so an interesting session for me today with eileen. i hadnt been to therapy in ages. i mean we had, but i personally hadnt. and it ended up I didnt even have a whole lot of time, as Shirley was out and needed to talk. But I did have a few minutes at the start, and end of our session. And when I did, we were talking about did, Eileen asked me what I think did is? How would I explain it? That kinda threw me. Not many people ask me that. I said I thought did was many people sharing one body, then that led to her asking me if I know we’re all part of one whole person? I told her I did know we shared a body, but I didnt feel we were part of a whole person. There is no whole. There has never been. She said she understood how I felt. But that her idea was that we’re all parts, parts of a whole. And logically I know this, but well, I guess it doesnt come up to often, so I dont really think about it. I mean, I do know we share a body. I know there arent tons of different people, but I also know as parts, we are individuals, we are separate in that we all have our own feelings on things, ideas about things, etc. Eileen agreed with me on that. She said she realises that we all think about the world differently, express emotions and feelings in our own unique way. She said she is just gently telling me that we’re one being, one body, and parts of a whole. Man! That is a tough one to take. I am my own person, I want to be my own person, I hate that we share a body. Mostly I hate that. Mostly I want my own body. I just want to be me, but deep down I know I have to conform, I have to take the whole system into account when making decisions, i know this. I guess I am just ranting a little because I can, lol. It was just an interesting session to me. We havent actually talked much about did, about what it means and what it is and how we see it. Eileen said the reason she asked us was because the questionaire we did last week, the first question in it says, do you believe you have a diagnosis of did or a dissociative disorder, do you and all parts believe that to be true? We do believe it to be true. That isnt the issue here. But Eileen just wanted our opinion on what we as parts think did is and what it means to us to be did to have that disorder. It was just interesting to me. I have to now go away and reflect on it a little.
WAS A SHITSTORM! WE WERE A DISSOCIATIVE TRIGGERED MESS AND EVERYTHING WAS JUST SO AWFUL. EILEEN WAS GREAT. WE DID GET SOME WORK DONE, AND SOME INSIDERS GOT TO TALK THAT HADNT HAD ANY TIME IN THERAPY BEFORE.
WE MANAGED, BUT IT WAS HELL. I DONT WANT A REPEAT OF IT ANY TIME SOON!
NOW I NEED TO REST. I AM EXHAUSTED.
WILL WRITE SOME MORE LATER THIS AFTERNOON IF I FEEL UP TO IT.
me gots tok to eileen today! i was hapy bout it!
we tok bout felings
she said i am so smart
cuz i tol her that it is beter to tok bout felings
that to do bad fings
and i told her that some the teens ar bein mean to me!
she said that the teens ar jus actin tough
but they ar realy hurting for me
cuz las nite i was stressed
i was destresed and skard and trigered
and havin halucinations and seein blood
and eileen said that mus’ve ben hard
and it was!
but the teens serena and missy and clara
thay was all mean to me!
they call me psycho!
i no like it
it hurts my felings!
eileen taked me on a walk today
all over her ofise
and she let me touch everything!
she said it good to know whats there!
and she even has a toy!
a thing that you can stretch and it like a bracelet
and you can make it spring up and down!
i liked lukin at that
eileen said im a special litle girl
cuz she said im smart and brave and i know lotsa stuf!
and she said im smart to tell the adults wat i need!
cuz i tol carol anne i need her to sit wif me
and hug me
and tel me fings gona bes ok!
eileen said not to worry bout the teens
she said shed work wif them
and hopefuly they will lern not to be mad or frustrated wif me
i hope so!
cuz i not likin that
therpy today was hard but good too
taylor age six
its me em
im feeling good tonight
i just emailed eileen
i telled her she maked me feel safe today
and it felt good and i liked being in therapy today
the session was good
i feel like she gets us and she helps us so much
protects us and loves us and validates us
i love her for all that
i love her cuz shes so kind
and warm and caring and gentle and thoughtful
and shes realy caring and a good therapist too
my dark insiders are calmer tonight
they are scared about eileen maybe leaving us
i told her to maybe tell them she isnt going to do that
she did tell us today but they are still doubtful about it
i think they find it hard to trust
but they are working on it
it just takes a long time
cuz we’ve been hurt so much by people in the past
who said they would be there and werent leaving
and then they just did
and that hurted so much
im so thankful for eileen
shes my best therapist ever
i hope we’ll be seeing her for a real long time
i think so
im happy about that
im also happy we get a fluffy blanket in her office now
i love it
its all cosy and comfy and warm and makes me feel safe
and her holding me made me feel safe to
emily age 12
SO I JUST GOT HOME FROM THERAPY. I WENT AND I AM SO GLAD I DID. I REALLY AM. WE DID SOME REALLY INTENSE WORK. I’LL TRY TO WRITE ABOUT IT LATER ON TODAY.
