dr. barry and Allie have a heart to heart

hi. its allie. and i wanted to write to say today i talked with dr. barry. for a long time. and it felt so nice. she maked me feel so good about myself. she listened. she made me feel like i was the only person who mattered in the world. we talked about spacing our apointments out to two weeks apart. and i told her i dont want to but liz and carol anne do. and im not the only one who dont want to, all of us kids dont. she understood. but she said its an opportunity to challenge some things. and to grow. and we need to do that challenge our attachment issues. she said shes not goin anywhere and that if she ever planned on going somewhere shed let me know. she said carol anne had told her last week she loved how honest she is with us. and that she believes in being honest. and so that is why she said she’d tell me if she was ever going anywhere. she said taylor was very honest with her last week about her feelings as well. so that made me want to be honest with her too. so then i told her about how im scared shell leave me. and i feelin abandoned even tho she hasnt gone no where. and i dont wanna space out apts out because what if it means i dont see her nearly as much. i will miss her! she said she isnt able to keep up the weekly appointments because of demands on her from other patients. but she said if we spaced outthe apts to two weeks apart that shed keep them like that for a while. so we are doin it. and im not happy. but i gess ill try it. see what happens. i showed her my new book. she loved it. its the new book carol anne bought us for eileen to read to us. its called today i feel silly and other moods that make my day. she kept apologising to me because she said the language she was using to explain the attachment stuff probably wasnt age appropriate for me. but that she knows eileen is better at dealing with that side of things and so she thinks itd be good if i talked with her. i told her what eileen said about feelings, that they dont be going to kill us. and that its ok to be how we are there no pressure to be any other way. i also told her that eileen said we are confused because her role and dr. barrys role are similar and that spacing them apts out might be a good thing cuz then itd give us a chance to see eileen as the mother figure and attach to her more so that we can heal our past. dr. barry said that thats probably a good idea because even though shes our psychiatrist our attachment to her is a different sort of attachment to eileen, and in some ways eileen is more important because the deeper work is being done with her.
it was a good session. im glad i came out. i hope i can again soon.
allie

Advertisements

Dr. Barry and me. Attachment talk

so i had my apt with dr. barry today. it was good. we talked about the upcoming did assessment. she is seeking guidance from the did specialists going forward with our treatment. basically she’s been winging it on her own for four and a half years, doing what she thinks is right, what she thinks she should be doing to treat our did. an opportunity has come up to get some guidance so she is taking it. its happening next week, on friday the 8th. it’ll be me, dr. barry, eileen, and the did specialist. today she talked to me about my feelings surrounding the assessment. i told her i was anxious. i told her one main reason i am so anxious is that i fear the did specialist saying i need to cut down on therapy, or saying something like that I’ve had too much already and i dont need so much going forward. basically i fear getting well. i fear stability. i fear losing dr. barry and eileens support. dr. barry understand my fears. she said this is an ongoing thing and we need to challenge it now because right now we are stuck. we are stuck in a loop and we cant get past it. she is seeing us weekly right now. she said today that part of her own anxiety is that she is afraid to push our appointments out further than a week apart because she is afraid of us decompressing, destabilising, etc. she said she really loves it when we’re doing well and she wants us to be ok and do well, she fears that we wont if she pushes our appointments out. she said she has seen in the past how insiders will act out, or do damage to our body, sabbotage therapy etc if they feel threatened. or like they are losing support. she said she has a list of questions for the did specialists around attachment and how to deal with the very tough aspects of attachment for a did system. she said when there are so many insiders at play its very hard as there are so many conflicting issues. i agreed. i love her honesty. i love that she felt she could say all of this to me. she said today to me that she feels we have a very good theraputic relationship. and we do. its 4 and a half years now that we’ve been seeing her. she told me today that a couple years ago she wouldnt have dreamed of saying the stuff about her own feelings to me but now she feels she can say it and we can talk about it. i love her for that. i love her for being real, letting her own emotions show and being so transparent. she said she feels we need to keep challening the attachment issues, they are ongoing, very complex, and will take a lot of work but she is hopeful that in the future we can push appointments out to first 2 and then 3 weeks and we will still feel secure in the attachment, we will know that even though we arent seeing dr. barry right there and then that she will be there for us, and she is not disappearing just because we havent seen her. right now that is the problem, we feel like she is gone for good when we dont see her. if she goes on a weeks holidays we feel like its the end of the world and we cant cope. that is the kind of thing we’re trying to change. so yeah it was a great conversation. hopefully next week the did specialist will have some ideas for how to manage it a little bit better.
carol anne

therapy

so yeah therapy today was very difficult. we had a hard discussion about needs. it was so hard to express to eileen how we really feel about needing her and how much it brings up for us both internally and externally. she got it though, she really got it. she said it was coming from a very young place, probably from when we were a toddler and not having our needs met properly. i had to agree she was probably correct. like I’ve mentioned before when we were between 0-3 we lived with a bunch of my dads family, all alcoholics, our mom was young, she used to leave us sometimes with our aunt or our dads mom, and they’d be drunk, and not looking after us properly. eileen said today that now that parts are feeling safer they are waking up, ready to heal. she asked me how i felt towards the young parts. i wasnt sure. part of me hates them because i dont want to have that level of need. but part of me is so protective of them because they are so young and so vulnerable. eileen asked a group of us to support them. she said she’d support us to support them. i told her it feels overwhelming to just try to support them. she said we’d work slowly at it over a while, that we dont have to rush into anything. i’m glad about that. i was telling her how last week there was this huge hole in our heart, we just wanted her, needed her, we just wanted her to hold us, hug us, cuddle us, we wanted to be engulfed in her arms, and never let go of her. i told her all that today and she totally understood how we’d be like that. she said its really important that we talk about it. we actuallly spent the entire session today discussing needs, our level of need and our attachment to eileen. it was intense. i did not think i’d be able to talk about it but when it came to it I actually could articulate it quite well. i’m just glad eileen gets it and so i dont feel stupid or silly going into those delicate topics of attachment and need and dependence on her.

