she makes me happy

it is allie. eileen makes me so happy. i love her gentle voice. i love her calming presence. i love her for a lot of reasons. today we forgot to bring our new book. lexi emailed her earlier to tell her. i know liz needed to talk today so we wouldnt have gotten a chance to read the book even if we’d brought it. its ok. we can read it maybe next week. i think it will be a good book, its called wherever you are, my love will find you. that is what i think about eileen. even when we’re apart, i know she loves me. i know she’s thinking of me. i know because shes told me before. she says she thinks about us during the week. she has told me that when certain things happen in her life, she thinks about us. thats so special. it makes me feel so good. i love her so much. i dont care if its wrong to love a therapist, i just do and i dont care if i shouldnt. she is like a mom to me and that is why i call her my heart mom. she is my safety. she teaches me things. she has taught me lots. she never lets me down. she always tells the truth. i love her for that. i dont like being lied to and she never ever lies to me. right now i feel so lucky that she came into our lives. i feel like hugging carol anne and saying thanks carol anne for searching for as long as you did and finding us such a great therapist. it is the best thing that could have happened to us.
allie, age 9

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HARD SESSION TODAY

TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
LIZ

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i am a hot mess

I AM A HOT MESS. I DONT WANT TO TALK IN THERAPY TODAY. BUT KNOW I HAVE TO. I HAVE TO IF I WANT TO FEEL BETTER. I AM SCARED THOUGH. I FEEL TRIGGERED, HUGELY TRIGGERED, I NEED A HUG FROM EILEEN BUT AM TOO SCARED TO ASK HER FOR ONE. I FEEL ALONE AND MTHOUGHTS ARE WHIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD. I HATE THIS FEELING.
LIZ

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excited!

the book came. it came it came it came!
im sooo hapy!
it is great.ar mom looked at it. she said the pictures in it were cool.
i cant wait to bring it in to eileen on monday.
im going to make a recordin of her readin it to us.
that will be neat. it will be the third book shes read to us and that we’ve recorded her reading it.
im hapy hapy this morning. its a sunny day and the book came and it make me real happy.
taylor

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Saffire talks in therapy

hi. my name is saffire. im 18.
i talked in therapy today. while willow stockpiled the meds, she didnt work alone. there was a group of us, in the background, who also didnt want to live.
eileen asked one of us to come out to talk to her, so they asked me to do it. therapy is nerve wracking!
i had never spoken to eileen before. today was my first time. actually i rarely come out, the last time i was out was in 2007 when we were in the hospital, in a psych ward, and i didnt want to be out then.
the one other time after that i came out in therapy, when we had a different therapist, the therapist bombarded me with questions and she wouldnt agree with any of my answers.
eileen promised that she would respect me. she promised not to quiz me. she promised to just listen and try to understand where i was coming from.
and to her credit she did just that.
the convo was so hard though. i had a lot to talk about. and a lot to figure out about life now. and about whether i wanted to be here. i do, but at first i said i didnt.
because most times when i have been out i experience deep depression, i can never experience fun, i know we do have fun, i just am not able to experience it. i hate hat. i want to have some fun!
eileen asked liz to help me out, she asked her to let me partner up with her and experience some of the times she is out, doing stuff, and having a good time.
liz said ok to that. so at least now i will get to experience the fun times!
it wont just be misery, sadness and pain.
saffire

I CARE IF YOU KILL YOURSELF

WENT TO THERAPY THIS MORNING. TALKED FOR A LONG TIME WITH EILEEN ABOUT WHAT I DID LAST WEEK STOCKPILING THE MEDS. SHE WAS SHOCKED. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW THE FRONT SYSTEM MEMBERS WHO FRONT REGULARLY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ALL FINE, BUT THE ONES WHO ARE FURTHER BACK, LIKE ME ARENT. SHE ASKED ME TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO HER SO I DID. AND SHE GOT IT.
ONE THING SHE SAID TO ME THOUGH WAS
“I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT YOU”
“I CARE WHETHER YOU ARE ALIVE OR NOT”
“I’D BE SO SAD IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO YOU”
I REALLY DIDNT THINK ANYONE CARED. I FELT SO ALONE WITH MY FEELINGS. I REALLY thought I WAS alone with them.
IT FEELS SO GOOD TO KNOW SHE’S BEHIND US. SHE CARES. SHE WANTS US TO LIVE. IT MAKES ME WANT TO LIVE TOO.
SHE SAID WE’LL KEEP WORKING ON MANAGING FEELINGS. TALKING ABOUT THEM AND MANAGING THEM IN SMALL CHUNKS.
I TOLD HER WE’RE OFF OF OUR MEDS, BUT WE’LL BE TALKING WITH DR. BARRY ABOUT RESTARTING THEM ON WED. SHE WAS OK WITH THAT. SHE SAID WE NEED TO DISCUSS WAYS OF THIS SITUATION NOT REOCCURING. LIKE TRYING TO COME UP WITH SOME SOLUTIONS FOR TAKING MEDS SAFELY.
IT WAS A TOUGH SESSION. ONE I WASNT LOOKING FORWARD TO. BUT I AM GLAD I TALKED TO HER. JUST KNOWING SHES THERE FOR US REALLY HELPS AND MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
WILLOW

she read to us

taday eileen read to us
we recorded her reading
she read a book about feelings
caled today i feel silly and othir moods that make my day
it was so good
it be one my favorit buks
i love to hear her read
cuz she does voises wen shes readin to us
and she is all lik yu kno her voise goes up and down
carol anne says its caled animated
haha
i like it
it funy and it gud to hav a recording of it
we can lisen bak wen we ar scard of the dark
or misin her
that wil be gud i think
we ar gona buy more buks for her to read
so we can hav a colection of dem
we hav this one and anothir one so far
tha othir one is caled in my heart
its goodtoo
im a hapy camper tonite
cuz she read to me
yay 😀
darina ballerina , six