Today in therapy…

Therapy today was good. we talked a lot about the anxiety, and eileen had us do some EMDR to help with it. We worked with the pulsers, and she had me bring up a safe place, somewhere where I felt peaceful, calm, and soothed. I decided that I wanted to be back at torc waterfall, where I went last summer, because I loved the sound the water made, it was so calming. So using the pulsers I was able to bring up the image of it, and then Eileen had me come up with a word that I could use when I wanted to go there in my mind, so I used the word soothing. She said, when I said that word that immediately the images of torc waterfall would come into my mind. She told me during the week, if the anxiety gets really bad, that I should do the butterfly hug, which is an EMDR exercise, and say that word soothed aloud, and doing both of those things, I’d be able to calm down again. The anxiety felt so bad this morning, it really felt as if I was going to die from it. I can honestly say it was the worst its ever been. When we first got to our session, we were dissociating a lot. Actually it was Emily who was out at first, and it was a little while before Eileen was able to get Liz out and then get me back again. She had to keep telling us over and over that we were safe, and there was no immediate emergency. We kept wanting to run, that happens to us sometimes, we’ll want to run away. It usually happens when we are very distressed or very triggered. Overall though we did have a good session, and we were really happy when we left, calmer, more able to function again, and when we got home we slept for a few hours, because we were drained, therapy always makes us tired, especially if we’ve been doing EMDR.

Its here, therapy day yay!

and its over! our therapy break is over yay! I am so glad!
We will see Eileen in less than 2 hours!
I am so excited!
It feels wonderful to be actually going to see her again!
I am looking forward to connecting and giving her a huge hug!
We’re going to bring the new book the kids got for christmas so she can read it to them.
They were supposed to do it before christmas but time ran away with us!
I am so, so happy our break is over!
Happy tuesday everyone!

Eileen and our check in!

So Eileen and us are on a therapy break. But we’re still able to email her and we’ve also been texting her. We texted her on Christmas day to wish her a merry Christmas, and she did of course text us back and wished us a nice day and told us to stay well. On Monday we had a bit of a phone check in, because some of the kids had been emailing her during the night on Sunday night. She was going grocery shopping, and on her way home she phoned us, we were napping when the call came in, but of course as soon as we heard our phone ring and saw it was Eileen, we rushed to pick up her call. We chatted for about 20 minutes. She told us all about the hour and 15 minutes she’d spent in a line at the grocery store, to try to calm us down, as we were very anxious and panicking. Hearing her tell us about her day was nice. And it did calm us right down! We talked about Christmas and what we were planning to do for it. We did an exercise where we contained our memories, and it worked until tonight when some memories started seeping through. I wish we’d been able to get the containment exercise to work for longer. We didn’t arrange another check in but I know if we need to we can just text Eileen and ask her for a check in, I’m sure she’d say yes to us. If we don’t talk again before the 7th that’s ok too. We can always text or email. I’m so happy about that. Being able to put our thoughts in an email, or text if we’re in crisis, means the world to all of us. It makes the break much more bearable. Much more manageable also.

Emily: Therapy time!

