SO I WAS A TRIGGERED MESS IN THERAPY TODAY!

YES I WAS! AN ANXIOUS, TRIGGERED, DISSOCIATIVE MESS. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT! EILEEN WAS GREAT! SHE REALLY HELPED US TO GET THROUGH IT. SHE HELD US, WHICH FELT SO GOOD, AND WAS SO CONTAINING, SHE CAME AND SAT BY ME, HELD ME WITH HER HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF MY BACK AND SHOULDERS, IT WAS SO, SO SOOTHEING! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT I FELT SO LOVED, SO SUPPORTED, SO SAFE. IT REALLY FELT GOOD, INTENSE, BUT ALSO GOOD TOO.
WE FOUND A LITTLE ONE, ABOUT 8 OR 9, WHO WAS REALLY TRIGGERED, SHE WAS HAVING MEMORIES OF BEING IN DUBLIN, IN THE BORDING SCHOOL, SHE HOLDS A MEMORY OF WHEN WE HAD OUR NOSE BROKEN BY ANOTHER PUPIL, BASICALLY SHE HOLDS THE MEMORY OF BEING LEFT FOR DAYS WITHOUT TREATMENT, AND FEELING HORRIBLE AND UNCARED ABOUT, INVALIDATED AND UNIMPORTANT.
SO EILEEN HAD ME WORK A LITTLE WITH THE PULSERS, AND I HELPED HER BY MAKING HER A BEDROOM INSIDE, AND WE PUT HER IN THERE TO REST. RIGHT NOW SHE’S PETRIFIED, TERRIFIED AND VERY FEARFUL AND SCARED OF EVERYTHING, I AM SURE IN TIME THAT WILL CHANGE, BUT FOR NOW, SHE NEEDS TO REST. WE MANAGED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE PAST, OUT OF THE MEMORY AND OUT OF DUBLIN, AND NOW SHE’S IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER, CARED ABOUT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE’S SAFE AND OK.
SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP TOO FOR ME. I GOT FRUSTRATED AT BEING TRIGGERED, AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS, I THINK IT WAS MORE SOME OF THE OTHER TEENS THAN ME, BUT I WAS THE ONE HAVING THE SESSION SO IT MANIFESTED ITSELF IN ME BECOMING ANGRY, AND IMPATIENT, AND EILEEN REMINDING ME THAT ACTUALLY OUR FEELINGS ARE WHAT LET US KNOW WE’RE ALIVE, AND ITS OK TO FEEL THEM. ITS OK IF I AM A MESS, SHE’S HERE, NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHE IS HERE SUPPORTING ME THROUGH IT. THANK GOD FOR HER!
BUT YEAH, FELT WEIRD, I FELT SO ANXIOUS AT THE START, THEN WHEN EILEEN HELD ME SHE CONTAINED IT A LITTLE, BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, WHEN SHE TOOK HER HANDS AWAY TO GO GET THE PULSERS, I STARTED PANICKING AGAIN, LIKE, I NEEDED HER TO BE THERE TO CONTAIN MY ANXIETY AND FEAR.
SHE NEVER TAKES HER HANDS AWAY WITHOUT WARNING ME SHE’S ABOUT TO DO THAT. SO WHEN I STARTED PANICKING, SHE HAD ME TALK TO HER AND SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME WHILE SHE WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THAT HELPED A LITTLE. THEN SHE CAME BACK AND REPOSITIONED HER HANDS AROUND ME AGAIN, AND I FELT OK. WEIRD HOW IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT THOUGH.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION, BUT NOW I AM DRAINED, I FEEL SO TIRED, THINK I’LL GO READ, AND REST FOR A WHILE.
LIZ

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Anxious about therapy

have therapy in an hour. dont want to go.

feel so anxious about it. not sure what will come up today. dont want to find out.

just wish I could skp it altogether. Not wanting to face it. feel so overwhelmed. I’ll probably end up a sobbing mess on eileen. She’ll have to pick me up off the floor and I’ll be a crying dissociative mess.

insiders feel panicky and scared.

this is not good! Not good!

Ug I wanna run! Thats what I am hearing from inside!

Ug sigh!

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FAILURE AT THERAPY?

