Cravings are kicking my ass

Its Emily.
I’ve had real bad cravings for junk food all day. Like, I wanted to binge on it, and then throw it all back up.
I wanted to get food delivery. I didnt, but I so wanted to.
Most days binging is not an issue for me, I usually am restricting food. But another alter, Eve who is 10 is nearby and she has problems with binging on chocolate, crisps, cookies etc.
Sometimes though I will also crave certain foods, usually fast food, just so I can eat it only to then throw it back up.
I know, its dumb. I know your probably all thinking that its crazy, why waste money on food only to throw it back up?
If you all only knew the amount of money we’ve wasted on food!
I’m only 12, and the feelings are so big, they feel so overwhelming.
I hate how I look. I hate my body.
But today, the cravings are just awful. I am craving macdonalds, or burger king.
But I know we shouldnt get it, because I also know what’ll happen if we do.
I’ll throw up, then I’ll feel so guilty!
It all started last night when I had a nightmare, I had a nightmare about being force fed food I didn’t like, that used to happen at the bording school sometimes, if we got a meal we didnt like and we refused to eat it the nuns would make us eat it and they’d stand over us until we’d eaten every last bite on our plate.
I have so many conflicting feelings surrounding food. I hate it, but I love it. I want to be in control of it. I want to control how much we eat, when, where, etc.
Its taking a lot for me to admit this on here.
But I’ve been working on it with Eileen in therapy lately, she says its all so complex, and I think she’s right.
Anyway, just wanted to say today is a bad day. A really bad cravings and eating disordered behaviour day.

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