Validation from our therapist

“I just want to tell you I got your emails, I had no electricity until last night, I guess I just want you to know I heard you, talk to you on Monday”

She heard us. That is so validating.
She sees us. She hears our words. She sees our desperation.
Thanks, Eileen.

i am brave

Our therapist eileen says i am brave. dr. barry says I am brave. why?

I am brave because I trusted them, I allowed them in.

I am brave because when it felt unsafe, I talked anyway.

I am brave because I have learned to let others in to my world.

I am brave…but yet I don’t feel it today.

Today I feel insecure and very vulnerable.

I need my therapist, I want to reach out, will I be brave and reach out to her?

I don’t know. Only time will tell.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/brave/

This is Allie

yesterday i had time with eileen in therapy. i had almost the whole session. i felt so safe and so happy it felt good to be able to have time with her. we talked about some memories i’d been remembering. she held my hands while we talked so that i wouldnt get pulled into the past. i like it when she holds my hands. i play with her jewelery and i was nervous so i kept switching hands and holding one first then the two of them ha. it was nice to just sit with her holding her hands. she asked me how i felt being able to just talk to her. i said i felt loved and seen and validated. how does that feel in your body? she asked. it felt like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. soft and warm and safe. she said i am really good at describing how i feel and how my body feels. she said some adults wouldnt be able to do that. that made me feel good to hear that. i did not think i was that good at describing things. but she said i am. the memories were hard to talk about. i cried a lot. got really upset. was shaking and sad and stuff. but i am glad i talked to her about them. cuz it did help me to feel better once I did talk. i hadnt slept on monday night at all cuz the memories were bothering me. so at the end of our time together yesterday eileen hugged me and told me to go inside and try to sleep. i asked her if i can bring her with me to sit by my bed. she said thats a great idea and she would come with me. we also talked about how eileen sees us when she talks to the kids. she said when she talks to one of us she pictures how we’d look and so she sees a child when she looks at us that she doesnt see the adult body. she asked me when i got upset if i knew we’d grown up. sometimes i do but sometimes i dont. we talked about being grown up and life now and now not being the same as back then when we were in dublin. she has to keep reminding me of that. sometimes i get all mixed up between what is now and what was then. im glad i got to spend time with her though. i needed to do that to feel better again.
allie

therapy session

i feel so good after therapy. makes a change. normally i am drained. and its not that we did not do hard work today, we did. but i feel good, and not at all exhausted afterwords.

I had all of todays session. that felt good too. its been a while since i’ve had a full session.

we talked first about college. i told eileen i’d been accepted onto the course and i was starting tomorrow. we talked for a little while about that. that led onto a convo about my strengths.

we talked about how during the abuse i threw myself into things like learning, and the performing arts. i was in stage school at the time. i did speech and drama, tap dancing, singing. we talked about how the year the abuse finally came out, I still ended up doing the xmas pantomime, and the abuse came out with two weeks to go to christmas. and i still ended up doing the show.

i also threw myself into learning. i studied and studied, did well in school, did well in all of my exams, despite being severely bullied and despite being sexually abused.
how does that even happen? eileen said dissociation was a valuable tool. i guess she’s right, it was. she said how some kids when they are being abuse cant concentrate, they cant learn, but i could.

i feel lucky i guess that i was able to dissociate. it meant i wasnt anxious. it meant i was able to go on. i was able to keep going, the abusers didnt break my spirit. the bullies didnt break me.

we went on to talk about parts and change. the darks were having difficulty with the concept of change. eileen wanted to hear from them as to why they felt they didnt want to change. she asked me to ask them so i did.

they said they were afraid of getting better. getting better equals losing support. she kept reassuring them she wasnt going anywhere. “i have no intentions of going anywhere, I’ll always be here for you, for as long as you need me”. I’m not leaving. it is always going to be your choice when therapy ends, your choice.

that was a shock to us. we have never had a choice in our treatment before.

well then, I guess your stuck with us, I said. And we both laughed.

we worked for a little while with a very young part. a 2 or 3 year old. she finds it hard to go in between sessions without contacting eileen. she is so attached to her and just needs her care constantly. eileen worked with her. and she was able to figure out that its all linked to our childhood.

when we were very young we lived with our dads family. all of who were alcoholics. when our mom had to go somewhere and wasnt able to bring us along, she’d leave us with our aunt, who was more interested in alcohol than in looking after us. so this little girl is associating memories of our aunt, and mixing them up with now and the present time.

We talked through it and it felt good to get it all out. I felt lighter afterwords.

Eileen asked me to try to not edit stuff that I say when I am with her. I said I’d try. I dont want to but sometimes its so automatic that I cant help it. I know she would never judge me, but I am so used to people being judgemental that it is what I gravitate towards.

I guess fear and abandonment and attachment issues played a huge part in the session today.