I want to talk to you. Tell you what it feels like to be alone in a house with someone you know is going to hurt you. When your a little kid and youve already had about a million experiences that tell you what hes going to do next. When you can barely remember it not happening over and over again. When everyone ignores the ways you try to tell without saying the words. When the people who are supposed to take care of you and defend you and love you, hurt you. And you didnt have anybody to explain to you why. And youve got 1000 ideas about how things work that are all backwards. And most of those ideas were bad and dirty. And you didnt know what they all meant, except something about no one cares. And in the process of being told not to tell, you worry your going to get told on because you think your doing something wrong. And you have nothing to call your own because even your most absolute favourite thing is taken away and a certain place you actually used to like to sit and look out the sliding glass doors is now used to torment you. And you realise theres something wrong with you because there doesnt seem to be other kids with this problem. And your alone in the world. And you probably wont make it through the next hour without someone saying or doing something to hurt you. Something youll never forget as long as you live, but something you give to someone else inside your head to remember for you so you dont have to think about it so much. And when you do think about it you just cry. And when you get bigger and bigger you think all people are going to hurt you. Even when they try to love you. Its too late for you to believe. And you wonderare they going to hurt me too? Are they going to leave? So I want to tell you these things and I dont know if your interested. Are you like the ones who wanted to hurt us? I just need to say, how it all feels to me. Sometimes even I cant keep all of us inside straight. We grew to believe everything that goes wrong is all our fault. And we heard that told to us over and over too. And sometimes we got left alone, or given away for a little while to someone else who did the same thing. Or else people ran away from us when we got bigger, like our old therapist Attracta did. I guess because they did that I am not supposed to miss them. Should I just say that people dont understand us so that we dont get lonely and worried that it will happen again and again? We are left all alone to deal with things by ourselves again. And wonder what somebody is going to do next. We dont forgetand, we do things to make people not like us So we dont get hurt. So some wont imagine even for a minute that we like you, that we need you, that we might ever want to grow to trust you. But I cant stop us all from wanting, even though we get good at playing games about it, someone to care. Were not saying we need to be someones cherished treasure or anything. Maybe just someone we can trust a little. Somebody we can trust not to leave if we do something stupid or tell them the secret stuff were not supposed to talk about ever. Someone who doesnt make us go to the next person and the next and the next because they are done with us because we are tired of being alone. Do you want to really stay with us to the end without sending us somewhere else? What will you say when I say I dont care, even when I really do whether your there or not. What will you do if insiders refuse to come out or talk or work on anything. I pay attention because it matters to me. And so when people did things to hurt us when we were little, or ignored us altogether or gave us to someone else for a while, or stood there screaming at us, or accusing us of doing things we did not do we noticed. And when that happened over and over again something happened to us. A little big of what spirit we had is gone. For some reason then we started hurting ourselves. Im not sure what that has to do with a dying spirit. But were joining in with people who hurt us. And somewhere inside of us, we think and hope that the physical pain will eventually lessen the emotional pain. So we cut and we burn and we bruise ourselves. We pull hair and we make it hurt as bad as we can, then people stay away when we really want them to come closer, and just not leave. Are you someone who is going to leave too? Because we are told we never attach to people and then we are told that we attach too much too quickly and its all very confusing. And I just want to know so I can be prepared for it. Does it matter any more? We dont like feeling small and weak and defenceless so all we have is this wall to stand behind.
