The iminent therapy break

well, we have a two week therapy break, eileen goes on holiday at the end of this week. for two weeks. so we dont see her again until the 29th. we’re finding it tough if I am honest. Breaks are always tough for all of us. We’re very attached to eileen, and being separated from her for any length of time is hard on us. During our session on Monday she helped the kids to make a calendar so that they can count down the days until she returns. they loved doing that. they think she’s so cool because she has all these cool stickers, glitter pens, and stuff. they kept saying to her that we should do more art. she agreed we should. i think she was just as excited as they were. taylor and lexi had a lot of fun helping to stick on the butterflies and flowers onto the calendar. most of our session was taken up with making that and just general chit chat, light chat with a little about feelings and stuff thrown in for good measure. taylor told her she had felt sad over the weekend, and eileen told her to think of what she’d say, eileen would say, when she feels sad. so then they got on to talking about the types of things that she thinks eileen would tell her. it was so sweet. the break will be ok, i keep telling myself that. i keep trying to reassure myself that we’ll manage it, its only two weeks, after all. we can do it. we can cope. in no time at all we’ll see her again. i’m sure there will be some rough days, but eileen told us to try to make as many plans ahead of time as possible. so we’re tryihg to do that. and she told me to ask dr. barry if she could see me next week, while she’s away. normally I see dr. barry every two weeks. but eileen asked me to ask her if there is a chance she can let me come in next week as well as the following week just as a one off. I’m sure she’ll agree to this. She knows how much we depend on herself and on eileen. When either of them is away, the other one usually falls in and gives us more support. So I am pretty sure she’ll ok that. I got some recordings of Eileen talking, and I also have some soothing sounds of the sea she sent us, and some guided imagery exercises that she made for us too. So thats all good. I’m sure it will all be ok, we’ll hope so anyway. Therapy breaks do suck though. Eileen did tell us she’s going to spain on her holidays, she knows we like to know where she’s at. We told her we’d google the area, to find out some info about it, she was fine with that, she even told us what airport she is flying into. So its good I am glad we have that info. Makes her seem less far away from us.

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Depressed, and feeling really off

I’ve been super depressed all day yesterday and today. I had such a fantastic day out with mom on saturday, so I am not sure what happened, except I think I was already depressed from last week and it just reared its ugly head again yesterday.
I spent all day yesterday in bed. I couldnt get up. I couldnt face anyone. Or do anything. It was awful. I did get up to eat, I got up and ate breakfast, went online for about an hour, but then just layed back down and slept. It was like I just had no energy to do anything.
I eventually got up at 6:30. Spent a few hours online and watching tv and reading.
I still feel crappy this morning. We have therapy in an hour. Thank god for Eileen. We badly need therapy today. We need to talk. We need to try to figure this out.
I hope we can. I hope when we get there we dont dissociate. We did dissociate pretty badly during our session last week, and I hope there wont be a repeat of it this week.
I’m hoping Eileen has some advice for us. We could use it right now. I really feel so bla and I want this depression to go away. And quickly.

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She has a secret!

And I dont like it! I dont like secrets!

She wouldnt tell us where she’s going next week for her conference on EMDR! She said we dont need to worry about where it is going to be on at!

But we do worry! We wanna know she’s ok and safe!

We arent trying to be nosey in asking!

I dont like having secrets! They are triggering to me!

So I emailed her. Here is what I said.

eileen,
how come you didnt want to tell us where you’ll be next week, where the conference is at?
are you worried we’ll do something bad with the information?
we just wanted to know you are going to be ok!
we worry about you when your not nearby. we werent trying to be nosey when we asked.
we dont like secrets. its triggering to us.
chance and some of the teens

I hope she’ll get back to me! Even if she still wont tell me, I want her to know that acting like its some huge secret is a huge trigger for us.

