Review of where we’re at in therapy

today in therapy we had a review. a review of where we’re at. of what is working and what isnt working. we reviewed our work so far, we usually do these reviews once a year. just so eileen can get a feel for where we’re at, and what needs to be worked on and how we need to progress.
she asked me what did i feel we needed to focus on for the next little while. i had a list of four things. they were food and weight, anxiety, sleep and dealing with dissociation.
i told her that i feel that sometimes we skip from topic to topic and its a little disconcerting. i said i feel that sometimes we start working with someone or on something and then we get sidetracked because something else or someone else needs attention and the thing we had started working on is forgotten about or pushed to the side for another time. i want to try to change this.
she agreed that maybe we need to structure sessions more. contract to work on one thing at a time for a while. i said maybe if insiders knew and had reassurance that we’d get to their stuff that it might not be so hard for them to hold their stuff. they’d know we’ll get to them eventually.
we talked about the dissociation. eileen said that even though we still dissociate a lot, that we’ve gotten much better at being able to come back, and i said thats pretty much down to her, she catches it when it happens. she asked me how i felt about her noticing, i said I was glad she does.
some of the young insiders didnt like that we were doing a review, they started panicking when we started it. they were afraid of things changing, they dont do well with change, they want things to pretty much stay how they are.
Eileen reassured them that this was just to help her to help us better, and that seems to satisfy them, and they were calm again after a little while.
We talked about what if therapy was done, how would I feel and what would that look like, at this point she had me use the pulsers and we worked with the feelings for a little while, I find it hard to describe the feelings though. I’m just not good at that at all. She was really helpful to me though and she noticed after a while that doing the work with the pulsers was starting to upset me so she turned them off.
I’m glad we did the review today though. I found it helpful to do that with her.

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FROM PIXIE, THERAPY THIS WEEK!

