Asides

therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.