IM SO SO WORRIED WHAT IF WE’RE FAILING THERAPY? WHAT IF EILEENS WANTS US GONE? WHAT IF SHE THINKS WE’RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH? OR SHES MAD AT US NOW CUZ WE NEVER TOLD HER HOW BAD IT WAS, FOR WEEKS? AND THEN YESTERDAY SHE SAID WOULD YOU HAVE TOLD ME? IF I DIDNT PRESS IT? AND LIZ SAID SHE WOULD HAVE, BUT OMG I DONT WANT TO FAIL! I DONT WANT TO HAV HER BE MAD AT ME!
OMG I CANT STAND THINKING BOUT IT. IT MAKES ME SO NERVOUS. I JUST EMAILED HER TO ASK HER. I HOPE SHE RESPONDS TO THAT!
PIXIE

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DIDNT WANNA DISAPPOINT HER

ITS LIZ. TODAY IN THERAPY I WAS CHATTING TO EILEEN. SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE COME TO HER WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON. IF SHE HADNT STOPPED US FROM PROCEEDING, AND TACKLED IT HEAD ON, WOULD I HAVE COME TO HER MYSELF AND TOLD HER WE’RE STRUGGLING WITH BEING TRIGGERED? I SAID HONESTLY? I DONT KNOW. I WANT TO THINK I WOULD, AND MY PLAN WAS TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. BUT THE MAIN REASON I WAS BEING STUBBORN, THINKING I CAN HANDLE THIS IS MYSELF THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. SHE TOLD ME TODAY THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT FROM HER, AND SHE WENT OVER AGAIN HOW THIS IS THE WORK, ITS NOT LINEAR, AND THE NATURE OF THE WORK IS DOING A LITTLE, THEN PULLING IT BACK, PUTTING ON THE BREAKS AGAIN ETC. I GUESS SHE’S RIGHT. I’VE BEEN THINKING WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO PROTECT HER? SHE’S A BIG GIRL SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF, I KNOW THAT, SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR HER? I NEEDED THE HELP, I NEEDED HER INPUT, SO I AM GLAD SHE DIDNT RUN WITH THE FIRST THING WE TOLD HER TODAY. I AM GLAD SHE HAD THE INSIGHT TO KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO IT THAN WHAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY SAYING.
LIZ

taylor i feel scared

it taylor. i fel sad. i scard. i no like nite time.
my hart is hurtin. is pounding. no like that. fels bad.
i got tok to eileen today. i like tok to her. it good.
we tok bout the growned ups cuz thay werent ther today
i brot us to therpy
but eileen says i shudnt do dat cuz im only six
so she said shed find the growned ups wif me
and she did
i bringed her insid wif me
and we found liz and jade
and dat was gud then cuz i was able to go inside then
to my room and not worry bout them all
eileen said she was sorry i dint getta be a kid
a litle girl like i shoulda been
she said that wasnt fair
i gess it wasnt
tonite i feling sad about remebering things
not like memories
i snuggle nitro
hes fluffy and warm
yay love him lots
taylor six

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Finding internal balance and a sense of self,todays therapy session

therapy today was good. but intense. we went in with plans, plans to try to figure out some stuff. we talked to eileen about triggers, and about how we keep being triggered, the adults in the system keep being triggered, and then we’re gone, and the kids are taking over, running the show. eileen was very concerned. she said we cant have six year olds running things, and i know this is true, we cant. today taylor took us to the session, because we were stressed out this morning, and got triggered, and she took over, and the way it is, if the kids take over, there is a kinda wall that goes up, that blocks the adults and kids from communicating, and so we cant get to them and they cant get to us, so we are unable to come out then and do what we need to do to get us there safely. Lucky this morning, the taxi driver knew us, and he was able to bring us to eileens office, drop us off, and so we got there safely. I felt so bad for taylor, she was very scared. So we worked on things we worked on trying to get some of the adults on board, trying to get them to have better internal communication. we talked about the fact that memories have been hitting us really hard, eileen said for now, its time to put the breaks on again. we’ve been working a lot with the teens lately and with some of ems insiders, and she said that is stirring up too much for us right now, so she said we need to put the breaks on, and find a sense of balance again, a sense of stability, a sense of internal stability, she said for now we are going to work on managing triggers, managing becoming triggered, managing emotions, and finding that sense of internal safety, so that when we’re home, we can be safe, and less triggered, and the adults can be out more, eileen said we have the capability to manage, she’s seen us do it, and so she said she knows we can. I know it too, sometimes I just feel lost, unable to cope, overwhelmed etc. I am glad we talked it through today, it really helped a lot to be able to have a good chat about it all. We worked on breathing exercises, she is teaching Jade how to breathe deeply, so we can ground ourselves, when we need to do that. We all find it hard to breathe deeply, but Jade is good at it. So she’s in charge of practicing it for the next week. She also walked us around her office, to ground us. She does this a lot. It helps us feel connected to her and more grounded. When we came to her bookshelves, she started reading out all the names of her books, man she has a ton of trauma related books, EMDR related books, books on all aspects of therapy really. It was nice to hear the names of them and we got some book recommendations. Eileen told us she’s passionate about keeping up to date on the new research available about trauma survivors, about related therapy issues etc. She also told us today that she lost her dog, buttons. Buttons was a yorkshire terrior. She said they lost her over christmas. She was 16. I was sad to hear this as I knew her. I had patted her a few times over the years, and she was a sweet dog. I was glad Eileen told me that she had died. So it was a good session today. We have a lot to think about now after it.

