IF YOU ONLY KNEW

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOU

HOW MUCH I WANT TO HURT YOU

RIP YOUR DICK OFF

AND RIP YOUR EYES OUT

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW FILLED WITH RAGE I AM

HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE

WITH FLASHBACKS DAILY

NIGHTMARES EACH NIGHT

LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE YOUR AFRAID TO BREATHE

AFRAID TO MOVE

JUMP AT EVERY SOUND

AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF

AFRAID TO SPEAK

TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING

FOR FEAR THEY WONT BELIEVE YOU

FOR FEAR THEY’LL REJECT YOU

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

WHAT ABUSE DID TO ME

WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR VIEW?

I DOUBT IT

I DOUBT YOUR CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE

YOUR A MONSTER

A CRUEL MONSTER

AN EVIL MONSTER

AN ABUSER

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW

THAT I HATE YOU

WITH a VENGENCE

AND I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING

YOU MAKE MY STOMACH CHURN

MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP

YOU ARE NOTHING

A NOBODY

BUT YOU MADE SURE

THAT I WOULD BE LEFT

WITH A LIFE TIME OF SCARS

AND A LIFE TIME OF HEALING

FUCK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME

Emergency on the ward

This morning there was an emergency on the ward. I was in the shower. One of the student nurses was helping me. I had just finished and was about to get dressed when things kicked off.

A guy on the ward was shouting and being really aggressive. The student nurse had to run out of the shower room because she was needed. I was left alone and i was so scared. But it was ok. She came back again and brought me back to my ward.

This is the part of being in a psych unit that I hate. When people kick off and are aggressive. Security was called and they took him away but still. Its very scary to feel like someone might hit or attack you.

Alcoholism and our dad

i’ve been thinking about my dad all morning. about his drinking. about times in the past where he was violent. where he did things to me like losing his temper and injuring me, always under the influence of alcohol. mostly it was when i was in my teens. he hasnt done anything like that in years. part of me says i should just let it go and move on. but he never apologised for any of it. parts of me are just like fuck him. he doesnt care. if he cared he wouldnt drink. he’d go off of it completely. but then i know he cant. i know its an addiction and addictions cant just disappear, that takes a lot of hard work which i dont think he’s willing to do. so much of our childhood was tarnished with his alcoholism. there was so much yelling at home, so much violence, and we havent even processed a lot of it yet. and i am not sure we ever will.