First exercise session

I just got done exercising. I am determined to exercise every day to lose the weight.

I did 1.5 miles on the treadmill. I am exhausted now. It was enjoyable though. I enjoyed the feeling of being on the treadmill.

I plan on doing the same tomorrow. If I can do 1.5 miles each day for a little while that will be great. Then I will slowly increase my distance over time. I am going at a speed of 3.2 on the treadmill right now.

I have to exercise in small incraments. I cant do it all at once. I try to do two or 3 10 minute sessions, or 2 15 minute sessions. Its hard for me to do 30 minutes all at once on the treadmill. I get bored easily.

I am glad I decided to do this though. It is going to really benefit me and it will be good for my health too as well as hopefully getting me the weight losses that I want.


I had my smear test

so I had my smear test today. It went well. I was ok, I managed to be ok for it, I wasnt too triggered during it, although I was a bit freaked out. But my mom was with me, she stayed in the room with me the entire time which I was glad about.
We had talked in therapy about it, so that had helped a little. Eileen had told me what to expect, and Eileen is a nurse, so I was reassured by her. she had told me it doesnt hurt, and for the most part it didnt, although I did feel some pressure while the nurse put the speculum inside me.
Anyway. we got there early and the nurse didnt keep me waiting. she took me straight in to the room. she was a very kind nurse, she explained everything to me. she was also very disability aware, having a sister who has downs syndrome. So she explained things, and asked me a few questions. One question she asked me was about sex, had I had intercourse in the past. that was a little embarrassing to answer in front of mom, but I did answer it truthfully.
then she had me strip off,and she had me lie on the examining table. I felt very exposed, but she did put a paper towel over me to cover me a little bit. She started talking to me about holidays, the weather and other stuff as she proceeded to start doing the test.
I did flinch a little during it, as I said there was pressure, and it did hurt as she pushed the speculum inside me. But I breathed through it, and before I knew it it was over. And I was able to get dressed again. I did bleed after the test, but she said thats pretty normal, and for me not to worry about it.
She said since I’d bled afterwords that she would tick the box that says suspicious cervix, and that would mean I’d automatically be referred to the gyn clinic for further treatment and testing, but it could still take anything up to 2 months for me to get a letter with an appointment in it.
She did say it was concerning how I’d gotten a period again after so long, but that if I have some ovary tissue left, that I am still producing hormones, and the lining of my womb could be thickening and maybe that is why it happened, but any post menapausal bleeding needs to be checked out.
so that was that. we left and i know now what to expect. As for the results of the smear that will also take a while. eileen had said I could text her after I had the test, so I did. I just told her how it all went, and what happened during it , and within the hour she texted me back and said how proud of me she was and she also said well done for getting through it.
I am proud of myself for getting through that. I didnt think I could do it.


Freaking out guys

I just got off the phone with my gp. He was calling me back since I rang him last week to speak to him about having gotten a period again after about 5 years of having none.

He told me at first that its normal, that the lining of the womb breaks up after the ovaries are removed, and falls away. Then I told him that 9 months after I’d had the surgery that I’d gotten a light period then, and since then there had been nothing.

He grew concerned then and said that wasnt normal. But that he didnt know why it would happen and if it would happen to me again. So he told me to make an appointment with the nurse to have a smear test done. Well I did that now, but I am so freaked out.

I hate anyone examining me in that way. I know its necessary, but damn. I am so triggered by the fact that I have to have this done. My appointment isnt for 2 weeks, so I have 2 weeks to worry and fret about it. And then once its done, another long wait for results. And with the way the cervical checks are going here in ireland, its not very positive, there are long waits to get results of smear tests, and sometimes people have been misdiagnosed, because the tests are outsourced to labs in the USA.

I am so afraid guys. I am really afraid of having this done. My mom said she’d go in with me. Thank god for that much. I dont want to go in alone. I need her there to hold my hand. I know thats childish but you just dont realise the huge triggers for me surrounding this, considering my history of abuse.

I’m not ok. I’m really, really not ok.

The last time I had a smear test was 6 years ago when I had my surgery to remove my ovaries, and then, I was under anaestetic and asleep when they did it.

So can anyone tell me, is it painful? Does it hurt?

I am so so nervous about this I am beyond freaked out!

I just hope things turn out ok. Please pray for me if you pray and if not then please send me good vibes or good thoughts. I need them right now and for the next few weeks. Eileen isnt even here for me to talk to her about all this, thats what I’d normally do, I did talk with dr. barry yesterday, but man guys. This is just not good.


