I think I put my back out

my back is really sore and painful today. i think i’ve pulled it. probably from all the exercising i’ve been doing. when i bend forward it hurts. when i am sitting if i sit a certain way or try to straighten out my legs too far it hurts. getting out of bed hurts too. its a sort of shooting pain. not pleasant. i’ve taken a strong pain killer for the pain. hopefully that will work. i hope it doesnt make me go to sleep. i was going to drink a cup of coffee to make sure i didnt fall asleep but mom said that it probably wouldnt be a good idea to drink coffee and take painkillers as well. so i’m having tea instead. the pain has been there for 3 days, but i ignored it until today. its my lower back thats effected. i’m hoping its just a muscular thing and it will come right on its own given a day or two resting. i am not good with pain, i dont tolerate it well. i’d never be a good chronic pain patient. i’m just a very bad patient. my mom says i am a moan and a whiner. i’m like thanks very much i love you too. lol. i’m just gonna try to ignore it and do other stuff for the evening and hope it settles down soon.

chilled to the bone

i feel very unsettled. i woke from a nightmare and it has left me reeling. i cant process it now. all i can seem to do is sit here in fear. sit here trembling and shaking. some things really are sooo shocking. even after all these years. sometimes i just say to myself how could stuff like this have happened to me? but it did. it did and it hurts. right now i just want to cry. but my tears are not coming. instead i just feel this immense sadness, a pressure on my chest. time to go make myself some tea i think.

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do you ever?

wonder where the last hour went? thats me right now. dissociated, and wondering where the time went. ug, sigh. i think i’m in for a tough night, sitting here with my cup of coffee, wondering how it got made, who made it, awkward did moment?
yes, i can feel the panic and palpitations already in my chest, wondering where this is going, what is the trigger, guess i’ll find out soon enough…

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worry about both of my parents

both of my parents are ill. first my dad has UC ulcerative colitis. he just found this out last week. trying to get him to listen to advice is just not going at all well for me. i told him he needs to not eat certain foods. he got a sheet from his dietician, foods to avoid. think he’s avoiding them? nooooo. same with alcohol. his gastroenterologist told him not to drink. it makes the UC worse. but he’s not listening. his gastro doc wrote him up for some tests. a kolonoskopy, an ultrasound on his liver, and a chest x-ray, all within the next few weeks. he’s also going to have a bone density scan as well.it worry for me. a lot of worry. he may in the future if things dont improve have to have an operation to put a stoma bag in place but they’re saying that is the last resort. that everything else that can be done will be done first. he’s taking nutritional drinks right now to try to put weight on him. he is skin and bones, always cold, and I am worried.

then my mom has COPD. she cant walk very far. she is on 5 inhalers. she struggles to catch her breath. she keeps trying to do things, and I keep telling her she’s doing too much. like for instance today she cut my grass. i told her not to do it. do ya think she’d listen to me? noooo. the middle of her right lung is collapsed. on friday she goes back to the surgeon to see what he is going to do for her. she had a bronkoskopy a few weeks back. i dont think she can be left with a collapsed lung. so it is probably going to mean surgery for her. i am soooooo nervous. its just a lot of worry for me and i find it hard to cope with both of them being ill at once.

Flashbacks

my head spins
when does it end
thoughts race
i start to pace
back and forth
getting worse with each second
trying to ground
the dog helps
his fur is soft and warm
he licks me bringing me back to reality
oh how i love my dog
flashbacks hurt so much
they hit when you least expect it
there is no escaping them
but maybe, just maybe
i can bring myself out of them
and into the present
for now at least