doing EMDR really spooked me

this is misty. i am 15. i have had a scary morning, i came out during therapy, because liz was doing EMDR with eileen, and i was nearby, and the pulsers spooked me, i felt scared of them, the feel of them buzzing in my hand made me freak out.
eileen talked to me and we talked a lot about feelings, i told her it felt as if something was going to spill out all over the place and leak out everywhere causing a huge mess.
she asked me to describe my feelings to her, i had a hard time doing that. im not good at describing things. i dont come out a lot, time and places dont really mean a lot to me, i know we have a house and live on our own, but i rarely am out, so eileen suggested that liz sticks by me, and when liz is out i can experience some of what that is like through her.
that felt safer to me, i feel safe with liz. i admire liz, look up to her, i do have a friend inside, her name is clara.
i dont think i want to open too much stuff up just yet, its too scary, im afraid, afraid of what will happen when i do.
eileen said its like a balloon, we can untie the knot in it, let a little of the air out and then tie it back up again, she said we dont have to let all of the air out at once. she said she wouldnt let us do that, she doesnt want to destabilise us, thats not her intent.
im glad. maybe i will use the pulsers at some point in the future, when they dont feel so scary to me.

I’m gonna tell her!

its me allie. and guess what? im going to tell eileen today about our good news! about our trip to see sarah next year! she doesnt know yet that we’re going!

i bet shell be super excited for us! i know she will!

im so looking forward to telling her the news! i already emailed her and told her i had some exciting news to tell!

i hope we can talk about it a little bit! i like talking about nice things. it dont always have to be sad or scary stuff that we talk about.

so i cant wait to tell her! shes going to probly say how cool it is! she always thinks what we do is cool!

allie 9

Back to therapy tomorrow!

We’re going back to therapy tomorrow! Yay!
I am so relieved!
I am relieved Eileen recovered quickly from her tummy bug!
Some of the insiders are not looking forward to therapy. I am, some of the kids are. Allie, Taylor, Lexi, all are.
Liz, not so much. I think because she has stuff going on for her. Stuff she needs to talk about.
We’re hoping that we wont lose our shit in the morning and end up going there in a bad state! Sometimes that happens for us!
I should probably text eileen in the morning before we leave. Let her know how we’re doing. Just so she knows what to expect.
Actually that is a good idea, I think I’ll do that.
Liz’s system, some of them are really panicking. They dont like talking about stuff. It feels like they shouldnt, they feel like its wrong to talk, even to eileen about their feelings, about whats coming up for them.
I’m sure once we get there they’ll calm down. Eileen has a great way of calming them down. She is really good at doing that.
Of course we arent able to relax tonight. Or sleep. Lucky for us we slept a little bit earlier. So we are wide awake now. Wide awake and mostly fretting and being emotional. Well Liz’s system are, and the feelings are filtering down to me.
I just am hoping that the session will be a good one tomorrow! Fingers crossed for us!

