#SoCs Dec. 8th Musical!

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “musical.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

One of my fave genres to listen to is musical theatre. I love it.

Maybe because I was in stage school for years, I have so many wonderful memories of stage school, of performing, and I made so many amazing friends. I highly recommend it.

I also have been to many shows. I love going to the theatre. Musicals are my absolute favourite!

One I love that came out recently is the greatest showman!

This song from the movie means so much to me!

Finish the thought…

Finish the Thought:

1. Those words I couldn’t say…because I got tongue tied!

2. It’s quite simple, really…honesty all the way!

3. Sometimes I forget…my head!

4. I can sum that up easily…say what you mean and mean what you say

5. A famous person born on my birthday…Don’t know any!

***

Firsts:

1. Job…Babysitting

2. Thought in the morning…Where’s my coffee?

3. Car…’Don’t drive!

4. Decision you made as an adult…Starting a secretarial course

5. Concert…Westlife!

***

This or That:

1. Hamburger or hotdog…hotdog

2. Mountains or beach…Beach

3. Electric or standard toothbrush…standard

4. Call or text conversations…Text conversation

5. City or country life…City

***

Would you Rather:

1. Be a creative or technical person..Thats a tough one. I choose techy.

2. Would you rather brush your teeth with hot sauce or ranch dressing…Hot sauce

3. Would you rather have two permanent lazy eyes or always get nosebleeds at embarrassing moments…Nosebleeds

4. Would you rather eat pizza daily or never eat pizza again…Eat it daily!

5. Would you rather always get stuck in traffic or always have a really slow Internet connection…traffic, definitely, with in–car wifi ; )

One of my clients is dead

I found out today that one of the friendly call clients I call each week killed himself. I’d spoken to this man on numerous occasions. He was in his fifties. He had a severe mental illness. My supervisor told me he did it last week. We were the last people he spoke to, friendly call was the last contact he had with anyone before he did it.

I was floored. Its the first time something like this has happened to me while I’ve been a volunteer. I just cant believe it. It really brings it home to me how precious life is. And how you just never know how things can happen on a spur of a moment.

I hope he’s at peace now. I am glad he had us I am glad we were able to maybe bring him some happy times. The fact that we spoke to him daily. The fact he had someone on the end of the phone to talk to. He was very isolated, he lived in a rural area. And he was so lonely.

Loneliness kills. It really does.

Its going to take me some time to process this. I still feel kinda numb. Maybe because I’ve also come close to ending it. Maybe because I know his pain. I know how he must have felt when he made his decision. I just wish he’d have told us how he was feeling.

Its a sad day for me today. I’ll send prayers up to the universe and hopefully he’s at peace now.

Emily

hhihihii everybody
it is me em
im not sleeping. im feeling sad. I have a lot on my mind tonight.
my online friends are great though. some of them have been so kind, saying they missed me. that was so nice of them to say so.
I missed them too. I didn’t come out much lately. well until this morning in therapy. me and Eileen had a nice chat then.
I love our chats. they always help me feel better.
I love eileens hugs too. she gives good ones.
im doing a lot of hard work in therapy lately.
its not easy. but its so worth it. it lets me not feel so sad when I work with the pulsers and do EMDR.
my insiders are also doing a lot of work, hard hard work in therapy lately.
im proud of them all. especially the little ones.
well im going to go make a cup of tea now. cuz tea makes everything better.
butterfly hugs
loves you,
em age 12

Cuz I want her to be proud of me!

I emailed my therapist. I emailed to tell her my good news!
I wanted to share it with her. But more than that, I want her to be proud of me. I know she will be, so whether she actually responds to my email or not…I will know she got it and read it, and is proud of me!
That is enough. I am happy that I can email her. I am happy to be able to share my great news with the person I trust the most in the world!
She might not respond to me at all, if she does it will be awesome! Im not hoping that sh e will though. If she does, then it will be a huge surprise!
Im kinda a hot mess right now! Im not sure why. I just feel pretty agitated. I am still super excited though about getting a place on the course!
Just gotta try to stay calm! Deep breaths, carol anne!
And coffee, which is probably making me more agitated!

Big system changes

therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.

Therapy tomorrow!

Yay! 😀 I am so looking forward to it!
I just cant wait to see Eileen!
I’ve been having longing feelings all weekend, am longing to be in the safety of her office, longing to be with her, to have her sitting in front of us, with her calming presence and reassuring voice!
Telling us we’re ok, we’re safe, and all is going to work out and be well!
I need that right now! I am feeling insecure tonight!
Alls I gotta say is, thank god therapy day is almost here!
😀