avoiding the hard stuff in therapy

this weeks been very hard. having no therapy session wasnt good.
but if i am honest, i was happy in a way. why? because i didnt want to face the hard stuff. i wanted to run away and hide from it.
eileen sent me a text on tuesday. she said she’d recieved some emails and did i want to talk. i called her back and we did talk. but she was a little bit upset with us.
she said we are pushing her away. and then sending emails to tell her things after we’ve been distant with her and what is that about?
she challenged me and i was so uncomfortable. i said i didnt expect a response. that i didnt know why we’d sent them really.
she said its like we’re setting her up. because when she gets the distressing emails, what is she to do with them? since we’ve made an arrangement that she doesnt respond to emails outside of session unless its an emergency.
the fact that we werent in session this week, she said she couldnt gage how we were and what was going on for us.
so yeah. we had a frank discussion and she said its very important to talk this through on monday during the session.
I’m nervous. I hate it when we fight. We’re not really fighring but it feels uncomfortable. It feels like she’s mad at us but she said she isnt.

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Daily prompt:suspicious

i am afraid
afraid to let anyone in
afraid of closeness
afraid of people
afraid to trust
if i must trust
it takes me forever
i am suspicious of everyone
and with good reason
i’ve had my fare share of hurt and pain
in my past
and it lingers
old habits die hard
wounds run deep
and i keep
it hidden well
because if i tell
i’m suspicious and afraid
that some day
someone will hurt me again
and this time
there will be no coming back from that place of hurt

mommy

mommy
i love you
but why dont you love me?
mommy
why dont you see me?
mommy
when i cry
you never comfort me?
mommy
when i have a hard day
and I need you
Your not here for me?
mommy
when i’m sad, or mad
you dont hold me?
do you hate me?
am I an inconvenience?
a burden?
do you wish I wasnt part of shirley?
im sorry
I didnt mean to make you mad
please dont be mad at me
I didnt mean to make you angry at me
im sorry?
just love me?
allie

i’m not her kid

the other day we was with dr. barry. and carol anne asked her about her kids.
i wish she didnt do that. i’m so jealous of her kids.
i want to be her kid. i want to live with her.
before anyone jumps all over me and says how i cant live with my psychiatrist, i already know that. so dont bother saying it.
dr. barry knows i want her to adopt me. she knows i struggle with that.
anyway carol anne asked her how the kids were. and she started talking about them. they are 5 and 7. her two kids. two boys.
you can really tell she loves her kids. i wish someone loved me like that.
i wish i could be seen by my mom, but that will never happen.
i know dr. barry and eileen see me though. i’m happy about that.
but just the mention of dr. barrys kids brought tears to my eyes.
i just really really want to live with her. it hurts that i cant.
allie

evening ramble

well I feel worn out. but somehow I doubt i’ll sleep tonight. I just have this feeling I wont. did you ever get a feeling that no matter what happens your not going to sleep? of course I’ve had a couple cups of coffee too so…yeah. not good but I cant do without my coffee. volunteering went super today. the supervisor for the friendly call service said I did really well. it made me feel really proud and good about myself when she said that. tomorrow I will see dr. barry. its 2 weeks since I’ve seen her. it feels so long. i’m still getting used to bi weekly appointments. its so hard to get used to them after 5 years of weekly apts. for those of you who at new to my blog, dr. barry is our psychiatrist. she’s been our psychiatrist since November 2013. she’s wonderful. we’re very attached to her. the weather is getting really bad outside. I just came in from letting nitro out. I heard on the news that we’re supposed to get a storm tonight. storm georgina. just what we needed right? we’ve had about four storms, big ones, since last year. they said there would be a lot of heavy rain and high winds. i’ll be warm and cosy inside though so that’s good. well that’s about it for now guys. leave me a comment in the comments box to tell me what your up to this evening.
catch you laters! 🙂
xox

carol anne

Processing a nightmare

today in therapy we talked about the recent nightmares we’ve been having. i spoke with eileen about one particularly troublesome nightmare. its a nightmare where one of our past abusers chases us with a knife, and threatens to kill us. eileen asked me if i wanted to work with the pulsers and try to process the nightmare which is also a part memory because its a senario that did happen to us on many occasions. so i said i wanted to do it. it was very hard and i dissociated a lot at the beginning. but every time i dissociated eileen was able to stop what we were doing and bring me back out of it. at one point she had me stand up and feel the sun on my face, feel some things that were in her office, familiar objects to me. anyway getting back to the nightmare. she asked me on a scale of 1-7 how disturbing was it? at the start of the session it was ata 7. she asked me to bring up the picture of my abuser chasing me and tell her how it made me feel, what was in the image that came up, how my body was reacting to it etc. it was very intense. but i did it and i was able to describe to her in detail how it made me feel. we processed it a little more for a while. then every so often she’d check in with me and ask me on a scale of 1-7 with 7 being the most disturbing how was i doing and how disturbing was the dream now. we focused a lot on the memory in the nightmare. and then we made a new ending. she asked me how the dream ended. at first when i remembered the nightmare and when she asked me how it made me feel, what was the belief about myself i said i felt trapped, and like i couldnt break free. by the end i didnt feel that way any more. we made a new ending where i ran away from my abuser. and of course liz said she wanted to hurt him and eileen said she could, she could defend herself now from him. we talked about some parts being fearful of the pulsers and the processing and eileen kept reassuring them that she had no agenda and that they were all welcome and that she was just aiding us to process a memory that we were not going into it but that we were just working at trying to resolve it. she kept saying that if we resolve it that the nightmare will stop reoccuring. i am glad we did that piece of work today. i feel a lot better after it, i have a lot more clarity and i feel less anxious and fearful. its hard work though. i do feel very tired after the session. eileen said hopefully i’ll sleep well tonight. i think i will.
carol anne

Allie

mommy
do you love me?
see me?
can you hold me?
oh, I forgot
You never see me
You don’t notice me
You only see a grown up body
open your eyes
see me mommy
please see me
I beg you
I am here, I am just a kid
9 years old
frightened and feeling so alone
I need your love
I need a hug sometimes
Patience, kindness
I need you so much
but your never there
so…
I look elsewhere
For a mother figure
look to my therapist
and psychiatrist
to give me what you cant
people may think its weird
but everyone needs a mom, right?

allie age 9