I missed therapy today

well, I never managed to get to therapy.


The roads were icy. Very slick. No way was I chancing getting in a taxi and getting in an accident.

There is a hill going up to Eileens house. I knew we’d slip and slide all over that hill. Soooo, no. Not happening.

I texted eileen and told her, she understood and texted me back within a few minutes.

So, I have had a morning at home, I will be going to the ILS course at 11:45. The roads are still a little icy but its eased off somewhat.


feel likeI wasted my day

i totally feel like i wasted my day. mom came over and she stayed for about 2 hours. i had dinner which she brought with her and my sis came too but she was busy vacuming her car. she brought her two kids and they were having a lot of fun with nitro. but when they all left which was around 4:30 i crawled into bed. and that is where I stayed for most of the rest of the evening. i actually slept too. i’m telling myself i must have needed the sleep. i have a busy week ahead and probably i needed to catch up on sleep that i never got last week. i got up a little while ago because nitro was whining to go out, the usual, lol. its after 1 AM but I’ll probably stay up now.
sitting here, sipping a latte, thinking about therapy this morning.

Therapy today

we had a very productive therapy session this morning.

we decided to go through remys report, which I havent yet posted, but will do later tonight. its just a draft report, the final one wont be prepared until we all add our comments to it.

eileen had printed it out and we read through it talking over what was in it. we made notes as we went along.

we ended up stopping and starting a lot because things came up like things about attachment, mom issues, etc. it was me carol anne who did all the talking today. and boy did i need the session.

eileen asked me how i felt about trying to encorporate meditation into my day. so from tomorrow on I will make it one of my daily goals..

the attachment thing, i told her dr. barry says we have attachment disorder. she said that had an effect on her and she didnt like the word disorder. that everyone to some degree has a degree of attachment issues, then we talked about secure and insecure attachment for a little bit.

we talked about my mom and i told eileen i feel dependent on her, and she allows it to happen, and we discussed this at length and i said how I worry in case something will happen to her and then i wont manage by myself, eileen encouraged me to talk to her again and tell her how i am feeling, and ask her to let go a little relincish control a little bit and allow me to do my own thing.

as it is now she’s constantly reminding me to do things, things like did i let nitro out, did i brush my teeth, did i wash dishes, take meds, etc. it gets old, but then i know secretly there are parts who like that she does those things for us.

we talked a little about dr. barry and the spacing out of our apts with her to bi weekly. she asked me how i was doing with that. i didnt lie. i said i found it hard. i said i am finding it hard to get used to it after 4 plus years of weekly apts with her.

it was a very full on session. at the end she told me about a new course she is going to do in body psychotherapy. we then got to talking about books on trama and she asked me if reading them triggered me in any way. i said i dont read them in their entirity that i dip in and out of them.

she’s going to do the symatic therapy course in april. i’ll be interested to see how we can encorporate it in to future sessions. I’m very curious.

i feel drained now after the session. i hope i’ll sleep well tonight. i do have a lot to process after it.

Kira’s therapy session

im kira and im 12. today i got to talk to eileen. i had a lot to say.
we started off talking about anxiety and about how we struggle with feeling like we are not normal. eileen kept saying we are normal. and there is nothing abnormal about us.
she ask me to think about if a miracle happened, and i woke up one day and all the anxiety was gone, and all the icky memories were gone and i felt good what would that feel like.
we worked with that for a while and we worked with the pulsers and she asked me to tell her how i felt in my body and what images came up for me.
that was hard. some of the other insiders werent happy doing that. it made them feel like they were not being heard.
i hadnt told eileen at the start it was me. i tried to say i was carol anne. because i am used to blending in and not being seen. i am just used to being here and nobody noticing me. but she noticed.
she asked whose this I am talking to?
at first i was too scared to say but eventually i did. and she said she’s very glad i told her who I am. and that I am very welcome.
after a while i told her a little bit about me. and about what i hold.
i hold the memories of a rape that happened to us 10 years ago. we did not really go into the memory today but we just talked a little bit around it.
it is me and emily who hold the memory of that night. i hold the memory of what happened and emily holds the memories of the examinations in the hospital afterwords.
i told eileen that the bigs are reading a jenina fischer book about did and trauma and she talked to me about the different terminology that jenina uses to describe parts.
she said she thinks i fit in with the freeze and attach parts. both of those types of parts are a match for me.
after a while we stopped working with the pulsers. i asked if i can hold her hand. and we sat holding hands for a while. that felt good.
then she said will we try an exercise, did i want to.
i said yes. so she had me think up a place that i felt calm in. somewhere either where i’ve been or she said it could be an imaginary place. i picked tirc waterfalls in killarney, its a place i’ve been and its very peaceful.
so then she had me imagine that, the place, smells, sounds etc. we used the pulsers again then for a while when i did that.
and then she thought me how to do the thing in EMDR where you cross your arms over your chest and you tap each side fast but not too fast, first you tap the left and then the right side. and she said i can do that and think up the place, and i had given her a word, peaceful, to describe the place.
she said if i can bring up the word during the week and do the tapping and stuff, thats my homework for the week.
at the end of the session i got a big hug from her. i wanted to stay wrapped in her arms forever. but i couldnt. i had to pull away from her. i didnt want to though.
it was a good session. im happy she got to meet me and she saw me.

