SO I WAS A TRIGGERED MESS IN THERAPY TODAY!

YES I WAS! AN ANXIOUS, TRIGGERED, DISSOCIATIVE MESS. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT! EILEEN WAS GREAT! SHE REALLY HELPED US TO GET THROUGH IT. SHE HELD US, WHICH FELT SO GOOD, AND WAS SO CONTAINING, SHE CAME AND SAT BY ME, HELD ME WITH HER HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF MY BACK AND SHOULDERS, IT WAS SO, SO SOOTHEING! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT I FELT SO LOVED, SO SUPPORTED, SO SAFE. IT REALLY FELT GOOD, INTENSE, BUT ALSO GOOD TOO.
WE FOUND A LITTLE ONE, ABOUT 8 OR 9, WHO WAS REALLY TRIGGERED, SHE WAS HAVING MEMORIES OF BEING IN DUBLIN, IN THE BORDING SCHOOL, SHE HOLDS A MEMORY OF WHEN WE HAD OUR NOSE BROKEN BY ANOTHER PUPIL, BASICALLY SHE HOLDS THE MEMORY OF BEING LEFT FOR DAYS WITHOUT TREATMENT, AND FEELING HORRIBLE AND UNCARED ABOUT, INVALIDATED AND UNIMPORTANT.
SO EILEEN HAD ME WORK A LITTLE WITH THE PULSERS, AND I HELPED HER BY MAKING HER A BEDROOM INSIDE, AND WE PUT HER IN THERE TO REST. RIGHT NOW SHE’S PETRIFIED, TERRIFIED AND VERY FEARFUL AND SCARED OF EVERYTHING, I AM SURE IN TIME THAT WILL CHANGE, BUT FOR NOW, SHE NEEDS TO REST. WE MANAGED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE PAST, OUT OF THE MEMORY AND OUT OF DUBLIN, AND NOW SHE’S IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER, CARED ABOUT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE’S SAFE AND OK.
SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP TOO FOR ME. I GOT FRUSTRATED AT BEING TRIGGERED, AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS, I THINK IT WAS MORE SOME OF THE OTHER TEENS THAN ME, BUT I WAS THE ONE HAVING THE SESSION SO IT MANIFESTED ITSELF IN ME BECOMING ANGRY, AND IMPATIENT, AND EILEEN REMINDING ME THAT ACTUALLY OUR FEELINGS ARE WHAT LET US KNOW WE’RE ALIVE, AND ITS OK TO FEEL THEM. ITS OK IF I AM A MESS, SHE’S HERE, NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHE IS HERE SUPPORTING ME THROUGH IT. THANK GOD FOR HER!
BUT YEAH, FELT WEIRD, I FELT SO ANXIOUS AT THE START, THEN WHEN EILEEN HELD ME SHE CONTAINED IT A LITTLE, BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, WHEN SHE TOOK HER HANDS AWAY TO GO GET THE PULSERS, I STARTED PANICKING AGAIN, LIKE, I NEEDED HER TO BE THERE TO CONTAIN MY ANXIETY AND FEAR.
SHE NEVER TAKES HER HANDS AWAY WITHOUT WARNING ME SHE’S ABOUT TO DO THAT. SO WHEN I STARTED PANICKING, SHE HAD ME TALK TO HER AND SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME WHILE SHE WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THAT HELPED A LITTLE. THEN SHE CAME BACK AND REPOSITIONED HER HANDS AROUND ME AGAIN, AND I FELT OK. WEIRD HOW IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT THOUGH.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION, BUT NOW I AM DRAINED, I FEEL SO TIRED, THINK I’LL GO READ, AND REST FOR A WHILE.
LIZ

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Anxious about therapy

have therapy in an hour. dont want to go.

feel so anxious about it. not sure what will come up today. dont want to find out.

just wish I could skp it altogether. Not wanting to face it. feel so overwhelmed. I’ll probably end up a sobbing mess on eileen. She’ll have to pick me up off the floor and I’ll be a crying dissociative mess.

insiders feel panicky and scared.

this is not good! Not good!

Ug I wanna run! Thats what I am hearing from inside!

Ug sigh!

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DIDNT WANNA DISAPPOINT HER

ITS LIZ. TODAY IN THERAPY I WAS CHATTING TO EILEEN. SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE COME TO HER WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON. IF SHE HADNT STOPPED US FROM PROCEEDING, AND TACKLED IT HEAD ON, WOULD I HAVE COME TO HER MYSELF AND TOLD HER WE’RE STRUGGLING WITH BEING TRIGGERED? I SAID HONESTLY? I DONT KNOW. I WANT TO THINK I WOULD, AND MY PLAN WAS TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. BUT THE MAIN REASON I WAS BEING STUBBORN, THINKING I CAN HANDLE THIS IS MYSELF THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. SHE TOLD ME TODAY THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT FROM HER, AND SHE WENT OVER AGAIN HOW THIS IS THE WORK, ITS NOT LINEAR, AND THE NATURE OF THE WORK IS DOING A LITTLE, THEN PULLING IT BACK, PUTTING ON THE BREAKS AGAIN ETC. I GUESS SHE’S RIGHT. I’VE BEEN THINKING WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO PROTECT HER? SHE’S A BIG GIRL SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF, I KNOW THAT, SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR HER? I NEEDED THE HELP, I NEEDED HER INPUT, SO I AM GLAD SHE DIDNT RUN WITH THE FIRST THING WE TOLD HER TODAY. I AM GLAD SHE HAD THE INSIGHT TO KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO IT THAN WHAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY SAYING.
LIZ

