Unable to sleep

Another night where I am unable to sleep. Sigh.

I fear I’ll never get my sleeping pattern back to normal. I spend most nights lately wide awake, I am awake until I crash hard, and eventually fall into a fitful sleep.

I wish I didn’t suffer from insomnia, its the pits.

Anyone else suffering from lack of sleep or unable to get to sleep?

We should start a club! 😀

Clara having memories

Its Clara. I am 15. I wanted to write. I just realised why the kids crying triggers me so much.
I remember when we were at school, at the bording school. We were made to take care of the younger girls. The younger kids. We had to dress them, feed them, wash them…the staff who worked there expected us to do it, they didn’t care that we were also just kids. They just expected us to do their work for them. I don’t know why they had the job of caring for us. They certainly didn’t do it.
I just realised that this is a huge trigger for me. Hearing our littles cry, seeing them sad, and upset, it triggers huge overwhelm in me. I feel helpless. Hopeless, out of control. I feel as if I am literally unable to breathe. Just the sound…god the sound. It makes me feel like running away, far far away.
I emailed Eileen about it. I told her what I remembered. I told her how I felt. I had to tell her. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d get how I felt.
I’m feeling so unwell tonight. I feel agitated. Very shaky. Very sad and hopeless.
Why did I have to do a job that was not what I should have been doing? Why? Those staff who looked after us, well they didn’t, but they were employed to do that. To look after us. They should have done so. I shouldn’t have had the job of caring for other blind kids. That was not fair on me.
Clara age 15

big day tomorrow

tomorrow I start college, I start my course mental health in the community. I am super excited. its going to be a big day. I will have an early start. im only going for 3 hours, from 9:30 until 12:30. still though its enough I think. we’ll be learning a lot in that time. im going to leave nitro at home. I really don’t need to take him. and he seems to get stressed when he’s there. so i’ll leave him at home. and just take a taxi and meet my friend there.
Wish me luck for tomorrow guys!

Shitty nights sleep!

Yeah, I haven’t had a great night. I woke at 4. I wanted to stay asleep so bad. But I couldn’t, so I got up. I went online. Read blogs. Read emails.

I even went to bed early last night, I shut down my computer at 11 PM. That’s early for me. And that was after sleeping for a few hours in the afternoon too. I managed to go to sleep pretty quickly last night. Not even my phone was going to keep me up.

Now if only I could stay asleep once I get there? Will be working on sleep stuff in therapy today. Eileen said she’d help me work on it. Am so looking forward to actually sitting down with her and trying to figure all this sleep stuff out. Hoping if I can my life will get easier and sleep problems will be less.

Hair do

I got my hair done. Mom colored it for me. It looks good! I will take a pic later when my make up is on. As ya’ll know I am heading out tonight to a rod stuart tribute band and we’ll also have a meal. I got new clothes to wear, and now my hair is done too. I feel good. It feels nice to get spruced up. Makes me feel amazing. Looking forward to tonight now. The only part I don’t look forward to is getting home at the end of the night. We’ll probably find it hard to get a taxi. I hate waiting around for one. I will hope we can get home safely after our night out. It wont probably be until after 3 AM though!
😀