its emily. i just got back from our apt with dr. barry. i got to talk to her today. that was nice. i really love talking to her.
i told her how difficult the last few days have been for me and my insiders. i told her about lisa, and how last week she’d been so suicidal and how eileen helped us through that.
we talked about symptoms and therapy in general. we also talked a little about our memories. and about how some insiders cant accept that people would love them and how they find it difficult to accept that they are more than their trauma.
Dr. Barry was very sympathetic. She said its difficult for the insiders. They have a lot to cope with every day. They go through a lot of ver conflicting feelings about so many things.
It was a good conversation. I felt that Dr. Barry really understood us. She does anyway, but today I just felt she was really getting it, really getting how hard things can be for us.
She said despite all that we’re doing amazingly well. She told me she’s proud of us for continuing to cope despite all the difficulties we are having.
I’m glad I got to talk to her today. It felt so good to just be able to tell her things. I felt understood and validated.
its me emmy im 8
im aprils best frend
you know today you said you love us and care about us? and when you hear we been hurt and how much it makes you care more?
well i need to ask you if you only love us cuz of our abuse? or if you’d love us even if we hadnt been abused?
it makes me mad when people only love us cuz we been hurt?
i want you to love me for me and us for us and not just cuz we got hurt
will you? does that makes sense?
will you love us just cuz like does there have to be a reason or you can just love us cuz you think we’re cool?
like i dont only love you cuz your our therapist, i love you cuz your funny, and nice to emily, and nice to april and nice to everyone of us that you meet?
and your smart and we learn stuff from you and i like that and love you for teaching us?
so please please just love us for other stuff and not cuz of the abuse?
its me Emily. we had therapy this morning. I came out and talked a lot during our session. and Eileen teached me something. its an EMDR exercise. you see, I always sign my emails butterfly hugs, loves you, actually I sign everything I write in that way. its my trademark ha ha. so Eileen ask me if i’d like to learn something that I can use to calm myself. I said I would. so we learned all about the butterfly hug and you can give yourself a butterfly hug any time. its where you make the shape of a butterfly with your hands, and then you put your hands on your shoulders, well near them, not actually on them. and you tap with first one hand then the other, you do it as if you were using th e pulsers, except there is no vibrating. just tapping. and you tap and bring up feelings as you do it. so Eileen was asking me how I felt being there in her office. I was telling her I was feeling really safe, and glad to be there, glad to be with her. I told her I feel all warm inside, she asked me where, in what part of my body I felt it. I told her my chest and tummy areas mostly. so she had me bring those good feelings up as I tapped on my shoulders with my hands. and it calmed me, it really worked. I felt so so calm. it was like magic! I was so glad I learned it. and Eileen said isn’t it cool how I always sign my emails butterfly hugs and then there really is such a thing in EMDR. I think that’s so cool too. I never even knew that before I started signing that. The rest of the time we talked about my system. And my insiders. And about our week. It was nice. And I just felt really calm during all that. It felt so good. Im glad I talked today. I had a good time and the time went by way too quickly. We brought in our photo album of our trip to Disneyworld in florida with our partner Jess. That was back in 2008, we also went in 2009, but this photo album was from 2008. We didn’t have time to actually go through all of the photos so I left it with Eileen until next week, we are going to spend some time going through it then. I wanted Eileen to see how happy we were in Disneyworld, its a safe place for us, we always bring up images of that when we do visualisation. Its just somewhere where we felt peaceful and safe. I really enjoyed our session today. Some of my insiders did some work too today but I’ll let them write their own posts if they want to do that.
Emily, age 12
Side by side
She listens, she validates
I cry, and shake
I get sucked in to memories
She brings me back
Every so gently
She holds my hand
Rubs my shoulder
Gently she tells me
I am ok
I am strong
I can do this
I take in her words
I try to believe her
Sometimes I cant
I want to, though
I really, really want to believe her words
She is my safety
In her I fully trust
She makes my bad days good
And allows me to feel all of my feelings
Without telling me
You cant feel this or that
I am so thankful
To have found such an incredible therapist
Its Carol anne. So I know Taylor posted about her chat she had with dr. barry earlier. I also chatted with her. It was a great conversation. As it always is. We talked about a lot.
I told her I’d had it out with our friend who overdosed. I told her liz got angry and actually had it out with her, but then she was pissed off and so she went back inside and left me to pick up the pieces of that conversation. Which I did. And it turned out ok in the end. Dr. Barry was glad we were still friends. She said it was a good thing we talked it out. She asked me if I was willing to go on my friends contact list, in the future, if that is what was decided to do. I said I’d think about it. I am ok with it, but I do want some time to think it over before committing to it.
We talked about sleep. I told her Eileen said she is going to work on our sleep next week all going well. If nothing else pops up that we have to work on then we are going to do some work on getting our sleep schedule back on track. Dr. barry thought that was a good idea. She said we’d leave the meds alone for now then, and try first to work on sleep without pharmasutical input. I agreed. I’d rather not have to take meds for sleep if I can help it. I did tell her though that this month the pharmacy forgot to give me my prazosin. She told me to ring them and get it as that was helping with my sleep, it helped with the quality of sleep I was getting. I said I would do that.
We talked about her training, next week she has to go on training, she said every two years they have to do it, its mandetory. She also told me she is taking thursday and fridays off for the month of September. She said that its not for health reasons, she knows I worry about her and so she wanted to put me at ease, so she told me not to worry that she’s ok, and she just needs to do this for this month but come october she’ll be back to normal again and back full time.
I will see her again in two weeks. I do need to go up to clinic next week though, I have to get my injection, my trevicta injection and I will also see Mark my OT. It will be kinda weird to go up there and not see dr. barry. I thought we had a really great apt though and was pleased with the way it went.
gess wat guys
dis morig i talk wif dr. barry
that was good
shes so nice to me
i love her so much shes the best dr.
we talk about therapy
and i telled her eileen and me talked on monday
and how dat eileen said to me
if carol anne closes her bedroom door at nite
that i shuld knock on it if i need her
cuz a closed door
means dat someone is takin time for themselves
and eileen says its a boundry
and it important to folo them
dr. barry ask me if i understand
i said yes but i fink it stupid
who need them anyway
dr. barry was laughing at me
but not bein mean
she was just finkin i was funy
i tell her about be skard of the dark at nite
that i fraid to sleep cuz im skard
she ask me if i worked wif eileen on that
i said not yet
but we will soon i fink
she said dat mite be good idea
it was a gud chat
i like to tok to dr. barry
she make me feel safe
plus shes just so nice
and very kind
i was tell her to that i blog
she said she didnt kno dat
she fink only carol anne and liz do it
but i tell her no we all do it
and i told her i do email to
cuz i have the email grup that im in
for people wif did
and i tok to peple on that
she said it was good that i hav that
so yeah we had a good chat
love yu al
taylor age 6
This month we’re celebrating six years with eileen. Wow! Feels like we’ve been seeing her forever!
I remember that first session with her, I remember walking in, and meeting eileen for the first time. We’d previously spoken on the phone, and emailed, but meeting her that first time, I honestly wasnt sure I’d stick it out.
I’m so glad I did though. Therapy has taught me so much about myself selves. It has given me so much food for thought. I have learned so much about us as a system, I have learned what a secure attachment to someone feels like, most importantly of all I have learned what safety is, and how to trust. I have also learned that when she leaves she’s not gone, she’ll be back again.
I love our therapist, she is one of the most amazing people. I love her warmth, kindness, passion for her job, her caring nature, I just love everything about her.
Heres to six long years of ups and downs, hard work, fun, happiness and sadness, most of all six years of learning, and healing.