SO I DIDNT REALLY FEEL UP TO TALKING IN THERAPY TODAY. I DID EVENTUALLY TALK FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT ONLY WHEN EILEEN ACTUALLY ASKED FOR ME TO COME OUT. WHEN I CAME OUT SHE QUIZZED ME ON WHY I HADNT COME OUT WHEN SHE ASKED WHO WANTED TO COME FORWARD, SHE SAID SHE KNEW FROM MY EMAILS THIS PAST WEEK THAT I’D BEEN HAVING A TOUGH TIME, ANE MY ANGER AND RAGE HAD BEEN TROUBLING ME. I SAID I JUST DIDNT FEEL MUCH LIKE TALKING. THATS THE MAIN REASON WHY I DECIDED NOT TO COME OUT AND TO LET WILLOW COME OUT INSTEAD. ANYWAY, I SAID, I THOUGH YOU WOULDNT CARE WHETHER I CAME OUT OR NOT. I DIDNT THINK YOU’D EVEN MISS ME. SHE SAID THAT WASNT TRUE, AND THAT SHE DOES MISS MY INPUT WHEN I DONT COME OUT AND TALK TO HER. I FELT COMFORTED KNOWING SHE CARES, AND MISSES ME. IT FELT NICE TO BE THOUGHT ABOUT AND IT FELT GOOD THAT SHE CARES. WE DID TALK SOME AND I TOLD HER I HAD SPOKEN TO OUR FRIEND ABOUT THE OVERDOSE, BUT THAT I HAD TO CALM MYSELF BEFORE DOING IT, AS I WAS REALLY ANGRY. SHE SAID SHE KNEW THAT FROM THE EMAIL I WROTE TO HER. I WAS RAGING, SHE SAID SHE NOTICED HOW THE ANGER LITERALLY BLEW UP, AND GOT OUT OF CONTROL VERY QUICKLY. I SAID I NOTICED THAT TOO. WE DISCUSSED THE ANGER FOR A BIT. I HATE TALKING ABOUT ANGER. I JUST FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE DOING THAT. LIKE I AM NOT USED TO ALLOWING MYSELF TO LET THAT LEVEL OF ANGER OUT OR SHOW. BUT IM GLAD WE TALKED IT OVER. SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO CONTINUE EMAILING HER THIS WEEK. I SAID I WOULD. WE MADE A DEAL THAT I’D COME OUT AGAIN DURING NEXT WEEKS SESSION AND WE’D TALK SOME MORE AND MAYBE DO SOME WORK ON THE RAGE. I AGREED TO THAT. I FEEL AS IF I’VE HAD A PRODUCTIVE SESSION TODAY THOUGH.
so i feel a little bit anxious. am anxious about tomorrows therapy session.
i always get like this before a session, especially one after a therapy break. I wonder and wonder how it will go.
A lot of insiders have really struggled during this break, including me.
I guess we should start with how hard we found it to manage over the break. Part of me is dying to talk, part of me like meh I dont want to.
Logically I know its really the right thing to do. After all what is therapy for if it isnt to talk through the hard stuff?
I do know though that I need a hug. A big bear hug! I am gonna ask eileen for one the minute I see her!
so we just got home from therapy. we had a good session. i had a lot of the session and so did lexi. we spent time with eileen just talking. it felt good. i love having time with eileen. she makes me feel safe. so comforting and good to talk to her. today she helped us to make a beach inside. she asked us what we’d like to have inside so that when we’re not out we can have fun too. i said a beach. cuz i love the beach. so we used the pulsers and we did some guided imagery and we created a beach inside. we were talking about moods and eileen was telling me how moods are like the sea. cuz the sea goes in and out the tide does. and she said moods are like that they go up and down. and thats ok. she kept saying its totally ok. i was a little mad some of the time but only because i didnt want her to leave us. and i felt bad about her going. she said she understood. and that it is ok to be mad and i dont have to be nice to her if i dont feel like it. she was sick though with a head cold so i didnt want to be too mad at her. i was telling her we rested yesterday cuz the bigs werent feeling good. she told me she did too and she said she feels better today because she took time to rest up. we also created a gym inside. and a play area with trampelines and a basket ball hoop and all of the kids can use it. she said we can keep adding stuff if we need to and if we think of more things we can add them in. i like doing the EMDR. it feels good and its not too hard. eileen goes slow with us. she doesnt make it stressful. we talked a little about our mom. we were talking about how our mom does a lot of things for us and eileen said actions speak louder than words sometimes. that she shows her love for us by the things she does for us. and that she might not be able to talk about our past with us but she is trying to make up for it now by showing us how much she cares about us. i agree. she is really trying. i do wish she’d talk about our past sometimes and recognise us for who we are. but she cant. and thats ok cuz we have eileen and dr. barry, and they see us and recognise us. so that is good, right? we read our new book finally too today. it is a real good book. there were lots of pictures in it that eileen described to us as she read it. i enjoyed the book and we recorded it so we’ll have it. and oh i nearly forgot. eileen gave us something from her office to look after while she’s away. she gave us a willow tree figure, angel of friendship. we’re going to keep it safe until she comes back, and we’ll know she’s coming back because we have to go to her office and give it back to her. its really nice to have something of hers to keep. it lets us feel closer to her. and we love willow tree figures to and we collect them so that is cool as well. so all in all it was a very good session. and i feel good after it.