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Texting eileen!

its allie. last night we texted with Eileen for a few minutes. we had to ask her about our session on Thursday cuz we forgot the time of it. so carol anne sent her a text. I was so happy to be able to text her. I love when we get to do that. she wrote back to us right away. we even sent kissing imogies. she knows that the kids like to send her imogies. we always do that. she’s ok with it! she told us in her message our session is at 11:30 on Thursday morning. I cant wait to go! we’ll probly do more work on my memories. that’s hard but I know its good too cuz it helps me! im just so happy we got to send her a text! we usually email her. we don’t text her all that much. it was nice to just be able to do it and get a response really quick! we keep all of her texts to us so that we can read them again and again. is that weird? we’ve always done that. we have most of the ones she’s ever sent us. it helps us to feel connected to her.

allie 9

Last nights phone therapy check in

Our phone therapy session last night was good. It was so nice to connect with Eileen.
We talked about putting Allie’s memories in a container. She went through the exercise with us on the phone. Allie didnt talk to her, but she was close by and she was able to hear what Eileen was doing and saying which was good. She felt comforted. She immediately calmed down on hearing Eileens voice. Its like it immediately soothed her.
We talked for about 15 minutes. It felt so good. Eileen encouraged us to do some self care last night, wind down early and have an early night. Which is exactly what we did.
It was a good session. And we did manage to shelve the memories and last night they didnt plague us which was nice.
We decided to shelve them, and leave them in Eileens office. We put them in a huge container and eileen said we can leave them in her office, which feels safer to us.
This morning I feel good. I woke up feeling awesome. I woke at 5 AM feeling so refreshed, we’re doing well and it feels amazing.
I need to send Eileen an email with an update. I will do that after I finish this post.

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Phone therapy session

Eileen just texted us. She said she got Allie’s email. Allie had emailed her in distress last night. Liz also emailed her. She said she was feeling low. Eileen said in her text that she could hear our distress and she’d like to talk to us today. So we set up a time to have a phone check in. I am so glad. Thank god for her. She’s an angel. So grateful to her for always making time for us. She always always makes time for us no matter what is going on. I love her for it. It will be so good to talk to her. We need to connect…hear her voice. Her calm, sootheing voice. We just need her right now. I’m so happy to have gotten her text. It was a surprise. We werent expecting a response from her. We just emailed to let her know we’re struggling, thats all. But the fact she responded to us, its just a bonus and we’re so so grateful to her for responding. I’ll post more later. The phone check in is at six PM.

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Therapy, Working with memories, its so powerful

Therapy yesterday was hard. Hard, but good.

We worked with Allie. She had to work on some memories. It was really tough. Just hearing her memories was super hard on all of us. Hearing some things she went through when we were a kid. It was painful.

Eileen was unbelievable. She was with us through it all. There for us at every step. I love her. She made us feel so safe.

Part way through the session during the EMDR and when the memories were especially hard to deal with, our body became super cold. It was like we were reacting to processing them. We were freezing. Eileen went and got a fleece blanket and wrapped it around us to warm us up. It was so nice. It felt so good.

At another point she just held us. She put her arms around our back and shoulders, and held us and talked sootheingly to us. It felt so reassuring. It made us feel so safe.

The holding really helps us. Its part of what she’s doing in her somatic bodywork course. She’s training in bodywork and to be a bodywork practitioner. So this is ths sort of thing they are larning. How to support your client while they process memories.

It was a great session. And we did a lot of hard work. We still need to process more, but we made a start. And the memories we processed, well they’re allie’s, but they are around going to bed, and bedtime. So that will hopefully help us to not feel so triggered at night.

I know with Eileen by our side, we can do anything. She was so kind yesterday. Just her voice, the calm way she speaks to the kids, to all of us, is so, so sootheing to us. It really helps. We felt validated, heard, listened to, and that was just so amazing to me.

I definitely think touch in therapy is so important. I dont know if its for everyone, but for me, due to us being blind, it is so helpful. Eileen thinks so too. She said she’s mindful of doing it with some clients, but for us, she said it works. She feels its beneficial to us to use it during our sessions. And so do I. I feel that it works for us.

I’m glad we got to process the memories. Now to get through the rest of this week, hopefully we can. We had to rearrange our session for next week as next monday here is a bank holiday, so we’ll see Eileen on thursday morning instead. I’m so glad she could fit us in on another day. I’m so grateful to her for doing that for us so we wouldnt go without therapy for a week.

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