hihihihii everyone,
its me Emily. I had the whole of our therapy session this week. We had therapy yesterday. It was good, really good. We forgot our book so Eileen didnt read to us, but that was ok, we got busy discussing other things, and we can have her read it to us after the holidays.
I talked to her about the time I had to hold our system together for 4 months, and I had to pass as a grown up and all. It was a rough few months. We were going to college back then, it was back in 2007. Carol anne was down, so were most of te adults. Me and a few of the other kids and my own insiders were the only ones up back then so we had to run the show completely.
Eileen said after christmas we can try to process those memories, if I want to. I do want to, because now I cant trust the grown ups, I dont trust that they’ll be there and keep me safe. Eileen said its probably because I’ve had to act like a grown up forever. So even if I wanted to I wouldnt be able to let go of that role.
She gave me an example of a family where the mom isnt coping, the dad is drinking, and all the kids are just left to fend for themselves, she said if one of the kids was 12 like me, and they were doing adult stuff all of the time, helping out at home, helping their parents to cope and manage, that then they’d never be able to just do kids stuff, or to just be able to be a child. And she said thats how it is for me too.
So she had me make a deal with her, that over the christmas I’d start taking breaks from all of that responsibility that I feel I have. You see when carol anne or liz is out, I’m always watching, just in case anything goes wrong and I need to step in. Eileen made me promise that I’d start taking breaks, maybe an hour here and there where I am off duty. Where I can do stuff I like. So carol anne bought me the secret garden, and the little princess, I love those books and I want to read them. So thats what I will do when I have my time off. I will read.
It was a great session we had and eileen said we’ve done a lot of hard work this year. She said she hoped we can take a break from the work over christmas. She said she admires us and how committed we are to our healing. She wished us a lovely christmas and she said if we need her to text her or email her and we’ll have a few phone check ins too over the break. We dont see her in person again now until the 7th of January. But we’re ok with that. We can manage I think. Its good we’re able to reach her if we need to. I’m glad that she’s ok with us doing that.
Butterfly hugs,
Loves you,
Emily age 12

Ghostly happenings at therapy!

Today during our therapy session with eileen something very odd happened! We were doing some grounding work. And we were walking around the office. We stopped at the window and eileen was standing with us talking to us and all of a sudden we heard a huge crash coming from across the room. My first thought was, someones thrown something at the window! I couldnt think who would have done it though as Eileens house is way out in the country! Eileen spun around, only to see her clock on the floor smashed into pieces. It had somehow fallen off the wall and had broken! We couldnt believe it! Eileen said she’d gotten a terrible fright, which I knew, since she’d gone so quiet when it happened before she actually spun around to see what it was that had just happened! I got pretty spooked too! It was a scary thing for sure, but we were able to laugh about it once we got over the shock of it! Eileen thought that the hook she’d hung the clock up with was probably weak, and that is why it fell off the wall. Or, I said, it could be a ghost, disagreeing with us. Lol we both laughed at that. It sure made the session way more interesting though and it definitely woke us up!

I had to miss therapy today what a bummer!

I didnt get to go to therapy today! I am sick! I had a dreadful headache and stomach ache. I couldnt face trying to go in and talk. So I texted Eileen at 7:45 and I told her. She was lovely about it. She even offered me another time this week to see her. I wasnt expecting her to do that. I will see her on Wednesday morning at 9:30. I was delighted when she offered me an alternative day to come in. I thanked her and sent her lots of imogies lol. Then I went back to bed and slept for another few hours. I’d gotten up at 3:30 AM and stayed up for 3 hours. So I needed some more sleep. I didnt wake up again until after noon. I’m not going into work today either. I’ll go in tomorrow instead.

doing EMDR really spooked me

this is misty. i am 15. i have had a scary morning, i came out during therapy, because liz was doing EMDR with eileen, and i was nearby, and the pulsers spooked me, i felt scared of them, the feel of them buzzing in my hand made me freak out.
eileen talked to me and we talked a lot about feelings, i told her it felt as if something was going to spill out all over the place and leak out everywhere causing a huge mess.
she asked me to describe my feelings to her, i had a hard time doing that. im not good at describing things. i dont come out a lot, time and places dont really mean a lot to me, i know we have a house and live on our own, but i rarely am out, so eileen suggested that liz sticks by me, and when liz is out i can experience some of what that is like through her.
that felt safer to me, i feel safe with liz. i admire liz, look up to her, i do have a friend inside, her name is clara.
i dont think i want to open too much stuff up just yet, its too scary, im afraid, afraid of what will happen when i do.
eileen said its like a balloon, we can untie the knot in it, let a little of the air out and then tie it back up again, she said we dont have to let all of the air out at once. she said she wouldnt let us do that, she doesnt want to destabilise us, thats not her intent.
im glad. maybe i will use the pulsers at some point in the future, when they dont feel so scary to me.