so when we were little, like under 2, we lived with our dads family. there was mom, dad and me, my dads mom, his sister and brother all living in the same house. his mom, sister and brother were all alcoholics. my mom was young, she was 17 when she had me. she was young and vulnerable and very scared. she grew up with violence and conflict and stuff but not alcoholism. all of this was new to her. she had a lot to learn. when she would go somewhere where she could not take me along, i was looked after either by my aunt dads sister or his mom. they were always drunk. they could not look after me properly. they were careless and left us in dangerous situations. so many times. we were traumatised. left alone. alone to fend for ourselves. we learned not to cry. we learned to be quiet. so as not to cause arguments or get hurt by drunk people. it was our normal. tonight i am remembering. and it hurts. the pain of remembering is so overwhelming. why did this have to happen? why? a question I’ll never find ansers too.
we are caged in fright
running with all our might
our mind cracks
emotions spill out
we try to shout
its like being in a drream
a voiceless scream
silence, deafening silence
for so many years
how long will it take
to finally be free
just be able to be me?
with baited breath
For the day
I can finally breathe
When will that be?
I wish I knew
Waiting is hard
I sit and I wonder
Ponder and wonder
Some day, some day
I’ll be free
Free from the pain
Free from the memories
Free just to be
Just finished an amazing foster care memoir by author maggie hartley.
At just ten years old, Kirsty has already suffered a lifetime of heartache and suffering. Neglected by her teenage mother and taken into care, Kirsty thought she had found her forever family when she is fostered by Pat and Mike, who she comes to see as her real mum and dad.
But when Pat has a heart attack and collapses in front of her, Kirsty’s foster family say it’s all her fault. They blame her temper tantrums for putting Pat under stress and they don’t want Kirsty in their lives anymore.
Kirsty is still reeling from this rejection when she comes to live with foster carer Maggie Hartley. She acts out, smashing up Maggie’s home and even threatens to hurt the baby boy Maggie has fostered since birth. Social Services must take Kirsty’s threat seriously and Maggie is forced to choose between eight-month-old Ryan, who she’s grown to love, or angry Kirsty, who will most likely end up in a children’s home if Maggie can no longer care for her. Maggie is in an impossible position, one that calls in to question her decision to become a foster carer in the first place…
This was an amazing book. Very like cathy glass’s books if you’ve read any of those. Maggie is also a foster parent from the UK. She writes very poignantly about the kids in her care. The book has many twists and turns in it. Its highly addictive, a page turner.
Its available on audible and on kindle and in print.
Just finished an amazing foster care memoir by Cathy glass.
This is her latest book, just released last week. Its called cruel to be kind.
This is Max’s story. Max was six when he came to live with Cathy. His mother was in hospital and he’d been left at home alone so was temporarily brought into care.
When Cathy first met him she got a shock because he was very obese. Much of the book centres on his obesity. He was six and weighed 119 pounds.
The book is sad in many places. His mother and sisters are also very obese. Throughout the book he goes on a diet but when he has contact at home he doesn’t stick to it, however he does lose some weight.
I’m not going to say exactly what happens in the book because I don’t want to give too much away but it is a very very good read, parts of the book are very sad and tragic but parts of it are also very uplifting.
The book is available on audible and in print and on kindle.
I couldn’t put it down once I started reading it. I was totally addicted as I am with all of Cathys books.
I will say the book has a very positive ending.
I thought our therapy session today was going to be a therapy review. That is what we had planned for last week. But things changed today. We met a very young part. A 7 year old named Jessy. Jessy was very traumatised. It all started when Eileen asked about the weekend. I told Eileen that some insiders were panicking, and they’d had a pretty bad weekend. I tried to tune in to see if I could get a sense of why, because I didnt know, all I knew was that kids were struggling with memories. And I was starting to merge with them and the feelings that were coming up. Eileen asked me if she could speak to one of them and I said I thought so if they were willing to speak. So I stepped back and left a space for whoever wanted to come out. And that is when Jessy came forward. She was crying hysterically. Eileen held her for a few minutes and talked softly to her. “dont worry, I am here” “your ok” “You dont have to tell me anything” “I just want to talk to you and figure out what you’ve been told by the bad people, I dont want you to tell me about memories, lets just sit here and talk for a few minutes, and then together we can figure out what is going on ok?”. At this point she didnt know her name. She only knew her age. When her tears subsided, she asked Eileen “will you hold my hand?” Eileen gently took one of her hands in both of hers. Rubbing her fingers softly against her palms, she started talking to her again. And then it all came tumbling out. How the bad people told her they were always going to be watching her, how they said they planted eyes in her tummy, and they’d always be able to see what she was up to and hear what she was saying, how she could never tell anything to anyone because if she did something bad would happen to her. Again Jessy starteed crying hysterically. Reaching across to us Eileen hugged her tightly. “you are so brave” “they were so very mean” “I am so so sorry for what they did to you”. Then she slowly tried to go about explaining to Jessy that what they said wasnt true. That your eyes have to be connected to your brain in order to see. And that even if they said they did, that they actually did not plant eyes inside of her tummy. But since she was just little her imagination made her believe that what they said was true. She asked Jessy if she knew the difference between make believe and real things. She didnt. So it was then doubly hard to explain it to her. Jessy is stuck, stuck in a time when we were 7 years old. For her, time has stood still. She still thinks we are in dublin. Eileen asked her if she knew anyone inside, she knew a few of the kids and Jade. So Eileen asked Jade to come sit with her and support her. Then I also sat with them. I was kind of in shock with all the info that Jessy was giving, I hadnt been aware that the abusers had said this stuff to her. Eileen kept on explaining about the body being older now, about jade and me being grown ups, and other things about our abusers being cruel and mean and tricking her. I think after a while she got it. Sorta. I think it will take a long time and a lot of therapy before she fully understands. Although she did say she wanted what eileen was saying to be true. It makes me incredibly sad to think of her being told that someone would put eyes inside her and watch her and do bad stuff to her if they found out she’d told. No 7 year old child should have to struggle with that. It was an incredibly sad session. Eileen asked myself and Jade if we would support Jessy this week. I told her she didnt have to worry we are both happy to do that. I am drained after todays session. I think its going to be an early night for me tonight.