20 facts about me

I thought I’d do a post where I will tell you 20 facts about me. Lets see how good I am at coming up with facts about myself. Not very good I think! Lol. And there is no one to ask since its the middle of the night!

Ok well, here goes!

1. I’ve had 3 guide dogs in total. 2 females, and nitro is my 3rd dog and my first male dog. My other two were called goldie and Maisie. Goldie was a golden retriever, and she was my first dog. Maisie was a yellow lab. I think female dogs are far more independent than the males. Males are more cuddly, more loyal, and more sensitive in my opinion.
2. I am a good singer. I used to be in stage school as a kid and I loved it. I did tap dancing, speech and drama, and singing. I was in a ton of shows.
3. I’ve been to England, spain, france, and the USA!
4. I don’t like coleslaw! I like what’s in it, but I just don’t like the texture of it in my mouth.
5. I once held a snake around my neck. I was at an animal show and the girl who owned the animals was allowing us to hold them.
6 I also held a lizard, and an owl at the same animal show.
7 I once held a starfish at an acquarium, it was an amazing thing, since I cant see them.
8. I used to collect porceline dolls. I still have a few of them.
9. I also collected reborn dolls for a while. For those who don’t know they are life like dolls, and they are super expensive. I have 3 of them.
10. I am an avid reader. I love escaping into books.
11. I’ve been to Disneyworld in florida, twice. I’ve also been to the Disneyworld in paris twice.
12. I can be very sarcastic. People either love me or hate me for it lol.
13. My favourite quality about me if my sense of humour. People think I am very funny. My partner Jess is always saying how funny I am.
14. I am allergic to cats. My allergy isn’t that bad, but as well as being allergic to them, and sneezing a lot when around them, I just don’t really like cats.
15. I used to collect ty beanie babies. I have given mine away now to my niece, but I had a ton of them, I was really really into them for a while when I was younger.
16. I once had my drink spiked at a teen disco. I was with some friends and someone put something in my drink. I got very ill from it.
17. I’ve had my ovaries removed, I had cysts on them back in 2013. The cysts were the size of melons. I had them on both ovaries. Luckily they weren’t cancerous though.
18. I’ve had my gall bladder out. I had it done through keyhole surgery.
19. I’ve had viral meningitis as a kid, when I was 7. I was in hospital for 2 weeks when I had it. I still have awful memories of that time.
20. I’ve studied childcare, social work, and applied psychology, but I never finished any of those degrees, I only did 2 years of childcare, 2 years of social work, and a year of applied psychology, my mental health always prevented me from finishing the college courses.

So what are some interesting facts about you?

Dads best friend died

You remember some weeks back I told you that my dads friend, his best friend, was dying? And at the time he went to visit him? His friend had a huge tumour on his lung, it was inoperable. Well he died last night, at 2 AM this morning, its so sad.

My dad is so upset. Naturally he is. His friend is being cremated. His cremation is happening today. I thought it was happening pretty quick, but maybe that’s what he wanted.

Before the cremation, he’s reposing at the funeral home for a few hours. I don’t know though, why he’s reposing, as that’s not what he wanted, since he was all swollen up, his head, hands, legs etc were all swelled up for the last few weeks before his death.

My dad is finding it extremely difficult to cope. He’s not good at showing emotions. You can tell he’s upset but he doesn’t want to let me in, he really doesn’t want to admit how upset he actually is about the whole thing.

He only saw his friend that one time before he died. He did tell me that the reason he didn’t go see him again is that he didn’t want to remember him being ill, he wanted to remember him the way he used to be.

That’s fair enough I suppose. He’s worried now about seeing him today in the funeral home. He said he will probably look awful. And he’s worrying about having that image of him burned into his mind.

I hope he’ll be able to cope. I worry about him. I hope it wont be too hard for him to see his friends dead body.

If you pray, please pray my dad will be ok.

I’d appreciate it. thanks, guys!

Worrying, worrying

I’m a little worried tonight. My periods got heavy again. They had lightened a little, but today they are heavy again. So I rang my gp. He was supposed to call me back, he never did. I want to ask him how come I am now getting a period, when my ovaries are gone, and all that’s left is a minute bit of ovary tissue.
Its very strange, I hope nothings wrong.
I just want to query it. Better safe than sorry, right?
Now I’ll have to wait until Tuesday to call again as Mondays a bank holiday here! I wish I didn’t have to wait all weekend. Maybe I can do a little googling.
Does anyone know anything about if your ovaries are gone and all you have is a tiny bit of ovary tissue, if that can still make you have a period?
After 5 years of no period?
It seems odd to me!