THERAPY THIS WEEK WAS TOUGH!VERY VERY TOUGH! ME AND EILEEN HAD A LOT TO TALK ABOUT. WHEN I FIRST CAME OUT WE TALKED ABOUT SHIRLEY, I TOLD EILEEN THAT SOME OF US DONT PARTICULARLY LIKE IT WHEN SHE’S OUT, BECAUSE HER FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IMPACT ON US, AND CAUSE INTERNAL CONFUSION AND CHAOS. EILEEN SAID SHE DIDNT KNOW THAT. WE CHATTED FOR A LITTLE WHILE ABOUT IT, AND SHE SAID SHE’D BE MORE MINDFUL OF IT WHEN SHE WORKS WITH SHIRLEY. THEN SHE ASKED ME PIXIE, HOW DID YOU FEEL LAST WEEK, YOU, AND THE REST OF THE DARKS? WHEN I WAS WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, HOW DID YOU FEEL? I STUMBLED OVER MY WORDS, BUT I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT WE FELT FORGOTTEN ABOUT, SINCE FIRST BEFORE CHRISTMAS SHE’D BEEN WORKING WITH EMILY AND HER INSIDERS, AND THEN SHE STARTED WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, AND SO IT FELT LIKE OUR ISSUES WERE BEING NEGLECTED, AND LIKE SHE’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT US. SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT WE’D BE ANGRY WITH HER. I SAID NOT ANGRY, JUST SAD AND FEELING ALONE, I TOLD HER WE NEEDED HER HELP AND SUPPORT, WE FELT ALONE AND LIKE WE’RE DROWNING. SO WE TALKED. WE TALKED ABOUT THE ABUSE, AND WE DISCUSSED A MEMORY FROM WHEN THE BODY WAS SIX YEARS OLD. I TOLD HER OUR ABUSERS ALWAYS TOLD US IT WAS OUR FAULT THEY WERE ABUSING US. THEY SAID MANY THINGS TO US BUT SOME OF THE THINGS THEY SAID WERE, IF YOU DIDNT LOOK LIKE THIS, THEN THIS WOULDNT BE HAPPENING, IF YOU WERE SKINNIER, IF YOU WERENT ALWAYS ACTING THIS OR THAT WAY, IF YOU WERE SOMEHOW DIFFERENT, THEN I WOULDNT BE ABUSING YOU. I TOLD HER HOW THERE WAS ALSO THE FACT THAT WE HAD TO PARTICIPATE IN ABUSING OTHERS, AND IF WE DIDNT, WE’D END UP HURT IN WORSE WAYS, AND IF WE DID IT THEN OTHER KIDS WERE HURT, AND THEN WE HAD HUGE GUILT BECAUSE WE HELPED TO HURT OTHER KIDS. EILEEN SAID WE WERE TRAPPED, AND IT WAS IN NO WAY OUR FAULT. SHE ASKED ME IF I BELIEVED IT. I SAID LOGICALLY I KNEW IT BUT MOSTLY I DIDNT BELIEVE IT WASNT MY FAULT. I TOLD HER NONE OF THE DARKS REALLY BELIEVED IT WASNT OUR FAULT. SHE SAID WE WERE POWERLESS BACK THEN, WE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE, WE WERE POWERLESS, BUT NOW, NOW WE ARENT POWERLESS ANY MORE. WE DONT LIVE IN DUBLIN NOW, AND DUBLIN IS OVER, WE’LL NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN. SHE ASKED ME IF I KNEW THAT IT WAS OVER. I SAID I DID. THEN I STARTED FEELING THE YOUNG PARTS COMING THROUGH, THEY WERE LISTENING IN AND STARTED REACTING TO WHAT EILEEN WAS SAYING TO ME. EILEEN SAID SHE WANTED THE KIDS TO GO TO THE INTERNAL ROOM WE MADE, AND STAY THERE, SHE SAID THIS WAS ADULT STUFF AND THE KIDS DONT HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN IT. THEN WE DECIDED TO DO A LITTLE WORK WITH THE PULSERS, WE WORKED WITH FEELINGS THAT WERE CROPPING UP IN OUR BODY, TENTION, ANXIOUS FEELINGS, PTSD TYPE SYMPTOMS, WE TRACKED THOSE FOR A WHILE. THAT WAS SUPER HARD. I FOUND IT HARD NOT TO DISSOCIATE. EILEEN KEPT HAVING TO BRING ME BACK TO THE ROOM, BACK INTO THE PRESENT. IT WAS HARD NOT TO FLOAT AWAY, DISSOCIATE ALL THE FEELINGS. BUT I MANAGED, SOMEHOW NOT TO DO IT. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. IM GLAD I GOT TO TALK. I LOVE HOW INTUATIVE EILEEN IS. SHE ALWAYS ALWAYS HAS GOOD ADVICE. I LOVE HOW MINDFUL SHE IS OF THE DARKS, OF OUR NEEDS. IT FEELS SO GOOD. WE FEEL VALIDATED, AND SAFE IN HER PRESENCE. SAFE AND SECURE IN HER OFFICE. JUST THE SOUND OF HER VOICE MAKES US FEEL AT EASE. I’M JUST SO GLAD SHE’S OUR THERAPIST. SHE TOLD ME ONE INTERESTING FACT ABOUT THE BRAIN. I HAD BEEN TALKING TO HER ABOUT REMEMBERING MEMORIES FROM MY CHILDHOOD, I SAID I DONT REALLY REMEMBER MANY GOOD ONES, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THE BRAIN HAS A HABIT OF ONLY REMEMBERING THE NEGATIVE MEMORIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE LOTS OF GOOD ONES. IT WILL SWING TOWARDS REMEMBERING ONLY THE NEGATIVE, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED. I FOUND THIS TO BE REALLY INTERESTING. I WAS FIGURING I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULDNT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM CHILDHOOD, AND I WAS PUTTING IT DOWN TO HAVING DID, BUT EILEEN TOLD ME SHE BARELY REMEMBERS ANYTHING FROM AGES 5 6 AND 7 EITHER. SHE SAID SHE ONLY HAS GLIMPSES FROM BACK THEN. SO ITS GOOD I AM NOT ALONE IN THAT. ANYWAY I AM SURE GLAD I HAD THERAPY TIME THIS WEEK. FEELS SO GOOD TO JUST BE ABLE TO TALK.
PIXIE

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THERAPY TALKING ABOUT HARD STUFF

SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.
LIZ

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SO I WAS A TRIGGERED MESS IN THERAPY TODAY!