LIZ: I DISSOCIATED A LOT IN THERAPY TODAY

ITS LIZ. THERAPY TODAY WAS TOUGH. I DISSOCIATED A LOT DURING THE SESSION. I JUST COULDNT FOCUS. I COULDNT STAY GROUNDED OR IN THE PRESENT, EILEEN HAD HER WORK CUT OUT.
AS ALWAYS THOUGH SHE WAS AWESOME! SHE REALLY HELPED ME AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS REALLY DISSOCIATIVE SHE WAS EVENTUALLY ABLE TO GET ME BACK ENOUGH SO THAT WE COULD DO SOME WORK.
IT STARTED WHEN HILARY WAS OUT. EILEEN ASKED ME TO BE NEAR HER. TO STAND BY HER AND EXPLAIN TO HER WHERE WE LIVED NOW, BECAUSE SHE DOESNT KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT NOW, OR OUR LIFE NOW.
I TRIED TO DO IT, BUT I STARTED TO FEEL SPACY, AND LIKE I WAS BEING PULLED SOMEWHERE. I COULDNT STOP IT FROM HAPPENING. I FELT DIZZY, REALLY SPACY, AND VERY OFF. EILEEN WAS CALLING MY NAME BUT I COULDNT RESPOND TO HER. I JUST FELT MYSELF GOING AWAY.
I DONT REALLY KNOW WHERE I WENT OR FOR HOW LONG. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WASNT THERE. WHO WAS OUT, I DIDNT ASK. ALL I REMEMBER IS EILEEN SITTING BESIDE ME WHEN I CAME BACK, SHE MOVED AWAY A LITTLE, BUT I ASKED HER TO COME BACK CLOSER TO US. I ASKED HER WHY SHE MOVED AWAY AND SHE SAID SHE WAS JUST BEING RESPECTFUL OF MY BOUNDARIES AND OF NOT CROWDING ME BUT THAT IF I WANTED HER TO BE CLOSE TO ME SHE WOULD.
I DID. IT FELT SAFER WHEN SHE SAT CLOSE TO ME. I FELT MORE GROUNDED. AND I FELT LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY STAY IN THE ROOM. I WAS ABLE TO HOLD HER HAND AND THEN I WAS ABLE TO FOCUS ON HER AND ON WHAT SHE WAS SAYING TO ME.
IT WAS A HARD SESSION. THE THING IS WE DIDNT DISCUSS A LOT. WE COULDNT BECAUSE OF MY DISSOCIATION. I KNOW HILARY HAD A LITTLE BIT OF TIME AT THE START, AND SOMEONE WAS OUT WHEN I WASNT. BUT I COULDNT REALLY TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT WE ACTUALLY DISCUSSED. IT KINDA FELT LIKE WE DIDNT DO ANY WORK AT ALL TODAY. BUT I KNOW THATS NOTT TRUE.
I KNOW WE DISCUSSED AGE AND AGES AND STAGES A LITTLE BIT. AND EILEEN SAID TO ME THAT EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE I AM IN MY MID 20’S MOSTLY, THAT THE JOB I DO AT FRIENDLY CALL, AND OTHER STUFF THAT I DO ON A DAILY BASIS REQUIRES SOMEONE WHOSE MUCH MORE MATURE. SO BASICALLY SHE SAID I AM VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE. BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME THAT. I HAD TO BE. I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. IT JUST HAPPENED THAT WAY DUE TO WHAT I’VE GONE THROUGH.
THATS REALLY ALL I REMEMBER DISCUSSING. OH AND WE DISCUSSED STABILITY A LITTLE TOO. HOW WE’VE BEEN STABLE NOW FOR A WHILE. AND HOW I COULD NEVER IMAGINE THAT HAPPENING FOR US. AND NOW THAT IT HAS IT FEELS PRETTY HUGE TO ME, TO ALL OF US. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE WERE CONSTANTLY IN CRISIS. EVERY DAY WAS A STRUGGLE. NOW NOT SO MUCH. YES WE’RE STILL STRUGGLING A LOT. BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE A LIFE. WE’RE LIVING, WE’RE THRIVING. THAT FEELS SO GOOD.
OVERALL IT WAS A HARD SESSION. BUT ALSO A GOOD ONE. BY THE END OF IT I WAS NO LONGER DISSOCIATING. EILEEN HAD GOTTEN ME TO BE FULLY HERE AGAIN. FULLY IN THE THERAPY ROOM. I WAS ABLE TO LEAVE AND WHEN WE DID I WAS ABLE TO FEEL LIKE I WAS FULLY THERE AGAIN. I FELT GOOD. I FELT AS IF A WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED FROM ME. I GOT US HOME IN ONE PIECE. AND WE’VE HAD A GREAT AFTERNOON. NO NAP, BUT THATS OK. WE’RE A LITTLE WIRED NOW THOUGH. WOUND UP. AND A LITTLE ANXIOUS. I TEXTED EILEEN TO LET HER KNOW. SHE HASNT RESPONDED YET. BUT NO DOUBT SHE WILL AT SOME POINT.

