I slept the whole of yesterday away. Man I never felt so sleepy!
I had big plans, I was going to tackle housework, catch up on blogs, watch this and that on tv, be productive.
Unfortunately though, I wasnt. Well nothing I can do now about it.
I suppose I needed the sleep. I must have done.
I literally only got up to let nitro out, feed him, and eat.
I feel kinda rubbish about myself now. Why did i do it? I shouldnt have wasted my day in that way.
Anyone else ever done something similar? Slept for a long time on one day and felt so bad the next day?
so i am not sure if i mentioned it here but…
i want to get my back and front garden slabbed, put concrete down.
it will be nicer than grass, and my mom has COPD and wont be able to keep cutting my grass longterm. so i found out i can get funding from an organisation who helps abuse survivors to do it. i just need to get quotes first.
well i’ve been trying to source landscapers so that i can get quotations. i got my OT mark to look up a few, he found two reputable ones, i rang both today but still have no answers.
one of the companies never rang back, and when i rang them they werent answering their phones. the other company did call me but the guy said he’s not taking new quotes he said he’s too busy and wont be taking any more quotes until september.
the thing is though the fund is only open until beginning of august, so if i want this done i have to get a move on.
so i’ll keep looking i guess. who knew it would be so hard to get a quote!
i will give the other company a few days, maybe they’ll get back to me after a day or two. here is hoping…
I really really want this done!
i wish i can just feel like a kid. i feel so responsible for everyone and everything. i wish i can just let things go. just be a 12 year old kid. that sure would be nice.
do kid things. have fun. not worry. just be. just be free to be me. no fears no worries no responsibilities.
maybe one day it will come true for me. eileen is working with the adults on it. so i am hopeful it will.
my dads bullstaff biggie is ill tonight. he must have eaten something when he was outside. he puked all over the place. poor thing.
he’s 12 now so getting old. we went to let him out when he was puking and he was kinda choking and we thought he was having some sort of seizure.
he’s ok now though. he hasnt gotten sick again. there was a lot of panic when he was getting sick though. my dads looking after my sisters two pugs tonight because she’s at a wedding. and biggie whose our dads bullstaff doesnt like the pugs at all. He gets all agitated when they are in our parents house.
Through all this Nitro was so good. He just lay by my feet, he didnt move. I took him into the bedroom with me, its where I am right now. Its cooler in here and he’s able to lie on the cool wooden floor.
My dad was really panicking about biggie. I wouldnt blame him though because if it was nitro I’d have been panicking too. No one wants to see their beloved dog ill.
thats how much sleep i got. i’m exhausted. i am definitely going to try to nap today at some point. i have to. i barely was able to get up. its almost 8 AM now. i had to really push myself to get out of bed. nitro needs to be fed and i need to book my taxi to go to therapy. i’ll be going to therapy at 9:30. for a 10 AM apt. i’m anxious about therapy. am looking forward to actually seeing eileen but just anxious about what is going to come up today. i think i’ll allow the kids to bring their new book and she can read it to them. and we can record it. that will be good. just still feeling quite emotional this morning. can feel liz’s emotional turmoil seeping through to some of the rest of us. liz is doing somewhat better, but she’s still not fully ok. i think fathers day triggered her more than she’s letting on. she doesnt really get along with our dad. she never has. when we were a teen they had a lot of clashes, their personalities are too similar. when i get home from therapy i think i’m going to read, and finish up my book. i have 9 chapters to read. there are 20 chapters, i’m now starting chapter 11. thats if i dont fall asleep while reading. anyway. better go on and ring to book my taxi. catch yall later.
knots in my insides
drains me of energy
not wanting to be around people
made myself some tea
try to calm down
count to 20 slowly
permission to feel
this anxiety is bad
right now, I dont know how
to get rid of it
feel like I just want to quit
my mind keeps twirling
a storm is approaching
prepare for impact
rooted to the spot
as internal chaos rages on
wonder how I will survive this
but knowing I always do
will it be different this time?
my head feels so foggy
i feel sick and groggy
stand up, sit down
what to do now?
lie here thinking
pondering and wondering
will it ever end?