Struggle

i’m struggling this morning. I haven’t slept. I couldn’t. I was having flashbacks. the system was in distress. things were chaotic. we were remembering awful things. I cant even write the words, I don’t even know if I can find the words when I go to Eileen in 90 mins. i’ll try I guess. its so hard sometimes. my words get lost. flaot away. its such a struggle to talk. open up and talk. I want to but I cant. ug I hate it. I am just feeling a little bit unsettled this morning. I have showered, that helped a little. I’m going to call my mom soon. just to hear another voice. I feel like I am the only person in the world awake. even tho its 8 am. thank you all for all your kind comments tonight. they have really helped me more than yall know.
carol anne

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Second session with sarah

yesterday we had our second session with our cpn sarah. it went really well.

we are rgetting along really well with her. she’s a great listener. plus she gives awesome advice too!

we talked about our mental wellbeing yesterday. i told her we hadnt been sleeping too good. and how our emotions were all over the shop, and we’d been dissociating quite badly yesterday morning before seeing her.

she helped me make a plan for the weekend. it involved self care, getting some rest, and doing things that I am interested in and that make me happy.

she urged me not to do anything that i found hard or stressful, or that I wasnt interested in. I am to only do things that make me happy. I think I can manage that!

We planned some self care things I can do, including visiting my friend norma today, reading a book in bed and having a lie in each morning, relaxing in a bubble bath, and watching x factor.

We talked a little about how I’d been missing eileen and dr. barry a lot this week. Sarah wasnt aware of the level of attachment we have with both of them. I am not sure she fully understood it when I told her. She tried though which is the main thing.

We have made another appointment for the 10th of October. She told me not to be too hard on myself because even though I feel bad mentally right now, I am coping very well with things. I told her I have a habit of catastrophising, she said its quite normal for us to think the worst, even when some things are going well for us. I’m glad she understood, I felt bad for being so negative.

Just, ug

the night is dragging. i slept for like 1 hour. 1 bloody hour. i cant believe it. i went to bed about 12:30. and I thought I’ll be able to sleep. layed down and tried to switch off. tried to force my mind to stop spinning. eventually it did. eventually i dropped off to sleep. only to wait again at 2:30. and be up since then thinking. ug. thinking and thinking. not good. i think way way too much. i managed to talk to jess on the phone last night twice. we talked about her mom being her guardian and she said no she isnt. she didnt want to be. but she is her power of atorny for medical stuff. i guess thats not so bad. at least she isnt her full guardian. i asked jess how she felt about living there. she said they’d talked to her about moving to c side, which is the other side of the unit she’s on where you have more independence. she said at the tie she did not want to go there because her old roommate lowis is there. lowis has stolen from her in the past. and made her give her things. so its just not good if she spends time with her. so that is why she hasnt moved over but the staff think she’s ready to do that. i said we’d talk more tonight we only had about 15 minutes to talk last night. i bought the kids a reborn doll. from ashton drake. it was expensive but i can pay for it over 5 installments. they already have a few reborn dolls as do we. if you havent seen one before or dont know what they are they are dolls that look real, lifelike. they are made to look and feel like a real baby. so anyway i got the kids one called kaylee. abby who is a little in jess’s system will be thrilled. she loves to get mail and she loves dolls. i thought if i can make the kids happy for even one hour then i want to do that. anyway back to tonight and sleep. dont know what i’ll do because i probably will be up for the rest of tonight. its 5 AM now. so thats looking likely. I’m so sick of the waking up fromm my sleep randomly. i cant remember having any dream or nightmare. i just woke. wondering why i keep waking but coming up with nothing as to why. seems i’ll have to just suck it up and deal with it.

tomorrow

tomorrow is my interview day! My interview for college. To get a place on the substance use and misuse in youth and community work course.

I am soooo nervous!

I’ve prepared as best as I can. I think I’m ready. My mom is going with me for morral support. Also she is going because the interviews are taking place in a building that I dont have a clue how to navigate.

I hope I can sell myself and get a place on this course. I really, really want it. At least I know everyone gets the same set of questions, so everyone gets a fair chance.

Wish me luck guys! 🙂 I need it!

Friday chitter chatter

so in case you wondered about who wrote the post earlier where we wanted to cut? it was liz. some of you who know us well might have know it was her. she forgot to sign her name at the end though. but she did write in all caps which is her style of writing so people may have guessed who wrote it.
we all tried to help her well ok not all but some of us did some of the teen insiders did. me, amy, alexa, Tristan, asher, cora, wendy, willow, ro, jade, etc.
she listened to music and read a book. we also made some tea and watched a little tv with surprise of surprises our dad. he was in a chatty mood which was nice. we watched the six o’clock news, that was kind of depressing but we do like to know what is going on in the world.
this weekend is going to be very low key. I intend on finishing a Maggie Hartley book that I’ve been reading called who will love me now. I also intend on catching up on some shows I like on tv, doing something creative, maybe going to visit my friend if I feel up to it.
Anyone got a good idea for a creative craft?
Do any of my readers do art? If you do what kind do you like to do?
What tv shows do you like to watch on tv?
The shows I am watching are shows that I will need to watch during the day because they relate to crime and so I cant watch them by night.
What is the weather like this weekend in your part of the world?
Its actually sunny here today rare for September. Its about 16 degrees c not sure what that is in degrees f.

I think I put my back out

my back is really sore and painful today. i think i’ve pulled it. probably from all the exercising i’ve been doing. when i bend forward it hurts. when i am sitting if i sit a certain way or try to straighten out my legs too far it hurts. getting out of bed hurts too. its a sort of shooting pain. not pleasant. i’ve taken a strong pain killer for the pain. hopefully that will work. i hope it doesnt make me go to sleep. i was going to drink a cup of coffee to make sure i didnt fall asleep but mom said that it probably wouldnt be a good idea to drink coffee and take painkillers as well. so i’m having tea instead. the pain has been there for 3 days, but i ignored it until today. its my lower back thats effected. i’m hoping its just a muscular thing and it will come right on its own given a day or two resting. i am not good with pain, i dont tolerate it well. i’d never be a good chronic pain patient. i’m just a very bad patient. my mom says i am a moan and a whiner. i’m like thanks very much i love you too. lol. i’m just gonna try to ignore it and do other stuff for the evening and hope it settles down soon.

chilled to the bone

i feel very unsettled. i woke from a nightmare and it has left me reeling. i cant process it now. all i can seem to do is sit here in fear. sit here trembling and shaking. some things really are sooo shocking. even after all these years. sometimes i just say to myself how could stuff like this have happened to me? but it did. it did and it hurts. right now i just want to cry. but my tears are not coming. instead i just feel this immense sadness, a pressure on my chest. time to go make myself some tea i think.

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