grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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Life update

I’m having a pretty good afternoon. I’m relaxed and in a good mood.
Its nice to feel calm. It feels good.
Strange, but good. I’m so used to feeling on edge, stressed out etc that I dont know how it feels to just sit and be.
I like this feeling.
My dads getting sick. He has something going on with his chest. He is coughing a lot and he also has stomach issues going on. we are trying to get him to see a doctor but he keeps refusing. i told him he isnt going to get better by doing nothing.
Nitro is doing good. He’s happy. He’s such a cuddle bug. Always looking for pats. He has taken to licking my toes lately to show his affection for me. its pretty cute.
overall life is good this afternoon. I hope your all having a good saturday.

Weekend update

i’m so glad its the weekend. nitro is not sick any more thank god. he was only sick for one night. he must have eaten something bad. he vomited twice on thursday evening but then on friday morning he ate breakfast as normal and was ok. i am glad i wasnt alone when it happened because i dont think i’d have been able to clean up the vomit. and believe me there is nothing worse than cleaning dog vomit.
i’ve been at my parents house since thursday. mom is going to help me get packed and ready to go to respite on monday. we are packing my bag today. i have a lot of stuff to bring even though i’ll only be in respite for four nights.
i am bringing my laptop, my i phone, my apple watch and my kindle. i plan on doing a lot of reading while there. i also plan on doing a lot of binge watching movies and tv. i am not sure what activities will be there or if there will even be any activities at all or if we’ll have to entertain ourselves so i am going prepared.
i plan on the rest of this weekend being a low key affair. i am going to rest lots and just have some me time, get ready for respite and enjoy some relaxation time too.

Todays positivity post

Positives of my day

1 Had a good talk with two nurses from the weekend team.
2 Spent time with mom chatting.
3 Had a long hot relaxing bath.
4 Saw my sister, spent time reading magazines with her, fun times.
5 Patted the dogs, always good to have some cuddle time with the animals.

All in all its been a very good day!

PLEASE

LET ME DIE. I WANT TO END IT. I CANT GO ON. I AM DONE. I HATE LIVING WITH THE FLASHBACKS AND INNER TURMOIL AND PAIN. IT HURTS TOO MUCH. GOING TO GO TO BED AND READ TO TRY TO TAKE MY MIND OFF MY MISERY. I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF THAT NITRO NEEDS ME. HE NEEDS ME TO STAY HERE AND LOOK AFTER HIM. I AM NEEDED, I AM LOVED, ITS HARD TO REMEMBER THAT SOMETIMES THOUGH.

MORE RAMBLING THOUGHTS FROM LIZ

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PART OF ME THINKS I NEED TO GO BE SEEN AT THE HOSPITAL. BUT THEN THE STRONGER PART OF ME SAYS NO. I DONT WANT TO GET TAKEN INTO HOSPITAL. I DONT THINK IT WOULD REALLY DO ME ANY GOOD. YES IT WOULD KEEP ME SAFE. BUT IN RATIONAL MOMENTS I WANT TO FIGHT THIS. I WANT TO TRY TO MANAGE IT MYSELF. WITH EILEENS HELP. AND DR. BARRYS HELP. I THINK I’M JUST GOING TO HOPE EILEEN RESPONDS. AND THEN ON WEDNESDAY I’M GOING TO TALK TO DR. BARRY ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING. I TRUST DR. BARRY. SHE WILL KNOW WHAT I NEED. I’LL PUT MY FAITH IN HER. HOPING IF EILEEN RESPONDS TONIGHT SHE’LL BE ABLE TO CALM ME DOWN. RIGHT NOW I’M IN FLIGHT OR FIGHT MODE. MY ADRENALINE IS REALLY KICKING IN. I’M FEELING IRRATIONAL, FEARFUL, SAD, ALL AT ONCE. I ALSO FEEL VERY IMPULSIVE. I FEEL YOUNG, YOUNGER THAN 16. I FEEL CHILDLIKE. LIKE A YOUNG PART OF ME HAS TAKEN HOLD. I AM BASICALLY WRITING TO KEEP MY HANDS BUSY. I THINK WHEN I POST THIS I’LL GO MAKE SOME TEA. I DONT HAVE ANY HERBAL TEAS THOUGH. THE THOUGHTS OF ENDING IT ARE SO STRONG JUST NOW. THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME IS NITRO. I WOULDNT I COULDNT DO IT TO HIM. HE DEPENDS ON ME HE NEEDS ME. IT WOULDNT BE FAIR TO KILL MYSELF AND LEAVE HIM NEVER KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS MOMMY.
LIZ