So my lockdown begins

so i got home this afternoon. i’m home now for at least 2 weeks, could be longer, doubt this lockdown is gonna be short, i think it will go on for at least six to 8 weeks. it may not but i’m pretty sure its gonna. i am making sure i have loads to keep me occupied during the time at home. especially loads of books. i’m also going to blog a lot, so get ready for an explosion of posts from here…lol. i need you all to keep me sane! I really really need support. I am not used to being cooped up in the house for so long. I am used to going out and being out and about. It is going to be hard to stay home. Thank god I also have netflix and the tv and radio and music. This is going to just be a crazy few weeks I am sure. I might not even get to see anyone on my birthday which is in 3 weeks time. My big 40th. That will suck, if that is the case. I’ll just have to celebrate it with all of my wp family and my online friends. Are ya all ready for a party? We’ll have to break out the music and party the day away. lol. Really though this lockdown is going to test me. I wish it wasnt happening! I mean dont worry I know we have to, I understand that its to help us to stop the spread of coronavirus, butoh man! I am going to just go nuts. Someone needs to give me some sugestions for things to do to stay busy. Thank goodness I have work, now that this lockdown happened I am glad I dont have this week off of work. Work is my saving grace. It keeps me busy and I have other people to focus on other than myself and my own needs. And thank god for Eileen and dr. barry. I have a session with eileen tomorrow morning. I cant wait. I am so looking forward to it. She just emailed me the zoom link a few minutes ago. I’m planning on staying awake late tonight. No point is going to bed early, when I can sleep now whenever I want, I dont have to rise and shine at a certain hour of the day. Is that a good or a bad thing? Lol.
😀 ❤

Virtually being held by our therapist

Therapy today was awesome! We had a great session and Eileen was amazing.
During the session some of the kids had a hard time feeling eileens presence, they didnt understand that she could see them, some of them do, but some dont understand about it being online now. They were wondering why we werent in eileens office, and seeing her, sitting next to her, and being with her.
Then eileen had an idea. She said for us to put our hand our left hand on our right shoulder, just like she does when we’re upset or stressed out.
We did it, and it was instant, the connection! Eileen said she was reaching out to us, and connecting, doing it too, and she even said she felt heat under her own hand, as if our shoulder was right there under her hand.
Then, she had us do the butterfly hug, which is part of EMDR, and she also did it with us, even going at the same speed with the tapping that we were doing.
Being virtually held made us all feel so safe.
She kept saying to us, you are safe, I am here with you, listen to my voice, I am in your living room, we are connected.
It was such a validating experience! I never thought online therapy would work so well, but it actually does. Even Eileen agrees, she said she had misgivings too at first, but she’s glad we’re doing it now, and she still feels our connection as strongly as if we were in her office and sitting together.
I am so glad she does, because, I do too.


Just so unstable

I never went to therapy this morning. I got too overwhelmed. I tried not to cancel the session, but the anxiety got too much. At 8:30 I texted Eileen, and told her I was cancelling. I asked her if there was any possibility we could reschedule the session for later on in the week. She texted back to say at the moment she doesn’t have an opening but if she gets a cancelation she’ll get back to me.
Then I went back to bed. I didn’t really sleep though. I got maybe half an hour of good rest. The rest of the time I just layed there overthihnking and ruminating.
My friend Norma called me and we chatted, that was a good distraction. Also my friend sarah was texting me, she offered to talk to me but at the time I was too wound up and I couldn’t think straight so I said it was fine, that I’d be ok.
I rang Dr. Barrys office, and my appointment is not going ahead on Wednesday. We might be doing a phone session, the secretary needs to talk to dr. barry to see what she wants to do. So I guess I really should have tried harder to get to my therapy session, since now I don’t have any support from my mental health team for the week. Well, I can email Eileen, or text I guess, but I feel bad doing that when we didn’t have our session.
I’m still feeling very off. This self isolating has me all up in a heap. I feel triggered, really triggered by it. And I heard on the radio this morning that Ireland might actually be definitely going into a lockdown phase, because some people are being so damn stupid, going to beaches, not taking social distancing seriously, being so disrespectful of others who might get sick from their carelessness.
Its ridiculous. I guess its just a waiting game now. But they even closed macdonalds here, and I think that says a lot, most places are now closed down.
Well, I think I’ll go make some lunch, try to get my focus on something other than this damn anxiety monster, I hope it works.

Feel like cancelling therapy!

I am so anxious! I feel absolutely terrible!

I want to cancel my therapy session this morning! That’s not a good sign, as I almost never want to do that. I’m not gonna cancel it, but I really don’t feel up to having a session this morning.

However, I’ll push on through. I’ll tell Eileen how I am feeling. Maybe putting words on it is going to help me. I hope so!

I have 3 hours before the session. I need a cup of coffee and a good cry. I really feel like shit!

Is anyone around? Could use some support if you are!

ug anxious

omg I am super anxious! This is not good. It is not a good night. I feel very overwhelmed. I am full of nervous energy. I am also jumping out of my skin. I feel like absolute crap. I doubt I am going to sleep. Too stressed out. Ug this feels so awful. I feel sick, so, so sick. I feel like I might throw up. Feeling so scared about the coronavirus, scared and worrying about my mom, what if she catches it? Obviously that would be awful and its something I dont want but its something I have no control over. Gees lightbulb moment. Its the lack of control, having no control over how somethings gonna turn out thats what has me so anxious. Wow I just figured that out now. Plus also, I am nervous about trying out zoom tomorrow with eileen, I want it to work and am nervous something might go wrong. I am hoping it wont. I suppose if it does we can do a phone session. I should really try to sleep if it is possible because tomorrow I have a therapy session in the morning, then moms coming over. so i’ll be busy. and functioning on little to no sleep is gonna be super hard. but well, what can I do, I am too anxious now to try for sleep. maybe later.