Finding internal balance and a sense of self,todays therapy session

therapy today was good. but intense. we went in with plans, plans to try to figure out some stuff. we talked to eileen about triggers, and about how we keep being triggered, the adults in the system keep being triggered, and then we’re gone, and the kids are taking over, running the show. eileen was very concerned. she said we cant have six year olds running things, and i know this is true, we cant. today taylor took us to the session, because we were stressed out this morning, and got triggered, and she took over, and the way it is, if the kids take over, there is a kinda wall that goes up, that blocks the adults and kids from communicating, and so we cant get to them and they cant get to us, so we are unable to come out then and do what we need to do to get us there safely. Lucky this morning, the taxi driver knew us, and he was able to bring us to eileens office, drop us off, and so we got there safely. I felt so bad for taylor, she was very scared. So we worked on things we worked on trying to get some of the adults on board, trying to get them to have better internal communication. we talked about the fact that memories have been hitting us really hard, eileen said for now, its time to put the breaks on again. we’ve been working a lot with the teens lately and with some of ems insiders, and she said that is stirring up too much for us right now, so she said we need to put the breaks on, and find a sense of balance again, a sense of stability, a sense of internal stability, she said for now we are going to work on managing triggers, managing becoming triggered, managing emotions, and finding that sense of internal safety, so that when we’re home, we can be safe, and less triggered, and the adults can be out more, eileen said we have the capability to manage, she’s seen us do it, and so she said she knows we can. I know it too, sometimes I just feel lost, unable to cope, overwhelmed etc. I am glad we talked it through today, it really helped a lot to be able to have a good chat about it all. We worked on breathing exercises, she is teaching Jade how to breathe deeply, so we can ground ourselves, when we need to do that. We all find it hard to breathe deeply, but Jade is good at it. So she’s in charge of practicing it for the next week. She also walked us around her office, to ground us. She does this a lot. It helps us feel connected to her and more grounded. When we came to her bookshelves, she started reading out all the names of her books, man she has a ton of trauma related books, EMDR related books, books on all aspects of therapy really. It was nice to hear the names of them and we got some book recommendations. Eileen told us she’s passionate about keeping up to date on the new research available about trauma survivors, about related therapy issues etc. She also told us today that she lost her dog, buttons. Buttons was a yorkshire terrior. She said they lost her over christmas. She was 16. I was sad to hear this as I knew her. I had patted her a few times over the years, and she was a sweet dog. I was glad Eileen told me that she had died. So it was a good session today. We have a lot to think about now after it.

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Self care Saturday, anyone?

Things I am doing for self care today…to help me feel better…

Reading a book

Relaxing in a bubble bath

Snuggling with my puppy

Eating healthy wholesome food

Watching inspirational and motivational videos

Chatting with family memembers

Drinking a hot cup of tea

Putting on nice lotion

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Processing, a poem

when memories hit
and all you can do is watch it
your head spins
eyes blurr
you feel your mind whir
you feel edgy
like a volcano waiting to erupt
your head is fuzzy
as you count
1, 2, 3
wait and see
what will happen?
when will this all end?
if you only knew
close your eyes
let it happen
dont deny it
it will be over soon

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Friday at my parents

I did absolutely nothing today. i stayed in bed really late. well i didnt go to bed until 5 AM. so then when it was time to wake up I was tired. I did get up, and ate breakfast. But then I went right back to bed for a few hours. That was nice. It felt so good to just be able to do nothing, just chill out and relax with my book.

I started a new book. I started denied a mummy by Maggie Hartley. So far I really like it. Its really good. I will do a review of the book once I am done with it.

Mood wise I feel ok. Only ok though. I think I could feel better but I just dont. I miss Eileen. The break I am finding it really tough. I havent texted her or called her again, I figured I wont, but I did email her to let her know I am struggling. We’re all struggling with the break really, if I am honest.

Not to worry, we’ll be fine. We can make it. I know we can. I just have to keep believing it will be ok, we will be fine and manage to get through it.

No plans here for the weekend. It is just going to be a quiet one for us. Not much happening here at all. My sister isnt even coming over to our parents on sunday for dinner, she is going to her partners sisters house for a new years party instead. We were invited too, but my dad doesnt want to go so we’re not going to it.

So mostly I plan on reading, both my book, blogs, emails, etc. Other than that, I plan on maybe watching a few things on tv, maybe I’ll start watching some new show, and really get into that.

Who knows!

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