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A surprise phone call

A weird thing happened today. I was napping and my phone rang. It was my landline, that is unusual, most people phone my mobile.

I answered it, and a lady from the organisation that funds my therapy was on the line. She told me she was phoning me to check in.

Eileen had to tell them that we hadn’t been doing any therapy for a few weeks because of her being stuck in spain. So they were ringing me to make sure I was ok, and that I wasn’t struggling.

I got a big surprise as I wasn’t expecting that. She told me that they have a helpline I can ring if I am struggling and need extra support. I knew about their helpline but I never thought to call it.

Its good to know I have that option. I am glad to know its there.

We talked for about 15 minutes. Just about everyday things, like the weather, tv, dogs, not serious things. I felt much better after our chat. The ladys name was margo. She was extremely nice.

She said she’d phone again next week, and she’d continue to phone until I started back to therapy with Eileen.

The iminent therapy break

well, we have a two week therapy break, eileen goes on holiday at the end of this week. for two weeks. so we dont see her again until the 29th. we’re finding it tough if I am honest. Breaks are always tough for all of us. We’re very attached to eileen, and being separated from her for any length of time is hard on us. During our session on Monday she helped the kids to make a calendar so that they can count down the days until she returns. they loved doing that. they think she’s so cool because she has all these cool stickers, glitter pens, and stuff. they kept saying to her that we should do more art. she agreed we should. i think she was just as excited as they were. taylor and lexi had a lot of fun helping to stick on the butterflies and flowers onto the calendar. most of our session was taken up with making that and just general chit chat, light chat with a little about feelings and stuff thrown in for good measure. taylor told her she had felt sad over the weekend, and eileen told her to think of what she’d say, eileen would say, when she feels sad. so then they got on to talking about the types of things that she thinks eileen would tell her. it was so sweet. the break will be ok, i keep telling myself that. i keep trying to reassure myself that we’ll manage it, its only two weeks, after all. we can do it. we can cope. in no time at all we’ll see her again. i’m sure there will be some rough days, but eileen told us to try to make as many plans ahead of time as possible. so we’re tryihg to do that. and she told me to ask dr. barry if she could see me next week, while she’s away. normally I see dr. barry every two weeks. but eileen asked me to ask her if there is a chance she can let me come in next week as well as the following week just as a one off. I’m sure she’ll agree to this. She knows how much we depend on herself and on eileen. When either of them is away, the other one usually falls in and gives us more support. So I am pretty sure she’ll ok that. I got some recordings of Eileen talking, and I also have some soothing sounds of the sea she sent us, and some guided imagery exercises that she made for us too. So thats all good. I’m sure it will all be ok, we’ll hope so anyway. Therapy breaks do suck though. Eileen did tell us she’s going to spain on her holidays, she knows we like to know where she’s at. We told her we’d google the area, to find out some info about it, she was fine with that, she even told us what airport she is flying into. So its good I am glad we have that info. Makes her seem less far away from us.

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Depressed, and feeling really off

I’ve been super depressed all day yesterday and today. I had such a fantastic day out with mom on saturday, so I am not sure what happened, except I think I was already depressed from last week and it just reared its ugly head again yesterday.
I spent all day yesterday in bed. I couldnt get up. I couldnt face anyone. Or do anything. It was awful. I did get up to eat, I got up and ate breakfast, went online for about an hour, but then just layed back down and slept. It was like I just had no energy to do anything.
I eventually got up at 6:30. Spent a few hours online and watching tv and reading.
I still feel crappy this morning. We have therapy in an hour. Thank god for Eileen. We badly need therapy today. We need to talk. We need to try to figure this out.
I hope we can. I hope when we get there we dont dissociate. We did dissociate pretty badly during our session last week, and I hope there wont be a repeat of it this week.
I’m hoping Eileen has some advice for us. We could use it right now. I really feel so bla and I want this depression to go away. And quickly.

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