I attended a wonderful conference on trauma today. There were 3 speakers who spoke. A lot of it was stuff I knew but I still found it helpful to attend. The speakers were the psychotherapist who works for shine, that runs the basement club, a psychotherapist whose in private practice and who works with trauma, and a social worker who spoke about CBT and two different techniques that she uses in her practice asa CBT therapist. My favourite speaker was the psychotherapist who was in private practice, I could really identify with her and she reminded me of eileen a lot too. She talked about a trauma process called the rewind process, it is the approach she uses. It was fascinating. She also gave a lot of analysis of clients she’s worked with and told some stories about different clients she’s had. She talked a lot about dissociation, about the symptoms of trauma, about trauma approaches etc. One thing she said which really stuck with me was that you dont need to relive the traumatic events all over again in order to heal. That impacted me a lot. I found the talk about CBT good too, I’d never try CBT though. I just dont think its effective, well it wouldnt be for me, but I know it is for many people. And if the things the therapist said today are anything to go by then it really does help some people. She said a client had given her conscent to talk about her case and so she discussed that with us. She was discussing image rescripting and also she talked through how a 12 week CBT course works, there is a lot of homework in the course! A lot of filling out of paperwork! They all talked about symtpoms of trauma, especially anger, shame, loss of control or trying to control everything, etc! It really was eye opening! I learned a lot. The lady whose in private practice said she has a lot of resources that we can have so I need to email her and ask her for the links to them. She said she’s developed an online resource too which we can access. I’m so glad I went though. I came away feeling validated and like healing is really possible.
Carol anne just bought us a new book for Eileen to read to us when she gets back from her work trip.
I cant wait! I love hearing her read to us! It feels so safe.
The book is about anger. Its called everybody feels angry. And its about dealing with feelings of anger.
Carol anne said it will especially be good for me to read this one with Eileen since I deal with a lot of anger. I love when Eileen reads to me cuz she explains things in the book, like pictures and stuff. And as she reads we talk about feelings!
Its pretty cool! Now I am excited for the 19th to come so I can read with her!
The book is gonna be delivered on the 15th! Yay!
So happy to have a new book to read!
It is taking everything in me not to text Eileen. Text her to ask her to ring me back. I don’t want to bother her though. I know she has college tonight. She teaches on Mondays. So she wouldn’t even be able to call me even if I asked.
Memories are swamping us. I’m drowning here.
I cant stand it. I feel so utterly defeated. I took a shower to try to relax. I used some lotion on my body trying to give myself some sensory input. Trying to distract myself from the horrible thoughts.
I just cant get rid of them. I wish I could hold Eileens hand. Hug her. I wish she would take me in her arms and tell me I’ll be ok. I’m struggling so much to feel her presence right now. Struggling to feel the connection that we have.
If I still feel this way in the morning I might text her. Just for a five min phone check in. I feel like I am going to decompress at any minute. It feels so awful. I just feel like I am sinking fast.
Im feeling wobbly tonight! I am anxious, and feeling very unsettled!
Its not helping that I am having a lot of ptsd symptoms coming up!
My legs are shaky, my heart is racing, my mind is whirling, my body aches, I am stiff and sore from the accident, and I am also having a lot of intrusive thoughts! Ug sigh!
I guess I need time, time to process, time to heal, time to come to terms with what has happened.
Of course the time of year isnt helping either, the full moon just passed and that is never good!
I guess I just have to wait it out! If I can, that is.
had a phone check in with eileen this afternoon. we didnt get to talk about much besides the accident. we talked about that for most of our check in. i know thats important though. she said we can work through it but for now for us to make sure we can soothe the kids, tell them they are safe, and we’re ok. i told her i was doing that. or trying to. she said if i need her to just text her and we can arrange to talk. i really appreciated that offer and was so grateful that she said i could contact her if needs be. i will see her next thursday morning, since monday is a bank holiday here. i’m going to try and deal with things on my own but its good to know if i need her i can reach her. i feel supported and held and contained by her which feels nice.
I wanted to share something
this morning I went to therapy
I was the first one of us out in our session
Eileen came in to the office, and we were chatting
I asked her to guess who I am
she said she wasn’t sure
she joked that shes good but shes not that good
so I told her then it was me em
she hugged me and said
its nice to see you smiling, em
that made me smile even more
it was so lovely of her to say that to me
I haven’t been smiling a lot lately
there has be nothing good happening to smile about
not for me anyway
I thot it was so cool she noticed that
but then im not surprised
she notices everything about me
any little changes and she notices
I gess she knows me really well
Emily age 12