we have no therapy this coming week. our therapist eileen is on a weeks holiday.
i dont know how i feel. i’m trying to be ok about it. the truth is though im scared.
we’ve had a lot of anxiety and a lot of internal chaos going on this past week.
we needed to have a session this week.
plus too with willow having confessed to having stockpiled all of our meds with the intent of ending her life I think now more than ever is when we needed eileen and needed a therapy session.
i did email her and am hoping she’ll write a quick note back to us, so we will have that to read if we feel alone, scared or sad.
its hard going a week without therapy, we’re so attached, sometimes i wonder if it was a good thing to become so attached to her, because we miss her like crazy when she’s not there.
oh well. all we can do is our best to get through the week.
if anyone here can support us in getting through it I’ll be forever grateful to you and love you forever for it, hehehee.
HEY ITS LIZ. SO I HAD THE WHOLE OF OUR THERAPY SESSION TODAY. IT WAS SO TOUGH. I KNEW I HAD TO GO IN THERE THOUGH AND BE HONEST. SO I DID. I DID AND I AM SO GLAD I TALKED. WE DID EMDR. AND WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. FIRST OF ALL WE WORKED ON GROUNDING EXERCISES. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND HER OFFICE. THAT ALWAYS CALMS ME DOWN. I WAS FEELING REALLY SHAKY AND JUMPY. SHE ASKED ME TO TRY TO NAME MY FEELINGS. BUT I COULDNT. I JUST COULDNT GO THERE. IT WAS WAAAAY TOO DIFFICULT. WE DID THIS THING DURING THE EMDR WHERE SHE HAD ME BRING UP A GOOD MEMORY AND THEN SHE HAD ME FLASH OVER TO THE DARK MERKY PLACE I FELT LIKE I WAS IN. SHE HAD ME FLASH OVER AND BACK FIRST UNDER HER INSTRUCTION AND THEN SHE HAD ME TRY TO GO THERE AND COME BACK TO THE PRESENT ON MY OWN AND SHE HAD ME DO IT 3 TIMES AND THEN 5 TIMES. AT FIRST I COULDNT REALLY DO IT BUT I GOT BETTER AT IT. I TRIED TO DESCRIBE THE FLAT FEELING AND THE FEELINGS OF BLAH AND LETHARGY AND DEPRESSEDNESS IS DEPRESSEDNESS EVEN A WORD? ANYWAY, I TRIED MY BEST TO DESCRIBE THOSE FEELINGS TO HER IN THE BEST WAY I COULD. I THINK SHE GOT IT. SHE SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND. SHE KEPT TELLING ME I WASNT ON MY OWN WITH ALL OF IT, THAT I HAD HER. THAT SHE CARED AND WANTED TO SUPPORT ME. SHE ASKED ME A FEW TIMES IF I FELT SAFE. I DID FEEL SAFE IN HER OFFICE. ESPECIALLY AFTER DOING THE GROUNDING EXERCISES. I TOLD HER THAT LATELY I’D BEEN ONLY COMING OUT TO DEAL WITH CRISIS SITUATIONS. TO HELP US WHEN NO ONE ELSE COULD DO THE JOB. I AM NOT LIVING MY LIFE. I AM SIMPLY BEING AN ANKOR FOR THE SYSTEM. I AM THE ONE WHO MANAGES WHEN NO ONE ELSE CAN. AND IT IS DRAGGING ME DOWN THAT IT IS THIS WAY. I WANT TO DO THINGS I ENJOY. I WANT TO TRY TO LIVE. I DONT WANT TO JUST EXIST. I WANT TO BE ME I WANT TO BE ME AND BE FREE TO BE HOW I AM. I’M ALWAYS AFRAID THAT IF I FEEL, IF I SHOW THE OTHERS IN THE SYSTEM MY TRUE FEELINGS, THAT THEY’LL ALL GET OVERWHELMED AND THEN WE’LL END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AND IT’LL BE ALL MY FAULT. I DONT WANT TO GO THERE. I DONT WANNA GO IN. I CANT. WE CANT. WE ARE TRYING OUR HARDEST TO STAY STABLE AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. DR. BARRY IS REALLY PROUD OF US. I WOULD HATE TO DISAPPOINT