I was meant to see Dr. Barry next week. On Wednesday afternoon.
However, I totally forgot that I have a family confirmation on that day. I have to go to it, I cant not go.
So I rang Dr. Barrys clinic this morning, and I spoke to her secretary. I was honest with her and I told her why I couldnt make my appointment, and I asked her if I could come the following week on the 11th.
She changed it for me there and then. So now I go see Dr. Barry on the 11th of March.
I was thinking she’d say she had to talk to Dr. Barry first and she’d have to call me back about it. But she didnt, so I am happy about that.
I think it payed to be honest about why I couldnt go.
I’m just happy I will see her on the 11th. I hate having to miss an apt with her but sometimes its just unavoidable.
What 3 things would you really love to improve about yourself?
Anxiety just sucks. Anxiety when your feeling tired really fucking sucks.
I got home today and I was exhausted. I tried to rest for a while. No joy. I was too wound up. My brain wouldnt shut off. I just lay there with my mind racing. I lay in bed for about an hour. Eventually I just got up again because I figured there is no point in just lying there thinking.
I called my mom and we chatted for a while. Then I decided to watch some tv. I sat on the couch with a mug of tea, my brain spinning, anxious feelings welling up and threatening to overwhelm me completely.
My therapy session today was hard, and I was still processing it. Usually after therapy I sleep a lot. Not tonight though. But while I sat watching tv I dozed off for about half an hour. I woke up with a jolt, half way through my show I’d been watching. That was it. I sat bolt upright. I was feeling really edgy. Agitated. And just really really felt very off.
I made some more tea. And now its gone 10 Pm but I am wide awake. That is despite only getting about 2 hours of sleep last night. And that half hour earlier this evening. I just cannot seem to shut off my brain. Its gone completely out of control.
So I had my first mobility lesson this afternoon. It was good. But it was hard! I am so out of practice at using the cane. I made a ton of mistakes. I think it is going to take me a while to get up to speed again. Today we went to a store near where I live, a convenience store. Its only about a 5 minute walk from my house. But boy do you have to concentrate on what your doing. It literally took all of my energy and focus to get there. You cant take your focus off of the task at hand for one second. Also its quite scary for me to be out on a street, with traffic all around me. I am just so not used to it. I mean you’d think after working a guide dog for all these years I’d be so used to it. But using a cane is a whole different ball game entirely. With a dog, the dog will guide you around objects, so you dont even know they are there. With the cane, you literally have to guide yourself. Plus my arm kept getting sore. By the time I was finished it was killing me. The motion of sweeping the cane from left to right made my arm cramp up. Again, I am not used to having to do it for a long period of time. The instructor was lovely though. I thought she was a good teacher. She said I did really well for my first lesson. Getting the feedback from her was nice. We were out for over an hour. When I got home I napped for a little while. We’ll have another lesson next week. I’ll be working for a while on this particular route I think. Even she said its not as straight forward as she first thought. She said some parts of it are tricky. I agree with her on that. There are two road crossings and one of them is very busy. But I think in time I should be successfully able to manage to go to the store alone. Thats my goal anyway.
My anxiety this morning is so awful! Its a myth that good sleep gets rid of anxiety. I mean that is if I got good sleep, I didnt. I literally got about 2 hours of sleep. I am not feeling so good since I woke up at around 6 AM.
I feel so sluggish. And so, so anxious. I am jittery, agitated, overwhelmed. Alls I gotta say is I am thankful for therapy in an hour!
Now i just have to get there in one piece!
Its horrible out there this morning, really wet and windy. I am sitting here, mug of coffee in hand, contemplating the day ahead. My brain cant seem to focus. Thats why I am drinking coffee, to try to get my mind focusing.
This anxiety is a killer. I just chewed down my morning meds. I dont take an anxiety med in the morning. I do take prozac though. I am hoping that will do something for my mood, I feel kinda low this morning and I am really hoping the low wont last the entire day.
I am participating today in the 3TC challenge, set by Di, Di’s words for us today are:
Bruno stood at the back door. He wanted to come back inside as it was pouring out there. He gave a big howl. He wished someone would hear him! He shook himself and his collar jangled. The bell on it made a lot of noise.
Frank sat up in bed and gave his eyes a rub. He was sure he’d heard a sound. He wondered what had woken him up. Then he heard it again, a low howl and jangling noise.
Oh well, he thought. That will be bruno. I think I forgot to let him back in earlier! He hopped out of bed, ran downstairs and flung open the back door. A sopping wet Bruno ran in as quick as lightning.
Frank quickly dried Bruno off, and then he gave him his breakfast, which Bruno wolfed down.
As I stand at the back door
to let Nitro out
the wind howls
freezing my ass off
hurry up, Nitro
he’s sniffing around outside
not in any hurry to come in
its after 1 AM now
the rain splashes me
as I stick my head out and call
Come on boy
Time to come in
He runs up to me
Shakes himself all over me
As I turn to close the back door
We rush inside
Out of the biting wind
Me wrapped in my blanket
Nitro at my feet
I sip on a mug of hot chocolate
And begin to read
As nitro begins to sleep
And outside my window
The wind blows and rain falls