Its that time of year again, vacation time for eileen and dr. barry

so eileen will be going on vacation in two weeks time. for two weeks.

we’re trying to prepare ourselves. we had a chat about it in our session today. we talked about how the kids are triggered, not just because she is going away and we wont see her for two weeks, and thats a long time for them, but also because it triggers them back to a time when they felt abandoned and like everyone leaves them.

She got it and understood. She said she’d help us make a calendar again like we did last year. A calendar to count off the days.

She also said we should look at the weeks she’s away and schedule some fun activities in for those weeks. We are going to try to do that.

Dr. barry is also on vacation for one of the weeks so her vacation and eileens overlap for a week. That part is hard as both of our support systems are away. but we’ll manage, we’ll get through. I know we can.

I’m nervous and apprehensive. But I always am when vacation rolls around. I anticipate things being awful for us but maybe they wont be. If we prepare then maybe they’ll be ok. I’m kinda counting on it.

carol anne

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therapy-Body reactions

IN THERAPY TODAY A LOT CAME UP. EMILY STARTED OFF THE SESSION. SHE TALKED A LITTLE TO EILEEN ABOUT THE WEEKN, ABOUT TIME LOSS, ABOUT THE SYSTEM, ABOUT WHO WAS STRUGGLING ETC. THAT WENT WELL. THEN SHE TOLD EILEEN HOW WE ARENT SLEEPING AT NIGHT. BECAUSE WE ARE TOO SCARED. THE KIDS ARE AFRAID OF THE DARK. THE DARKS HAVE BEEN HAVING MEMORIES, THERE WAS SUMMER SOLSTACE, THAT WAS HARD FOR US. EILEEN LISTENED. THEN SHE SAID SHE’D LIKE TO HAVE A CONFERENCE WITH ALL OF THE ADULTS. SHE FIRST TALKED A LITTLE TO THE KIDS, THOUGH. SHE TOLD THEM ALL TO GO INTO THE SAFE ROOM INSIDE, AND TO EITHER PLAY, OR SLEEP, OR SOMETHING, BUT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO TALK TO THE ADULTS AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT A FEW THINGS. THEY WERE ALL OK WITH THAT. SO SHE HAD US ALL GO TO OUR CONFERENCE ROOM INSIDE. AND WE HELD A SORT OF MEETING. HOWEVER THAT DIDNT LAST TOO LONG. WE TALKED FOR A LITTLE WHILE, AND THEN SHE BROUGHT OUT THE PULSERS. SHE SAID WE WERE GOING TO TRY AN EXERCISE. SO SHE HAD US THINK OF A TIME WHERE WE WERE AT OUR BEST. STABLE. MENTALLY WELL. THRIVING. SIMPLY PUT, AT OUR BEST MENTALLY. SHE HAD US THINK OF IT WHILE HOLDING TH E VIBRATING PULSERS. BUT SOME OF THE DARKS KEPT BLOCKING IT. THEY WOULDNT ALLOW US TO BRING IT UP. EILEEN GOT CURIOUS AND ASKED WHY, WHAT WAS THREATENING THEM. WHY DID THEY FEEL THEY COULDNT ALLOW US TO BRING UP THOSE FEELINGS? EVENTUALLY ONE OF THEM TOLD HER THAT THEY WERE FEELING INVALIDATED, AND LIKE THIS EMDR SHE WAS HAVING US DO WAS OF NO RELEVANCE RIGHT NOW. SHE STARTED TALKING TO US THEN ABOUT TRAUMA, AND THE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND HOW WHAT WE ARE STRUGGLING WITH NOW IS ALL PART OF OUR WHOLE OVERALL REALITY. EXCEPT HALF WAY THROUGH I COULDNT HEAR HER ANY MORE. I FELT FAR AWAY. I FELT CUT OFF. I FELT LIKE SHE WAS GETTING FURTHER AND FURTHER FROM ME. I FELT SO WEIRD. I STARTED SHAKING, BAD. IT WAS REALLY BAD. I HUGGED THE PILLOW I WAS HOLDING TO ME. EILEEN NOTICED. SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK. I TOLD HE R NO. I WAS STILL HOLDING THE PULSERS, MY BODY WAS GOING INTO SPASM. I WAS AFRAID THAT IF I LET THE PULSERS GO I’D COLLAPSE. THE VIBRATION OF THEM IN MY HANDS WAS KINDA SOOTHEING ME A LITTLE BIT. I WAS ALSO AFRAID THAT IF I LET THE PILLOW GO SOMETHING REALLY BAD WOULD HAPPEN TO ME. EILEEN WAS REALLY KIND. SHE SAT NEXT TO ME AND STROKED MY HAND, YOUR OK, YOUR OK, SHE SAID. ITS JUST YOUR FREEZE RESPONSE LETTING GO, SOMETHING I SAID OBVIOUSLY REALLY TRIGGERED A RESPONSE IN YOU. ITS OK, THOUGH. YOUR BODY CAN HANDLE THIS. YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM IS REALINING. THATS ALL IT IS THAT IS HAPPENING. I GOT WORSE AND WORSE. MY WHOLE BODY WAS TREMBLING. I COULDNT BREATHE. I COULDNT TALK. ALL I COULD DO WAS SOB. I WANTED TO CURL UP IN A BALL, WELL SOMEONE INSIDE DID, I COULD FEEL IT. SOMEONE ELSE WANTED TO RUN BEHIND OUR CHAIR AND HIDE. WE TOLD EILEEN THIS. SHE OFFERED COMFORT TO US. SHE HELD OUR HAND AS WE SAT THERE STRUGGLING. SHE KEPT SAYING I’VE GOT THIS. YOUR OK. I’M HERE. I CANT HANDLE IT. I WONT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU. I’M HERE, SUPPORTING YOU. I HAVE NEVER FELT SUCH A PHYSICAL BODILY REACTION. IT WAS JUST PURE HELL. EVENTUALLY IT DID CALM DOWN THOUGH. AND WE WERE ABLE TO GO ON WITH OUR SESSION. AT THE END OF IT EILEEN SAID WE DID SUPER WORK TODAY. AND THAT A WHOLE LOT HAD COME OUT OF TRYING TO BRING UP A GOOD MEMORY. I AGREED, IT HAD. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT DOING THAT EXERCISE WOULD BRING ON SO MUCH BODILY REACTIONS. EILEEN JUST KEPT TELLING ME IT WAS THE TRAUMATIC STUFF RELEASING FROM MY BODY. THEN SHE COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY POETRY AND HER WRITING. SHE SAID SHE REALLY GOT IT. REALLY GOT WHAT LIZ WAS SAYING, FELT HER FRUSTRATION ABOUT SHIRLEY OUR HOST NOT ACCEPTING HER OR ANY OF US. WE CAME HOME AND FELL INTO BED. FELL ASLEEP FOR HOURS. WE WERE DRAINED. I’M SO GLAD WE HAD THE SESSION THOUGH. IT REALLY DID HELP EVEN IF MY BODY FELT WEIRD FOR HOURS AFTER IT.
LIZ