HER. I NEVER EVER WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. NOT THAT SHE EVER SAID I DID, QUITE THE OPPOSITE ACTUALLY. SHE IS FOREVER TELLING ME ITS OK NOT TO BE OK. THAT I AM WAY TOO HARD ON MYSELF. ANYWAY. THERE WAS A YOUNG PART OF ME TODAY, A TEENAGE PART, I’D SAY SHE WAS AROUND 15 OR 16. AND SHE WAS STUCK, SHE KEPT SAYING SHE WAS IN A SWAMP AND SHE WAS STUCK AND COULDNT GET OUT OF THERE. SHE WAS SCARED AND VULNERABLE AND OVERWHELMED AND REALLY REALLY FRIGHTENED. I TOLD EILEEN ABOUT THE SWAMP AND HOW DARK AND MERKY IT WAS IN THERE. HOW IT IS LIKE A HUGE HOLE AND IF YOU ARE IN IT YOU START TO SINK. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP GET HER OUT OF THE SWAMP. SO WE WORKED WITH HER AND EILEEN WAS ABLE TO HELP PULL HER OUT. SHE HAD ME VISUALISE A ROPE LADDER AND SHE TOLD ME TO TELL THIS TEEN PART TO PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE ROPE AND THEN EILEEN HAD ME VISUALISE HER DRIVING A TRACTOR WITH SOMETHING ON THE BACK THAT WOULD PULL THE TEEN PART OUT OF THE SWAMP. AND IT WORKED. SHE WAS DAZED AND VERY DISORIENTATED WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THERE. AND EILEEN SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT SHE RESTED. AND SHE TOLD ME ONCE SHE’S RESTED THAT MAYBE I COULD SHOW HER AROUND OUR HOUSE. SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. SHOW HER THAT ITS 2018 AND WE ARE SAFE. SHE ASKED ME IF I FELT I COULD DO IT. I SAID YES I THOUGHT I COULD. IT WAS AN INTENSE SESSION. BUT A REALLY PRODUCTIVE ONE TOO. IM SO GLAD I HAD ALL OF IT. I NEEDED TO TALK. I NEEDED TH VALIDATION. I NEEDED THE REASSURANCE AND SUPPORT.
im lukin foward to therpy on monday
im so hapy we get to go
i missed eileen
im gona email her
to tell her bout ar vacation
she will lik to hear abowt it
i sent her a pictur of us
wen we wer holdin the starfish
it be good to go to therpy
mabe she can read to us
and mabe she wil hav the book recorded for us
she said she was gonna do it
we only hav one session
then shes on holiday for a week
i dont lik that
i wish she wasnt
i will miss her
im jus glad dat its almos monday agin
my name is Rebecca. i’m 21. i’m a dark in our system. for those who don’t know, darks are insiders who usually work against the system, I say usually because some darks can change, and I am hopeful I’ll be one who does.
I talked to Eileen today. That was hard. I’ve never spoken to her before, in fact I didn’t even know her, I know very little about our life actually. She had to explain a lot to me.
We talked about the cult date coming up. she asked me to explain to her about the reasons why us darks try to contact abusers, what need were we trying to meet. So I did. Well I tried. It was hard. Every fibre of my being was telling me to shut up, don’t talk. Other insiders were screaming at me to shut up. Telling me to not say a word.
I didn’t shut up though. I talked. And it felt so good to get it all out.
I wont go into details but well I kept dissociating and falling into memories, and she kept pulling me out of the memories and back into the present. Eventually she had me walk around the room, to ground. She had me touch things in the room, and then she had me stand by the window and feel the sun on my face which did help a little bit to ground me.
