who I would be
If you hadn’t hurt and abused me?
If you hadn’t tormented me
Taken my childhood away from me?
I wonder, who I would be
If my dreams weren’t shattered
If I mattered?
If the parts of my life weren’t scattered?
who I would be
If I didn thave a did diagnosis
If I didn’t have a mental illness?
What life would be like
what my future would hold
If I had not had to grow up fast
and try to forget my past
a little about my early life…
i was born 13 weeks premature, my mom was only 17 she she had me.
i was in an incubator for 3 months, and had very limited contact with my parents, i weighed 2 pound 8 ounces at birth.
we lived with my dads parents and siblings for the first 2.5 years of my life. they are all alcoholics, and a lot of abuse took place when we were living there.
there was fighting, violence, emotional abuse. it was not a good atmosphere to live in.
our mom always says she was terrified living there, she had no alcoholism in her family, so wasnt used to that kinda atmosphere.
at age 2 we got our own place, and we moved with our parents to our own house. life got a little easier then. for a while at least.
Tears are always running down my face
I hang my head low thinking “what a disgrace?”
The tears are coming from all the damage you caused
What do you want now, a round of applause?
I’ve watched you rape and molest me right before my eyes
Now the only thing left to do is cry
You stole my virginity without my consent
PLEASE tell me why this is the way it went
All I wanted was for you to get off of me
But getting you off of me just wasn’t that easy
You hit me in my face then ripped my shirt
Then you pushed it in to the point where it hurt
I remember it like it was yesterday
Answer this, will I ever forget about this and be okay?
The thoughts are crucial & all I can do is cry
Sometimes I just think then ask myself “why didn’t I die?”
The bastard didn’t care if I lived or if I died
All he cared about was being satisfied
I feel dirty, I feel low, I feel used
I’ll always know that I’m a victim of sexual abuse!
my heart is breaking
into a million pieces
will I ever heal?
Today I ask why
Why that man picked me
Yes Im asking why
Why could he not see
The pain and the suffering
That he would cause for me
Its just one thing after another
Its this nasty mind of mine
Memory after memory
You were way out of line
Why sir did you break me
For your own delight
Made me a target for others
Whos minds were not right
Wrong enough to hurt me
Until I couldnt take much more
Made myself a family
And to others shut the door
I have my help my system
Always there to say
Come on we can do It
Several times a day
You dont know how you scared me
Each time you came near
Even hurt me now
Enough to shed a tear
Today I really hate you
For that I dont ask why
I know its cause your sick inside
And you fucked a child dry
I cried til i could cry no more
After what you did
I cried because you made me hurt
In your perverse desperate bid
Your bid to fulfill your fantasy
Without any thought
No thought for my feelings
And from that you taught
Taught me to be tough
Not take any shit
Say no to perverts
Sick and twisted dicks
I hope you die you bastard
And I hope it hurts like fuck
Oh and I just want you to know
That what you did fucking sucks.
it’s knowing how hard life can be
and knowing before the age of three
its being rejected before you can speak
and living by it week by week
no hugs, no tickles, no high fives
nothing to show you exist, your alive
you cant be stirred from your bed
you are trying to get the nighttmare out of your head
i do not
inhabit my dreams
you cause me to scream
and i thik they’ll
but i do not
you to come anywhere
near me ever again
you stole enough from me in childhood
i do not permit
watch me as i flourish
and start to feel