YES I WAS! AN ANXIOUS, TRIGGERED, DISSOCIATIVE MESS. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT! EILEEN WAS GREAT! SHE REALLY HELPED US TO GET THROUGH IT. SHE HELD US, WHICH FELT SO GOOD, AND WAS SO CONTAINING, SHE CAME AND SAT BY ME, HELD ME WITH HER HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF MY BACK AND SHOULDERS, IT WAS SO, SO SOOTHEING! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT I FELT SO LOVED, SO SUPPORTED, SO SAFE. IT REALLY FELT GOOD, INTENSE, BUT ALSO GOOD TOO.
WE FOUND A LITTLE ONE, ABOUT 8 OR 9, WHO WAS REALLY TRIGGERED, SHE WAS HAVING MEMORIES OF BEING IN DUBLIN, IN THE BORDING SCHOOL, SHE HOLDS A MEMORY OF WHEN WE HAD OUR NOSE BROKEN BY ANOTHER PUPIL, BASICALLY SHE HOLDS THE MEMORY OF BEING LEFT FOR DAYS WITHOUT TREATMENT, AND FEELING HORRIBLE AND UNCARED ABOUT, INVALIDATED AND UNIMPORTANT.
SO EILEEN HAD ME WORK A LITTLE WITH THE PULSERS, AND I HELPED HER BY MAKING HER A BEDROOM INSIDE, AND WE PUT HER IN THERE TO REST. RIGHT NOW SHE’S PETRIFIED, TERRIFIED AND VERY FEARFUL AND SCARED OF EVERYTHING, I AM SURE IN TIME THAT WILL CHANGE, BUT FOR NOW, SHE NEEDS TO REST. WE MANAGED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE PAST, OUT OF THE MEMORY AND OUT OF DUBLIN, AND NOW SHE’S IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER, CARED ABOUT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE’S SAFE AND OK.
SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP TOO FOR ME. I GOT FRUSTRATED AT BEING TRIGGERED, AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS, I THINK IT WAS MORE SOME OF THE OTHER TEENS THAN ME, BUT I WAS THE ONE HAVING THE SESSION SO IT MANIFESTED ITSELF IN ME BECOMING ANGRY, AND IMPATIENT, AND EILEEN REMINDING ME THAT ACTUALLY OUR FEELINGS ARE WHAT LET US KNOW WE’RE ALIVE, AND ITS OK TO FEEL THEM. ITS OK IF I AM A MESS, SHE’S HERE, NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHE IS HERE SUPPORTING ME THROUGH IT. THANK GOD FOR HER!
BUT YEAH, FELT WEIRD, I FELT SO ANXIOUS AT THE START, THEN WHEN EILEEN HELD ME SHE CONTAINED IT A LITTLE, BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, WHEN SHE TOOK HER HANDS AWAY TO GO GET THE PULSERS, I STARTED PANICKING AGAIN, LIKE, I NEEDED HER TO BE THERE TO CONTAIN MY ANXIETY AND FEAR.
SHE NEVER TAKES HER HANDS AWAY WITHOUT WARNING ME SHE’S ABOUT TO DO THAT. SO WHEN I STARTED PANICKING, SHE HAD ME TALK TO HER AND SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME WHILE SHE WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THAT HELPED A LITTLE. THEN SHE CAME BACK AND REPOSITIONED HER HANDS AROUND ME AGAIN, AND I FELT OK. WEIRD HOW IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT THOUGH.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION, BUT NOW I AM DRAINED, I FEEL SO TIRED, THINK I’LL GO READ, AND REST FOR A WHILE.
LIZ

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Anxious about therapy

have therapy in an hour. dont want to go.

feel so anxious about it. not sure what will come up today. dont want to find out.

just wish I could skp it altogether. Not wanting to face it. feel so overwhelmed. I’ll probably end up a sobbing mess on eileen. She’ll have to pick me up off the floor and I’ll be a crying dissociative mess.

insiders feel panicky and scared.

this is not good! Not good!