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Missy and Clara have a therapy session

We went back to therapy today. That went well. We worked on some stuff, mainly working with some of the teens. Missy whose 14 and Clara whose 15 both had time with eileen. I went in feeling ok, then all of a sudden I got very unsettled. I felt parts want to run, run away out of eileens office. I also felt parts being irritated, as some of the littles were crying, some of the teens were calling them babies, whiners, etc. It was not good. Eileen asked the teens to talk to her, at first none of them would. She said she wanted to speak with one or some of them. Eventually Missy came forward. They worked for a while with the feelings of irritation that she and other teens had. She kept saying that why are the kids whining, when the things they are crying about, we cant fix. We cant do anything about them. For example, being afraid of the dark, it gets dark every night, and whether your afraid of it or not, it still gets dark. That was her point. Eileen said that probably the kids were experiencing a memory, and this turned out to be true. but it wasnt just the littles. Missy said that she too felt memories surfacing at night. She said that she remembered being in Dublin, in the bording school, being in bed, and waiting for the inevitable to happen, waiting to get hurt. To be taken out of bed, and taken to the rituals, to be abused. She started to cry then. Eileen was so gentle with her, she gently soothed her and spoke calmly and softly to her. Telling her she was ok, and together they’d work on this and on the feelings this memory evoked for missy. They then got out the pulsers and did some EMDR, working on the memory. Missy found that hard. But she didnt object, she did it and I am very proud of her for that. Clara came and stood by Missy, Clara is 15 and Missys friend, Clara has spoken in therapy before, but today she felt very scared and she felt afraid to talk. When Missy started to open up, Clara tried to shut her down. She didnt want to talk. She wanted to keep everything to herself. She was fearful of what would happen if she spoke up. Eileen talked to Missy and her for a while longer. Eventually her fear lessened and she was able to talk. They then encorporated the sleep issues we’ve been having into the session too. Eileen asked Missy what belief she had about herself in the memory. Missy said she felt she was unable to control the situation, she felt trapped, and very unsafe, she felt like she was dying, and never going to get out. And when Eileen asked her what belief she’d like to have about herself in the present, she said she’d like to be able to go to sleep at night, feel safe going to sleep, feel like its safe to go to bed and go to sleep. So together they worked on that. Working to lessen missys distress withthe memory, working to bring her and Clara back into the here and now, into the present again, Eileen had them think of things they like to do now, in our life now. MIssy said she likes to watch greys anatomy on netflicks, and listen to music on spotify, so Eileen had her visualise doing that, and that seemed to work somewhat. We also worked with our body, Eileen said that Missy is holding the fear of being in her bed, waiting, and fearful, and holding that amount of fear in your body can cause all sorts of problems, when she let that go today during the session, a huge weight felt like it was lifted, but then we felt extremely tired, and drained. Eileen said we’d probably feel like that for a day or two, as we’d held this for years, she said to rest up, and let ourselves do minimal activities. So that is what we did. We rested for the afternoon when we came home. Now its late, we are up, but we feel less tired, and have more energy. I’m glad Missy got to talk. She needed it. We’re still working on the anger about the kids whining and crying, the teens are still irritated about that, but we’re working with them on it. I’m sure they’ll be less irritated in time, they are scared too, but just show it in a different way.

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