Eileens so good to us

Eileen is so amazing. She has been so supportive to us while we were in the UK.
She said before I went that I could text her. So I did. I texted her on Sunday night, before I went to bed. I told her about how much I was struggling. I wasnt looking for a response, I was basically just sending her an update.
On monday morning, the day of the funeral, she texted me a sweet message, saying that she knew I was on route to the funeral now, but that she was sending me her love and support, and telling me that if I needed to talk to her to call her, that she’d be available at 10 Pm that evening, as she was teaching a class that evening.
I was so grateful for that supportive message. I read it when I got back to the afters of the funeral. I was so touched by her sweet message, I felt so cared for by her.
And we did talk that evening. I rang her and we talked about the day. She was still in college when I rang, but she still took my call, we talked for about 15 minutes.
She told me to try to practice self care, and to take good care, and if I needed to to just send her another message, but I didnt have to do that. I figured I could wait until I saw her to talk to her.
I feel so blessed to have such an incredibly caring therapist. She really is such a sweetheart to do all that she does for us. We appreciate her so, so much.

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Caring, is it bad?

THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS SO TOUGH. I MANAGED TO COME OUT AND TALK THOUGH. THAT WASNT EASY. I KEPT FINDING THAT I WAS DISSOCIATING, IT WAS SO HARD TO STAY PRESENT. EILEEN HELPED ME A LOT TO STAY WITH HER, STAY IN THE ROOM. I KEPT FLOATING AWAY, OR BEING UNABLE TO TALK. SHE WAS GREAT. SHE HELPED ME FIND WORDS FOR MY DISTRESS. BASICALLY, IT TURNS OUT THAT IM FINDING IT VERY HARD SINCE I STARTED HAVING FEELINGS OF CARING ABOUT THE KIDS INSIDE WITH US. I WAS ALWAYS TOLD BY MY ABUSERS THAT IF I CARED ABOUT THINGS, OR PEOPLE, THAT IT WAS BAD. THAT CARING HURTS. I SHOULDNT CARE. I SHOULD JUST DENY THAT I CARE. WHICH I’VE MOSTLY ALWAYS DONE. ITS EASIER TO SAY I DONT CARE, IT HURTS LESS THEN WHEN THINGS GO WRONG. I FOUND IT SO HARD TO ADMIT THIS TO EILEEN. I EVENTUALLY DID ADMIT IT TO HER THOUGH. AND WE TALKED IT THROUGH. EILEEN WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING. SHE TOTALLY SAID SHE GOT IT. SHE GOT WHY IT WAS EASIER NOT TO CARE. I TOLD HER I FELT GOOD FEELINGS NOW TOWARDS THE KIDS, I FELT PROTECTIVE OF THEM, AND NICE FUZZY WARM FEELINGS WHEN I THINK OF THEM. I TOLD HER THAT ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. SHE GENTLY TOLD ME THAT THE KIDS WERE ME, AT A YOUNGER AGE, NOT SEPARATE PEOPLE, THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE PARTS, THEY ARE PARTS OF ME, WE’RE SHARING A BODY, ALL OF WHICH I KNEW ALREADY, BUT I GUESS IT DIDNT HURT TO HEAR IT AGAIN. SOMETIMES I FORGET WE’RE SHARING ONE BODY. IT IS GOOD TO BE REMINDED OF IT I GUESS. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL. OR WHETHER I SHOULD NOW CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO US, OR CARE ABOUT OTHERS. I TOLD EILEEN I CARE ABOUT HER, AND THATS SO HARD. I CARE AND WORRY ABOUT HER. I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT ANYONE EVER. NOT ON THE OUTSIDE. IS THIS PROGRESS? I AM NOT SURE. MAYBE IT IS. I JUST FEEL VERY EMOTIONAL THIS PAST WEEK. ALL THIS HAS REALLY BEEN STIRRED UP. NOT JUST FOR ME, BUT I AM HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT SINCE I’VE BEEN OUT MORE THIS PAST WEEK. ACTUALLY IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS. THE LAST TWO THERAPY SESSIONS, I’VE COME OUT AND SPOKEN FOR A GROUP OF US DARKS. EILEEN SAID SHE REALLY APPRECIATES WORKING WITH US. SHE SAID ITS IMPORTANT TO HER, THAT WE’RE IMPORTANT TO HER, EVEN THAT, THAT WAS HARD TO HEAR. I DONT FEEL LIKE ANYONE CARES ABOUT ME, SO THEN IN TURN I FIND IT HARD TO CARE ABOUT ANYONE. BUT I DO CARE ABOUT EILEEN, AND I DO BELIEVE SHE CARES ABOTU US ALL. I JUST DONT THINK SHE SHOULD CARE ABOUT ME. I DONT FEEL I DESERVE HER CARE. I GUESS I’LL KEEP WORKING ON IT. ITS ALL I CAN DO.
PIXIE AGE 21