IN THERAPY TODAY I DID A LOT OF PROCESSING. THERE WAS A LOT TO PROCESS. I WORKED WITH A YOUNG PART OF ME. SHE WAS AROUND SIX OR SEVEN. IT STARTED OUT ME AND EILEEN TALKING ABOUT MARY LEAVING. AND THEN EILEEN SAID SHE COULD FEEL THAT THERE WAS MORE TO IT. THAT SHE HAD THE FEELING THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. THAT I WASNT SAYING. I TOLD HER YES THERE WAS. SHE ASKED ME TO TRY TO EXPLAIN. AT FIRST I COULDNT. I COULDNT FIND THE WORDS. THEN I FELT THIS LITTLE GIRL, I FELT HER FEAR, HER INTENSE SENSE OF BEING ALONE, LONELY, FEELING ABANDONED, SO I TOLD EILEEN WHAT I WAS FEELING. THEN EILEEN ASKED ME IF I’D LIKE TO WORK WITH THAT WITH THE PULSERS. SO I SAID YES I WOULD. SO THEN WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS AND WITH THE YOUNG PART OF ME. IT WAS SO HARD NOT TO FULLY DISSOCIATE. I ALMOST DID A COUPLE OF TIMES. BUT JUST AS I WAS SPACING OUT EILEEN WOULD STOP THE EMDR AND BRING ME BACK. SHE SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO STAY PRESENT SO THAT I COULD SUPPORT THE YOUNGER PART OF ME. IT WAS PRETTY INTENSE. BUT GOOD WORK TOO. WE GOT A LOT PROCESSED. BY THE END OF THE SESSION I WAS ABLE TO GO STAND BY MY YOUNGER SELF. GIVE HER SUPPORT. I HAD COMPASSION FOR HER. I FELT ABLE TO MANAGE AGAIN TOO WHICH FELT GOOD. EILEEN ASKED ME AT THE BEGINNING WHAT WAS THE BELIEF ABOUT MYSELF. I SAID I FELT UNABLE TO COPE. AND I FELT ALONE. BY THE END I FELT ABLE TO MANAGE SUCCESSFULLY AGAIN. THAT BELIEF HAD CHANGED. I FELT STRONG AND MORE ABLE TO COPE. I KNEW I’D BE OK. I KNEW I COULD AND WOULD HAVE A GOOD WEEK AHEAD. AFTER WE PROCESSED THE MEMORY WE JUST TALKED FOR A WHILE. EILEEN TOLD ME I’D COME REALLY FAR. THAT A COUPLE YEARS AGO I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS. AND SHE’S SO RIGHT I WOULDNT. MOST DEFINITELY I WOULDNT. IT WAS A GREAT SESSION. AND NOW I AM FEELING REALLY GOOD AFTER IT.
my name is nikki. i am 17. today i talked for the first time in therapy.
i have extreme anger issues. i was so angry when i spoke with eileen.
i couldnt help myself. the anger was just coarsing through my body. eileen was great though. she helped me with the anger. she was ok with me being mad at her, she said she wasnt surprised that I was, that I probably used anger as a survival technique.
She asked me after a while if I wanted to work with the pulsers and do some processing and tracking of the anger in my body. i said i would try it out. i’ve never done work with the pulsers before. so it was hard for me to get used to them.
but i did it. i am proud of myself that i did it.
we just did some work with the sensations that were coming up in my body in response to the anger. that was so hard. i felt like standing up and running as fast as i could out of the room. eileen kept telling me i was doing really good and that I was ok. that its normal to want to run. that my body was going into flight mode.
she had me stand up just to see what would happen, my feet couldnt stay still, neither could my arms. i was agitated. i was squirrely. and very unsteady on my feet.
i had to sit down again after a couple of minutes of standing up.
After we worked with the pulsers and I released some of my anger, we just talked. I talked to her about the darks. explained a lot about us to her. about how we are always struggling, we can never just have fun, we always are fighting to just get through the days in one piece.
she was very understanding. she said she thought I was very up in my head today. and so she gave me some homework, she wants me to walk this week, walk in the park, and become aware of my feet, pay attention to them, connect with them and really notice them.
I had to laugh at that, that seemed very odd to me, but I promised her I would do it.
I’m glad I had some time with her today. I felt so much better afterwords. And now I am actually not feeling bad tonight. I feel good. I dont feel angry. i dont feel like I am in a fit of rage. I just feel content. Happy even, feels good to me to feel like that, makes a change.
I CANT TALK IN THERAPY TODAY, I CANT I CANT I FEEL UNSAFE I WANT TO TALK REALLY I DO BUT I FEEL SO UNSAFE LIZ SAYS EILEEN IS OK AND TRUSTWORTHY AND SAFE I THINK SHE IS I’VE SEEN HER TALKING TO LIZ AND TO OTHERS IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE BUT I AM SO NERVOUS I THINK I HAVE A NO TALK PROGRAMME BEING ACTIVATED I JUST FEEL SO SCARED…
thats me this morning. no sleep last night. not a wink.
have been up since 6 AM. was in the kitchen drinking tea and on my phone, was the only one up in the house until mom and dad got up around 7:30.
now everyones up, and i’ve eaten breakfast, and showered. i feel better after a hot shower, i must say.
on my way to therapy in 30 minutes. wish me luck!