Processing a nightmare

today in therapy we talked about the recent nightmares we’ve been having. i spoke with eileen about one particularly troublesome nightmare. its a nightmare where one of our past abusers chases us with a knife, and threatens to kill us. eileen asked me if i wanted to work with the pulsers and try to process the nightmare which is also a part memory because its a senario that did happen to us on many occasions. so i said i wanted to do it. it was very hard and i dissociated a lot at the beginning. but every time i dissociated eileen was able to stop what we were doing and bring me back out of it. at one point she had me stand up and feel the sun on my face, feel some things that were in her office, familiar objects to me. anyway getting back to the nightmare. she asked me on a scale of 1-7 how disturbing was it? at the start of the session it was ata 7. she asked me to bring up the picture of my abuser chasing me and tell her how it made me feel, what was in the image that came up, how my body was reacting to it etc. it was very intense. but i did it and i was able to describe to her in detail how it made me feel. we processed it a little more for a while. then every so often she’d check in with me and ask me on a scale of 1-7 with 7 being the most disturbing how was i doing and how disturbing was the dream now. we focused a lot on the memory in the nightmare. and then we made a new ending. she asked me how the dream ended. at first when i remembered the nightmare and when she asked me how it made me feel, what was the belief about myself i said i felt trapped, and like i couldnt break free. by the end i didnt feel that way any more. we made a new ending where i ran away from my abuser. and of course liz said she wanted to hurt him and eileen said she could, she could defend herself now from him. we talked about some parts being fearful of the pulsers and the processing and eileen kept reassuring them that she had no agenda and that they were all welcome and that she was just aiding us to process a memory that we were not going into it but that we were just working at trying to resolve it. she kept saying that if we resolve it that the nightmare will stop reoccuring. i am glad we did that piece of work today. i feel a lot better after it, i have a lot more clarity and i feel less anxious and fearful. its hard work though. i do feel very tired after the session. eileen said hopefully i’ll sleep well tonight. i think i will.
carol anne

Pushing on through

I woke up early today. I didnt go to bed until after 3 AM. Then I woke up at 6, couldnt go back to sleep so got up.
I have therapy in 2 hours time. I’m actually looking forward to todays session. Mood wise I feel pretty ok. We did have a little bit of a hard time last night, though.
Some of the kids were scared and having memories. I put on some cartoons to soothe them and made them some chicken nuggets and they seemed to like that.

Moms here

mom came over. she brought me dinner. it was yummilicious. lamb chops, turnip, mashed potato and a gorgeous gravy that had herbs in it. mmmm yum. i gobbled it down. now she’s doing some cleaning for me, she cleaned the yard and we sorted out my bag, packed it and she did the dishes for me. my aunt called for a few minutes as well. i gave her a doll for one of her grandkids who recently hurt her arm. she’s four years old. she was getting her ipad out of a drawer and a knife went up through her hand, where her thumb and index finger meet and severed the nerves there. painful, i’d say. its good to have my mom over. feels comforting. my dad goes back to the hospital tomorrow about his eyes, for a check up and to see if they’ve improved any since christmas time. hopefully they have. he’s still putting drops in them every day. i have therapy tomorrow too. i am looking forward to our session. i know we’ll have plent to talk about.