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Talking to dr. barry about shirley, and also about attachment pain

just home from seeing dr. barry. we had a good apt today. i was out for it. we talked about lots of things, but mainly we talked about therapy, about the work eileen has been doing with shirley. Dr. barry has never really talked to shirley. I think she might have spoken to her once but thats it. In all of the five and a half years we’ve been seeing her, she’s never really worked with shirley. she knows of her, and today i filled her in some more about her. we had a long talk about shirleys denial of us, about what she thinks she has, i told her shirley says she hears us in her head, but to anyone who didnt know we were multiple, to another doctor who may be diagnosing us, if they saw shirley and she told them about hearing us, they’d probably diagnose us with psychosis, or schizophrenia. dr. barry asked me if i am co-conscious with shirley when she’s out. i told her i was. i told her i try to quickly put info in her head when she’s out, orientate her to the present, and to whatever it is we’re doing when she surfaces. i told her shirley has a lot of confusion, and is always very overwhelmed when she’s out. dr. barry said that must be so hard for her. to always feel such deep levels of confusion must be awful for her. she said it was good that eileen started working with her. i told her it was really interesting to hear what she had to say last week in therapy. to just hear her thoughts on things. it was eye opening. i said some time i’d like dr. barry to have a proper session with shirley. so maybe soon i’ll arrange that. i can push her out if needs be. and i trust dr. barry. so maybe we can organise that some time soon. she needs to get familiar with dr. barry. i told dr. barry that shirley feels safe around our family. that when we’re at mom and dads house she comes out more then. its like she feels secure there. but she doesnt really know how to act. what to do or how to be. she needs to be taken care of. she needs looking after. we talked about her age, i told dr. barry i’d told eileen that i felt she was around 21, but eileen had said no, she felt she was acting much younger, and she definitely wasnt mature enough or adult enough to function like i do day to day. so i guess it will take time. we will keep working with her in therapy and hopefully she’ll gain maturity in time. not sure though if she will or not. we talked about the assessment, i told her eileen did the assessment for remy over the phone with us. she said its good that its done now. we talked about attachment, and i told her i’d had a meltdown last night, a pretty bad one. i told her we’d discussed with eileen ways to parent the kids, but that we’re kinda resisting it. dr. barry asked me do i think of us as parts of a whole. i said yes, i know we’re all parts, and that we only have one body, but i told her i’d told this to eileen too, that i see us as individuals, not as one, or as parts of a whole. i told her eileen had been trying to make me come to the realisation that we’re all parts of a whole, but that it doesnt feel like it to me. dr. barry said how can i feel whole when i am one of the parts, that thats not feesable, that its much more feesable for me to think of myself as separate, because i’ve never experienced integration. i told her i never would either, as we’re not aiming for that at all in therapy. we’re aiming for better cooperation and internal communication. she agreed this was best. anyway, getting back to the attachment and the meltdown. i told her i cried myself to sleep last night. i just wanted her, or eileen, i wanted one of them to take my pain away, i wanted them to hugs me, care for me, anything, anything to make the horrible pain end. just make it go away. i told her i felt stupid and needy and awful for not being strong and able to deal with it on my own. she gently said carol anne, do you realise, that you have did, but even if you didnt have did, even if you had no trauma, people who dont have the same struggles you do, they sometimes need things like that, to be looked after, to be taken care of, they need comforting words, or someone to comfort them. its not weak to want that. your not weak, in fact i think its very honest of you to say it to me. i told her i didnt think i’d be able to talk to her today, but that i knew i was seeing her and i’d tried to prepare myself so that i would mention this stuff to her. and then she said, and you did. your here and your talking to me about it. your so strong. i was like, but man dr. barry, i dont feel it. i dont feel strong at all! she said she was very proud of me for all the hard work i’d done in therapy lately. you’ve done tremendous work in the past two weeks, she said gently. your doing great. you continue to amaze me with your strength and determination. i am in awe of it. i was floored! i wasnt expecting her to say all that! that really gave me a boost, a confidence boost. i love her for her kind, gentle nature. her honesty, her realness and willingness to listen without judgement. i just love her for so many things, and i am so glad she’s our doctor. like eileen, she is a blessing to us, and we are so glad to have her in our life, and on our treatment team. so we ended with her saying that i was doing great, to come back in two weeks, and we could continue our conversation then. i think iwas in with her for about 50 minutes. after the apt she walked me to the front entrance, like she normally does, so i could wait for a taxi to pick me up. i have a lot to think about, and a lot to reflect on. I just have to say this. Dr. barry is one of the best things to happen to me. She’s gotten us through so much in the past 6 years. I dont know where we’d be without her.