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to our therapist…

Parts of me have fallen

While others still stand

Pieces of me are shattered

Will you still hold my hand

Fragment after fragment

Comes to show its pain

And all I am wondering

Is what you have to gain

You made a promise

To be here for me its true

But I never could believe it

Not through and through

Shattered parts of me

Do not know how to trust

And they live daily

Only to do what they must

Your words are like a rope

Holding me from falling

But their voices cut deep

Distrust they keep calling

I am stuck in the middle

Between them and you

Afraid to take a step forward

So for now Im stuck in glue

Help me if you can

Relieve this torture Im in

Rescue me from myself

So that true healing can begin

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me wana be read to by eileen tomoro

i realy wan eileen to read ar new book to me
so i h ope tha bigs takes it wif us tomorow
mabe i can remind them of it
they keep forgeting
and then it no hapen
that make me so sad
i lik it wen eileen reads to us kids
it makes me fel safe
saf is gud rite?
i glad we gots such a nise therapist
she cuddles us and reads to us
i lik that
adelle i 4

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LIZ DESCRIBING MY EMOTIONS

ITS LIZ. I AM REALLY NOT OK. IM NOT COPING.
MY GOOD FRIEND DEB MADE ME A LIST OF WORDS THAT SHE SAID MIGHT DESCRIBE HOW I AM FEELING…THANKS DEB, IT REALLY HELPED!
SO HERE I GO, I WILL ATTEMPT TO DESCRIBE MY EMOTIONS AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW…

I FEEL CRAZY, IRRITATED, ANNOYED, UNLOVED, CROSS, ANGRY, PISSY, OVERWHELMED, FURIOUS, UNHAPPY, GUILTY, ASHAMED, JEALOUS, INSECURE, UNMOTIVATED, SAD, FRUSTRATED.

IS THAT ENOUGH?ENOUGH THAT YOU NOW REALISE I AM A HOT MESS?
WELL I AM! DAMN!
LIZ

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she makes me happy

it is allie. eileen makes me so happy. i love her gentle voice. i love her calming presence. i love her for a lot of reasons. today we forgot to bring our new book. lexi emailed her earlier to tell her. i know liz needed to talk today so we wouldnt have gotten a chance to read the book even if we’d brought it. its ok. we can read it maybe next week. i think it will be a good book, its called wherever you are, my love will find you. that is what i think about eileen. even when we’re apart, i know she loves me. i know she’s thinking of me. i know because shes told me before. she says she thinks about us during the week. she has told me that when certain things happen in her life, she thinks about us. thats so special. it makes me feel so good. i love her so much. i dont care if its wrong to love a therapist, i just do and i dont care if i shouldnt. she is like a mom to me and that is why i call her my heart mom. she is my safety. she teaches me things. she has taught me lots. she never lets me down. she always tells the truth. i love her for that. i dont like being lied to and she never ever lies to me. right now i feel so lucky that she came into our lives. i feel like hugging carol anne and saying thanks carol anne for searching for as long as you did and finding us such a great therapist. it is the best thing that could have happened to us.
allie, age 9

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HARD SESSION TODAY

TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
LIZ

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