate that the memories come. they make me feel so bad.
i emailed eileen a few times. shes so nice to me. she even texted us last week and we had a phone check in. that felt good. i felt safe hearing her voice. it felt ok when she chatted to us. i only feel safe around her. and dr. barry. i dont really feel safe mostly at other times.
tonight im upset. im just sad. i been crying a lot. cant stop crying. my heart hurts. so does my insides. my tummy too. it is awful.
it is only just gone 5 AM now. i been up for hours. i cant sleep. im afraid to go to sleep.
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Our phone therapy session last night was good. It was so nice to connect with Eileen.
We talked about putting Allie’s memories in a container. She went through the exercise with us on the phone. Allie didnt talk to her, but she was close by and she was able to hear what Eileen was doing and saying which was good. She felt comforted. She immediately calmed down on hearing Eileens voice. Its like it immediately soothed her.
We talked for about 15 minutes. It felt so good. Eileen encouraged us to do some self care last night, wind down early and have an early night. Which is exactly what we did.
It was a good session. And we did manage to shelve the memories and last night they didnt plague us which was nice.
We decided to shelve them, and leave them in Eileens office. We put them in a huge container and eileen said we can leave them in her office, which feels safer to us.
This morning I feel good. I woke up feeling awesome. I woke at 5 AM feeling so refreshed, we’re doing well and it feels amazing.
I need to send Eileen an email with an update. I will do that after I finish this post.