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FROM PIXIE, THERAPY THIS WEEK!

THERAPY THIS WEEK WAS TOUGH!VERY VERY TOUGH! ME AND EILEEN HAD A LOT TO TALK ABOUT. WHEN I FIRST CAME OUT WE TALKED ABOUT SHIRLEY, I TOLD EILEEN THAT SOME OF US DONT PARTICULARLY LIKE IT WHEN SHE’S OUT, BECAUSE HER FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IMPACT ON US, AND CAUSE INTERNAL CONFUSION AND CHAOS. EILEEN SAID SHE DIDNT KNOW THAT. WE CHATTED FOR A LITTLE WHILE ABOUT IT, AND SHE SAID SHE’D BE MORE MINDFUL OF IT WHEN SHE WORKS WITH SHIRLEY. THEN SHE ASKED ME PIXIE, HOW DID YOU FEEL LAST WEEK, YOU, AND THE REST OF THE DARKS? WHEN I WAS WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, HOW DID YOU FEEL? I STUMBLED OVER MY WORDS, BUT I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT WE FELT FORGOTTEN ABOUT, SINCE FIRST BEFORE CHRISTMAS SHE’D BEEN WORKING WITH EMILY AND HER INSIDERS, AND THEN SHE STARTED WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, AND SO IT FELT LIKE OUR ISSUES WERE BEING NEGLECTED, AND LIKE SHE’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT US. SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT WE’D BE ANGRY WITH HER. I SAID NOT ANGRY, JUST SAD AND FEELING ALONE, I TOLD HER WE NEEDED HER HELP AND SUPPORT, WE FELT ALONE AND LIKE WE’RE DROWNING. SO WE TALKED. WE TALKED ABOUT THE ABUSE, AND WE DISCUSSED A MEMORY FROM WHEN THE BODY WAS SIX YEARS OLD. I TOLD HER OUR ABUSERS ALWAYS TOLD US IT WAS OUR FAULT THEY WERE ABUSING US. THEY SAID MANY THINGS TO US BUT SOME OF THE THINGS THEY SAID WERE, IF YOU DIDNT LOOK LIKE THIS, THEN THIS WOULDNT BE HAPPENING, IF YOU WERE SKINNIER, IF YOU WERENT ALWAYS ACTING THIS OR THAT WAY, IF YOU WERE SOMEHOW DIFFERENT, THEN I WOULDNT BE ABUSING YOU. I TOLD HER HOW THERE WAS ALSO THE FACT THAT WE HAD TO PARTICIPATE IN ABUSING OTHERS, AND IF WE DIDNT, WE’D END UP HURT IN WORSE WAYS, AND IF WE DID IT THEN OTHER KIDS WERE HURT, AND THEN WE HAD HUGE GUILT BECAUSE WE HELPED TO HURT OTHER KIDS. EILEEN SAID WE WERE TRAPPED, AND IT WAS IN NO WAY OUR FAULT. SHE ASKED ME IF I BELIEVED IT. I SAID LOGICALLY I KNEW IT BUT MOSTLY I DIDNT BELIEVE IT WASNT MY FAULT. I TOLD HER NONE OF THE DARKS REALLY BELIEVED IT WASNT OUR FAULT. SHE SAID WE WERE POWERLESS BACK THEN, WE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE, WE WERE POWERLESS, BUT NOW, NOW WE ARENT POWERLESS ANY MORE. WE DONT LIVE IN DUBLIN NOW, AND DUBLIN IS OVER, WE’LL NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN. SHE ASKED ME IF I KNEW THAT IT WAS OVER. I SAID I DID. THEN I STARTED FEELING THE YOUNG PARTS COMING THROUGH, THEY WERE LISTENING IN AND STARTED REACTING TO WHAT EILEEN WAS SAYING TO ME. EILEEN SAID SHE WANTED THE KIDS TO GO TO THE INTERNAL ROOM WE MADE, AND STAY THERE, SHE SAID THIS WAS ADULT STUFF AND THE KIDS DONT HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN IT. THEN WE DECIDED TO DO A LITTLE WORK WITH THE PULSERS, WE WORKED WITH FEELINGS THAT WERE CROPPING UP IN OUR BODY, TENTION, ANXIOUS FEELINGS, PTSD TYPE SYMPTOMS, WE TRACKED THOSE FOR A WHILE. THAT WAS SUPER HARD. I FOUND IT HARD NOT TO DISSOCIATE. EILEEN KEPT HAVING TO BRING ME BACK TO THE ROOM, BACK INTO THE PRESENT. IT WAS HARD NOT TO FLOAT AWAY, DISSOCIATE ALL THE FEELINGS. BUT I MANAGED, SOMEHOW NOT TO DO IT. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. IM GLAD I GOT TO TALK. I LOVE HOW INTUATIVE EILEEN IS. SHE ALWAYS ALWAYS HAS GOOD ADVICE. I LOVE HOW MINDFUL SHE IS OF THE DARKS, OF OUR NEEDS. IT FEELS SO GOOD. WE FEEL VALIDATED, AND SAFE IN HER PRESENCE. SAFE AND SECURE IN HER OFFICE. JUST THE SOUND OF HER VOICE MAKES US FEEL AT EASE. I’M JUST SO GLAD SHE’S OUR THERAPIST. SHE TOLD ME ONE INTERESTING FACT ABOUT THE BRAIN. I HAD BEEN TALKING TO HER ABOUT REMEMBERING MEMORIES FROM MY CHILDHOOD, I SAID I DONT REALLY REMEMBER MANY GOOD ONES, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THE BRAIN HAS A HABIT OF ONLY REMEMBERING THE NEGATIVE MEMORIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE LOTS OF GOOD ONES. IT WILL SWING TOWARDS REMEMBERING ONLY THE NEGATIVE, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED. I FOUND THIS TO BE REALLY INTERESTING. I WAS FIGURING I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULDNT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM CHILDHOOD, AND I WAS PUTTING IT DOWN TO HAVING DID, BUT EILEEN TOLD ME SHE BARELY REMEMBERS ANYTHING FROM AGES 5 6 AND 7 EITHER. SHE SAID SHE ONLY HAS GLIMPSES FROM BACK THEN. SO ITS GOOD I AM NOT ALONE IN THAT. ANYWAY I AM SURE GLAD I HAD THERAPY TIME THIS WEEK. FEELS SO GOOD TO JUST BE ABLE TO TALK.
PIXIE

