She’s home!

Eileen just emailed me. She’s home. She’s home and she’s ok and safe!
What a huge relief that is!
She forgot her phone though! She left it behind her left it in england, so she said she was waiting for it to arrive in the post!
I was like OMG! If I forgot my phone I’d die!
My phone is literally tied to me hahaha! I cant leave it out of my hand!
She’s home though! And she said she’s so proud of us for being able to manage our huge feelings. And we will see her on Monday, yay!
Strange how I emailed instead of texting, normally I’d have texted her. And then she wouldnt have got it as her phone is in england still! Strange how I thought to email instead! A coincidence or someone watching over me making sure I got in touch with her somehow!
Who knows, but I sure am glad I decided to email her!


Something to celebrate

I slept. I got through the night. Even though I was missing Eileen so much, I made it.
Doing a happy dance! 😀
This morning I am celebrating my achievements. I will celebrate with a cup of coffee and a big smile plastered across my face. Eileen will be so proud of me. I used my coping skills. I didn’t wallow. I didn’t give in. Instead I practiced self care. I was ok.
Counting my blessings, life is good!


Im incredibly sad tonight. I have a longing. A longing to have my therapists reassurance. I wish I could reach out to her. But its gone midnight. I cant reach out now. Its too late. She’s probably fast asleep. I could email her, but I’m not going to. I am going to try to manage the feelings. Try to cope. Use all the techniques she has taught me to cope. I miss her. That’s the long and short of it. I miss her and I am dissociating and feeling incredibly unstable right now. I wish I could just hear her say Carol anne, it will be ok, you’ll be ok. But, I am going to imagine her saying that to me. I will imagine her giving me a tight hug, imagine her calming voice. Imagine her steady breath, her steady heartbeat as I cuddle in close to her. I will imagine all that. And I will be ok. I can get through this hard night. I can do it. I just have to have a little faith in myself. In my abilitys. So on that note, I’ll say goodnight, go to bed, and before I sleep, I will listen to eileens guided imagery exercise that she recorded for me. Its ok, I’m ok.

Dr. Barry says I have made progress

So yesterday I saw dr. barry. We were discussing how its now been 1 year since Remy came over and did his assessment, met with myself, dr. barry and Eileen. Dr. Barry said she cant believe its been a year already!

I told Dr. barry that I don’t really feel I’ve made any progress in the last year. Of course she disagreed! She said I have made plenty of progress! I told her I think Eileen would say the same, but that I don’t see it!

So then we talked a little about the progress I’ve made.

She said she feels I now know my limitations, and am able to balance things, and am able to know when I need to say no, step back, or when I have too much on, or people are asking too much of me!

Where as before I’d overextend myself, and then that would lead to a crisis, she feels now that I am much more aware, and am in crisis far less due to that!

She also said that I’ve been out of hospital almost a year now, and how that’s so positive!

She also said I have navigated times of very high stress, and huge triggers very well this past year! I guess that’s true, I sorta have!

I told her how I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, and how that sorta frustrates me! She said that that’s the nature of healing! And I know she’s right!

She said she’s going to email or call Eileen soon. She hasn’t contacted her in a while now, and when we had that assessment last year they had planned to be in touch more regularly.

Im happy that she feels I am making progress! Just hearing her say that made me feel good!

Having her validation means a lot!

I know a lot can happen in a year. I guess, on thinking about it, I can see the huge progress I’ve made.

Just staying out of hospital for a whole year, now that’s positive!

I hope next year I will keep progressing! Eileen and I are going to fill out some paperwork for Remy when she comes back, he’s going to reassess things now, where their at, and make some more recommendations on where we should go from here.

Old poetry

gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
nothing works
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
screaming silently
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?

Despite no therapy, I’m feeling stable

So we had no therapy today as Eileen is out of town.

Despite this, we’re stable. I think all the sleep yesterday did us some good!

The kids are missing her, but I’ve promised them that they can do something fun this evening, like, for example watch a movie, so that is helping some.

It feels weird not to have had therapy today. Seems odd. Our Monday is just not the same.

I am thinking of Eileen a lot today too. Wondering what she’s learning that she will teach us or show us when she returns. Its all very exciting.

I think I am going to finish off my book tonight too and begin a new one. I have 45 minutes of the true crime book I am reading left to finish it. I will do that soon so I can leave a review for the author, and also review it on my book review blog.

I hope your all having a fab Monday, it feels good to be feeling stable, for a change! Just saying.