ON THE WAY HOME I ASKED THE TAXI DRIVER TO STOP OFF AT SUBWAY. I FELT LIKE HAVING A SUB FOR MY LUNCH. ITS A REAL TREAT FOR US. WE RARELY EAT SUBWAY ANY MORE SINCE WE STARTED LOSING WEIGHT. I WENT ALL OUT. I GOT MYSELF A MEAL DEAL, WHICH IS A FOOT LONG SUB, CRISPS AND A DRINK. I GOT ITALIAN BREAD, WITH CHICKEN, BACON, PEPORONI AND SPICY CHEESE, AND SOUTH WEST SAUCE! AND I HAVE TO SAY GUYS, IT WAS DELICIOUS!
NOW I’M TOTALLY STUFFED BUT FEELING VERY SATISFIED. NOW THE PROCESSING OF THIS MORNINGS SESSION CAN BEGIN. I JUST NEEDED TO FILL UP WITH FOOD FIRST, LOL.
OVERALL I AM FEELING GOOD THOUGH, AND THATS NOT A BAD THING.
ITS LIZ. I EMAILED EILEEN THIS MORNING. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EMILY. I AM AFRAID FOR HER AFRAID SHE WILL TRY SOMETHING. SHE CAN BE QUITE IMPULSIVE. SO I EMAILED AND I ASKED EILEEN IF WE CAN HAVE A PHONE CHECK IN SOME TIME THIS WEEK IF THAT WAS OK WITH HER.
SHE JUST TEXTED ME A FEW MINUTES AGO TO SAY SHE’S AVAILABLE TONIGHT AT 6:30 IF I WANTED TO CALL HER THEN. SO WE’LL HAVE A CHECK IN CALL THEN WITH HER. HOPING THAT WILL HELP US.
I LOVE HOW SHE ALWAYS COMES THROUGH FOR US. SHE’S JUST AN AMAZING THERAPIST AND WE’RE SO SO LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE HER WHO MAKES TIME FOR US IN BETWEEN SESSIONS WHEN WE ARE STRUGGLING. THAT FACT DOES NOT GO UNNOTICED BY US.
SO I AM HOPEFUL THAT THE CHECK IN TONIGHT WILL DO SOME GOOD. ALONG WITH OUR EMAILS. OF WHICH THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT ALREADY. EILEENS OK WITH THAT THOUGH. SHE HAS SAID WE CAN EMAIL HER AS MUCH AS WE NEED TO. SHE KNOWS IT IS SOME INSIDERS ONLY WAY OF EXPRESSING HOW THEY FEEL.
hi, im ash, im 18 years old.
im feeling very tired. i had most of our therapy session today. it was good, good but very draining.
we talked a lot about emily and emilys system. for those of you who dont know me I am one of emilys insiders, I am a dark.
I did something that I probably shouldnt have done over the weekend. I responded to an email from a past abuser. I did it for one reason and one reason only. I did it to protect Emily.
She would have hurt herself. She would have tried to commit suicide. She is very suicidal right now, and when the email came in from a past abuser over the weekend it had instructions in it for us to do something bad to the body.
I couldnt let that happen. I couldnt let emily self destruct. I just couldnt. So I pretended I was going to follow through with the instructions. I responded pretending to be Emily, the email was directed at her you see.
I pretended to be her and I managed to get them to quit bugging us. They think we’re probably going to off ourselves. Obviously we’re not though.
So I was only trying to do good. I talked to Eileen about it today. She completely got it. She completely got why I did what I did.
I am glad she wasnt mad that I responded. She said it made total sense to her why I’d do that. Why I’d respond to them. I was protecting emily from harming us.
Now I have to watch Emily closely and make sure she doesnt act on suicidal urges this week. She did make an agreement with eileen that she wouldnt. She also doesnt want to disappoint eileen so that helps that she’s wanting to do it so as not to make eileen feel disappointed in us. Eileen said she wasnt disappointed in us though.
I’m glad. Eileen matters to me. It matters to me that we are here and that we stay alive. So I will do everything in my power to keep us alive if I can!