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Truth!

Today’s Quote:
How would your life be different if… You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day… You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others.
Steve Maraboli

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Therapy today

WAS A SHITSTORM! WE WERE A DISSOCIATIVE TRIGGERED MESS AND EVERYTHING WAS JUST SO AWFUL. EILEEN WAS GREAT. WE DID GET SOME WORK DONE, AND SOME INSIDERS GOT TO TALK THAT HADNT HAD ANY TIME IN THERAPY BEFORE.
WE MANAGED, BUT IT WAS HELL. I DONT WANT A REPEAT OF IT ANY TIME SOON!
NOW I NEED TO REST. I AM EXHAUSTED.
WILL WRITE SOME MORE LATER THIS AFTERNOON IF I FEEL UP TO IT.
LIZ

THERAPY PHONE CHECK IN EILEEN AND WENDY

ME AND EILEEN JUST TALKED. EILEEN EMAILED ME AGAIN ASKING IF I’D LIKE TO TALK. SO I JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO TALK TO HER.
WE TALKED ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING. AND ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO UNTIL MONDAY UNTIL I SEE HER. SHE TOLD ME TO PUT MY FEELINGS BEHIND A SCREEN UNTIL MONDAY, WHERE I CAN LOOK AT THEM BUT I CANT FEEL THEM, THAT IS WORKING I DID THAT AND IT IS WORKING SO THAT IS GOOD.
I TOLD HER AFTER OUR CALL I WILL GO LISTEN TO A PODCAST. I WILL FIND ONE ON SPOTIFY THAT I LIKE AND LISTEN TO IT TO HAVE A LITTLE DOWN TIME. SHE THINKS THATS A GOOD IDEA AND SO DO I. I AM GOING TO GO DO THAT NOW. I AM SO HAPPY WE TALKED. HEARING HER VOICE HAS HELPED ME SO MUCH.
WENDY