She asked me to let Liz handle things tomorrow. Would I be up for doing that. I said yes. I want to have a little time this week where I can just come out and just do something that doesn’t involve contacting any bad people, she said she thinks that its important that I do that. That I make time and come out and just be able to be in the body and doing something that I want to do, something fun. So I am thinking I may come out and watch something on tv, or pick a book and read, something that seems rather mundain to a normal person but for me its huge because I never ever get to experience being out in the body for any other reason other than bad reasons.
so yeah. Looking forward to doing that. I think it will be good and I’ll enjoy it.
In the mean time I am up for letting Liz handle tomorrow and if I need to talk more I can either write here or write to Eileen email her. She said I could. So I will.
i feel a really strong pull to my therapist.
i know its the child parts. they want to be with her. they need her. hell i need her to. but somehow im feeling very vulnerable this morning.
trying best as i can to manage it. not easy but trying all the same.
attachment pain sucks. sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.
i can feel some very young parts surfacing. i’m trying to not switch out. because im in class. i cant really switch until im in the privacy of my room. its not safe.
think i’ll let the young parts email eileen. she’s always happy for us to do that. it might help them feel connected to know shes reading their words.
so we were back to therapy today. what a relief! it was such a relief to be back. was sooo happy to see eileen again.
there was a bunch of my sisters inside though who were angry. angry that she left us. angry that she came back and wanted us to work on stuff. angry that they had to go to therapy at all. they didnt want to go.
she asked if i’d be the spokesperson for us all. so i was.
we talked through the anger. that was hard. i get it that your angry at me for leaving you. i get that, she said softly.
do you? do you really get it? i do, she said.
do you think we could talk about the anger? nooo, we dont wanna, we cant, the words, they wont come, we cant…
slowly we tried though. and we did succeed at it eventually.
i told her how i’d been trying to email her stuff this week but couldnt find my words. but then today i was able to talk to her about it.
it felt like i was on my own this past two weeks, i said. i felt alone. i felt horrible. i wanted you there with me. but you werent there…you were gone…
i hate when your gone…
some of the teen insiders were in a strop. its as if you were never coming back, i said almost in tears. but i’m back now, clara. i’m back, i didnt leave, i know it felt like it but i’m here…i’m still here…
then i started telling her about my body. i wanted to punch out my arms, not at her, but just, to get the anger out. but i couldnt. my movements were stiff and cumbersome.
so i started to tell her about my body, how im 15, and my body inside, is totally different to my body when im out. i have so much energy inside, my movements are powerful, they are strong, i feel strong, but then, when i come out, and am out in the body, my movements dont feel as strong. my body reacts slower, i feel very slowed down, i certainly dont feel like im 15 when im out.
so we talked through all that. and then eileen had me do some body exercises, she practiced what she learned last week on me! i was the very first person she practiced her learning on! that felt so good!
so she had me walk through some exercises where i noticed my arms, the muscles in them, how they felt, what they were wanting to do, and then she had me do it, move my arms, punch out my arms, feel it, feel into it, and it felt sooo good to do it!
we are going to do some more work next week on it. but for this week she wants me to practice the exercises i did with her.
and she wants me to continue practicing my breathing. she said thats very important.
so yeah a good therapy session today!
AND IM SO THRILLED! THIS BREAK WAS HELL! I JUST CANT WAIT TO GET BACK IN EILEENS OFFICE AND SEE HER TOMORROW.
2 WEEKS WAS JUST SO LONG!
I JUST GOT DONE EMAILING HER TO TELL HER HOW HAPPY I AM THAT WE’LL BE BACK IN THERAPY TOMORROW!
FEELS SOOO GOOD!
WE HAVE TWO MORE SESSIONS AND THEN ANOTHER WEEK OFF, BUT THIS TIME ITS CUZ WE’RE ON HOLIDAY, NOT EILEEN.
JUST GLAD THINGS ARE GETTING BACK TO NORMAL.