Ug I wanna run! Thats what I am hearing from inside!

Ug sigh!

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DIDNT WANNA DISAPPOINT HER

ITS LIZ. TODAY IN THERAPY I WAS CHATTING TO EILEEN. SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE COME TO HER WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON. IF SHE HADNT STOPPED US FROM PROCEEDING, AND TACKLED IT HEAD ON, WOULD I HAVE COME TO HER MYSELF AND TOLD HER WE’RE STRUGGLING WITH BEING TRIGGERED? I SAID HONESTLY? I DONT KNOW. I WANT TO THINK I WOULD, AND MY PLAN WAS TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. BUT THE MAIN REASON I WAS BEING STUBBORN, THINKING I CAN HANDLE THIS IS MYSELF THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. SHE TOLD ME TODAY THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT FROM HER, AND SHE WENT OVER AGAIN HOW THIS IS THE WORK, ITS NOT LINEAR, AND THE NATURE OF THE WORK IS DOING A LITTLE, THEN PULLING IT BACK, PUTTING ON THE BREAKS AGAIN ETC. I GUESS SHE’S RIGHT. I’VE BEEN THINKING WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO PROTECT HER? SHE’S A BIG GIRL SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF, I KNOW THAT, SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR HER? I NEEDED THE HELP, I NEEDED HER INPUT, SO I AM GLAD SHE DIDNT RUN WITH THE FIRST THING WE TOLD HER TODAY. I AM GLAD SHE HAD THE INSIGHT TO KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO IT THAN WHAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY SAYING.
LIZ

Finding internal balance and a sense of self,todays therapy session

therapy today was good. but intense. we went in with plans, plans to try to figure out some stuff. we talked to eileen about triggers, and about how we keep being triggered, the adults in the system keep being triggered, and then we’re gone, and the kids are taking over, running the show. eileen was very concerned. she said we cant have six year olds running things, and i know this is true, we cant. today taylor took us to the session, because we were stressed out this morning, and got triggered, and she took over, and the way it is, if the kids take over, there is a kinda wall that goes up, that blocks the adults and kids from communicating, and so we cant get to them and they cant get to us, so we are unable to come out then and do what we need to do to get us there safely. Lucky this morning, the taxi driver knew us, and he was able to bring us to eileens office, drop us off, and so we got there safely. I felt so bad for taylor, she was very scared. So we worked on things we worked on trying to get some of the adults on board, trying to get them to have better internal communication. we talked about the fact that memories have been hitting us really hard, eileen said for now, its time to put the breaks on again. we’ve been working a lot with the teens lately and with some of ems insiders, and she said that is stirring up too much for us right now, so she said we need to put the breaks on, and find a sense of balance again, a sense of stability, a sense of internal stability, she said for now we are going to work on managing triggers, managing becoming triggered, managing emotions, and finding that sense of internal safety, so that when we’re home, we can be safe, and less triggered, and the adults can be out more, eileen said we have the capability to manage, she’s seen us do it, and so she said she knows we can. I know it too, sometimes I just feel lost, unable to cope, overwhelmed etc. I am glad we talked it through today, it really helped a lot to be able to have a good chat about it all. We worked on breathing exercises, she is teaching Jade how to breathe deeply, so we can ground ourselves, when we need to do that. We all find it hard to breathe deeply, but Jade is good at it. So she’s in charge of practicing it for the next week. She also walked us around her office, to ground us. She does this a lot. It helps us feel connected to her and more grounded. When we came to her bookshelves, she started reading out all the names of her books, man she has a ton of trauma related books, EMDR related books, books on all aspects of therapy really. It was nice to hear the names of them and we got some book recommendations. Eileen told us she’s passionate about keeping up to date on the new research available about trauma survivors, about related therapy issues etc. She also told us today that she lost her dog, buttons. Buttons was a yorkshire terrior. She said they lost her over christmas. She was 16. I was sad to hear this as I knew her. I had patted her a few times over the years, and she was a sweet dog. I was glad Eileen told me that she had died. So it was a good session today. We have a lot to think about now after it.

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